Bring In The Clowns…Don’t Bother, They’re Here

First, thank you to Stan for the last post. I enjoyed it very, very much. And, thanks for setting up our Q&A page.

I’ve got stuff to post about such as:

The latest news on “Lacy” of  Real Redneck Wedding post.

Plus, I, uh, well, it’s like this…no beating around the bush, I succumbed to the pressure from all the mags, television, movies, and social networking sites that tout products to make me look so young that I’d  need to be diapered.

I got BOTOX!!! Well, hell, y’all know that I can’t resist talking about this kind of stuff instead of being a classy woman and keeping my trap plum shut.

 So, two hopefully good reality post coming soon.

In the meantime, I want to share something that I got in my email. I don’t know who wrote it. If any of you do, let me know and I’ll give them the full credit that they so richly deserve.

 

How soon until reality sinks in? 

ass on ass

And it came to pass in the Age of Insanity that the people of the land

called America , having lost their morals, their initiative, and their

will to defend their liberties, chose as their Supreme Leader that

person known as “The One.”

He emerged from the vapors with a message that had no meaning; but He hypnotized the people telling them, “I am sent to save you.” My lack of experience, my questionable ethics, my monstrous ego, and my association with evil doers are of no consequence. I shall save you with hope and Change. Go, therefore, and proclaim throughout the land that he who proceeded me is evil, that he has defiled the nation, and that all he has built must be destroyed. And the people rejoiced, for even though they knew not what “The One” would do, he had promised that it was good; and they believed. And “The One” said ” We live in the greatest country in the world. Help me change everything about it!”

And the people said, “Hallelujah! Change is good!”

Then He said, “We are going to tax the rich fat-cats.” And the people said “Sock it to them!” “And redistribute their wealth.” And the people said, “Show us the money!” And then he said, “redistribution of wealth is good for everybody.”

And Joe the plumber asked, “Are you kidding me? You’re going to steal my money and give it to the deadbeats??” And “The One” ridiculed and taunted him, and Joe’s personal records were hacked and publicized.

One lone reporter asked, “Isn’t that Marxist policy?” And she was banished from the kingdom!

Then a citizen asked, “With no foreign relations experience and having zero military experience or knowledge, how will deal with radical terrorists?” And “The One” said, “Simple. I shall sit with them and talk with them and show them how nice we really are; and they will forget that they ever wanted to kill us all!” And the people said, “Hallelujah!! We are safe at last, and we can beat our weapons into free cars for the people!”

 

Then “The One” said “I shall give 95% of you lower taxes.” And one, lone voice said, “But 40% of us don’t pay ANY taxes.” So “The One” said, “Then I shall give you some of the taxes the fat-cats pay!” And the people said, “Hallelujah! Show us the money!”

Then “The One” said, “I shall tax your Capital Gains when you sell your homes!” And the people yawned and the slumping housing market collapsed. And He said, “I shall mandate employer-funded health care for every worker and raise the minimum wage. And I shall give every person unlimited health care and medicine and transportation to the clinics.” And the people said, “Give me some of that!” Then he said, “I shall penalize employers who ship jobs overseas.” And the people said, “Where’s my rebate check?”

Then “The One” said, “I shall bankrupt the coal industry and electricity rates will skyrocket!” And the people said, “Coal is dirty, coal is evil, no more coal! But we don’t care for that part about higher electric rates.” So “The One” said, Not to worry.. If your rebate isn’t enough to cover your expenses, we shall bail you out. Just sign up with the ACORN and you troubles are over!”

Then He said, “Illegal immigrants feel scorned and slighted. Let’s grant them amnesty, Social Security, free education, free lunches, free medical care, bi-lingual signs and guaranteed housing…” And the people said, “Hallelujah!” and they made him King!

And so it came to pass that employers, facing spiraling costs and ever-higher taxes, raised their prices and laid off workers. Others simply gave up and went out of business and the economy sank like unto a rock dropped from a cliff.

