My Insomnia Is So Bad….

I had an appointment with a periodontist yesterday. It was for the insertion of a titanium post into my jawbone.

Due to taking the wonder meds for osteoporosis, Actenol , Fosamax, Boniva, and others (yes I am being sarcastic), I have to undergo extensive dental work.  The first phase is to rebuild a whole tooth where one that seemed perfectly normal broke off when I bit into a soft, blueberry muffin. I wonder if Sally Field has loss any teeth, yet.

And, I’ve been suffering with insomnia for the last couple of nights (maybe, due to the horrible dreams that I’ve written about in my last couple of posts). I went into the periodontist’s office sooooo tired!

How tired was I? Well, I feel asleep and started to snore during the drilling into my jaw bone and the insertion of the post into the drilled-out hole. Also, slept thru being stitched up and the cleaning up of blood off of my face.  During a break when the periodontist left the room, I asked the assistant if I had really been snoring. Just wanted to see if it had happened or had I imagined it. Sure enough, I was snoring.

After it was all over, the periodontist commented that I was the most relaxed patient that he had ever seen. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I am not a relaxed patient. I am usually a very tense patient when anyone is working in my mouth. I was just too damn tired to be nervous.

Seriously, I cannot believe that I fell asleep during oral surgery. Maybe, I need to be sleep deprived on all my visits.

And, for the first time in a while, I am awarding my prestigious shitcake award…to the drug companies that have a habit of not being truthful about drug side effects until forced to come clean….

FRESH FROM MY OVEN TO YOU, PROCTER AND GAMBLE, MERCK, AND GLAXO SMITH-CLINE,  AND ROCHE LABORATORIES, THE MAKERS OF BONIVA, ACTENOL, AND FOSAMAX. AND, YOU DON’T NEED TEETH TO EAT IT.

Go ahead, grab yourself and big ol’ slice. You’ve earned it. Just be glad that this time, it wasn’t a lawsuit that I served up….(yet).

PS…I’ll bet Sally Field, The Flying Nun wouldn’t be on a commercial pushing that crap if her teeth started falling out. But, then, some people would sell their own mother for money, wouldn’t they?

Another Story About My Senior Homies

Another excerpt from my other blog…..

 

Today, my friend, the one that owns an antique store called me. He said that he had a man that wanted to sell an antique sapphire necklace. He wanted to know if I would go help him out and maybe, list it on ebay. He is so good to me that I agreed to to do it. I got the directions to the guy’s house and drove over there. Here’s how it went…..

Ring doorbell
80ish year old guy answers and wants to know who I am.
I tell him and he tells me to come in.
I ask him where the necklace is and he tells me it’s in a back room and he has to find it. So, fine. We go look for it. It turns out that this guy has a collection of EVERYTHING that he has EVER owned. Old newspapers, stuffed animals, CEREAL BOXES, every doo-dad know to man and much, much, much more.

So, he and I are looking thru stuff. About 15 minutes in to the search, I hear this….

“What are we looking for?”

Huh???????

“The necklace that you want me to sell for you.”

“Oh yeah. That’s right.”

Back to the search. About 10 more minutes pass and I hear…..

“What did you say we were looking for?”

OMG!!!!!

“Remember the sapphire necklace? The one you want me to put on Ebay?”

“Yeah. That’s right. It’s in here somewhere.”

Back to the search. And I swear on my granny’s grave, this is what I hear AGAIN….

“What am I looking for, again?”

Oh jeez….now what am I suppose to do? I’m in a strange 80 yr old man’s house and he’s obviously suffering from memory loss. So, I said……

“I don’t know what we’re looking for. Maybe, I had better come back when we figure it out.”

And he says….

“Well, what in the hell are you doing in here if you don’t know what you are looking for?”

This is where I ’bout lost it. The whole thing struck me as sooooo damn funny that I was almost in pain trying not to laugh.

I figured that I had to do something PDQ. So, I just told him that I had gotten a headache and needed to go to my car and get some Tylenol. And I did. Go to my car, that is. I did not get Tylenol.  I drove off. I got home and called my friend and told him what happened. I hung up on him when he wouldn’t quit laughing. I’m still not sure if he set me up or if the guy really had a necklace.

