Got One Scratched Off My Bucket List!

Yes, I know….two posts in one day! I hope it’s not too much excitement for any of you.

So…here we gooooooo…..

Today is a very busy day! I was on the couch with a “bug” all week and have so much catching up to do.  Laundry, cleaning, catching up on all my recorded episodes of reality shows, etc.

Around 10:30, I decided that I might be more energetic if I actually got dressed out of the pj’s that I had been wearing since Thurs. Or, did I put them on Wed? Doesn’t matter either way because they were starting to smell bad enough to knock a buzzard off of a shit wagon.

I was in the bathroom drying off when I heard the doorbell ring. I rushed and put on my once-plush bathrobe and went to the door. There, before me, stood two very well-dressed and distinguished looking gentlemen. Here I am with crazy hair (my hair IS crazy until I dry and smooth it down) dressed in a bathrobe that has a hole located near a very private area (lets’ just say that I was getting a good airing out down there).

“I’ll bet you think we are Jehovah’s Witnesses.”…..the tallest man said.

 

“Well, either that or somebody trying to sell me encyclopedias that nobody ever uses anymore,” I replied.

The man chuckled politely and said, “No, we are JW’s and would like to take a moment of your time.”

My very weird brain starts processing this and what I could do to turn it into a positive experience for ME. It’s not that I have anything against JW’s. I actually admiring their balls going door to door with people slamming doors in their faces and calling them Satan Spawn and stuff. That takes major dedication.

And it went like this…..

JW….”God wants us to read the Bible everyday and follow its instructions.”

Me…”I agree. My pastor has preached on that many, many, many times.”

JW…”Are you familiar with our beliefs and our magazines?” And, he hands me a Watch Tower mag.

Me..”Why, yes I am. Actually, my sister was a JW before she passed away a few years ago.”

JW…”I’m sorry to hear that. What did she share with you”?

Me…”She said that she laughed her butt off at all the people knocking themselves out Christmas shopping. She said that, being a JW and not celebrating Christ’s birthday, she got some killer sales the day after Christmas. She got twice as much stuff for half as much money.”

JW….”clear his throat”…..”Oh! I meant about our fundamental beliefs about God.”

Me…”Oh! Well, actually we agreed to not discuss our differences in beliefs”.

JW…”And, what is your belief?:

Me…”I believe that God loves everyone. And, I love everyone, too. I love Jewish people, Muslims, Catholics, Protestants and everybody except corrupt government people. Why, I LOVE you! Do you love me?”

JW….(somewhat flustered)….”Yes, I love you.”

Me…”.well, then would you mind helping me set up my Christmas tree?”

JW…”We don’t celebrate Christmas. You said that you knew that.”

Me…”Well, that doesn’t mean that I don’t celebrate Christmas. Don’t you believe in helping other people?”

JW…”Of course, we believe in helping others but we can not take part in what we consider a pagan holiday.”

Me…”Well, can’t you just think of it as helping a lady put up a big, live plant in her house that she puts lots of lights on to battle SAD (seasonal affective disorder)?

JW…”I think we have kept you out in the cold long enough. So, we will be on our way.”

Me…”Awww, come on. Let’s put up the tree and then I’ll fix us some Rudolph The Red Nose Reindeer slow gin fizzes. It would warm you up for going door to door in the cold.”

 JW…”No, thank you. We must be on our way. We have a lot of territory to cover today.”

Me….”What if I turn on the DVR and let you watch my recorded show of The Most Hated Family in America. It’s a great documentary about the God Hates Fags church.”

JW….(headed down the porch steps)….”It was nice talking to you. Have a good day!’

Me…”come back…come back….you can help me wrap presents!”

JW…waves from the protection of his car and leaves.

Gosh…that was fun!!!!!

