This was originally written back in July. I am reposting it with the latest updates for all of the people (OK…1 person) who have inquired about “Lacie” aka Mrs. Drake. This is rather long so run to the bathroom and pee. Then, grab a cup of coffee/soda/beer/vodka, etc. and make yourself comfy.
I cross my fingers…hope to die….stick a needle in my eye…..the following story is true. Hard to believe but very, very true. Some of you will say…”Nah, no way. It’s impossible that anybody has a white trash person in there family with that much dumbness!” I assure you….it is.
I had to give it some thought before writing this post. I may appear heartless and better-than-you-are-nana nana-boo-boo (some of y’all will be familiar with that little taunt) but it’s the price I pay for my never ending drive to amuse and entertain thru blogging.
Besides, if I didn’t record the family’s history and events, who would? Do you actually think that my brother who lives in a car wash (yes, hon, this is true, too. See past post) would have the time or inclination to be the family historian. Alright already, I know what you are thinking. She’s justifying making fun of her relatives. And, I say….HELL YES, I AM! If I’ve got to have them in my family then the least compensation that I could receive is the right to use them as material for my blog.
Right before midnight last night, I got a call from my niece I will call Lacie. Lacie tends to forget that some of us get up before noon and go to bed at a reasonable hour in order to do so. Lacie has never had a job and sleeps until around two-ish everyday except on weekend when she sleeps in. Lacie is on a government disability check and is a proud card carrying lifetime member on the state welfare roll. She has 3 children, one of whom recently chose to go live with his dad. Lacie is a hypochondriac with a habit of going to the ER via ambulance on weekend nights. I wondered for a long time why then? I got my answer thru a few phone conversations in which she mentioned several different people by name.
“And, who is “fill-in blank”, Lacie”, I’d ask her.
“Oh, I met him/her at the ER and we became friends”, she would say.
So, apparently, there are a group of people who regularly go to the ER on Saturday nite…..kinda like a social gathering. I believe they have formed some kind of club. PWVERSWR….People who visit ER’s with regularity. Lacie has actually traded photos of her kids with some of the other club members. And, the best part of this club is that it is totally free to the members. Never mind, that we, the taxpayers, are paying out of our hiney for those ambulance rides. Oh crap, don’t get me started on this. Oh wait, you didn’t. I did. Enough about massive abuse of taxpayer money. That’s for another time.
I’m sure that you are thinking, “Why doesn’t she just get to the damn point!”
Patience, dear. Patience. Without some background history, you cannot begin to appreciate the conversation that Lacie and I had close to midnight on Saturday.
Lacie has many, many illnesses. Why, the dear girl even had something wrong with her prostate! I didn’t bother telling her that she doesn’t own a prostate. She is unable to walk very far. On this one, I did try to tell her that sleeping all day and eating a diet of fried foods, chips, and cakes might be a little bit of the cause. I encourage her to get up earlier, changer her diet a bit, and maybe, try taking a small walk every day. She countered that with the fact that she gets to use the Rascals at WalMart so it wasn’t a big problem.
Lacie’s first time at driving a Rascal was somewhat un-nerving. More for the WalMart workers than for her. She got behind the wheel (oh yeah, she doesn’t have a driver’s license and had never driven anything in her life except a Big Wheel) and proceeded to mow down an entire display of greeting cards. And, a clerk. She was indignant startled knocked out of the Rascal on her very large ass. She threatened to sue. I think the outbreak of laughter whenever she told this story may have stopped that.
Lacie is, also, to put it bluntly a really, really, really bad housekeeper. If I ever had to go to her house, I stayed standing looking out of the corners of my eyes for the very large roaches that have built their own roach motels in her house. And, then, there are the 15+ cats. Maybe, more. That house is so dirty and piled up with stuff, that even I, a serious card carrying hoarder, can not take it for longer than 5 minutes.
Now, you have some background info, so on to the call right before midnight.
“ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring” Oh, my phone was ringing right before midnight. Y’all know what goes thru your mind when you get a call right before midnight. A family member is hurt. A family member has been in an accident. A loved one has died. Your brother is in the hospital on suicide watch again. Your nephew is back in jail. That kind of stuff. So, with a trembling hand, I answered it expecting the worse.
“Hello”….I couldn’t keep the fear out of my voice.
And, I hear….laughter. WTH? A prankster? I’ll trace this call and…..
“Hey! It’s me….Lacie! Guess what!? You’ll never guess! Guess!!!!!” she said.
“I dunno. You wrecked another Rascal?” I really didn’t feel like playing this game.
“Uh, uh “giggles” uh “giggles” I’m “giggles” getting married!” she said giggling.
“Really? To whom? And, when?”….I was definitely not giggling.
“To i-can’t remember-his-name (me, I can’t remember his name. She can. I hope). We’re getting married this coming weekend. And, I want you to be in it!….she was wound up tight, I tell ya. “And, I want TrailerParkBarbie t sing in it!”…….Uh oh, TPB is not going to be very happy about this.
Me….”Well, you’ll have to ask her if you want her to sing. And, exactly what am I suppose to be in your wedding? I know, I’ll be your photographer!”……….Oh yes, thank you, Lord. This pictures could be priceless! And, the video on youtube! Maybe, CMT would be interested in Her Big Redneck Wedding!!!!
Lacie….”I’ve been trying to call her”. Didn’t have the heart to tell her that TPS has caller ID. She went on,”And I won’t have a phone after tomorrow. So, will you tell her?”
Me….”Why won’t you have a phone?”
Now, it gets good.
Lacie….”Mine has been cut off because I couldn’t pay my bill. And, this one belongs to “whathisname” and it’s going to be turned off on Monday”.
Me….”Why haven’t ya’ll paid your bills?” I already knew the answer to why she didn’t. She had her land phone turned off so many times and had to come up with deposits each time to turn it back on. The last time, she just didn’t even fool with it. The bill remained unpaid. The phone got turned off and she went and got a cellphone…..which apparently had fallen to the same neglect of payment. So, I wondered why “whathisname”’s phone was being turned off.
Here we go. A story of LOVE!
(which brings to mind this lovely poem by Nate Owens )
Lacie…”Because we were at WalMart and we were looking at rings and he bought one with his phone money!”
Lacie…”I said, ‘but, but, but, …what about your phone’? And he said, “I don’t need a phone. I need you. I need your love.” …..
“heartless snickering here” Can’t help it. I know what she looks like and how goofy she is. And, I also, know that she gets up in time to watch her stories (Soaps) and leans toward talking like the characters when she’s talking about her life.
Then, he got down on one knee right there at the jewelry counter and proposed…..again. I don’t know this guy. I’ve never seen him. But, here is what I do know. He is middle-aged, has no job, and has no problem sharing her home with her mess, roaches, and cats. In other words, he’s a loser. Let me add that he doesn’t mind sharing her gov checks either.
I’ll try to go a little faster. This is turning into a novel.
Lacie got all emotional (teary-eyed, jumping up and down, screaming) and fell over. Flat on the floor right there in front of the jewelry case at WalMart on a Saturday. In my mind, I can see a large number of people watching this unfold. I can, also, see the manager saying to himself, “Please, God, don’t let that be the woman who wrecked the Rascal laying there in my floor. PLEASE!”
Lacie said that she had a seizure. Now, it is true that she actually does have some type of a seizure on occasion. However, her claim that she has had seizures since she was a baby and her mom didn’t know it is very questionable.
So, Lacie and her beloved rode the ambulance home where she took some medicine and lay down on the six cats that were sleeping on the sofa and went to sleep for a while. Then, like any good white trash woman, she got up and went back to WalMart to finish her shopping. She informed me that she had found the perfect dress and shoes…..at WalMart. The dress cost $20 and I am just praying that it does not have Taz, Mickey, or Winnie the Pooh on the front because she has a real thing for that type of fashion. I forgot to ask her what the sandals cost but I’m pretty sure they are jelly sandals.
I proceeded to drill Lacie on details of her wedding.
Me…”So, where are you getting married and what time?”
