Got One Scratched Off My Bucket List!

Yes, I know….two posts in one day! I hope it’s not too much excitement for any of you.

So…here we gooooooo…..

Today is a very busy day! I was on the couch with a “bug” all week and have so much catching up to do.  Laundry, cleaning, catching up on all my recorded episodes of reality shows, etc.

Around 10:30, I decided that I might be more energetic if I actually got dressed out of the pj’s that I had been wearing since Thurs. Or, did I put them on Wed? Doesn’t matter either way because they were starting to smell bad enough to knock a buzzard off of a shit wagon.

I was in the bathroom drying off when I heard the doorbell ring. I rushed and put on my once-plush bathrobe and went to the door. There, before me, stood two very well-dressed and distinguished looking gentlemen. Here I am with crazy hair (my hair IS crazy until I dry and smooth it down) dressed in a bathrobe that has a hole located near a very private area (lets’ just say that I was getting a good airing out down there).

“I’ll bet you think we are Jehovah’s Witnesses.”…..the tallest man said.

 

“Well, either that or somebody trying to sell me encyclopedias that nobody ever uses anymore,” I replied.

The man chuckled politely and said, “No, we are JW’s and would like to take a moment of your time.”

My very weird brain starts processing this and what I could do to turn it into a positive experience for ME. It’s not that I have anything against JW’s. I actually admiring their balls going door to door with people slamming doors in their faces and calling them Satan Spawn and stuff. That takes major dedication.

And it went like this…..

JW….”God wants us to read the Bible everyday and follow its instructions.”

Me…”I agree. My pastor has preached on that many, many, many times.”

JW…”Are you familiar with our beliefs and our magazines?” And, he hands me a Watch Tower mag.

Me..”Why, yes I am. Actually, my sister was a JW before she passed away a few years ago.”

JW…”I’m sorry to hear that. What did she share with you”?

Me…”She said that she laughed her butt off at all the people knocking themselves out Christmas shopping. She said that, being a JW and not celebrating Christ’s birthday, she got some killer sales the day after Christmas. She got twice as much stuff for half as much money.”

JW….”clear his throat”…..”Oh! I meant about our fundamental beliefs about God.”

Me…”Oh! Well, actually we agreed to not discuss our differences in beliefs”.

JW…”And, what is your belief?:

Me…”I believe that God loves everyone. And, I love everyone, too. I love Jewish people, Muslims, Catholics, Protestants and everybody except corrupt government people. Why, I LOVE you! Do you love me?”

JW….(somewhat flustered)….”Yes, I love you.”

Me…”.well, then would you mind helping me set up my Christmas tree?”

JW…”We don’t celebrate Christmas. You said that you knew that.”

Me…”Well, that doesn’t mean that I don’t celebrate Christmas. Don’t you believe in helping other people?”

JW…”Of course, we believe in helping others but we can not take part in what we consider a pagan holiday.”

Me…”Well, can’t you just think of it as helping a lady put up a big, live plant in her house that she puts lots of lights on to battle SAD (seasonal affective disorder)?

JW…”I think we have kept you out in the cold long enough. So, we will be on our way.”

Me…”Awww, come on. Let’s put up the tree and then I’ll fix us some Rudolph The Red Nose Reindeer slow gin fizzes. It would warm you up for going door to door in the cold.”

 JW…”No, thank you. We must be on our way. We have a lot of territory to cover today.”

Me….”What if I turn on the DVR and let you watch my recorded show of The Most Hated Family in America. It’s a great documentary about the God Hates Fags church.”

JW….(headed down the porch steps)….”It was nice talking to you. Have a good day!’

Me…”come back…come back….you can help me wrap presents!”

JW…waves from the protection of his car and leaves.

Gosh…that was fun!!!!!

Redneck Dating Advice For Men…

Scenario…..you just met Suzyette at your cousin’s wedding. She is hot and you ask her out. You have some great ideas for the first date. But, wait…..if these places are on your go-to date list, mark them off.

