Tag Archives: poontang

Need A Gift For The Man In Your Life?….

24 Mar

This morning, I was surfing the internet to try to come up with ideas for TPSkipper and TPMidge’s Easter baskets. I like to get them gifts that are unique and unusual. So, I went to the Regretsy website as it has tons of one of a kind items. However, before I could browse for suitable items for my babies, this thing caught my eye.

I nearly fell out of my chair in shock and then laughter. Can you imagine the face of the man who would receive this gift on his birthday, Father’s Day, etc.? And being one to not let go of something that intrigues me, I clicked on the “see it in a room” link and this is what came up……

Here’s the description of the video from the videographer…..”Yes, this Vagina plaque for sale on Regretsy is awesome. But we couldn’t help thinking it would be even better if someone married it to a Billy Bass. So here it is, through the magic of After Effects”

I do believe that this Vagina plague combined with the Billy Bass fish wall plague is one of the most unusual (and funny) things that I have ever seen!!!!

Some Spam Is Downright Funny….

27 Feb

I’m not sure how or why I started getting at least one half dozen ads for anything and everything related to a penis every day. I must have signed up for something that generated all of this spam. And, believe me, whatever  I signed up for was totally unrelated to this crap because I do not nor never have had a penis. Most of the time, I just delete the email but every once in a while, one will catch my eye due to the seriously bad spelling. I got one today that caught my eye just as I hit the delete button. I was so curious as to what it said that I went into my deleted stuff and read it. I know that you’ve all gotten that email that has all of the words with letters left out to test you to see if you can read it. This email is kinda like that. Is it disturbing or strange that I can actually read all of it?

Let’s see if you can……

IfYouHadA H arde rPe ni sYouCoul dRe allyPlea sur eY our G i rl‏

Mnior injruies froum disrupetrs–graezs and falsh-cutes–wuold beign to heeil in egiht to a hudnred huors, utnended. Thais weis epdiermal tsisue oenly. Tehre weis no recnet rpeort on utnended inetrnal huamn injruies, execpt, of cuorse, somwehere in the flies of soume mercilsesly curiuos Kilngon laboraotry. If he colud stabliize Aaorn’s condtiion loeng enoguh to fiend nighthsade and ditsill a crdue herat stmiulant of soume kiend–if he colud mainatin blo-od-transfsuions to keepi his herat gonig–if he colud oenly get enoguh sle-ep to keepi froum maikng msitakes

I don’t know what “mnior injruies froum disrupetrs” has to do with one having a  H arde rPe ni s unless the minor injuries are from getting kick in the nuts for being an atrocious speller. I think that the originator of the email must  not  get enoguh sle-ep to keepi froum maikng msitakes!

Yeah, sometimes spam is almost worth reading.

BTW…This is especially for, Jan!

2009 Homemade White Trash Gifts…Part One

17 Nov

If you’re like me, you’ve just got too many darn people on your Christmas list. With the economy in the toilet, who can afford those fancy department store presents?

So, once again, I have toiled til the wee hours in front of my computer to help you to be able to make wonderfully delightful Christmas gifts for all on your list. I’ve strived my hardest to cover everyone from Grandma to the postman. Here goes….2009 White Trash/Homemade/Cheap Christmas Gifts Part One….

There is always at least one female with  FPF ( floppy poontang flaps) for which to buy a gift on my list (or yours). Maybe, it’s Vera whose name you drew at the office. Or, maybe, LuElla, your best friend since first grade. And, if like me, you have checked the price of vaginal re-molding and tucking, you know that it’s simply too expensive to give. I did my research, though, so you don’t have to spend countless hours trying to find a Mexican clinic with a guy who claims to be Doctor Juan A. Titerjajay. Instead, I present to you….. 

Femtone vaginal weights  tone pelvic floor muscles to protect against incontinence, and can increase the strength of your orgasms! These vaginal “barbells” are the perfect product for kegel exercises. Get this hard-to-find kegal exerciser at ShopInPrivate.com.

  • A great kegel exercise solution
  • Strengthens vaginal muscles
  • 5 cones of varying weight
  • Instructional DVD
  • But, hold the phone, Nelly…it gets better…..

