Not My Usual “Insert Word” Self Today….

I feel like a big pile of cold dog shit today.

It’s my anniversary. Nobody remembered. Not even TPKen, but then if he did, they’d have to bring in the electric paddle thingys to bring me back to life. He hasn’t remembered in a long time.

I’m at a crossroads in my life. I need CHANGE! I’ve really had enough of living in this unfinished house in the boogerwoods. No neighbors. Of course, that is a plus sometimes. I’m thinking of getting an apartment and just visiting here once a week. 

Like I said. I’m in a sucky mood.

I tried to do a poll with polldaddy. I made the poll but couldn’t figure out how to get it in this post. Yeah, once again, I suck today.

So, here’s the poll and the answers. Choose one.

a. funny, creative

b. sarcastic, mean

c.caring, kind

d.biker chick/hooker

e. a word or two of your choosing

After, you decide which one, reply and tell me.

Then, tell me the funniest joke that you’ve ever heard, Or, tell me a big fat secret of your own. I could stand to hear some  trashing of somebody or something, too.

This is YOUR CHANCE to help out a down-in-the-dumps-feeling-useless-sorry-for-myself  redenck, white trash blogger (who doesn’t feel like blogging about a damn thing today. Who knows…you might inspire me!)

I’ll be sitting here waiting. Probably having a drinky-poo or six while I wait.

I’ll Plead Insanity…..

This is a post that I wrote in a forum a while back. I do not write  there any longer and am moving some posts to this blog.

Also, I’m having a problem with my keyboard. If te letters h,u,t,i,g,n, l or b are left out of a word, fil tem in for yourself. I tried to correct tem al but fially gave up.

. You can’t see me!!!!!

 

The last 48 hours have been pure hell. Insomnia not only rearing it’s ugly head…..I think it’s about to eat me alive. Nerves feeliglike rubber bands being stretched to the break point. My whole body system seems to be singing a song called, “Kill me now and get this show on the road.” LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS of stress, which is aggravating my fybro and arthritis. I’ve take an insane amount of Motrin, Alleve, and Tylenol. Probably have major stomach rot by now.(Or, is that my belly button that I smell?……DOES YOUR BELLY BUTTON STINK? HeeHee…can’t pass up a chance to pimp another post. Actually, the 2nd most read post since I started my blog. Some of the comments are unbelievable).

TrailerparkKen has not been feeling well for some time. But, he refuses to go see a doctor. Why are men like that? Women, on the other hand, will go to find out what is wrong.. And, eventhough, I biotch about him a LOT in my blog, I am still concerned about his well-beig.. His blood pressure is 230/139….stroke area. I could not get him to go to the doc last night. He went today but his doctor was not there so he just turned around and came home. He refused to see the phys. assistant. One of the corners of his eye is blood red.
Now, keep in mind, we live out in the booger woods. If something should happen, it would take 911 the better part of a week to find us.

So, strung out like a junkie in withdrawal, I stayed awake last night almost all night. At 3 oclock this morning, I saw a car headlights in my driveway. The driveway is severalhundred feet long. Probably more than that. I’m not good at measurements. Never have been since I found out that there is a major discrecpacy between what a man consider 6 inches to me and what a woman KNOWS six inches is.  Anyway the car pulls up pretty close to the house with the headlights glaring into my dark/lights off  kitchen.
My first instinct is to go wake TPKen. But, then common sense took over and I realized that a sudden, abrupt awakening might cause something bad to happen to him. So, I realize that I’m on my own and it’s up to me to guard “my castle”.

