Yes, I know….two posts in one day! I hope it’s not too much excitement for any of you.
So…here we gooooooo…..
Today is a very busy day! I was on the couch with a “bug” all week and have so much catching up to do. Laundry, cleaning, catching up on all my recorded episodes of reality shows, etc.
Around 10:30, I decided that I might be more energetic if I actually got dressed out of the pj’s that I had been wearing since Thurs. Or, did I put them on Wed? Doesn’t matter either way because they were starting to smell bad enough to knock a buzzard off of a shit wagon.
I was in the bathroom drying off when I heard the doorbell ring. I rushed and put on my once-plush bathrobe and went to the door. There, before me, stood two very well-dressed and distinguished looking gentlemen. Here I am with crazy hair (my hair IS crazy until I dry and smooth it down) dressed in a bathrobe that has a hole located near a very private area (lets’ just say that I was getting a good airing out down there).
“I’ll bet you think we are Jehovah’s Witnesses.”…..the tallest man said.
“Well, either that or somebody trying to sell me encyclopedias that nobody ever uses anymore,” I replied.
The man chuckled politely and said, “No, we are JW’s and would like to take a moment of your time.”
My very weird brain starts processing this and what I could do to turn it into a positive experience for ME. It’s not that I have anything against JW’s. I actually admiring their balls going door to door with people slamming doors in their faces and calling them Satan Spawn and stuff. That takes major dedication.
And it went like this…..
JW….”God wants us to read the Bible everyday and follow its instructions.”
Me…”I agree. My pastor has preached on that many, many, many times.”
JW…”Are you familiar with our beliefs and our magazines?” And, he hands me a Watch Tower mag.
Me..”Why, yes I am. Actually, my sister was a JW before she passed away a few years ago.”
JW…”I’m sorry to hear that. What did she share with you”?
Me…”She said that she laughed her butt off at all the people knocking themselves out Christmas shopping. She said that, being a JW and not celebrating Christ’s birthday, she got some killer sales the day after Christmas. She got twice as much stuff for half as much money.”
JW….”clear his throat”…..”Oh! I meant about our fundamental beliefs about God.”
Me…”Oh! Well, actually we agreed to not discuss our differences in beliefs”.
JW…”And, what is your belief?:
Me…”I believe that God loves everyone. And, I love everyone, too. I love Jewish people, Muslims, Catholics, Protestants and everybody except corrupt government people. Why, I LOVE you! Do you love me?”
JW….(somewhat flustered)….”Yes, I love you.”
Me…”.well, then would you mind helping me set up my Christmas tree?”
JW…”We don’t celebrate Christmas. You said that you knew that.”
Me…”Well, that doesn’t mean that I don’t celebrate Christmas. Don’t you believe in helping other people?”
JW…”Of course, we believe in helping others but we can not take part in what we consider a pagan holiday.”
Me…”Well, can’t you just think of it as helping a lady put up a big, live plant in her house that she puts lots of lights on to battle SAD (seasonal affective disorder)?
JW…”I think we have kept you out in the cold long enough. So, we will be on our way.”
Me…”Awww, come on. Let’s put up the tree and then I’ll fix us some Rudolph The Red Nose Reindeer slow gin fizzes. It would warm you up for going door to door in the cold.”
JW…”No, thank you. We must be on our way. We have a lot of territory to cover today.”
Me….”What if I turn on the DVR and let you watch my recorded show of The Most Hated Family in America. It’s a great documentary about the God Hates Fags church.”
JW….(headed down the porch steps)….”It was nice talking to you. Have a good day!’
Me…”come back…come back….you can help me wrap presents!”
JW…waves from the protection of his car and leaves.
Today was cleaning day in The Boogerwoods. As y’all may recall, I have a woman who comes every two weeks and helps me give my hillbilly mansion a thorough cleaning. I love her! She is pure redneck and we have a ball when she’s here. I usually turn on some good ol’ redneck, white trash music like Lynard Skynard and we dance around to Free Bird. About half of the time that she is here is wasted on us acting silly. But, she works for a lot of snobby, rich folks, too, and I know that they expect a “Yes, Mam, No, Mam-Butterfly McQueen-Gone-With-The-Wind” performance from her. She can sure tell some funny stories about some of them. For instance, she was late coming today due to the fact that she had to polish a drawer full of silverware for one of her clients. She said that the lady was throwing a texting dinner party. Maybe, I’m behind the times or live so far out in the woods that I get Sunday’s newspaper on Thursday, but for the life of me…I’ve never heard of a texting dinner party….much less a fancy one that requires real silver eating utensils.
I asked her what went on at a texting dinner party and she said that she didn’t really know. But, it was her best guess that the invited guests sat around texting each other while they were eating. Now, this makes absolutely no sense to me. If I like ya good enough to invite ya to eat with me, then I’m pretty sure that I’d like ya enough to talk to ya.
But, then I got another thought. Maybe, the guests are required (or might just want to do it) to text people who were not invited and rub it in their faces. I image it would go something like this….
“Susie its me Eating @Ethels Usng real silverware Know ur jealous!”
or
“RALPH GOT IN THE JOINT REAL SILVERWARE BUY SKI MASKS ASAP”
or
“Mom whch is salad frk?”
or
“Jeez these ppl are BORING”
Now, I would text something more like…
“lmao ths ppl r real assclowns”
or
“do me favr prtend ur cops&bust ths crppy prty”
I just don’t see myself throwing a texting party anytime soon. But, if I did, I’d go all out and buy some of those fancy Dixie plates with the colored borders and some Sam’s Warehouse solid colored plastic spoons and forks.
One more thing…this has nothing to do with the texting party. But, I found it rather funny. I got an email informing me that Hot Angie wanted to be my friend on F*ckbook! Nothing’s sacred anymore!
