Big Butts Get Stuck…

I started to title this….”Big Butt…Be Gone (before someone drops a house on you and you get stuck under it).

I’ve had a hard time keeping weight off my entire life! I’ve lost and gained at least 3 people since my teenage years. Now, I’m proud to report that I have lost 30 POUNDS!!!! Yay, me! I can remember at least three incidences that motivated me to lose weight. Well, actually 4…but the first one doesn’t really count because it made me angry more than motivated. The first time was when I was in the 7th grade. My best friend had a younger brother who was a pretty nice boy. No,I didn’t “like” him so it wasn’t a crush thing. He actually reminded me of that cartoon donkey on Hee-Haw….long face and big teeth.

I never told him that but one day, he had the balls to tell me that I had a pretty face and it was too bad that I was fat! I think that it didn’t motivate me because it was like the Hee-Haw jackass was pictured in my head and talking to me.

The second time, I had a huge crush on a boy in high school. I had stalked this guy all over the high school….in ninja mode, of course. It was one of those “w”ong side of the tracks” stories….with me being the wrong side . I was the poor white trash girl who hung with the bad crowd and he was the semi-wealthy and classy popular jock. And, he asked me out to the movies. I was walking on cloud nine!!!! Kinda sounds like a Molly Ringwald movie, huh? It would have been titled something like “Pudgy in Pink” instead of “Pretty in Pink”. At the time, I worked at a Tastee Freeze (which might have explained some of the weight gain) and he stopped by almost everyday. One day, my co-workers and I were bored and goofing around doing silly stuff. Like making banana splits with no bananas just to see if anybody would notice. Nobody did! Then, I got this “bright” idea that I was going to squeeze thru the little square take-out window. I was about halfway thru….head and shoulders sticking out of the window. But, then I couldn’t get my hips through!!! I was STUCK halfway out/in the window when, but, of course, my crush pulled up! I’m pretty good at quick thinking…but it’s not always good ideas. I just nonchalantly acted as if it was perfectly normal that I had my big butt stuck in a small square window and chatted with him as if everything was perfectly cool. Finally, he asked me why was I hanging out the window and I said it was because of a bet that I could stay that way and serve customers their ice cream for an hour. Thank goodness, he finally left and I could begin the procedure of inching my way back in the building! I knew that I had to lose weight! And I did….25 lbs!

Over the years, it came back. The second time that I knew that I had to do a big-butt-go-away was when I got wedged under my bed. I have a Paul Bunyon style bed that is really high up but very low to the floor. I spotted a missing shoe under it and flattened myself out enough to schooch under the bed. Feeling victorious with missing shoe in hand, I started inching back out….only to discover that, once again, I was STUCK! No one was home and panic began to set in. I began to pray!!!!! No one was due home for another 3-4 hours. I couldn’t imagine staying under that bed with all those dust bunnies irritating my nose and eyes. I knew that I had to come up with some rational way to get out. So, I exhaled all of my breath, flattened myself as much as possible to the floor and very slowly inch by inch backed out….covered in dust..and some aching shoulders and hips.  Yep…time to lose weight again! And, once again, I did. Lost about 20-30 lbs. I vowed to never get that overweight again…but of course, I did.

This, the third (and hopefully final) time, I realized that my current hobby of sitting on the couch watching TV and eating Little Debbie Cakes was making me tired and sick. I had, also, discovered that my “emergency fat” wardrobe was getting quite snug. Hanging out in loose pjs all day worked for that….unless I had to go out! I knew that I was letting my life get sucked away by my big butt being stuck in the couch. Plus, I needed to be able to keep up with my extremely active grandson, Ian (who was about 3 or so at the time) and both of my active daughters, Meg and Annie. They eat very healthy and get lots of exercise. I love hanging with my daughters. However, sometimes, being with them is hanging out with exercise queen, Jillian Michaels…