Texting Party……

    

Today was cleaning day in The Boogerwoods. As y’all may recall, I have a woman who comes every two weeks and helps me give my hillbilly mansion a thorough cleaning. I love her! She is pure redneck and we have a ball when she’s here. I usually turn on some good ol’ redneck, white trash music like Lynard Skynard and we dance around to Free Bird. About half of the time that she is here is wasted on us acting silly. But, she works for a lot of snobby, rich folks, too, and I know that they expect a “Yes, Mam, No, Mam-Butterfly McQueen-Gone-With-The-Wind” performance from her. She can sure tell some funny stories about some of them. For instance, she was late coming today due to the fact that she had to polish a drawer full of silverware for one of her clients. She said that the lady was throwing a texting dinner party. Maybe, I’m behind the times or live so far out in the woods that I get Sunday’s newspaper on Thursday, but for the life of me…I’ve never heard of a texting dinner party….much less a fancy one that requires real silver eating utensils.

I asked her what went on at a texting dinner party and she said that she didn’t really know. But, it was her best guess that the invited guests sat around texting each other while they were eating. Now, this makes absolutely no sense to me. If I like ya good enough to invite ya to eat with me, then I’m pretty sure that I’d like ya enough to talk to ya.

But, then I got another thought. Maybe, the guests are required (or might just want to do it) to text people who were not invited and rub it in their faces. I image it would go something like this….

“Susie its me  Eating @Ethels Usng real silverware Know ur jealous!”

or

“RALPH GOT IN THE JOINT REAL SILVERWARE BUY SKI MASKS ASAP”

or

“Mom whch is salad frk?”

or

“Jeez these ppl are BORING”

Now, I would text something more like…

“lmao ths ppl r real assclowns”

or

“do me favr prtend ur cops&bust ths crppy prty”

I just don’t see myself throwing a texting party anytime soon. But, if I did, I’d go all out and buy some of those fancy Dixie plates with the colored borders and some Sam’s Warehouse solid colored plastic spoons and forks.

One more thing…this has nothing to do with the texting party. But, I found it rather funny. I got an email informing me that Hot Angie wanted to be my friend on F*ckbook! Nothing’s sacred anymore!

Trouble in the Trailerpark… another rant brought to you by Trailerpark Skipper

Dear Neighbors,

If your dogs run out barking at me like they want to bite me while I’m going for my daily jog one more time, I will not hesitate to gut them like a Gorge Catfish with the Pocket Knife I keep in my bra strap.  Minus the bad attitude, they look like they may be some good eatin’ so that is another incentive for me. Also, those big white teeth would look good hanging off my ears at the next Trailerpark Holiday Bash.

Consider this your warning because I will not take the time to bury the entrails as I would when killing a deer or wild pig, but will drag the edible part of their carcass off to my house and leave the rest for you to find. So, muffle those mutts or face the consequences!

REMEMBER…..

This……  can very easily fit into this….  with some

 and quickly turn into

 

 

this…..

DELICIOUS!!!!!

Trailerpark Skipper

Bring In The Clowns…Don’t Bother, They’re Here

First, thank you to Stan for the last post. I enjoyed it very, very much. And, thanks for setting up our Q&A page.

I’ve got stuff to post about such as:

The latest news on “Lacy” of  Real Redneck Wedding post.

Plus, I, uh, well, it’s like this…no beating around the bush, I succumbed to the pressure from all the mags, television, movies, and social networking sites that tout products to make me look so young that I’d  need to be diapered.

I got BOTOX!!! Well, hell, y’all know that I can’t resist talking about this kind of stuff instead of being a classy woman and keeping my trap plum shut.

 So, two hopefully good reality post coming soon.

In the meantime, I want to share something that I got in my email. I don’t know who wrote it. If any of you do, let me know and I’ll give them the full credit that they so richly deserve.

 

How soon until reality sinks in? 

ass on ass

And it came to pass in the Age of Insanity that the people of the land

called America , having lost their morals, their initiative, and their

will to defend their liberties, chose as their Supreme Leader that

person known as “The One.”