The banking industry was destroyed. Manufacturing slowed to a crawl. And more of the people were without a means of support..

Then “The One” said, “I am the “the One”- The Messiah – and I’m here to save you! We shall just print more money so everyone will have enough!” But our foreign trading partners said unto Him. “Wait a minute. Your dollar is not worth a pile of camel dung! You will have to pay more…” And the world said, “Wait a minute. That is unfair!!” And the world said, “Neither are these other idiotic programs you have embraced. Lo, you have become a Socialist state and a second-rate power. Now you shall play by our rules!”

And the people cried out, “Alas, alas!! What have we done?” But yea verily, it was too late. The people set upon The One and spat upon him and stoned him, and his name was dung. And the once mighty nation was no more; and the once proud people were without sustenance or shelter or hope. And the Change “The One” had given them was as like unto a poison that had destroyed them, and like a whirlwind that consumed all that they had built.

And the people beat their chests in despair and cried out in anguish, “give us back our nation and our pride and our hope!!” But it was too late, and their homeland was no more.

You may think this a fairy tale, but it’s not.

It’s happening RIGHT NOW

BRING ON THE CLOWNS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don’t bother, they’re here……. 

 

 

  

Letter From Gandad….

I got this in my email this morning. Neither of my trailerpark kids voted for Obama. Nor did I or TPKen. I thought this was worth sharing with y’all. I don’t know where it originated. If any of you do, please let me know and I’ll give them the credit for it.

 

 Guess you heard that 68% of the youth vote went to Obama. My granddaughter called this morning to tell me she was one of them.  So, I replied with this e-mail:
 
            Dear Susan,
 
            The election of Obama comes down to this. Your grandmother and I, your mother, and other productive, wage-earning taxpayers will have their taxes increased and that means less income left over. Less income means we will have to cut back on basic purchases, gifts and handouts.
 
       That includes firing the Hispanic lady who cleans our house twice a month. She just lost her job. We can’t afford her anymore.
 
            What is the economic effect of Obama’s election on you personally?  Over the years, your grandmother and I have given you thousands of dollars in food, housing, cash, clothing, gifts, etc.  By your vote, you have chosen another family over ours for help. So in the future, if you need assistance with your rent, money for gas, tires for your car, someone to bring you lunch, etc. … simply call: 
202-456-1111 .  That’s the telephone number for the Office of the President of the  United States .  I’m sure Mr. Obama will be happy to send a check from his personal or business accounts, as we have, or leave cash in an envelope taped to his front door for you, as we have.
 
            It’s like this. Those, like you, who vote for the President of the   United States   should consider what the impact of an election will be “on the nation as a whole” and not just be concerned with what they can get for themselves (welfare, stimulus checks, etc.). What Obama voters don’t seem to realize is that the government’s money comes from taxes collected from tax paying families. Raising taxes on productive people means they will have less money to spend on their families.
 
            Congratulations on your choice.  For future reference, you might attempt to add up all you’ve received from us, your mom, Mike’s parents and others and compare it to what you expect to get over the next four years from Mr. Obama.
 
            To congratulate Mr. Obama and to make sure you’re on the list for handouts, write to:
 
            The White House
            1600 Pennsylvania Ave. NW
              Washington ,   DC      20500

        I  Love you Susan, but from now on, please write to the office listed above, or call them, whenever you need help.
 
            Grandad

PS….At the present time, I would not be able to help out my kids or anybody else. Thanks to Acorn, narcisstic, left wing actos (you’re an idot Sean Pean), and of course, The Messiah of the poor and Al Qaeda, Barney Frankenstein, and of course, Nancy ME-losi, TPKen and I have lost more than half of our IRA’s. This hurts us financially in a huge way. Being the owners of a small business, we had to save our own retirement money.  I spent a lot of time clipping coupons, shopping clearance sales, and learning how to do many things myself instead of hiring a professional to be able to deposit money into our IRAs . Mr. B. O. stole the money that we were planing to use to live on after we retire. So, now I can do one of 3….

