I’ll Plead Insanity…..

This is a post that I wrote in a forum a while back. I do not write  there any longer and am moving some posts to this blog.

Also, I’m having a problem with my keyboard. If te letters h,u,t,i,g,n, l or b are left out of a word, fil tem in for yourself. I tried to correct tem al but fially gave up.

. You can’t see me!!!!!

 

The last 48 hours have been pure hell. Insomnia not only rearing it’s ugly head…..I think it’s about to eat me alive. Nerves feeliglike rubber bands being stretched to the break point. My whole body system seems to be singing a song called, “Kill me now and get this show on the road.” LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS of stress, which is aggravating my fybro and arthritis. I’ve take an insane amount of Motrin, Alleve, and Tylenol. Probably have major stomach rot by now.(Or, is that my belly button that I smell?……DOES YOUR BELLY BUTTON STINK? HeeHee…can’t pass up a chance to pimp another post. Actually, the 2nd most read post since I started my blog. Some of the comments are unbelievable).

TrailerparkKen has not been feeling well for some time. But, he refuses to go see a doctor. Why are men like that? Women, on the other hand, will go to find out what is wrong.. And, eventhough, I biotch about him a LOT in my blog, I am still concerned about his well-beig.. His blood pressure is 230/139….stroke area. I could not get him to go to the doc last night. He went today but his doctor was not there so he just turned around and came home. He refused to see the phys. assistant. One of the corners of his eye is blood red.
Now, keep in mind, we live out in the booger woods. If something should happen, it would take 911 the better part of a week to find us.

So, strung out like a junkie in withdrawal, I stayed awake last night almost all night. At 3 oclock this morning, I saw a car headlights in my driveway. The driveway is severalhundred feet long. Probably more than that. I’m not good at measurements. Never have been since I found out that there is a major discrecpacy between what a man consider 6 inches to me and what a woman KNOWS six inches is.  Anyway the car pulls up pretty close to the house with the headlights glaring into my dark/lights off  kitchen.
My first instinct is to go wake TPKen. But, then common sense took over and I realized that a sudden, abrupt awakening might cause something bad to happen to him. So, I realize that I’m on my own and it’s up to me to guard “my castle”.

 I crept up to the window and took a hiding place behind a ficus tree. I watch for a few minutes trying to figure out who  has coming calling at 3 in the morning. My mind is racing…..”fight or flee” reactions kicks in. I run into the bedroom to get the gun only to discover that TPK has removed the smaller Lady Smith and Wesson that I usually keep handy. It’s a very nice size 38 with “girly designs” and pearl inlay on the handle. Cute but deadly. In it’s place, he has laid his humongous handgun that has a 12 inch barrell. It’s a speical edition and it’s shell cost 5 bucks each. That gun is so heavy that an old west gunslinger would look like the Hunchback of NotreDame is he had it in his belt holster. This gun caused quite an argument between myself and TPKwhen he purchased it. I mean….why would you need a gun so heavy that you’d almost have to prop it up on a stool to even fire it. That is one damn heavy piece of metal and it was hard for me to even try to aim it. Well, at least he finally came to his senses about the $7,000 armour piercing monster gun that he had planned to buy. I think he realized that a judge would findthat grounds for D-I-V-O-R-C-E even in this gun crazy, redneck state.

S0, after pausing for just a sec, I know that if I’m gonna need a weapon, it’s gonna have to be that big-ass gun that was laying where my pretty, little S&W should have been.

Here I was….taking cover behind a fake fiscs tree and using all my arm and shoulder strength to hold that gigantic gun. I’m  begining to have serious doubts whether I can even aim and shoot it in the right direction. But, being a big, ol redneck woman (and proud member of the NRA), I knew that I had to do what I had to do. So, keeping the lights off so as not to be an easy target for the gangsta outside), stumbled up the hall and found the phone…..ready to call 911 if necessary.

I took my position behind the ficus again and started watching. The car had not moved. I was sitting in the same spot. So, I started watching again to see if anybody got out. The headlights were still on and the motor was running. I decided to creep across to the front door and peep out. My front door is one of those with frosted glass that has a few clear “peepholes”. When I got in my ready to stop, drop and shoot position there, I looked out and saw that the car and turned around and was heading out. I caught myself breathing a big sigh of relief.

