My Run-In With “The Ladies Man”…

 

 

I’ve been totally jazzed up about my stimulus check!!!! In fact, I’ve been so excited that I crept down into the basement and borrowed one of my husband’s hammer. Had to be really quiet since he doesn’t like loaning out his tools. Thank goodness that I remember to stick it in the dishwasher and then wipe it down with alcohol wipes before I put it back. I have a sneakin’ suspicion that he can smell the scent of another human on his t ool equipment hammer. “Tool” and “equipment” could have been taken the wrong way. Not to say, that he can’t smell another human on his……oh boogers, you know what I mean.

Anyway, I borrowed the hammer to break my little pink piggy bank that says, “EMERGENCIES ONLY!” in big black letters on the sides.  However, I felt justified doing that since I’m gonna be able to replace the $13.00 that I took out just as soon as I get that big ol’ check at the United States Post Office!

Now, remember, regular readers (the number is almost in double digits now), I am a compulsive shopper. And, obsess about things that I could’ve/should’ve purchased when I was last in a department store. I’ve tried to reason with myself saying if I had wanted/needed it that badly, I would have bought it then. Never works. Never ever ever. It doesn’t work because I cannot fool myself. I, simply put, LOVE shopping. I know that it’s a quick-fix for whatever is going badly in life.  (fancy psycho babble…lol) And, most likely, I will never be able to totally overcome it. Oh well, could be worse. I shop clearance and sales thus avoiding spending huge amounts of money and losing my home. The money doesn’t really amount to all that much. It’s the time that I spend plus all the crap piling up sometimes that’s the problems.

Being the seasoned and serious consumer that I am, I didn’t let the 6 inches of snow (and bigass flakes still fallin’) stop me from hopping in my car and heading out. With visions of cash registers ringing, I headed to my favorite store. This store is a local chain and it has the best clearance sales in the whole country. We’re not talking Faded Glory or Tuff Skins stuff. We’re talking Lauren, Ann Taylor, Nike, and the like. I started sweating just thinking about all those $2 and $3 items. I could buy six $2 and have enough for tax or I could buy four $3 items and have the tax. I was trembling in anticipation.

That store was unusally crowded with the  roads were so slick and the snow  still falling. But, I’m pretty good at darting in and out of a crowd. Not braggin’, but you should see me on black Friday, the day after Thanksgiving. If medals were given, I’d win the gold everytime. I’m the Michael Phelps of shopping except I’m not stupid enough to let anybody snap my picture with a bong. I do have a bong, though. No, I don’t use it. I bought it at an auction with other crap that I don’t use. It’s an original and probably dates back to the original hippie movement. Not that the bong has anything to do with this story, just thought I’d throw that in for the heck of it.

I browsed the store for a while and checked out the clearance racks in each and every department. That’s a big part of my problem. I don’t have any babies, extra-large men, or skinny teenagers who wear size zero. Nonetheless, I’m not satisfied until I look at everything.  The shoe department was a bonanza of bargains. This store marks stuff down to MOVE and there were lots of name brand shoes marked to just a few bucks. I found a pair of  Softees that were really cute. They were flats, black with a gold buckle. It sounds like I’m describing Pilgrim shoes but they were not like that. The shoes were marked down to THREE BUCKS and even though, they were one-half size too small….HEY! Who could pass up that deal? I figured that they might stretch after a few wears. Of course, my reasonable side was telling me that I had several pairs of shoes in my closet that were one-half size too small and they never stretched to fit. But, maybe, this one pair would. If not, they would go into one of the Goodwill boxes that I manage to make myself fill a few times a year.

I wandered over to the lingerie/pj department. I found a pair of pj’s that were a couple of sizes too big but they were only $4!!!!! Since they were all cotton, I thought that they may shrink a little in a hot wash. If not, they would go into the Goodwill box…….

Then, I spotted the marked down Valentine stuff! JACKPOT!!!! Boxes of candy marked 75% off ! Admittedly, it was the crappy left-over candy that nobody wants but I figured that I could freeze it and give it to somebody that wasn’t too choosy with their chocolates.

