Thanks A Hellova Lot FACEBOOK!…..

 

It all started so innocently. Friends and family pressuring me to join the wonderful world of Facebook.

“It’s a great way to catch up with old friends and keep in contact with family!” they said. And, being the ever wanting-to-be-with-it person that I am, I fell for their bullshit. Just like you. And, don’t even pretend that you are not ONE OF US…robotic Facebook Zombies. The difference is that instead of eating brains we feed on the constant flow of updates from friends…some of who we barely even know (if at all) in our real lives. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve got some online friends that I feel that I actually do know better than some of my family and I think they actually “get me” more than some friends that I’ve had all of my life. The majority of these friendships started right here at the good ol’ Trailerpark blog (and y’all know who ya are!)

But, lately, I have found myself spending far too much time trying to run interference between mutual friends. And, I QUIT! I’m not a Life Coach or Dr. Drew. Nor, am I a Kardashian or Perez Hilton. I have no qualifications or degrees in Soothing Hurt Feelings or Positive Life Lessons or any other crap that requires advice or running damage control. Figure your own shit out. And, if you find that this is not something that you are capable of doing…than get your ass off of Facebook, MySpace, FriendFinder, Yahoo Yellouts, Ho’Down Hookups, The Google, or any other social/hookup network.

The final straw came about a week ago. And due to the fact that I did something somewhat unsavory (for which I lay total blame at the feet of the Facebook god), I cannot divulge some information. That alone is killing me because y’all know that keeping a secret is as hard for me as it is for Tiger Wood’s to keep is weenie in his britches. Harder than it is for Mel Gibson to not pick up a telephone while drunk. So, this is one of those cases where ya know something but ya just can’t say how ya know it.

My brother is recently widowed and being the good sister that I am, I urged him to join Facebook. Make friends! Don’t sit around lonely. Catch up with people! What an innocent fool that I turned out to be. He joined Facebook and got right into the swing of things. I suggested some friends for him and being the social fellow that he is, he sent a request to all of them. And, being the nice people that they are, they accepted. And then….

 That conversation is one that I found on the internet. However, it is similar to what I am about to tell you. Ya see…it turns out that big brother had an alter ego that I did not know about….Rico Sauve’. No, he didn’t use that name…it’s just what we (me and a few family members) had taken to calling him due to his FB antics. Yep, he had become The Ladies Man. His hit-on-the-ladies techniques had apparently not been updated since the early 70′s or there about. Every time that I would log onto FB, I would see one of his comments on one/or many of my friends’ posts to me saying crap like, “Heaven must be missing an angel. How do you sit in a chair with those wings?” OMG!!!! I had unleashed a beast. Oh, but it got worse…much worse. Although, I had explained (several times) the commenting and posting procedures on FB, he couldn’t seem to get it right. Instead of adding a comment, he would go to my friends’ walls and post his comment there. And/or his comments would have absolutely nothing to do with the original post. The post might have been about cooking chicken a new way and would have 10 or 12 comments from friends. But, it would end abruptly when he would chime in (right after a female, of course), “You so beeutiful.” I guess he forgot how to spell, too, because it looked like a 6 yr old boy was doing the typing. I told him over and over that EVERYBODY can SEE what you are posting. OK…that was kinda funny and everybody cut him some slack. Afterall, he was lonely and…blah blah blah. BUT THEN…

 the really really really embarrassing shit started!  Checking my daily updates, I would see stuff like…(FYI..names have been changed to protect the innocent)…

Sally…I think your Dads acct has been hacked. Got mssg from him saying “U R beeutiful. How old r u?”

This was posted on my niece’s wall. Yes, his daughter’s wall. “Beeutiful” was a dead giveaway on this.

Then….”how do u expct a guy to flirt wit u if u dont put more info?”

