I started to title this….”Big Butt…Be Gone (before someone drops a house on you and you get stuck under it).
I’ve had a hard time keeping weight off my entire life! I’ve lost and gained at least 3 people since my teenage years. Now, I’m proud to report that I have lost 30 POUNDS!!!! Yay, me! I can remember at least three incidences that motivated me to lose weight. Well, actually 4…but the first one doesn’t really count because it made me angry more than motivated. The first time was when I was in the 7th grade. My best friend had a younger brother who was a pretty nice boy. No,I didn’t “like” him so it wasn’t a crush thing. He actually reminded me of that cartoon donkey on Hee-Haw….long face and big teeth.
I never told him that but one day, he had the balls to tell me that I had a pretty face and it was too bad that I was fat! I think that it didn’t motivate me because it was like the Hee-Haw jackass was pictured in my head and talking to me.
The second time, I had a huge crush on a boy in high school. I had stalked this guy all over the high school….in ninja mode, of course. It was one of those “w”ong side of the tracks” stories….with me being the wrong side . I was the poor white trash girl who hung with the bad crowd and he was the semi-wealthy and classy popular jock. And, he asked me out to the movies. I was walking on cloud nine!!!! Kinda sounds like a Molly Ringwald movie, huh? It would have been titled something like “Pudgy in Pink” instead of “Pretty in Pink”. At the time, I worked at a Tastee Freeze (which might have explained some of the weight gain) and he stopped by almost everyday. One day, my co-workers and I were bored and goofing around doing silly stuff. Like making banana splits with no bananas just to see if anybody would notice. Nobody did! Then, I got this “bright” idea that I was going to squeeze thru the little square take-out window. I was about halfway thru….head and shoulders sticking out of the window. But, then I couldn’t get my hips through!!! I was STUCK halfway out/in the window when, but, of course, my crush pulled up! I’m pretty good at quick thinking…but it’s not always good ideas. I just nonchalantly acted as if it was perfectly normal that I had my big butt stuck in a small square window and chatted with him as if everything was perfectly cool. Finally, he asked me why was I hanging out the window and I said it was because of a bet that I could stay that way and serve customers their ice cream for an hour. Thank goodness, he finally left and I could begin the procedure of inching my way back in the building! I knew that I had to lose weight! And I did….25 lbs!
Over the years, it came back. The second time that I knew that I had to do a big-butt-go-away was when I got wedged under my bed. I have a Paul Bunyon style bed that is really high up but very low to the floor. I spotted a missing shoe under it and flattened myself out enough to schooch under the bed. Feeling victorious with missing shoe in hand, I started inching back out….only to discover that, once again, I was STUCK! No one was home and panic began to set in. I began to pray!!!!! No one was due home for another 3-4 hours. I couldn’t imagine staying under that bed with all those dust bunnies irritating my nose and eyes. I knew that I had to come up with some rational way to get out. So, I exhaled all of my breath, flattened myself as much as possible to the floor and very slowly inch by inch backed out….covered in dust..and some aching shoulders and hips. Yep…time to lose weight again! And, once again, I did. Lost about 20-30 lbs. I vowed to never get that overweight again…but of course, I did.
This, the third (and hopefully final) time, I realized that my current hobby of sitting on the couch watching TV and eating Little Debbie Cakes was making me tired and sick. I had, also, discovered that my “emergency fat” wardrobe was getting quite snug. Hanging out in loose pjs all day worked for that….unless I had to go out! I knew that I was letting my life get sucked away by my big butt being stuck in the couch. Plus, I needed to be able to keep up with my extremely active grandson, Ian (who was about 3 or so at the time) and both of my active daughters, Meg and Annie. They eat very healthy and get lots of exercise. I love hanging with my daughters. However, sometimes, being with them is hanging out with exercise queen, Jillian Michaels…
Seriously, my daughters will not go on a vacation and stay anywhere that doesn’t have a work-out room. But, I knew that if I didn’t get into shape, I would be sitting in the corner while they had fun and begged me to join them. I want to live my life as God intended…to the fullest! I tried different plans for exercising but would soon give up. I figured that if I was going to get the physical activity that I desperately needed,it would have to be something that I enjoyed doing and could do even in bad weather. So, I began to DANCE! I take 30 minutes everyday, turn on some good music and dance all over my house. Plus, I’ll stop doing whatever I’m doing at the time if a good dance song comes on the radio. I DANCE AND DANCE AND DANCE! Plus, thru Trailerpark Skipper, I’ve learned so much about nutrition and healthy eating. So, no big well-known diet plans…no magic pill…no clubs! Just determination. This time, I’m keeping it off. I have to since I live in the Boogerwoods! Nobody would find me here if I got stuck!
Now….I’m gonna go DANCE!!!!!!!!!!!
OMT…This has, also, helped with my depression so much!!!!!!
I love this post! Hilarious and horrifying, as school often was. You make me want to turn on some music and DANCE!