My last post was just a post about my intentions to post when I have the time….sorta like The Seinfeld Show, a show about nothing except that was a post about nothing. Well, I still don’t really have the time but I need to do something enjoyable today. It’s been a rough month…this June is one for the record books of my future autobiography. Which, by the way, I am still undecided as to what the title will be just yet. Maybe, She Who Writes In Broken Sentences and Cannot Stay On Topic?
I wanted to cover several things in this post. If I did that, this post would turn into a novella/short story/War and Peace. However, my new friend fakename2 took a poll and swayed me as to what the subject matter would include. Who was polled? I’m sure that it was people from all over this big world because fakename2 has a great blog and you should check it out.
So, here we go….with no guarantee that I will stay on topic (par for the course in this blog).
My First Friday Night Boogerwoods Howl At The Moon/Dance Your Cares Away Event……
Life has been sucking lately. Serious suckage! Just one bad, crappy thing after another. Oral surgery, urinary tract infection, colonoscopy, illnesses in family, and big-ass ants invasion. I needed some relief! I bought some “herbal medicine” (wink, wink) from a trusted source and thought that would help. Uh uh…must have been laced with a “non-herbal” medicine because it just made me puke my brains out. Then, I decided to become a heavy drinker which didn’t work out so well either. Upon hearing about a terminal illness in someone very close to me, I decided that life is too short….to not dance. I went around for a week or so breaking into spontaneous dance whenever I felt like doing it. No matter where I was, if I could hear music that moved me to flaying my arms and shaking my moneymaker, I’d do it And, it was fun! I even managed to get a few other people into it…well, at least they tapped their foot. I did this at the dentist office, the post office, the grocery store…..just wherever the mood hit me. I was in the bank one day when I heard a catchy show tune It was that Cabaret song by Liza Minnelli. My arms went to flailing and my hips went to shakin’. I got so in to it that I did that top-hat thing….where you shake the top hat. It turns out that my dancing fever was not catching. Actually, it turns out that I more resembled a retarded mime trying to hold up the bank as a security guard with his hand on his gun came over to me and ask me what I was doing. When I tried to explain that I was dancing the Cabaret dance, he gave me a quizzical, yet stern look and told me to cease and decease as I was scaring the new teller. So,much for trying to spread cheer and happiness with spontaneous public dancing.
So, I devised another plan. As I’ve told y’all, I really do live in The Boogerwoods. My house is on 35 acres with no other dwellings built on it. I have no near neighbors to annoy so I play my music at ear-splitting levels. With music playing, I go outside and dance whenever I feel like dancing. I decided that this should be an event shared by TPSkipper and TPMidge and some of my trailerpark friends. With happy anticipation, I located TPKen’s extension cords (which he tends to hide from me because I have a knack for cutting them into by accident when I use them… somehow…OK, when trimming bushes I tend to mistake the orange cord for the bush…hey it could happen!) and took them, along with my iPod and Bose speakers outside. When the appointed time arrived,I was dismayed to discover that TPKen was going to be here and not gone somewhere as I expected. CRAPOLA! TPKen is not the type to spontaneous dance…or planned dance for that matter. I swear, sometimes living with TPK is like living back at home with my dad. We’re talking about a man whose idea of a great event is to have a fresh Honey Bun and watch the History channel. OK..fine…was not going to let him ruin my dance party. But, then, TPSkipper pulled up with GIJoe in the car. GIJoe is like a TPKen in training. I could see that he was not wearing his happy face, either. DAMN! Why on earth was he coming to the dance? Just then the phone rang and TPMidge’s husband, the Jeff-Gordon-look-a-like called to inform that TPM had been bitten by their cat while she was trying to bathe it. I figure the cat was just waiting for the chance to get back at her for trying to shave it. She managed to get the top of the cat and the cat’s tail shaved before it got loose. I can’t blame that cat since it’s tail looked like a long black pipe cleaner when she was done. Good thing that one of her neighbors is a doctor and took a look at the bite. Sore but in some pain, TPMidge was still coming! What a trooper!!!!
Finally, all the girls were here and ready to shake their groove things. And, off to the side were TPKen, G.I. Joe, and another guy glaring at us like we were about to break out into a gang fight…The Bloods vs The Crypts…or in this case…The Dancers Vs The Losers…..sort of a redneck, white trash West Side Story with the Jets Vs The Sharks. I was afraid that this would put a damper on the hip-shaking, leg-kicking, and head bobbing good time that I had planned. Staring each other in the eyes, the Dancers began the attack on The Losers. Like snake charmers, we began to hypnotize and mesmerize The Losers. I could see the fear starting to appear in their eyes and the smell of defeat was in the air was so sweet.
I’m not sure if the thought that they might be forced into the middle of the dancing or the fact that we looked like Wild Zulu Women Warriors did it but, the Losers backed down. Yeah for The Dancers! The music played loudly and The Dancers let loose of all inhibitions! That ever-entertaining TPSkipper danced so hard that the strap on her bra broke and she damn near killed a deer in the field by boobicide. The Pussy Cat Dolls had nothing on this bunch of wild women. We popped, grinded, kicked, punched, and hoochie mama danced like the best of them. (Eat that, Lady GaGa and Miley Cyrus).
So, even though it got off to a slow start, the Friday Night Boogerwoods Dance Your Cares Away/Howl at The Moon was a success. We got requests from FB friends and others for notifications of future dances. And..yes, we did actually howl at the moon and it felt fandamntastic!
Goodness…this has turned into a long post! So, fakename2, I’ll take a break and come back later and write about the subjects that you requested. If you stick around here long enough, you’ll find out that this is an uncontollable pattern with me. I am ADD, afterall, and…..hey, looky, there is some turkeys in the field!
Still to come:
.Swimming with midgets
The turd in WalMart
The clerk who took half of my damn strawberry pound cake
And trying to hide from Trailerpark Ken the fact that I switched from Verizon to Suddenlink (had to figure out a way to hide a big-ass cable).
Bugs in the motel