If vanity can kill a person, that is probably to what I will succumb. Regular readers (up to about a dozen now! ) know that I am constantly trying the newest and latest product/service that will lead you to the fountain of youth.
The funny thing about that is I live in a boogerwoods area where having all of your teeth makes you a candidate for beauty queen. If the teeth are in good shape and not rotten or yellow, you’re darn near about guaranteed to get crowned and sashed.
Miss Burger Queen…….
I have all my teeth. None are rotten or falling out or yellow. I should be satisfied, shouldn’t I. But, I’m not. What bothers me the most is wrinkles from smoking. I quit smoking but the wrinkles stayed behind (and front). I’ve been lasered, peeled, and sat under ultra-violet lights. I’ve bought products that are available only in a doctor’s office. The money that I’ve wasted is almost shameful. But, I don’t want y’all to think that I do this all of the time. No! It usually follows an episode of TPKen spending outrageous amounts of money on something stupid. You might remember that Christmas before last, he had ordered an armour piercing gun that cost around $7500.00. No, you didn’t read that wrong and I didn’t mistype. That is SEVEN THOUSAND FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS. That caused a cololsal size argument for many months. Who needs an armour piericing weapon? We have plenty of guns and rifles that will knock off an animal or an intruder with one clean shot. In the end, I won the argument and he canceled the order.
He should have done it sooner….like before I decided to get even by spending money on whatever my whim was at the time. The thing is that I am usually a very thrity person. I use coupons at the grocery store. I eBay and make a little extra money doing that. I shop clearance racks. Heck, I can get just about anything on the market for at least 50% off of retail just by knowing where/when/how to buy.So, my indulgence in cosmetic stuff is the only real splurging that I do.
Anyway…..I did it again. About a month or so ago, I had to go to the dermatologists about a couple of suspicious moles. She froze them off. While there in the waiting room, I started looking at all the brochures on Botox, Restalyne, and Perline. All are fillers which means that they get shot into your face in the areas that you would like filled out. Botox is poison which paralyzes the muscles around wherever it is injected. I had been considering doing “some work” for a while. TPSkipper had even often to pay for some of it as a Christmas present last year but I chickened out. While thinking about all the fillers, my thoughts drifted to how I could justify spending money on this stuff with a TPKen overspending event. AHA! I remembered that just 2 weeks before, he had spent over two thousand dollars replacing a part of a fence in front of his office that had been hit by a drunken driver. Now, wait, all you male readers and don’t get your Fruit of the Looms in a bunch. Of course, he needed to replace it. But, we had several heated discussions about the material he was buying for it and the time he was paying men to work on it. Honestly, I could have gotten the same results with about $100 worth of material form Lowe’s. But, NOW, his spending habits were coming in handy for me. This is how I justified the money that I ended up spending at the dermatologist’s office.It began with a discussion of services and cost for just one needle full-injection of Botox. I’m really fortunate that the dematologist and I had a long and friendly relationship. I really like her and I think the feeling is mutual. So, she was giving me a discount that was greatly appreciated. She injected the Botox in the furrow between my eyes and had a little left for around the corners of my mouth. She shot it a little high up so I could experice the enjoyment of having a full, lucious upper lip. I loved it! But, the immediate results are not the results that you get over time.
In a few days, my upper lip was not quite so Jolie but still was fuller than before the Botox.I had to go back this past Tuesday for a check-up. The problem was that I had been bitten by the FILLER BUG. I can see why people become addicted to plastic surgery. She asked me if I was happy with the results and I was honest and told her that I was hoping for a little more results. So, she asked me if I wanted to do some more. Without even stopping to inquire about the price, I answered with a big, loud, “YES!”.
So, I sat still while she injected another needle full of filler into my face. This time, she used Restalyne which is just a filler and does not paralyze anything. It, also, last twice as long as Botox. She, then, ask me if I wanted any more in other areas. Without hesitation, I said that I did. I had been bitten (or needled) by the Filler Bug.This time, she stuck the needle in my chin area. She had told me, at the last visit, that women do not think about the chin area when getting injections. She said that everyone was always amazed by the results of “filling in the chin”. I trust her and so, I agreed to the chin shots. I’m not a needle-wuss but that one hurt like hell! She saved a little bit and put it in my furrow between my eyes again. I swear the only thing deeper that my eye furrow is my belly button (which is freakishly deep and smells like ass) and we have already discussed in previous posts
.At the payment window, I pulled out my Saphire Visa and handed it to the lady. I was really taken aback when she handed me the statement to sign. I had just spent another $475.00!!!!! Oh, I need to add that I, also, bought some MIRACLE eyelash/eyebrow grower. I don’t know if it works yet since I’ve only used it for two nights and results cannot be seen until after 30 days. Hey…I figure if it works, $125.00 is a small price to pay to not have to draw on eyebrows that look like they should be on a crazy cat lady. I’m not good at making eyebrows. I can’t wear contacts and need my glasses to see anything (like eyelashes and brows) in order to put on mascara or whatnot.
This brings me back to the memory of having my eyebrows done with” permanent tatoo”. That really hurt like hell and was not permanent. It faded in quick time which was a good thing because I looked like John L. Lewis or Leonid Bresniv. My eyebrows were so bushy looking that they could have passed for a squirrel’s tail.
Tuesday evening, my face hurt. And, it had of big lumps….one between my eyes and a couple on my chin. I applied ice as directed and took some Tylenol.
The next morning, my face was a little swollen but I was not alarmed since swelling usually takes place and last a day or so.
Wednesday morning, I looked in the mirror. I saw Dudley Dooright from the Rocky and Bullwinkle cartoon staring back at me. My chin was BIG. And, it was SQUARE…….Check Out This Chin!