    No need to shell out $124.99!  No! No! No! You can make your own for less than a fraction of that cost! I made my own and YOU can, too. Simply, go to a Tru-Valu Hardware store and you will find a gazillion hardware items in varying weights to substitute for the store-bought 5 cones. Just to give you an idea, here are the items that I purchased.

    gravel stones….these come in varying shapes and sizes

    windchimes….so many assorted to pick from! (optional)

    bolts….every size, shape, and weight that you can think of are available

    cheesecloth (you can use velvet for that special feel but you will have to go somewhere other than the hardware store)

    blank video /dvd/cd

    Start with some small gravel. You might want to use a kitchen scale to weigh these. Or, take them to your local post office where they will weigh anything. This could be a slight bit tricky unless you are very, very, very good friends with the recipient of the gift since you will have to use your own judgement as to weight and size of the gravel “needed” to be effective.

    Cut a piece of cheesecloth (or velvet). Then, wrap the chosen gravel in the material and tie with a Ziplock Sandwich tie. Be thoughtful and cut off the excess tie. Those things could cause some poonana scratches and we don’t want that. Lawsuits are rampant in these hard times. Who wants to lose the farm because of  “an internal scratch”?

    Next, choose some bolts that are heavy but small enough to wrap in cheesecloth (or velvet!). Use the above instructions about cheesecloth/velvet/Ziplock ties.

     Once again, I must remind you that this is a very personalized gift and it is your duty to know approximately the size of bolts or gravel that your gift recipient will require.

     Optional windchimes……I found these to make a delightful and soothing sound. Pick a windchime and simply cut off  however many you choose. These should be wrapped up with the bolts. Your floppy flapped friend/relative/neighbor/co-worker will remember your thoughtfullness everytime that she uses these!

    Last step….insert blank dvd/cd/video into camera or camcorder. Insert homemade vaginal weights into your own “friend”. Turn on recorder. WARNING: It is important that you use the zoom lens. Otherwise, your face/boobs/butt/etc. will be eternally recorded on your dvd/cd/video and may become as well-known as Carrie Prejean’s. Now….kegel to you just can’t kegel no more.

     WARNING: THIS IS NOT RECOMMENDED FOR ANYONE WHO SUFFERS FROM INCONTINENCE. KEEP ALL ELECTRICAL APPLIANCES AWAY FROM WET SURFACES. NOT FOR CHILDREN. NOT FOR RESALE. NOT ADVISED FOR ANYONE SUFFERING FROM MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER, BIPOLAR DISORDER, MAJOR DEPRESSION DISORDER, SEASONAL AFFECTIVE DISORDER, DEPERSONALIZATION DISORDER, OR THE VERY OBESE.

    Small print stuff….TPB does not assume any responsiblity for injury to body or reputation while using this product.

      

      

     

    The Dali Mama Knows All (Almost)…..

    22 Jun

    FROM THE DESK OF THE DALI MAMA (SEE OFFICIAL SEAL BELOW)

     

    dalimama2The  last 2 days’ search terms are …uh…hmmm…..nasty and sick with a few very interesting and downright funny ones thrown in.

    Usually, I glance at them and then go about my business. But, last night, I heard the voice of the one who appointed me to be the Dali Mama. (Follow link to read about my great awakening). My loyal and trusty regular readers who by now must surely number into the thousands tens, know that my Dali Mama creator is the lovely all-knowing  mannish, Ann Coulter

    You are the DALI MAMA!” I heard Ann’s voice telling me. “It is your duty to educate the lost, the inquiring, the ones in the dark, and give them the answers that they seek.”

    Not wanting to disappoint (or face the wrath) of Ms. Coulter, today I will try to help those that are lost and searching for answers.

    Here we go…….

    Since you pervs went to so much trouble to find your kind of sick shit, I feel that it is my duty to help you out,too. Either with a web link or some good ol’ down home redneck advice.