Seriously, my daughters will not go on a vacation and stay anywhere that doesn’t have a work-out room.  But, I knew that if I didn’t get into shape, I would be sitting in the corner while they had fun and begged me to join them. I want to live my life as God intended…to the fullest! I tried different plans for exercising but would soon give up. I figured that if I was going to get the physical activity that I desperately needed,it would have to be something that I enjoyed doing and could do even in bad weather. So, I began to DANCE! I take 30 minutes everyday, turn on some good music and dance all over my house. Plus, I’ll stop doing whatever I’m doing at the time if a good dance song comes on the radio. I DANCE AND DANCE AND DANCE! Plus, thru Trailerpark Skipper, I’ve learned so much about nutrition and healthy eating. So, no big well-known diet plans…no magic pill…no clubs! Just determination. This time, I’m keeping it off. I have to since I live in the Boogerwoods! Nobody would find me here if I got stuck!

Now….I’m gonna go DANCE!!!!!!!!!!!

OMT…This has, also, helped with my depression so much!!!!!!

Laughing Is Good For The Soul…..

I really would love to start one of these laughing groups in my area. What a great stress reliever! 

Wouldn’t it be fantastic if colleges and universities offered a Master of Laugh? Or, a Doctorate of Giggling?

Yeah….I could go for that in a heartbeat!!!!

Going to NYC with an Itchy Cooter and a Swollen Jaw….BUT, DAMMIT, I’M GOING!

I’m leaving early in the morning and flying to NYC!!!!! Just TrailerparkSkipper and me. We’re going to see the next to the last Broadway performance of Rent. TrailerparkSkipper is a total freak for Broadway shows. As for me, I’m more excited about seeing a drag show. WITH KARAOKE!!!! I’ve got my pink boas packed….seriously.

Of course, I always have to have some kind of drama going on. I woke up yesterday morning with my tooth hurting. It quit and I went about my day. Last night, it really started to hurt. OUCH! OUCH! OUCH! Then my face started to swell. The first thing this morning, I called my dentist who told me to come in at 3:30. By the time that I got to his office, my jaw looked like I had a big-ass redneck chaw in it.

Sure enough, I have an abcessed tooth and it hurts like hell. The dentist prescribed 2 different antibiotics and I have to take 4 times a day……in other words….EIGHT A DAY! He said that the swelling should start going down and the tooth should quit hurting so much by mid-day tomorrow. At which time, I will be thousands of feet up in the air feeling like crap from the pressure. But, at least the med will start kicking in. The meds…uh oh….this brings a whole hole new problem. Eight antibiotics a day are sure to result in a major yeast infection in the ….yeah…you guessed it….poontang area.

So, when I get back and post pictures…..here’s what you will see…..a woman holding her jaw with one hand, walking in the odd way that women with cootie itch do ( you know that kind of sashaying trying to get a little scratching in….hoping that you can score a scratch/rub against a seam). You will also see pictues of me shopping in NYC….shopping for….

I’ll be back Monday, hopefully with lots of great stories.

Happy A Great Labor Day Weekend, Y’all!!!!!

Redneck Dating Advice For Men…

Scenario…..you just met Suzyette at your cousin’s wedding. She is hot and you ask her out. You have some great ideas for the first date. But, wait…..if these places are on your go-to date list, mark them off.

1. To watch you play basketball/baseball/hockey/football with fat Chuck from the sales department, hairy Larry from the service department, and your unemployed best friend. Girls do not enjoy this. They might act like it because they think you are potential husband material.

2.Hiking….although lil’ Suzyette might enjoy a good walk on occasion, chances are she will be dressed in her best. Which will include sit-down shoes. Sit-down shoes are not walking shoes. They are only for making the leg and foot look sexy. Take lil’ Suzyette hiking and you will be carrying lil’ Suzyette all the way back to your car. If you choose to ignore this advice, at least do not point our deer turds and squirrels mating to her. This is uncouth.

3. To your parents house (because you are an unemployed, broke loser). This is the first date. No one really knows anyone else. It will be awkward. And, even more awkward if your dad decides to show off his farting skills.

4. To the local beer joint to watch you play pool. Chances are that lil’ Suzyette can beat your ass in pool. Redneck girls learn pool when still in diapers.

