This summer has been a very busy one. I haven’t been on a vacation yet but I definitely need at least 2 weeks on a tropical island. This post is being written while my brain is in a very manic stage…..thoughts all over the place. So, don’t be surprised when I jump from one thing to the next. Regular readers have come to expect that, anyway. A good blogger would jot down stuff and write about it in a proper manner one subject at a time. But, when my head gets crowded with too much crap, I gotta let it out immediately…..kinda like that oil flowing in the Gulf. And, like BP (only without all the money, heartache, bullshit, and lies), trying to stop the flow has not been successful. Or, puking….when ya gotta vomit bile crap up, ya just can’t wait until you got in all nice and tidy. Some of my thoughts are like throwing up…stinky and unpleasant and gotta come out immediately. So, buckle yourself in and get ready for another TPB All Nonsense All The Time Roller Coaster Ride…..and don’t forget to throw your hands in the air at the thrilling/scary parts!
TPKen’s crazy driving….TPK is driving crazy these days. He downright scares the shit out of me, sometimes. For instance….last week, we were going out to eat. Ken has developed a rather annoying (and downright dangerous) habit of pulling his big-ass Tahoe-pimpmobile halfway out into the road where he then stops and looks both ways for traffic. Holy crap…we’re already sitting in the middle of the damn road so why bother to check for oncoming traffic. I say, “JUST GO! GET OUT OF THE DAMN WAY!”. On this day, the visibility of traffic approaching us from up the hill was limited by tree limbs and overgrown shrubbery. Ken slowly (did I mention that he now pulls out at around two and half miles an hr?) pulled out into the road. Just then, a shirtless, helmetless redneck dirt bike rider came flying around the curve. He had to swerve off the road in order to not rear end us. Now listen….I’m just not that in to fisticuffs anymore. I’ve become somewhat laid back about a lot of things these days. I don’t get nearly as pissed off as I use to get. Offing some idiot only crosses my mind once or twice a week these days. But, this little peckerhead turned all the way around and gave us the finger. Instinctively, I grabbed the neck of my Sam’s Choice qt. size Tropical Flavored Water and immediately went into Redneck Woman Warrior mentality. I was ready to lay that bottle upside the head of that little dirt-bike riding shithead. I looked over at TPK and was getting ready to ask him if he had my back when I saw that he was smiling and waving at that little shit. I said, “What the hell? Why are you waving at that guy?” TPK responded, “Because he was waving at us!”. “Well, if he was waving, he was only using one finger.” I told him. Sheeeesh…..
Barbie’s packin’ heat…. and it could get scary.
Yep, I have officially applied for a permit to carry a weapon aka gun. I don’t wanna take a chance of some crackhead whore trying to grab my purse off of my arm in a WalMart parking lot or something. Nope…I fully intend to protect my valuables and my own ass if accosted. It’s a cold world out there these days and it’s them or me. I fully intend to make sure that it’s ME.
In order to apply for the permit, I had to take a 5 hr course handgun safety and handling. The instructor reminded me of Sgt Carter on the old Gomer Pyle show. His instructions and demonstrations were peppered with good redneck advice such as……”If you pull your gun out, ya better be ready to kill that commie bastard.” Did I mention that he had served in the military during 3 wars? He would show us how to do something and if we didn’t do it fast enough, he’d get in our faces and holler, “You’re too slow. You’re dead. Dead! Did ya hear me? DEAD! Now, work on loading/shooting and get faster! Cause, if ya don’t….you’ll be DEAD!”
So, I’ve been practicing loading and aiming my Smith and Wesson because I don’t want to be dead.
Now, here’s what the title is alluding to…..remember “Ima Sult”, the “family member” that I wrote about a few posts back. Let me refresh your memory. Ima is not her real name. “Ima Sult” comes from her horrible misspellings in a post on FB. In the post, she was trying to appear all bad-assed and threatening some other girl. She called the girl a “sult” which I’m pretty sure was suppose to be “slut”. And, she started her sentences with, “Ima” instead of “I am”….hence, the nickname…Ima Sult.
Well, Ima is playing a new game now. It’s called “Ima Damn Lying Skank and will lie and steal to get what I want.”
Here’s some samples of Ima’s latest postings….