1. Put in an application as a WalMart greeter.

2. Just keep quiet, let Mr. BO take the rest and find out where the line is forming for handouts.

3. Pack up, head to D.C. and see if one of the Obama girl’s will let me bunk with them.

I’m really pissed off and will stop writing so as to keep myself from getting in T-R-O-U-B-L-E with Big Brother.

Let me just add one more thing. I do all the stuff year round for the business such as payroll, quarterly taxes, acquiring supplies and whatever else is needed to run the business. TPKen does the income taxes at the end of the year. This year, after that audit, he was overly-cautious and probably didn’t claim us much stuff as he should have. Needless to say, we are paying a SHITLOAD of taxes. A shitload is a lot of money, friends.

Well, at least I can use the category, “SEX”  on this post. Mr. BO is screwing me every single day and in just about every single way.

Now, I’m off to do the quarterly reports. The fun never ends.

A Small 1 Finger Gesture of My Appreciation….

Well, I finally put it off as long as I could. I got up the nerve to open my recent IRA statements.

We’ve lost somewhere between EIGHTY and NINETY THOUSAND DOLLARS in the last few months!!!!!!!!

I demand a bailout!!!!! Obama……how can you sit back knowing that some of us have worked our asses off for many years and put money in IRAs, counting on them for retirement? Little peons like myself do not have the luxury of the salary of a Senator, Congressman, dumbass Nancy Pelosi, etc. being protected and not having to worry. 

 Meanwhile, every bank, car company, mortgage companies, and other mismanaged businesses are being bailed out not once, not twice, but in some cases THREE times!!!!!

I am seriously pissed off!

So, here’s a little token of my unapreciation for all the help that any of you stupid assholes  having given me…….

No, wait…..you haven’t given me any! So, this is for all of the non-help that  I have received from you.

And, here’s a lil sumptin’ sumptin’ for you crooks who stole money from hard working Americans who believed in you.

 

 Don’t be surprised if many Americans in my situation reply with this…….

PS…..Dear Mr Obama…..please hurry up and give me my incentive rebate. The box of  turkey and deer turds that I wanted to mail to you and your Democratic crazies cost more in postage than I thought that it would. Even parcel post is more than I can afford.

My Run-In With “The Ladies Man”…

 

 

I’ve been totally jazzed up about my stimulus check!!!! In fact, I’ve been so excited that I crept down into the basement and borrowed one of my husband’s hammer. Had to be really quiet since he doesn’t like loaning out his tools. Thank goodness that I remember to stick it in the dishwasher and then wipe it down with alcohol wipes before I put it back. I have a sneakin’ suspicion that he can smell the scent of another human on his t ool equipment hammer. “Tool” and “equipment” could have been taken the wrong way. Not to say, that he can’t smell another human on his……oh boogers, you know what I mean.

Anyway, I borrowed the hammer to break my little pink piggy bank that says, “EMERGENCIES ONLY!” in big black letters on the sides.  However, I felt justified doing that since I’m gonna be able to replace the $13.00 that I took out just as soon as I get that big ol’ check at the United States Post Office!

Now, remember, regular readers (the number is almost in double digits now), I am a compulsive shopper. And, obsess about things that I could’ve/should’ve purchased when I was last in a department store. I’ve tried to reason with myself saying if I had wanted/needed it that badly, I would have bought it then. Never works. Never ever ever. It doesn’t work because I cannot fool myself. I, simply put, LOVE shopping. I know that it’s a quick-fix for whatever is going badly in life.  (fancy psycho babble…lol) And, most likely, I will never be able to totally overcome it. Oh well, could be worse. I shop clearance and sales thus avoiding spending huge amounts of money and losing my home. The money doesn’t really amount to all that much. It’s the time that I spend plus all the crap piling up sometimes that’s the problems.