5. To the local Jaycee’s hot dog sale. Nuff said.

6. To shoot guns. Here again, you stand a chance of getting shown up. Baby redneck girls have loaded 45′s under their crib mattresses. She will leave you feeling like a Nancy-boy.

7. Mud-bogging. Yes, we redneck girls love riding big ol’ trucks thru the mud. So, at least forewarn her ahead of time so she can dress in her best camo instead of her newest mall purchase.

8. To catch nightworms for your next day fishing trip with your brother. Redneck girls are good at catching night worms and good at fishing. But, this is not romantic.

9.To visit your Ma in jail. Nuff said.

10. To Wal-Mart’s hunting section. She will be bored and wander off to cosmetics. When you catch up with her, she will drill you for an hour on which lipstick color is prettiest. But, you asked for it.

And…..

Do not make fun of Elvis

Lard is not a sex-aid

Being hot-tied or roped is not foreplay

Do not kiss your hunting dogs right before kissing her

Before kissing, take the chaw or snuff out of your mouth

Do not enter her in the wet T-shirt contest without her permission. No matter how big you think her boobs are.

Deer scent can not be substituted for deoderant

So, now….go git ‘er done!

Yes, It’s A Mullet…Now Stop Staring!!!!

To say that the mullet is a hairstyle barely even scratches the surface of the issue. The mullet is a way of life, it is a state of mind, it is every person who wears it. Physically it is characterized by short hair on the top, front, and sides of the head, followed by a long drape of hair on the back.

There are many advantages to wearing a mullet. So, it’s easy to understand why the mullet would be a good choice for a hairstyle.

ADVANTAGES

1. LOW COST…..It is widely known that the instance of the mullet in any given area is inversely proportional to average annual income. There is little to no maintenance required to preserve the mullet, and the costs involved are much lower than that of most other hairstyles.

2.LOW MAINTENANCE Subjects need not even wash the mullet for long periods of time, nor groom it in the morning, though many do meticulously attend to their mullet as an issue of pride and beauty – still the costs are indeed negligible.

3.BETTER THAN A SCARF Also the mullet insulates the subject’s neck, keeping him or her warm through the cold winter nights.

4. SO VERY VERSATILE…The other important advantage of the mullet is that it offers it’s host the freedom of both worlds of work and leisure. The subject appears to be a normal human being from the front, unencumbered by long hair over the face, and also appears to be a “party animal” from behind, with the long flowing locks. Hence, the “business in the front, party in the back” mentality. One is free to be taken seriously in the world of work, and, when the opportunity arises, is also free to “let loose” and “go wild – ape style.”

And, now I have one. Listing all of those great reasons to get a mullet would lead one to think that I chose to get mulleted…..that I willingly became a Sgt. in the Mullitia. A Mulletissa Ethridge.

Well, that’s total untruthiness (thank you Steven Cobert).

Here’s what happened. I went to get my haircut on Monday. I had not had a haircut in 3-4 months. I have had short hair for a long time and had decided to try something different. During the winter, I ran my fingers through my mane everyday in an almost perverted way. Hair! I had hair! I was pretty excited to have some hair to style. All that I wanted was a trim. I know. I know. You are collectively shaking your heads head (I have one regular reader!) and saying, “WTF was she thinking. Trim in not even in the Hairdressers Manual/Dictionary. Ask for a trim and the stylist magically turns into Edward Scissorhands.

Anyway, I was glad to be there. I needed something to perk me up and a haircut sometimes does the trick. Along with one of those fat, greasy weinees wrapped in dough and deep fried that they sell at a place across from the haircut place. I sat in Bobbi’s chair and explained to her that I was trying to grow out my hair a bit but needed the split ends cut. Without a word, she picked up her magical shears and began cutting. Her hands were a blur as she darted from top to bottom.

