Check It Out Checkerouters! I’m Interviewed!!!!

First, I want to statethat I’m copying Greg Gutfield of  Red Eye  by using the nonword, checkerouters. Just want to give credit where credit is do. If you have the humor level of a high school aged boy (and I do), you must check out Red Eye. The shows comes on very, very late (one in the morning) but you can watch most of it on the Red Eye  website.

Recently, I was given a great opportunity of being interviewed by The Vinyl Villager.  VV has a really great blog with lots of funny stories about his life. He, also, writes about things in the news and makes some of the funniest comments that I have ever read. I’ve known VV for a long time but this does not make me partial to his blog. If his blog sucked, I’d just privately read it and never mention it to y’all. He is sarcastically witty. Best of all, he makes just as much fun of himself as he does anyone/anything else. Ya gotta love someone who does that.

So, after reading this post, y’all get your lil’ fannies on over to the Vinyl Village and start you day with a good laugh.

I’m gonna give a shout-out to one more blog……Mad Haiku.  This guy is funny in a really off-the-wall way. Check out his Moby Dick in Haiku. That’s some funny stuff.

OK…I was honored to be chosen by Vinyl Village to do an interview with him. If you would like to be interviewed by VV, go check out his blog post on interviews and leave him a comment.

Here’s my interview:

1.. Whenever bad weather is coming, people run out to get milk and  bread. What do you make sure to stock up on if you know you’ll be stuck at home for a few days?

I just gots to have me some of them Little Debbie cakes and Diet Coke! Almost as important is toilet paper and coffee. But, truthfully, I’m not one to run to the grocery store at the first mention of snow. Our weather people on the local news only get it right about 25% of the time. So, I just stick my head out the window. If it’s snowing, I’m not too worried. Living in the boogerwoods for years has required an SUV to get around. So, I’m pretty much ready to go when I feel the need or desire.
In the worse case scenario and I couldn’t get out, I’d just pull out one of our many guns and hunt me down some of the critters that wander around here. In the event that I couldn’t find any critters, I’d hop on hubby’s big-ass John Deere tractor and head out to WalMart. I would still be toting my guns to fend off people who might try to grab from  me that last box of Devil Dongs.

2. Since you’ve known the Vinyl Villager since God was a boy, tell everyone some of your funniest or most embarassing stories on him.

I could tell a funny or embarrassing one. However, many of them would involve his Mama and he tells those stories much better than I ever could. So, I’ll leave writing about them (like the turkey that she left in her car truck and it rotted)  to him. But, my favorite story is when The Vinyl Villager   first learned to read. He was 3-4 years old and his Mama was bragging about how he had started reading big words and big-people books. I have to admit that I was a little skeptical….not that he could read but that he could read all the stuff that she said he could.  My lil’ TrailerParkSkipper is only 4 days younger than VV. And, no braggin’, just fact’, she was sharp as a tack. But, there was no way in Oompaloompa Land that she could read words with more than two syllables.  So, I was a tad unbelieving but…then, I heard something that darn near brought me to my knees in surprise. That little rascal had picked up a BIBLE and was reading it as well as Billy Graham!  Waaaay  better than Rev. “G-damn America” Wright. So, being the skeptic that I am, I thought that maybe he had just memorized a verse (which come to think of it is pretty darn genius for a kid that age). What was I suppose to think? Sheesh, most of the kids on my side of the family were still stumbling around with “Billy Eats Beets”. And, they were old enough to drive themselves to school!
In all seriousness. VV was one of the smartest and best behaved child that I’ve ever known. Now, years later, I’m not so sure that I could say that. Just go read his blog and you’ll see what I mean.
PS…VV…I was gonna say “smartest and best behaved children” in our entire family. But, frankly, you didn’t have a lot of competition when I think about all the bratty, annoying heathen children that were in our family. Not gonna mention any names but there were two who lived near you.  We’ll just call them “Moey” and “Thad“. I’m sure you know who I’m talking about….the one’s whose mother had an imaginary psych degree.
 

3. If you could change any ONE thing about yourself–mental, physical, etc. what would it be?

Ouch! That’s a hard choice. I don’t think that I could choose between those two. So, I’ll take “FINANCIAL” for $500, Alec! I’d be a rich woman who gave $20 bills to strangers. My mental deficiencies are pretty much equal to my physical deficiencies so I’d be hard pressed to pick one of those.
 
4. How did you get started blogging and what is your favorite thing about doing it?

There are several reasons.
I started blogging because I’m a crazy lady that lives in the boogerwoods. It was either blog or collect cats. And, I didn’t want to be known as The Crazy Cat Lady Who Lives In The Woods.  It’s much more desirable to be known as  The Crazy Lady Who Lives In the Boogerwoods and Never Gets Off Of Her Computer.