OK…check this out, y’all. This was posted to MY PASTOR’S WIFE. Then, the messages started coming from some family members. “WTF?  Rico just sent my friend a message asking her how old she is and telling her that she is sexy/pretty/beautiful/etc.” I was spending hours trying to do damage control. Finally, I realized that I cannot control what people do/say on FB.  I have lost a couple of friends due to this mess. The funny thing…I unfriended them. They were eating it up and encouraging his shenanigans. It showed them in their true light…unstable bitches with no self-confidence. Hope they will all be happy forever and ever in Facebook heaven…or Farmville.

IF Facebook Existed Years Ago….

Don’t know where this originated but it’s funny. If anyone knows who wrote it, please let me know so that I can give them credit. 

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Bananas Going Bad……

I haven’t been here much lately. It’s not that I don’t have anything going on in my life. It’s because I am in a manic state of mind. This is not to be confused with what is normally thought of as a state of mania. I wish…..

In a true manic state, you have soooo much energy, hardly any need to sleep or eat, and have grandiose ideas. If only the mind is manic, the result is just lots of ideas and thoughts that move through rapidly and produce nothing really productive. For the last while, my mind has raced so much that it’s a miracle that it hasn’t burned out. It’s no fun at all. At this minute, I am having a hard time concentrating on sitting here and writing this. My brain is showing previews of things to come at a warped speed.

I, also, must constantly remind myself of this…..

an overcrowded brain has got to be better than an empty brain! Right?

But, post…I must! I must post or risk losing interest in blogging. Losing interest in projects is all too frequent for me. I have at least a dozen things that I have started today alone. And, not one is completed yet. I’ll be patting myself on the back tonight if I can just finish one or two.

Since I know that if I starting writing about crap in my life, I’d make no sense and ramble on for so long the readers would lose interest, I’m taking the easy way out….

How to Tell If Your Banana Is Going Bad….

Got that in my email and it really made me laugh. Hope you get a giggle, too.

Also, I wanted to mention the really strange link that is showing up in my “referral links”. I have no idea what it is and to be honest, am afraid to click on it. If I click on it, I’m probably going to be bombarded with crap linked to it. The link is

(and I’m not going to link to it, either)……”freesexmovie”. WTH? I am curious as to why that site is linking to me, though. But, not curious enough to go to it. It does make me wonder what I wrote that would be of interest to visitor’s to that site. I’ve learned my lesson, though, about clicking on just any old thing that has a link posted. Last week, I got on FB only to find out that I “liked PalTalk”. I think that was the name of it but it could have been slightly different. Anyway, I innocently clicked on it to see what it was that I liked and it was a gay chatroom. I’m not bustin’ on gay people so don’t anyone get their panties in a wad and make ugly comments. But, I seriously have no clue how I liked it start with.  Listen, people, be careful what you click on!

Shit…I intended to write at least something with substance and worth reading but am finding that impossible right now. My thoughts are straying to Lady GaGa’s meat dress…..which in turn is making me think about grocery shopping…which in turn is making me think about working out because I ate to much this weekened…which in turn is making me think back to the VMA’s (because I was eating while watching) and Justin Bieber….seriously, JUSTIN BIEBER WON AN AWARD!!!?????….which is turn is making me think about New Kids On The Block…which in turn….and so forth and so forth and so on…..

So….until my mind quiets down….I am Crowded Brain Barbie!

The Words Spew Forth….

Apparently, my brain is starting to turn its little wheels again.

Still trying to put them together to write a decent post. But, damn brain leakage is still a problem….

What’s going thru my mind?

If Obama wanted to assure everyone that the Gulf coast waters are OK, why did he go all the way to Fla. instead of throwing on his Speedos and jumping in at Louisiana? I think that would say a lot more about how safe the crabs are to eat.

Why does Nancy Grace get so dramatic? Is she trying out for a role on Homicide..Life on the Streets? NANCY GRACE…shut the fuck up!

Why do some people feel that they have to put every single friggin’ thing they do on FaceBook. Honestly, I have a “friend” who posts shit like this everyday….

Just sittin here bored…

Just sittin here wondering about stuff…

Just sittin here thinking….

No..I’m not kidding. And she just had a baby! So, now, it’s….