    So, let’s get started…..

    poontang….Poontange lead the search in numbers by far and that’s OK. After all, I do admittedly write a lot about my pootang aka coochie aka hickeydoodle and of course, cooter……OW OW OW My Poontange Hurts 

    Other posts dealing with vajayjays and hoo-haws: She Got That Pap Smear Where? and Celebrating My Poontang.

     

    White Trash Sex

       
    white trash sex…..well, I’ll not berate those who landed here while looking for “white trash sex”. I only makes sense that searchers would think that I know all about white trash sex since I am the White Trash Queen of the Trailerpark. And, of course, I would have written something about white trash sex. So, here it is….White Trash Sex w/SuperGlue .  SMELLY, STINKY, DIRTY, LINT-FILLED BELLY BUTTONS

     

     
    stuff in your belly button…….AHA…a serious question that I have, also, addressed in the past……..Does Your Belly Button Stink. and, TheStinkyBellyButtonClub, which I am pleased to report has gone international!!!!!   
    do bugs have asses……By golly, yes, Virginia, bugs do, indeed have butts.   
    what does it mean when your belly button….see Belly Button link above  
    my belly button is damp and smells……also, see Belly Button link above  
       
    porno cu virgie……”what the hell is a poro cu virgie?” Anybody know?    
    poontange…..apparently a French person looking for poontang. Remove that damn “E” and read the POONTANGE linke above.    
    pinch nipples….I’m stumped on this one. Do they want someone to pinch their nipples? Do they want to pinch somebody else’s nipples? Has their nipples been pinched by catching them in a bus door?  Here’s a link with dozens of nipple pinching ideas.

    Also, there were several searches about stinky drawers:

    smelling dirty underwear

    stinky panty

    caught sniffing her panties

    stinky Sponge Bob boxers

    I will not post a direct link for you, sicko. But, there is one called Slimey Butt-Butts that might meet your needs. I’m curious…..what happened to you as a kid that makes smelly drawers so pleasurable?

    Then, they only got even weirder…..

    sons getting mothers pregenet…..The only answer that I can give for that is to find a qualified mental health specialist. Oh, and a good obstetrician. And, definitely, a good church to attend. Oh yeah….a good bail bondsman. Plus, learn to spell.

    SCREWING STUFFED CATS

    Shame on you! Having sex with something that cannot even give consent!!!!! Be a man/woman and try it with a real cat. You might find the claw marks all over your body to be attractive.

    This is just small sampling of the weird search terms that I get everyday. But, then, I’m the Dali Mama. I know am suppose to know the answers to all questions.

    If you have a burning, embarassing, serious question….go ahead and ask me, The Dali Mama. I’ll either answer it or make  fun of you.

    8 Babies…WTF Is Wrong With This Woman?

    28 Jan

    I edited the title of this post today. After finding out more about this crazy woman, I decided that she didn’t qualify for the title, “That Poor Woman”.

    (01-27) 04:00 PST Bellflower, Los Angeles C” “ounty

    A woman gave birth Monday to eight babies in a span of five minutes, only the second time in history live octuplets have been born, doctors said. Read rest here.

    Now, anybody  who has read my blog for very long knows one thing……I take great care of my poontang. I’ve written enough posts about it!   I know that she had 46 doctors and had a C-section. But, daayammmm…..that is giving me sharp pains in my nether region just thinking about it! I feel like grabbing my coochie and crying’.

    belly2

    I was searching the internet for a pregnant belly to post here and came across this belly. Last fall, TPSkipper and I were competing to see who could get the most free stuff on the internet. I came across a site (don’t ask me how I got there) that was having a contest for the best decorated Fall/Halloween themed pregnant belly. I “borrowed” this picture and entered the contest. “My belly” did not win! Next time, I’ll find a bigger one!

     

     

    Update:

    Spokeswoman Says Nadya Suleman Has Named All 8 Babies, Looks Forward to Telling Her Story

    The California woman who recently gave birth to octuplets is not overwhelmed and is looking forward to telling her story, her spokeswoman said today.

    Nadya Suleman is a “wonderful woman,” spokeswoman Joann Killeen said today on “Good Morning America.” “She’s smart, she’s bright, she’s articulate, she’s well-educated and she has a wonderful sense of humor.”