I, also, thought that I might attract the attention of Danny Bonaduce or Gary Busey. I would love to have them comment on my blog. Both are Crazy (with a captial C) but, very interesting. It would be dabomb to have Busey comment something crazy but profound.  Unfortunately, my original plan of sticking one or both names into every post that I wrote just didn’t work. I mean….how the hell can I mention of  them when writing one of my poontange posts? Or, my stinky belly button posts?  I’ve learned a lot about myself by blogging. I’ve discovered that my poontang and stinky belly button are more important and interesting to me that Gary or Danny. Sorry, guys.

PS….Maybe, I will tag this post with Busey and Bonaduce and they’ll comment!

 
To be serious (yuck), I’ve written stories and poems since I was in Jr. High. I like writing. I actually won a couple of awards in high school. But, the blog was really for me to write all kinds of crap about my family without them knowing it. I intended for it to be a place that I could express anger, disappointed, sadness, and …..HaHa…I crack me up! Actually, I just wanted ATTENTION and the assurance that there just might be other people out there with lives as crazy and dysfunctional as mine.
 
5. Which of the following would you find most embarrassing to have happen to you in public, and which have you actually done: 1. a loud, smelly expulsion of gas. 2. an accidental nipple flash, 3. an accidental cootchie flash, 4. being with someone else who did one of the above.
 
1.  Loud explosion of gas….Done it…..yes, it was embarrassing. The most awful thing about it was that I was on a first date with a guy. He was haaawt and I think that the happiness of being on a date with him just made me explode.

It was, also, our last date.
 
2.Nipple…. Done it but only to my doctor. Not so embarrassing so it probably doesn’t count.
 
3.Cootchie flash….close. Once I was getting ready for a bath. TPKen had just left. The doorbell rang and I thought it was him because he was always  forgetting something. He would  leave his keys in his car and pound on the door.  I wrapped a not so large towel around myself and went to the door. Not TPKen. It was the guy who lived across the road. I just acted like I walked around like that all of the time and pretty much remained calm. But, he immediately looked at my feet, told me that he was looking for TPKen and promptly left.
 
4.Yes,….TPMidge is a master of farting, belching, flashing, and all sorts of other things. TPSkipper tends to be more ladylike in the gassy dept. in public as well as with the belching. But, that girl will “moon” ya in a New York minute. Heathens!  Those two have broken up the boring mile-after-mile driving of many a trucker.
 
5. (I added one) Puking in public….Yes, waaaay more times that I care to admit to. I think puking in public is far worse than farting or belching in public. You can blame a fart or a burp on somebody else. But, face it, there’s no way to blame that puddle of vomit on another person since it was seen coming out of you.

So, that’s my interview.

Thanks for the questions, VV.

I Still “Heart” Gary Busey……

I’m shivering with excitement. Goosebumps are running the full length of my extremities.

HE’S BACK!!!!!!!! 

After wiping the tears from my eyes caused by the scene on Grey’s Anatomy of the old man trying to give CPR  to his dead wife , (did any of ya’ll see it? OMG! Soooo sad) I decided to channel surf and find something a little more light-hearted.

I ran through all the cable news programs and skipped right over every single one of them. I am taking a sabbatical (sounds religious but just a fancy word for break) from any news for a while. It’s been really difficult, too. I am a news junkie! But, I just don’t think that I could watch the news right now without totally breaking down and beating my head against the wall. But, let’s not discuss the reasons for that right now. I’m trying to purge myself of any and all images of sound bites, election coverage, candidates speaking, Shep, Greta, Bill, Hannity and the rest.

I had flipped a lot of channels when I thought that I saw Gary Busey. In rehab. In Celebrity Rehab to be exact. So, I backed up and lo and behold there he was with his big-ass capped teeth, looking crazy crazier than normal. He was talking to Tawny Kitaen, OJ’s ex-girlfriend. The last that I had heard about her, she had beat the hell out of her baseball playing husband.

I did not recognize any of the other people. One guy barely moved his mouth when talking. I became fascinated with his speaking. He kinda reminded me of a ventriloquest’s dummy. Just without the ventriloquiest. He turned out to be Steven Adler, ex drummer for Guns n’ Roses.

“Similar to the first cycle, the second season of “Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew” will follow the real-life experiences of celebrity patients undergoing detoxification and treatment at a center in the Los Angeles area. The show will follow Jeff Conaway as he checks back into rehab after a series of back surgeries, setbacks and subsequent reliance on pain medications. Joining him in rehab are Sean Stewart (Sons of Hollywood), Amber Smith (model/actress), Rodney King, Nikki McKibbon (American Idol), Steven Adler (Guns n Roses) and Tawny Kitaen (Actress). Gary Busey, who is 13 years sober, will also be joining the cast to share his experiences and thoughts on the recovery process.”…..VH1 website

Gary Busey will have great words of widsom for his fellow rehab friends.