 BUT, then the car stopped at the end of the driveway. So, I caught myself totally tensing up again. A few minutes later it drove off. This morning, TPK went out to get the newspaper. Turns out that it was the newspaper man (at 3 in the  morning) pullig up our paper box and moving it out to the end of the road……which totally enraged TPK. They have been feuding about the location of the paper box for a few days now.

What bothers me is that I have been so edgy and ready to fight, that I could have honestly shot the paper guy. But for the grace of God, I am here writing this tonight instead of in the “big house”.

When I start getting really stressed, I start getting really angry. I find myself looking for a fight from just about anyone over anything. This is one of the most dangerous phases of my BP. Out of medicine and not have a pdoc appt for 9 weeks I decided that I had to do something PDQ. Andwith tail tucked between my legs, I visited a local “Express Care” office right now the road from me. I was straight up and frank with the doc. I told her that I was at the breaking point and needed help and need it immediately. I told her that if she refused to prescribe me something for pain, stress, andsleep, that I was going to go find some street drugs. And I was damn dead serious.  And, I began to cry.

The last time that I got to a breaking point like this, it triggered one of the worst manic periods that I had in years. ple. This was the manic period when I came to a dead stop in the middle of the road because a two-toothed, shot gun racked, 4X 4 four wheel truck driving redneck was following me too close. I threated to kick his ass…..all 5’2″ of me up against his 6′plus frame. Could have gotten into some serious shit there until HE actually back down. Must have been smart enough underneath that skullet to know that he was dealing with a  deranged woman.

 I was slightly apprehensive that she would just think that I was a doctor shopper for drugs. But, she turned out to be very sympathetic. I got some arthritis med, some Xanax, and 12 Ambien. So, right now, I am in a thankfully pleasantly sedated

The bad part about that is that I have been trying to wean myself off all psych drugs for a few months now. This is a major setback to that. But, at least I won’t be in the pokey trading ciggies for half eaten balogna sandwiches with a skullet-wearig butch named Teensey

 So….at this point in time, I’ll feed the sweet, siren song of the drugs. Otherwise, I might have to hone a insanity defense, which would probaly be totally true.

****This post was originally written about 3 yrs ago. No big emotional flare-ups since. Only bouts of depression ranging from mild to almost “ready to go see Mama”.

You, Too, Can Manage Your Anger!….

I’m pretty easy going really. I haven’t always been,though.

I used to be one hellova redneck woman who was ready to fight anybody anytime anywhere. It took me years of self examination (and psych examination) to realize that a constant stew of anger and rage only hurts me.  Revenge is best left to Chuck Norris in a kickass movie. Plotting the torment or demise of somebody who has wronged you really eats up too much time and energy. Not saying that I don’t have my moments, though. I’ve just found ways of dealing with them that will not put me in the big-house trading ciggies for protection from  a butch girlfriend named Bertie. The last time that I got really, really pissed off was at a guy in a pickup truck who was tailgating me on a narrow, winding road. He had gun racks. He was big and bald. I stopped my car in the middle of the road, got out, and went back and screamed at him to get off my ass. Luckily, he did. He probably thought that I was a seriously dangerous demented woman. Later in the day, I had this thought….”OMG! What if HE was a seriously dangerous demented man? He could have taken me out with one good punch!”. That’s when I decided to change from a confrontional redneck woman to a sneaky get-the-last-laugh redneck woman.

So, I don’t go around with thoughts of punching this one or that one in the throat anymore.

Don’t get me wrong, though. I’m still no saint.

 I’ve just developed a few less-harmful (and less likely to be arrested) ways of coping.

Feel free to adapt them to your own angry situations:

1. Glitter….glitter is a very effective method of venting anger/getting revenge.

Go to the dollar store/Wally World and buy a package that contains several small vials of different colored glitter. Keep it in your purse, pocket, or anywhere else that is handy and easy to get to. When someone pisses you off, take out the glitter. Wait until they turn their back and pour some in your hand. Then gently blow it onto the back of their hair. They will be walking around the rest of the day looking like the backside of a glitter fairy. Hopefully, no one will be brave enough to tell them that they have glittered hair for fear of thinking that they wanted glitter hair. Even if they are told, you can sit and laugh to yourself for a long time to come picturing them trying to remove the glitter.

