Got One Scratched Off My Bucket List!

Yes, I know….two posts in one day! I hope it’s not too much excitement for any of you.

So…here we gooooooo…..

Today is a very busy day! I was on the couch with a “bug” all week and have so much catching up to do.  Laundry, cleaning, catching up on all my recorded episodes of reality shows, etc.

Around 10:30, I decided that I might be more energetic if I actually got dressed out of the pj’s that I had been wearing since Thurs. Or, did I put them on Wed? Doesn’t matter either way because they were starting to smell bad enough to knock a buzzard off of a shit wagon.

I was in the bathroom drying off when I heard the doorbell ring. I rushed and put on my once-plush bathrobe and went to the door. There, before me, stood two very well-dressed and distinguished looking gentlemen. Here I am with crazy hair (my hair IS crazy until I dry and smooth it down) dressed in a bathrobe that has a hole located near a very private area (lets’ just say that I was getting a good airing out down there).

“I’ll bet you think we are Jehovah’s Witnesses.”…..the tallest man said.

 

“Well, either that or somebody trying to sell me encyclopedias that nobody ever uses anymore,” I replied.

The man chuckled politely and said, “No, we are JW’s and would like to take a moment of your time.”

My very weird brain starts processing this and what I could do to turn it into a positive experience for ME. It’s not that I have anything against JW’s. I actually admiring their balls going door to door with people slamming doors in their faces and calling them Satan Spawn and stuff. That takes major dedication.

And it went like this…..

JW….”God wants us to read the Bible everyday and follow its instructions.”

Me…”I agree. My pastor has preached on that many, many, many times.”

JW…”Are you familiar with our beliefs and our magazines?” And, he hands me a Watch Tower mag.

Me..”Why, yes I am. Actually, my sister was a JW before she passed away a few years ago.”

JW…”I’m sorry to hear that. What did she share with you”?

Me…”She said that she laughed her butt off at all the people knocking themselves out Christmas shopping. She said that, being a JW and not celebrating Christ’s birthday, she got some killer sales the day after Christmas. She got twice as much stuff for half as much money.”

JW….”clear his throat”…..”Oh! I meant about our fundamental beliefs about God.”

Me…”Oh! Well, actually we agreed to not discuss our differences in beliefs”.

JW…”And, what is your belief?:

Me…”I believe that God loves everyone. And, I love everyone, too. I love Jewish people, Muslims, Catholics, Protestants and everybody except corrupt government people. Why, I LOVE you! Do you love me?”

JW….(somewhat flustered)….”Yes, I love you.”

Me…”.well, then would you mind helping me set up my Christmas tree?”

JW…”We don’t celebrate Christmas. You said that you knew that.”

Me…”Well, that doesn’t mean that I don’t celebrate Christmas. Don’t you believe in helping other people?”

JW…”Of course, we believe in helping others but we can not take part in what we consider a pagan holiday.”

Me…”Well, can’t you just think of it as helping a lady put up a big, live plant in her house that she puts lots of lights on to battle SAD (seasonal affective disorder)?

JW…”I think we have kept you out in the cold long enough. So, we will be on our way.”

Me…”Awww, come on. Let’s put up the tree and then I’ll fix us some Rudolph The Red Nose Reindeer slow gin fizzes. It would warm you up for going door to door in the cold.”

 JW…”No, thank you. We must be on our way. We have a lot of territory to cover today.”

Me….”What if I turn on the DVR and let you watch my recorded show of The Most Hated Family in America. It’s a great documentary about the God Hates Fags church.”

JW….(headed down the porch steps)….”It was nice talking to you. Have a good day!’

Me…”come back…come back….you can help me wrap presents!”

JW…waves from the protection of his car and leaves.

Gosh…that was fun!!!!!

Some Spam Is Downright Funny….