I looked at the clock over the doorway and realized that I had been in there much longer than I thought that I had. Two hours had passed and I hadn’t even checked the Big Man XXXXL stuff yet. Out of all the stuff that I just listed that I looked at or bought, the XXXL stuff makes the most sense. Usually, items in this size bring fairly good money on eBay. Except lately, eBay has been hit hard by the economy and most stuff either doesn’t sell or doesn’t make a profit if it does sell.  Common sense took over for once and I decided to bypass that department and go check-out.

As I said, this is a fairly small department store and it only has a total of six registers. In the many times that I have shopped there, I have never seen all 6 registers open at the same time. This day was no exception and only 3 registers were opened. And, all 3 had fairly long lines at them. I’m one of those people who will change registers everytime that I think one might be moving faster than the others. Of course, this is always a stupid move because just as soon as I get in another line, it stops moving. After changing register lines twice, I figured that I’d be just as well off staying at the one that I was currently in.

Stores put all kinds of stuff around the registers to entice us to buy while standing in line. Of course, I almost always fall for this type of marketing. But, this day, luckily, I couldn’t spot a darn thing that beckoned me to BUY BUY BUY! I resigned myself to just standing and waiting. Then, a man behind me started talking to me and since this is a good way to pass register-standing time, I talked back.

He was buying several pair of  black silk boxer shorts with Valentine’s hearts on them. Marked to $1.00, I noticed this with my trained “red-tagged/clearance sticker” trained eye. He was, also, buying some of those over-the-counter reading glasses…..the ones that are really just magnifyers. Those were marked to 25 cents each. I commented that I should buy some of those because I had spent several days going to optician’s places to get my new eye-prescription filled. I told him that the price of glasses had more than doubled since I had bought any. We start chit-chatting and I begin having this nagging feeling that I had met him somewhere before this day. Then it hit me! He reminded me of Leon Phelps, The Ladies Man. Leon is a character played by Tim Meadows and started as a skit on Saturday Nite Live but then later was made into a movie.

                                   Leon Phelps : What is love? What is this longing in our hearts for togetherness? Is it not the sweetest flower? Does not this flower of love have the fragrant aroma of fine, fine diamonds? Does not the wind love the dirt? Is not love not unlike the unlikely not it is unlikened to? Are you with someone tonight? Do not question your love. Take your lover by the hand. Release the power within yourself. Your heard me, release the power. Tame the wild cosmos with a whisper. Conquer heaven with one intimate caress. That’s right don’t be shy. Whip out everything you got and do it in the butt. By Leon Phelps

OK…I now begin to think of this guy as Leon Phelps and the heartsy silk boxer shorts were making a lot of sense.

Leon Phelps : “My name is Leon Phelps, and to those of you that are uninitiated, I am an expert in the ways of love. I have made love to many fine ladies from the lowliest bus station skank to the classiest most sophisticated, educated, debutant, high society… bus station skank. “

Now, I was having a hard time listening to what he was saying without picturing him cruising bus stations for skanks while wearing his Valentine clearance boxers.I forced myself to quit thinking about this and be polite enough to listen to what he was saying. He was telling me about some female friends of his that had ordered their eyeglasses from the internet. I had never even thought about doing that and didn’t even know that it could be done. So, I was a bit intrigued by the idea and asked him from what site on the internet were they ordering . “Leon” moved a little closer to me  in a chummy sorta way. He was ending every sentence with a great big, bad-wolf-like smile. He said that if I would give him my cellphone number, he would find out more info and give me a call. Then out of the clear blue, he asked me where I lived and did I have a husband.

This was a big OMG! moment. Leon was hitting on me.  I’m no Angelina Jolie but I’m no Phyllis Diller, either. I’ve had my share of flirting but most of it was before I had become a middle aged mother of two adult daughters. Still, I know when someone is coming on to me. And, “Leon” was!