 I crept up to the window and took a hiding place behind a ficus tree. I watch for a few minutes trying to figure out who  has coming calling at 3 in the morning. My mind is racing…..”fight or flee” reactions kicks in. I run into the bedroom to get the gun only to discover that TPK has removed the smaller Lady Smith and Wesson that I usually keep handy. It’s a very nice size 38 with “girly designs” and pearl inlay on the handle. Cute but deadly. In it’s place, he has laid his humongous handgun that has a 12 inch barrell. It’s a speical edition and it’s shell cost 5 bucks each. That gun is so heavy that an old west gunslinger would look like the Hunchback of NotreDame is he had it in his belt holster. This gun caused quite an argument between myself and TPKwhen he purchased it. I mean….why would you need a gun so heavy that you’d almost have to prop it up on a stool to even fire it. That is one damn heavy piece of metal and it was hard for me to even try to aim it. Well, at least he finally came to his senses about the $7,000 armour piercing monster gun that he had planned to buy. I think he realized that a judge would findthat grounds for D-I-V-O-R-C-E even in this gun crazy, redneck state.

S0, after pausing for just a sec, I know that if I’m gonna need a weapon, it’s gonna have to be that big-ass gun that was laying where my pretty, little S&W should have been.

Here I was….taking cover behind a fake fiscs tree and using all my arm and shoulder strength to hold that gigantic gun. I’m  begining to have serious doubts whether I can even aim and shoot it in the right direction. But, being a big, ol redneck woman (and proud member of the NRA), I knew that I had to do what I had to do. So, keeping the lights off so as not to be an easy target for the gangsta outside), stumbled up the hall and found the phone…..ready to call 911 if necessary.

I took my position behind the ficus again and started watching. The car had not moved. I was sitting in the same spot. So, I started watching again to see if anybody got out. The headlights were still on and the motor was running. I decided to creep across to the front door and peep out. My front door is one of those with frosted glass that has a few clear “peepholes”. When I got in my ready to stop, drop and shoot position there, I looked out and saw that the car and turned around and was heading out. I caught myself breathing a big sigh of relief.

 BUT, then the car stopped at the end of the driveway. So, I caught myself totally tensing up again. A few minutes later it drove off. This morning, TPK went out to get the newspaper. Turns out that it was the newspaper man (at 3 in the  morning) pullig up our paper box and moving it out to the end of the road……which totally enraged TPK. They have been feuding about the location of the paper box for a few days now.

What bothers me is that I have been so edgy and ready to fight, that I could have honestly shot the paper guy. But for the grace of God, I am here writing this tonight instead of in the “big house”.

When I start getting really stressed, I start getting really angry. I find myself looking for a fight from just about anyone over anything. This is one of the most dangerous phases of my BP. Out of medicine and not have a pdoc appt for 9 weeks I decided that I had to do something PDQ. Andwith tail tucked between my legs, I visited a local “Express Care” office right now the road from me. I was straight up and frank with the doc. I told her that I was at the breaking point and needed help and need it immediately. I told her that if she refused to prescribe me something for pain, stress, andsleep, that I was going to go find some street drugs. And I was damn dead serious.  And, I began to cry.

The last time that I got to a breaking point like this, it triggered one of the worst manic periods that I had in years. ple. This was the manic period when I came to a dead stop in the middle of the road because a two-toothed, shot gun racked, 4X 4 four wheel truck driving redneck was following me too close. I threated to kick his ass…..all 5’2″ of me up against his 6′plus frame. Could have gotten into some serious shit there until HE actually back down. Must have been smart enough underneath that skullet to know that he was dealing with a  deranged woman.

 I was slightly apprehensive that she would just think that I was a doctor shopper for drugs. But, she turned out to be very sympathetic. I got some arthritis med, some Xanax, and 12 Ambien. So, right now, I am in a thankfully pleasantly sedated

The bad part about that is that I have been trying to wean myself off all psych drugs for a few months now. This is a major setback to that. But, at least I won’t be in the pokey trading ciggies for half eaten balogna sandwiches with a skullet-wearig butch named Teensey

 So….at this point in time, I’ll feed the sweet, siren song of the drugs. Otherwise, I might have to hone a insanity defense, which would probaly be totally true.

