The Dali Mama Knows All (Almost)…..

FROM THE DESK OF THE DALI MAMA (SEE OFFICIAL SEAL BELOW)

 

The  last 2 days’ search terms are …uh…hmmm…..nasty and sick with a few very interesting and downright funny ones thrown in.

Usually, I glance at them and then go about my business. But, last night, I heard the voice of the one who appointed me to be the Dali Mama. (Follow link to read about my great awakening). My loyal and trusty regular readers who by now must surely number into the thousands tens, know that my Dali Mama creator is the lovely all-knowing  mannish, Ann Coulter. 

“You are the DALI MAMA!” I heard Ann’s voice telling me. “It is your duty to educate the lost, the inquiring, the ones in the dark, and give them the answers that they seek.”

Not wanting to disappoint (or face the wrath) of Ms. Coulter, today I will try to help those that are lost and searching for answers.

Here we go…….

Since you pervs went to so much trouble to find your kind of sick shit, I feel that it is my duty to help you out,too. Either with a web link or some good ol’ down home redneck advice.

So, let’s get started…..

poontang….Poontange lead the search in numbers by far and that’s OK. After all, I do admittedly write a lot about my pootang aka coochie aka hickeydoodle and of course, cooter……OW OW OW My Poontange Hurts .

Other posts dealing with vajayjays and hoo-haws: She Got That Pap Smear Where? and Celebrating My Poontang.

White Trash Sex

white trash sex…..well, I’ll not berate those who landed here while looking for “white trash sex”. I only makes sense that searchers would think that I know all about white trash sex since I am the White Trash Queen of the Trailerpark. And, of course, I would have written something about white trash sex. So, here it is….White Trash Sex w/SuperGlue .  SMELLY, STINKY, DIRTY, LINT-FILLED BELLY BUTTONS
stuff in your belly button…….AHA…a serious question that I have, also, addressed in the past……..Does Your Belly Button Stink. and, TheStinkyBellyButtonClub, which I am pleased to report has gone international!!!!!
do bugs have asses……By golly, yes, Virginia, bugs do, indeed have butts.
what does it mean when your belly button….see Belly Button link above
my belly button is damp and smells……also, see Belly Button link above
porno cu virgie……”what the hell is a poro cu virgie?” Anybody know?
poontange…..apparently a French person looking for poontang. Remove that damn “E” and read the POONTANGE linke above.
pinch nipples….I’m stumped on this one. Do they want someone to pinch their nipples? Do they want to pinch somebody else’s nipples? Has their nipples been pinched by catching them in a bus door?  Here’s a link with dozens of nipple pinching ideas.

Also, there were several searches about stinky drawers:

smelling dirty underwear

stinky panty

caught sniffing her panties

stinky Sponge Bob boxers

I will not post a direct link for you, sicko. But, there is one called Slimey Butt-Butts that might meet your needs. I’m curious…..what happened to you as a kid that makes smelly drawers so pleasurable?

Then, they only got even weirder…..

sons getting mothers pregenet…..The only answer that I can give for that is to find a qualified mental health specialist. Oh, and a good obstetrician. And, definitely, a good church to attend. Oh yeah….a good bail bondsman. Plus, learn to spell.

SCREWING STUFFED CATS

Shame on you! Having sex with something that cannot even give consent!!!!! Be a man/woman and try it with a real cat. You might find the claw marks all over your body to be attractive.

This is just small sampling of the weird search terms that I get everyday. But, then, I’m the Dali Mama. I know am suppose to know the answers to all questions.

If you have a burning, embarassing, serious question….go ahead and ask me, The Dali Mama. I’ll either answer it or make  fun of you.

The Gripes of Wrath…..

 

The Church of The Dali Mama delcares this day to be “Official Biotch and Coan Day”.

A little info for newbies…..I am THE DALI MAMA. I became D-Mama after a vision of a powerful witch (Ann Coulter) came to me. Read about it here……Ann Coulter Prolaims Me The Dali Mama. 

All members and prospective members are encouraged to post comments on what’s pissing you off lately or who/what have you found to be absurd/unfair/stupid.

Of course, The D-Mama will start.