I’m not sure how or why I started getting at least one half dozen ads for anything and everything related to a penis every day. I must have signed up for something that generated all of this spam. And, believe me, whatever  I signed up for was totally unrelated to this crap because I do not nor never have had a penis. Most of the time, I just delete the email but every once in a while, one will catch my eye due to the seriously bad spelling. I got one today that caught my eye just as I hit the delete button. I was so curious as to what it said that I went into my deleted stuff and read it. I know that you’ve all gotten that email that has all of the words with letters left out to test you to see if you can read it. This email is kinda like that. Is it disturbing or strange that I can actually read all of it?

Let’s see if you can……

IfYouHadA H arde rPe ni sYouCoul dRe allyPlea sur eY our G i rl‏

Mnior injruies froum disrupetrs–graezs and falsh-cutes–wuold beign to heeil in egiht to a hudnred huors, utnended. Thais weis epdiermal tsisue oenly. Tehre weis no recnet rpeort on utnended inetrnal huamn injruies, execpt, of cuorse, somwehere in the flies of soume mercilsesly curiuos Kilngon laboraotry. If he colud stabliize Aaorn’s condtiion loeng enoguh to fiend nighthsade and ditsill a crdue herat stmiulant of soume kiend–if he colud mainatin blo-od-transfsuions to keepi his herat gonig–if he colud oenly get enoguh sle-ep to keepi froum maikng msitakes

I don’t know what “mnior injruies froum disrupetrs” has to do with one having a  H arde rPe ni s unless the minor injuries are from getting kick in the nuts for being an atrocious speller. I think that the originator of the email must  not  get enoguh sle-ep to keepi froum maikng msitakes!

Yeah, sometimes spam is almost worth reading.

BTW…This is especially for, Jan!

Celebrating My Poontang…..

Hey, y’all…….guess what? My poontang is more popular as blablabla’s (and her’s is listed on a professional coochie site called LonelyWivesAffairs.) BTW….she’s the one who looks like she’s getting it on with a telephone pole.

I was checking my stats and saw that I had over 7,000 hits on my poontang post! And, at the other blog that I co-author, I’ve had over 3,000 hits on it. That’s 10,000 hits on the all vajayjay. Of course, I’m talking about blog hits not literally whacking my cooter. Now that would make for one black and blue twatter!

……….My Poontang Post

So, let’s have a Poontang Post celebration.

I brought cake……

Coochie Cake

and we’re gonna………

…….and believe me…..MINE WAS!

How would y’all (my blog girlfriends and some boyfriends) enjoy a nice, nasty stripper show? Yeah…..I thought that you might………

So, now to the guest list

1. All of y’all (my blog buddies).

2. Elizabeth Edwards John Edwards Rielle Hunter

3. The Obamas

4. The McCains

5 .Bill and Hillary Clinton

6. Casey Anthony

7. Bill O’reilly and Keith Oberman and Ann Coulter

8. George Clooney

9. David Cook, Clay Aiken and his baby mama, Fantasia, Simon Cowell, Paula Abdul, Shawn P Diddy Combs, Amy Winehouse, George Clooney, Tyra Banks, Oprah Winfrey, Ellen Degeneres, Gary Busey, Rick Springfield, Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, Michael Phelps,Bono,Sting, Cher,Daughtry

10. Cheating Chinese gymnast

11. Anybody else that I can think of as a tag that will get me hits. Come on…..y’all didn’t think I was really gonna invite those people to my Vagina Celebration, did ya?

12. Cycling Swiss Guy Totally just kidding!

13. Larry King and David Hasselhoff…….no friggin’ way!

14. Ozzy Osborne

15. Dr. McSteamy…..serious about this one!

Now, we need some favors for my guests…..hmmmm…..how about……

Velvet Vulva Pillow

Or if that doesn’t ticke your fancy, you can pick your own gift here………Vulva Art!!!!!!

And of course, we need decorations………

OK….I know y’all are disappointed. I spent quite a while trying to find balloons/decorations that were appropriate. All I could find were p****y pinaita. And, the search that I did for “adult balloons” just resulted in me finding way more than I need to know about what some women do to balloons and the weirdos that pay to watch them do it. NO LINK FROM ME! Uh uh….you’ll have to check that out on your own if you wanna see it.

OK……LET THE CELEBRATION BEGIN!!!!!!