1. To watch you play basketball/baseball/hockey/football with fat Chuck from the sales department, hairy Larry from the service department, and your unemployed best friend. Girls do not enjoy this. They might act like it because they think you are potential husband material.

2.Hiking….although lil’ Suzyette might enjoy a good walk on occasion, chances are she will be dressed in her best. Which will include sit-down shoes. Sit-down shoes are not walking shoes. They are only for making the leg and foot look sexy. Take lil’ Suzyette hiking and you will be carrying lil’ Suzyette all the way back to your car. If you choose to ignore this advice, at least do not point our deer turds and squirrels mating to her. This is uncouth.

3. To your parents house (because you are an unemployed, broke loser). This is the first date. No one really knows anyone else. It will be awkward. And, even more awkward if your dad decides to show off his farting skills.

4. To the local beer joint to watch you play pool. Chances are that lil’ Suzyette can beat your ass in pool. Redneck girls learn pool when still in diapers.

5. To the local Jaycee’s hot dog sale. Nuff said.

6. To shoot guns. Here again, you stand a chance of getting shown up. Baby redneck girls have loaded 45′s under their crib mattresses. She will leave you feeling like a Nancy-boy.

7. Mud-bogging. Yes, we redneck girls love riding big ol’ trucks thru the mud. So, at least forewarn her ahead of time so she can dress in her best camo instead of her newest mall purchase.

8. To catch nightworms for your next day fishing trip with your brother. Redneck girls are good at catching night worms and good at fishing. But, this is not romantic.

9.To visit your Ma in jail. Nuff said.

10. To Wal-Mart’s hunting section. She will be bored and wander off to cosmetics. When you catch up with her, she will drill you for an hour on which lipstick color is prettiest. But, you asked for it.

And…..

Do not make fun of Elvis

Lard is not a sex-aid

Being hot-tied or roped is not foreplay

Do not kiss your hunting dogs right before kissing her

Before kissing, take the chaw or snuff out of your mouth

Do not enter her in the wet T-shirt contest without her permission. No matter how big you think her boobs are.

Deer scent can not be substituted for deoderant

So, now….go git ‘er done!

Rehab Is For Quitters….

Things that I think are funny. Maybe, you will, too.

Crazier than a fish with titties.

Save the whales. Trade them for valuable prizes.

My dog can lick anyone.

Make yourself at home. Clean my kitchen.

I like cats, too. Let’s exchange recipies.

Sure, life sucks. If it didn’t, we’d all fall off.

Question:
Which is worse, Ignorance or Apathy?

Answer:
I don’t know and I don’t care.

Oh crap! You’re just going to try to cheer me up, aren’t you?

No one ever says, “It’s only a game.” when their team is winning.

A man rushed into the doctor’s office
and shouted, “Doctor! I think I’m shrinking!!”
The doctor calmly responded, “Now, settle down.
You’ll just have to be a little patient.”

Gargling twice a day is a good way
to see if your throat leaks.

If we weren’t meant to eat animals
then why are they made of meat?

It’s not whether you win or lose,
but how you place the blame. 

Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you. 

 

IF MONEY IS THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL
WHY DO CHURCHES BEG FOR IT?     

WHAT IF THE WHOLE WORLD
FARTED AT ONCE?

I’D SMACK YOU, BUT
SHIT SPLATTERS

PETA
PEOPLE EATING TASTY ANIMALS

I CHILD-PROOFED MY HOUSE
BUT THEY STILL GET IN

 

Does Your Belly Button Stink?……Update

No, this is not my belly button. Mine is actually deeper than this one. Mine is so deep that you could fill it with water and use it as a dog/cat water bowl.

 

My belly button stinks. It stinks because it is freakishly deep. I have to clean it regularly or it smells like ass. I was tooooo embarrassed to ever talk about this until….

I did an internet search on “deep belly buttons” during a period of boredom. I was totally taken by surprise to find that “deep belly button” is all over the internet. Stuff like this……

“Sometimes when I try to clean it out I can’t get my finger in it properly, so I have to get a toothpick to scrape it clean. It’s just too small.”