Lacie…”I dunno. We still gotta figure that out.”
Me…”Who is performing the ceremony?”
Lacie…”Well, we have 2 preachers and need to pick one.”
Me…”Who are they?”
Lacie…”Uh uh uh….one is from a church down the street. I don’t know his name. The other one is one that I met at the ER.”
Me (trying to be helpful. Y’all stop laughing. I really was!) “Don’t you think that you need to talk to one of them a few days ahead of time and see if they’ll be available?”
Lacie…”giggle giggle” “Yeah, I guess we’re gonna have to figure that out, too.”
Now, it is almost one a.m. and I’ve had enough. I’m tired. I am not in good thinking mode and want to go to bed.
Me…”Well, did you tell your dad or your brother?”
Lacie…”Not yet. I’m gonna have to figure that out.”
Me…”Figure what out? All ya gotta do is call them.”
Lacie…”Yeah, but, uh, uh, I’m not gonna have a phone. So, I’m gonna have to figure that out.”
Me…”Well, congratulations. I really need to go to bed now. Let me know where and when.”
If this wedding takes place, I will do everything in my power to be there. Taking pics and video just so I can prove to y’all that this is true. And, besides, I’ve already got my wedding outfit picked out….a nifty sundress with Eyeore really big and right smack on the front.
Ain’t love grand.
Funny thing is, I found myself lying in bed later thinking about how much I’d like to be Lacie for a while. Do things by the seat of my pants. Not caring what other people thought about me. And, getting excited enough to go into a seizure. And….no more house cleaning!
UPDATE: 6/4/08 Lacie’s wedding has been postponed. So, all y’all who had planned on taking your vacation time to attend, please note the new date. July 4, 2008. Yee Haw….a real redneck wedding with fireworks!
Lacie just called and said that she was crossing the road and fell into a pot hole and sprained/broke her ankle. She was at the ER and had not been x-rayed yet. What is surprising to me is that she was walking across the road. Must have been giving away free tator chips or something on the other side of the road.
I’ve been on pins and needles waiting for the call to come with wedding details. But, when I finally got the call, it was to inform me that she had just gotten married!
DAMMIT!!!!!
Oh, sure, I’m happy for her, etc. etc. etc. But, I really wanted to attend and even better, take pics and movie. With one phone call, she wiped away all my dreams of being the next famous Youtube-er.
DAMMIT!!!!!
Instead, I was talking on the phone with the new Mrs. Lacie Drake.
Lacie Drake…..sounds like either a porn star or soap opera name. Actually, I rather like it. Presenting, for your entertainment…..Lacie Drake…..
She was plum giddy with joy. At least, I think she was but since she acts pretty silly most of the time, I can’t swear to it.
With out further rambling, here are the details that I have so far:
Lacie and Mr. Drake decided on July 1 to “just up and do it” on the 4th of July. She tried to call her dad. His phone was off the hook. She tried to call 2 uncles with no luck. She thought she had called me and let me know the details but she had not. Love makes you idle-brained (LOL that’s an inside joke to myself and I’m laughing at it). So, it was a small wedding.
Her two daughters and her son attended. One daughter sang a country song. Poor girl has never sang in public. She’s only 12. Sang with no music. Bless her heart! And, I’m not being sarcastic. I’ll bet her heart was full of music. After all, she was finally getting a daddy. I really hope that he will be good to those kids. They’ve had a hard life.
Now,everybody ready for the good parts?
Her son moved out of her house and in with his father about 8 months ago. This is not an ex-husband but a baby daddy. One of her baby daddy. Tom (name changed for protection of me) drove several hours from another state to bring his/her son to the wedding. That was very nice of him. He did something just as nice for her. I think he did it for her but could have had an ulterior motive, like making sure she got married which would most likely free him and his new wife from her harassment. He bought them some wedding rings. Little gold bands. I find this to be very thoughtful but a little weird. How many of us can say that our baby daddy bought wedding rings for us and our new husbands?