OH….DON’T FORGET TO SIGN THE GUEST LIST BY LEAVING A COMMENT!!!!!

And I Thought I Was Frugal….

Frugal = cheap

I have admittedly done some cheap-ass things to save money. I’ve gotten backaches from sitting at the kitchen table clipping coupons. I’ve suffered foot pain walking from one end of a mall to the other to save $1 on a kitchen towel. I’ve even washed and reused plastic storage bags and aluminum foil. And, I would have never admitted any of this if I had not found people who beat me by far in the stingy/cheapass department.

These are selling on eBay.

Without further comment, I present…..

TAA DAAAA……REUSABLE MENSTRUAL PADS

(This one can put some dance in your pants….hee hee)

The BALLERINA pad set you are bidding on includes 1 liner and 3 pads featuring a cotton print backed in pink cotton flannel:

Pads have additional thick cotton layer inside.

Liner has reliable snap and sewn-in pink ribbon bands for securing pads. Liner holds up to three pads. Snap-around wings help protect panties.

Choose your own thickness: Stack liners up to desired thickness. Separable pad layers are quicker and easier to wash and dry than a single multi-layer pad. Pads and liners can be used alone as pantyliners or light-day pads.

How ’bout a hippo in your Hanes……

AIO Cloth Menstrual pad

Included in this auction is a set of: 4 – 12 inch regular pads with wIngs. Serged all around. Inside layer of patterned flannel, with thick quilted padding sewn inside to inner side of pad, (4 layers of flannel) sewn in place so no twisting or binding, making a (total of 4 layers of flannel) all sewn together with white pul on the back.New never used,

(gotta love that great selling point!)

How ’bout some flip-flops covering your cooter? Awwww……just like being at the beach for your whole period!The pad has a snap closure made of poly-resin. These snaps have been applied using an industrial KAM snap press.

(industrial strength?…..this is some serious poontang protection!)

Bubblegum??????? Is it just me or does the thought of bubblegum anywhere near your coochie give you a nauseated feeling? Although, this creator may have hit on a new idea. Bubblegum could work to stop your womanly flow. Just the bubblegum….not the pad.

What a resourceful seller, too. Looking for that gift for your hard to buy for mother-in-law, best friend, bridesmaids…..?

Introducing our NEW Long Pantyliners

Bubble Gum….Made of super soft flannel, these would make the perfect gift or to add to your own stash!

Splatter paint…..shouldn’t this have been red?

This set includes:

1 Mama Pad

3 Mama Pad Inserts

(One insert in the picture is tucked in to the Mama Pad – the others are on the side as shown.)

These are actually for sale on eBay. If you want to check it out for yourself, go to eBay and enter “cloth menstrual pads” in the search box.

Hmmmmmmm…….I’ve got this sneaky feeling that Al Gore is behind this……….

Let The Good Times Roll…..

My life is just a series of “what the hell was I thinkin’” moments.

What the hell was I thinking this week when I agreed to cook dinner at my home for 15 people? I quit cooking a few years back when a couple of local pizza joints started delivering to my neck of the boogerwoods. I mean, come on, y’all…..why would anybody in their right mind go grocery shopping, put groceries away, get groceries back out, cook the groceries, mess up the kitchen, clean up the kitchen…..well you get the picture…..when there is a perfectly working telephone sitting beside my computer. I, also, keep one on the end table beside the sofa just in case dinner time rolls around and I’m caught up in “Redneck Weddings”. My food delivery guy even knows to open the door, grab the money off the counter, and leave without making a sound so as not to disturb me.

When we built this house, my husband (who has never cooked a day in his life) insisted on picking the kitchen appliances. That was just hunky-dory with me since I had no intention of using any of them except the microwave. This man who, eats cold soup out of a the can when I’m gone , did some heavy-duty shopping for kitchen stuff. He chose a beautiful 2 oven stove complete with warming drawer. What the hell is a warming drawer? I’m dead serious when I tell you that I have never opened it. One day, maybe, I’ll get out the book that came with it and see what I can warm in it. This kitchen has a lovely glass-top stove with that big hood thing above it (that thing that draws air out). It comes in really handy when I have a lot of company that smokes.