    Suleman, 33, remains in a hospital in southern California after giving birth Jan. 26 to the octuplets. Suleman, who has six other children, is now the mother of 10 boys and four girls younger than 8. All were born by in vitro fertilization, her mother has said.

    Despite what might seem like an overwhelming number of children and despite her family’s apparent financial difficulties, Suleman is “upbeat” about her future, Killeen said.

    “She’s very joyful. Nadya is a very balanced and together woman,” she said.

    “She’s very, very happy and joyful for the miracle of life and the babies.”

    Suleman has held the babies and has named them, Killeen said, though she declined to reveal the names.

    In a statement released today, Kaiser Permanente’s Bellflower Medical Center said all eight babies are breathing unassisted as they continue to feed on donated breast milk and receive intravenous nutritional supplements.

    “This has been a very good week for the babies. It is always satisfying to be able to see a baby that was born premature continue to get stronger every day,” Dr. Mandhir Gupta said in the statement.

    From another online article:

    The California woman who gave birth to octuplets on Monday, although once married, apparently had all 14 of her kids out of wedlock by artificial means — and various public records raise questions about the family’s ability to support them.

    Meanwhile, a friend and neighbor of the new mother defended her decisions to ABC News and insisted she will have plenty of assistance raising her 14 children.

    “Nadya has a lot of friends that are very supportive and willing to help in any way they can,” Jessica Zepeda said Sunday evening outside her Whittier, CA. home. She called Doud a “wonderful mother” and an ”awesome parent.”

    Zepeda and Doud’s children play and go to school together. Zepeda expressed frustration with critical coverage of the octuplet birth in the media and suggested that it was preventing her children from seeing their friends.

    “They can’t – because of all the cameras in front of her house,” Zepeda said.

    ABC News has learned through San Bernardino Superior Court Records that the 33-year-old California woman, whose name is Nadya Doud or Nadya Suleman (she filed to have her name changed to Nadya Suleman in 2001 — though it was not clear if the request was granted), divorced her husband, Marcos Gutierrez, in January 2008.

    The document indicates “no children of the marriage,” suggesting that Gutierrez was not the father of Doud’s previous six children.

    Last week, the woman’s mother, Angela Suleman, said her daughter has been obsessed with having children since she was a teenager, according to an interview she conducted late Friday with The Associated Press.

    Angela Suleman told the AP that all 14 children were conceived through in vitro fertilization, because her daughter had always had trouble conceiving because her fallopian tubes were “plugged up.” She said that while all the kids came from a single sperm donor, the donor is not Marcos Guitierrez.

    An AP review of birth records identified a David Solomon as the father of the oldest four children.

    Doud lived with Gutierrez for about three-and-a-half years from August 1996 until January 2000, when she moved back with her parents, Edward Doud Suleman and Angela Suleman, living at several addresses, records show. The parents were granted a divorce in Las Vegas in 1999, but evidently still live together.

    After leaving Gutierrez, Doud began having her 14 children.

    Another set of court documents may raise the question of whether Doud will be able to afford care for all those kids. The public records indicate that Doud’s mother filed for bankruptcy in March 2008.

    The family currently lives in a three-bedroom home in suburban Los Angeles. Bankruptcy court records show that, as of March 2008, the family owned a second home in the same area.

    As of March, Edward Doud Suleman, apparently the octuplets’ grandfather, was working in Iraq, according to the bankruptcy filing. The couple’s combined monthly income was listed as roughly $8,740, but the filing indicated that Angela Suleman expected their income would rise from her husband’s employment. It said that he would earn $100,000 a year. The document did not specify Suleman’s husband’s occupation, but Suleman told the Los Angeles Times that her husband was a contractor.

    Angela Suleman told the newspaper that her daughter had fertility treatment but never expected the treatment would result in eight babies.

    She said that raising 14 children “was going to be difficult.”

    Nadya Suleman (a.k.a. Doud) reportedly held a psychiatric technician’s license, though it was not clear if she was currently employed.

    She holds a 2006 degree in child and adolescent development from California State University, Fullerton, and as late as last spring she was studying for a master’s degree in counseling, a college official told ABC News.