I’m not sure how this came about but she got married in the Church of the Nazarene (which is a very lovely church). And, he must have been a lovely pastor because instead of the traditional couple pays the pastor, this pastor paid them. Actually, he gave them money to go to Kroger’s or Wal-Mart and buy themselves a wedding cake. What a generous and kind thing to do!
Then, the son baby daddy offered to take the two girl’s (he’s not their baby daddy) for a few days to give Mr. and Mrs. Drake time alone (to make a porn movie? Lacie Drake just sounds like a porn name to me. But, secretly I want it. I want the name…..Lacie Drake. I want to get all decked out with a sexy dress and CMF pumps and enter a room. And announce…..Drake. Lacie Drake. That’s my name. Now, don’t wear it out. I thin that last part was from Pee-Wee’s playhouse. Of course, PeeWee is associated with porn, too.
Drunk with love, Lacie and Mr. Drake decided to hell with a cake. Instead, they used the money to go to a traveling carnival…..where they each got to ride the Octopus, the Scrambler, the Ferris Wheel, and the Haunted House!
Got married on the 4th of July. Got to watch fireworks on your wedding night.
Got to ride the Scrambler!!!
DAMMIT! I’m pissed!!!! I didn’t get to take pictures. And, secretly, I would love for my wedding to have been that cool (’cept the not having any money part).
CONGRATULATIONS MR AND MRS DRAKE (ALONG, OF COURSE, WITH YOUR KIDS AND MANY, MANY, MANY CATS!)
1-05-09
Hi y’all…..I’ve been slacking ’round here really bad. I’ve got tons of stuff to write about. My life might not be front page gossip-column material but sometimes, it is quite interesting.
I’ll write about my White Trash Christmas in the next post. But, right now, I just can’t resist updating y’all on The Life Of Mrs. Drake.
“Lacie” aka Mrs. Drake (I still think that sounds like a porn star/soap opera name) has been pretty much unreachable until this week. Her phone was disconnected (but, hey, she did get a ring!) and I had no way to call her. Sure, I could have gone over to her house. And, I would have if I didn’t mind sharing a seat with monster-size cockroaches and more cats than The Original Infamous Crazy Cat Lady. “Lacie” has soooo many cats that her tombstone should read…..
So, since it is winter and fresh air is a scarce commodity at the Drake household, try as I might, I just could not bring myself to go visit. I figured that I’d wait until late spring/early summer so that we might be able to sit outside. I’m not exaggerating. If only I were!
Over the weekend, I got a call from Lacie (no more quotation marks. Y’all get my drift by now). She seemed deleriously happy in her married life. Truthfully, though, she seems pretty delerious pretty much most of the time about pretty much everything. As I have stated before, I envy her breaks with reality and the ability to live in her own Laciland. I wouldn’t mind being so clueless sometimes.
Once again, I’m getting off-subject. So, back to the Drake household. It would take a novella-size post to repeat the entire conversation so here is a Cliff-note style summation.
Lacie left out one minor detail about her new husband. Actually, that’s not true. She left out several details about her beloved.
1. She is the fifth Mrs. Drake
2. Her dearest is a convict. When she first called (read the whole post) to announce her impending wedding, I asked her what he did for a living. She said that he did “odd jobs” aka “no job“. What I discovered in the latest conversation is that he does leave for work on a regular schedule and comes on at the same time every evening. I know those of y’all who have followed the “Lacie Saga” are just holding your breath waiting for me to tell you that I was wrong about him. Nope…not gonna do it. His “JOB” is reporting to an inmate work-release program. He got busted selling prescription drugs. And, this was before she married him.
3. Lacie still seems to believe that I desire to have conversations with her favorite cat/cats on the phone. I’m sure that everyone has bit there tongue a time or two when a friend or relative insists that you talk to little Johnny or Susie, their blabbering toddler. Try talking to someone who wants to put Stinky, the cat, on the phone. What the hell am I suppose to say to a cat….”Meow are you today? Did you by any chance see that article in Cat Fancy about……?”
4. Worse than being shoved into holding a telephone with a purring cat at the other end is being shoved into holding the phone while Mrs. Drake insist on putting Mr. Drake on the phone. What the hell am I suppose to say…..”So, how’s work-release going? Made any friends?”