****This post was originally written about 3 yrs ago. No big emotional flare-ups since. Only bouts of depression ranging from mild to almost “ready to go see Mama”.

Just Kill Me Now! Plus Alfie Not the Baby Daddy……

A few days ago, I was in Steak Escape to grab some lunch. It turned out to be crappy because they overcooked the meat to the point of eating leather. But, that’s neither here nor there as far as this post goes.

I was at the soda machine filling up one of those giganticbigass family size cups with Diet Coke when I heard, “Hey, I thought that was you! Girl, where ya been?”
I turned around and it was a girl that I had met several years ago. She worked at one of my favorite shopping in order to hoard the crap places and we just began talking whenever I went in (which was a helluva lot). Then, I worked at a jewelry store a couple of Christmas’ (to support my then habit of buying and giving away jewelry) and she became a regular customer.

Fern is a very intelligent, highly motivated college graduate who keeps seeming to hit brick walls when it comes to employment. She majored in business and computers and is now working at a low-bucks Sav-A-Lot grocery store. She admits that it might partly have to do with her poor choice in male friends, too. I hope that one day she’ll find a guy who will treat her well.

Fern has always enjoyed the better things in life despite her low or sometimes  total lack of income. Name brands, nice cars (nice Caddy), etc. So, it was not shocking to see her dressed to the nines and wearing lots of bling. I noticed a really cute red purse that she was carrying and was looking it over. As I turned it around, I said “What brand is this?”  She said,”Girl, what do you think? It’s Prada”.I love Fern to death but I think that purse was probably Parda…in other words FAKE. But, it was cute anyway.

Now, here is where it goes haywire. I have a terrible habit of imitating the speech habits….cadence, slang, etc. of whoever I’m talking with. Don’t mean to, just happens. Like another person has suddenly taken control of my vocal cords and mouth.

We’ve all had one (or in my case, many) of those moments when as soon as words leave your pie-hole, you wish with everything that was in you, you could suck ‘em back down? Well, that’s what happened.

Here’s what came out of my mouth when she said Prada:

“Niggah, pluuuuuuuzzzzzeeeee. Prada????”

OMG!!!! I don’t even know where that came from. It was like Wanda Sykes had hijacked my brain. Damn Sam in a Pepsi can!!!!!! WTF????? Here I am, whiter than a bleach alternative….German and Scotch ancestors…..we are talking TOTAL WHITEY here. More CRACKER than a box of Keebler’s saltines. I make Casper the Ghost look like he’s been lying in the hot Miami sun . And,  I swear I am not prejudice. Fern is one among many of my friends from different races and ethnicity. Fern looked at me like I had lost total control of my bowels and was taking a crap right  in the middle of The Steak Escape. It took both of us a minute to regain our composure. Slapmenowslapmenowslapmenowslapmenow!!!!!

I might also want to mention here that Fern could break me into, snapped like a twig in around 2 seconds time. She is a BEAST! I’m talking super-strong. Fern looks like a female version of Samuel L. Jackson. I’m always expecting to hear,

 “I’ve had it with these motherfuckin’ snakes on this motherfuckin’ plane!

Thank goodness, she knew that I am not racist or mean spirited. After an awkward 30 second silence, she (bless her heart) burst out laughing. She said, “Girl, you been listening to too much of that rap shit!”

I started to apologize but she stopped me and said that was the best laugh that she’d had in a while. Thank you, Fern, for your great sense of humor and especially for not considering kicking my ass right there in the Steak Escape.

So, today’s warm and freshly baked, warm and gooey shitcake goes to…..ME!

I just saw this and thought it was worth sharing…..

Sweet Deal: Teen Charged In Huge Candy Order

I can’t help wondering what he was going to do with all that candy?

By Associated Press

NBC 4

updated 3:15 p.m. ET, Tues., Feb. 10, 2009

MIDDLETOWN, Ohio – Police say an Ohio teenager tried to pull off a sweet deal, ordering more than $37,000 of candy online and charging it to his former high school.