Just sittin here wondering and holding the baby…

Just sittin here…..blah blah blah

I am soooo tempted to comment this…”Apparently, at one time, you were just sittin’ there. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have a baby”.

While on the subject of FB….how do you deal with a friend of a friend (I guess that would be friend twice removed?) who request that you friend them and when you do, they begin commenting on everything you post? Are FB stalkers dangerous? And what’s the protocol when you find out that this friend-twice-removed has become friends with everyone else who comments on your updates? I’m thinking that there are some scary-ass people out there with no lives of their own.

Another rant about FB….people who collect friends just to say that they have insertnumberhere of friends annoy the hell out of me. Personally, I think those people are insecure in their real lives. I don’t need a bunch of strangers showing up in my friends’ list to validate myself. I, also, refuse to accept friends requests for anyone under 18 years old. Not that I post dirty stuff (well, occasionally, I do) but  I have to ask WTH would some kid that I don’t even know want to be my friend? Where are their parents? I can just see the baby of “just sittin’ here” in 15 yrs or so requesting strangers to friend them. I even had a request from a 12 year old. The weird thing is that I have no idea who that kid was and could not find any connection between her and me. What’s up with that? How did she even get my profile? CRAZY!

and that brings me to something else that really bothers me. Don’t put your little kids pics on internet sites that can be viewed by just anyone. Some of you may remember that I came across a pedophile forum while looking for something totally different. I was sickened by the perverts on that forum. I joined under an assumed identity just to see what those crazies were up to and believe me, it was some disgusting shit. I sent the link to several news programs, Oprah, Perverted Justice,  and local law enforcement agencies. NOT A SINGLE ONE answered me. I checked it recently and sure enough, that pedo forum was still operating. And, two days ago, I googled “nerd forum” to find some funny comments (to post on a FB friend’s wall) and got, instead, another disgusting pedo forum! And, here’s what I really did learn….those scum of the earth search the internet for pictures of kids. Innocent photos that Mom, Dad, Granny, etc. have posted, never dreaming that some asshole is uploading it and jacking off to their little precious babies. DISGUSTING! They need to have their nuts sawed off with a blunt edged knife.

How can people hoard animals? A lady on television right at this minute has over 250 cats! Wouldn’t the hairballs become a huge problem after..oh, I dunno, maybe….10 cats?  I just didn’t realize that there were really so many Crazy Cat Ladies….

Actually, I have a crazy cat lady in my family. Some of y’all might remember Lacie….of Redneck Wedding fame. Lacie had more cats than I could count. I refrained from visiting Lacie very often due to the large population of roaches and cats. Animal control was called by neighbors to investigate the enormous cat population at Lacie’s house. You could go in to her house and the meowing was almost deafening. Cat and kitty heads and paws and tails were popping out of everywhere…under the sofa, on the table, in the closets, behind the commode….danged everywhere! Lacie is not quite right in the head and here is proof. Lacie use to call me up and put her newest cat on the phone. Jeez…on the friggin’ phone as if it wanted to have a conversation about Friskees or flea treatments or something. And, I swear, this is how it went EVERYTIME…

Lacie…”Here Cuddles (or Moby or Johnnycakes or Samson or Shithead, etc), say hi to your Aunt Barbie.”

Me…”Lacie…do NOT put that damn cat on the phone. It CANNOT talk and I will hang up if you do!”

Lacie…”Awww….Bowser (or Mohammed or Pinky or Fatso or…..) just wants to say hi to you.”

Me….”I swear, Lacie….I will hang up if you put that cat on the phone. Don’t do it.”

From the phone….”Meow, meow.”

From the phone on my end….”Clink”…I hung up. And, this didn’t happen just once or twice. Nooooo…..it happened often. I don’t call Lacie anymore unless it’s a family emergency. But, that hasn’t stopped our Lacie. Now, she sends me pictures with her cellphone. Pictures of her and Mr Drake. Her kids. And, her damn cats. Which brings me to another annoyance….