Like:

Gary on Life Before Christ……”…the experiences that God gave me to go through…which were cocaine, which were extravagant living in the fast, fast, fast, fast, fast lane, see?”

Gary on Philosophy and the Problem of Evil….”… your shadow, the dark side. C.G. Hume writes about it, in terms of the fact that every one of us has a dark side. And my dark side, my shadow, my lower companion is now in the back room blowing up balloons for kids’ parties”.

On his recovery from a motorcycle accident….”“One night…at [the hospital], I was sitting in bed…and saw the Grim Reaper standing in the corner. He was seven feet tall, with a brown robe. He pointed to me and said, ‘Relax, it’s not your time to go. You have been given gifts. These gifts are ready to be received by mankind. So get on your feet and improve.’ Then he laughed, spun his scythe and left. I wasn’t asleep and I hadn’t been for days. Whether this was a premonition or an angel in disguise, I don’t know. But it was a positive reinforcement to stay on the road to recovery, which I’ve done.“

Excerpts from an interview done with Metal Rules magazine…..

MR: What’s your favorite cheese?

GB: (Pause)  Cake.

MR: Cake?

GB: Cake!

MR: Oh… okay.

GB: Cheesecake.

GB: “I’m doing high intensity training, science, philosophy, and nutrient supplements.  And I feel better than I’ve felt in years… since I can remember. ….  I’ve also done some intensives on the spiritual, body/mind balance.  Spirituality, mind and body balance with a lady named Carolyn Braddock.  And I have so much energy.  I mean I’ve been told by doctors and surgeons that I have the energy of ten men who have normal jobs.  And now that energy is balanced.”

MR: Now is that something that you can overdo? 

GB: What?

MR: Is it possible to overdo something like that?

GB: Overdo what?

MR: I don’t know, spirituality or the aerobics or…

GB: NO!

MR: Like anything else?

GB: NO! NO!  No, you cannot overdo that.

MR: ‘Cause the thing I wonder about…

GB: Imagine the peace symbol.  The peace symbol has three pieces in it.  One piece is emotion, that’s your body.  Another piece has spirit in it, that’s your fuel.  Another piece has intellect in it and that’s your steering wheel.  You can never overdo the fuel that goes into the body, which is the emotions and the steering wheel to drive it.

“Fear is the dark room where the Devil develops his negatives.”…Gary Busey

“ There has got to be more to life than being a really, really, ridiculously good actor.” Gary Busey

 

I could list a ton of Gary’s quotes but I’m got stuff to say about some more of the Celeb cast.

 

Rodney King….RODNEY KING” He’s the guy who said “Why can’t we all just get along?”  Isn’t he kinda non-celeb cleb? However, he does seem like the sanest one of the bunch.

 

Sean Stewart…son of Rod Stewart. WTF? Maybe, this show should be named Kinfolk of Celebrities Rehab.

 

 Nikki McKibbon and Amber Smith??? Who are they? Never heard of either one of them.

Last but not least….presenting…..Jeff Conway. If any of you caught any of the Celeb Rehab shows last year, you will know what I mean when I call him a 1st Class Nut-job!!!!

This show is one hot mess of has-beens and losers! But, it sure took my mind off real news. It ,also, gave me a great idea. Listen up all Church of the Dali Mama members……we need a couple of volunteers to develop habits bad enough to need rehab. If any of y’all already have one, that would be a big plus. See, we get one or two of us in there and start converting them to the CODC (except the nonceleb celebs). Then, we TITHED them. Right there is enough money to build us a fine meeting place! Any volunteers?????

 

I’ve got so much more to say about these “celebs” but it’s late and I’m tired. I’ll write more biting, sarcastic remarks on another post.

 

Over and out!

 

 

 

The Face Has Left The Building…..

Priscilla Presley Victim of Phony Cosmetic Doc..from TMZ.com

TMZ has learned Priscilla Presley is the victim of a botched cosmetic procedure. What’s worse — it was at the hands of a gigolo who was sent to prison for perpetrating an injectable scam on Hollywood’s elite.Priscilla, whose face looks … strange on “Dancing with the Stars,” went to Dr. Daniel Serrano around 2003. Serrano was a good-looking doc from Argentina who hooked into Hollywood’s social A-list and started giving them what he claimed were miracle injections that worked better than Botox.