I have known Bobbi for quite some time and we always to the “beauty parlor gossip” thing. Only, this time, there was no fun gossip. She told me that the other girl, who does my hair sometimes, was in a terrible depression. Her sister had suddenly died from a brain aneurysm. It hadn’t even been 6 months since her father died. And, right after that, her mobile home burned down. Then, a raccoon got into her car and shredded her seats. I’m not making any of this stuff up. She had sure had a run of terrible luck.

Thinking about Cindy’s problems, I was not really paying attention to what Bobbi was doing. Until I noticed a lot of hair on the cape. Holy pita in a pocket….my top layer was almost buzzed. As I opened my mouth to protest, Bobbi began to tell me about her brother dying a month ago. And, her mom was in the hospital having surgery when it happened. So now, Bobbi is the only one left to help with her mother. AND, her husband is really ill and she has to take care of him. Tears began to well in her eyes. This was some really sad shit. I felt the tears in my own eyes.

More hair landed on the cape. “Bobbi, I didn’t”……..

I never got to finish. She started telling me about her sister-in-law becoming paralyzed from some unknown cause and having to use a wheelchair. Some seriously tragic life stories….

……as I saw more hair fall.

Thank the good Lord (and I seriously mean that) that she came to a stop. Either she had finally run out awful things to spill her gut about or she was done with my haircut.

I was afraid to look in the mirror. All the hair on the floor was telling me that I resembled G.I. Jane.

I slowly looked up. I had a mullet.

It didn’t look like this>>>>>>> Thank you, Jesus (seriously!)

It looked kind of like this>>>>>

Well, acutally more like this!

I had become Uncle Jesse from Full House!!!!

I called TrailerParkSkipper first thing when I got home. “TPS”….I was choking up with tears, “I’ve got a damn mullet! I look like Uncle Jesse!”

“You look like that guy on Dukes of Hazzard?”, she asked.

“NO! I look like the Olsen twin’s uncle on Full House!” I said, holding back tears.

And, I went on to explain to her what happened.

“But, Mom, you should have said something!” That’s my lil Skipper, so wise. (being sarcastic here).

“Skipper, how could I interrupt Bobbi when she was pouring her heart out to me?”, I said.

And, how could I? What is the protocol for this type of situation?

So, if you see me, you’ll know that I am now “business in the front” and “party in the back”!

Unless, I decide on a buzz cut.

UPDATE ON MY MULLET CAUSE I KNOW YOU ARE STILL THINKING ABOUT IT

I highlighted my hair. I always do it myself. I’m as good as most of the beauticians that have ever done it. So, I got out my stuff and did it. After drying and styling, it looked pretty good….until I got the mirror and looked at the back.

I now have a saucer size spot of red hair that does not match any other color on my head. How did this happen? Holycrapoly!

So, to summarize my hair at this moment, I would have to say that I look like Uncle Jesse wearing a red pope beanie. I AM POPEUNCLE JESSE!!!!! TrailerParkSkipper said that if I would dye is brown in that spot, then I could look like I live in a monastery. I guess then, I would be Monkle Jesse.

My friend, D, commented here and that jarred me into remembering the SUPER HAIR PRODUCT FOR ALL REDNECK WOMEN!

Gosh, with AquaNet, I can do just about anything. I could tease that hair in the back and make it look like a lot of hair. Spray it with AquaNet and it’s guaranteed to stay exactly as I fixed it. Hell, it will stay that way until the next haircut. AquaNet IS the superglue of hair products.

And…it’s also good for keeping out mosquites. If you have a small hole (say, no larger than 1 inch or so) in screen door, spray that sucker with AQ . I swear AQ forms a hard sticky barrier that just traps those squitters’ and June bugs.

Here;s what others are saying about AQUANET!

“

“Hair spray that is still cool to use.

I just bought a case of Aqua net for $2.25! And no, it was not on sale! That was full price! Want some?!?!”

“the reason we have a hole in the ozone. Because of high use of AquaNet in the 80′s, we now will all day because of the sun. Thank you asshole 80′s hair bands”

“I remember when I was a kid we used to use that stuff for a flame thrower at fire ants. I’ve used Aqua Net as propellant for a spud gun. Works pretty well. Heck, in a pinch you could probably use the stuff as starter fluid for your carburetor.”