PEOPLE WHO FEEL THE NEED TO FORWARD EVERY DAMN CHAIN EMAIL THAT GET VIA CELLPHONE! STOP IT! I MEAN IT! STOP IT RIGHT NOW! GOD DOES NOT NEED ME TO FORWARD THAT TACKY ANGEL WATCHING OVER A KID PICTURE TO 20 PEOPLE TO PROVE THAT I AM NOT ASHAMED OF HIM!!!!!  I FIND IT VERY HARD TO BELIEVE THAT GOD WANTS ME TO ANNOY THE HELL OUT OF PEOPLE LIKE YOU DO ME BY FORWARDING ALL THOSE STUPID EMAILS!!!!!!

There is one major culprit of the email-forwarding in my life. And, it’s my sister. She not only forwards all of those emails accusing me of being ashamed of God if I don’t forward that crap, she forwards every Winnie the Pooh, Friendship/Sister/Laughing bears, monkeys, babies, and anything else that can make a sound. I’ve texted her back on several occasions and told her that I don’t read that crap and I just delete it so stop wasting my time but she stills does it. Once, I took a picture of my ass and wrote a “you must forward this to 12 people and something good will happen at 7:08 tonight!” text message. The next day I asked her if she got my message and she said that she did and she forwarded it to everyone in her address book. I asked her if she looked at the picture and she admitted that she had not. So, who knows how many people have a picture of my ass on their cellphone now?

Speaking of texting, I was sending one to my friend on Tuesday. Ya see…Tuesday was my anniversary and TPKen aka Big Shithead didn’t buy me anything.  And, made no plans for dinner. So, I decided to spend the afternoon with my good friend, Gin, and got somewhat tipsy. I was emailing my buddy who is on a different time zone. She asked me what time it was here and I texted back, “Dunno…can’t see my clock”. Only, I accidentally left the “l” out of clock. I couldn’t figure out why she texted me back, “That’s the best text message EVER.” Until I looked at my outbox messages. hahahah….seriously, folks, I couldn’t find that either! Before that Hall of Fame For Txt Fuckery, my message to TPSkipper saying, “Send pic of WalMart poop.” was #1.

Ow! My brain is in pain from all these thoughts. So, just one more….

I’m afraid to eat peas now due to the story about that man who had a pea sprout in his lungs.

So, that’s all for now. Gotta run and check on imjustsittinhere and she if she’s moved yet.

And as always….

Yeah, I’m A Loser…So What?

Beck………..

“soy un perdedor
i’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me
(get crazy with the cheese wiz)
soy un perdedor
i’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me
(drive by body pierce)”

Yep, I am a loooooser…..such a loser that I need to make the “L” sign on my forehead. Brandished like the Scarlet Letter woman only with a “L” instead of an “A”.

I have been doing some real loser things this week. Suddenly, it hit me today, that if I am doing loser things, I must be a LOSER!

Oh, I know, I know. Y’all are thinking, “No friggin’ way. TPB is not a loser. She’s hip. She’s hot…not just hot…but HAWT. She’s The Dali Mama…almost godlike.” OK…I went too far with the last one..or two. But, dammit, even us cool kids have our uncool moments. Right? Actually, I think the post office boy in his Fruit of the Looms and cowboys boots  has jinxed me somehow. I’ve spent so much time obsessively trying to stalk him, that…well what can I say? Maybe, he hexed me…put some kind of spell on me. So, here I am, all alone without even any good snacks or beers. Of course, this is due to my loser status because I can’t get motivated to …well…even move!

So before y’all start shouting, “No, no, no….TPB is NOT a loser”, let me tell you the loser things that I have done in the last week.

 I have given much thought as to what to do to take care of my boredom in the evenings. I almost cringe when I say this….but I am tired of shopping. It’s just not given me a thrill or a challenge any longer. Plus, my house was going to end up on TLC’s Hoarders if I didn’t stop. So here are what I have been substituting for my frequent shopping sprees.