Being the seasoned and serious consumer that I am, I didn’t let the 6 inches of snow (and bigass flakes still fallin’) stop me from hopping in my car and heading out. With visions of cash registers ringing, I headed to my favorite store. This store is a local chain and it has the best clearance sales in the whole country. We’re not talking Faded Glory or Tuff Skins stuff. We’re talking Lauren, Ann Taylor, Nike, and the like. I started sweating just thinking about all those $2 and $3 items. I could buy six $2 and have enough for tax or I could buy four $3 items and have the tax. I was trembling in anticipation.

That store was unusally crowded with the  roads were so slick and the snow  still falling. But, I’m pretty good at darting in and out of a crowd. Not braggin’, but you should see me on black Friday, the day after Thanksgiving. If medals were given, I’d win the gold everytime. I’m the Michael Phelps of shopping except I’m not stupid enough to let anybody snap my picture with a bong. I do have a bong, though. No, I don’t use it. I bought it at an auction with other crap that I don’t use. It’s an original and probably dates back to the original hippie movement. Not that the bong has anything to do with this story, just thought I’d throw that in for the heck of it.

I browsed the store for a while and checked out the clearance racks in each and every department. That’s a big part of my problem. I don’t have any babies, extra-large men, or skinny teenagers who wear size zero. Nonetheless, I’m not satisfied until I look at everything.  The shoe department was a bonanza of bargains. This store marks stuff down to MOVE and there were lots of name brand shoes marked to just a few bucks. I found a pair of  Softees that were really cute. They were flats, black with a gold buckle. It sounds like I’m describing Pilgrim shoes but they were not like that. The shoes were marked down to THREE BUCKS and even though, they were one-half size too small….HEY! Who could pass up that deal? I figured that they might stretch after a few wears. Of course, my reasonable side was telling me that I had several pairs of shoes in my closet that were one-half size too small and they never stretched to fit. But, maybe, this one pair would. If not, they would go into one of the Goodwill boxes that I manage to make myself fill a few times a year.

I wandered over to the lingerie/pj department. I found a pair of pj’s that were a couple of sizes too big but they were only $4!!!!! Since they were all cotton, I thought that they may shrink a little in a hot wash. If not, they would go into the Goodwill box…….

Then, I spotted the marked down Valentine stuff! JACKPOT!!!! Boxes of candy marked 75% off ! Admittedly, it was the crappy left-over candy that nobody wants but I figured that I could freeze it and give it to somebody that wasn’t too choosy with their chocolates.

I looked at the clock over the doorway and realized that I had been in there much longer than I thought that I had. Two hours had passed and I hadn’t even checked the Big Man XXXXL stuff yet. Out of all the stuff that I just listed that I looked at or bought, the XXXL stuff makes the most sense. Usually, items in this size bring fairly good money on eBay. Except lately, eBay has been hit hard by the economy and most stuff either doesn’t sell or doesn’t make a profit if it does sell.  Common sense took over for once and I decided to bypass that department and go check-out.

As I said, this is a fairly small department store and it only has a total of six registers. In the many times that I have shopped there, I have never seen all 6 registers open at the same time. This day was no exception and only 3 registers were opened. And, all 3 had fairly long lines at them. I’m one of those people who will change registers everytime that I think one might be moving faster than the others. Of course, this is always a stupid move because just as soon as I get in another line, it stops moving. After changing register lines twice, I figured that I’d be just as well off staying at the one that I was currently in.

Stores put all kinds of stuff around the registers to entice us to buy while standing in line. Of course, I almost always fall for this type of marketing. But, this day, luckily, I couldn’t spot a darn thing that beckoned me to BUY BUY BUY! I resigned myself to just standing and waiting. Then, a man behind me started talking to me and since this is a good way to pass register-standing time, I talked back.