1. I have been getting an increasing amount of ads for male enhancement products. I guess that’s what I get for writing the post on Stamina Pillows. Probably due to pingbacks (in this case should be called “dingbacks“). No matter how many I mark as SPAM, the amount seems to grow bigger(just like Bob! ) everyday. In the last two days, I have received emails from Betty, Barbara, and Betsy. All “B” names. Makes me think that Levitra Bob is trying to be incognito but can’t get away from the letter “B”. Today, Betsy sent me an email with the title, “Make Your Dreams Come True With Viagra Pro“. I didn’t open the link that Bob/Betsy sent but I was wondering when a man would go from regular Viagra to Viagra Pro. Is it when he turns professional and enters the Mr. World Stiff Member contest. Or, maybe, the Mr. Teeney But Stiff Weenie Competition? What’s next….Viagra Concrete? Hey, that wouldn’t be a bad idea, ya know. A concrete member would be handy-dandy for ball players. No need to carry a bat or balls. He’d have everything needed for a few friendly innings with his buds at the office picnic.

2. Here’s how rumors get started. TrailerParkKen, being the owner of his own business, spends  a large chunk of time on the internet at work.  He reads some national news sites, some local news sites, a local forum, among other things. Saturday he came home and said,

“Did you know that Loren Greene and Greta Van Sustern of Fox News were both Miss Americas?”

Fortunately, I had already seen the real story on the news. So, I said, “No, that’s not true. Greta was not Miss America. Gretchen Carlson on Fox and Friends was Miss. America. Gretchen and Loren Greene (msp?)”.

Here’s Greta……                          Here’s Gretchen……

Later that evening, I was talking to TPMidge on the phone. Just chitchatting about this and that when she said, “Hey, did you know that

Gretchen Wilson (Redneck Woman) was Miss. America?” I said, “Who told you that?”

She said, “Dad did. He read it on the internet.”

Without missing a beat, I answered, “No, she was not. It was…….” That’s when I got an idea to see just how mixed up I could make them. I said, “He got the it wrong. It is actually Gretchen Frasier, a key member of Greater Boston Parents, Families & Friends of Lesbians and Gays.”     I’m not meaning anything negative toward Ms. Frazier or the GBPFLAG. I’m just curious to see what Gretchen will be proclaimed to be Miss America the next time that I hear it.

3. Has this happened to you lately? Have you gone into WalMart or another store and spotted a sign that says 75% off of things that you want to buy? Then, you get up to the checkout and the item scans at regular price?

Weirdly enough, this has happened to be about 90% of the time that I have been shopping lately, especially at WalMart. It happened again at CVS on Friday. This is so common lately, that I have been pulling the 75% off sign from beneath the items and taking it to the checkout with me. Then, the clerk gets bent out of shape and calls the dept manager who in turns calls the assitant manager, who ends up either calling the store manager or just tells me that “It’s a mistake. Somebody has just set that down in the wrong place.”

“Reaaalllly. Then how come there are at least 2 dozen of the items with the sign below them.”

I find this to be sooooo misleading and dishonest. Since I am still (for the most part) in possession of my faculties such as hearing and seeing, I am able to spot these errors and demand a refund, I don’t get taken for the price bait ripoff scam. But, it really pisses me off knowing that there are elderly people on fixed incomes who who do not think to check their receipt to see if they have gotten the right price. WalMart has been exceptionally bad for displaying the wrong prices in the last month or so. Be sure and take notice when your items are being scanned there.

4. Why do people continue to knock and knock at your door when it is obvious that you are not/cannot answer it? Recently, TPKen hired some guys to do some cleaning up of dead branches and stuff around our house. I saw one of the guys that morning. Later on, I decided that I just had to do something about my winter-drab hair. I’m one of those do-it-yourself hair colorers. I’ve been doing it since I was in my teens. On this day, I decided that I would dye my hair light brown all over and then stick a few cool-shaded blondes highlights here and there. I got the brown dye part done and was in the process of highlighting when I heard a knock at the door. Now, my hair processes pretty fast which means that I need to put the highlights on as quickly as possible. No lollygagging around between strokes if ya know what I mean.  I decided to ignore the knocking and continued putting the highlights on my hair. But, then….

KNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCK….and since it was so loud and persistent, I figured that I had better go see who it was. Just as I thought, it was the “branch” guy but he was walking away as if he had given up. I hurried back to the bathroom to finish. Just as I was putting the second strand of highlights in the back….

KNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCK

I knew that I would be taking a chance of overbleaching the hair that I had started the highlights on, so I tried to ignore the knocking.

But, he wouldn’t quit. He started pounding on the door. I thought something might be wrong and quickly set down the applicator and went to peer out the window. He was walking away again. I watched as he went out and sat down in the lawn swing. Figuring nothing was really wrong, I went back to my task.

Uh oh….the strands on top were already getting really dry and I still needed to finish the back and sides. I raced to get back and sides strands covered. I had almost finished when….( swear I could have killed.)…he started knocking again. I knew that I was already in trouble with having the top of my hair covered in dry strands and the back still dripping with dye. So, I hollered at the top of my lungs,

” I CANNOT COME TO THE DOOR RIGHT NOW!”

….but he kept knocking!  And, I was getting really, really pissed. But, then, I started thinking that if something bad had happened to him and I didn’t go see, I would not be able to forgive myself. I ran to the kitchen window with pictures of me being bald in my head. I flung open the window and yelled, “What do you want? I’m doing something that I just can’t keep stopping right in the middle!”

On my front porch was his boss who looked at me with a startled face.

He said, ” I was just wondering if you need an invoice for this work?” Since, he has asked for payment in advance and had already been paid, I just shook my head and slammed the window shut.

I raced back to the bathroom and was not happy to see that my hair had processed at a different speed in different sections. I wasn’t surprised but I was certainly not pleased. I washed all the stuff out and sure enough, it was a mess. I looked like a mutated candy cane with different shades of red all over my head. Intertwined with the red stripes were stripes of almost white. It was horrible. I should have taken a picture but that was the last thing on my mind. I had used a brand of hair dye that I had not used before and it had not worked out with the highlights of a different brand. I looked something like this….. Except, I did not have a red/white striped bow. That was how my actual hair looked.

I spent the rest of the day and most of the next trying to correct my hair. It took 3 more boxes of hair dye before I felt that I could safely go out in public without scaring children or attracting men with a Raggedy Ann/Barber pole fetish. I’m just really thankful to God that I did not end up bald.

I’ve got plenty more gripes but this has taken longer than I expected.

Now, it’s your turn. What’s your gripe?

Church of The Dali Mama….

 

I took this video undercover at The Church Of Richard Simmon’s Sweatin’ To The Holies…..look closely and ya can spot TPSkipper getting into the spirt!

As most of you know, I have been unwillingly annoited to be the Dali Mama….Seeker of Truth, Head Mama to All….by the spirit of Ann Coulter.

I started thinkin’……hmmmm…..a spiritual, wise,compassionate, business savy leader needs a place for their followers to gather. I’ve been doing extensive spying undercover reseearch on various houses of worship for the last month or so. I think that I have finally founded the perfect movement. The Church of The Dali Mama’s 30 Days To A Thinner Self. Dues…err…..tithes will be required as follows:

10% of all your earning once a week

 $5.00 non-refundable parking valet service

$25.00 all you can drink veggie/fruit juice bar….once a week “donation” required

Undisclosed fee for personal audience with DM. Photographs are an extra charge.

We had our first service this past weekend. Here is a videotape of it: (Copies….$22.50. Please send money order or cashiers check. S&H fee of $10.00 extra)

 

I have decided after much Tai Chi, inner-self-examination, binges on Little Debbie cakes, and background checks that the following people will be offered roles of importance.

Vinyl Villager….my second in command. He shall be called the Dali Papa. I’m working on a uniform for you……..

Big Hair Envy….the keeper of all church relics. She shall be called The Keeper of the Aqua Net and Official Dispenser of Sweat- mopping Towelettes. I am working on a uniform for you, too. It will look something like this:

Bouncer Enforcer of the Faith (check out the woman in the blue dress in the above video. The EOF must be able to knock people out with a single shove just as she does)……For this position, I am considering several people. If YOU think that you can handle this job…submit your qualifications in the comment section.

However, do not fret my other beloved friends/children/followers/lost sheep…..I am now researching what other Executive Positions that may be needed in the future. If you have a suggestion, please leave it in the comment section.

NO financial officer suggestions allowed. I’ve got this covered.