5. This is sickly hilarious. It seems that Mrs. Drake #4 , also, happens to be on the same work-release program as Lacie’s man. This seems to be causing lots of problems as she (#4) has been trying to push #5 (Lacie) out of the picture so that she and Mr. Drake might reunite. Mr. Drake has gone so far as to complain and has requested to be transfered to a different WR program. His request is pending.
6. Lacie had a wonderful Christmas, for which I am seriously grateful. Honest, I really am. She received the following gifts from her spouse. (a) a Tiger tee (b) a stuffed cat (c) a Hello Kitty necklace (d) Fluffy cat couch throw . Is it just me or do y’all see a feline pattern here, too?
7. As I mentioned before, Lacie has 3 kids. Her son chose to go live with his biological dad about 1-2 years ago. Her daughters, age 12 and 13, presently reside with her. For Christmas (which was delayed until she got her welfare check the 1st of Jan), she got both girls a cellphone that you load with minutes. Each girl got 130 minutes when their phones were activated on Jan. 2. Today is Jan. 5. Both girls have used all of their minutes as of yesterday. I wonder if they are calling 911 a lot?
8. Lacie has been having visions of her mother who died 3 years ago. These only occur when she’s sleeping. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that they are called dreams. In the visions, her mother is assuring her of the love of Mr. Drake, and, of his unquestionable faithfulness . Maybe, I’m too cynical, but I get the feeling that Mr. Drake is disguising his voice as a woman and talking in her ear when she is sleeping. Call me crazy but…..
9. And, finally, in the Saga of Mrs. Drake, there is one more thing. This probably should be 8b and connected to the last paragraph but a #9 is more impressive and makes the post longer. Mr. Drake’s brother is trying to “put the moves” (her words) on Lacie. Seems he thinks that she “has money” (her words, again). I suppose if you are a broke-ass, lazy dude with no future, those welfare and SSI checks seem almost Trumpish.
10. I’m sure that I’ll remember more of the conversation after I post this. If that is the case, I’ll be back!
There you have it…..the latest chapter of the RL Redneck Wedding Saga of The Drakes. And, I still cross my fingers-hope to die-stick a needle in my eye swear that this is all true.
I do soooo love my family. Life is not boring ’round here!!!!!
After I posted this last nite, I remembered a Lacie incident that made me laugh so hard that I thought I was gonna need surgery for a split sides.
When Lacie had her first child, a son, I went to the hospital to visit. Of course, I went bearing gifts for the newborn baby. I had bought several items and put them in a gift bag. As I’ve stated before, Lacie lives in Laciland in all her naiive glory. Upon taking each item from the bag, she would squeal an thank me profusely. Lacie is a grateful gift receiver. That is one quality that some of us should copy from her. After retreiving a bib, Lacie looked seriously baffled. I questioned her silence and the perplexed facial expressions.
“Lacie”, I said. “What’s the matter? Don’t you like that bib?”
And, just as serious as possible, she replied, “Yes, I do. But, it says on it to keep away from children. How am I suppose to use it on my baby?”
I reached out and she handed me the bib. Sure enough, on the plastic covering was written, “Keep away from children. Dangers of suffocation”. I said, “Don’t worry, Lacie. I’ll fix that!” whereupon, I removed the plastic covering. With a big smile, she said, “THANKS!”
(what were you dirty minds thinking? haha) Of course the #2 method would be for his partner to make sure she has her teeth in…or not “wink wink”
Bob looks creepy. Bob looks like he might drive a Good Humor ice cream truck and ring the bell a hellova lot.
<<<<<<<<<The actual pants.
AND….I will tag all my posts with the word “SEX” even if they are about church.
…..AND NAKED MAN>>>
The” I’m Gonna Beat Yo’ Ass, Al, ‘Fro 
The”Back On The Market”
The “I’ma LAWYER…Oh YES I AM” look.
To hell with muscular gay men! I’ve got me a little, white, skinny honey now.
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