    In a statement released today, Kaiser Permanente Bellflower Medical Center in Bellflower, Calif., where the children were born, said the infants were showing “good progress.” All of the babies are breathing unassisted, and are being tube-fed donated breast milk and given intravenous nutritional supplements, the statement said.

    No matter what someone earns, giving birth and caring for octuplets is an expensive proposition. The infants’ delivery was performed by a team of 46 doctors, nurses and surgical assistants stationed in four delivery rooms at the Bellflower Medical Center, and it likely cost hundreds of thousands of dollars.

    “Where is the milk money going to come from? How are we going to get these children to bed at night? Who is going to stay up with six children?” asked Dr. Charles Sophy of L.A. County Children and Family Services. “There is a lot of realty setting in.”

    “You can think of it as an eightfold increase on a singleton birth,” said Steven M. Donn, director of the Division of Neonatal-Perinatal Medicine at the University of Michigan Health System. “By comparison, the mother’s care will probably be a bargain.”

    Costs for the average delivery of a full-term pregnancy range from $9,000 to $25,000, depending on whether the baby is delivered by Caesarean section or vaginally. Eight times $25,000 is a whopping $200,000.

    But Donn said the cost of the octuplets’ delivery likely exceeded that number because doctors prepared for the risks associated with a multiple-birth delivery.

    “For reasons we don’t completely understand, risks with multifetal deliveries are greater than [normal births],” Donn said.

    The medical costs for babies born preterm, like the California octuplets, which were born nine weeks premature, are also above average.

    “The real significant costs come on the pediatric side, particularly when it comes to neonatal intensive care,” said Dr. Geeta Swamy, a maternal-fetal specialist at Duke University Medical Center.

    A full-term pregnancy lasts from 38 to 42 weeks, according to the National Institutes of Health, and Swamy estimated for babies born at 30 weeks the hospital stay could be “anywhere from six weeks to six months.”

    For an infant stay in a neonatal intensive care unit, costs can add up to “a few thousand a day,” she said.

    “So we are looking at probably several hundreds of thousands of dollars for the family. If it is $100,000 per baby, for example, then it would be $800,000 for all eight,” Swamy said.

    I love this quote from the grandma:

    Nadya Suleman wanted to have children since she was a teenager, “but luckily she couldn’t,” her mother said.

    “Instead of becoming a kindergarten teacher or something, she started having them, but not the normal way,” he mother said.

     

    Unattached Men…This Post Is Especially For You!

    16 Dec

     

    Well, you ladies might want to read it , too. You may be able to finally rid yourself of Uncle Charlie and his best friend, Roland, from showing up on Christmas morning while you are in the middle of opening gifts. No more buying extra tins of popcorn just in case they show up again. No more of your little ones asking why Charlie and Roland smell funny (from the heavy drinking/puking done the night before). No more trying to be polite while on the verge of a murderous rage watching Roland burn holes in your sofa with his constant chainsmoking.

    Like the time, he dropped a fat, cheap cigar on your beautiful brand new Kate Spade purse, wherein the cigar rolled down into the front pocket of the purse and caused the smoke alarm to go off after the entire fornt of the purse had been destroyed not to mention the matching Kate Spade wallet inside and…..oh, silly me. That’s just a scenario. Made-up, never happened to me….grrrrr. Or, how ’bout your homeless brother who now lives in a RV with his really old mean dog never having anywhere to go so like a complete patsy/idiot, you go and invite him and he won’t come unless he can bring his dog. And, you, be the wonderfully, kind-hearted person that you are (after all it is Christmas) agree to let the dog come ,too. Then, the dog, who hasn’t been groomed since it was around 6 months old and is really shaggy, does the Toby trick on your freshly shampooed area rug. What’s the Toby trick, you say. See below….

     

     

     

    Not that this has ever happened to me……grrrrrr.  Of course not. My house is just like a Christmas movie on Christmas morning. Admittedly, it would be the Griswald’s Christmas movie. And, the squirrel thing did happen one year ‘cept it was a bat. Faithful blogging friends will remember that from last year.

