I’m pretty easy going really. I haven’t always been,though.
I used to be one hellova redneck woman who was ready to fight anybody anytime anywhere. It took me years of self examination (and psych examination) to realize that a constant stew of anger and rage only hurts me. Revenge is best left to Chuck Norris in a kickass movie. Plotting the torment or demise of somebody who has wronged you really eats up too much time and energy. Not saying that I don’t have my moments, though. I’ve just found ways of dealing with them that will not put me in the big-house trading ciggies for protection from a butch girlfriend named Bertie. The last time that I got really, really pissed off was at a guy in a pickup truck who was tailgating me on a narrow, winding road. He had gun racks. He was big and bald. I stopped my car in the middle of the road, got out, and went back and screamed at him to get off my ass. Luckily, he did. He probably thought that I was a seriously dangerous demented woman. Later in the day, I had this thought….”OMG! What if HE was a seriously dangerous demented man? He could have taken me out with one good punch!”. That’s when I decided to change from a confrontional redneck woman to a sneaky get-the-last-laugh redneck woman.
So, I don’t go around with thoughts of punching this one or that one in the throat anymore.
Don’t get me wrong, though. I’m still no saint.
I’ve just developed a few less-harmful (and less likely to be arrested) ways of coping.
Feel free to adapt them to your own angry situations:
1. Glitter….glitter is a very effective method of venting anger/getting revenge.
Go to the dollar store/Wally World and buy a package that contains several small vials of different colored glitter. Keep it in your purse, pocket, or anywhere else that is handy and easy to get to. When someone pisses you off, take out the glitter. Wait until they turn their back and pour some in your hand. Then gently blow it onto the back of their hair. They will be walking around the rest of the day looking like the backside of a glitter fairy.
Hopefully, no one will be brave enough to tell them that they have glittered hair for fear of thinking that they wanted glitter hair. Even if they are told, you can sit and laugh to yourself for a long time to come picturing them trying to remove the glitter.
Glitter is, also, useful, in mail. Being sick and tired of all those credit applications that I receive in the mail prompted me one day to come up with this idea…..pour a little glitter into the enveolope, stick the credit ap in and mail it back. I still have the picture of that enveloped being opened and glitter spilling out onto all of the other applications on a desk. But, my fav glitter revenge was done at a doctor’s office. The doc was an arrogant, dismissive ahole. After he left the room for me to get dressed, I opened one of his drawers and blew a little glittery happiness onto his script pad, stethoscope, and various other items. It didn’t hurt too bad paying his outlandish office fee after that. I spent the rest of the day hoping that he had to use one of those items that day.
2. Sign ‘em up for something……after a very long time of putting up with my husband’s first wife’s demands and crap, I really wanted to stick her head in a freezer door and slam the door a few dozen times. But, I did not. Instead, I started signing her up for magazines (ex. Adam and Eve adult product mag). It wasn’t until years later when Trailerparkskipper was getting married and her soon-to-be-hubby’s friend signed her up at my address to receive this same item that I realized exactly what I had done. Have you ever tried to get off of their list? You can throw that brown wrappered mag away all you like but eventually, you have to open it in order to find out how to get off of their damn mailing list. At least, the ex got her mail delivered to the privacy of her home and didn’t have to pick it up at a local post office. It’s not easy going in to buy stamps after retrieving a plain brown wrapper from your post office box. 
Nor, is it amusing to run into your pastor, neighbors, or local dirty ol’ man while carrying this item out of the post office. I didn’t dare throw it away with my name on it!
I, also, pledged money in her name to a local telethon. Our town is not all that big. Almost everybody recognizes the names that are read out loud to give recognition to the genrous pledgers. And, you get a reminder (and a second, third and fourth reminder) to back up your pledge with moolah. I figured that the worst thing that could possibly come out of this would be that the charity would get a donation.
3. Loudly pray for them….in their presence…….if you are confronted with someone who curses you, takes your parking space, or does any other purposeful act to you in public, just start praying as loud as you can for the strength to forgive them. I guarantee you that this will either prod them into an apology or scare them away from you really fast. Yes, I have done this one, too.
4. Refer them to telemarketers/Jevhovah’s Witness/kids selling school stuff, etc…..y’all know how annoying telemarketers can be once you land on their list, right? Y’all, also, know how persistant Jehovah’s witnesses, door to door sales (including school kids, foreign exchange students selling books, etc) are, too, Here is a neat way to get them to quit bothering you and get your lil piece of revenge at the same time. But, this only works on people in your neighborhood who have wronged you. Just tell the person who has come to your door that you are very busy taking care of a sick child, a vomiting dog, a fire in your kitchen, etc. and you do not have the time to buy/listen/sign-up, etc. BUT you do know for a fact that the family/person across the street/down the block/that lives behind (or in front) of you was just mentioning that very morning how much they wish that someone would come by selling/preaching/soliticing signatures, etc. They will practically run from your house in the direction of the address that you gave them. For a little extra pazzazz, tell them the person is hard of hearing and that will have to talk really LOUDLY. Yes, I have done this one but not for revenge but as a prank. I don’t know if this is a local thing or if y’all have this……we have a couple of local companies that run “meat trucks”. Refrigerated trucks that they sell meat out of which I do not recommend buying. Just about a month ago, a young man came to my door trying to do his very best to interest me into buying some “mighty good” steaks. I didn’t hear much after the first few words because the stream of snot running down his nose that he kept swiping at with his shirt sleeve distracted me. I excused myself from the conversation, went into the kitchen, and grabbed him a paper towel. I handed it to him, told him that I was a vegan, and sent him on his way to one of my neighbor’s houses. I assured him that they were big-time meat consumers. When I ran into her later, I asked if the “meat wagon” had come by and she said that she had a really hard time getting rid of him because someone had told him that her family just loved meat. I told her did not tell her that it was me because she is really redneck and probably could whoop my ass without breaking a sweat.