In fact, Serrano was injecting industrial, low-grade silicone similar to what’s used to lubricate auto parts in Argentina into the faces of these women. Several women, including Shawn King, Larry’s wife, and Diane Richie, Lionel’s wife at the time, held injection parties in their homes, with Serrano needling them with the non-FDA approved drug that he had smuggled in to the U.S. Shawn King has said the injections created a lump in her lip that made it difficult to speak and drink liquids. Serrano charged between $300 and $500 a pop.

But wait, it gets worse. Serrano wasn’t even a licensed doc in the U.S. The injections caused lumps, paralysis and holes in the faces of some of the women (and some men) he injected.

Serrano, who was nicknamed Dr. Jiffy Lube, was indicted by the Feds for smuggling drugs, and the conspiracy and use of unapproved drugs. He was convicted, and last week he was released and is currently being investigated by federal immigration officials and could be deported.

BTW, Diane Richie was also indicted as an accomplice. She pled out and was placed on probation.

It has been alleged that Elvis would slap her forehead if she wrinkled it, because he liked to see Priscilla as ‘pure’ and her frowning ruined it. I assume she did not get to show many emotions during their marriage.

Boy, he’d be crazy about her now! Look, E….no forehead wrinkles!!!!!!!!

Elvis may have left the building, but she would have a really hard time getting thru the exit door without getting those chipmunk cheeks stuck.I don’t get it. I can understand why Hollywood people feel the need to clip-it, nip-it, suck-it, and tuck-it. But, why on earth would they subject themselves to Tupperware-like (both the faces and the bowls are plastic) house parties to look “better”? These people can afford certified world-class doctors. And, do they actually believe that people won’t notice that they suddenly look like a wax mannequin?

I wonder if Dr. Jiffy Lube did this boob job?……..This is one of the most disgusting things that I have ever seen.

WARNING….GET OUT YOUR BARF BAG BEFORE LOOKING TOO CLOSE….

 WHAT ARE THESE PEOPLE THINKING….”OH, Let’s see what I can do to myself that will shock and make the most people want to puke?” Those look like to bald midget heads sticking out of her tiny-weeny-bikini top. For goodness sake, Grandma, put your clothes back on! Kids are hiding behind the sand dunes. Even the Speedo-wearing, old geezers are running for cover.

 As I’ve posted before, I love Gary Busey because he is so unpredictable. But, those big Chiclet looking teeth scare me. It looks like he went to a novice horse doctor for those big ass veneers.

  Somebody, please tell me what the hell this is. Oh, wait…..it’s Donatella Versace…Mighty ManWoman. You know, there does come a time, D, when you have to accept the fact that you are aging. Hmmm…..if you put her head on the Grandma above, you’d have……..RUN! HIDE! Nobody should ever have to lay eyes on anything even close to that!!!!

Pieces of shit cake all around for these idiots!

 

I “Heart” Gary Busey….

I just love that crazy devil. I was deeply disturbed when his show, “I’m With Busey” was canceled. I do not like pretty boys like George Clooney. (Although, I did love Dr. Ross on ER. )

Reason #1 that I “heart” GB….

His son, Jake, describes him the best…

“ “He’s a lot different than I am. He’s always telling stories about monkeys and toads and rockets. I can never understand what he’s talking about.”

Reason #2….Gary says crazy stuff like this….

“Bird season is over, butthorn.

“Uh, I feel Like a virgin on prom night.“

About his recovery from a motorcycle accident: “One night…at [the hospital], I was sitting in bed…and saw the Grim Reaper standing in the corner. He was seven feet tall, with a brown robe. He pointed to me and said, ‘Relax, it’s not your time to go. You have been given gifts. These gifts are ready to be received by mankind. So get on your feet and improve.’ Then he laughed, spun his scythe and left. I wasn’t asleep and I hadn’t been for days. Whether this was a premonition or an angel in disguise, I don’t know. But it was a positive reinforcement to stay on the road to recovery, which I’ve done.”

“Drinking your own blood is the paradigm of recycling. “

“Your imagination is the hood ornament on your car of creativity.”

“Friends are just enemies in reverse. “

” Fear is the dark room where the devil develops his negatives.”

Advice on dating from GB…..”Ask her if she’s ever played “Name that Smell.”

Reason #3

He freaked out Jennifer Gardner by kissing her unexpectedly on the neck on the Oscar’s red carpet. LOVED IT!!!!

Ok…so, he has big, gigantic, scary teeth……

and, maybe, he did get his brain knocked around a little in his accident.

I still love Gary Busey!!!

I just know in my heart that GB would welcome stalkers unlike that smug Clooney who had me has fans arrested for just wanting an autograph.

Ok…I was

so, a fan might have set up a 12 foot ladder outside of his bedroom window. He should have been flattered instead of calling the police on

me an anonymous female fan.

So, from now on, when asked who I find to be the most interesting, charming person in Hollywood, I’ll shout out…..”GARY BUSEY!”