    Alright, back to the original intent. Following is a TBP public service for all you lonely guys. Here are Gabe & Max with some tips on hygiene and how to look Borat-sexy,not to mention smelling strong wonderful. After following their advice, you should have no problem picking up a nice lady, attractive girl somewhat desperate person to spend the holidays with. Pay attention, take notes, follow their advice!!!!!!

    ****************************************************************************************

    A Public Service for all you lonley guys!

    Dudes, the holiday season is here. This means parties, shopping in crowded malls, watching the local production of either the Nutcracker or Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer (depending on where you live. Our local theater does the latter) and other festivities involving mingling of the sexes.

    Year after year, you’re out trolling for babes. You spend time hoping that Santa will deliver a Hooter’s girl or some other type of lucy-goosey funpal. Instead, you wake up on Christmas morning with a deflated blow-up Trixie…..

    Too many of you have no luck and spend your holiday hangingout at your gramma and grampa’s (or sister’s) place scarfing down homemade goodies. Dec 26 comes along to find you alone and even worse, bloated from too many rum/peanut butter balls and gingerbread men.Trixie is deflated permanently this time (WTF did you do to her?).

    So, sit down and let Gabe and Max help you become a somewhat (at least more than you are now) desirable man.

     

     

     

     

    WARNING….LISTEN UP HERE. THIS IS IMPORTANT!!!!!

    TO ALL YOU REDNECK COON HUNTERS, DEER HUNTERS, SQUIRREL HUNTERS,BOAR HUNTERS, SNAKE CATCHERS, OR ANY OTHER TYPE OF ANIMAL HUNTER.:

    DEER URINE SCENT, RACOON ATTRACTOR SCENT, OR ANY OTHER ANIMAL-SCENTS-IN-A-BOTTLE FROM WALMART OR A SPORTING GOODS STORE CANNOT BE SUBSITUTED FOR SPLASH-ON COLOGNE OR BODY SPRAY!!!!!

    IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE THAT, JUST GO AHEAD AND PAT A LITTLE DEER URINE BEHIND YOUR EARS. BUT, DON’T BE SURPRISED TO FIND YOURSELF FOLLOWED AROUND BY A COUPLE OF WINOS WHO HAVE BEEN LAYING IN THEIR OWN PISS OR BY DEPENDS WEARING GRANNIES.

    Wishing you a lucky holiday season!!!!

    Celebrating My Poontang…..

    17 Aug

    Hey, y’all…….guess what? My poontang is more popular as blablabla’s (and her’s is listed on a professional coochie site called LonelyWivesAffairs.) BTW….she’s the one who looks like she’s getting it on with a telephone pole.

    I was checking my stats and saw that I had over 7,000 hits on my poontang post! And, at the other blog that I co-author, I’ve had over 3,000 hits on it. That’s 10,000 hits on the all vajayjay. Of course, I’m talking about blog hits not literally whacking my cooter. Now that would make for one black and blue twatter!

    ……….My Poontang Post

    So, let’s have a Poontang Post celebration.

    I brought cake……

    Coochie Cake

    Coochie Cake

    and we’re gonna………

    …….and believe me…..MINE WAS!

    How would y’all (my blog girlfriends and some boyfriends) enjoy a nice, nasty stripper show? Yeah…..I thought that you might………

    So, now to the guest list

    1. All of y’all (my blog buddies).

    2. Elizabeth Edwards John Edwards Rielle Hunter

    3. The Obamas

    4. The McCains

    5 .Bill and Hillary Clinton

    6. Casey Anthony

    7. Bill O’reilly and Keith Oberman and Ann Coulter

    8. George Clooney

    9. David Cook, Clay Aiken and his baby mama, Fantasia, Simon Cowell, Paula Abdul, Shawn P Diddy Combs, Amy Winehouse, George Clooney, Tyra Banks, Oprah Winfrey, Ellen Degeneres, Gary Busey, Rick Springfield, Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, Michael Phelps,Bono,Sting, Cher,Daughtry

    10. Cheating Chinese gymnast

    11. Anybody else that I can think of as a tag that will get me hits. Come on…..y’all didn’t think I was really gonna invite those people to my Vagina Celebration, did ya?