OK….I told myself not to panic. So what if I had company coming in from out of town for Labor Day. I assured myself that it would go down.
This morning, it has receded a bit. But, it is still rather BIG. And, SQUARE! I’m just hoping that by tomorrow evening, it will be a normal size. If not, I will need to come up with some excuse like a giant mosquito bit me on the chin….and between the eyes, which is, also, a little abnormal looking.
You’d think I’d learn my lesson. When I had my face lasered, it stayed bright red as if I had been in a house fire for a week. When I had my eyebrows done, I was scary looking and had to go to the dentist looking like the head of the Teamster’s Union.
Now, I look like a vintage cartoon character.
But, I’m wondering how much it would cost to……………..
It’s my anniversary. Nobody remembered. Not even TPKen, but then if he did, they’d have to bring in the electric paddle thingys to bring me back to life. He hasn’t remembered in a long time.
I’m at a crossroads in my life. I need CHANGE! I’ve really had enough of living in this unfinished house in the boogerwoods. No neighbors. Of course, that is a plus sometimes. I’m thinking of getting an apartment and just visiting here once a week.
Like I said. I’m in a sucky mood.
I tried to do a poll with polldaddy. I made the poll but couldn’t figure out how to get it in this post. Yeah, once again, I suck today.
So, here’s the poll and the answers. Choose one.
a. funny, creative
b. sarcastic, mean
c.caring, kind
d.biker chick/hooker
e. a word or two of your choosing
After, you decide which one, reply and tell me.
Then, tell me the funniest joke that you’ve ever heard, Or, tell me a big fat secret of your own. I could stand to hear some trashing of somebody or something, too.
This is YOUR CHANCE to help out a down-in-the-dumps-feeling-useless-sorry-for-myself redenck, white trash blogger (who doesn’t feel like blogging about a damn thing today. Who knows…you might inspire me!)
I’ll be sitting here waiting. Probably having a drinky-poo or six while I wait.
This is a post that I wrote in a forum a while back. I do not write there any longer and am moving some posts to this blog.
Also, I’m having a problem with my keyboard. If te letters h,u,t,i,g,n, l or b are left out of a word, fil tem in for yourself. I tried to correct tem al but fially gave up.
. You can’t see me!!!!!
The last 48 hours have been pure hell. Insomnia not only rearing it’s ugly head…..I think it’s about to eat me alive. Nerves feeliglike rubber bands being stretched to the break point. My whole body system seems to be singing a song called, “Kill me now and get this show on the road.” LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS of stress, which is aggravating my fybro and arthritis. I’ve take an insane amount of Motrin, Alleve, and Tylenol. Probably have major stomach rot by now.(Or, is that my belly button that I smell?……DOES YOUR BELLY BUTTON STINK? HeeHee…can’t pass up a chance to pimp another post. Actually, the 2nd most read post since I started my blog. Some of the comments are unbelievable).
TrailerparkKen has not been feeling well for some time. But, he refuses to go see a doctor. Why are men like that? Women, on the other hand, will go to find out what is wrong.. And, eventhough, I biotch about him a LOT in my blog, I am still concerned about his well-beig.. His blood pressure is 230/139….stroke area. I could not get him to go to the doc last night. He went today but his doctor was not there so he just turned around and came home. He refused to see the phys. assistant. One of the corners of his eye is blood red.
Now, keep in mind, we live out in the booger woods. If something should happen, it would take 911 the better part of a week to find us.
So, strung out like a junkie in withdrawal, I stayed awake last night almost all night. At 3 oclock this morning, I saw a car headlights in my driveway. The driveway is severalhundred feet long. Probably more than that. I’m not good at measurements. Never have been since I found out that there is a major discrecpacy between what a man consider 6 inches to me and what a woman KNOWS six inches is. Anyway the car pulls up pretty close to the house with the headlights glaring into my dark/lights off kitchen.
My first instinct is to go wake TPKen. But, then common sense took over and I realized that a sudden, abrupt awakening might cause something bad to happen to him. So, I realize that I’m on my own and it’s up to me to guard “my castle”.
I crept up to the window and took a hiding place behind a ficus tree. I watch for a few minutes trying to figure out who has coming calling at 3 in the morning. My mind is racing…..”fight or flee” reactions kicks in. I run into the bedroom to get the gun only to discover that TPK has removed the smaller Lady Smith and Wesson that I usually keep handy. It’s a very nice size 38 with “girly designs” and pearl inlay on the handle. Cute but deadly. In it’s place, he has laid his humongous handgun that has a 12 inch barrell. It’s a speical edition and it’s shell cost 5 bucks each. That gun is so heavy that an old west gunslinger would look like the Hunchback of NotreDame is he had it in his belt holster. This gun caused quite an argument between myself and TPKwhen he purchased it. I mean….why would you need a gun so heavy that you’d almost have to prop it up on a stool to even fire it. That is one damn heavy piece of metal and it was hard for me to even try to aim it. Well, at least he finally came to his senses about the $7,000 armour piercing monster gun that he had planned to buy. I think he realized that a judge would findthat grounds for D-I-V-O-R-C-E even in this gun crazy, redneck state.
S0, after pausing for just a sec, I know that if I’m gonna need a weapon, it’s gonna have to be that big-ass gun that was laying where my pretty, little S&W should have been.
Here I was….taking cover behind a fake fiscs tree and using all my arm and shoulder strength to hold that gigantic gun. I’m begining to have serious doubts whether I can even aim and shoot it in the right direction. But, being a big, ol redneck woman (and proud member of the NRA), I knew that I had to do what I had to do. So, keeping the lights off so as not to be an easy target for the gangsta outside), stumbled up the hall and found the phone…..ready to call 911 if necessary.