Police say 18-year-old Jad Holmes used a purchasing number from Middletown High School to order thousands of lollipops and candy bars from Michigan-based The Goodies Factory. It wasn’t clear how he accessed the number.

The candy company became suspicious, contacted the school and was told by detectives to send an empty box.

Police say Holmes was arrested after the fake delivery to his home.

Holmes faces two counts of felony telecommunications fraud. He was being held in Middletown City Jail on more than $30,000 bond.

 

 

Also, speaking of dumb….

13 Year Old Daddy    That boy looks like he might have graduated to Pull Ups!

edited 2/19/09 I just saw on a cable news shows that Alfie, the 13 yr old is probably not the father of this baby. THANK GOODNESS! Seems that his 15 yr old sweetie was sleeping with 5 boys at the time that she conceived. One of the boys was Alfie’s older brother. Alfie’s and baby mama’s parents put their heads together and decided to name Alfie as the father. Why? Money, of course. They knew that pics of  pint-sized Alfie with the baby would bring money from the tabloids. They are real pieces of work! I feel sorry for the baby.

Unattached Men…This Post Is Especially For You!

 

Well, you ladies might want to read it , too. You may be able to finally rid yourself of Uncle Charlie and his best friend, Roland, from showing up on Christmas morning while you are in the middle of opening gifts. No more buying extra tins of popcorn just in case they show up again. No more of your little ones asking why Charlie and Roland smell funny (from the heavy drinking/puking done the night before). No more trying to be polite while on the verge of a murderous rage watching Roland burn holes in your sofa with his constant chainsmoking.

Like the time, he dropped a fat, cheap cigar on your beautiful brand new Kate Spade purse, wherein the cigar rolled down into the front pocket of the purse and caused the smoke alarm to go off after the entire fornt of the purse had been destroyed not to mention the matching Kate Spade wallet inside and…..oh, silly me. That’s just a scenario. Made-up, never happened to me….grrrrr. Or, how ’bout your homeless brother who now lives in a RV with his really old mean dog never having anywhere to go so like a complete patsy/idiot, you go and invite him and he won’t come unless he can bring his dog. And, you, be the wonderfully, kind-hearted person that you are (after all it is Christmas) agree to let the dog come ,too. Then, the dog, who hasn’t been groomed since it was around 6 months old and is really shaggy, does the Toby trick on your freshly shampooed area rug. What’s the Toby trick, you say. See below….

 

 

 

Not that this has ever happened to me……grrrrrr.  Of course not. My house is just like a Christmas movie on Christmas morning. Admittedly, it would be the Griswald’s Christmas movie. And, the squirrel thing did happen one year ‘cept it was a bat. Faithful blogging friends will remember that from last year.

Alright, back to the original intent. Following is a TBP public service for all you lonely guys. Here are Gabe & Max with some tips on hygiene and how to look Borat-sexy,not to mention smelling strong wonderful. After following their advice, you should have no problem picking up a nice lady, attractive girl somewhat desperate person to spend the holidays with. Pay attention, take notes, follow their advice!!!!!!

****************************************************************************************

A Public Service for all you lonley guys!

Dudes, the holiday season is here. This means parties, shopping in crowded malls, watching the local production of either the Nutcracker or Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer (depending on where you live. Our local theater does the latter) and other festivities involving mingling of the sexes.

Year after year, you’re out trolling for babes. You spend time hoping that Santa will deliver a Hooter’s girl or some other type of lucy-goosey funpal. Instead, you wake up on Christmas morning with a deflated blow-up Trixie…..

Too many of you have no luck and spend your holiday hangingout at your gramma and grampa’s (or sister’s) place scarfing down homemade goodies. Dec 26 comes along to find you alone and even worse, bloated from too many rum/peanut butter balls and gingerbread men.Trixie is deflated permanently this time (WTF did you do to her?).

