My St. Patrick’s Day Gift…..

 

Most of y’all know this but just in case one reader happens along while looking for “white trash sex” or “white trash slut” (both rank high in search terms here), I’ll take a sec and explain some things.

1. I am WTWM (white trash with money). I was not born with money. In fact, I grew up dirt poor but worked hard and married a man who, also, works hard. Voila’……instant  long- time- in -the- making financial stability. Well, at least it wasfinancial stability until the market took a nose dive and made my IRA’s worth less than  the Charmin that I use to wipe my ass.

2. I am bipolar. And, recently, I have chosen to become an untreated bipolar. Psych meds are cooked up in motel rooms by an unbathed  transient wearing a wife-beater-with-underarm-sweat-stains shirt. Oh yeah, he’s the med tester, too. (I guess you might say that I have a tad bit of anger and bitterness toward psych docs and the pharma companies. But, that rant is for another day).

3. I am a compulsive shopper.

4. I am a recovering hoarder.

5. No3 and No 4 don’t mix very well.

So, now to what I really wanted to post about today.

I’m half Irish. I think that I deserve a St Paddy’s gift.

I spent part of the day lisitng stuff on eBay. Stuff that I had acquired on one of my frequent shopping sprees. Stuff that I have no use for but are money makers on eBay. I’d be shittin’ in high financial cotton if I could just make myself list all of that crap that I’ve bought on a whim.

I have a problem with looking at stuff on eBay after I have finished listing. Almost every dadgone time, I buy something that cost more than what I will make if every single thing that I listed sells.

This morning, I came across an ugly jug that was really unique. It would look perfect in my ugly mug collection. I started to place a bid but stopped. COMMON SENSE made a rare appearance in my brain. I decided to think about it before I bid. I’ve thought about it almost all day. I am now asking for YOUR help.

Should I or should I not buy this:

 

 

“This Folk Art Face jug is titled `Aretha Franklins Hat.` It is number #32 of my jugs made. She is made from Pinch Pot technique and hand altered. Made of Stoneware Clay that was high fired to cone 6. Aretha Franklin sang ~“My Country Tis of Thee“ at President Obama`s Inauguration. Since then her hat has became famous and a part of American history, Even the Smithsonian wants to acquire the hat to put on exhibit. This jug is 9 inches tall, Cheek to Cheek 6 inches width. Bow to Bow 8 inches width..Thin Walls with no cracks & glazed on the inside and outside , poreclian eyes and teeth, signed S.Boland an original piece no molds are used. Radiant Sun Studio stamped and dated 2009.”

So, whaddya think?

“edited to add” The more that I look at it, the more it looks like Mammy with a piece of tin roofing on her head.

A New Day, A New Dawn…For Me!!!!

 

Yesterday was just plum bad. That’s what my Mama use to say….”plum bad”.

“He’s just plum bad. Nuthin’ good ’bout him.”

When she said that, it meant that we needed to steer clear of that person or we’d meet with no good.

Yesterday was just plum bad. From the get go. I woke up with tears streaming down my face. I had a sad dream but could only remember bits and pieces of it. Somebody was missing. But, the somebody kept changing. The last that I remember of the dream was this…

“I’m creeping across the floor to peek out a window. And, to me relief, the somebody who was missing in this section of the dream had been found. This somebody was my first boyfriend who died from cancer 2 years ago. He was standing outside the window and waving at me and smiling with his twinkling eyes. I’ve always had a thing for twinkling eyes. Twinkling eyes are seem to be promising something good.. Really weird…..

I woke up stiff all over, too. It was like I had been turning around to look behind me while running. Those were the muscles that were stiff…neck, waist, and hips.

After reading blogs and posting comments for a while, I managed to finally get showered and out the door. I needed desperately to go grocery shopping. I hate grocery shopping. TPKen is not the voracious eater that he once was. Most elaborte dishes go unappreciated so I stick to Hamburger Helper, chili, spaghetti, and other simple meals. I mean….why would I continue to waste time and money cooking anything that takes more than 15 minutes? I love cooking for people who like to eat and can appreciate the effort of a good, homecooked meal that takes hours to make. I hate cooking for a person who doesn’t care if it’s a Spamloaf or lobster. So, grocery shopping is no fun for me except when I use coupons. But, that”s no longer good entertainment, either. It’s more like a chore. As y’all know, though, I am so friggin’ OCD about some things, it’s pathetic.

The night before, I made myself grab the telephone book size stack of coupon inserts that I had been saving from the newspapers. I have progressed a little with the obession of coupons. I use to cut EVERY SINGLE COUPON out of the inserts and magazines. It didn’t matter whether it was something that we used. The only thing that mattered was the possibility of getting something free. FREEFREEEFREEFREEE was like a drug for me.That was until one day, I looked in my bathroom closet and among the rows and rows of shampoos, lotions, conditioners, soaps, etc. I spotted 6 KY Jelly Sets of warming lotion and lubricating lotion. That’s when I realized that I was spending a large chunck of time cutting coupons, going shopping, running up and down the aisles in search of a product that I had a coupon for, and pushing a buggy full of shit to the register. Shit of which I only needed about 60%. Then, once I got home, I had to put away the groceries AND all of the shit that I didn’t need/want/had no place to put.

That was my day of reckoning….THE DAY OF KY JELLY SHOCK!

I’ve gotten better with small baby steps. I started cutting only coupons for products that either my household, TPSkipper’s and TPMidge’s households, or any friend/family households regularly used.

