I said, “OH HELL NO! You won’t!” after firmly shutting the door and locking it behind him!
OK…I admit that I have more than the average number of weird/freaky/strange characters in my life. I am apparently putting out some kind of “freak friending” scent or something. And, to be honest, most of the time, I enjoy the odd people who I meet. They make life very interesting. I’ve written about several of them in the past with fond memories.
But my exterminator is so friggin’ weird that I am borderline afraid of him. Only borderline because being a good white trash woman, I do have and know how to deliver some severe hurtin’ on anyone that ever tries to hurt me. And, owning several guns, rifles, a taser gun, and machetes bolsters my lack of fear. I’ve had friends and family tell me that I’m somewhat naive and too trusting. I think that it’s the fact that I believe that most people are actually good. Of course, I realize that sentiment didn’t keep poor little Anne Frank alive, did it? On a side note…there is one person that I am seriously terrified of because she is truly nuts. She is a hoarder and you can barely see her house at this point. She lives about one half a mile from me. She’s one tough cookie. She has shot at kids waiting on the school bus because she said they were on her property. And, she is as strong as an ox! One summer, my husband hired her son to help cut down some big trees and remove the stumps. She showed up and asked if he would hire her, too. Frankly, I think that he is afraid of her, too, so he hired her. That woman outworked both guys. She picked up tree limbs and stumps as big as a refrigerator and tossed them into the truck. So, yes, I am afraid of her. Oh yeah, she weighs about 300 lbs!
Back to my exterminator. First, I want to assure you that my house is not infested with big ugly ass bugs or other creepy crawlies. My problem is that I live in the woods and field mice just love to come in after dark to find a snack or when it’s cold to get warm. The very first night that I moved into this house, I was freaked out by seeing a mouse run out from under the fridge and another one run under the dishwasher. Then, after going to bed, I saw TWO more in my husband’s bathroom. (We have separate bathrooms because I can’t stand pee on the floor around the commode. And, I REFUSE to clean up pee for any person who is over 4 years old or handicapped. That’s why he HAD to hire a lady to come and clean his bathroom. You would think that a grown man could get some paper towels and wipe up his own piss! Sorry, I got off topic but, damn, that rant felt good!)
Once again, back to Billy Bugman. He is the 3rd one that I’ve had. The first one gave me the willies because he had coal black dyed hair and looked like an undertaker. The next one decided somewhere along the line that he lived here part time and I could NEVER get him to leave. Plus, he got fired for something mysterious. When I have asked about him, all the people speak in a hush whisper and say that he was terminated. A terminated exterminator. Just realized how funny that sounds.
The latest one is….well….nuts! The first time that he came, he was pleasant enough but it was like he was an actor playing The Bugman. Something strange that I can’t explain but he did seem nice enough. As he got ready to leave, he handed me a business card which pronounced him to be a Life Coach. I think that this is kinda ironic because he is a LIFE coach and is killing critters. Is it just me, or is that like karma went haywire somewhere? As soon as he left, I looked him up on the internet and he had a site that said….(better use a fake name here)….Don Dickman…Life Coach. Call me to help you with life’s problems.” Then it listed a phone number and THAT WAS ALL! I googled him some more and saw where he had commented on a lot of different blogs and forums. Comments that made no sense. AND, he is a total religious zealot. Let me say that I believe that God sent his son to die on the cross for us. So, don’t think that I’m heathen or anything like that. When you read about the next visit, you’ll understand.
The next visit, he had apparently been touched by/drank/or ate something that had turned up his religious manic meter a few notches. As he walked around my house spraying baseboards, laying mouse glue traps, and such, he kept up a constant stream of, “Yes, I am soooo blessed! AMEN!” And, then he starts telling me about how God came to him and told him that he was going on a mission abroad. And, he was pretty certain that it was to Egypt or PARIS! The only thing stopping him was lack of funds. But, God had also spoken to him telling him that he would meet a nice lady that wanted to help him out. AND, he was going to meet her that morning! It was 9 o’clock in the morning…hmmmm. And, you know how you get that feeling that a person is talking about YOU even though they don’t actually say it? Well, I had news for the Bug Man, I wasn’t about to send him on a holy vacation to the next county much less Cairo or Paris!