I started this post two days ago. Since then, I have had a pissed off situation.
As I have confessed to y’all before, I am a compulsive shopper/hoarder. Actually, I can proudly say that I no longer fit the true description of a hoarder. I no longer have a desire to keep all of the stuff that I buy. These days, I don’t mind donating the huge packages of Depends, the size 2 jeans, or the case of yams with exprired dates to needy causes. BUT, I do still feel compulsed to shop for things that I have no use for at all. There is a local store that has a bag sale about once a month…..all you can fit into a bag for just 15 dollars. About 99 percent of the time, I buy stuff that I use or can sale on eBay. Yesterday, they had a bag sale and I was there waiting in line with my friendsthe other compulsive shoppers (women that I know only thru the bag sales). As soon as the door opened, I headed to a 3 tiered wire bin that had hand painted bracelets, earrings, and other jewelry intending to grab a few handfuls. I ran into a problem in the form of a very rude lady that I had run-ins with before. She is a grabber. A grabber is a person who literally grabs anything and everything and stuffs it into their buggy for later inspection before paying. . She was blocking my way.
I said, “Excuse me. I just want to reach around you and get a couple of those bracelets for my daughters.”
She didn’t budge one inch. Louder, I said, “EXCUSE ME! Could you move over just a couple of inches?”
She said…..OMG! I’m still fuming about this….she said, “WHEN I’M DONE. I’LL MOVE!”
It was apparent that she was not going to be done until she had snagged everything out of the wire bins.
And, this pissed me off! I said, “You are the rudest damn person that I have ever met!”
She didn’t even look at me or answer. What a ahole GRABBER.
So, I decided that while she wasn’t looking, I would take stuff out of her buggy and put it in mine. But then, I figured that it would be better if I took stuff out of her buggy and put it elsewhere in the store. And, I did. When GRABBER had totally emptied the bin (except for some broken crap), she turned around to her buggy and saw….hahahha….it was practically empty. Meanwhile, I was busy loading up on socks a few feet away. She came over to my buggy expecting to find her stuff but I didn’t have it. Yes, I know that this is childish. But, damn, it felt good.
I’m sure that I will have run-ins with Grabber again. And, I’m plotting ahead. I think a stickpin in the ass might make her move next time.
The type of local yokel rasslers that usually appear here. Obviously not on steriods. Probably on Big Macs
Not sure if this yokel is posing for a rasslin’ pic or doing an interpretive dance.Also, steroid free. Probably on “Richard Simmons” fan club list.
The original “Big Love”….these guys change masks and come out as new people 3 or 4 times an evening. Steroid use in question on this one. More likey on gravy and biscuts.Tommy Wildfire Rich poses with
Buddha versus Adorable Danny Ray….this proves that Buddah ain’t wise and Adorable Danny ain’t pretty!
Pistol Pez took a beating from my elderly aunt’s purse.
Here’s Your Chance to Tell Me….
21 NovThere are days when I cannot think of a single thing to write. It’s not that my life has become stagnent or boring. Never! But, my brain will not release the thoughts and holds out on the signal to make my fingers work the keyboard.
Yesterday was not one of those days, however. Thoughts were rapid firing like redneck hunters during deer season (which starts next week for guns…”note to self”…do not wear anything that has even the minute resemblence to antlers). It’s customary here for Black Friday to lower the checkered flag for Christmas shopping for the ladies and deer hunting* (see footnote at bottom) for the high testosteronedsex. Which, by the way, does not mean just the guys. No sirree…no bias ’round here. Y’all will see about as many femullets as mullets in the woods.
So, I’ve decided to let you, dear reader, choose my topic. Here is my plain, unedited list of weird, bizzarre, and maybe, downright disturbing topics. These are on a white, lined notebook right here beside my computer. Eventually, I’ll write about them all. But, you decide for me this time.
I just realized that my dentist’ name rhymes with Dr. Fucky.
Sweet Child Of Mine video that I am perfecting (starring me dressed as Axl Rose) for TPSkipper and TPMidge for Christmas. I started on it yesterday and got the giggles so bad that I just couldn’t finish it.
Bullet earrings and L L Bean
My friend gained 100 pounds in order to qualify for gastric bypass surgery.
New words that I have learned.
“Hey, looky here. I got me a squirrel right thru the eyeball!”
“Feels like the first day of squirrel season”
nasty dreams about Jon Bonjiovi
So…what will it be? And, if you lazy-ass biotches and baiostards don’t help me out, maybe, I’ll just write a post about….
PEOPLE WHO READ BUT NEVER COMMENT…..i’m just sayin’
*hunting season….a whole week away with the guys/girls. 3 hours of sitting in tree stands in subzero weather. 165 hours of sitting around with the guys/gals….spitting, farting, telling lies, and drinking suds.