He was buying several pair of  black silk boxer shorts with Valentine’s hearts on them. Marked to $1.00, I noticed this with my trained “red-tagged/clearance sticker” trained eye. He was, also, buying some of those over-the-counter reading glasses…..the ones that are really just magnifyers. Those were marked to 25 cents each. I commented that I should buy some of those because I had spent several days going to optician’s places to get my new eye-prescription filled. I told him that the price of glasses had more than doubled since I had bought any. We start chit-chatting and I begin having this nagging feeling that I had met him somewhere before this day. Then it hit me! He reminded me of Leon Phelps, The Ladies Man. Leon is a character played by Tim Meadows and started as a skit on Saturday Nite Live but then later was made into a movie.

                                   Leon Phelps : What is love? What is this longing in our hearts for togetherness? Is it not the sweetest flower? Does not this flower of love have the fragrant aroma of fine, fine diamonds? Does not the wind love the dirt? Is not love not unlike the unlikely not it is unlikened to? Are you with someone tonight? Do not question your love. Take your lover by the hand. Release the power within yourself. Your heard me, release the power. Tame the wild cosmos with a whisper. Conquer heaven with one intimate caress. That’s right don’t be shy. Whip out everything you got and do it in the butt. By Leon Phelps

OK…I now begin to think of this guy as Leon Phelps and the heartsy silk boxer shorts were making a lot of sense.

Leon Phelps : “My name is Leon Phelps, and to those of you that are uninitiated, I am an expert in the ways of love. I have made love to many fine ladies from the lowliest bus station skank to the classiest most sophisticated, educated, debutant, high society… bus station skank. “

Now, I was having a hard time listening to what he was saying without picturing him cruising bus stations for skanks while wearing his Valentine clearance boxers.I forced myself to quit thinking about this and be polite enough to listen to what he was saying. He was telling me about some female friends of his that had ordered their eyeglasses from the internet. I had never even thought about doing that and didn’t even know that it could be done. So, I was a bit intrigued by the idea and asked him from what site on the internet were they ordering . “Leon” moved a little closer to me  in a chummy sorta way. He was ending every sentence with a great big, bad-wolf-like smile. He said that if I would give him my cellphone number, he would find out more info and give me a call. Then out of the clear blue, he asked me where I lived and did I have a husband.

This was a big OMG! moment. Leon was hitting on me.  I’m no Angelina Jolie but I’m no Phyllis Diller, either. I’ve had my share of flirting but most of it was before I had become a middle aged mother of two adult daughters. Still, I know when someone is coming on to me. And, “Leon” was!

I did some really quick thinking and told him that I did not own a cellphone.  I told him that I found them to be annoying and did not desire the constant interruptions that cellphone bring with them. This is partly true…..as you will see. I do find cellphones to be annoying. I hate to here them constantly ringing and hate, even more, to hear people talking/shouting to someone on the other line anywhere and everywhere. Either there are a lot of deaf people calling people with cellphones or people just don’t realize that others cannot help hearing every word of their personal conversations since they are talking so loudly.

Then it happened as if on cue. The damn cellphone in my purse started to ring. Not knowing what else to do, I just pretended that I didn’t hear it. Leon, with his dazzling smile, was looking very puzzled. The cellphone kept ringing. Leon asked me if that ringing was coming from my purse. I said no. The cellphone stopped ringing and I felt a huge sense of relief.

Then, it started ringing again. I was pretty positive that it was TrailerParkSkipper, who never gives up calling until I answer. Now, Leon was staring at me. He said that he was pretty sure that the ringing was coming from my purse. I insisted that it was not. The clerk was now giving me a funny look. The phone kept ringing. I ignored it. Leon was looking at me in a “you are crazy, lady” way. BUT, he was still trying to look what I think was his “come to big daddy” look.

THE LADIES MAN….Leon Phelps..” I will probably begin with a very classy first line… something like: say, sweet thing, can I buy you a fish sandwich? ”

OK….I could do one of two things at that moment. I could put on my “oh, how silly of me. It seems that I do own a cellphone” act. Or, I could cut and run. I chose the second.