1. I have decided to take up drinking wine. Wine is acceptable in society. Everyone drinks wine. I got the beer down pat but needed some help with wine. So, I went to Kroger’s. I had to pick up some grub anyway so I thought I’d kill 2 birds with one stone. Kroger’s sure has a lot of different wines. I picked up several bottles and put them back because I know nothing about wine…like what is good/bad/etc. I needed help. I spotted a clerk and called him over. He asked me for what type of wine was I wanting. Hell, I didn’t know. Why would I be asking a clerk in the grocery store if I knew what kind of wine I wanted? That’s what I wanted to say to him but instead, I said, “Well, I would like to take up drinking so I would like a nice beginner’s wine.”

Well, this threw him off but he did try to help me. Then he spotted another clerk who supposedly knew more about wine. This wine-expert suggested a nice BOX OF WINE. Now, as I said, I don’t know wine but I do know that I have an acquaintance who buys 2 boxes of wine every first of the month when she gets her govt check. I had a pretty fair idea that box wine was not what I wanted. Luckily, according to the two clerks that were trying to help me, there turned out to be somewhat of a wine expert working in the meat department. Whaddy know…a wine expert working back there with the chicken livers, salt pork, and hamburger! One clerk went to fetch him. So, he comes over and says, “What kind of wine would you like?”  Once again, I said, “I want a beginning wine. Then I’ll work up to intermediate wine. Then on to full fledge wino. That’s what I want. So, where Step 1 wine?” He pulled a bottle off of the shelf and said that a lot of people who don’t drink much drank that wine. It was supposed to taste like grape soda with a tad of alcohol after-taste. So, I bought it.

Then, I decided to get silly the other night and take a picture of me/my dummy head looking like (I) my dummy head was passed out. I had the wine bottle in front of me (my dummy head).

I posted this on Facebook and in the post before this one. I thought people would make funny comments. And, some did….BUT….then I started getting comments like this….

“why are you drinking passover wine”

“are you kosher”

“well, at least you’re kosher”

“didn’t know you were Jewish”

and….”is that REAL wine“

Turns out that I had bought a wine that is apparently used for religious sacraments or something. And, the shit doesn’t even taste good either! However, I did get an urge to curl my hair tightly at the sides of my face and wear a yarmulke and sing “Poppa Can You Hear Me” from that awful Streisand movie, “Yentl”.

edited to add….I got this in my email after I posted this….

Wine does not make you fat. It makes you LEAN….

against tables, chairs, walls, floors, and ugly people.

2. Someone unfriended me on Facebook! Now, this was not just anyone. This was someone who married into my family over 20 years ago. They got divorced recently. Since her behavior had become somewhat looney, I would occasionally check in and see what she was writing about. Then, things started getting good and heating up. I won’t go into detail and describe her, blah, blah, blah. I will tell you that what that girl was posting on Facebook was a totally different girl than I (or anyone else) had known in the past 20 yrs.  This very obese , mousey, meek person had turned into a real party girl. And, being the loser that I am, I just had to be nosey and read it ALL! When things started getting juicy, the biotch unfriended me. Now, I figured that she didn’t want any of the family know about her naughty little thoughts about the cable man, or picking up a guy in a bar. And, she either figured out how to block me or someone showed her how. Probably the latter since she’s not that smart. OK…I don’t know about y’all but the minute that I find out that somebody doesn’t want me to see what they are posting, well, I’m hell-bent to find out what it is. So, in true loser character, I spent literally hours trying to figure out who I could designate as our mutual friend.  I finally found a guy that I think is pretty cool, anyway, and immediately went about friended him. HAHAHHA….so now I’m back to getting my fix of reading her stupid posts which looks like they were written by a horny 13 year old. Yes, that’s loser behavior, alright. But, I must admit that I take a little satisfaction as well as pleasure in being able to read her posts while she thinks that I’m blocked!

PS…This was not nearly as hurtful as when I was unfrieded by Stedman Graham…Oprah’s BF. I spent an extensive amount of time trying to get some faux-celebs to be my friends so I could impress my other mundane friends. Stedman accepted my friend request and then turned around and unfriended me two weeks later. Stedman’s FB page is full of serious stuff about his consulting firm, business, guest speaking engagements and the like.  Who would have thought that he’d turn his back on me when I asked him to speak to the local meth clinic about drugs that he’d get his panties in such a wad? Sheesh…I thought he was my friend.

