Quit Your Biotching Cuteasasa…..

Sorry, Your Majesty, don’t have time right now for a real post. But, since you have made your feelings known and it is perfectly clear that you do not want to look at my Barbie/Ken vase anymore, I’m stealing something from my email.

Think of it as a sorta placeholder piece. Then, I’ll do my very best to get back in the groove……..

Oh wait, there is something else I want to post from my email first…..oh looky, another chicken…….and here it is:

“gentlemens…..use your pleasure tool to make your wife happee”  …….Those spam Viagra/Cialis ads crack me up!

Love making tips for Seniors

1. Wear your glasses. Make sure your partner is actually in> the bed.

 2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

 3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

 4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you> begin.

 5. Write partner’s name on your hand in case you can’t remember.

 6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don’t end up under the bed.

 7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act..

 8. Make all the noise you want… The neighbors are deaf  too.

 9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!

 10. Don’t even think about trying it twice.

AND

Dear Abby,

I am a crack dealer in Beaumont , Texas, who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus. My parents live in Fort Worth .. One of my sisters lives in P flugerville and is married to a transvestite.

My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marij uana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Dallas

I have two brothers: one is currently serving a non-parole life sentence at Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Longview . She is a part time “working girl”.

All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her.

Should I tell her about my cousin who is an Obama supporter?

 

Signed,

Worried About My Reputation

 

AND ONE MORE FOR GOOD MEASURE

“TENJOOBERRYMUDS”…

 

By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND “TENJOOBERRYMUDS”…

In order to continue getting-by in America (our home land), we all need to learn the NEW English language! Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term “TENJOOBERRYMUDS”.

With a little patience, you’ll be able to fit right in.

Now, here goes…

The following is a telephone exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and call room-service somewhere in the good old U S A today……

Room Service : “Morrin. Roon sirbees.”

Guest : “Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service.”

Room Service: ” Rye. Roon sirbees…morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???”

Guest: “Uh….. Yes, I’d like to order bacon and eggs.”

Room Service: “Ow July den?”

Guest: “…..What??”

Room Service: “Ow July den?!?… Pryed, boyud, poochd?”

Guest: “Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. Scrambled, please.”

Room Service: “Ow July dee baykem? Crease?”

Guest: “Crisp will be fine.”

Room Service: “Hokay. An Sahn toes?”

Guest: “What?”

Room Service: “An toes. July Sahn toes?”

Guest: “I… Don’t think so.”

RoomService: “No? Judo wan sahn toes???”

Guest: “I feel really bad about this, but I don’t know what ‘judo wan sahn toes’ means.”

RoomService: “Toes! Toes!…Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?”

Guest: “Oh, English muffin!!! I’ve got it! You were saying ‘toast’… Fine…Yes, an English muffin will be fine.”

RoomService: “We bodder?”

Guest: “No, just put the bodder on the side.”

RoomService: “Wad?!?”

Guest: “I mean butter… Just put the butter on the side.”

RoomService: “Copy?”

Guest: “Excuse me?”

RoomService: “Copy….tea..meel?”

Guest: “Yes. Coffee, please… And that’s everything.”

RoomService: “One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy … Rye??”

Guest: “Whatever you say.”

RoomService: “Tenjooberrymuds.”

Guest: “You’re welcome”

Remember I said “By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND ‘TENJOOBERRYMUDS’ “……and you do, don’t you!

1947—PEOPLE OF THE WORLD—-HEAR US!!!

Received this in my email from a good friend. Thought that I’d share it. It explains a lot of strange happenings in Washington and other places in the US. government..

 

1947

 Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico.

 This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations. However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948, nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:

Albert A. Gore, Jr.

 Hillary Rodham

John F. Kerry

 William J. Clinton

 Howard Dean

 Nancy Pelosi

 Dianne Feinstein

Charles E. Schumer

 Barbara Boxer

I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you. It did for me. No wonder they support the bill to help illegal aliens! Now You Know.

Dali Mama Membership Drive…

ATTENTION: ALL MEMBERS AND OFFICERS IN THE CHURCH OF THE DALI MAMA

WE WILL BE STARTING A MEMBERSHIP DRIVE SOON

SINCE WE ARE AN EXCLUSIVE RELIGIOUS GROUP, WE MUST SCREEN IN-DEPTH ALL FUTURE MEMBERS

THEREFORE, WE NEED TO ALL PUT OUR HEADS TOGETHER AND MAKE A QUESTIONAIRE FORM THAT WILL REALLY LET US KNOW EXACTLY WHAT KIND OF MONEY DEVOTION A NEW MEMBER WOULD HAVE TO OUR DMC (DALI MAMA CHURCH). ALSO, WE NEED TO FEEL THEM UP THEIR KARMA TO MAKE SURE THAT IT IS PURE AND NOT TAINTED.