For the first time in a long, long time (if ever), I laid my items down and fled the store.  I rushed to my car, hunkered down so as not to be seen, and waited until I saw The Ladies Man exit the store with his bag of silk boxer shorts. Then, I went back in, scooped up my items and paid. The clerk asked me if everything was alright since she had witnessed me leaving like my ass was on fire. I told her that I had remembered that I had left my money in my car and had to go get it.

She said that she thought it was because of the guy hitting on me in line. She said that she had to bite her lip to keep from laughing when my cellphone rung.

Thank goodness that I hadn’t just imagined that.  The lesson that I learned from this is to remember to turn my cellphone either off or on vibrate.

Vibrate…..I think Leon would like that word.

 

Cheap White Trash Christmas Gifts…

I’ve been pretty busy lately but darn-it, I can’t let y’all down this year. Last year’s WT gift ideas was pretty popular. This year, with the economy in the toilet, I feel that it is my White Trash duty to help you come up with gifts for each and everyone on your lists!

And speaking of toilet…..This Mammy toilet paper cover will just scream “Ho Ho Ho” all year long. You can find the instructions here. Can’t crochet? Neither can I!!! So, I just buy a bottle of Mrs. Butterworth, smash the head off of it and just use it straight up on the toilet paper. Make sure that all glass shards are off of it, though. Otherwise, you will have to make the gift receiver one of these….To make your own soulful first-aid kit, cut bandage shapes from colored paper, write out motivating quotes (ex. Be careful with glass around your ass!) and well-wishes, and present them in a doctored-up bandage box. What kind of Scrooge would not enjoy reading motivational words what sitting on the john??????

I can hear some of you saying right now, “But, TPB, I can’t afford yarn much less Band Aids or Mrs. Butterworth. Never fear, my friends. This next gift is my personal fav. And, the best thing is…it’s TOTALLY FREE!

Gift certificates and coupons……FREE! FREE! FREE! How? Easy as 1-2-3. Go to your local post office at least once a day. If possible, make several trips. Make sure that you are carrying something that looks like mail that either you have received or are going to stick in the box. Casually, cruise the trash cans. Train your eyes to spot discarded goodies. I, personally, have recovered $10 off $10 for JC Penney’s, Fashion Bug,Kohl’s and Lane Bryant. Keep your eye peeled for discarded magazines. I haven’t paid for a magazine in well on 5 years. For the little ones…..look for envelopes with return addresses such as Society for the Blind, Disabled Veterans and such. These usually contain FREE stuff like bright stickers for that little one on your list. Two years straight, I lucked out and got Christmas cards and calendars…..big buck savers!!!!!!

However, you probably want to wait until the lobby is empty. You don’t want to run the risk of being accused of stealing people’s identities. Some people get down-right nasty if they see an envelope with their name on it in your hands. But, IMO, they shouldn’t throw good stuff away! Nosey boogers!!!!!!

Here’s one that has proven popular year after year……Handmade jewelry. String something on fishing line or thread. Suggestions of things to string…..marcaroni, popcorn, Fruit Loops, Cheerios (any cereral with a hole), penne pasta, marshmallows or anything that you have laying around that will accomodate a needle. Got an extra buck or two? Go to the Dollar Store and buy some spray paint and decorate your jewelry in festive colors.

Now, here’s a thougtful present that’s sure to please the office worker on your list. A paper weight! The second part of paper weight is weight. Just go outside and look around until you fin a big-ass rock. Then use your imagination to decorate it. Glitter it! Write something endearing with a magic marker on it.Tie a big bow around it and there ya go!  That’s not exactly the rock that I had in mind, but, hey…..he’d do just fine!

Ornaments….Take different sizes of paper cups, wrap outside with Dollar Store aluminum foil. Turn upside down and VOILA…a silver bell for your favorite person.

Next time, we’ll learn how to make decorations out of discarded stuff or things that you already have around the house.

Such as….TAMPON LIGHTS…

Who says that you need money to spread the joy of the season????

Things