He emerged from the vapors with a message that had no meaning; but He hypnotized the people telling them, “I am sent to save you.” My lack of experience, my questionable ethics, my monstrous ego, and my association with evil doers are of no consequence. I shall save you with hope and Change. Go, therefore, and proclaim throughout the land that he who proceeded me is evil, that he has defiled the nation, and that all he has built must be destroyed. And the people rejoiced, for even though they knew not what “The One” would do, he had promised that it was good; and they believed. And “The One” said ” We live in the greatest country in the world. Help me change everything about it!”

And the people said, “Hallelujah! Change is good!”

Then He said, “We are going to tax the rich fat-cats.” And the people said “Sock it to them!” “And redistribute their wealth.” And the people said, “Show us the money!” And then he said, “redistribution of wealth is good for everybody.”

And Joe the plumber asked, “Are you kidding me? You’re going to steal my money and give it to the deadbeats??” And “The One” ridiculed and taunted him, and Joe’s personal records were hacked and publicized.

One lone reporter asked, “Isn’t that Marxist policy?” And she was banished from the kingdom!

Then a citizen asked, “With no foreign relations experience and having zero military experience or knowledge, how will deal with radical terrorists?” And “The One” said, “Simple. I shall sit with them and talk with them and show them how nice we really are; and they will forget that they ever wanted to kill us all!” And the people said, “Hallelujah!! We are safe at last, and we can beat our weapons into free cars for the people!”

 

Then “The One” said “I shall give 95% of you lower taxes.” And one, lone voice said, “But 40% of us don’t pay ANY taxes.” So “The One” said, “Then I shall give you some of the taxes the fat-cats pay!” And the people said, “Hallelujah! Show us the money!”

Then “The One” said, “I shall tax your Capital Gains when you sell your homes!” And the people yawned and the slumping housing market collapsed. And He said, “I shall mandate employer-funded health care for every worker and raise the minimum wage. And I shall give every person unlimited health care and medicine and transportation to the clinics.” And the people said, “Give me some of that!” Then he said, “I shall penalize employers who ship jobs overseas.” And the people said, “Where’s my rebate check?”

Then “The One” said, “I shall bankrupt the coal industry and electricity rates will skyrocket!” And the people said, “Coal is dirty, coal is evil, no more coal! But we don’t care for that part about higher electric rates.” So “The One” said, Not to worry.. If your rebate isn’t enough to cover your expenses, we shall bail you out. Just sign up with the ACORN and you troubles are over!”

Then He said, “Illegal immigrants feel scorned and slighted. Let’s grant them amnesty, Social Security, free education, free lunches, free medical care, bi-lingual signs and guaranteed housing…” And the people said, “Hallelujah!” and they made him King!

And so it came to pass that employers, facing spiraling costs and ever-higher taxes, raised their prices and laid off workers. Others simply gave up and went out of business and the economy sank like unto a rock dropped from a cliff.

The banking industry was destroyed. Manufacturing slowed to a crawl. And more of the people were without a means of support..

Then “The One” said, “I am the “the One”- The Messiah – and I’m here to save you! We shall just print more money so everyone will have enough!” But our foreign trading partners said unto Him. “Wait a minute. Your dollar is not worth a pile of camel dung! You will have to pay more…” And the world said, “Wait a minute. That is unfair!!” And the world said, “Neither are these other idiotic programs you have embraced. Lo, you have become a Socialist state and a second-rate power. Now you shall play by our rules!”

And the people cried out, “Alas, alas!! What have we done?” But yea verily, it was too late. The people set upon The One and spat upon him and stoned him, and his name was dung. And the once mighty nation was no more; and the once proud people were without sustenance or shelter or hope. And the Change “The One” had given them was as like unto a poison that had destroyed them, and like a whirlwind that consumed all that they had built.

And the people beat their chests in despair and cried out in anguish, “give us back our nation and our pride and our hope!!” But it was too late, and their homeland was no more.

You may think this a fairy tale, but it’s not.

It’s happening RIGHT NOW

BRING ON THE CLOWNS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don’t bother, they’re here……. 

 

 

  

Not My Usual “Insert Word” Self Today….

I feel like a big pile of cold dog shit today.

It’s my anniversary. Nobody remembered. Not even TPKen, but then if he did, they’d have to bring in the electric paddle thingys to bring me back to life. He hasn’t remembered in a long time.