So, sit down and let Gabe and Max help you become a somewhat (at least more than you are now) desirable man.

 

 

 

 

WARNING….LISTEN UP HERE. THIS IS IMPORTANT!!!!!

TO ALL YOU REDNECK COON HUNTERS, DEER HUNTERS, SQUIRREL HUNTERS,BOAR HUNTERS, SNAKE CATCHERS, OR ANY OTHER TYPE OF ANIMAL HUNTER.:

DEER URINE SCENT, RACOON ATTRACTOR SCENT, OR ANY OTHER ANIMAL-SCENTS-IN-A-BOTTLE FROM WALMART OR A SPORTING GOODS STORE CANNOT BE SUBSITUTED FOR SPLASH-ON COLOGNE OR BODY SPRAY!!!!!

IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE THAT, JUST GO AHEAD AND PAT A LITTLE DEER URINE BEHIND YOUR EARS. BUT, DON’T BE SURPRISED TO FIND YOURSELF FOLLOWED AROUND BY A COUPLE OF WINOS WHO HAVE BEEN LAYING IN THEIR OWN PISS OR BY DEPENDS WEARING GRANNIES.

Wishing you a lucky holiday season!!!!

Decorating for Halloween…White Trash Style

 

I love Halloween! WIth the economy in the toilet now, I’m been busy as a one-legged woman in an ass-kickin’ contest trying to come up with frugal yet fun ways to decorate.

If you are like me and cannot at this time afford to go to Big Ruby’s Happy Hollidays Deco Store, then here are some great ideas that I’ve come up. I’ve found stuff around my house that I can use and thus, not spend a penny on store-bought decorations. I have become a regular White Trash Trailerpark dwellin’ Martha Stewart.

Feel free to steal any of these ideas.

Got kids? Grandkids? Any kids around? Head to their toy box. I found some really useful things in my friend’s little girl’s toy chest.

HANGIN ELMO

 SCARY!!!!Don’t have an Elmo? No problem! This is even scarier if you have a Baby Alive or American Girl doll. Use your imagination and hang up something unusual

 

.Got 2 or more Elmos? Here’s another great idea…..

 

I know what y’all are saying right now. That’s just too damn scary. So, if you think Removing Elmo’s Head is too frightening for your guest, you may choose just to remove Elmo’s hand. Not as scary but still gives goosebumps.

 

While rummaging around in the Little Tykes toy box, I came up with another super-dooper-guaranteed- to -bring- screams idea…..UNHOLY DOLLIESAll that you need for these heart-attack-inducing dolls are any kind of doll (baby dolls are the best, though) white chalk, and a black magic marker. If you are really creative, you may, also, use some catsup and make the dollies “bleed”. If you’re guest are really sick and unbalanced, get a baby doll that drinks and wets. There are even dolls now that “poop”. Water down the catsup, pull off doll’s head and fill the body cavity with the watered down catsup. This is also a good (sick ) way to play the old game, Hot Potato. Instead of dropping the “hot potato”, the loser squeezes the doll too hard and makes it have bloody bowel movements. Kids love this game!!!!!

 Here is a terrific outside idea. I, only, recommend this for people who are planning on painting there house soonor are card carrying Satanist

DISCLAIMER: Trailerparkbarbie is not responsible for your house still looking like this at Christmas. Please decorate responsibly.

While taking a break from painting my trailer, I got another fab idea. CHICKEN IN A TREE! BOO? NO…COCK-A-DOODLE-BOO!!!!!!

 Disclaimer: TPB is not responsible for any fainting, falling, or heart failures induced by Cock-a-Doodle-Boo. Please be responsible when putting fowl in your trees. Please remove chicken/rooster from tree within 24 hours.

Bwahahahha……just imagine the looks on your guests (or trick-or-treaters) faces, when out of no where, they hear a  screeeching rooster or hen noise coming from above!!!!!!