3. TPKen has a daughter by his first marriage. They have not been close for a long time. The only time that she ever comes around is when she wants….NO SURPRISE….MONEY! She has a teenage daughter who we use to see when she was little but then they moved out of state. A few years ago, I got word that the girl was leaving with this skanky thug right out the road from me. After doing a few drive-by lookins’, I realized that she was living there. She never even one time walked the short distance to our house to see us. And, to make matters worse, her friggin’ thug boyfriend and  a co-hort broke into our home and stole a lot of stuff worth mucho money! Real winners, let me tell ya! Well, recently, for reasons unknown just yet (hint hint $$$$$), the daughter and grand-daughter have decided to have a relationship aka $$$ with TPKen. They contacted him and set up a lunch date. I was invited but, sheeyet, I’m like this…once bitten twice shy….once robbed….twice loaded guns….and so forth. So, I turned the invite down. In the meantime, I was seriously hoping that this would turn out to be a real relationship based on love..not $$$$. HOWEVER, I hold to the saying, “Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer”. And being the whiz of computer snooping, I did a little digging. All this time, I am hearing about how quiet and sweet the g-daughter has become. Here’s what I found on her MySpace…

apparently she is not all that sweet, cause this is her actual words….

“stupid bitches take MY poems off my blog and post it (brittany pritchet) fucking whore. ima fuck you up slut! come get it”

hmmm…..very intriguing…so I looked at some more…..unfortunately, the rest of the post are so x-rated that I won’t even post them here.

So, I’m a big ol’ loser…..drinking passover wine and getting my kicks by being nosey! I sure wish I could find the underpants-wearing little nasty mouth cowboy so I could get him to take this hex off of me.

“gottalay go fuckin’ cops watchn cellsgood ring me”

Oh great! She wants to “fuck somebody up” and the cops are watching here. Do I tell TPKen? HELL NO! I ain’t getting in the middle of this one.

edited to add the latest in literary classics….”relaxing and doing my hubby all day llonnng“  Uh…doing what to her “hubby”. And, don’t ya have to be married to have a “hubby”? That word, “llonng” reminds me of the word llama for some reason. Just sayin’

and…”my sainty is missing..if you see it please send it my way“  Now, did she mean “sanity”, “saintly”, “Santa” ?

So, there you have it. I’m an admitted loser….drinking passover wine and snooping on people. I gotta find that little pantie-wearing cowpoke at the post office and get this hex taken off of me!

Put ‘Em Up Sissy Boys…..

I’ve been terribly busy and have not had any spare time to blog. But, early this evening, something took place and I feel compelled to report on it.

At one of my friends (d@bipolarchicksblogging ,who happens to have a great post on the swine flu) suggestion, I gave in and joined Twitter. Now, I have to say right up front that I could not begin to understand the interest or usefulness, for that matter, of Twitter. I figured that anybody who wanted to know what I was doing, what I was thinking, where I was going, etc. were already family, close friend,probation officer, or court appointed guardian and knew all that stuff about me already and didn’t have to go to Twitter to find out.

(JK about the probate officer and guardian……they don’t know what I’m doing)

All this mass communication is stressing me OUT!  Checking my email has become a chore. My inbox is totally full of “so and so” wants you to join Facebook/MySpace/PeopleWhoThinkJaneaneGarofaloIsAnUnwashedIdiot/etc. is keeping me hunched over either reading or deleting for waaaay too long. Not to mention all of the emailomercials for Viagra,”make big money at home”, and “studly singles in your area” . Just had a thought…..Viagra, make money at home, and studly singles…..hmmmmm……am I the target of hardened prostitutes trying to recruit me?

 Anyway, back to Twitter. Upon checking one of my email accounts today, I discovered that I had oodles and oodles of unread mail. I’m tellin’ ya and ya need to believe me…..I’ve been really BUSY! I started to just hit “delete all” but didn’t really want to take the chance of getting rid of something that I needed to read. And, sure enough, there was something that I needed to read.