I did some really quick thinking and told him that I did not own a cellphone.  I told him that I found them to be annoying and did not desire the constant interruptions that cellphone bring with them. This is partly true…..as you will see. I do find cellphones to be annoying. I hate to here them constantly ringing and hate, even more, to hear people talking/shouting to someone on the other line anywhere and everywhere. Either there are a lot of deaf people calling people with cellphones or people just don’t realize that others cannot help hearing every word of their personal conversations since they are talking so loudly.

Then it happened as if on cue. The damn cellphone in my purse started to ring. Not knowing what else to do, I just pretended that I didn’t hear it. Leon, with his dazzling smile, was looking very puzzled. The cellphone kept ringing. Leon asked me if that ringing was coming from my purse. I said no. The cellphone stopped ringing and I felt a huge sense of relief.

Then, it started ringing again. I was pretty positive that it was TrailerParkSkipper, who never gives up calling until I answer. Now, Leon was staring at me. He said that he was pretty sure that the ringing was coming from my purse. I insisted that it was not. The clerk was now giving me a funny look. The phone kept ringing. I ignored it. Leon was looking at me in a “you are crazy, lady” way. BUT, he was still trying to look what I think was his “come to big daddy” look.

THE LADIES MAN….Leon Phelps..” I will probably begin with a very classy first line… something like: say, sweet thing, can I buy you a fish sandwich? ”

OK….I could do one of two things at that moment. I could put on my “oh, how silly of me. It seems that I do own a cellphone” act. Or, I could cut and run. I chose the second.

For the first time in a long, long time (if ever), I laid my items down and fled the store.  I rushed to my car, hunkered down so as not to be seen, and waited until I saw The Ladies Man exit the store with his bag of silk boxer shorts. Then, I went back in, scooped up my items and paid. The clerk asked me if everything was alright since she had witnessed me leaving like my ass was on fire. I told her that I had remembered that I had left my money in my car and had to go get it.

She said that she thought it was because of the guy hitting on me in line. She said that she had to bite her lip to keep from laughing when my cellphone rung.

Thank goodness that I hadn’t just imagined that.  The lesson that I learned from this is to remember to turn my cellphone either off or on vibrate.

Vibrate…..I think Leon would like that word.

 

You, Too, Can Manage Your Anger!….

I’m pretty easy going really. I haven’t always been,though.

I used to be one hellova redneck woman who was ready to fight anybody anytime anywhere. It took me years of self examination (and psych examination) to realize that a constant stew of anger and rage only hurts me.  Revenge is best left to Chuck Norris in a kickass movie. Plotting the torment or demise of somebody who has wronged you really eats up too much time and energy. Not saying that I don’t have my moments, though. I’ve just found ways of dealing with them that will not put me in the big-house trading ciggies for protection from  a butch girlfriend named Bertie. The last time that I got really, really pissed off was at a guy in a pickup truck who was tailgating me on a narrow, winding road. He had gun racks. He was big and bald. I stopped my car in the middle of the road, got out, and went back and screamed at him to get off my ass. Luckily, he did. He probably thought that I was a seriously dangerous demented woman. Later in the day, I had this thought….”OMG! What if HE was a seriously dangerous demented man? He could have taken me out with one good punch!”. That’s when I decided to change from a confrontional redneck woman to a sneaky get-the-last-laugh redneck woman.

So, I don’t go around with thoughts of punching this one or that one in the throat anymore.

Don’t get me wrong, though. I’m still no saint.

 I’ve just developed a few less-harmful (and less likely to be arrested) ways of coping.

Feel free to adapt them to your own angry situations:

1. Glitter….glitter is a very effective method of venting anger/getting revenge.

Go to the dollar store/Wally World and buy a package that contains several small vials of different colored glitter. Keep it in your purse, pocket, or anywhere else that is handy and easy to get to. When someone pisses you off, take out the glitter. Wait until they turn their back and pour some in your hand. Then gently blow it onto the back of their hair. They will be walking around the rest of the day looking like the backside of a glitter fairy. Hopefully, no one will be brave enough to tell them that they have glittered hair for fear of thinking that they wanted glitter hair. Even if they are told, you can sit and laugh to yourself for a long time to come picturing them trying to remove the glitter.