I’m at a crossroads in my life. I need CHANGE! I’ve really had enough of living in this unfinished house in the boogerwoods. No neighbors. Of course, that is a plus sometimes. I’m thinking of getting an apartment and just visiting here once a week. 

Like I said. I’m in a sucky mood.

I tried to do a poll with polldaddy. I made the poll but couldn’t figure out how to get it in this post. Yeah, once again, I suck today.

So, here’s the poll and the answers. Choose one.

a. funny, creative

b. sarcastic, mean

c.caring, kind

d.biker chick/hooker

e. a word or two of your choosing

After, you decide which one, reply and tell me.

Then, tell me the funniest joke that you’ve ever heard, Or, tell me a big fat secret of your own. I could stand to hear some  trashing of somebody or something, too.

This is YOUR CHANCE to help out a down-in-the-dumps-feeling-useless-sorry-for-myself  redenck, white trash blogger (who doesn’t feel like blogging about a damn thing today. Who knows…you might inspire me!)

I’ll be sitting here waiting. Probably having a drinky-poo or six while I wait.

I’ll Plead Insanity…..

This is a post that I wrote in a forum a while back. I do not write  there any longer and am moving some posts to this blog.

Also, I’m having a problem with my keyboard. If te letters h,u,t,i,g,n, l or b are left out of a word, fil tem in for yourself. I tried to correct tem al but fially gave up.

. You can’t see me!!!!!

 

The last 48 hours have been pure hell. Insomnia not only rearing it’s ugly head…..I think it’s about to eat me alive. Nerves feeliglike rubber bands being stretched to the break point. My whole body system seems to be singing a song called, “Kill me now and get this show on the road.” LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS of stress, which is aggravating my fybro and arthritis. I’ve take an insane amount of Motrin, Alleve, and Tylenol. Probably have major stomach rot by now.(Or, is that my belly button that I smell?……DOES YOUR BELLY BUTTON STINK? HeeHee…can’t pass up a chance to pimp another post. Actually, the 2nd most read post since I started my blog. Some of the comments are unbelievable).

TrailerparkKen has not been feeling well for some time. But, he refuses to go see a doctor. Why are men like that? Women, on the other hand, will go to find out what is wrong.. And, eventhough, I biotch about him a LOT in my blog, I am still concerned about his well-beig.. His blood pressure is 230/139….stroke area. I could not get him to go to the doc last night. He went today but his doctor was not there so he just turned around and came home. He refused to see the phys. assistant. One of the corners of his eye is blood red.
Now, keep in mind, we live out in the booger woods. If something should happen, it would take 911 the better part of a week to find us.

So, strung out like a junkie in withdrawal, I stayed awake last night almost all night. At 3 oclock this morning, I saw a car headlights in my driveway. The driveway is severalhundred feet long. Probably more than that. I’m not good at measurements. Never have been since I found out that there is a major discrecpacy between what a man consider 6 inches to me and what a woman KNOWS six inches is.  Anyway the car pulls up pretty close to the house with the headlights glaring into my dark/lights off  kitchen.
My first instinct is to go wake TPKen. But, then common sense took over and I realized that a sudden, abrupt awakening might cause something bad to happen to him. So, I realize that I’m on my own and it’s up to me to guard “my castle”.

 I crept up to the window and took a hiding place behind a ficus tree. I watch for a few minutes trying to figure out who  has coming calling at 3 in the morning. My mind is racing…..”fight or flee” reactions kicks in. I run into the bedroom to get the gun only to discover that TPK has removed the smaller Lady Smith and Wesson that I usually keep handy. It’s a very nice size 38 with “girly designs” and pearl inlay on the handle. Cute but deadly. In it’s place, he has laid his humongous handgun that has a 12 inch barrell. It’s a speical edition and it’s shell cost 5 bucks each. That gun is so heavy that an old west gunslinger would look like the Hunchback of NotreDame is he had it in his belt holster. This gun caused quite an argument between myself and TPKwhen he purchased it. I mean….why would you need a gun so heavy that you’d almost have to prop it up on a stool to even fire it. That is one damn heavy piece of metal and it was hard for me to even try to aim it. Well, at least he finally came to his senses about the $7,000 armour piercing monster gun that he had planned to buy. I think he realized that a judge would findthat grounds for D-I-V-O-R-C-E even in this gun crazy, redneck state.