I soon had to take another couple of baby steps when I realized that I had not cut back much at all. So, I determined to cut back to only TPSkipper, TPMidge, and my households. This didn’t work very well, either. TPSkipper and TPMidge either didn’t want to drag the stuff (that I was positively sure they needed) home. They said that they would just use it when they were at my house. Well, OK…I thought. But, just how many visits would they have to make at a certain time of month to use up the industrial size box of mini-pads that I bought on clearance with a coupon which equalled almost free?  And, in the meantime, I had to find somewhere else to keep all of the shampoos, lotions, washes, etc. because that damn industrial size box took up all my space in the closet.  And, TPS got a little snippy one day when I suggested that she use some of the min-pads.

“Mom…stop it! I’m not even having my period right now!”….said TPS.

So, I suggested that she put a few in her purse for unexpected visits from Aunt Flo or a sudden nasty yeast infection. Of course, I was hollering this at her back as she got in her car to leave. I didn’t here her answer but I think the vigorous shaking of her head and mouthing “You Are Nuts” at me made me realize that she did not want them. So, Goodwill became the recepient of a gigantic box of minipads. Also, 23 Right Guard solids (TPK only uses spray). However, I couldn’t bear to part with my many, many (I’ve lost count) different razors that I got with coupons for free. The fact is that TPK and myself only use Gillette Good News Disposables. Still, some hairy guy might come by and need to shave and it would be just terrible if I didn’t have a Titanium razor that needs refills to offer him to use.

On Wednesday night, I pulled out all of those coupon inserts, got my scissors, and sat down to clip. But, my heart was just not in it. A crazy thought came into my head….DID IDARE GO SHOPPING WITHOUT COUPONS? COULD I BE THAT BRAVE? Naaawh….but I resigned myself to only cutting the coupons for stuff that we actually use. This was a liberating action. But, there were so many inserts of coupons that I got that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that I get when I think about paying full price. I had neglected cutting coupons for so long and I dreaded it.

SO, I DIDN”T! “You can do it!”, I told myself.

Yesterday, I left my house with coupons that had already been cut. Not strong enough yet to go coupon naked. I’m trying to get there.

Before going to the grocery store, I was obsessed with going to that local dept. store that I talk about where I get great name brand stuff on clearance for a buck or two. You know the store….where The Ladies Man bought those hearsty red boxers. I can wander around in that store for hours and hours. And, I did. Shit! Once again, I lost track of time. I just enjoy finding the real bargains so much that I think of it as therapy. Much cheaper than paying an actual therapist. I don’t take my cellphone in so I feel free of demands from family or the outside world. I had been buying lots and lots and lots of bags full of stuff on clearance there. I had been putting a lot of it on eBay. But,now, along with the rest of the economy, eBay is in the toilet. Nothing is selling. If you need anything, this would be a great time to shop on eBay. I still have boxes full of stuff that has not been exiled to the garage by TPKen. He thinks that if I don’t see it, I’ll forget about it, and he can get rid of it. WRONG! I know that it’s there.

Yesterday was a little different. I did buy 4 bags of stuff. Most of it was stuff that TPKen or I could actually use. I have to admit, though, that I did throw in a few items for eBay (just in case the economy picks up and size 3XL women or 2XL men want to spend their stimulus money on clothes). Right now, though, as I type, I am looking at a bunch of crap that I need to put away somewhere. Those big clothing items take up room!

 I had spent way too much time wandering the clearance aisles. It was getting late and I still had to go to the grocery store. So, with coupons in hand,I went to Kroger’s. I tried to hurry. At first, I had strong impusles to use my coupons. The first three aisles went really slow as I was trying to match the coupon, number of items needed for coupon, and size of item required by coupon. Somewhere between Quaker Oats and cottage cheese, a voice inside of my head said, “FUCK THIS!”.  I tried to ignore it but while looking at baby wipes (I don’t have a baby but those suckers are great to clean bathrooms), the voice said, “You are wasting your life doing this crap! Lay the coupons down and step away from them real easy-like”. The voice sounded like Dirty Harry. Dirty Harry means business so…

I broke and ran!  Being afraid that Harry was going to follow me, I hid my coupons underneath the stuff in my buggy. This turned out to be a good thing. I no longer was looking thru the coupons BUT I knew they were safe in the buggy.

I went through the next several aisles as if my ass were on fire. Checked out. Saved a few bucks with coupons. Wanted to punch myself for paying full price for an item when I knew darn well that there was a coupon laying under the 5lb bag of onions in my buggy.

While I was loading my groceries in my car, I cursed myself. Then, I congratulated myself. Then, I cursed myself some more. Then, I congratulated myself while cursing.

Although, this story might be funny, obsessions and hoarding are serious problems. And, they don’t evaporate over night. I’ve got a lot more baby steps to take. This is what I was telling myself when I stepped in a gob of slick mud and fell. I wrote this in one of my comments yesterday. If you read it, bear with me while I repeat it.

I had taken the first armload of groceries in and was heading back to my car for another. Our walk is made of individual stepping stones. TPKen started the project and (SURPRISE SURPRISE! yep, being sarcastic) hasn’t finished it. He is OCD and a real perfectionist. He HAS to do thing in the order that he thinks they need done. This is a good thing as he is an engineer and makes his living being OCD. It is a bad thing when he does not finish a project because he has decided that Step 2, Step 3, etc. HAVE to come next. The trouble with that is his steps make no sense to me. Having said that, we have a beautiful country stone walk…..bordered by inches of gooey mud. His logical thinking has him deciding that whoknowswhat has to be done before grass is planted.

I was almost at my car when I stepped off one of the stones and stuck my foot in 2-3 inches of slick, gooey mud. My foot went sliding and of course, was followed by my leg, butt, etc. I did one of those stupid little gymnastic-like moves trying to right myself before I hit the ground. It seemed like a went into slo-mo and could see myself. I almostgot myself upright. ALMOST. My blanance was a tad bit off and down I went.  Somehow, I slid about a foot in that damn mud. My knees hit gravel. The right side of my face hit dirt and gravel. I had slid far enough for my head to bounce off a tree. I was covered completely on one side with mud. I lay there for a minute and cursed the universe (mostly TPKen).

