Not My Usual “Insert Word” Self Today….

I feel like a big pile of cold dog shit today.

It’s my anniversary. Nobody remembered. Not even TPKen, but then if he did, they’d have to bring in the electric paddle thingys to bring me back to life. He hasn’t remembered in a long time.

I’m at a crossroads in my life. I need CHANGE! I’ve really had enough of living in this unfinished house in the boogerwoods. No neighbors. Of course, that is a plus sometimes. I’m thinking of getting an apartment and just visiting here once a week. 

Like I said. I’m in a sucky mood.

I tried to do a poll with polldaddy. I made the poll but couldn’t figure out how to get it in this post. Yeah, once again, I suck today.

So, here’s the poll and the answers. Choose one.

a. funny, creative

b. sarcastic, mean

c.caring, kind

d.biker chick/hooker

e. a word or two of your choosing

After, you decide which one, reply and tell me.

Then, tell me the funniest joke that you’ve ever heard, Or, tell me a big fat secret of your own. I could stand to hear some  trashing of somebody or something, too.

This is YOUR CHANCE to help out a down-in-the-dumps-feeling-useless-sorry-for-myself  redenck, white trash blogger (who doesn’t feel like blogging about a damn thing today. Who knows…you might inspire me!)

I’ll be sitting here waiting. Probably having a drinky-poo or six while I wait.

Unattached Men…This Post Is Especially For You!

 

Well, you ladies might want to read it , too. You may be able to finally rid yourself of Uncle Charlie and his best friend, Roland, from showing up on Christmas morning while you are in the middle of opening gifts. No more buying extra tins of popcorn just in case they show up again. No more of your little ones asking why Charlie and Roland smell funny (from the heavy drinking/puking done the night before). No more trying to be polite while on the verge of a murderous rage watching Roland burn holes in your sofa with his constant chainsmoking.

Like the time, he dropped a fat, cheap cigar on your beautiful brand new Kate Spade purse, wherein the cigar rolled down into the front pocket of the purse and caused the smoke alarm to go off after the entire fornt of the purse had been destroyed not to mention the matching Kate Spade wallet inside and…..oh, silly me. That’s just a scenario. Made-up, never happened to me….grrrrr. Or, how ’bout your homeless brother who now lives in a RV with his really old mean dog never having anywhere to go so like a complete patsy/idiot, you go and invite him and he won’t come unless he can bring his dog. And, you, be the wonderfully, kind-hearted person that you are (after all it is Christmas) agree to let the dog come ,too. Then, the dog, who hasn’t been groomed since it was around 6 months old and is really shaggy, does the Toby trick on your freshly shampooed area rug. What’s the Toby trick, you say. See below….

 

 

 

Not that this has ever happened to me……grrrrrr.  Of course not. My house is just like a Christmas movie on Christmas morning. Admittedly, it would be the Griswald’s Christmas movie. And, the squirrel thing did happen one year ‘cept it was a bat. Faithful blogging friends will remember that from last year.

Alright, back to the original intent. Following is a TBP public service for all you lonely guys. Here are Gabe & Max with some tips on hygiene and how to look Borat-sexy,not to mention smelling strong wonderful. After following their advice, you should have no problem picking up a nice lady, attractive girl somewhat desperate person to spend the holidays with. Pay attention, take notes, follow their advice!!!!!!

****************************************************************************************

A Public Service for all you lonley guys!

Dudes, the holiday season is here. This means parties, shopping in crowded malls, watching the local production of either the Nutcracker or Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer (depending on where you live. Our local theater does the latter) and other festivities involving mingling of the sexes.

Year after year, you’re out trolling for babes. You spend time hoping that Santa will deliver a Hooter’s girl or some other type of lucy-goosey funpal. Instead, you wake up on Christmas morning with a deflated blow-up Trixie…..

Too many of you have no luck and spend your holiday hangingout at your gramma and grampa’s (or sister’s) place scarfing down homemade goodies. Dec 26 comes along to find you alone and even worse, bloated from too many rum/peanut butter balls and gingerbread men.Trixie is deflated permanently this time (WTF did you do to her?).

So, sit down and let Gabe and Max help you become a somewhat (at least more than you are now) desirable man.