Glitter is, also, useful, in mail. Being sick and tired of all those credit applications that I receive in the mail prompted me one day to come up with this idea…..pour a little glitter into the enveolope, stick the credit ap in and mail it back. I still have the picture of that enveloped being opened and glitter spilling out onto all of the other applications on a desk. But, my fav glitter revenge was done at a doctor’s office. The doc was an arrogant, dismissive ahole. After he left the room for me to get dressed, I opened one of his drawers and blew a little glittery happiness onto his script pad, stethoscope, and various other items. It didn’t hurt too bad paying his outlandish office fee after that. I spent the rest of the day hoping that he had to use one of those items that day.

2. Sign ‘em up for something……after a very long time of putting up with my husband’s first wife’s demands and crap, I really wanted to stick her head in a freezer door and slam the door a few dozen times. But, I did not. Instead, I started signing her up for magazines (ex. Adam and Eve adult product mag).  It wasn’t until years later when Trailerparkskipper was getting married and her soon-to-be-hubby’s friend signed her up at my address to receive this same item that I realized exactly what I had done. Have you ever tried to get off of their list? You can throw that brown wrappered mag away all you like but eventually, you have to open it in order to find out how to get off of their damn mailing list. At least, the ex got her mail delivered to the privacy of her home and didn’t have to pick it up at a local post office. It’s not easy going in to buy stamps after retrieving a plain brown wrapper from your post office box. Nor, is it amusing to run into your pastor, neighbors, or local dirty ol’ man while carrying this item out of the post office. I didn’t dare throw it away with my name on it!

I, also, pledged money in her name to a local telethon. Our town is not all that big. Almost everybody recognizes the names that are read out loud to give recognition to the genrous pledgers. And, you get a reminder (and a second, third and fourth reminder) to back up your pledge with moolah. I figured that the worst thing that could possibly come out of this would be that the charity would get a donation.

3. Loudly pray for them….in their presence…….if you are confronted with someone who curses you, takes your parking space, or does any other purposeful act to you in public, just start praying as loud as you can for the strength to forgive them. I guarantee you that this will either prod them into an apology or scare them away from you really fast. Yes, I have done this one, too.

 

4. Refer them to telemarketers/Jevhovah’s Witness/kids selling school stuff, etc…..y’all know how annoying telemarketers can be once you land on their list, right? Y’all, also, know how persistant Jehovah’s witnesses, door to door sales (including school kids, foreign exchange students selling books, etc) are, too, Here is a neat way to get them to quit bothering you and get your lil piece of revenge at the same time. But, this only works on people in your neighborhood who have wronged you. Just tell the person who has come to your door that you are very busy taking care of a sick child, a vomiting dog, a fire in your kitchen, etc. and you do not have the time to buy/listen/sign-up, etc. BUT you do know for a fact that the family/person across the street/down the block/that lives behind (or in front) of you was just mentioning that very morning how much they wish that someone would come by selling/preaching/soliticing signatures, etc. They will practically run from your house in the direction of the address that you gave them. For a little extra pazzazz, tell them the person is hard of hearing and that will have to talk really LOUDLY. Yes, I have done this one but not for revenge but as a prank. I don’t know if this is a local thing or if y’all have this……we have a couple of local companies that run “meat trucks”. Refrigerated trucks that they sell meat out of which I do not recommend buying. Just about a month ago, a young man came to my door trying to do his very best to interest me into buying some “mighty good” steaks. I didn’t hear much after the first few words because the stream of snot running down his nose that he kept swiping at with his shirt sleeve distracted me. I excused myself from the conversation, went into the kitchen, and grabbed him a paper towel. I handed it to him, told him that I was a vegan, and sent him on his way to one of my neighbor’s houses. I assured him that they were big-time meat consumers. When I ran into her later, I asked if the “meat wagon” had come by and she said that she had a really hard time getting rid of him because someone had told him that her family just loved meat. I told her did not tell her that it was me because she is really redneck and probably could whoop my ass without breaking a sweat.

I started this post two days ago. Since then, I have had a pissed off situation.