Finally, I slowly dragged myself up with the help of loose bark on the tree. I had the air knocked out of me. I bent over, held onto the tree, and gasped for air.

And that is how TPKen found me when he drove up less than a minute later.

“What’cha doing?” he asked.

“Tryin’ to figure how big the roots are on this tree, dumbass! What does it look like, Einstein? I fell”……I said using his pet names.

For Heaven’s sake, I was covered in mud on one side, had gravel on my face, and could barely straighten up!

“Oh…OK. Got any groceries in the back of the car? “he asked.

I won’t risk an X rating of my blog by writing the words that came out of my mouth.

Anyway…..today is a new day. I’m going to WalMart. I’ve got coupons for free stuff!!!!!

You, Too, Can Manage Your Anger!….

I’m pretty easy going really. I haven’t always been,though.

I used to be one hellova redneck woman who was ready to fight anybody anytime anywhere. It took me years of self examination (and psych examination) to realize that a constant stew of anger and rage only hurts me.  Revenge is best left to Chuck Norris in a kickass movie. Plotting the torment or demise of somebody who has wronged you really eats up too much time and energy. Not saying that I don’t have my moments, though. I’ve just found ways of dealing with them that will not put me in the big-house trading ciggies for protection from  a butch girlfriend named Bertie. The last time that I got really, really pissed off was at a guy in a pickup truck who was tailgating me on a narrow, winding road. He had gun racks. He was big and bald. I stopped my car in the middle of the road, got out, and went back and screamed at him to get off my ass. Luckily, he did. He probably thought that I was a seriously dangerous demented woman. Later in the day, I had this thought….”OMG! What if HE was a seriously dangerous demented man? He could have taken me out with one good punch!”. That’s when I decided to change from a confrontional redneck woman to a sneaky get-the-last-laugh redneck woman.

So, I don’t go around with thoughts of punching this one or that one in the throat anymore.

Don’t get me wrong, though. I’m still no saint.

 I’ve just developed a few less-harmful (and less likely to be arrested) ways of coping.

Feel free to adapt them to your own angry situations:

1. Glitter….glitter is a very effective method of venting anger/getting revenge.

Go to the dollar store/Wally World and buy a package that contains several small vials of different colored glitter. Keep it in your purse, pocket, or anywhere else that is handy and easy to get to. When someone pisses you off, take out the glitter. Wait until they turn their back and pour some in your hand. Then gently blow it onto the back of their hair. They will be walking around the rest of the day looking like the backside of a glitter fairy. Hopefully, no one will be brave enough to tell them that they have glittered hair for fear of thinking that they wanted glitter hair. Even if they are told, you can sit and laugh to yourself for a long time to come picturing them trying to remove the glitter.

Glitter is, also, useful, in mail. Being sick and tired of all those credit applications that I receive in the mail prompted me one day to come up with this idea…..pour a little glitter into the enveolope, stick the credit ap in and mail it back. I still have the picture of that enveloped being opened and glitter spilling out onto all of the other applications on a desk. But, my fav glitter revenge was done at a doctor’s office. The doc was an arrogant, dismissive ahole. After he left the room for me to get dressed, I opened one of his drawers and blew a little glittery happiness onto his script pad, stethoscope, and various other items. It didn’t hurt too bad paying his outlandish office fee after that. I spent the rest of the day hoping that he had to use one of those items that day.

2. Sign ‘em up for something……after a very long time of putting up with my husband’s first wife’s demands and crap, I really wanted to stick her head in a freezer door and slam the door a few dozen times. But, I did not. Instead, I started signing her up for magazines (ex. Adam and Eve adult product mag).  It wasn’t until years later when Trailerparkskipper was getting married and her soon-to-be-hubby’s friend signed her up at my address to receive this same item that I realized exactly what I had done. Have you ever tried to get off of their list? You can throw that brown wrappered mag away all you like but eventually, you have to open it in order to find out how to get off of their damn mailing list. At least, the ex got her mail delivered to the privacy of her home and didn’t have to pick it up at a local post office. It’s not easy going in to buy stamps after retrieving a plain brown wrapper from your post office box. Nor, is it amusing to run into your pastor, neighbors, or local dirty ol’ man while carrying this item out of the post office. I didn’t dare throw it away with my name on it!

I, also, pledged money in her name to a local telethon. Our town is not all that big. Almost everybody recognizes the names that are read out loud to give recognition to the genrous pledgers. And, you get a reminder (and a second, third and fourth reminder) to back up your pledge with moolah. I figured that the worst thing that could possibly come out of this would be that the charity would get a donation.

3. Loudly pray for them….in their presence…….if you are confronted with someone who curses you, takes your parking space, or does any other purposeful act to you in public, just start praying as loud as you can for the strength to forgive them. I guarantee you that this will either prod them into an apology or scare them away from you really fast. Yes, I have done this one, too.