S0, after pausing for just a sec, I know that if I’m gonna need a weapon, it’s gonna have to be that big-ass gun that was laying where my pretty, little S&W should have been.

Here I was….taking cover behind a fake fiscs tree and using all my arm and shoulder strength to hold that gigantic gun. I’m  begining to have serious doubts whether I can even aim and shoot it in the right direction. But, being a big, ol redneck woman (and proud member of the NRA), I knew that I had to do what I had to do. So, keeping the lights off so as not to be an easy target for the gangsta outside), stumbled up the hall and found the phone…..ready to call 911 if necessary.

I took my position behind the ficus again and started watching. The car had not moved. I was sitting in the same spot. So, I started watching again to see if anybody got out. The headlights were still on and the motor was running. I decided to creep across to the front door and peep out. My front door is one of those with frosted glass that has a few clear “peepholes”. When I got in my ready to stop, drop and shoot position there, I looked out and saw that the car and turned around and was heading out. I caught myself breathing a big sigh of relief.

 BUT, then the car stopped at the end of the driveway. So, I caught myself totally tensing up again. A few minutes later it drove off. This morning, TPK went out to get the newspaper. Turns out that it was the newspaper man (at 3 in the  morning) pullig up our paper box and moving it out to the end of the road……which totally enraged TPK. They have been feuding about the location of the paper box for a few days now.

What bothers me is that I have been so edgy and ready to fight, that I could have honestly shot the paper guy. But for the grace of God, I am here writing this tonight instead of in the “big house”.

When I start getting really stressed, I start getting really angry. I find myself looking for a fight from just about anyone over anything. This is one of the most dangerous phases of my BP. Out of medicine and not have a pdoc appt for 9 weeks I decided that I had to do something PDQ. Andwith tail tucked between my legs, I visited a local “Express Care” office right now the road from me. I was straight up and frank with the doc. I told her that I was at the breaking point and needed help and need it immediately. I told her that if she refused to prescribe me something for pain, stress, andsleep, that I was going to go find some street drugs. And I was damn dead serious.  And, I began to cry.

The last time that I got to a breaking point like this, it triggered one of the worst manic periods that I had in years. ple. This was the manic period when I came to a dead stop in the middle of the road because a two-toothed, shot gun racked, 4X 4 four wheel truck driving redneck was following me too close. I threated to kick his ass…..all 5’2″ of me up against his 6′plus frame. Could have gotten into some serious shit there until HE actually back down. Must have been smart enough underneath that skullet to know that he was dealing with a  deranged woman.

 I was slightly apprehensive that she would just think that I was a doctor shopper for drugs. But, she turned out to be very sympathetic. I got some arthritis med, some Xanax, and 12 Ambien. So, right now, I am in a thankfully pleasantly sedated

The bad part about that is that I have been trying to wean myself off all psych drugs for a few months now. This is a major setback to that. But, at least I won’t be in the pokey trading ciggies for half eaten balogna sandwiches with a skullet-wearig butch named Teensey

 So….at this point in time, I’ll feed the sweet, siren song of the drugs. Otherwise, I might have to hone a insanity defense, which would probaly be totally true.

****This post was originally written about 3 yrs ago. No big emotional flare-ups since. Only bouts of depression ranging from mild to almost “ready to go see Mama”.

Just Kill Me Now! Plus Alfie Not the Baby Daddy……

A few days ago, I was in Steak Escape to grab some lunch. It turned out to be crappy because they overcooked the meat to the point of eating leather. But, that’s neither here nor there as far as this post goes.