 From a site named, “Is It Normal?”……..

smelly belly button

 

Friend’s Email: Your Name:

my belly button is smelly inside. its tight and it gets smelly really deep. ive been like this since i was young. and sometimes i sniff it and like the smell even though its a bit rank

Responses……

uhhh

you have much self luv… good for you!  

I find it satisfying to gouge out the depths of my navel with a matchstick. This would be a perfect pastime except for the fact I get shooting pains in my bum-hole if I dig too deep.

Anonymous

ha

well my sister has the same exact problem and i think its normal. and strangely she likes how it smells. i smelled it a few times and nearly died. it was BAD!!

completly normal. maybe clean it or something. or get deoderant for it

So, I was beginning to think that I might actually get educated on deep belly buttons on this site. But then, I read this…..

Gray ball hair?

Friend‘s Email: Your Name:

Is it normal for a 19 year old to have gray hair on his balls and at the base of his penis but normal pubes everywhere else?

Comments

You may be dying or will die very young.

are you sure that you aren’t 91?

shut up retard

It became pretty obvious that this was not a site filled with serious, educating “deep belly button” research . So, I did some more surfing and found……

I Used To Believe

I didn’t find any answers there, either. But, I sure got some really good belly laughs. As a matter of fact, I laughed all the way down to the bottom of my belly button.

I spent so much time reading those stories that I didn’t have time to do anymore research.

So, if any of you have an answer for why some belly buttons are really deep and smell like ass, please post a comment.

 

 

1/25/09…..I’ve decided to revive this post from the archives. I am surprised by the number of comments on it. The comments are really much better than the post. I didn’t realize how much interest this would generate. The inventiveness and sense of humor of all the commentators amazes me. Read them and be both entertained and educated.

All Commentators are now honorary members of THE STINKY BELLY BUTTON CLUB! CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!

Update 9/28/09

I am surprised and amused that this post about belly buttons has generated more comments on my blog than any other post. I honestly never dreamed that so many people would comment about their own belly buttons. It’s a wonderful day! Stinky Belly Button People have come out of the closet and exercised our rights to be proud of a freakish belly button.

(This looks like someone stuck a booger in their belly button. Freakishly deep belly buttons ARE excellent places to hide things.) From I Used To Believe…. ”I used to believe that my belly button was a place to store my boogers for when i wanted a little delicacy late rin the day.”

People from all over the world have commented on this post with tales of living with, smelling, and cleaning their navels. I proclaim each and evey one of them as a member of The Stinky Belly Button Club!!!!!! And, to celebrate, I suggest that all members of TSBBC take a trip together to this place……

Here we can be proud of our weird belly buttons. The freedom of decorating your belly button (that your friends and family have made fun of for years) and dancing around is overpowering (as is the smell of all those stinky belly buttons).

(What a great idea for Halloween!)

So, keep those comments coming. And…STINKY BELLY BUTTONS OF THE WORLD UNITE!!!!!!

SOS…..I’m In Survey Hell!

   As the regular readers know, I am up to my eyeballs in items that I have bought on clearance sales. I’m an admitted addictive shopper and hoarder. I’ve been trying to break these bad habits with all kinds of substitute behavior. I’ve tried everything. Well, not everything. I haven’t tried timbering or being a rap artist, yet.

Ya know those annoying emails that you get about doing surveys for money and rewards?  Well, that’s my new substitute behavior. And, it’s not going so well.

Here’s what I have discovered……if you take one survey, you will get a bazillion other survey companies emailing you. This is not good for someone with addictive behavior patterns. Believe me…..I know!

It seemed easy enough. Get paid a couple of bucks for every survey that I take. Definitely not a way to get rich but at least I wouldn’t be out shopping. Right?

So, I signed up with one of the survey companies. After filling out a complete profile form, I got directed to a survey. After spending 5 minutes on that survey, I found out that my profile did not qualify me to finish it. Another survey…….5 more minutes wasted. And, 5 more and 5 more…until a hour had gone by and I had not had the opportunity to earn my precious $1.50. CURSES!!!!!!

