So sorry, friends and acquaintances, frequent readers, strangers who happened upon this blog while Googling for redneck life, lists, or jokes. I haven’t been around much lately. I don’t take lightly the fact that it is my mission, appointment, undertaking in this life to enlighten y’all about my white trash goings-on.
But, as I wrote in my last post, I’ve been feeling a little “out-of-body” (depersonalization) lately. When this happens, I just don’t feel like myself. The problem is that I’m starting to like whomever it is that I do feel like.
There I go getting off topic again. Oh look…a chicken. My problem is that I lack the hyperactivity part. And, that’s a bitch. I want the hyper part, too. Now, where was I?
Oh yeah, the shing-dig. It’s HALLOWEEN and that can only mean one thing. Time for our Jolly Jack-O-Lantern get-together. This year’s theme is “President-Smesident…Let’s PARTEEEEEE like it’s 2006″! I bought these to scare the hell out of any party crashers…..
AAAAIIIIIEEEEEEEE! Scary stuff!
I stuck that line in between them because I’m tired of hearing them right now. I didn’t want them to go at it while I’m trying to tell y’all about the party.
OK….let’s get to the important part….the EATS!!!!!! I try to be a little different and daring each year. This year was sorta hard since I was busy being “somebdody else” and that SE was pushing for fancy crap. TG, I got my body back in time to make sure that we had some refreshments. I took up a collection from around the park and ended up with $17.63, a couple of WIC coupons, and $9.31 in food stamps. This allowed me to buy 17 things from the Dollar Tree and a couple of bottles of vino el cheapo at the Stop and Save. I kicked in enough money to buy enough beer for everyone to get a little bit crazy (depending on how crazy you are to start with).
Here’s the menu. Who could possible resist these treats?
Cousin Pat is bringing her mouth watering Big Scrub Ambrosia. She tries to keep her recepie a secret but everyone ’round here knows that she goes into her pantry and gets whatever fruit she has canned this fall and mixes it all together. Don’t let on like I told you, though.
Jr. Bledso is bringing his special “Tuna Puppies” that he only makes for holidays and wakes. He takes a couple of cans of tuna and mixes it with hard boiled eggs, salad dressing, and a “special sauce” that he won’t reveal. I think that sauce is actually packets of dressing that he has collected from fast food joints and mixes together.
Jeweldeen is bringing Suki-Wawh-Suki….some concoction that she came up with after eating at Huang Young’s Oriental and Gumbo House. I don’t know what that is because she won’t tell me. She says it’s a surprise. I just hope that it doesn’t surprise us in the same way that her Slut Puppies did last year. The Wal-Greens sold out of Kaopectate and hemmroid medicine in 24 hours. I think those little Sluts had a little too much jalepeno peppers and tabasco sauce.
Nancy Cartwheel is bringing her fabulous Old Rugged Cross cake. This is just a yellow cake that she shapes into a cross. I told her that I didn’t feel that a cross was really appropriate at a Jolly Jack-O-Lantern party but she says that there is no place better to make people think about whether they are going to hell or not than one of my “sinners conventions”.
Juanita Hix is bringing her Sloppy Sloppy Joes. Good thing that I bought black trash bags to use as table cloths. Those are so tasty but will ruin the heck out of your clothes with their juice.
My next-lot neighbor, Chit, has made up a bunch of his ass-kickin’ Pit Bull Punch…..Rum, sugar, 1 orange, 1 lemon, 2 limes, and 1 gallon of Mad Dog 20/20.
I bought 5 bags of candy corn, 7 packages of wax lips (2 per pack), and some gummi bugs and worms at the Dollar Store with the money that I collected. I hit the jackpot at the Serv and Sav. I took the nine bucks in food stamps and bought 4 bags of discounted potato chips (they had been opened and had been sorta smashed) and 3 containers of out-dated sour cream. I don’t think anyone will be able to tell that it’s out of date. I never can figure out how you know when sour cream is sour. I took the rest of the food stamps and bought some Firecracker balls. You know…those hot balls that make you feel like your mouth is on fire.
So, that’s what we have so far. I’m expecting some more guests to bring stuff. I’ve gotta run out tomorrow and head back to the Dollar Tree. I found 3 one dollars and a fiver under the couch cushions. So, now, I can buy a few decorations.
Listen up, friends and stopper-bys, this is a private party. Keep the details to yourself.
Plan on COMING EARLY AND STAYING LATE!!!!!!
Oh, and RSVP if it’s possible. I need to know how many chairs to borrow from the sewing/craft/yoga/book club rooom.
EVERY TIME I HEAR “GENTLEMEN, START YOUR ENGINE!”, I GET GOOSEBUMPS ALL THE WAY DOWN TO MY COOCHIE!
I LOVE MY TRACTOR!!!! NOTHING CAN MAKE YOU FEEL MORE LIKE A HARD WORKING AMERICAN THAN HAVING TO HAVE THE DIRT DUG OUT FROM UNDER YOUR NAILS BY A VIETNAMESE TRAIL TECH IN THE MALL! THAT MAKES ME FEEL SO DARN ALIVE!
WHICH UNFORTUNATELY LED TO NEW AND BIGGER PROBLEMS…..LIKE DRINKING TO FORGET THE PAIN. WHILE DRUNK, I WOULD PICK UP STRANGE MEN…..
THIS RESULTED IN AN UNEXPECTED ADDITION TO MY FAMILY……
AND, LITTLE JOHNNY’S FATHER IS DENYING PATERNITY. THIS HAS MADE FOR SOME HARD TIMES BUT HAS ALLOWED ME TO BE ABLE TO UNDERSTAND THE PLIGHT OF UNWED MOTHERS AND THE MENTALLY ILL. IT HAS, ALSO, GIVEN ME THE INCENTIVE TO TAKE A GOOD LOOK AT MYSELF. AND, I DIDN’T LIKE WHAT I SAW….
I HAD DONE A PRETTY DARN GOOD JOB OF COVERING THE TRACK MARKS, DON’TCHA THINK? ONE OF MY REGULARS WAS THERE. HE ASKED ME IF I WANTED TO GO TO REHAB BUT I SAID, “NO, NO, NO!” HE IS A NICE GUY. I THOUGHT THAT IT WOULD BE NICE IF I GAVE HIM A ONE LAST LAP DANCE.
I TOLD THE COPPERS THAT THAT WAS MY LAST ACTION IN THE “SPANK MY MONKEY” AND THEY DROPPED CHARGES OF SOLICITATION AND INDECENT EXPOSURE. BUT, I WAS THEN INFORMED THAT I HAD OUTSTANDING WARRANTS FOR MY ARREST. YA SEE, A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO, I HAD A JOB WITH THE MAFIA……
BUT, THESE CHARGES WERE, ALSO, DROPPED WHEN IT TURNED OUT THAT THE CHIEF OF POLICE WAS A REGULAR AT THE “SPANK MY MONKEY” AND HE WAS RUNNING FOR OFFICE AND COULDN’T AFFORD ANY BAD PRESS.
…….and believe me…..MINE WAS!
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