“We used it when camping to incinerate wasps. One genius, who shall be nameless, burned a perfectly round hole in the screen-house we ate in.”

HOWEVERE, AQUANET MUST BE USED RESPONSIBLY!!!!!!

It is a great fuel to launch potato guns. But, only under adult supervision!

I remember when TrailerParkSkipper was around 13 years old. She had a friend over and they were in her bedroom. Talking, I THOUGHT! Then, I hear these panicked voices saying, “What are we gonna do? I can’t get it to go out!”

And then…..words that a mother never wants to hear under any circumstance….

“Hurry, my mom’s gonna smell it!”

Upon opening the door, I discovered that the 2 brainacs were spraying words on TPS’ large dresser mirror and spraying it with AquaNet. AQUANET BURNS!

But, as long as you stay away from flames and use responsibly, you, too, can have Amy Winehouse hair! The rest of her look will require heavy drug use, poor hygiene, and starving.

She is seriously looking scary!

A Different Slant to Child Rearing….

From Stupid Things For Sell Most parents don’t know what they’re doing — They try their best to screw up their kids, but most still grow up to be normal adults. Well, this indispensable book takes the guesswork out of raising a dysfunctional child. HOW TO TRAUMATIZE YOUR CHILDREN will teach you everything you need to know about messing up your kids. Within these 191 pages, you’ll learn how to shatter self-esteem, buy your child’s love, and teach your child how to be a bad friend. Here are just a few Chapters and Subchapters: * Don’t Cut Your Child Any Slack * Imagination is an Unaffordable Luxury * Your Needs Come First * Your Child’s Cues and Needs: Ignore Them * Push Them Now, Before It’s Too Late Never has so much bad advice been available in one place. So don’t leave bad parenting to chance, get How To Traumatize Your Children and learn how to get it wrong the first time!
Price: $9.95

Mama’s Secret To Happy Children…..Morphine!

Paregoric

A camphorated OPIUM tincture; tinctures of opium are alcoholic extracts of opium, widely used in the treatment of diarrhea. Paregoric contains powdered opium, anise oil, benzoic acid, camphor, glycerin, and diluted alcohol. With only 0.4 milligrams per milliliter of MORPHINE in 45 percent alcohol, it is more dilute than opium tincture—and the taste of the camphorated formula is generally disliked, helping to minimize excessive use or abuse.

It is also an antitussive (cough suppressant).

Paregoric is a Schedule III drug under the United States Controlled Substances Act.

Problems with its use include: possible opiate dependency.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

As I’ve written before, I collect odd things. Recently, I received an old empty paregoric bottle as a joke. The note said, “Maybe, this is why you don’t remember much of your childhood”.

To my surprise, the main ingredient in paregoric is opium. Holycrapamoly! My mama had a bunch of little druggies running around the house. I can vividly remember the taste of paregoric. It was nasty. My mom must have bought it by the gallon because there were five of us and we got paregoric for everything….earaches, stomachaches, sore throat, flu, colds, etc. We learned to run and hide when we needed to cough. Otherwise, it was “open wide” and “take your medicine like a good little child”. YUCK!!!!!!

I’m sure that my mother had no idea what was in the paregoric. It’s probably a good thing that she didn’t since she was raising 5 little hellions still at home. She, also, had one son before she married my dad and she had 4 step-children from her marriage to my dad. My dad was 20-some years older than my mom so the first batch of his kids had already grown up.

Some of the side effects of paregoric are……..light headedness, drowiness, dizziness and CONSTIPATION!!! I guess this explains why we walked around in a daze never having to poop.

My mom and dad had some good, old-fashioned remedies passed down to them from their parents. I remember being very small and having the croop (croup?) and my mom and dad taking turns “baking my feet” at the fire place. They would sit in a year up very close to the fire and expose my feet to the warm heat. Not sure what that was suppose to do for the illness.