With a big sale begging me to come, I got a great idea. I changed my profile on every survey. I was female/male/Hispanic/Native American/Oriental and more. I worked as a car salesman/a psych doc/a Burger King counter person/a horse trainer/a nanny/a chef/a Los Vegas blackjack dealer and more. I was 15 yrs old/67 years old/23 years old and more.  I was so many things that I started getting confused.

When I realized that I had signed on to one as a pregnant, 59 year old, male model, I knew that I had to quit.

But, now, I’m totally swamped with surveys. So many surveys that I am thinking of changing my email address.

One thing that I did NOT do was give out my real phone number.  I have nightmares about answering the phone 50 times a day with a surveyor on the other end.

Take my advice….shopping and hoarding is easier and probably a lot saner.

How I Almost Killed The Mothman……..

The Mothman of West Virginia

This past weekend, I got to take a rare weekend trip with my daughters. Just us! We had not been able to get away by ourselves for a long time. Right from the get-go, we were having fun. My youngest daughter is really funny and we were laughing until our bellies hurt. As a matter of fact, she made us laugh so hard that we had to stop at a rest stop and pee.

The rest stop was eerily quiet for a Friday nite. Back in the car and on our way again, my daughters started talking about the deserted rest stop. One said that she bet something or someone scary had taken and maybe, eaten all of the people. Of course, she was just joking but this lead to my kids trying to “outscare” each other. I was laughing at them. All of a sudden, I heard a noise…..athwak…..athwak….athwak….at a regular interval. It was coming from the backend of the car. My daughters were being really loud and I had to practically shout to tell them to be quiet for a minutes.

“Why?” one of them said.

Me: “Because I hear a strange noise.”

Daughter: “No, you don’t! You are just trying to scare us!”

Me: “I swear that I really do. It’s coming from the tale end of the car. Listen!”

And there it was…..athwak….athawk….athwak

Since my daughters had just spent the better part of 30 minutes trying to outscare each other, they were a little on edge.

Daughter: “MOM! What is it?”

Other Daughter (the brainy one) “Mommy! (I become Mommy when they are scared)

First Daughter “It’s on the back of OUR CAR! Maybe, it’s something like The Mothman. That thing was seen not far from us!”

OK….that is partly true. We live not too far from where the infamous Mothman was seen. However, that was years ago and never proven. Of course, the movie released a few years ago brought brand new Mothman tales and speculations in our redneck part of the woods.

Brainy daughter: “Mom, you are packing heat.. Get it out and shoot whatever it is.” Yes, she did talk like that. I felt like I was in a Dirty Harry movie or sumptin’.

Me: “Let me see what it is. We might have to pull over”.

Both daughters: “NO! NO! NO! NO! It will be waiting to grab us! Do something, Mommy!’ This coming from grown women in their 20′s.

ME: “Girls, calm down and relax. I’m sure it’s just something like our luggage rubbing together. Let me look”.

I proceeded to crawl over the backseat of the SUV when……eeeeiiiiiii…..something was moving right outside the back window.

Me: “Well, I do see something moving but it’s so dark, I can’t tell what it is.”

Girls “JUST GET YOUR GUN OUT!!! SHOOT THE DAMN THING !!! IT’S SOMETHING LIKE THE MOTHMAN!!!!!! IT’S GONNA GET US!”

I had not pulled my gun out but was giving it some serious thought.

One second later, I was howling with laughter.

Me: “Grils, your monster is hanging on the back window and movie in a rhythm. Do you want to know what it is?”

Girls: “NO! NO! NO!” I could hardly hear one of them from beneath the 3 jackets and 2 pillows that she had covered her head with.

“Just shoot it!” they screamed in unison.

“But girls”, I said, “What will be do when it rains if I shoot the……..BACK WINDSHIELD WIPER!”

I can’t believe that I was considering shooting out the back window to get the windshield wiper. We must have gotten pretty slap-happy to have acted so stupid.

Needless to say, we kidded each other about the Mothshieldwiper all weekend.

Ahhhh…..good times…..good times.