Glitter is, also, useful, in mail. Being sick and tired of all those credit applications that I receive in the mail prompted me one day to come up with this idea…..pour a little glitter into the enveolope, stick the credit ap in and mail it back. I still have the picture of that enveloped being opened and glitter spilling out onto all of the other applications on a desk. But, my fav glitter revenge was done at a doctor’s office. The doc was an arrogant, dismissive ahole. After he left the room for me to get dressed, I opened one of his drawers and blew a little glittery happiness onto his script pad, stethoscope, and various other items. It didn’t hurt too bad paying his outlandish office fee after that. I spent the rest of the day hoping that he had to use one of those items that day.

2. Sign ‘em up for something……after a very long time of putting up with my husband’s first wife’s demands and crap, I really wanted to stick her head in a freezer door and slam the door a few dozen times. But, I did not. Instead, I started signing her up for magazines (ex. Adam and Eve adult product mag).  It wasn’t until years later when Trailerparkskipper was getting married and her soon-to-be-hubby’s friend signed her up at my address to receive this same item that I realized exactly what I had done. Have you ever tried to get off of their list? You can throw that brown wrappered mag away all you like but eventually, you have to open it in order to find out how to get off of their damn mailing list. At least, the ex got her mail delivered to the privacy of her home and didn’t have to pick it up at a local post office. It’s not easy going in to buy stamps after retrieving a plain brown wrapper from your post office box. Nor, is it amusing to run into your pastor, neighbors, or local dirty ol’ man while carrying this item out of the post office. I didn’t dare throw it away with my name on it!

I, also, pledged money in her name to a local telethon. Our town is not all that big. Almost everybody recognizes the names that are read out loud to give recognition to the genrous pledgers. And, you get a reminder (and a second, third and fourth reminder) to back up your pledge with moolah. I figured that the worst thing that could possibly come out of this would be that the charity would get a donation.

3. Loudly pray for them….in their presence…….if you are confronted with someone who curses you, takes your parking space, or does any other purposeful act to you in public, just start praying as loud as you can for the strength to forgive them. I guarantee you that this will either prod them into an apology or scare them away from you really fast. Yes, I have done this one, too.

 

4. Refer them to telemarketers/Jevhovah’s Witness/kids selling school stuff, etc…..y’all know how annoying telemarketers can be once you land on their list, right? Y’all, also, know how persistant Jehovah’s witnesses, door to door sales (including school kids, foreign exchange students selling books, etc) are, too, Here is a neat way to get them to quit bothering you and get your lil piece of revenge at the same time. But, this only works on people in your neighborhood who have wronged you. Just tell the person who has come to your door that you are very busy taking care of a sick child, a vomiting dog, a fire in your kitchen, etc. and you do not have the time to buy/listen/sign-up, etc. BUT you do know for a fact that the family/person across the street/down the block/that lives behind (or in front) of you was just mentioning that very morning how much they wish that someone would come by selling/preaching/soliticing signatures, etc. They will practically run from your house in the direction of the address that you gave them. For a little extra pazzazz, tell them the person is hard of hearing and that will have to talk really LOUDLY. Yes, I have done this one but not for revenge but as a prank. I don’t know if this is a local thing or if y’all have this……we have a couple of local companies that run “meat trucks”. Refrigerated trucks that they sell meat out of which I do not recommend buying. Just about a month ago, a young man came to my door trying to do his very best to interest me into buying some “mighty good” steaks. I didn’t hear much after the first few words because the stream of snot running down his nose that he kept swiping at with his shirt sleeve distracted me. I excused myself from the conversation, went into the kitchen, and grabbed him a paper towel. I handed it to him, told him that I was a vegan, and sent him on his way to one of my neighbor’s houses. I assured him that they were big-time meat consumers. When I ran into her later, I asked if the “meat wagon” had come by and she said that she had a really hard time getting rid of him because someone had told him that her family just loved meat. I told her did not tell her that it was me because she is really redneck and probably could whoop my ass without breaking a sweat.