 

4. Refer them to telemarketers/Jevhovah’s Witness/kids selling school stuff, etc…..y’all know how annoying telemarketers can be once you land on their list, right? Y’all, also, know how persistant Jehovah’s witnesses, door to door sales (including school kids, foreign exchange students selling books, etc) are, too, Here is a neat way to get them to quit bothering you and get your lil piece of revenge at the same time. But, this only works on people in your neighborhood who have wronged you. Just tell the person who has come to your door that you are very busy taking care of a sick child, a vomiting dog, a fire in your kitchen, etc. and you do not have the time to buy/listen/sign-up, etc. BUT you do know for a fact that the family/person across the street/down the block/that lives behind (or in front) of you was just mentioning that very morning how much they wish that someone would come by selling/preaching/soliticing signatures, etc. They will practically run from your house in the direction of the address that you gave them. For a little extra pazzazz, tell them the person is hard of hearing and that will have to talk really LOUDLY. Yes, I have done this one but not for revenge but as a prank. I don’t know if this is a local thing or if y’all have this……we have a couple of local companies that run “meat trucks”. Refrigerated trucks that they sell meat out of which I do not recommend buying. Just about a month ago, a young man came to my door trying to do his very best to interest me into buying some “mighty good” steaks. I didn’t hear much after the first few words because the stream of snot running down his nose that he kept swiping at with his shirt sleeve distracted me. I excused myself from the conversation, went into the kitchen, and grabbed him a paper towel. I handed it to him, told him that I was a vegan, and sent him on his way to one of my neighbor’s houses. I assured him that they were big-time meat consumers. When I ran into her later, I asked if the “meat wagon” had come by and she said that she had a really hard time getting rid of him because someone had told him that her family just loved meat. I told her did not tell her that it was me because she is really redneck and probably could whoop my ass without breaking a sweat.

I started this post two days ago. Since then, I have had a pissed off situation.

As I have confessed to y’all before, I am a compulsive shopper/hoarder. Actually, I can proudly say that I no longer fit the true description of a hoarder. I no longer have a desire to keep all of the stuff that I buy. These days, I don’t mind donating the huge packages of Depends, the size 2 jeans, or the case of yams with exprired dates to needy causes.  BUT, I do still feel compulsed to shop for things that I have no use for at all. There is a local store that has a bag sale about once a month…..all you can fit into a bag for just 15 dollars. About 99 percent of the time, I buy stuff that I use or can sale on eBay. Yesterday, they had a bag sale and I was there waiting in line with  my friendsthe other compulsive shoppers (women that I know only thru the bag sales). As soon as the door opened, I headed to a 3 tiered wire bin that had hand painted bracelets, earrings, and other jewelry intending to grab a few handfuls. I ran into a problem in the form of a very rude lady that I had run-ins with before. She is a grabber. A grabber is a person who literally grabs anything and everything and stuffs it into their buggy for later inspection before paying. . She was blocking my way.

I said, “Excuse me. I just want to reach around you and get a couple of those bracelets for my daughters.”

She didn’t budge one inch. Louder, I said, “EXCUSE ME! Could you move over just a couple of inches?”

She said…..OMG! I’m still fuming about this….she said, “WHEN I’M DONE. I’LL MOVE!”

It was apparent that she was not going to be done until she had snagged everything out of the wire bins.

And, this pissed me off! I said, “You are the rudest damn person that I have ever met!”

She didn’t even look at me or answer. What a ahole GRABBER.

So, I decided that while she wasn’t looking, I would take stuff out of her buggy and put it in mine. But then, I figured that it would be better if I took stuff out of her buggy and put it elsewhere in the store. And, I did. When GRABBER had totally emptied the bin (except for some broken crap), she turned around to her buggy and saw….hahahha….it was practically empty. Meanwhile, I was busy loading up on socks a few feet away. She came over to my buggy expecting to find her stuff but I didn’t have it. Yes, I know that this is childish. But, damn, it felt good.

I’m sure that I will have run-ins with Grabber again. And, I’m plotting ahead. I think a stickpin in the ass might make her move next time.

Hoarding and Freaks on Ebay…….

Most of my regular readers (God bless the 3 of you!) know that I sell stuff on eBay. I have to. Not because I need the dough all that much, but because if I didn’t, a documentary crew would show up on my doorstep to do a doc on hoarding. Actually, I’m now a semi-hoarder. I still buy loads of crap that I have no use for but it doesn’t bother me any longer when I need to get rid of it. Now, I buy it and either give it away or sell it on eBay. Just today, I went to a bag sale. A bag sale is where you buy a large bag and stick everything that you can fit in it for $15.00. I bought 2 bags. I really only wanted some stuff that would have filled up maybe a quarter of a bag but being the good lil’ hoarder that I am, I just had to stuff those suckers so full that the tops wouldn’t even close.

I, also, went to an auction on Friday nite. Auctions use to be a regular thing with me and hubby. At local auctions, they offer box deals. A box deal will go for $1to $2. I’d go up and peek in the box and see one or two things that are useful and end up with a huge box full of broken crap that I then, had to get rid of. Plus, I’m a pity bidder. If the auctioneer is working his/her butt off and nobody is bidding (because he/she is auctioning broken, useless crap), I always feel sorry for them and end up bidding on stuff that is not even worthy of the dump.

I quit out of necessity. I was spending too much time and money hauling boxes of broken toys, stained blankets, broken eyeglasses and other crap to the dump.

Friday nite, the auctioneer was a woman that I know. She’s a very nice woman and I started feeling the “pity pull” and knew that I needed to leave. But, of course, I didn’t. I didn’t do too awful, though. I ended up with only one box of junk that I had to get rid of but I, also, bought 2 mannequin legs. I love those legs! I’ve got all kinds of great ideas to use those legs. My plan was to get a piece of glass and make a table. And, at Christmas, I could envision a small Christmas tree sitting on them. I was mightily disappointed when I got home and realized that they were 2 different sizes. I don’t care. I’m keeping them!!!!!!

and the freaks are coming out again on eBay.

First, I had a person whom I presumed was a woman buy a pair of earrings from me. Later, in the mail, I got this fabulous card written in beautiful, long-hand writing. It was from “Queenie B” who wrote about about his life and his drag show performances. He/she was very nice. I wish that I would hear from Queenie B again.