I took my position behind the ficus again and started watching. The car had not moved. I was sitting in the same spot. So, I started watching again to see if anybody got out. The headlights were still on and the motor was running. I decided to creep across to the front door and peep out. My front door is one of those with frosted glass that has a few clear “peepholes”. When I got in my ready to stop, drop and shoot position there, I looked out and saw that the car and turned around and was heading out. I caught myself breathing a big sigh of relief.
BUT, then the car stopped at the end of the driveway. So, I caught myself totally tensing up again. A few minutes later it drove off. This morning, TPK went out to get the newspaper. Turns out that it was the newspaper man (at 3 in the morning) pullig up our paper box and moving it out to the end of the road……which totally enraged TPK. They have been feuding about the location of the paper box for a few days now.
What bothers me is that I have been so edgy and ready to fight, that I could have honestly shot the paper guy. But for the grace of God, I am here writing this tonight instead of in the “big house”.
When I start getting really stressed, I start getting really angry. I find myself looking for a fight from just about anyone over anything. This is one of the most dangerous phases of my BP. Out of medicine and not have a pdoc appt for 9 weeks I decided that I had to do something PDQ. Andwith tail tucked between my legs, I visited a local “Express Care” office right now the road from me. I was straight up and frank with the doc. I told her that I was at the breaking point and needed help and need it immediately. I told her that if she refused to prescribe me something for pain, stress, andsleep, that I was going to go find some street drugs. And I was damn dead serious. And, I began to cry.
The last time that I got to a breaking point like this, it triggered one of the worst manic periods that I had in years. ple. This was the manic period when I came to a dead stop in the middle of the road because a two-toothed, shot gun racked, 4X 4 four wheel truck driving redneck was following me too close. I threated to kick his ass…..all 5’2″ of me up against his 6′plus frame. Could have gotten into some serious shit there until HE actually back down. Must have been smart enough underneath that skullet to know that he was dealing with a deranged woman.
I was slightly apprehensive that she would just think that I was a doctor shopper for drugs. But, she turned out to be very sympathetic. I got some arthritis med, some Xanax, and 12 Ambien. So, right now, I am in a thankfully pleasantly sedated
The bad part about that is that I have been trying to wean myself off all psych drugs for a few months now. This is a major setback to that. But, at least I won’t be in the pokey trading ciggies for half eaten balogna sandwiches with a skullet-wearig butch named Teensey
So….at this point in time, I’ll feed the sweet, siren song of the drugs. Otherwise, I might have to hone a insanity defense, which would probaly be totally true.
****This post was originally written about 3 yrs ago. No big emotional flare-ups since. Only bouts of depression ranging from mild to almost “ready to go see Mama”.
I dream of it. I picture it in my mind. I talk about it. Now, I’m writing about it.
I want to go into hiding……..
The problem with me hiding, though, is that with my luck, I’d hit my head on something while scampering to hide. I’d get a concussion and be unconscious for a long period of time. I would then go into a coma. No one would be able to locate me up here in the Boogerwoods until the smell of my decaying body would draw wild critters to feast.
I’d better think up another plan. Like running away to the rain forest and intergrating with the gorillas in the mist or something.
I have (as usual) gotten behind on a lot of stuff. I need to be working on taxes right now instead of writing a post. But, my stress level is on RED ALERT! I need a break and writing provides relief.
I woke up with a horrible case of diarreah which is slowing me down (yet making me really fastat the same time if you get my drift). In between bathroom trips, I have managed to balance the business account, pay business bills, run the sweeper (half-heartedly), mop, (also, half heartedly), and wrap up 7 packages of eBay items for mailing. I’m hoping that this little pause will refresh me enough to go to the post office and mail them.
Between the 3rd or 4th bathroom run this morning, I was in my kitchen throwing a roast and potatoes in the crock pot when movement outside the window caught my eye. A strange car was pulling up in the driveway. Since I live on a dead-end road that’s really off the beaten path, I don’t get many unexpected visitors. As I watched, a very elderly man and an ancient-looking frail woman got out of the car and came up the walk. These two were so old that I was afraid that climbing the steps to the porch would prove too much for them. I hurried to the door but just as I was a few feet away, my stomach starting churning which meant I could either open the door with dookey pants or leave them standing and run for the toilet. The first option was not very desirable so I took off at warped speed to the bathroom.
So, there I was……..sitting on the toilet with painful stomach cramps while two people who might have succumbed to old age/and,or/heart attacks/strokes, etc. began to bang on my door. They were banging on my door because TPKen has put “installing doorbell” very low on his list of finishing this damn house priorities. I think that it’s right below finishing the stairway that sets right smack dab in the middle of the living room. Hold on….
“takes deep breath and counts to 1 million”
Not gonna write or think anymore about all the unfinished house stuff right now. If I do, my head will explode. I’ll return to what I was writng about. Wait…..
“takes another deep breath and counts to 1 billion. does primal scream and kicks the garbage can”
No, I simply will not give in to dwelling on all of the unfinished shit here. After FIVE YEARS. Excuse me one more time……
“gulps down an Ativan with a drink of Jack Daniels, straight from the bottle”
There….I’m all better now. Back to the trots and the old people.
BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! To my surprise, those old people sure had some hard, loud knocking skills. I’m trying to hurry up with my bidnezz. I really wanted to know who they were and what they wanted. Finally, my tummy has ceased it’s seizures and unearthly growling. I hurried out of the bathroom, not even taking the time to wash my hands. I rushed to the door, swung it open, and
dammit…..I saw the back of their car as it was leaving. I, also, saw a paper that they had left sticking out from under the welcome mat. It was a WatchTower. I had been the victim of a Jehovah’s Witnesses drive-by.