That old goat has a strange sense of humor. I’ll get him back some way. When he least expects it, I’ll do something!

For now, I’ll give him the shitcake award……

Racial Profiling?????

 

Racial profiling???? NO! Funny? YES!!!!!

It’s time for us all to just get along and quit being so damn sensitive.  And, I think most people will agree with that….except for Acorn, the Black Panthers, and the KKK. But, who really gives a rat’s ass what any of them think anyway??? Let them eat shitcake…..

Billy Bob Thornton Interviews Joaquin Phoenix

 

I was going to post my thoughts on Obubba’s 100 Days speech. But, frankly, I need a break from all the bad news of this past week. And, I couldn’t think of any enchanting questions for him. WTF? ENCHANTING?????

So, instead, I looked around the net to find something that would make me laugh instead of cry.

I found it and here it is……BB Thorton and J Phoenix.

ENJOY!!!!

BTW…today’s yummy, warm, fresh from the oven shitcake goes to Obama for only taking 13 questions in 55 minutes. Wouldn’t it be nice if he had a timer that went off after rambling off a subject for 10 minutes. Or, maybe, a bucket of water could be positioned overhead and would spill on his head after the 50th “uh..uh”.

Barry and The Pirates……

I got this in my email today and found it to be extremely interesting. BHO has certainly gotten one thing right…..hiring the best spin doctors around. I’m sad to say that this does not surprise me one tiny bit.

 

“Herewith lies the difference between friendly media spin and reality! Semper Fi Having spoken to some SEAL pals here in Virginia Beach yesterday and asking why this thing dragged out for 4 days, I got the following:

1. BHO wouldn’t authorize the DEVGRU/NSWC SEAL teams to the scene for 36 hours going against OSC (on scene commander) recommendation.

2. Once they arrived, BHO imposed restrictions on their ROE that they couldn’t do anything unless the hostage’s life was in “imminent” danger

3. The first time the hostage jumped, the SEALS had the raggies all sighted in, but could not fire due to ROE restriction.

4. When the navy RIB came under fire as it approached with supplies, no fire was returned due to ROE restrictions. As the raggies were shooting at the RIB, they were exposed and the SEALS had them all dialed in.

5. BHO specifically denied two rescue plans developed by the Bainbridge CPN and SEAL teams

 6. Bainbridge CPN and SEAL team CDR finally decide they have the OpArea and OSC authority to solely determine risk to hostage. 4 hours later, 3 dead raggies

7. BHO immediately claims credit for his “daring and decisive” behaviour.

As usual with him, it’s BS. So per our last email thread, I’m downgrading Oohbaby’s performace to D-. Only reason it’s not an F is that the hostage survived. Read the following accurate account.

 Philips’ first leap into the warm, dark water of the Indian Ocean hadn’t worked out as well. With the Bainbridge in range and a rescue by his country’s Navy possible, Philips threw himself off of his lifeboat prison, enabling Navy shooters onboard the destroyer a clear shot at his captors — and none was taken.

 The guidance from National Command Authority — the president of the United States, Barack Obama — had been clear: a peaceful solution was the only acceptable outcome to this standoff unless the hostage’s life was in clear, extreme danger. The next day, a small Navy boat approaching the floating raft was fired on by the Somali pirates — and again no fire was returned and no pirates killed. This was again due to the cautious stance assumed by Navy personnel thanks to the combination of a lack of clear guidance from Washington and a mandate from the commander in chief’s staff not to act until Obama, a man with no background of dealing with such issues and no track record of decisiveness, decided that any outcome other than a “peaceful solution” would be acceptable.