    12. Cycling Swiss Guy Totally just kidding!

    13. Larry King and David Hasselhoff…….no friggin’ way!

    14. Ozzy Osborne

    15. Dr. McSteamy…..serious about this one!

    Now, we need some favors for my guests…..hmmmm…..how about……

    Velvet Vulva Pillow

    Velvet Vulva Pillow

    Or if that doesn’t ticke your fancy, you can pick your own gift here………Vulva Art!!!!!!

    And of course, we need decorations………

    OK….I know y’all are disappointed. I spent quite a while trying to find balloons/decorations that were appropriate. All I could find were p****y pinaita. And, the search that I did for “adult balloons” just resulted in me finding way more than I need to know about what some women do to balloons and the weirdos that pay to watch them do it. NO LINK FROM ME! Uh uh….you’ll have to check that out on your own if you wanna see it.

    OK……LET THE CELEBRATION BEGIN!!!!!!

    OH….DON’T FORGET TO SIGN THE GUEST LIST BY LEAVING A COMMENT!!!!!

    Another Poontang Post…..

    23 Jun

    I read today that a lady gave birth to twins that weighed over 23 lbs (combined, of course) and honestly, it made my vajayjay ache until I read that they were delivered by C-section. After I read that, my coochie didn’t hurt anymore but I walked around the rest of the afternoon holding my belly.

    My girls only weighed 12 1/2 pounds combined. And, since they are not twins and were delivered 5 years apart, that was pretty OK. I hate the fact that I can’t screw with their heads by telling them that they almost ripped me into shreds being born, though. It’s hard to keep a straight face and say, “You ungrateful brat! I almost needed a whole new set of organs when your big ol’ 6 lb. body came out of me!”

    So, now, I just say, “I’m still carrying baby weight around from you. I took keeping you fed well (with cookie, ice cream, chips, etc.) seriously while you were in the womb! I gave up my size 5…errr….7….um…OK, dammit…size 9′s so you wouldn’t feel deprived.”

    I was surfing the net trying to find more info on the twins. That’s when I found this…..

    OH, Hell No!

    (When I first saw this picture, it scared the bejeesuz out of me. I thought that a transvestite was holding a little man.)

    “When ten-month-old Karan Singh bundles into the playroom, other toddlers must run away screaming.

    Because, at a hefty 22kg (NOTE: HOW MUCH IS THAT? I’LL TELL YOU….IT’S “OH, HELL, NO! SIZE) and at nearly 1m (3ft 2in) tall, Karan, seen right, is a giant among babies.

    His size is no surprise to his mother – one of the tallest women in Asia at 2.18m (7ft 2in) – who has to feed him 20 times a day.”

    Now, listen, I fed my 6 lb baby 20 times a day (while in the womb). What happened? It went to my ass…that’s what. Sheesh…..it would have been fine if she had weighed 10 lbs That would have been 4 pounds less of junk in the trunk.

    I had a neighbor in my old stomping grounds (Lot # 1) who kept pushing out larger and larger babies. After her last one weighed 12 lbs 5 oz, I could not longer look at her without doing spontaneous Keigel exercises.

    Maybe, having small babies is not so bad. I’m sure that I can find other things to make them feel guilty about.

    Thrilling Thy Neighbor….

    22 May

    As most all ( all five) of my regular readers know, I live in The Boogerwoods. Seriously. I live right smack in the middle of 36 acres with no neighbors close by. So, unexpected company is really unsusual.

    Late yesterday evening, I was headed for a nice, relaxing bath when my husband said that he was going to run to Lowe’s to pick up something or other. I heard the door close just as I turned on the water.

    I undressed and got in the tub and got all relaxed when I heard banging on the front door.

    “Well, shit!” I thought. “He’s got his keys in his ignition and needs back in.” He does this on a regular basis.

    So, I got out of the tub and grabbed a towel out of the closet. The towel was a very small bath towel that I usually just use to dry my hair. But, I didn’t want to get water on the floor and his knocking was pretty persistent. So, I figured, “Hey, he’s seen it all lots of times.” And, I just wrapped the towel as best I could. It mostly covered the bottom half of my boobs and most of my poontang.

