Yes, I know….two posts in one day! I hope it’s not too much excitement for any of you.
So…here we gooooooo…..
Today is a very busy day! I was on the couch with a “bug” all week and have so much catching up to do. Laundry, cleaning, catching up on all my recorded episodes of reality shows, etc.
Around 10:30, I decided that I might be more energetic if I actually got dressed out of the pj’s that I had been wearing since Thurs. Or, did I put them on Wed? Doesn’t matter either way because they were starting to smell bad enough to knock a buzzard off of a shit wagon.
I was in the bathroom drying off when I heard the doorbell ring. I rushed and put on my once-plush bathrobe and went to the door. There, before me, stood two very well-dressed and distinguished looking gentlemen. Here I am with crazy hair (my hair IS crazy until I dry and smooth it down) dressed in a bathrobe that has a hole located near a very private area (lets’ just say that I was getting a good airing out down there).
“I’ll bet you think we are Jehovah’s Witnesses.”…..the tallest man said.
“Well, either that or somebody trying to sell me encyclopedias that nobody ever uses anymore,” I replied.
The man chuckled politely and said, “No, we are JW’s and would like to take a moment of your time.”
My very weird brain starts processing this and what I could do to turn it into a positive experience for ME. It’s not that I have anything against JW’s. I actually admiring their balls going door to door with people slamming doors in their faces and calling them Satan Spawn and stuff. That takes major dedication.
And it went like this…..
JW….”God wants us to read the Bible everyday and follow its instructions.”
Me…”I agree. My pastor has preached on that many, many, many times.”
JW…”Are you familiar with our beliefs and our magazines?” And, he hands me a Watch Tower mag.
Me..”Why, yes I am. Actually, my sister was a JW before she passed away a few years ago.”
JW…”I’m sorry to hear that. What did she share with you”?
Me…”She said that she laughed her butt off at all the people knocking themselves out Christmas shopping. She said that, being a JW and not celebrating Christ’s birthday, she got some killer sales the day after Christmas. She got twice as much stuff for half as much money.”
JW….”clear his throat”…..”Oh! I meant about our fundamental beliefs about God.”
Me…”Oh! Well, actually we agreed to not discuss our differences in beliefs”.
JW…”And, what is your belief?:
Me…”I believe that God loves everyone. And, I love everyone, too. I love Jewish people, Muslims, Catholics, Protestants and everybody except corrupt government people. Why, I LOVE you! Do you love me?”
JW….(somewhat flustered)….”Yes, I love you.”
Me…”.well, then would you mind helping me set up my Christmas tree?”
JW…”We don’t celebrate Christmas. You said that you knew that.”
Me…”Well, that doesn’t mean that I don’t celebrate Christmas. Don’t you believe in helping other people?”
JW…”Of course, we believe in helping others but we can not take part in what we consider a pagan holiday.”
Me…”Well, can’t you just think of it as helping a lady put up a big, live plant in her house that she puts lots of lights on to battle SAD (seasonal affective disorder)?
JW…”I think we have kept you out in the cold long enough. So, we will be on our way.”
Me…”Awww, come on. Let’s put up the tree and then I’ll fix us some Rudolph The Red Nose Reindeer slow gin fizzes. It would warm you up for going door to door in the cold.”
JW…”No, thank you. We must be on our way. We have a lot of territory to cover today.”
Me….”What if I turn on the DVR and let you watch my recorded show of The Most Hated Family in America. It’s a great documentary about the God Hates Fags church.”
JW….(headed down the porch steps)….”It was nice talking to you. Have a good day!’
Me…”come back…come back….you can help me wrap presents!”
JW…waves from the protection of his car and leaves.
Gosh…that was fun!!!!!
I’m so glad you’re back! I found you almost exactly a year ago while googling “Trailer Park Christmas Decorations” and read your whole blog over the course of a week (because I’m weirdly obsessive like that). Then I subscribed to your RSS feed. You crack me up!
Somehow we got on a list of the shunned with our local JW’s. They hit every house in the neighborhood but ours now. I wish I knew what I did! It must’ve been awful!
If you’ve been shunned by the JW’s…..you must be a very bad girl. Maybe, you’ll luck out and the Amish will start going door to door
Thanks for the compliments on my blog. I seriously thought that no one was reading it anymore!
“Why, I LOVE you! Do you love me?” I love it how the JW suddenly change after this point. Usually I struggle to get them to leave!
I’ll have to use this next time they come a knocking.
I wish that after he stuttered around and finally said, “yes”, I would have asked, “But how MUCH do you love me?”
Now you know that I am one of your avid readers…….. when there is something to read!! HINT! I don’t get many door knockers anymore, I think they have all been warned!! See, I have an glass storm door and 2 yappy dogs. If you ring the bell I’ll open the main door but you are not getting thru the storm door and the yappy dogs! I’ll stand there and ask “what”, “what”, “I can’t hear you” until they go away!! Never thought about talking them into doing stuff, my house needs dusting real bad ……………
When you ask them to dust, you need to do what I DIDN’T do….tell them it’s their Christian duty to help others~