 After taking fire from the Somali kidnappers again Saturday night, the onscenecommander decided he’d had enough. Keeping his authority to act in the case of a clear and present danger to the hostage’s life and having heard nothing from Washington since yet another request to mount a rescue operation had been denied the day before, the Navy officer — unnamed in all media reports to date — decided the AK47 one captor had leveled at Philips’ back was a threat to the hostage’s life and ordered the NSWC team to take their shots. Three rounds downrange later, all three brigands became enemy KIA and Philips was safe

. There is upside, downside, and spinside to the series of events over the last week that culminated in yesterday’s dramatic rescue of an American hostage. Almost immediately following word of the rescue, the Obama administration and its supporters claimed victory against pirates in the Indian Ocean and [1] declared that the dramatic end to the standoff put paid to questions of the inexperienced president’s toughness and decisiveness

. Despite the Obama administration’s (and its sycophants’) attempt to spin yesterday’s success as a result of bold, decisive leadership by the inexperienced president, the reality is nothing of the sort. What should have been a standoff lasting only hours — as long as it took the USS Bainbridge and its team of NSWC operators to steam to the location — became an embarrassing four day and counting standoff between a ragtag handful of criminals with rifles and a U.S. Navy warship.”

Stay tuned for more Bedtime With Barry Stories….Tales for the Whole Family

Such as…..

Barry and Hugo Go To The Library

Barry Learns to Bow for The Prince

Barry Apologizes For His Country’s Greatness

and 47 other wonderful stories with morals for the whole family! Get your limited edition today. Send 5 billion dollars to Czar of Publications, 600 Pennsylvinia Ave. Washington D.C.

Have a piece of delicious warm and gooey shitcake, Barry…….

 

Well, dear readers, once again, there is more than meets the eye here. Barry and The Pirates has become the lesser of two stories. The real story is the smackdown brawl in the comments. Here’s your opportunity to be the judge. Who’s winning the war of comment words? Vote now and I will send you a  nice American made pair of No Spin Zone undies.

DISCLAIMER……I really am not going to give you anything much less NSZ bloomers. I don’t actually have any and if I did I’d sell them on eBay.

Just Kill Me Now! Plus Alfie Not the Baby Daddy……

A few days ago, I was in Steak Escape to grab some lunch. It turned out to be crappy because they overcooked the meat to the point of eating leather. But, that’s neither here nor there as far as this post goes.

I was at the soda machine filling up one of those giganticbigass family size cups with Diet Coke when I heard, “Hey, I thought that was you! Girl, where ya been?”
I turned around and it was a girl that I had met several years ago. She worked at one of my favorite shopping in order to hoard the crap places and we just began talking whenever I went in (which was a helluva lot). Then, I worked at a jewelry store a couple of Christmas’ (to support my then habit of buying and giving away jewelry) and she became a regular customer.

Fern is a very intelligent, highly motivated college graduate who keeps seeming to hit brick walls when it comes to employment. She majored in business and computers and is now working at a low-bucks Sav-A-Lot grocery store. She admits that it might partly have to do with her poor choice in male friends, too. I hope that one day she’ll find a guy who will treat her well.

Fern has always enjoyed the better things in life despite her low or sometimes  total lack of income. Name brands, nice cars (nice Caddy), etc. So, it was not shocking to see her dressed to the nines and wearing lots of bling. I noticed a really cute red purse that she was carrying and was looking it over. As I turned it around, I said “What brand is this?”  She said,”Girl, what do you think? It’s Prada”.I love Fern to death but I think that purse was probably Parda…in other words FAKE. But, it was cute anyway.

Now, here is where it goes haywire. I have a terrible habit of imitating the speech habits….cadence, slang, etc. of whoever I’m talking with. Don’t mean to, just happens. Like another person has suddenly taken control of my vocal cords and mouth.

We’ve all had one (or in my case, many) of those moments when as soon as words leave your pie-hole, you wish with everything that was in you, you could suck ‘em back down? Well, that’s what happened.

Here’s what came out of my mouth when she said Prada:

“Niggah, pluuuuuuuzzzzzeeeee. Prada????”

OMG!!!! I don’t even know where that came from. It was like Wanda Sykes had hijacked my brain. Damn Sam in a Pepsi can!!!!!! WTF????? Here I am, whiter than a bleach alternative….German and Scotch ancestors…..we are talking TOTAL WHITEY here. More CRACKER than a box of Keebler’s saltines. I make Casper the Ghost look like he’s been lying in the hot Miami sun . And,  I swear I am not prejudice. Fern is one among many of my friends from different races and ethnicity. Fern looked at me like I had lost total control of my bowels and was taking a crap right  in the middle of The Steak Escape. It took both of us a minute to regain our composure. Slapmenowslapmenowslapmenowslapmenow!!!!!