Next, I got an email with more curse words in it than I think even street gangs knew existed. I would just love to copy and past the whole thing here (cause I kept it for when I needed a good laugh). “Kozzy” also capitalized the whole profane laden message. See, here’s what happened…..he bought a Columbia jacket from me. I mailed it in a box. The idiot opened the box by sticking a 9 inch knife right down the middle of the top. Guess what happened? Dumbass ripped a 6 inch slit in the jacket. He was very upset. But, rather than admit that he had really screwed up, he blamed me. And, he sent me several emails that called me every nasty name you can think of and became quite threatening. I just told him to get his ass back on the short bus and learn how to write. I never heard from him again.

Last week, I sold some Spanx on eBay. You gals know what Spanx are but most of you guys (‘cept for Queenie B) might not know. Spanx are figure slimming undergarments….kinda like the girdles your moms wore but upated. I sold six pairs of them. I thought everyone was happy with their purchases until I got this in my email…..

“I received Spanx today. These are not new as your listing stated. Although they are in pretty good shape, they have been hand-sewn(poorly)with black thread on the leg to repair where they have come apart. Your listing clearly states they are new. Although these are worth something, they are NOT worth what I paid. Any suggestions?”

Let me just say in my defense that they were new. But, I’ve learned that unless it involves a big ticket item, just don’t argue. So, I sent her an email……

“I am very sorry that you are unhappy with your purchase. Those Spanx were sold to me as new and I’ve had no complaints from other customers. But, if you found a flaw, please just tell me what you think they are worth and I will fix it. Thanks“

Then I get this email back…..

“I don’t know what you are talking about. I never emailed you about anything.”

WTF?

So, I fired off an email….

“I’m sorry. I got an email from this address. I hit reply to answer to it. Something screwy is going on.”

I get this one back….

“I have not received any communication from you except the one shown below. (which is the one I posted above) Therefore, I am unsure what you are referring to. I did not receive a proposed solution from you to respond to.”

Thanks,

Debbie

So, of course, I email her back repeating everything I said in the earlier email about the Spanx.

Her reply……

I do not know what you are talking about. Please stop bothering me!”

So, now I’m getting really confused. Is Debbie a multiple personality. Or, did Debbie’s husband or significant other order the Spanx and was hiding the fact. This was getting weirder and weirder.

Now, I was getting leery of emailing Debbie. I didn’t know what to do.

A few minutes ago, I got this email……

“I absolutely sent you that email. However, in your response to me you made reference to sending 2 emails to me, which I did not receive. I only received the one below:

Hi again
I’m going to be gone most of the day. I didn’t want you to think that I wasn’t answering you if you emailed me back (I sent one email already). I’ll check when I get home and see what you want to do.
Thanks

Therefore, when you referenced that you would see what I wanted to do, I do not know what you mean. As I did not receive the first email (which you referenced sending) I am assuming that you suggested a solution to this problem in that email that was not received. I still do not know what your proposed solution is, although I would like to. As I stated before, I am sure they are worth something, but they are certainly not worth what I paid for them. They are not new, as clearly stated in your listing. I am still waiting to hear your solution.”

I am pretty much convinced that Debbie is not always Debbie. Debbie is sometimes “Sybil”. Or Debbie’s husband wears women’s under garments and is running interference on messages.

I’ve had enough. I am going to PayPal and refund all the money. And, I don’t give a damn which one of them get it.

Debbie

The Hallelujah, Amen Shopping Experience

As you my faithful readers (all 3 of you) know, I am addicted to shopping and hoarding. A black belt shopaholic…..that’s me. Not just any shopping. NO! NO! NO! It must be bargain shopping. That’s where I get my high. Finding something that is 90 percent (or more) off. Or, having a coupon and doubling it to get something free.

There are several problems with this:

1. Piles of crap that I don’t need or cannot use.

2. Eats up lots of time.

3. Even if you find something that is worth $50 for $5 bucks and it’s not something you can use, you have still spent $5 bucks. Or, like in my case, maybe, $50 because you decided that it’s such a great bargain that you’ll go ahead and buy 10! Now, you’ve got 10 pair of men’s 52W by 29L pants that you don’t have a clue what to do with. I’ve done this. The first few times, I decided that I could make a killin’ on eBay. My theory was that most really obese people won’t shop. I neglected to take in the strong possibility that they have people who go shop for them. So….anyone need some really, really big pants?

I could write an entire book on compulsive shopping and the high you get from it. Or, one on hoarding. And, one day, I just might do that.

But, today, I want to write about one particular experience that I had recently.

There is a great store in our town. It is own by two brother’s and over the last few years, they had expanded and have stores in 3 states now. These brother’s got an idea about 10 years ago. They bought lots of items from stores going out of business. Or, manufactures that had made too many things. Or, slightly irregular stuff. The stuff that they buy is top fashion name brands. Clothes, accessories, jewelry, purses, etc. I love that place. I just bought a $70 purse for $4.99.

But, as I mentioned, some stuff is irregulars….might have a tiny hole, or might be mis-sized, etc.

Their inventory is constantly changing. And, as a result, they clearance a lot of stuff. Now, this is where you can really get some good buys. Something that retails in other stores for $100, sales at this store for $9.99, and clearance down to $3!!!!! Sounds swell? It is unless you buy bags and bags of shit that you have no use for like I do.

Last week, they started their tent sale. It’s not really a tent but a little side shop next to their big store. I simply cannot resist going to that sale. After a few days, they mark the clearance stuff to half off and then do a bag sale. Fill an entire bag for $10. I’m a master at stuffing stuff in bags.

So, off I snuck to the tent sale. It was on a Saturday and hubby was home. He just about has a shit fit when I go to these sales. He has been complaining for a long time about all the stuff that I have accumulated. So, that’s why I had to make up an excuse about buying a Mother’s day gift for his Mother even though I already had her gift bought, wrapped and ready to go.

Each time, I get within site of the store, my stomach starts doing flip-flops in anticipation.