I started this post two days ago. Since then, I have had a pissed off situation.

As I have confessed to y’all before, I am a compulsive shopper/hoarder. Actually, I can proudly say that I no longer fit the true description of a hoarder. I no longer have a desire to keep all of the stuff that I buy. These days, I don’t mind donating the huge packages of Depends, the size 2 jeans, or the case of yams with exprired dates to needy causes.  BUT, I do still feel compulsed to shop for things that I have no use for at all. There is a local store that has a bag sale about once a month…..all you can fit into a bag for just 15 dollars. About 99 percent of the time, I buy stuff that I use or can sale on eBay. Yesterday, they had a bag sale and I was there waiting in line with  my friendsthe other compulsive shoppers (women that I know only thru the bag sales). As soon as the door opened, I headed to a 3 tiered wire bin that had hand painted bracelets, earrings, and other jewelry intending to grab a few handfuls. I ran into a problem in the form of a very rude lady that I had run-ins with before. She is a grabber. A grabber is a person who literally grabs anything and everything and stuffs it into their buggy for later inspection before paying. . She was blocking my way.

I said, “Excuse me. I just want to reach around you and get a couple of those bracelets for my daughters.”

She didn’t budge one inch. Louder, I said, “EXCUSE ME! Could you move over just a couple of inches?”

She said…..OMG! I’m still fuming about this….she said, “WHEN I’M DONE. I’LL MOVE!”

It was apparent that she was not going to be done until she had snagged everything out of the wire bins.

And, this pissed me off! I said, “You are the rudest damn person that I have ever met!”

She didn’t even look at me or answer. What a ahole GRABBER.

So, I decided that while she wasn’t looking, I would take stuff out of her buggy and put it in mine. But then, I figured that it would be better if I took stuff out of her buggy and put it elsewhere in the store. And, I did. When GRABBER had totally emptied the bin (except for some broken crap), she turned around to her buggy and saw….hahahha….it was practically empty. Meanwhile, I was busy loading up on socks a few feet away. She came over to my buggy expecting to find her stuff but I didn’t have it. Yes, I know that this is childish. But, damn, it felt good.

I’m sure that I will have run-ins with Grabber again. And, I’m plotting ahead. I think a stickpin in the ass might make her move next time.

SOS…..I’m In Survey Hell!

   As the regular readers know, I am up to my eyeballs in items that I have bought on clearance sales. I’m an admitted addictive shopper and hoarder. I’ve been trying to break these bad habits with all kinds of substitute behavior. I’ve tried everything. Well, not everything. I haven’t tried timbering or being a rap artist, yet.

Ya know those annoying emails that you get about doing surveys for money and rewards?  Well, that’s my new substitute behavior. And, it’s not going so well.

Here’s what I have discovered……if you take one survey, you will get a bazillion other survey companies emailing you. This is not good for someone with addictive behavior patterns. Believe me…..I know!

It seemed easy enough. Get paid a couple of bucks for every survey that I take. Definitely not a way to get rich but at least I wouldn’t be out shopping. Right?

So, I signed up with one of the survey companies. After filling out a complete profile form, I got directed to a survey. After spending 5 minutes on that survey, I found out that my profile did not qualify me to finish it. Another survey…….5 more minutes wasted. And, 5 more and 5 more…until a hour had gone by and I had not had the opportunity to earn my precious $1.50. CURSES!!!!!!

With a big sale begging me to come, I got a great idea. I changed my profile on every survey. I was female/male/Hispanic/Native American/Oriental and more. I worked as a car salesman/a psych doc/a Burger King counter person/a horse trainer/a nanny/a chef/a Los Vegas blackjack dealer and more. I was 15 yrs old/67 years old/23 years old and more.  I was so many things that I started getting confused.

When I realized that I had signed on to one as a pregnant, 59 year old, male model, I knew that I had to quit.

But, now, I’m totally swamped with surveys. So many surveys that I am thinking of changing my email address.