I might also want to mention here that Fern could break me into, snapped like a twig in around 2 seconds time. She is a BEAST! I’m talking super-strong. Fern looks like a female version of Samuel L. Jackson. I’m always expecting to hear,

 “I’ve had it with these motherfuckin’ snakes on this motherfuckin’ plane!

Thank goodness, she knew that I am not racist or mean spirited. After an awkward 30 second silence, she (bless her heart) burst out laughing. She said, “Girl, you been listening to too much of that rap shit!”

I started to apologize but she stopped me and said that was the best laugh that she’d had in a while. Thank you, Fern, for your great sense of humor and especially for not considering kicking my ass right there in the Steak Escape.

So, today’s warm and freshly baked, warm and gooey shitcake goes to…..ME!

I just saw this and thought it was worth sharing…..

Sweet Deal: Teen Charged In Huge Candy Order

I can’t help wondering what he was going to do with all that candy?

By Associated Press

NBC 4

updated 3:15 p.m. ET, Tues., Feb. 10, 2009

MIDDLETOWN, Ohio – Police say an Ohio teenager tried to pull off a sweet deal, ordering more than $37,000 of candy online and charging it to his former high school.

Police say 18-year-old Jad Holmes used a purchasing number from Middletown High School to order thousands of lollipops and candy bars from Michigan-based The Goodies Factory. It wasn’t clear how he accessed the number.

The candy company became suspicious, contacted the school and was told by detectives to send an empty box.

Police say Holmes was arrested after the fake delivery to his home.

Holmes faces two counts of felony telecommunications fraud. He was being held in Middletown City Jail on more than $30,000 bond.

 

 

Also, speaking of dumb….

13 Year Old Daddy    That boy looks like he might have graduated to Pull Ups!

edited 2/19/09 I just saw on a cable news shows that Alfie, the 13 yr old is probably not the father of this baby. THANK GOODNESS! Seems that his 15 yr old sweetie was sleeping with 5 boys at the time that she conceived. One of the boys was Alfie’s older brother. Alfie’s and baby mama’s parents put their heads together and decided to name Alfie as the father. Why? Money, of course. They knew that pics of  pint-sized Alfie with the baby would bring money from the tabloids. They are real pieces of work! I feel sorry for the baby.

White Trash Explanation of Stimulus Package….

 

I’m confused. I’ve been trying to research and understand the stimulus plan put forth by the Obama administration. Finally, I found a clear and easily understood explanation. And, here it is:

I don’t know about y’all but this mammoth pile of papers that nobody has read scares me. I don’t feel like I/we are part of the decision making in our government any longer. What’s next?

Today’s piece of  whole freshly baked shitcake (with my famous mystery chocolate frosting) goes to all the Democrats and the chicken-shit Republicans that are voting for this mess.

 

“editing “just because I can…..ain’t free speech great?

A friend of mine pointed me to this great link where you, yes YOU, can apply for some of the stimulus money. Check it out……

I did and looky, looky at this……

“Congratulations!

Your request has been approved! CLICK HERE  to view your stimulus and to roam around in $800 billion worth of other giveaways. Your program is buried in Title III, Subtitle A.”

Now, don’t go thinking that’s is all easy as pie. Notice that mine was buried in Title III Subtitle A. I had to read a lot of baloney (some of it very wordyMcword) to get to the paydirt. Don’t give up if  your request is granted (and it will be). Wade thru the gobbilygook til you get to the money part.

Now, go on, y’all. Get your piece of the pie. Here’s the   FREE MONEY  to lead you to high-livin’, permanent vacation lifestyles. BE sure to post a nice thank-you to ReasonOnline who made my dream come true!

BTW….I applied for money to establish a research team for the study of lazy people’s habits.

One more thing…..don’t leak it to that Donna, the Socialist, who has been commenting. Of course, she’s probably too busy drinking the latest batch of kool-aid to notice this anyway.

edited again!…..I didn’t expect this post to cause so much controversy. There are already over 75 comments. The comments are worth reading if you would  like to see the difference in the way people think about the stimulus plan. Don’t hesitate to add your own comments on how you see the stimulus plan and it’s chance of working/not working. This is getting pretty interesting. So, jump on in……