No, I’m not going to bash Jehovah’s Witnesses. I am somewhat in awe of anybody who goes door-to-door these days for any reason. It’s neither here nor there whether I believe what they believe. If a person is so old and frail that I am afraid that they will not make it up my steps and has the dedication to their beliefs that these people obviously did, I say, “Good for them!”. To be truthful, though, I would have been kind but sent them on their way in a few short minutes.
I wonder if it’s true that JW will not knock at your door if you display an American flag. I just now remembered that I had heard that somewhere. If it is true, why would the American flag stop them? Maybe, it’s like a vampire and garlic. Would it cause them to fall down and burn up, leaving a smear of charred matter? If any of you know the answer to this, I’d like to know. I guess I could check it out on UrbanLegends or Snopes.
When TPSkipper and TPMidge were really young, there was an older lady from the Jehovah’s Witnesses who came to my house frequently. Her name was LuLu and she was an interesting lady. She would sit for a while and talk about all kinds of stuff. My girl’s loved it when she came. LuLuwas exceptionally happy with her set of false teeth. She would tell us all about when she got them, where she got them, the cost of them, and anything else you could possibly think of about false teeth. She would even take them out so that we could admire every single bit of them. LuLu suddenly stopped showing up. I watched the obits in the paper for her name. Yes, it was a morbid thing to do but I wondered what happened to her. Never did find out.
Ok…I’m bout done. Got a lot more to do today. I feel a tiny bit better. I might even tackle opening up our IRA statement. I’m not one that gets scared easily but these statements have been the things of which nightmares are made. I like to know what’s going on and go ahead and tackle problems head on but lately, (I’m ashamed to admit), I leave the statements on the kitchen counter for days before I’m brave enough to open it. Since we own a small business. we are responsible for our own retirement funds. We’ve lost over half of our money in the last few months. If we lose any more, I’m gonna have to take drastic actions and take up begging on the street corner. Seriously.
Today has been hectic to say the least.
I took a minute to make a wish. I wished for a less busy life…….
Not saying that all guys don’t help…..JUST MINE!
I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again. In the event that TPKen and I were no longer married, I would scour the lesbian ads. Not being a lesbian presents a small problem but I’ve figured that out. I would post on eHarmony that I am looking for a frigid lesbian who has no desire for sexual activity. I wouldn’t mind having a wife! Better yet, I’d be on the lookout for a frigid, older woman with money. Who says that I don’t have a dream?
I am in a tired stupor today. I started a post about a proposal from one of our thinking lawmakers.It’s a rare thing in West By Golly Stand Up and Holler Virginia to actually have a delegate who uses his gray matter before opening his mouth or voting on legislature. However, my brain is in a stupor today, too. So, I’ll save that until another day. In the meantime, check out this link so you’ll be prepared to either agree with me or rebut me.
In lieu of a “thinking” post, I’m gonna just tell you what all took place this weekend in My Boogerwoods.
The local United States post office seems to generate a lot of good stories for me. There was the time that I was not paying attention and put my outgoing mail into a Lion’s Club container that looked like the mailbox. And, it was sitting right by the real mailbox. But, it was a container to drop off old glasses for redistribution by the Lion’s Club. Let me tell ya….it turned into a major headache. No one at the post office knew who had the key to that box. I had to go through the phone book and find out which Lion’s Club was responsible for that container. It took 3 days before I could get in contact with the Grand Poop-pah or whatever is the title. It took another 2 days for him to get time to go unlock the box and get my mail out. However, he was kind enough to stick it in the real mailbox for me and saved me a trip back to the post office.
Then there was the time that I had a bunch of bills to mail. I jumped out of my car with my mail in one hand and a diet Coke in the other.I was planning on throwing my mail in the box and running into the bread/pastry store next door. Now, I’ll admit that I’m not real co-ordinated.One of my neighbors hollered at me as she was pulling out of the parking lot and I carelessly stuck the arm with the diet Coke in the box. I realized what I had done just about 1 1/2 seconds too late. A delayed reflex caused me to try to grab the Coke before it hit all of the paper and mail in the box, thereby ruining it. In a state of panic, I jammed my arm too far in the box and somehow got it stuck. The lid/trap door opening had partially closed and wouldn’t budge. I don’t know if a hinge had broken, a screw had rusted, or an arm-grabbing troll was residing in the box. But, somehow, I was unable to pull my arm out. I still to this very day can’t figure out what had come loose, broken, or whatever in the box. This was the freakiest freak accident that I could ever remember starring me. Think of the kids who climb in the quarter toy machines and then can’t get out. That’s what it was like. I found myself in a seemingly impossible predicament. To make matters worse, I was on my tip-toes. There I was, arm in box and having to stand on tip-toes in order to not injure myself.
I believe in angels. And, one came along within less than a minute. I’m sure that it had to have been less than a minute even though it seemed like much longer. This angel came in the form of a tiny little old guy with the sweetest face.
“Are ya stuck, honey,” he asked me.
“Sure am”, I replied. “Got any ideas how I can get my arm out without twisting it off?”
“Yep, I do” he said. And, without another word, he went back to his car and got some things out. I could see that he had one of those long poled snow cleaners. The ones that you can reach on top of your car and knock off the snow. And, in his other hand he had….a tub of butter.
What or earth? BUTTER and a pole? I briefly wondered if he was some kind of sicko who wanted to torture me while I was stuck. Shame on me, though! My elderly hero calmly butter up the pole and stuck it in the box. Then, he proceeded to rub the buttered pole all over my arm and as far down my hand as he could see. Then, he got more butter and repeated it. I remember just wondering why was he carrying around a tub of butter. As he was buttering me up, he told me that he had just come from the grocery store. I swear you would have thought this kind of stuff happened every day in his life. He never batted an eye or made any comments about how stupid I was to get myself in that situation. That’s why I think that he made have been an angel.