    Loudly complaining about being interrupted, I went to the door. I opened the door and said, “Why don’t……”

    Uh oh…this was not my husband. It was an elderly man that lives up the road.

    He was frozen in his tracks by being met at the door by a half-toweled woman. His cheeks turned scarlet.

    Not bragging, but I usually have the ability to remain cool if someone else is affected by my careless actions. So, I just tried to act normal. Me with lots of flesh showing. Him, stunned and speechless.

    “Well, hello! Is there something that you wanted?” (might have been the wrong choice of words looking back)

    “I…I…I……I…….wwwas wanting to talk to your husband about some trees.” he managed to stutter.

    “Well, he’s not hear right now. But, I’ll tell him that you came by,” I said sweetly (cause I love old people!)

    He turned to leave and then stopped. “Miss, do you realize that you have a towel on?” he asked.

    “Well, yes, I do. I was taking a bath” I said.

    He just turned and left.

    This morning, he came back. To bring TOWELS. BIG TOWELS!

    I tried to tell him that I had plenty of towels but he said, “I just don’t think your’s are big enough”.

    And, he left!!!!!

    I laughed so hard that I had to sit down in the hallway. And, sitting there, I damn near peed my pants!

    And I Thought I Was Frugal….

    16 Apr

    Frugal = cheap

    I have admittedly done some cheap-ass things to save money. I’ve gotten backaches from sitting at the kitchen table clipping coupons. I’ve suffered foot pain walking from one end of a mall to the other to save $1 on a kitchen towel. I’ve even washed and reused plastic storage bags and aluminum foil. And, I would have never admitted any of this if I had not found people who beat me by far in the stingy/cheapass department.

    These are selling on eBay.

    Without further comment, I present…..

    TAA DAAAA……REUSABLE MENSTRUAL PADS

    (This one can put some dance in your pants….hee hee)

    The BALLERINA pad set you are bidding on includes 1 liner and 3 pads featuring a cotton print backed in pink cotton flannel:

    Pads have additional thick cotton layer inside.

    Liner has reliable snap and sewn-in pink ribbon bands for securing pads. Liner holds up to three pads. Snap-around wings help protect panties.

    Choose your own thickness: Stack liners up to desired thickness. Separable pad layers are quicker and easier to wash and dry than a single multi-layer pad. Pads and liners can be used alone as pantyliners or light-day pads.

    How ’bout a hippo in your Hanes……

    AIO Cloth Menstrual pad

    Included in this auction is a set of: 4 – 12 inch regular pads with wIngs. Serged all around. Inside layer of patterned flannel, with thick quilted padding sewn inside to inner side of pad, (4 layers of flannel) sewn in place so no twisting or binding, making a (total of 4 layers of flannel) all sewn together with white pul on the back.New never used,

    (gotta love that great selling point!)

    How ’bout some flip-flops covering your cooter? Awwww……just like being at the beach for your whole period!The pad has a snap closure made of poly-resin. These snaps have been applied using an industrial KAM snap press.

    (industrial strength?…..this is some serious poontang protection!)

    Bubblegum??????? Is it just me or does the thought of bubblegum anywhere near your coochie give you a nauseated feeling? Although, this creator may have hit on a new idea. Bubblegum could work to stop your womanly flow. Just the bubblegum….not the pad.

    What a resourceful seller, too. Looking for that gift for your hard to buy for mother-in-law, best friend, bridesmaids…..?

    Introducing our NEW Long Pantyliners

    Bubble Gum….Made of super soft flannel, these would make the perfect gift or to add to your own stash!

    Splatter paint…..shouldn’t this have been red?

    This set includes:

    1 Mama Pad

    3 Mama Pad Inserts

    (One insert in the picture is tucked in to the Mama Pad – the others are on the side as shown.)

    These are actually for sale on eBay. If you want to check it out for yourself, go to eBay and enter “cloth menstrual pads” in the search box.

    Hmmmmmmm…….I’ve got this sneaky feeling that Al Gore is behind this……….

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