Yours in fitness and faith,

THE DALI MAMA

Edited 9-22-08

Thanks to the generousity (and shaking down) of some persons who wish to remain anonomous (Newt Gringrich, Miley Cyrus, Bill Gates, and Popeye…shhhh. Don’t tell!), I have a big announcement. We now have the money to purchase a uniform for our Official Footwasher, Woody  (who is not aware that she holds this position just yet).

At first, I thought we might need something a tad bit modest….like this>>> 

But, then I got another vision from AC and she told me that we could save more “soles” with this lovely outfit known as The Heidi Ho’….

I Am The Dali Mama

 

I’ve had the Big Awakening. An incident yesterday morning has transformed me forever. I am now the Dali Mama.

Ya see, it happened like this. Scurrying thru the house (because I was running behind as usual), I hit my little toe on my right foot on the edge of the stairs. I cursed, jumped around, rubbed my toe, and cursed some more. But, being in a hurry did not allow me to have the time to do what I would normally do which is sit down, feel sorry for myself, and bawl like a big-ass baby. Then, the unthinkable happened. I got up off of the sofa and started down the hallway when I hit the same toe on the same spot of the stairs. This time, I stopped right in my tracks, just frozen like a deer in headlights. I heard a loud masculine voice from above. Ann Coulter???? Nah, no way! It couldn’t be…….“Bow before me lowly voter!” the voice said. OMG! It was Ann Coulter!

“Ann Coulter, why are talking to me? And, why do you have such a large Adam’s apple?” I asked.

“SILENCE, MORTAL!!!!! I have come to give you a purpose in life” , she said. “From now on, you will be known as the DALI MAMA!”, Coulter commanded. Either that or she said, “Throw a stone at Barack Obama”. It was hard to tell because I was waaaay too focused on the white hot pain shooting from my toe into my foot and moving it’s way up my leg.

“Did you say something about Obama or Mama?” I asked. But, she had already left to head to the DNC.

Mama? Obama? Obama-mama? Mama-obmama?

Well, the only thing that I can do is try one and if that doesn’t work, do the other. And, since, throwing rocks at Obama could get me some slammer time, I’ll do the Dali Mama first.

So, I am here to answer your questions about life, Scary Spice, Big Foot hoax, the ingredients of  head-cheese (lunch meat), etc.

To get things started, I will attempt to answer a couple of the most important questions of all time.

 1. What is the meaning of mmmbop?

A.Sometimes it is difficult to see our own potential. It is strange to wonder how we get to the place we are at in life, and why it is us, and not someone else. Mmmbop is what drives one individual to become successful, and one individual to live in their parents’ basement at 35, playing video games, and watching re-runs of Seinfeld. This state of existence is referred to by profound thinks (such as myself, the Dali Mama) as Lllbop, the state that precedes Mmmbop. The individuals who are most at peace with themselves are in the Zzzbop.

Q. Is Chuck Norris human?

A. No. He is SuperHuman with skills bestowed upon him by the ruler of the planet, Kickass.

Q. What makes grey poupon mustard different from regular mustard?

A. It is grey. And, it has poupon in it.

Q.. Who is my baby daddy?

A. I am the Dali Mama. You need Maury Povich.

Q.. What can I do about my husband’s disgusting habit of passing gas at the table during holiday dinners?

A. Let this become your mantra, “I can not change another person’s actions. I can only change my own reactions.” Then, throw a bowl of hot yams at him.

Q. How old is Wayne Newton?

A. 14 1/2 in dog years

Q.Who said, “When I despair, I remember that all through history the ways of truth and love have always won. There have been tyrants, and murderers, and for a time they can seem invincible, but in the end they always fall. Think of it–always. “

A. Mahatama Ghandi….or Gary Busey. I get them confused.

Q. Do you unicorns really exist?

A. Of course, silly! They exist in the Land of Fairies and live in Mushroom Stables.

Q.What is Satan’s last name?

A. Jones

 

Since becoming the Dali Lama, I have been in deep study trying to understand life. While doing some research on other profound thinks, I found the following deep meaning statements.

I was sad because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”

A lot of people are afraid of heights. I’m afraid of widths.

If girls with large breasts work at Hooters, then do girls with one leg work at IHOP?