With the butter as a lubricant, I slowly moved and turned my arm until I felt it sliding right back up and out of the mail slot/opening. I had a couple of scratches which were probably from screws that had rusted from somebody else’s diet Coke.To this day, that little old guy is one of my heroes. And, I hope that if he really was an angel, he won’t tattled to the Big Guy about the words I was saying when he first saw me. This incident was right up there with the time that I got stuck under my bed and the time that I got stuck in my garage. Everyone has a talent and I do believe mine is getting stuck in places or things. And, I am damn good at it, too!
This weekend, I found out that my local postmaster is getting married! My local postmaster is truly one of the nicest people that I have ever met. But, he’s had a real history of bad marriages. His first wife and I went to school together. Nice girl, but excessively hairy. No joke. She looked like she was wearing mohair long johns all year long. His second wife was a nice looking blond. Not sure what happened there.
Now, he is getting married again. His bride-to-be is named Velda Lou. R, the postmaster, is not a bad looking guy. He has a great sense of humor, too. His biggest drawback…..he’s the size of Gary Coleman. So, I refer to him as my pocket postman.
His soon to be bride is about 6 foot tall. She looks like a man with that long hair preferred by some religious sects. Oh, yeah, she wears culottes (no, not clam diggers, not 3/4 length pants)……real old fashioned culottes that she sews herself.
This is what kept running thru my head all afternoon…….Veldo Lou, the Culotte Wearing Vixen and the Pocket Postmaster. What a great title for a book!!!!!! Or, low-budget movie.
So, congrats to R and V. Hope you live happily ever after.
Last night, I went to see the movie, The Wrestler. I really enjoyed it. I thought that I might have a hard time concentrating on the storyline due to the plastic surgery that Mickey Rourke had. But, that was not the case. Rourke was excellent in this movie and in a few short minutes, I had completely blocked the picture of Rourke in 9 1/2 Weeks with Kim Basinger.
It was a completely different Mickey on the screen…….
MR was totally immersed in his character, Randy The Ram. And, Marisa Tomei played a character so believable that I was not a bit shocked at her stripper’s nudity. She plays “Cassity” who is pretty much over-the-hill in age for a stripper. “Cassity” is really Pam, a single mom trying to earn a living in a sleazy strip joint.
OK…no more about the movie. You gotta go see it!
I’m sure that part of my enjoyment of the movie came from the fact that my aunts and my mom were “rasslin’ fanatics”. I’ve written posts about this craziness. You might remember my aunt who moved from WV to Charlotte, NC in order to stalk her fav wrestlers, Rick Flair and Randy Savage. Her daughter was totally infatuated with Leapin’ Lannie. Then there was my other aunt who attacked a wrestler named Pistol Pez after a match in which he hit her fav wrestler with a chair. She began to beat him around the neck and head with her purse. It was ugly. Security was called. I know this because I was the one who drove her and my Mom to the National Guard armory to watch the matches. I did not like going to these events but I did love my Mama and would take her when she wanted to go.
Yesterday morning, we saw our first bear track of the season. It seems a little early for the black bears to be roaming and I was a little skeptical when TrailerParkKen told me that he had spotted it. But, sure enough, it was a bear track. I’ve gotta sorta use to wild critters roaming around my house. I’ve learned to be observant and cautious when going outside, especially during the summer. I’m still a little afraid of the beastsbut have learned to not panic. The worse scare that I’ve had so far was not even from a bear. It was from a big-ass turkey. I wrote a post about that incident a while back. Here I was…..minding my own business, using the bathroom (really minding my business), when I heard loud, hard knocks coming from somewhere. I quickly pulled up my jeans and went to see what the heck was causing the racket. It was a really big-ass turkey knocking on the glass door of the family room. I tried scaring him away but he was determined to come into the house. That monster bird was pecking the glass so hard that I was sure he would break it. Finally, I started throwing stuff at the glass door and he finally waddled away.
So, that’s it……another adventurous weekend in The Boogerwoods!
First, I want to statethat I’m copying Greg Gutfield of Red Eye by using the nonword, checkerouters. Just want to give credit where credit is do. If you have the humor level of a high school aged boy (and I do), you must check out Red Eye. The shows comes on very, very late (one in the morning) but you can watch most of it on theRed Eye website.
Recently, I was given a great opportunity of being interviewed by The Vinyl Villager. VV has a really great blog with lots of funny stories about his life. He, also, writes about things in the news and makes some of the funniest comments that I have ever read. I’ve known VV for a long time but this does not make me partial to his blog. If his blog sucked, I’d just privately read it and never mention it to y’all. He is sarcastically witty. Best of all, he makes just as much fun of himself as he does anyone/anything else. Ya gotta love someone who does that.
So, after reading this post, y’all get your lil’ fannies on over to the Vinyl Village and start you day with a good laugh.
I’m gonna give a shout-out to one more blog……Mad Haiku. This guy is funny in a really off-the-wall way. Check out his Moby Dick in Haiku. That’s some funny stuff.
OK…I was honored to be chosen by Vinyl Village to do an interview with him. If you would like to be interviewed by VV, go check out his blog post on interviews and leave him a comment.
Here’s my interview:
1.. Whenever bad weather is coming, people run out to get milk and bread. What do you make sure to stock up on if you know you’ll be stuck at home for a few days?
I just gots to have me some of them Little Debbie cakes and Diet Coke! Almost as important is toilet paper and coffee. But, truthfully, I’m not one to run to the grocery store at the first mention of snow. Our weather people on the local news only get it right about 25% of the time. So, I just stick my head out the window. If it’s snowing, I’m not too worried. Living in the boogerwoods for years has required an SUV to get around. So, I’m pretty much ready to go when I feel the need or desire.