Then, IT HAPPENED! He was getting ready to leave and heading for the door. Suddenly, he paused in a dramatic fashion and turned around. I thought, “Oh Lord, he’s gonna kill me and take my big jar of change that was setting on a shelf.” But, that wasn’t it. He told me that God had just spoken to him and told him that I had something going on in my life and needed prayer. Well, the only thing that I could think of was the fact that my husband wouldn’t quit peeing on the bathroom floor but I didn’t figure that was big enough for God to demand prayer for me. I rapidly searched my brain and told him that I had a sinus infection and was on antibiotics. “That’s it!” he said with a bit of excitement in his voice. So, when he requested to pray with me, I figured it wouldn’t hurt anything. He laid down his chemical canister and walked toward me. He placed his hands on my shoulders and drew me a little closer to him. Then, he put his hand on my head and started praying. I was pleasantly surprised to find the praying to be quite soothing…at first. Suddenly, his voice got louder…and louder….and he starting speaking in tongues. I had no clue what he was saying except for the word, “Yawah” which he said a LOT! Well, I have an insane sense of humor and was finding this to be kinda funny. I mean really…my exterminator is firmly holding his hand on my head and praying in tongues very LOUDLY! I try not to be judgemental and just thought…”To each their own” and decided to just stand quietly until he finished. But, he kept going…and going…and going….and I was starting to get a damn headache from the pressure of his hand and his screaming praying. Finally, he started winding down and finished. Just as I thought that I was in the clear, he grabbed me in a bear hug and said, “Sister…God spoke to me. Something good is coming your way! HALLELUJAH!” And, I thought….”Darn tootin’…you’re leaving and that’s good!” I swear this seem to have gone on for a good half-hour. I felt like I was on Benny Hinn or something. Thankfully, he left then!
Since I am a sucker for weird amusement, the next time that he came back, I couldn’t help but wonder what was in store for me this time. He didn’t disappoint. He came in with huge smile on his face. As always, he asked how I was doing. I made sure to tell him that I was just fine. I didn’t want another headache! Being polite, I asked him how he was doing. Big mistake! He said, “I left my wife! Hallelujah!” I said, “Do you mean you left her somewhere and are going back to get her or left her?” And here is what he told me…..
“I left that disobedient Jezebel! She is not obeying nor respecting me. She is spending too much time at church!” (huh?) Plus, he said that she claimed to be sick all the time. Now get this…..he claimed that one night God woke him up and told him to turn on the television. Because on the television was a preacher talking about disobedient wives (or in his case, Jezabels) and how God punished them with sicknesses for not honoring their husband’s position as head of the household. And, he said that he realized that every time his disobedient Jezabel took to her sick bed was after she had disobeyed/not honored him.
Oh, and there is more…..
It seems that this guy was under the impression that he was an associate pastor of his church. So, he decided to confront the main pastor and ask him when he was going to be able to share a message with the congregation. The pastor informed him that he was NOT a pastor AND had been missing Wednesday night services without the church’s permission. Well, I’ve never attended a church where you had to have permission to miss a service. I don’t know…maybe, he needed a note from his doctor (or psych doctor). So, Bug Man decided to resign from being an associate pastor (which he wasn’t to start with!). He told me that he couldn’t wait for his DJ (disobedient Jezabel) to find out that he was through with that church. He was frightenly happy just thinking about it. He then went on to tell me that God had found him an apartment to move in to just as soon as he moved out of his marital home! And, while rambling, he accidentally sprayed chemicals all over my boobs! He apologized and picked up a dish towel as if he were going to wipe it off. I said, “No…that’s alright! Won’t have to worry about boobie cooties!” I was trying to lighten up the mood a little.
I found his behavior to be disturbing. It reminded me of one of those crazy people that go off the deep end and shoot up a place. Please, readers, tell me that I’m not over reacting. This isn’t normal behavior, is it?
This time he didn’t pray with me but he did say, “I love you, Sister” as he left. Holy crapola!
So, now I’m trying to figure out how to get out of my contract because if I call the company and request another Bug Man, he might come back and seek revenge….probably considered justified revenge because God told him to kill me.
So, any suggestions? In the meantime, I keep my taser somewhere where I can get to it easily.