Anyway, it started out really simple. I agreed to cook for my 2 daughters and their families….a total of 8 people. Eight people is more than enough. But, then, my daughter mentioned that her neighbors didn’t have anywhere to go for Easter dinner. I must have been caught up in Maury’s guest who had already tested 14 men to see who her baby daddy was because I just said, “Invite them to eat with us.” OK…2 more. I figured I’d worry about that on Saturday (which is today! Crap!). Things got worse from that point. I’m not sure how it happened but I have 15 confirmed dinner guests for tomorrow. That’s the ones that I know about right now.

I finally dragged myself down to the grocery store to buy food to cook. I didn’t know how much all those people would eat so I bought the biggest turkey that I could find. That sucker weighs 21 pounds. And, it’s frozen. Still. I decided not to sweat it. I figured that I’ll worry about that in the morning. I have a perfectly good (and large) ham in the freezer, but cannot bring myself to cook it. It’s hubby’s fault. Some of y’all may remember the post that I wrote when he went boar hunting and shot a boar in the ass. That boar head is now hanging in his office. Now, I cannot partake of pork products without seeing that ugly thing hanging there.

I looked up some recipes in a cooking magazine that I get in the mail. Somebody thought it was real damn funny to send me Taste of Home. Maybe, it was somebody (like my husband) trying to either give me a hint or inspire my domestic side. Little do they know, that I bought a hex and voodoo book and smoked that side out a while back.

I sat down with some of the magazines and looked thru them. I picked a couple of side dishes that I thought had really pretty pictures and used less than 5 ingredients. I’ll do them tomorrow while the turkey is either cooking or defrosting. As some of you know, I wanted to fix cooter but could not find any cooter in the meat department. I just wanted to fix cooter because it sounds dirty. I wanted to say, “Would you like to try my cooter? It’s the best anywhere around! It took all morning to clean that thing!” So, turkey, it is.
WalMart had some delicious looking giant-ass strawberries and I bought some. I remembered that around Christmas time, I had bought some of that chocolate that you melt and dip stuff in and decided to make some festive looking strawberries. I carefully followed the instructions but they ended up looking like big dog turds with leaves on top. So, I ate them.

more…..

I started this post on Saturday but did not get to finish it due to trying to thaw that big ass turkey every way I could think of. I finally used a hair dryer. The motor on hair dryer burnt up but it thawed the bird enough to make it somewhat pliable. I could at least get that bag of nasty innards out. What does one do with those Silence Of The Lamb looking things? I have ,yet, to find a use for them, other than scaring my kids into staying out of the jelly beans when they were little. I’d catch them in the candy, stick one of those nasty parts on a fork and jiggle it in their face, telling them that I was going to make them eat it for dinner if they didn’t leave the candy alone until after supper.

While trying to figure out how to make my Creamed Buttered Mushrooms look like the magazine picture instead of a wino’s vomit, I got a little stressed out. What’s good for stress? Marshmallow bunny!!!! Russell Stover….yum, yum. Each year, I make my girls an Easter basket. This year was no exception. I bought 3 marshmallow chocolate bunnies. One was for me.I got out my bunny and unwrapped it, savoring the feel and the smell of that chocolate. I made one big bite of the ears. That’s when I heard my husband say, “Those are really good. I just ate one.”

Whaaaaat? If he ate one, then there was only two left and I just ate the damn ears off of one. OMG….this was a regular clique’….somebody ate the bunny ears…and it was me. Since, I had already told my girls that I had them a bunny, I could only come up with 2 solutions…..run back down to WallyWorld and buy another or eat the ears off the second one so that they would be even. There was no way that I was gonna go back to WW. The crowd the day before was like a murderous bunch of zombies at Disney World. So, I did the other and ate the other one’s ears. That was a big mistake. It was just so damn good that I couldn’t resist eating the rest. Then, of course, I had to eat the all of the other bunny. Couldn’t just give one of my daughters a bunny, could I? WTH…I’d just lie and say that the whole town had sold out of marshmallow bunnies! No prob.