One thing that I did NOT do was give out my real phone number.  I have nightmares about answering the phone 50 times a day with a surveyor on the other end.

Take my advice….shopping and hoarding is easier and probably a lot saner.

On Hoarding, Again…..Anybody Need Some Really Old False Teeth?

Here I go again…..with my hoarding report.

I swore on my granny’s grave and pledged a solemn crossed-my-heart-and hope-to-die not to buy crap that I can’t use. I’ve done fairly well with this promise to myself as of right now. No promises for the future, though. So, after giving myself an allowable amount of grieving time for all the great bargains that got away from me, I decided that it was time to tackle the piles of stuff that I had bought. I really needed to do something about the mountains of crates in my office. Did I mention that I’m OCD (which lead to the hoarding to start with)? So, I am caught between a rock and a hard place. …seriously in need of ridding myself of all this crap and unwilling to give up my precious collections.

There are several different schools of thought on why people like me hoard. I think the root of my problem has several different aspects. The fact that I was dirt poor growing up and learned to cherish what few posessions that I had plays a big part. Also, I acknowledge that shopping feels up something missing in my life. Now, mix in the fact that I am a #1 cheap-ass and voila’…..a clearance, bargain shopper is born.

I got up this morning and decided that today was THE DAY. I found a million little things that I just had to do before THE BIG JOB. Finally, I put my foot down and said, “Look, you’ve got to do it!” Actually, that’s kind of a lie, I actually said, “You’ve got to do it or you won’t have anywhere to put anymore stuff.” There, I came clean and admitted it.

I took the stairs slowly, giving myself some time to get my nerve up and swiftly run through my head what my inventory was. Then, I planted my feet firmly and dug in.

First, the huge crate of baby clothes and items. I have no babies but figured these would make great baby shower gifts. Actually, enough shower gifts for a small (OK..medium…alright…LARGE) sized village in Timbuktoo. Nah….I’ll just put those aside for awhile. They really could be useful if I ever start making dolls or adopted a tribe of Amazon kids.

Next, the enormous amount of scrapbooking supplies….stickers, books, ribbon, etc. I could probably sell these on eBay. But, what if I get bored and decide to start scarpbooking? I’ll just leave those for now.

HOT DAMN! No, really…..an actual bottle of Hot Damn liqour. I bought it about 3 years ago on the advice of my beautician who on the advice of her square dancing teacher bought some for flu and congestion. I remember trying it. I’m not sure if it worked on the congestion but it did make you not care if you were congested. I probably should throw it away. Why did I keep it? For the HOT DAMN label, of coure.

Next, I found an old embalming kit. Hey, I wondered where that went. I bought it at an estate auction about 5- 6 years ago just to freak my kids out. The trouble, though, is I stuck it in my stack of valuables and forgot to threaten my kids with it.

How ’bout that autographed and framed picture of Bob Barker? I got it as a joke from my daughter. But, ya know, since Bob retired, it might be valuable. I’d better hang on to it.

So many things that I might use one day.

This was getting to be much harder than I thought. I had to come up with some things for which I could not find some reason to keep.

And then…….there they were……some really old false teeth. Why on earth did I buy false teeth that belonged to someone a long time ago. Someone that I didn’t even know.

Hmmmm……then, I remembered. I bought them at an auction. That was during tmy artist (what a joke) period when I had decided that I would do a huge sculpture of odd things.

Now, these, I could throw away. Or,could I? I might run into a toothless person who could use them. They could just get them fixed. Oh, I forgot to mention that about 1/3 of the teeth were missing.

With much reluctance , I tossed the false teeth in the up til then empty “get rid of” box. OK…now, I had a start. What next?

I took a break. I knew that if I didn’t get away from the box holding only a pair of old false teeth, I would be tempted to rescue them.

Tomorrow is a new day. Who knows that else I might find. I’m gonna DO IT! I swear….I QUIT….I’m downsizing. I’m cleaning out.

Hmmm….the false teeth would make a geat conversation piece as a wind chime. Don’tcha think?