We, also, had to wear a pouch of garlic and mustard seed around our neck to ward off colds. And, you know what? We never got colds. But, I think that was due more to the awful smell than the “treatment”. Nobody wanted to come near us. So, we never caught their colds.

Yep…..smelly, little dopeheads. That’s what we were.

OTHER CRAZY IDEAS FROM PAST GENERATIONS OF APPALACHIAN PEOPLE:

• . The blood of a black chicken rubbed on the affected area will cure the shingles.Black chickens are also good to bring out chickenpox particularly if you go out to the chicken coop after the sun goes down and let one fly over you.
• . Tea made from hot water and corn silk will cure bed wetting in children.
• The root of rhubarb worn on a string around your neck will prevent stomach aches.
• Tie a big red onion to the bedpost and it keeps the ones in the bed from having colds.
• Boils are caused by impure blood, you should eat sorghum molasses, raisins and onions.
• A dirty sock worn around your neck when you go to bed will cure a sore throat.
• Don’t let the moonlight shine on your face while your sleeping, it will cause you to go crazy.
• A buckeye carried in the pocket will cure rheumatism.
• Don’t cut your hair in the dark of the moon or it may cause you to go bald.
• Tea made from sumac leaves is good for and can cure asthma and hay fever.
• An iron key pressed to the back of the neck will cure a nosebleed.
• To stop a toothache in your left jaw, tie a string around the little toe of your right foot.
• For the right jaw, reverse the directions.

Granny, Johnny Depp, and the “Mators’

My son-in-law has an absolutely fantastic grandmother. She’s talented, kind, and just plum full of life. even at the age of 85. She paints, gardens, and has an active social circle. She has lost some of her hearing in the last couple of years. She tends to speak out just any ol’ time. My daughter’s in-laws are very devout and have family devotions when they all get together. Yesterday, they were all outside sitting in a circle at their farm, sharing passages from the Bible and relating their blessings. Out of the blue, Granny looks at my daughter and in a fairly loud voice says, “I sure like that Johnny Depp. Do you?”

My daughter loves that granny so much but this caught her kinda off guard. She managed to pick her jaw up off the ground and say, “Yeah, G, I love him, too”. Daughter did say this in a whisper to G. BUT, G has a hearing problem and proceeded do the “WHAT? WHAT DID YOU SAY? DID YOU SAY YOU LIKE JOHNNY DEPP.” Daughter, trying to be kind, got up in G’s ear and said fairly loudly, “YEAH, G. I LIKE JOHNNY DEPP. HE’S A GOOD ACTOR! But, right now, we are doing devotions from the book of Matthew.” And, G says, “No, his name is not Matthew Depp. It’s Johnny Depp. You know that nice looking actor that’s in that movie….what’s it’s name?”

Meanwhile, all the others were trying to act like they didn’t hear this and kept on discussing the book of Matthew.

Granny spoke out again, “That Johnny Depp sure is good looking!”

Now, it was at the point where she couldn’t be ignored. So, her son said, “Mom, we are having devotions. You need to be quieter”.

“WHAT?” Granny said. That’s when somebody decided to check her ear. Her hearing aid was not in it.

Like I said, everyone loves Granny. So, with a straight face, her son who is a well-respected member of the church said, “OK, everybody turn to the book of Depp, Chapt 1, Vs 1.” He had thrown in the towel.

Later on that evening, Granny went to the garden to pick a couple of tomatoes for dinner. Granny and her son plant acres of stuff and generously give a lot away. Her tomatoes are the best that we’ve ever eaten. Don’t know what she does to them, but they are juicy and delicious. But, Granny was in for a big surpise. Someone had come in and stolen all of her tomatoes. ALL OF THEM…..EVEN THE GREEN ONES! She looked at plant after plant after plant. And, believe me, there were hundreds of plants. Not a tomato left on even one.

We’re still trying to figure out when and how someone could have come in and made off with all of the those tomatoes. They had to have carried 10-15 bushels out. It was just plain weird and unbelievable! Tomatoe thieves…..now who woulda thunk it?

Hmmm. …..wonder if Johnny Depp likes tomatoes?