This reminds me of Easters when my kids were at home and I did the full Easter basket thing every year……all the way thru their teen years. Do you realize how hard it is to make teenager’s Easter baskets? At this age, they are wanting jewelry, gadgets, money, etc. And, of course, they know the Easter bunny doesn’t exist but they keep acting like they believe. And, I know that they know. And, they know that I know that they know. But, being a really, really poor (no, I won’t go into that AGAIN right now) kid, it has always been important to me to make sure each holiday is special. And, it’s always been important to them to let me make each holiday special (which also worked out very well with them getting stuff they wanted by indulging me).Again, I know that they know and they know that I know…etc.etc.etc. In conclusion, my kids got all their bratty wants fulfilled and I got my “Mother Of The Century” award in my head.

Here, I have to digress for a sec. I use to be a health nut. Now, I’m just a nut. I walked 3-5 miles every day on purpose. Now, I complain that they don’t have valets at the mall. Anyway, one of my daughters walked with me for a while. Our walks took as by this little, old lady’s house. This lady was very sweet, but somewhat eccentric. She had a thing for yard ornaments. The concrete ones. She had one of those little black boys sitting with the fishing pole on her front porch. Don’t mean to sound racists. Do not send me threatening hate mail. I’m just stating the facts. One day, we walked by and the little black boy had been knocked over and his head was laying a couple of feet away from his hands that were still holding his fishing pole. Something about that gave daughter and me a massive case of guffaws and giggles. Once again, no hate mail, please. It was not because it was a little black boy. It was because it looked like he was fishing for his head.

That Easter, I could not think of anything to put in my girl’s baskets. Then, I got this brilliant idea. And….well….uh….I stole borrowed the little black boy’s head. I took it home and put it in my daughter’s basket. The next morning, I heard her laughing really hard. She came into the kitchen holding the concrete head with tears streaming down her face. That made up for the fact that I had stolen borrowed the head and the little old lady only had a body with a fishing pole on her porch. A few days later, I convinced her that we had to put it back. So, here’s what we did……we did a drive-by head rolling. I pulled my car up really close to the porch and she opened her passenger’s side door and rolled that little black head right back up on the porch. We laugh about it every Easter. This Sunday, I had 12 people show up. My youngest daughter suggested that we go around the table and share our favorite Easter memory. The head rolling was my other daughter’s favorite memory.

Sunday morning, I went to church. Then, I got this really paranoid thought. My youngest daughter was suppose to bring the rolls for dinner. My YD doesn’t cook at all and therefore, doesn’t shop for anything other than frozen foods. What if she didn’t bring enough bread? This made me actually venture back into Wally World. WW has that neat rack of marked down bakery goods. On Sunday, it was loaded with all kinds of different breads. I loaded up. Jewish soda bread, sun-dried tomato rolls, Jalpeno biscuits, asiago rye bread, etc. Lots and lots of bread. Then to my horror, my daughter showed up with 2 huge containers from Sam’s (large quantity store) of rolls and croissants. There was enough bread there to feed a medium size town. Thanks goodness for Trailerpark Skipper (my oldest daughter) who is on a gigantic cheapskate kick. The girl is so cheap that she’s trying to figure out how to make toilet paper from junk mail. She came to the rescue and took a carload of bread home with her to freeze. She has decided to make casseroles featuring bread. I told her not to bring me any. I had enough stale bread when I was little and really, really (alright, I won’t say it again after this) poor.

So, there you have it…..the highlights of my WTWM, redneck Easter. I could write so much more but I wanna do some internet surfing and see who sells cooter. I’m determined to have it for my next holiday dinner.

Hope you had a good Easter.

How ‘Bout Another Helping of Cooter?

Well, Easter is almost here. And, being a person of faith, I realize the real meaning of Easter. Our Lord rose again and that’s great news for all of us!

But, we, also, have those never-ending Easter traditions of a new Sunday-go-to-meeting outfit and a big-ass Easter dinner. Yes, your read that right. I am a Christian and I did use the word “ass”. I’ve yet to see a list of cuss words in the Bible that have any of the cuss words we use today on it. Plus, I think Jesus has a great sense of humor. At least, I hope so.