The architect himself, Karl Rove is following me on Twitter!!!!!!!

At first I figured that it was just one of those things where some idiot (hmmm…like me) makes up or takes on a false name. I check Karl out and he was for real.

The email concerned the recent hooplah in the press about the infamous TORTURE DOCUMENTS!  Mr. Rove (or Archy as I like to call him)  was urging all readers to go read the actual documents about torture before we made up out minds about it. Seriously, I had already made my mind up. When we resort to beheadings  (think Daniel Pearl) and cutting off arms and legs, I just might rethink my positon. Meanwhile, my position is we should be allowed to do anything short of killing the American-hating, mass mudering scumbags  in order to get information out of them that could prevent thousands of deaths (think Twin Towers). Truthfully, I hold out on the death action only because dead terrorists can’t talk.

I read the documents and I WANT YOU TO READ THEM TO!!!! So, here is a link.

I have a few comments on the means of torture.

1. Attention grasp….Do ya ever remember when your Mom got really fed up with you acting out or fighting with your brothers and sisters? She would grab ya on either side of your face, look directly into your eyes and say ,”OK, that’s just about enough of this, little lady/man!”

That’s the attention grasp in a nutshell.

2. Walling…..a person is placed with his heels touching a flexible wall. In effect, the person is pulled forward and allowed to fall backward, thus creating a LOUD NOISE and perhaps providing a shock (not electrical) to the person’s senses.

Well, rootytootpoot…..This is nothing new. Haunted houses have used this action for as long as I can remember to scare the bejeezus out of paying customers. Nobody that I have ever known has suffered long lasting consequences from this. Crikeys….those terrorists are real sissy boys. BOO! Now, go cry titty-babies!!!!

2.Facial slap. (insult slap)…hands are open with fingers spread. Face is slaped lightly using fingers only.

Seriously, folks….is this really torture? Girlie-men have slapped liked this for as long as I can remember.

5. Cramped confinement….cramped confinement? Talk to the Octomom’s kids about cramped confinement!

6. Wall standing….Sheeeyut…we were made to do this in high school gym class.

7. Sleep deprivation…This reminds me of something…let me think. Oh yeah……the first 3 months of both of my daughter’s lives.‘

8. Stress positions….These must have been taken from the Karma Sutra

9. Insects in box….A CATERPILLAR? Nuff said…for explanation, read the documents.

10. The waterboard…..Admittedly not pleasant but used for years by fraternaties in hazing. Also, used by my older brothers on me and my sister for sheer entertainment. My mom would then do the “attention grasp” on each of them, make them do a little “wall standing” and  then put them in “cramped confinement”.

So, that’s my take on the big bad terrorists being tortured. Hope you will take my advice and go read the docs.

Let’s Play “What’s In My Inbox”?

• My post yesterday was about the bombardment of male enhancement products flooding the market today. 

See Stamina Pillows/Male Enhancement  from yesterday.

 

 

I’m wondering how DO we get on these lists? Today, in my email, I got this:

 

 

Leivtra and Propecia for real Men- get it here.‏  I wasn’t going to post the link but, just in case any of you are limp AND bald, I thought I’d hook ya up. If Mr. Peepers won’t stand up and your head is cold due to the cold  winter weather, I’ll do my part since you are taking the time to read my blog.

Disclaimer: TrailerParkBarbie is in no way connected to any person/group/company who manufactures/sells/promises products that will cure droopy d*ck or hairless heads. Nor, am I endorsing such products.  No money or free products are received by me, Trailerparkbarbie. The only “payment” that I receive is the email itself which provides me with much snickering and material for this blog.

I just thought of a real story about some real people that exist in real life. Pammy* and Tommy* (names changed to protect the stupid) have been married for 15 years. Tommy had begun to lose hair before they married. Every year, Tommy’s once thick black mane was becoming thinner and thinner. Being in a sales job that required him to look his very best, Tommy had begun to fret about the patches of very thin hair that were getting larger and larger. BUT, it was an unwritten NO-NO to any way mention Tommy’s locks or lack of.