I was at the soda machine filling up one of those giganticbigass family size cups with Diet Coke when I heard, “Hey, I thought that was you! Girl, where ya been?”
I turned around and it was a girl that I had met several years ago. She worked at one of my favorite shopping in order to hoard the crap places and we just began talking whenever I went in (which was a helluva lot). Then, I worked at a jewelry store a couple of Christmas’ (to support my then habit of buying and giving away jewelry) and she became a regular customer.

Fern is a very intelligent, highly motivated college graduate who keeps seeming to hit brick walls when it comes to employment. She majored in business and computers and is now working at a low-bucks Sav-A-Lot grocery store. She admits that it might partly have to do with her poor choice in male friends, too. I hope that one day she’ll find a guy who will treat her well.

Fern has always enjoyed the better things in life despite her low or sometimes  total lack of income. Name brands, nice cars (nice Caddy), etc. So, it was not shocking to see her dressed to the nines and wearing lots of bling. I noticed a really cute red purse that she was carrying and was looking it over. As I turned it around, I said “What brand is this?”  She said,”Girl, what do you think? It’s Prada”.I love Fern to death but I think that purse was probably Parda…in other words FAKE. But, it was cute anyway.

Now, here is where it goes haywire. I have a terrible habit of imitating the speech habits….cadence, slang, etc. of whoever I’m talking with. Don’t mean to, just happens. Like another person has suddenly taken control of my vocal cords and mouth.

We’ve all had one (or in my case, many) of those moments when as soon as words leave your pie-hole, you wish with everything that was in you, you could suck ‘em back down? Well, that’s what happened.

Here’s what came out of my mouth when she said Prada:

“Niggah, pluuuuuuuzzzzzeeeee. Prada????”

OMG!!!! I don’t even know where that came from. It was like Wanda Sykes had hijacked my brain. Damn Sam in a Pepsi can!!!!!! WTF????? Here I am, whiter than a bleach alternative….German and Scotch ancestors…..we are talking TOTAL WHITEY here. More CRACKER than a box of Keebler’s saltines. I make Casper the Ghost look like he’s been lying in the hot Miami sun . And,  I swear I am not prejudice. Fern is one among many of my friends from different races and ethnicity. Fern looked at me like I had lost total control of my bowels and was taking a crap right  in the middle of The Steak Escape. It took both of us a minute to regain our composure. Slapmenowslapmenowslapmenowslapmenow!!!!!

I might also want to mention here that Fern could break me into, snapped like a twig in around 2 seconds time. She is a BEAST! I’m talking super-strong. Fern looks like a female version of Samuel L. Jackson. I’m always expecting to hear,

 “I’ve had it with these motherfuckin’ snakes on this motherfuckin’ plane!

Thank goodness, she knew that I am not racist or mean spirited. After an awkward 30 second silence, she (bless her heart) burst out laughing. She said, “Girl, you been listening to too much of that rap shit!”

I started to apologize but she stopped me and said that was the best laugh that she’d had in a while. Thank you, Fern, for your great sense of humor and especially for not considering kicking my ass right there in the Steak Escape.

So, today’s warm and freshly baked, warm and gooey shitcake goes to…..ME!

I just saw this and thought it was worth sharing…..

Sweet Deal: Teen Charged In Huge Candy Order

I can’t help wondering what he was going to do with all that candy?

By Associated Press

NBC 4

updated 3:15 p.m. ET, Tues., Feb. 10, 2009

MIDDLETOWN, Ohio – Police say an Ohio teenager tried to pull off a sweet deal, ordering more than $37,000 of candy online and charging it to his former high school.

Police say 18-year-old Jad Holmes used a purchasing number from Middletown High School to order thousands of lollipops and candy bars from Michigan-based The Goodies Factory. It wasn’t clear how he accessed the number.

The candy company became suspicious, contacted the school and was told by detectives to send an empty box.

Police say Holmes was arrested after the fake delivery to his home.

Holmes faces two counts of felony telecommunications fraud. He was being held in Middletown City Jail on more than $30,000 bond.

 

 

Also, speaking of dumb….