In the worse case scenario and I couldn’t get out, I’d just pull out one of our many guns and hunt me down some of the critters that wander around here. In the event that I couldn’t find any critters, I’d hop on hubby’s big-ass John Deere tractor and head out to WalMart. I would still be toting my guns to fend off people who might try to grab from me that last box of Devil Dongs.
2. Since you’ve known the Vinyl Villager since God was a boy, tell everyone some of your funniest or most embarassing stories on him.
I could tell a funny or embarrassing one. However, many of them would involve his Mama and he tells those stories much better than I ever could. So, I’ll leave writing about them (like the turkey that she left in her car truck and it rotted) to him. But, my favorite story is when The Vinyl Villager first learned to read. He was 3-4 years old and his Mama was bragging about how he had started reading big words and big-people books. I have to admit that I was a little skeptical….not that he could read but that he could read all the stuff that she said he could. My lil’ TrailerParkSkipper is only 4 days younger than VV. And, no braggin’, just fact’, she was sharp as a tack. But, there was no way in Oompaloompa Land that she could read words with more than two syllables. So, I was a tad unbelieving but…then, I heard something that darn near brought me to my knees in surprise. That little rascal had picked up a BIBLE and was reading it as well as Billy Graham! Waaaay better than Rev. “G-damn America” Wright. So, being the skeptic that I am, I thought that maybe he had just memorized a verse (which come to think of it is pretty darn genius for a kid that age). What was I suppose to think? Sheesh, most of the kids on my side of the family were still stumbling around with “Billy Eats Beets”. And, they were old enough to drive themselves to school! In all seriousness. VV was one of the smartest and best behaved child that I’ve ever known. Now, years later, I’m not so sure that I could say that. Just go read his blog and you’ll see what I mean. PS…VV…I was gonna say “smartest and best behaved children” in our entire family. But, frankly, you didn’t have a lot of competition when I think about all the bratty, annoying heathen children that were in our family. Not gonna mention any names but there were two who lived near you. We’ll just call them “Moey” and “Thad“. I’m sure you know who I’m talking about….the one’s whose mother had an imaginary psych degree.
3. If you could change any ONE thing about yourself–mental, physical, etc. what would it be?
Ouch! That’s a hard choice. I don’t think that I could choose between those two. So, I’ll take “FINANCIAL” for $500, Alec! I’d be a rich woman who gave $20 bills to strangers. My mental deficiencies are pretty much equal to my physical deficiencies so I’d be hard pressed to pick one of those.
4. How did you get started blogging and what is your favorite thing about doing it?
There are several reasons.
I started blogging because I’m a crazy lady that lives in the boogerwoods. It was either blog or collect cats. And, I didn’t want to be known as The Crazy Cat Lady Who Lives In The Woods. It’s much more desirable to be known as The Crazy Lady Who Lives In the Boogerwoods and Never Gets Off Of Her Computer.
I, also, thought that I might attract the attention of Danny Bonaduce or Gary Busey. I would love to have them comment on my blog. Both are Crazy (with a captial C) but, very interesting. It would be dabomb to have Busey comment something crazy but profound. Unfortunately, my original plan of sticking one or both names into every post that I wrote just didn’t work. I mean….how the hell can I mention of them when writing one of my poontange posts? Or, my stinky belly button posts? I’ve learned a lot about myself by blogging. I’ve discovered that my poontang and stinky belly button are more important and interesting to me that Gary or Danny. Sorry, guys.
PS….Maybe, I will tag this post with Busey and Bonaduce and they’ll comment!
To be serious (yuck), I’ve written stories and poems since I was in Jr. High. I like writing. I actually won a couple of awards in high school. But, the blog was really for me to write all kinds of crap about my family without them knowing it. I intended for it to be a place that I could express anger, disappointed, sadness, and …..HaHa…I crack me up! Actually, I just wanted ATTENTION and the assurance that there just might be other people out there with lives as crazy and dysfunctional as mine.
5. Which of the following would you find most embarrassing to have happen to you in public, and which have you actually done: 1. a loud, smelly expulsion of gas. 2. an accidental nipple flash, 3. an accidental cootchie flash, 4. being with someone else who did one of the above.
1. Loud explosion of gas….Done it…..yes, it was embarrassing. The most awful thing about it was that I was on a first date with a guy. He was haaawt and I think that the happiness of being on a date with him just made me explode.
It was, also, our last date.
2.Nipple…. Done it but only to my doctor. Not so embarrassing so it probably doesn’t count.
3.Cootchie flash….close. Once I was getting ready for a bath. TPKen had just left. The doorbell rang and I thought it was him because he was always forgetting something. He would leave his keys in his car and pound on the door. I wrapped a not so large towel around myself and went to the door. Not TPKen. It was the guy who lived across the road. I just acted like I walked around like that all of the time and pretty much remained calm. But, he immediately looked at my feet, told me that he was looking for TPKen and promptly left.
4.Yes,….TPMidge is a master of farting, belching, flashing, and all sorts of other things. TPSkipper tends to be more ladylike in the gassy dept. in public as well as with the belching. But, that girl will “moon” ya in a New York minute. Heathens! Those two have broken up the boring mile-after-mile driving of many a trucker.
5. (I added one) Puking in public….Yes, waaaay more times that I care to admit to. I think puking in public is far worse than farting or belching in public. You can blame a fart or a burp on somebody else. But, face it, there’s no way to blame that puddle of vomit on another person since it was seen coming out of you.
I’m sorry that I haven’t been here, but it wasn’t my fault!