I’m not much on buying new Easter clothes. I mean, for pete’s sake, you are only in the BIG ROOM (sanctuary) for about an hour. Unless, I’m asked to give some type of special reading, singing, or interpretive dance, I’m not too worried about what I wear.

But, for lack of motivation to do anything constructive today, I decided to check out the Easter outfits that are being offered up by some of my favorite stores.

Ollie’s Pool Hall and Nascar Memorabilia had this little number in the window: I went in to ask Ollie about it. He wasn’t there but his twin sister, Lolly, was. Turns out that Lolly hand makes these haute couture bonnets. And, ya can order them in any color that you want. But, there was another one that caught my fancy…..….and as luck would have it, Ollie had come back and tried it on for me. There was another hat made of peeps that I really was hankering for but I knew that I’d have all them little sugary chickens eaten off my head by the heathen children that get bussed in to church on Easter.

Now, I had an idea of about a hat and needed a dress. I walked on down Main St. to Marge’s Dress Barn and Psychic Readings to see what I could come up with.

There was this lovely “Half-Pint” looking number. But, I didn’t want to be tempted to call a deacon, “Pa”…..

Then there was this nice, hand-made dress which would have gone well with my hand-made by Lolly hat…. The big plus on this one was that you could hide Easter eggs all over me and the kids would never find them.

But, my eyes seized upon this and tears welled up in my eyes……… PERFECT! It would make a lovely outfit to wear to Cousin Jeananne’s wedding next month, too! And, white goes with everything.

I was so relieved that part was over with. Now, time to plan and shop for Easter dinner. I wanted a traditional southern Easter dinner so as soon as I got home, I opened my “White Trash Cookbook”…….(and, I do seriously have this cookbook)…..

Let’s see….where was that recipe? Ah ha…..page 159……FRIED COOTER! Admittedly, the only reason that it is my fav is because it sounds dirty. And, I just love to urge all my dinner guests to try my cooter.

FRIED COOTER

When the cooter sticks his head out, cut it off with a hatchet. Then open him/her up down the sides. Skin his/her legs and wash the meat. Salt, pepper, and flour the cooter (hmm…I think you can do this to a cooter for activities other than cooking) and fry it in a deep grease in a deep-fat fryer just like chicken. YUM YUM

BTW…Cooter season runs between August 1st and April 14th

Every time that we have family gatherings featuring cooter, we all laugh again and again when Uncle Sid says this prayer:

Bless the meat and

Darn the skin,

Open your mouth

And cram it in!

(I hope he’s referring to eating dinner but he does wink like a lecherous old lounge lizard every time he says it).

Along with the fried cooter, we have “Elmo’s Hush-Up Puppies”, “Homalene’s special bean dish”, yellowed-eyed deviled eggs, and Auntie Wheezer’s cheese pie. There’s always a variety of desserts, like, Suella’s Gooey Balls or Uncle Kermit’s Hermits.

 

So, guess I’d better get busy making my store list.

HAPPY EASTER

Anybody want a heapin’ helpin’ of cooter?????

Andy Rooney Has A Poontang Under His Chin….

Andy Rooney has some really interesting comments on 60 Minutes sometimes. He has some ridiculous comments at other times. Sometimes, he sounds extremely intelligent and other times, clueless. Lately, I can’t even listen to his comments because Andy has a cooter under his chin and I can’t keep my eyes off of it when he’s talking. It’s kinda like he grew a bald vajayjay over the years. It wiggles and wobbles and moves as he speaks. It sorta looks like a hiney, too. I wonder why someone doesn’t point this out to him. Or, is the crew as mesmerized as I am when he starts rambling? Look at the video. Look under his chin. What do you see? Maybe, I’ll name it “Rooter” or a “poonrooney”.

Whatever, it is…..it’s hypnotizing. Keep your eyes on the chin-coochie.

I watched him again this past Sunday nite. It’s still there. That poontang, punani, twatlike gobbler.

I’ve been checking for the last couple of weeks. Yep…..it’s still there…..that vajayjay chin.