13 Year Old Daddy    That boy looks like he might have graduated to Pull Ups!

edited 2/19/09 I just saw on a cable news shows that Alfie, the 13 yr old is probably not the father of this baby. THANK GOODNESS! Seems that his 15 yr old sweetie was sleeping with 5 boys at the time that she conceived. One of the boys was Alfie’s older brother. Alfie’s and baby mama’s parents put their heads together and decided to name Alfie as the father. Why? Money, of course. They knew that pics of  pint-sized Alfie with the baby would bring money from the tabloids. They are real pieces of work! I feel sorry for the baby.

Decorating for Halloween…White Trash Style

 

I love Halloween! WIth the economy in the toilet now, I’m been busy as a one-legged woman in an ass-kickin’ contest trying to come up with frugal yet fun ways to decorate.

If you are like me and cannot at this time afford to go to Big Ruby’s Happy Hollidays Deco Store, then here are some great ideas that I’ve come up. I’ve found stuff around my house that I can use and thus, not spend a penny on store-bought decorations. I have become a regular White Trash Trailerpark dwellin’ Martha Stewart.

Feel free to steal any of these ideas.

Got kids? Grandkids? Any kids around? Head to their toy box. I found some really useful things in my friend’s little girl’s toy chest.

HANGIN ELMO

 SCARY!!!!Don’t have an Elmo? No problem! This is even scarier if you have a Baby Alive or American Girl doll. Use your imagination and hang up something unusual

 

.Got 2 or more Elmos? Here’s another great idea…..

 

I know what y’all are saying right now. That’s just too damn scary. So, if you think Removing Elmo’s Head is too frightening for your guest, you may choose just to remove Elmo’s hand. Not as scary but still gives goosebumps.

 

While rummaging around in the Little Tykes toy box, I came up with another super-dooper-guaranteed- to -bring- screams idea…..UNHOLY DOLLIESAll that you need for these heart-attack-inducing dolls are any kind of doll (baby dolls are the best, though) white chalk, and a black magic marker. If you are really creative, you may, also, use some catsup and make the dollies “bleed”. If you’re guest are really sick and unbalanced, get a baby doll that drinks and wets. There are even dolls now that “poop”. Water down the catsup, pull off doll’s head and fill the body cavity with the watered down catsup. This is also a good (sick ) way to play the old game, Hot Potato. Instead of dropping the “hot potato”, the loser squeezes the doll too hard and makes it have bloody bowel movements. Kids love this game!!!!!

 Here is a terrific outside idea. I, only, recommend this for people who are planning on painting there house soonor are card carrying Satanist

DISCLAIMER: Trailerparkbarbie is not responsible for your house still looking like this at Christmas. Please decorate responsibly.

While taking a break from painting my trailer, I got another fab idea. CHICKEN IN A TREE! BOO? NO…COCK-A-DOODLE-BOO!!!!!!

 Disclaimer: TPB is not responsible for any fainting, falling, or heart failures induced by Cock-a-Doodle-Boo. Please be responsible when putting fowl in your trees. Please remove chicken/rooster from tree within 24 hours.

Bwahahahha……just imagine the looks on your guests (or trick-or-treaters) faces, when out of no where, they hear a  screeeching rooster or hen noise coming from above!!!!!!

One more idea and then I’m off to decorate some more.

Don’t have a fog machine but wanna have the look of one? No problem! Invite all of your friends and family who smoke cigarettes, cigars, bongs, crack, or whatever. Seat them all together and when a visitor or trick-or-treater stops by……..VIOLA!

 

 

 

I hope that y’all have enjoy this chapter of White Trash Decoratin’.

Send your pictures of your party! Share the fright and fun with me.

Next time, I’ll tell you how to serve refreshments for little to nothin’!

Redneck Celebrities….

Y’all may have already seen these but I think they are belly-laughing hilarious. Got these in my inbox and don’t know where they actually originated. If anyone knows, please post a comment so that I can give that photoshopping genius some credit.

WHAT CELEBRITIES WOULD LOOK LIKE IF THEY MOVED TO WEST VIRGINIA

 JENNIFER ANISTON….”OK, KIDS….WHO NEEDS TO GO POTTY BEFORE WE LINE UP FOR LUNCH?”