I arrived at the tent sale. It was raining outside and a really dreary day. To my surprise, I was the only shopper. It’s usually buzzing with shoppers. I felt giddy. I was going to be able to take my time and look at everything without having to reach over people to grab stuff. It can get ugly in there sometimes.

I was taking my time, looking at everything…….gigantic underwear, stuffed animals that said “Golfing is my life”, napkins with fish on them, Lane Bryant extra large belts…..in other words, stuff that I have no use for.

But, I was really enjoying it. I had a bad week and this was the therapy that I needed. A little later, another lady came in and she apparently knew the sales clerk. They began talking about God, church, blessings, etc. I was not eavesdropping. They were talking loud and the store was small. I couldn’t help but overhear them. And, I was enjoying their conversation. I’ve been having a hard time spiritually lately and this was a needed boost.

Then the lady left. This is where things got a little weird. I told the clerk that I had enjoyed hearing them talk so joyfully about their faith. Little did I know that I had just opened a can of worms. Well, not worms. Can’t call God-talk worms. What I had opened was a big ol’ can of AMEN!!!!!

I was looking at some baby clothes (no babies in our family), when I heard this….

“Thank you, Lord, for this day…………..”

The clerk was praying. And praying very loudly. Now, I’ve always been taught to bow my head during prayer so I did. The prayer went on…and on…and on. Finally, she said “Amen”. So, I lifted my head and said, “Amen”, too.

I was looking at some T-shirts that were only a buck! Now, these, I could actually. Nike, Timberland, etc. But, then I noticed that Nike was spelled Nkie and Gap was messed up and looked like “Gab” only with a stick on the bottom of the b. My mind was in overdrive wondering if I could fix any of these mistakes and pass these shirts off as bday gifts or Christmas gifts when I heard…….

“Our most loving and comforting Father, I want to thank you for this day, and tomorrow’s day…….”

She was praying again. I’m not lying. So, what could I do? I bowed my head. This prayer was a little longer and a little louder than the first. It was a nice prayer, really. And, I waited for her to finish with a great big “Hallelujah, Amen!”

Again, I did the only thing that one could do and did an “Amen and Hallelujah!” myself.

I looked at my watch. I had been in there too long and needed to go home. But, I had even begun to touch my need for stuff.

I went into supershop mode and hurried thru the next 2 racks. I was 2 racks from being finished! When…

and I swear, that I am not lying. This is a totally true story. No exaggeration.……

there she went again…….

“Father, I love you and thank You for.…….

Now, listen, people. I love Father, too. I really, really do. But, I didn’t to get my fix and get out of there. But, I bowed my head again.

This time before the grand finish of loud “AMENS”, the manager came into the store with a cart full of merchandise that needed priced.

So, now I bowed my head and said silently,

“THANK YOU, GOD! HALLELUJAH!:

I checked out and left. I thought about this odd, religious experience on the way home. I found myself wishing that I had that much spirit and guts to stop people in their tracks and make them bow their heads.

PS Does anybody need 5 rocket shaped pillows or 2 size 0 pinkvelvet track pants?

I Superglued My Tongue…..

Just another mundane Monday. Until I superglued my tongue on accident. Of course, it was an accident. What idiot would purposely put superglue on their tongue?????

I decided to try once again to attack my Haven of Hoarding and toss, organize, repair, etc. some of my many precious treasures. Like the broken dentures that I offered to any of you who need them on a post before. Or, the stacks of dozens of T-shirts with slogans like “Cap’s Crab Citchen” or “I’m With Stupid” with the arrow pointing up and so forth. And, then there are the boxes of toys that I keep meaning to surrender to Toys for Tots but forget to.

After much debating with myself, I decided to do something easy like glue some beads back on some bracelets that I might give away to some winos up town. Just can’t bedazzle those drunks enough. I think that it might be good for their self-esteem to have some bling-bling on their wrists while tipping the bottle. I came across a rather pretty bangle bracelets with two stones missing. Luckily, I had kept the stones in a baggie taped to the bracelet! I’m so Martha Stewartish!!!! So, a trip downstairs to the kitchen junk drawer (where I found some other handy items like one rubber glove and 2 empty tape dispensers), and back up the stairs I ran slowly walked to fix the bracelet. And here’s what happened….

I bought a handy tube of superglue that comes out a pointed tip when you squeeze it. Except, I squeezed it and squeezed it and didn’t see even a drop come out. I kept squeezing and of course, a lot came out. So much came out, that when I put the stone in, it slid around. Not wanting to touch the glue, I got a paper clip and eased the stone into the setting which worked. Except, there was so much glue that it was running down the side of the paper clip and onto my hand.

Of course, I didn’t want the superglue on my hand because I’ve had incidents with superglue and fingers before. I’ve had escapades of gluing my fingers together. OUCH! It sure as hell hurts pulling your fingers apart and leaving the skin of one finger on another finger. So, being the MENSA (maybe, that’s menstrual) brainiac that I am, I hurriedly licked the glue off my finger. Just as I was congratulating myself for avoiding blistered fingers again, I realized that the superglue was now on my tongue.

Oh, Theeze! Thwat thdo I thdo thnow? Rinse it off…..duh!!!! Of course, drink a bunch of liquid. Don’t panic! DO NOT PANIC!!!!! So, I ran over and gulped down a big drink of Pepsi. Oh, did I mention that I like to freeze Pepsi and drink it like an Icee? That Pepsi sure tasted declicious! But, I did NOT count on the Pepsi/Ice freezing the superglue on my tongue, thereby created a hard mass of glue on tongue. Oh great….now I’ve got what looks like a frozen mass of herpes or tumor on my tongue.

Then, but of course, the damn phone rang. I looked at the caller ID to make sure that it wasn’t an important call. Oh shit! It was my eye doctor’s office. I had been trying to get in touch with them for over a week. I had left messages….at first nice ones, then rather chilly ones, and finally threatening ones. Ya see, my eye doctor had his license suspended three months after he did my laser eye surgery. Seems he was a druggie. A druggie that did surgery on my eyeballs! I had no choice but to answer the call.