This morning, a strange squerell crawled in through the window. It sneaked into the kitchen where my laptop is kept. I grabbed my favorite squiky toy from the time when I was just a little kid and threw it selfeslly at the squerell but I missed and it grabbed my laptop and ran into the bathroom. I yelled at it reel loudly, but that didn’t help, so I quickly put some really noisy Led Zeplin song in my CD player and turned the volume way up, hoping to skeer it away. Instead, it started to hop around like it was brak-dancing! I could not believe my eyes! The dancing squerell hopped so wildly, it knocked a glass of vodka off the sink and spilled it all over my computer.That pesky critter lapped at my keyboard so hard, the thing went haywire. I guess it must of liked it purdy good because it grabbed the whole bottle and ran away.
So, that’s why I haven’t blogged lately. I think a similar thing happened to me this same time last year. Only that time it was a big-ass terkey that came in thru the open window and squated on my keyboard and crapped!
Tecnology and living in the boogerwoods do not mix!
Love
trailerparkbarbie
PS Vodka messes up wurdcheck.
The real truth is that I totally wrecked my computer and had to go yesterday and buy a new one. Therefore, I am accepting any and all donations from anybody who likes to read the crap that I write or anybody that wants to pay me to stop wasting their time with the crap that I write.
This entry is just a hodge-podge of stuff that went on this week in my Redneck Boogerwood Life.
My husband is really, really obsessive about some stuff. One thing is this land that we live on. There are 36 acres. We don’t farm, have livestock, stables, rent to circuses, have crusades, run a nudist colony or anything else. In other words, we only use about 2 acres. One acre is a field in front of our house. It is kept mowed and cleaned off. I can look out my window at almost any given time and see deer, turkey, fox, and racoons. That’s really nice. But……..haha…..you knew there would be a BUT….
my husband is insanely obsessive about the other acres. He is constantly hiring people to mow and other stuff. Other stuff……he has focused on some tree stumps on a field that you can’t even see from our house. He has hired some local guys to haul off the tree stumps. Well, this sounded OK at first. But, then the tree stump job began to take quite a bit longer than I ever dreamed it would. Sum total of $1600.00!!!!!!! That wouldn’t be so bad if it was necessary. The other thing about this “tree stump adventure” is he hires a guy that knows a guy that knows a guy that he knows. Get it? He’s hiring day laborers that we know nothing about. Twice in the last week, I have been in my kitchen, still in pj’s, drinking a cup of coffee and looked out the window to see a complete stranger looking back at me. Nothing will wake you up faster than seeing a 6’4″ each tatooed bald guy staring at you in your “monkey see-monkey do” pj’s. I keep telling him that he does not know what kind of character these guys have.
This morning, there was a bulletin on the local news and an article in our local paper about a fugitive from justice staying right here on Boogerwood Road. There was also a pic…..of one of the guys who was looking back at me thru the window! This will not stop my husband from hiring transients and friends of friends. Since, I know that it won’t, I just got thru cleaning my Smith and Wesson. Yep, I’m a gun owner and intend to stay a gun owner.
I went to an after-hours business show with my daughter earlier in the week. I spent 2 hours going from table to table asking questions about stuff that I really don’t give a crap about. I got loaded down with a huge bag of brochures and other types of info. That damn bag got very heavy after a while. So, I took it outside and threw it in the garbage can. However, when I went back in, someone noticed that I didn’t have a bag and kindly got me another which quickly became filled with more stuff. This was a pain in the butt. But, I did have fun making up business names and stuff when asked who I was representing. I represented “a podiatrist, an advertising firm, a gentleman’s club, a mental health clinic, a dog groomer, and a tractor supply place.” I fielded questions with general info that I already knew and just made up the rest. Have to admit, that was fun. Not boasting, but I am a good bull-shitter and can do it with a straight face.
I ebayed some this week. I sold some stuff and made minus $20. In other words, I went in the hole. I, also, got on a buying kick. I tend to do this occasionally late at night….around midnight. I go in and look at items that are about to end in a few hours. I bid on stuff thinking that I will be outbid on most of it before it ends. Not this week…..I won 4 items. All are pottery pieces. Only one is worth keeping. It’s a really cool vase made by potter Marily Andrews. It’s called “Three Tall Women” and is 3 women back to back holding hands. I looked it up and it sold for $300 bucks to the orginal buyer last year. I got it for $50. That kinda makes up for the other things that I bought…….a Shiek head/face mug, a vase that I think came from a Dollar Tree, and some Boston Market restaurant coupons. We don’t even have a Boston Market restaurant in our area. They were just really cheap!
I use to be an extreme hoarder. And, I bought things in sevens. Seven towels, seven picture frames, etc. It took me a lot of hard work to overcome that. When we moved, I got rid of a bunch of stuff. Now, my bad habit is buying clearance stuff. I buy stuff for every Tom, Dick, and Harry that I know just because it’s marked down to 75% off. And, then……..I hardly ever give it to them. Mostly, because, it’s people that I hardly ever see. I know this is stupid and a total waste of money. But, I always get caught up in that “saving money” excitement. Of course, I’m not saving money by buying things that I have no use for. I’m trying to resist going shopping for this reason. I will think that I have it under control…..NO WAY! One store has a side walk clearance sale where stuff is marked down super cheap. And, this store is right across from my bank. When I go by it, I try to not look over there. But, then out of the corner of my eye, I’ll spot something…like a green neon polka dot pair of pants on a $1 rack and make a bee-line right for them. Next thing, I have filled up a couple of bags of one and two dollar items that I have absolutely no use for. But…..LOOK AT ALL THE MONEY I SAVED!The sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach starts as soon as I’ve gotten back in my car. Clearance items are not returnable so my mind starts racing with what to do with this stuff. I always try to look at the bright side……..at least it’s not a Saks or other expensive store. I would be in deep doo-doo if it was.
That’s about all the excitement that’s gone on at Boogerwood Road this week. But, hey, it’s only Friday. Weekend is coming! There might be a sale at the Piggly Wiggly or K-Mart!!!!!
You can’t see me!!!!!
Recent Comments