BRITNEY SPEARS……

……HUH????? I’M STILL SEXY Y’ALL! NOW GO GET ME SOME DAMN  CHEETOHS!

ASHLEE SIMPSON…..ANOTHER SUPER JOB BY OLAN MILLS!!!!!

……MICHAEL DOUGLAS AND CATHERINE-ZETA-JONES……LOOKS LIKE THE TOP SELLING AGENT AND SPOUSE AT THE ALLSTATE CONVENTION

POSH AND DAVID BECKHAM…..THEY LOOK LIKE THEY SHOULD HAVE A PIG NAMED WILBUR

GWEN STEFANI…..OR DOLLY PARTEN AFTER EATING GWEN STEFANI

JENNIFER LOPEZ AND MARC ANTHONY……LOOKS LIKE THEY HAD THEIR FILL OF FATBACK AND BEANS!

JOHNNY DEPP…..”I’M BRINGIN’ SEXY BACK, Y’ALL!”…..BUSINESS IN THE FRONT…PARTY IN THE BACK

JOHN TRAVOLTA…..HE LOOKS LIKE THAT CREEPY UNCLE THAT WANTS YOU TO SIT ON HIS LAP AT CHRISTMAS DINNER

MARY KATE AND ASHLEY OLSEN….OMG! I HAVE NEVER SEEN A PICTURE WHERE THEY LOOK LIKE THEY HAVE EATEN!

PAM ANDERSON……SHE LOOKS LIKE A VO-TECH SCHOOL SECRETARY…”SURE I’LL WRITE YA TARDY SLIP, BUBBA. BUT, FIRST, YA GOTTA GO AND FETCH ME A COUPLE OF DONUTS FROM THE LUNCH ROOM.”

SARAH JESSICA PARKER….MOVED TO BOONE COUNTY TO REUNITE WITH HER LONG, LOST TWIN SISTER.

TARA REID…..POLICE FILE PICTURE….BUSTED WHEN COPS RAIDED A COCK FIGHT

 TOM CRUISE…..IN HIDING IN THE HILLS AFTER LEAVING SCIENTOLOGY AND JOINING BROTHER LOVE’S SNAKE HANDLING CHURCH

 

Somebody Give Me An AMEN!!!!!

My neck of the woods is located in the Bible Belt. Yessirreee! And, we take our baptisms seriously.

Here’s proof…..

That’s the first step. The next step is rolling the baptized into a huge snowbank nekkid. This is to freeze the evil spirits. The baptized one must run totally blue before it works. Well, we’ve lost a few but at least they went UP YONDER!

Actually, that is a real video. The second part, I just made up for the hell of it.

When my half-sister was too be baptized in the river, she was hankering for a new baptism dress. Dad told her that we couldn’t afford it. (Here once again, I get to tell you how damn poor we were!) My sister was a regular spitfire and when she set her mind of something she wanted, she got it. So, she just went uptown where the dress shops were located and stole herself a frilly little number. Did you get that…..she stole her baptism dress!!!! The day came and at the river, my sister waited her turn. Finally she got dunked. When raised up from the water, she was asked, “How do you feel now?” The preacher fully expected something like, “Cleansed. My sins are washed away!”

But, this is what he got (truth….if I’m lying, I’m dying) ……….She said, “Not a damn bit better. Where’s a towel?”

I’ve written this before but just in case some of you haven’t read it……here’s what I remember most about my baptism. After, it was over, and we got home, my mom gave me a WHOLE bag of those orange marshmallow circus peanuts!!!!!

I ran and hid and starting eating those suckers. I would have eat them until I puked orange marshmallow except………

My dear mother told me that now that I was a baptized Christian, I should share with my brothers and sisters. It was the right thing to do, she said. So, I had to divvy up my damn prized circus peanuts with those heathens. Now, at every baptism that I attend, I go out right afterward and buy myself a bag of circus peanuts. And, I don’t share ‘em!