If a transvesite goes missing, would youu put their face on a carton of Half and Half?

I asked a chicken why it was crossing the road. It told me it was none of my business.

Nothing is worse than being alone on the evening of the day when one’s cow has exploded.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in a hospital dying of nothing.

Now, I must go. The Dali Mama has a busy afternoon. I must practice my yoga while pondering the big question of…..just what was Willis talkin’ about?

Naked Yoga Frees The Body (of tight clothes that cause indentions in your waist)

 

. Plus, I’m hungry and am really craving some Taco Bell.

Questions for the Dali Mama? Feel free to ask them.

“edited” Dali Mama has enlightened some readers in their comments. If you have a quesiton, problem, minor ailment, or love life problem,……feel free to ask the Dali Mama. I will also, answer questions about child rearing, redneck etiquette,white trash protocol, and backwoods decorating.

Disclaimer…..I am not a doctor. I only play one on this blog. Medical advice given should not be taken seriously.

Gimme a D-U-H….

……what’s that spell?

By RACHEL SLADE / The Dallas Morning News
Police and firefighters were called to the University of Texas’ Jester Hall to free 26 cheerleaders who had crammed themselves into an elevator.

A group of 14- to 17-year-olds attending Texas Cheer Camp in Austin decided to see how many girls they could squeeze into the elevator around 6 p.m. Tuesday, campus police said.

The elevator successfully descended from the fourth floor to the first, but the doors refused to open.

The panicked girls managed to wiggle a few cell phones free to call for help. But it took about 25 minutes before a repairman was able to fix the door, police said.

“It’s dangerous actually,” said Rhonda Weldon, director of communications for the UT Police Department. “They’re lucky that that’s all that happened.”

One teen fainted and was treated and released from a nearby hospital. Two others were treated at the scene.

“Take the sign seriously,” Ms. Weldon said. “There are signs everywhere: No more than 15 people or 3,000 pounds.”

Hey 26 cheerleaders, are you really that stupid?…..

More stupid people…..

Rielle Hunter (aka Lisa Druck) admits that she is in love with John Edwards and believes that they will be married in the future according to Fox News. How stupid can one woman be? Does she not realize that their affair is a done deal and now Edwards is only practicing what he preaches…..which is protecting the poor the whore (and himself).

Seems like the upstanding holier-than-thou Senator from North Carolina picked a real LucyGoosey to play hide the salami with…..Lisa Druck.

Earlier today, I wrote a very long post ripping Edwards a new a-hole. But, then I heard a voice (is that you, God? Mom? Jerry Falwell?) telling me not to be so unkind and I deleted it. Stop laughing!!!!! I AM capable of being sensitive and nice.

Oh, alright…I’m lying. My computer went nutso and I lost the post. Now, there’s no sense in re-writing all that crap because it’s on every other blog on the entire internet.

Edited to add…….OMG!!! Love Lips????!!!!!!! Her nickname for Johnny Breck Boy  Edwards is LOVE  LIPS!!!!

I heard Ann Coulter on Red Eye last night say this……Edwards liked to play kinky games. He wanted Rielle/Lisa to act like she was an ambulance so he could chase her around the room. Bwahahahaha

Greg Gutfeld had the funniest picture of Edward’s not-claimed love child on there. I wish I had it to post here but I cannot find it now. It was a baby with a pacifier in it’s mouth and Edward’s perfect hair. I laughed out loud at it.

The third nominee for today’s fresh from the oven shitcake……

Nutritious  AND Delicious!

MARATHON, Fla —  Authorities say a grandmother was arrested for driving around the parking lot of a Marathon grocery store with her 3-year-old child sitting on the roof of the car.

Monroe County Sheriff’s Office deputies were called to the Publix store Tuesday and arrested a 54-year-old woman after she was driving around with her three-year-old granddaughter on the roof of her car.

The grandmother was released from jail 15 hours later.

The woman said Thursday she would never let anything hurt her granddaughter. She says she was driving at “snail-speed” and holding the child’s leg.

Authorities say the woman told police she was giving the child some air and letting her have fun.

She faces charges of child abuse. The child is back with her mother.

What the hell is wrong with that woman? ‘Round these parts, we know not to put our kids in danger. Lordy, granny, ain’t ya ever heard of DUCK TAPE?…..