Over the last two years, I’ve had a few people question my claim to be WTWM (White Trash With Money) and of having a screwed-up, totally dysfunctional family.
The events that have happened in my life over the last week or so should put any doubts to rest.
I, hereby, swear that every thing that I am about to write is true……unfortunately.
My sister’s kids are losers. No, I’m not being mean. I’m stating a fact. They are screwed-up losers. Well, one of them is not a total loser. He’s just a whiner. But, other than that, he’s pretty much OK. The other two…..holyfreakinmoly…they should have very large L’s tatooed on their foreheads.
I don’t talk to my sister as often as I use to. We use to be really close and talk every week no matter what was going on. She moved away when her husband (our beloved, Butch…whom I miss every day) died. She has a new man in her life and he is really nice and good to her. He is, also, very, very good to her kids who have no qualms about taking advantage of him. They are contantly “borrowing” money…..money that NEVER gets paid back. And, if he ask for it, they all mumble under their breaths calling him a bastard and saying that “he has some nerve!” to ask.
Yep…they are losers. These aren’t the only family members that qualify me as having a dysfunctional family. Oh no….there is my flea-market selling brother who lived in a car wash for about a year. Yeah, I got all kinds of stories about him for later.
And, you’ve already been introduced to “Lacie”…..of Real Redneck Wedding and talking cats fame. I’m sure there will be more stories on her, too.
This post, though, is about two of my sister’s kids.
Her oldest son is a smart guy. He has gone to school for various trades and has always passed/graduated. He has owned a pizza joint, where he made fantastic pizza. He got tired of that. He went to school for some type of resperatory theray and got a job at a hopsital. He got tired of that. He went to school for welding and got a job welding. He got tired of that. So, he started making and selling meth and crack. He didn’t get tired of that. But,, the police did and arrested him. So, that is one strike. He married at 17 years old. His bride was 18. They stayed married for about 10 years and then mutually went there own ways. She is a reliable girl who had worked a steady job for their entire marriage. I guess she got tired of his career changes. That, plus the fact that he was running around with a very large woman named Bev. As soon as wife #1 was out of the picture, he moved in with Bev and her mother. My sister hated both of them….Bev and her mother. I’ll degress for a minute from The Nephew and tell a funny little story that happened with my sister and Bev’s mother. My sister had come for a very rare visit to stay with me. Her son kept calling wanting to borrow money, a car, or something. Then for some reason that I can’t remember, the mother called my sister. They seemed to be having a civil conversation about something. I don’t know what exactly they were talking about because I didn’t want to eavesdrop (plus I knew my sis would tell me everything anyway). My sis hung up the phone ( or thought she did) and said, “I hate that damn bitch!”.
The phone rang immediately. Apparently, my sis had hung up but not before the mother heard what she said. She called back wanting to know why she was being called a bitch. Uh-oh! Sis got caught big time. But, as is human nature for all of us, the first thing that she thought to do was deny it. Well, it couldn’t hardly be denied. That woman was totally pissed off. So much that I could hear her voice coming over the phone even though I was sitting clear across the room. My sis finally just hung up on her and turned her phone off. Then she looked at me, and we both cracked up. We left until tears rolled down both of our faces.
In this post, I will tell you about the two of my sis’s kids that make you go….”Whaaaaat? No, she/he didn’t!”
Mac is my sis’ son….the one with all the trade skills. As I told ya, he is divorced and has taken up with a really large woman named Bev. Mac is had several run-ins with the law over the last couple of years. The first involved his drug-making skills. Mac cooked up a batch of crack and sold it to his sister (who will be the other subject of this post). I don’t know much about meth labs or cookin’ crack up except for documentaries on televsion. So, I don’t know what makes a bad batch of drugs. Could be the wrong ingredients or maybe, not cooked long enough….I don’t know. But, Bobbie bought some bad shit and got sick enough to go to the hospital where she spilled the beans on her brother. I’d say that if you’re shaking, chilling, burning up, puking or whatever and at the ER, most people would not be in the frame of mind to protect the seller of the crap even if it is your own brother. Mac spent some time in jail for that. When Mac got out of jail, he and his hefty honey moved to a new house. Needing furniture and not having any money, Mac and Bev went to one of those rent to own centers and loaded up……living room furniture, bedroom furniture, and a large screen television. Then Mac got hard up for money and sold some of the stuff including the large screen television. The rent-to-own place didn’t take kindly to that and had him arrested. More jail time. In this weekend’s conversation with my sister, she told me that he was arrested again. This time on a domestic battery charge. Did I mention that Bev is a really Big Bertha? Yes, I did but I’ll state it again…..a really Large Marge. And…mean. She’s so big and mean that I hope that she never comes across this post even with the name changes. She will literally kick my ass. On the other hand, I’m sure that she can read. My sister told me that Mac and Large Marge Bev got into another altercation last week. Mac had been receiving text messages from another woman. He claimed that it was a girl that he went to grade school with. Uh huh! Bev got his phone and read all the text messages. I’m not sure if they were romantic in nature or not. Before I go any further, I need to describe Mac. When I describe some of these people, y’all might think that I’m just being a mean biotch. I’m not. They really look like I describe them and they are my family members…so there. Mac is the male version of a Big Bertha. Standing around 5′ 8″, he weighs in at around 200 pounds. He has terrible bucked teeth that needed braces many years ago. One thing that I do like about Mac is that he has an infectious laugh. When he laughs, everybody around him laughs, too. Of course, some of them might be laughing at the site of a bucked-tooth overweight redneck. I’m laughing because he’s laughing.