YOUR HOMEWORK FOR THE WEEKEND IS FOR EACH OF YOU TO COME UP WITH 4 QUESTIONS THAT WOULD SHOULD ASK THE PROPESTIVE FOOL MEMBER.

I WILL BE GONE MOST OF THE DAY DOING SOME CLEARANCE SHOPPING RESEARCH ON SUPPLIES THAT WE MAY NEED. EX….WINE, WAFERS, DIET PEPSI, ETC.

MY DEAR FOLLOWERS, I TRUST THAT YOU WILL DO A GOOD JOB!

I WILL CHECK BACK THIS EVENING.

NOTE TO ANYONE INTERESTED IN JOINING:

1. PLEASE POST IN THE COMMENT BOX

2, PLEASE TELL US A LITTLE ABOUT YOUR FINANCES YOURSELF

3. PLEASE LEAVE YOUR REASON FOR WANTING TO BE A DALI MAMA DEVOTEE

I, BEING THE DALI MAMA, HAVE POWER TO GRANT INSTANT APPROVAL OR DENIAL. IF NOT INSTANTLY APPROVED OR DENIED, YOUR APPLICATION WILL BE VOTED ON MY THE DALI MAMA COMMITTE.

PS…MEMBERS…..TIME TO START THE FALL CANDY SALE TO RAISE MONEY FOR FUTURE TRIPS TO LAS VEGAS  HOLY SITES.

IN OTHER IMPORTANT D-MAMA (KINDA LIKE P-DIDDY) NEWS. AN OFFICIAL CEREMONY WILL BE HOLD DURING THE FIRST FULL MOON. THE FOLLOWING MEMBERS WILL BE CHRISTENED WITH OFFICALLY TRADEMARKED DALE EARNDART SR. R C COLA (BLESS HIS HEART….HE WENT TO RACE IN A BETTER PLACE! BUT, HIS IMAGE IS STILL ALL OVER EBAY).

Me (Dali Mama)…”Bambi”
You…BHE….”Muffi”
Woody…”Buffi”
MJ…”Fluffi”
VV…”Bif” 

Editing to add Jenny who will now be “Lolli”….how on earth could I  have left that dear one out?

And, in other news, I have submitted my application to the “Documents for Illegal Aliens” site and am awaiting my certificate of Certified Preacher in the mail. That site has everything! If you ever get bored with who you are or what you do, that’s the go-to place.

Politically Incorrect….

With Christmas behind me and a new year dawning, Ive felt so depressed lately. It all started when my new TV’s picture wouldnt come in clear. I called the customer service line and got someone in India who claimed her name was “Jennifer”. She barely spoke English and by the time I got off the phone with her, the new TV wasn’t working at ALL.
So I decided I’d call MasterCard and dispute the charge. I wasn’t going to pay the bill on something that didn’t work. Well, you guessed it. Another middle eastern call center. “Bob” (which I am sure is short for Ali-Baba Falladi Hussein) didn’t seem to understand what I wanted him to do, but I was able to understand his broken English enough to realize that he had signed me up for some credit score monitoring service at a bargain rate of $69 per month.
This did nothing for my mood. Im stuck with a broken TV and paying $69 a month to have someone tell me whether or not my credit is any good. Well, I sat around the house just feeling worse and worse about myself…until I figured I better get some help. I picked up the phone and called one of those mental health hotlines.
“Hello dis eez Patreek” the english-as-a-fourth-language voice on the other end said.
“Patrick…where are you located?”
“We are in byoootiful Pakistan!” he said. Great, I thought. They’ve even outsourced mental health lines.
“Well, Patrick, this year has just started off so bad…Im feeling really down…Im afraid of what I might do to myself.” I said, hoping for some guidance from across the globe.
“I am so sorry to hear dat.” he said. “Tell me, are you feeling sewey-cidal?”
“Honestly,” I started, “I think I am”
“Oh my goodness!” He said with what sounded like excitement in his voice. “Are you sure you’re feeling sewey-cidal?”
“Im pretty sure Patrick”
“Well you called the right place! Tell me, can you fly a plane?”

ba dum bum!

IMPORTANT REMINDER……..DON’T FORGET TO PAY YOUR TAXES……..

¡Muchas gracias!

41 million illegal aliens are depending on you!