One more idea and then I’m off to decorate some more.

Don’t have a fog machine but wanna have the look of one? No problem! Invite all of your friends and family who smoke cigarettes, cigars, bongs, crack, or whatever. Seat them all together and when a visitor or trick-or-treater stops by……..VIOLA!

 

 

 

I hope that y’all have enjoy this chapter of White Trash Decoratin’.

Send your pictures of your party! Share the fright and fun with me.

Next time, I’ll tell you how to serve refreshments for little to nothin’!

Redneck Celebrities….

Y’all may have already seen these but I think they are belly-laughing hilarious. Got these in my inbox and don’t know where they actually originated. If anyone knows, please post a comment so that I can give that photoshopping genius some credit.

WHAT CELEBRITIES WOULD LOOK LIKE IF THEY MOVED TO WEST VIRGINIA

 JENNIFER ANISTON….”OK, KIDS….WHO NEEDS TO GO POTTY BEFORE WE LINE UP FOR LUNCH?”

BRITNEY SPEARS……

……HUH????? I’M STILL SEXY Y’ALL! NOW GO GET ME SOME DAMN  CHEETOHS!

ASHLEE SIMPSON…..ANOTHER SUPER JOB BY OLAN MILLS!!!!!

……MICHAEL DOUGLAS AND CATHERINE-ZETA-JONES……LOOKS LIKE THE TOP SELLING AGENT AND SPOUSE AT THE ALLSTATE CONVENTION

POSH AND DAVID BECKHAM…..THEY LOOK LIKE THEY SHOULD HAVE A PIG NAMED WILBUR

GWEN STEFANI…..OR DOLLY PARTEN AFTER EATING GWEN STEFANI

JENNIFER LOPEZ AND MARC ANTHONY……LOOKS LIKE THEY HAD THEIR FILL OF FATBACK AND BEANS!

JOHNNY DEPP…..”I’M BRINGIN’ SEXY BACK, Y’ALL!”…..BUSINESS IN THE FRONT…PARTY IN THE BACK

JOHN TRAVOLTA…..HE LOOKS LIKE THAT CREEPY UNCLE THAT WANTS YOU TO SIT ON HIS LAP AT CHRISTMAS DINNER

MARY KATE AND ASHLEY OLSEN….OMG! I HAVE NEVER SEEN A PICTURE WHERE THEY LOOK LIKE THEY HAVE EATEN!

PAM ANDERSON……SHE LOOKS LIKE A VO-TECH SCHOOL SECRETARY…”SURE I’LL WRITE YA TARDY SLIP, BUBBA. BUT, FIRST, YA GOTTA GO AND FETCH ME A COUPLE OF DONUTS FROM THE LUNCH ROOM.”

SARAH JESSICA PARKER….MOVED TO BOONE COUNTY TO REUNITE WITH HER LONG, LOST TWIN SISTER.

TARA REID…..POLICE FILE PICTURE….BUSTED WHEN COPS RAIDED A COCK FIGHT

 TOM CRUISE…..IN HIDING IN THE HILLS AFTER LEAVING SCIENTOLOGY AND JOINING BROTHER LOVE’S SNAKE HANDLING CHURCH

 

Democrat, Repulican, Or Redneck?

Got this in my email today. I don’t know who wrote it.  But, as always, I’ll be glad to give credit to the person that did if I find out.         Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Redneck? Here is a little test that will help you decide You’re walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   Democrat’s Answer   Well, that’s not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor! Or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he’d be happy with just killing me? < B> Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on , could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such b ehavior. This is all so confusing! I need to discuss with some friends over a latte and try to come to a consensus. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Republican’s Answer:   BANG! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   Redneck’s Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click…. (sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click Daughter: ‘Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those theWinchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?’ Son: ‘You got him, Pop! Can I shoot the next one?’ Wife: ‘You are not taking that to the taxidermist