Back to the text message story…..Bev was mad as hell when she read the messages. She totally ignored Mac trying to give her a explanation of any kind. She went out to the garage and came back in with a sledge hammer. And, she went after Mac with it. She got in a fairly decent blow to his shoulder, missing his head only because he instinctively ducked. She was drawing the hammer back to slug him with it again and he grabbed her by the hair. She lost her footing and fell to the floor. Mac fell right on top of her. She was throwing punches and he was trying to get her off of him.
Somebody (it’s unclear who) called the cops and Mac was arrested on domestic battery. Bev should have been arrested, too, but was not. At the time of my conversation with my sister, Mac was still in county jail.
My sister is so use to this kind of behavior, she didn’t even seem to find it alarming or upsetting that her son is sitting in county jail.
Maybe, that’s because of one of her other kids…..her daughter. Now, I’m dead serious when I say Bobbie is a really loo-loo. She’s my neice so I can talk about her anyway that I want. If you think that I am being cruel when I describe her, than you have never met her. If you do happen to get the opportunity to ever meet Bobbie, you’ll think that I am being kind in her description.
Bobbie is ugly. Bobbie was not born ugly. Bobbie has somehow managed to make herself ugly and gets uglier ever year. Yes, I know that some of y’all are saying, “She shouldn’t say that. Maybe, Bobbie is pretty inside.”
No….Bobbie is not pretty inside. Bobbie possesses every ugly trait that you can think of. She’s a terrible mother. She’s really lazy. Her house is almost unihabitable. And, Bobbie is STUPID. Bobbie recently bought a huge sectional couch. She didn’t think when she bought it whether it would fit into her trailer living room or not. It didn’t. Well, it did if you didn’t have to use the front door or had to exit the living room in a normal manner. The couch was taken home and put into the living room. You couldn’t open her front door more than 6 inches. You had to squeeze yourself into her house and then inch along that monsterous couch to get into the kitchen before you could quit holding your breath. Once in the living area, you had to jump over the couch to get out of it. No joke.
Bobbie is not much into personal hygiene. And, her teeth are more bucked than Mac’s. Or, maybe, they are just more noticable because Bobbie has never made friends with a toothbrush. So, her teeth are bucked and yellow.
Bobbie has a penance for jelly shoes. She has worn jelly shoes since they were popular back in the 80′s (or whatever the decade that jelly shoes were the rage). Bobbie has her original jelly shoes. Bobbie’s jelly shoes are caked with decades of dirt. Apparently, she doesn’t know that plastic/rubber can be washed. Bobbie, also, had a thing for ho’fo’sho’ clothes. No bra. Backless. And, Bobbie is built like a midget wrestler. Thick, no waist. Yes, Bobbie is a unique looking person. She has a lovely shade of red hair. I’m not being sarcastic about that. Her hair color is really pretty. But, she neglects it. She doesn’t wash it often and she usually has it pinned back with some really ugly-ass black bobby pins or a chipped, cracked butterfly clip. She never matches. She will wear a flowery shirt and striped pants. And…those dirty, ugly-ass jelly shoes. And…cracked butterfly clip. I’m not kidding and I’m not exaggerating. She’s a doozy.
Bobbie got married when she was 19 to Arnie. Arnie was a pretty good looking guy. And…clean. To be perfectly honest, our whole family was confused as to why Arnie hooked up with Bobbie. When Arnie’s dysfunctional family and past came to light, we figured that’s why the Arnie/Bobbie hookup happened.
Here’s where this whole post gets very interesting. I am about to tell you of a family tree that may branch a bit but defintely does not fork. You may find it hard to keep up but I’ll probably get mixed up telling it, too.
Arnie and Bobbie have had lots of marital spats. Spats that ended up with them seperating. Following is an account of who was with who and it gets confusing.
First, Arnie ran off with a woman named Carol. Carol’s husband works for my husband. Carol returned and all was OK. Then, Arnie’s sister married Carol’s husband’s brother. Then she divorced Carol’s brother-in-law and married Carol’s brother. Carol’s husband’s brother has a seventeen year old daughter. Arnie left Bobbie and took up with the seventeen year old daughter. Arnie’s sister told my sister that Arnie left Bobbie because she was lazy. I had to laugh when my sister said this,
“Don’t give me that shit. Arnie is not leaving Bobbie because she is lazy. She has always been lazy. She was lazy when he met her. She was lazy when he married her. She’s been lazy for all the years they have been married. He’s not leaving her because she is lazy. He’s leaving her for that 17 year old piece of ass!”
My sister…..gotta love her!!!!!!
So, then, Bobbie took up with Carol’s husband’s brother.
Following me? Confusing, I know.
Then Arnie’s mother took up with Carol’s daddy. Then Arnie’s other sister took up with Carol’s uncle but left him for the uncle of the guy who works for us.
That whole bunch can actually go to a family reunion with different spouses/partners and still see the same people. Jerry Springer would love them.
This is how the relationships were last week when I talked to my sister. Things could have changed by now.
I’m wondering if any of y’all would like to figure out and tell me who is what to whom now?
Don’t tell me that I don’t have a white trash, dysfunctional family ever again.
Could he be hoping to clog up drains with all that corn poop? Hmmm….food for thought, don’tcha think?
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