 

 

 

 

WARNING….LISTEN UP HERE. THIS IS IMPORTANT!!!!!

TO ALL YOU REDNECK COON HUNTERS, DEER HUNTERS, SQUIRREL HUNTERS,BOAR HUNTERS, SNAKE CATCHERS, OR ANY OTHER TYPE OF ANIMAL HUNTER.:

DEER URINE SCENT, RACOON ATTRACTOR SCENT, OR ANY OTHER ANIMAL-SCENTS-IN-A-BOTTLE FROM WALMART OR A SPORTING GOODS STORE CANNOT BE SUBSITUTED FOR SPLASH-ON COLOGNE OR BODY SPRAY!!!!!

IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE THAT, JUST GO AHEAD AND PAT A LITTLE DEER URINE BEHIND YOUR EARS. BUT, DON’T BE SURPRISED TO FIND YOURSELF FOLLOWED AROUND BY A COUPLE OF WINOS WHO HAVE BEEN LAYING IN THEIR OWN PISS OR BY DEPENDS WEARING GRANNIES.

Wishing you a lucky holiday season!!!!

Men Vs. Women

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE


NICKNAMES

• If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
• If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

• When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
• When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

• A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
• A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.

BATHROOMS

• A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
• The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

• A woman has the last word in any argument.
• Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
• A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE

• A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
• A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

• A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
• A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

• Men wake up as looking as they went to bed.
• Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

• Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
• A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house

For All The Men Who Want Younger Women

……like Geraldo Riviera who keeps trading for newer models. He gets a piece of shitcake…… And, I hope he gets the Mystery Icing all in his moustache This post is not about GR but everytime that I see him…..grrrrrrrrr. How old is his present wife….like 16 or 17′? OK…on to what I meant to post. It’s just a silly joke that I got in my email today. But, I thought the women might get a kick out of it.

 

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

 

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table saying,  

 

‘For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.’ 

 

Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.  

The fairy waved her magic wand and – poof! two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands. 

 

The husband’ thought for a moment: ‘Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.’   

  

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

 

So the fairy waved her magic wand and – poof!

 

 

the husband became 92 years old.

 

 

The moral of this story:

Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember

fairies are female

 

 

 

 

 

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Let’s Play…..Trade A Family Member!

In case you haven’t been reading my blog, I’ve come up with some great ideas lately. Of course, in a manic phase, everything seems like a great idea. But, this might be the best ever!!!!!

Might be a great idea for a new reality show, too.

LET’S TRADE RELATIVES FOR A WEEK! NOT JUST ANY RELATIVE….. YOUR “I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON IS MY BROTHER/SISTER/MOTHER/FATHER/COUSIN, ETC.” RELATIVE!!!!!.

We each get to choose the one relative that we simply cannot take any longer and trade off for a full week! The prize…..the family that breaks down first, of course, is the loser. And, the winner gets to send their relative back….PLUS….the losing family, also, has to keep your relative for another month!!!!!!!!!

My offer this week is

A untreated bipolar brother who comes with…

1. A serious case of “feeling sorry for himself”.

2. Many, many ideas of grandour.

3. A constant need to ask for help (money, transportation, material items such as shoes, food, etc.) As a bonus, you will be the talk of the neighborhood since he has a tendency to take your help and talk about you like shit behind your back for not giving him more. He comes complete with a mangy dog that he considers his “baby”. Dog must be part of the deal.

4. Many, many great stories of living in Alaska and being buried under 10 feet of snow, wrestling a bear, being in a Mexican jail, and more. Although, these fantastic adventure stores all took place in his imagination, he can tell them very convincingly. Also, have true stories of living in a tent on federal property, living in a van down my the river, living in an abandoned church, living in a car wash (which is his present abode) and more, more, more!!!!!

5. A cigarette smoke who smokes “OP’s” (other peoples).

6. A man of great silence. Translation: His downward mood swings result in completely ignoring you or anyone else.

7. A man of great conversation……this can be a bonus to those of you who are shy as you will never have to talk about yourself. He will spends hours on end talking about himself and his adventures. (I can guarantee this!).

8. A man from which you can learn fantastic life skills…..ex. How to never have to take the blame for anything in your life. Be sure and take nots during his “speeches”! My friends, you will learn so many excuses that your head will spin.