“Thaello!

” This is Doctor A****** office returning your call”.

“Oh. I thneed an thappointment bethause my theyes are rethervting bthact to the thway they thwere”.

“Excuse me? I’m sorry. I couldn’t understand what you were saying”.

Great! Friggin great! I’m trying to tell them that I think I’m going blind and I sound like a drunk wino (wearing a lovely bracelet).

What could I do? I hung up. More important things to worry about right now…..like the fact that my tongue felt like it had a huge chunk of concrete on it.

Whattodowhattodowhattodo? Loofa…..yeah, loofa or buff puff pad. I hurriedly went downstairs to my bathroom and grabbed a buff puff pad. For you guys out there, a buff puff pad looks like a scouring brush for midget size car tires. I set about scouring my tongue……really hard! AHA! The glue seemed to be coming off. Along with tongue skin. But finally, I made enough progress that only a dime size piece of glue was left and I figured that it would sooner or later wear off with eating and drinking.

However, I overlooked one thing……my tongue is red and swollen in the glue-removed spot. Damn, I still gotta call the eye doctor back. I’m just thankful that it wasn’t my therapist on the phone. I had left messages for her, too.

SOS…..I’m In Survey Hell!

   As the regular readers know, I am up to my eyeballs in items that I have bought on clearance sales. I’m an admitted addictive shopper and hoarder. I’ve been trying to break these bad habits with all kinds of substitute behavior. I’ve tried everything. Well, not everything. I haven’t tried timbering or being a rap artist, yet.

Ya know those annoying emails that you get about doing surveys for money and rewards?  Well, that’s my new substitute behavior. And, it’s not going so well.

Here’s what I have discovered……if you take one survey, you will get a bazillion other survey companies emailing you. This is not good for someone with addictive behavior patterns. Believe me…..I know!

It seemed easy enough. Get paid a couple of bucks for every survey that I take. Definitely not a way to get rich but at least I wouldn’t be out shopping. Right?

So, I signed up with one of the survey companies. After filling out a complete profile form, I got directed to a survey. After spending 5 minutes on that survey, I found out that my profile did not qualify me to finish it. Another survey…….5 more minutes wasted. And, 5 more and 5 more…until a hour had gone by and I had not had the opportunity to earn my precious $1.50. CURSES!!!!!!

With a big sale begging me to come, I got a great idea. I changed my profile on every survey. I was female/male/Hispanic/Native American/Oriental and more. I worked as a car salesman/a psych doc/a Burger King counter person/a horse trainer/a nanny/a chef/a Los Vegas blackjack dealer and more. I was 15 yrs old/67 years old/23 years old and more.  I was so many things that I started getting confused.

When I realized that I had signed on to one as a pregnant, 59 year old, male model, I knew that I had to quit.

But, now, I’m totally swamped with surveys. So many surveys that I am thinking of changing my email address.

One thing that I did NOT do was give out my real phone number.  I have nightmares about answering the phone 50 times a day with a surveyor on the other end.

Take my advice….shopping and hoarding is easier and probably a lot saner.

On Hoarding, Again…..Anybody Need Some Really Old False Teeth?

Here I go again…..with my hoarding report.

I swore on my granny’s grave and pledged a solemn crossed-my-heart-and hope-to-die not to buy crap that I can’t use. I’ve done fairly well with this promise to myself as of right now. No promises for the future, though. So, after giving myself an allowable amount of grieving time for all the great bargains that got away from me, I decided that it was time to tackle the piles of stuff that I had bought. I really needed to do something about the mountains of crates in my office. Did I mention that I’m OCD (which lead to the hoarding to start with)? So, I am caught between a rock and a hard place. …seriously in need of ridding myself of all this crap and unwilling to give up my precious collections.

There are several different schools of thought on why people like me hoard. I think the root of my problem has several different aspects. The fact that I was dirt poor growing up and learned to cherish what few posessions that I had plays a big part. Also, I acknowledge that shopping feels up something missing in my life. Now, mix in the fact that I am a #1 cheap-ass and voila’…..a clearance, bargain shopper is born.

I got up this morning and decided that today was THE DAY. I found a million little things that I just had to do before THE BIG JOB. Finally, I put my foot down and said, “Look, you’ve got to do it!” Actually, that’s kind of a lie, I actually said, “You’ve got to do it or you won’t have anywhere to put anymore stuff.” There, I came clean and admitted it.

I took the stairs slowly, giving myself some time to get my nerve up and swiftly run through my head what my inventory was. Then, I planted my feet firmly and dug in.

First, the huge crate of baby clothes and items. I have no babies but figured these would make great baby shower gifts. Actually, enough shower gifts for a small (OK..medium…alright…LARGE) sized village in Timbuktoo. Nah….I’ll just put those aside for awhile. They really could be useful if I ever start making dolls or adopted a tribe of Amazon kids.

Next, the enormous amount of scrapbooking supplies….stickers, books, ribbon, etc. I could probably sell these on eBay. But, what if I get bored and decide to start scarpbooking? I’ll just leave those for now.

HOT DAMN! No, really…..an actual bottle of Hot Damn liqour. I bought it about 3 years ago on the advice of my beautician who on the advice of her square dancing teacher bought some for flu and congestion. I remember trying it. I’m not sure if it worked on the congestion but it did make you not care if you were congested. I probably should throw it away. Why did I keep it? For the HOT DAMN label, of coure.

Next, I found an old embalming kit. Hey, I wondered where that went. I bought it at an estate auction about 5- 6 years ago just to freak my kids out. The trouble, though, is I stuck it in my stack of valuables and forgot to threaten my kids with it.