One week, Tommy left for a short sales trip about 50 miles away. When he left that morning, he looked something like this……

 When Tommy returned home that evening, he looked something like this……

I’m pretty sure that everyone (unless they were blind) in Tommy’s life could easily see a big difference. But, here is the kicker……

Tommy comes homes with a full head of hair and his wife never mentions it. Well, not to him anyway. Pammy was more than ready to tell us about all the new products lining Tommy’s side of the bathroom shelf now. And, we were all sworn to secrecy. We had to promise not to say one single word about Tommy’s new mop.

Even though, this was weird to us, we kept our promise and never said a word about the sudden visit from the Hair Fairy.

Once a month or so, Tommy would go out of town on a sales call and hair maintenace trip. Since he could easily disguise his hair trip by having to make a legitmate business trip, it worked out for him. UNTIL, he got fired from his job. Since he no longer has the excuse of sales trips, Tommy just disappears for one day a month. He comes back with his luxurious locks shiny and styled.

WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS FOOLING?

I got one email that I was really happy to receive this morning. It was from a blogger whose blog I really enjoy. I came across it while surfing  BlogExplosion. I had run through several blogs when this one caught my eye. It is soooo funny. The graphics are outstanding. I wish that I could do half of what  MadHaiku does. If you want a funny, entertaining break from whatever you are doing right now, go read Moby Dick In Haiku.  And, the MadHaiku Guy let me add him to my blogroll. Thanks MHG!!!!

I got this message from my brother-in-law:

  ::: BREAKING NEWS :::  

In 2009 the government will start
deporting all the mentally ill people.

I starte d crying when I thought of you.

Run my little crazy friend, RUN!

It’s sooooo cold here. It’s about 8 degrees at the moment. Birds are flying so low that I can see the assicles hanging from them. I’m trying to pump myself up enough to gather blankets to stick in the dog house. We got this dog last January and he was a pup. My husband (who claims to not like animals but is lying) went to the store and bought a huge heating pad…..about 24 inches by 12 inches. It was electric so he attached it to the floor of the doghouse and put some Berber carpet over it. He ran an extension cord to an outside outlet and ran the heating pad 24/7. The dog was being kept very cozy. One day when he (the dog not my husband) was apparently bored, he managed to chew up the carpet and  totally destroyed the heating pad.Being that the cord was very well covered and hidden, we still don’t know how he managed to do that.

Got this from one of my friends who calls me “anti-social” because I won’t sign up for a Facebook account….

Somehow or other, I managed to end up on Goodwill Stores’ newsletter. Now, along with the many messages from Belk, Target, Amazon, Overstock.com, etc., I get this……..Shop Goodwill. I could almost swear that some of those items are stuff from my house that I donated to my local Goodwill. This message was attached…..

SPOTLIGHT: Love and Romance

 

“Love is a many-splendored thing. What better time than now to plan that special romantic surprise for the love of your life? For a truly memorable event, shopgoodwill.com can help you find dozens of unique gift ideas, lamps and candles for mood lighting, soft romantic music CDs, a telescope for watching the stars late at night and even a little black dress. Can you see it now? Well then, what are you waiting for? Get started planning at shopgoodwill.com.”

Oooo-weeeee!  I don’t know ’bout y’all, but nothing says “I’m Crazy About You!”  more than a  sweat-stained, second hand dress boxed up with some slightly burned candles. Now, that’ll put ya right in the mood for romance  homicide. 

 

Also, recieved the usual “You Have Been Chosen/Help/UK Lottery Winner” crap. Just 2 this morning, though.

 

So, that’s it. I’m sure the day will bring more interesting articles, pictures, and ads.

What did you get in your inbox today? Something unusual or funny? Share it!!!!

 

PS….My formatting on this post sucks. I’m not sure what I’ve done to mess it up…..no paragrah breaks,etc. I’ve tried editing it 4 times with no luck. Any ideas what I’m doing wrong?