9. A man of religion. As a self professed preacher of (his version) of the gospel ,he can teach you everything in the Bible that can support your actions and thoughts. This is a big bonus. You don’t have to learn/read the whole Bible….just the parts that justify things that you do.

10. BIG BONUS….a relationship expert. Being married 4 times, not knowing where his kids or grandkids are, alienation of large groups of people…….this man is well equipped to help you (if you have a desire to start anew again….and again….and again).

So, that’s my offer for trade. If any of you are interested, please post your info, going into as much detail as possible. If we can get enough people in on this fantastic idea, I’m sure it could prove to be an educational experience for all inolved.

Disclaimer…Owner of blog is not responsible for any

1.legal fees incurred during trade

2. financial loss(money, property, grocery bill, etc)

3.mental health expenses resulting from traumatic experiences

4.ER or other medicals expenses (such as surgeon to remove your foot from his ass, etc.)

5.vet bills (to bathe dog, get rid of fleas, etc.)

Here is his actual picture. Please do not let it scare you off. He actually doesn’t look like this. OK….to be honest, he does. Oh, yeah, he will come to you in a “ripe” condition since the car wash office has no shower. I may be able to convince him to go thru the car wash himself first.

I Sucked Up My K and L

and that was the icing on the shit cake for today.

It started at 4 am this morning. I woke up to the sound of really strong winds. I got up to look outside. Didn’t really see anything but the trees swaying. Then I couldn’t go back to sleep. So, I plopped down on the couch and did some channel surfing. I finally dozed off and awoke around 6am to the words, “What will he do? Fold? Or, keep his poker face on.” World Series of Poker or something along those lines. I was still so tired and didn’t feel like budging one single inch. Looked for the remote and couldn’t find it. Damn! I didn’t want to watch poker playing on TV. I love playing poker but am not into watching someone else. I wanted to change channels but could not find that friggin’ remote and did not have the energy to walk the 10 or so feet to the television. After watching poker for much longer than I needed, I felt something under my butt. Yep….the remote. By this time, I was wide awake and didn’t need it.

Later in the morning, my daughter (who is therapy) decided to call me up and list all the things that I had ever done wrong as a mother. Her therapist follows the “blame everything on your mother” school of thought. Not a pleasant call. It ended with both of us hanging up on each other. The problem with this is I am not sure who hung up on whom the first. Dammit!!!!! Being cast as the “hung-up-ee” is not good. It gives the “hung-up-er” the upper hand. So, I’m not sure which one of us are the “ee” and which one is the “er”. That stinks.

Anger and frustration spurs me into some type of action. This day is was a manic cleaning of my house. I had the vacuum cleaner and was doing some serious vacuuming. I saw dust between my computer keys and decided to Hoover all the keys. Almost instantly, the cleaner sucked up the K and L keys. Oh shit!!! Now what? I did the only thing that I could do. I opened up the vacuum and dug through all the crap until I saw those black keys among it. I picked the keys out and rinsed them off. Now, to put them back on the keyboard. Sounded easy enough. But….of course, it was not. Those keys have a specific way to fit in the keyboard. I spent around an hour playing computer tech. until I finally found the right combo. It was like working a puzzle. I got them back on and was strutting like a 80 pound supermodel on a catwalk. “Oh yeah…I’m the woman! I AM woman! Hear me roar! I can do any………”.

Uh oh….what’s that white piece laying beside my keyboard. Hmmmm….same shap as keys. It must be part of one of the keys. What to do? Take the keys back off and start over? No effing way! It’s still laying beside this keyboard and so far K and L are working just fine.

Time for dinner. I made spaghetti. Homemade meatballs….yum. While draining the spaghetti, the phone rang. For some reason, it startled me badly and I accidentally tipped the drainer. All the spaghetti was now in the dirty sink. By this time, I was ready to break down and let the tears flow. Then, it hit me. I just scooped up the spagetti and stuck it back in the drainer. Those coffee grounds, molded donuts, etc. rinsed right off of it. Voila!!!!!

During supper, it became evident that I had not rinsed well enough Hubby asked me what the blue piece thingy (gummy bear ) was. I told him that it was just a new seasoning!

Devious minds think fast!!!!!

Tomorrow has got to be better.