How ’bout that autographed and framed picture of Bob Barker? I got it as a joke from my daughter. But, ya know, since Bob retired, it might be valuable. I’d better hang on to it.

So many things that I might use one day.

This was getting to be much harder than I thought. I had to come up with some things for which I could not find some reason to keep.

And then…….there they were……some really old false teeth. Why on earth did I buy false teeth that belonged to someone a long time ago. Someone that I didn’t even know.

Hmmmm……then, I remembered. I bought them at an auction. That was during tmy artist (what a joke) period when I had decided that I would do a huge sculpture of odd things.

Now, these, I could throw away. Or,could I? I might run into a toothless person who could use them. They could just get them fixed. Oh, I forgot to mention that about 1/3 of the teeth were missing.

With much reluctance , I tossed the false teeth in the up til then empty “get rid of” box. OK…now, I had a start. What next?

I took a break. I knew that if I didn’t get away from the box holding only a pair of old false teeth, I would be tempted to rescue them.

Tomorrow is a new day. Who knows that else I might find. I’m gonna DO IT! I swear….I QUIT….I’m downsizing. I’m cleaning out.

Hmmm….the false teeth would make a geat conversation piece as a wind chime. Don’tcha think?

Happy Happy Joy Joy….I Bought A Urine Sample Jar!

  Looks something like this only has Urine Speicmen Bottle imprinted on the side!

There’s Nothing Like A City-Wide Flea Market…..to make a hoarding shopoholic feel like they have died and gone to heaven. As I’ve already said, I bought a really old urine sample bottle. Why? WTF knows? It was there. I saw it. I bought it. I think that I’m going to use it as a vase.

Wanna know what else a shopoholic hoarder buys?……

Two Spice dolls…..Scary and Sporty

Three Happy Days Dolls….Fonzie, Al, and Ritchie

One set of Star Trek dolls….The Captain and some blonde headed chick (Actually, they are Barbie and Ken dressed up like Star Trek characters. Mattel thought they could fool people but it’s obviously B and K in space suits)

A table made out of an old log. I don’t consider this buy to be frivolous. I like it. And, I already have a bench like it.

A red cup/shot/glass/whothehellknows glass that has a naked man bent over the top. Actually, he’s on more than the top. It’s hard to describe. And, I don’t know what it is or what it is for but once again….it was there, I saw, I bought.

An original Smurf comic book

I don’t have a clue where I’m going to put this stuff. Seriously. But, at least I didn’t buy the old life-size clown that I was considering. Well, actually, the reason was it was too big to hide from my husband. I considered all the possibilities of disguising it to look like something else. None were practical or workable. How can you hide a six foot clown? But, that clown would have been so cool beside my 1940′s fun house carnival mirror.

This has got to stop. I’ve figured out the answer. If I’d just stay home, then I would not be tempted. And that sounds like a good solution….right? But, I never make it for more than 2 days. According to psychology, this buying is feeling up a hole in my life. I’ve got news for psych docs…..there is no hole in my life/house. It’s filled up with junk.

So, on the way home from the flea market today, I gave myself a good talking to. We had stopped at a Cracker Barrell to eat dinner and my inner voice was really give me hell…….while paying for a cool bendable Olive Oly plastic doll.

Rubber Chickens and Brains In Jars

 The brain in the jar is my latest purchase along with  this face in a pizza.

I’m OCD. I’m become really obsessed with different things. For the last several years, I have collected many, many weird things. It all started when my daughter bought me some really cool pottery shotglasses for Chirstmas a few years back. Two were eyeballs, one a nose, and one a mouth/tonge. This lead to my wanting more pieces from this potter. Now, I have 4 face jugs from him and four more face jugs from other potters. Believe me…..this is an expensive obsession. Once I started collecting this weird stuff and people found out, I became the receiptient  of some of the craziest crap known to man. I saw this brain in and a jar and face in a pizza on ebay today and bought them. The problem is that I have so much outlandish stuff that I don’t even know where I’ll put them. I, also, bought, a realistic brain wrapped up like meat from a butcher. These would make great Halloween decorations except I live so far out in the woods, no kids come for candy. Which can also be a good thing since I get all the candy!

My ultra-conservative brother has also gotten in on the fun by sending me rubber chickens in the mail. My daughters love to poke fun at me with other people but I know that secretly they are lusting for my “collectibles“. I’ve discovered my daughter’s secret that she has been collecting dryer lint for months now in order to make me a lint bowl for Christmas. Now, talk about weird……

I told my youngest daughter one day that she and her sister would inherited all “my lovlies”. Her answer was, “Mom, we really wish that you’d obsess over jewlery”.  They might act like they are repulsed by this stuff but they take great delight in shopping for me. They think that I don’t know but they love to go into places and look for body parts for their mother.They relish in the shocked looks on clerk’s faces. 

I’m not sure what I’m going to do with more weird stuff. I’ve kept it all in my upstairs office (not by my choice…my husband insisted). I suppose that I could box some of it and rotate it.  Right now, my Michael Jackson doll, which is dressed in a fabulous pink feather boa and sequined gown, is sitting next to my vintage John-Boy doll. Last week, he sat next to “Thank you for not smoking” ciagrette smoking baby”. I try to keep Michael in fresh companions since I’ve heard that he’s so depressed lately. Last week, I dropped my Wicked Witch of the East cast iron legs and dented the wood floor so I guess they could go in a box (husband had a shit-fit over that). 

Bought a voice-sensored walking/talking brain last week that is pretty cool. The only problem is that I forget that it’s there and accidentally activate it and ’bout crap my pants when it goes off.

Even my very, very quiet, shy, conservative son-in-law has gotten in on the act by buying me 4 different kinds of hands.

I guess on the upside…….if I ever need a transplant, I’ll already have the body parts.