As I have confessed to y’all before, I am a compulsive shopper/hoarder. Actually, I can proudly say that I no longer fit the true description of a hoarder. I no longer have a desire to keep all of the stuff that I buy. These days, I don’t mind donating the huge packages of Depends, the size 2 jeans, or the case of yams with exprired dates to needy causes.  BUT, I do still feel compulsed to shop for things that I have no use for at all. There is a local store that has a bag sale about once a month…..all you can fit into a bag for just 15 dollars. About 99 percent of the time, I buy stuff that I use or can sale on eBay. Yesterday, they had a bag sale and I was there waiting in line with  my friendsthe other compulsive shoppers (women that I know only thru the bag sales). As soon as the door opened, I headed to a 3 tiered wire bin that had hand painted bracelets, earrings, and other jewelry intending to grab a few handfuls. I ran into a problem in the form of a very rude lady that I had run-ins with before. She is a grabber. A grabber is a person who literally grabs anything and everything and stuffs it into their buggy for later inspection before paying. . She was blocking my way.

I said, “Excuse me. I just want to reach around you and get a couple of those bracelets for my daughters.”

She didn’t budge one inch. Louder, I said, “EXCUSE ME! Could you move over just a couple of inches?”

She said…..OMG! I’m still fuming about this….she said, “WHEN I’M DONE. I’LL MOVE!”

It was apparent that she was not going to be done until she had snagged everything out of the wire bins.

And, this pissed me off! I said, “You are the rudest damn person that I have ever met!”

She didn’t even look at me or answer. What a ahole GRABBER.

So, I decided that while she wasn’t looking, I would take stuff out of her buggy and put it in mine. But then, I figured that it would be better if I took stuff out of her buggy and put it elsewhere in the store. And, I did. When GRABBER had totally emptied the bin (except for some broken crap), she turned around to her buggy and saw….hahahha….it was practically empty. Meanwhile, I was busy loading up on socks a few feet away. She came over to my buggy expecting to find her stuff but I didn’t have it. Yes, I know that this is childish. But, damn, it felt good.

I’m sure that I will have run-ins with Grabber again. And, I’m plotting ahead. I think a stickpin in the ass might make her move next time.

For All The Men Who Want Younger Women

……like Geraldo Riviera who keeps trading for newer models. He gets a piece of shitcake…… And, I hope he gets the Mystery Icing all in his moustache This post is not about GR but everytime that I see him…..grrrrrrrrr. How old is his present wife….like 16 or 17′? OK…on to what I meant to post. It’s just a silly joke that I got in my email today. But, I thought the women might get a kick out of it.

 

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

 

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table saying,  

 

‘For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.’ 

 

Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.  

The fairy waved her magic wand and – poof! two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands. 

 

The husband’ thought for a moment: ‘Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.’   

  

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

 

So the fairy waved her magic wand and – poof!

 

 

the husband became 92 years old.

 

 

The moral of this story:

Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember

fairies are female

 

 

 

 

 

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Awwwwww—-The Sweet Taste of Revenge

I love to get revenge. Now, don’t get me wrong. I would never really hurt someone physcially or damage their character.

No, my acts of revenge are pretty tame. Just enough to satisfy my bloodlust.

One of my best ways to get revenge is through the use of sprinkles/glitter. Glitter is a really hard thing to get out of your hair or off of your clothes. I use to carry a couple of tubes in my purse….just in case. But, what I actually ended up doing most of the time with the glitter was putting it in the envelope with my payment to somebody. I would only put it in envelopes of people or businesses who had given me a hard time or really pissed me off.

BUT, my most enjoyable times with mailing glitter was when I would get junk mail….lots of junk mail. I would open the junk mail and switch the contents. Pour in a about 1/2 teaspoon of glitter. Mostly those damn credit card companies that won’t leave ya alone. They come with a pre-paid envelope so this was not only fun, it was free.

My husband’s ex-wife use to drive me nuts. Seriously, I think that I could have strangled her. It would take too long to go into details about all that. But, believe me, what I did to her, she definitely deserved it

.Since, she annoyed me at the least every couple of weeks, I would get sweet secret revenge on her by doing the following things.

. I pledge money to tv telethons in her name. I signed up to get material from an “adult sex store” in her name. Of course, I used her address for all of this.When telemarketers would call here, I’d tell them that I was just visiting and offer to give them my home number since I was just then leaving to go home. And, but of course, I gave them her number!

She finally moved away. I was relieved but also missed my secret fun.

One of my best revenges was on a doctor who was rude and thought he was God. After he left the room, I put some glitter in a couple of drawers. Then I took his stethoscope outside, glittered it up and threw it right in front of his office into some ice covered bushes. The jerk deserved it. I would have loved to have seen his face when he found it. Teach that asshat to be nicer to patients!

I’ve got more but am going to bed…..and dream sweet dreams of revenge.