Yeah, I'm A Loser...So What?

Beck………..

“soy un perdedor
i’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me
(get crazy with the cheese wiz)
soy un perdedor
i’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me
(drive by body pierce)”

Yep, I am a loooooser…..such a loser that I need to make the “L” sign on my forehead. Brandished like the Scarlet Letter woman only with a “L” instead of an “A”.

I have been doing some real loser things this week. Suddenly, it hit me today, that if I am doing loser things, I must be a LOSER!

Oh, I know, I know. Y’all are thinking, “No friggin’ way. TPB is not a loser. She’s hip. She’s hot…not just hot…but HAWT. She’s The Dali Mama…almost godlike.” OK…I went too far with the last one..or two. But, dammit, even us cool kids have our uncool moments. Right? Actually, I think the post office boy in his Fruit of the Looms and cowboys boots  has jinxed me somehow. I’ve spent so much time obsessively trying to stalk him, that…well what can I say? Maybe, he hexed me…put some kind of spell on me. So, here I am, all alone without even any good snacks or beers. Of course, this is due to my loser status because I can’t get motivated to …well…even move!

So before y’all start shouting, “No, no, no….TPB is NOT a loser”, let me tell you the loser things that I have done in the last week.

 I have given much thought as to what to do to take care of my boredom in the evenings. I almost cringe when I say this….but I am tired of shopping. It’s just not given me a thrill or a challenge any longer. Plus, my house was going to end up on TLC’s Hoarders if I didn’t stop. So here are what I have been substituting for my frequent shopping sprees.

1. I have decided to take up drinking wine. Wine is acceptable in society. Everyone drinks wine. I got the beer down pat but needed some help with wine. So, I went to Kroger’s. I had to pick up some grub anyway so I thought I’d kill 2 birds with one stone. Kroger’s sure has a lot of different wines. I picked up several bottles and put them back because I know nothing about wine…like what is good/bad/etc. I needed help. I spotted a clerk and called him over. He asked me for what type of wine was I wanting. Hell, I didn’t know. Why would I be asking a clerk in the grocery store if I knew what kind of wine I wanted? That’s what I wanted to say to him but instead, I said, “Well, I would like to take up drinking so I would like a nice beginner’s wine.”

Well, this threw him off but he did try to help me. Then he spotted another clerk who supposedly knew more about wine. This wine-expert suggested a nice BOX OF WINE. Now, as I said, I don’t know wine but I do know that I have an acquaintance who buys 2 boxes of wine every first of the month when she gets her govt check. I had a pretty fair idea that box wine was not what I wanted. Luckily, according to the two clerks that were trying to help me, there turned out to be somewhat of a wine expert working in the meat department. Whaddy know…a wine expert working back there with the chicken livers, salt pork, and hamburger! One clerk went to fetch him. So, he comes over and says, “What kind of wine would you like?”  Once again, I said, “I want a beginning wine. Then I’ll work up to intermediate wine. Then on to full fledge wino. That’s what I want. So, where Step 1 wine?” He pulled a bottle off of the shelf and said that a lot of people who don’t drink much drank that wine. It was supposed to taste like grape soda with a tad of alcohol after-taste. So, I bought it.

Then, I decided to get silly the other night and take a picture of me/my dummy head looking like (I) my dummy head was passed out. I had the wine bottle in front of me (my dummy head).

I posted this on Facebook and in the post before this one. I thought people would make funny comments. And, some did….BUT….then I started getting comments like this….

“why are you drinking passover wine”

“are you kosher”

“well, at least you’re kosher”

“didn’t know you were Jewish”

and….”is that REAL wine“

Turns out that I had bought a wine that is apparently used for religious sacraments or something. And, the shit doesn’t even taste good either! However, I did get an urge to curl my hair tightly at the sides of my face and wear a yarmulke and sing “Poppa Can You Hear Me” from that awful Streisand movie, “Yentl”.

edited to add….I got this in my email after I posted this….

Wine does not make you fat. It makes you LEAN….

against tables, chairs, walls, floors, and ugly people.

2. Someone unfriended me on Facebook! Now, this was not just anyone. This was someone who married into my family over 20 years ago. They got divorced recently. Since her behavior had become somewhat looney, I would occasionally check in and see what she was writing about. Then, things started getting good and heating up. I won’t go into detail and describe her, blah, blah, blah. I will tell you that what that girl was posting on Facebook was a totally different girl than I (or anyone else) had known in the past 20 yrs.  This very obese , mousey, meek person had turned into a real party girl. And, being the loser that I am, I just had to be nosey and read it ALL! When things started getting juicy, the biotch unfriended me. Now, I figured that she didn’t want any of the family know about her naughty little thoughts about the cable man, or picking up a guy in a bar. And, she either figured out how to block me or someone showed her how. Probably the latter since she’s not that smart. OK…I don’t know about y’all but the minute that I find out that somebody doesn’t want me to see what they are posting, well, I’m hell-bent to find out what it is. So, in true loser character, I spent literally hours trying to figure out who I could designate as our mutual friend.  I finally found a guy that I think is pretty cool, anyway, and immediately went about friended him. HAHAHHA….so now I’m back to getting my fix of reading her stupid posts which looks like they were written by a horny 13 year old. Yes, that’s loser behavior, alright. But, I must admit that I take a little satisfaction as well as pleasure in being able to read her posts while she thinks that I’m blocked!

PS…This was not nearly as hurtful as when I was unfrieded by Stedman Graham…Oprah’s BF. I spent an extensive amount of time trying to get some faux-celebs to be my friends so I could impress my other mundane friends. Stedman accepted my friend request and then turned around and unfriended me two weeks later. Stedman’s FB page is full of serious stuff about his consulting firm, business, guest speaking engagements and the like.  Who would have thought that he’d turn his back on me when I asked him to speak to the local meth clinic about drugs that he’d get his panties in such a wad? Sheesh…I thought he was my friend.

3. TPKen has a daughter by his first marriage. They have not been close for a long time. The only time that she ever comes around is when she wants….NO SURPRISE….MONEY! She has a teenage daughter who we use to see when she was little but then they moved out of state. A few years ago, I got word that the girl was leaving with this skanky thug right out the road from me. After doing a few drive-by lookins’, I realized that she was living there. She never even one time walked the short distance to our house to see us. And, to make matters worse, her friggin’ thug boyfriend and  a co-hort broke into our home and stole a lot of stuff worth mucho money! Real winners, let me tell ya! Well, recently, for reasons unknown just yet (hint hint $$$$$), the daughter and grand-daughter have decided to have a relationship aka $$$ with TPKen. They contacted him and set up a lunch date. I was invited but, sheeyet, I’m like this…once bitten twice shy….once robbed….twice loaded guns….and so forth. So, I turned the invite down. In the meantime, I was seriously hoping that this would turn out to be a real relationship based on love..not $$$$. HOWEVER, I hold to the saying, “Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer”. And being the whiz of computer snooping, I did a little digging. All this time, I am hearing about how quiet and sweet the g-daughter has become. Here’s what I found on her MySpace…

apparently she is not all that sweet, cause this is her actual words….

“stupid bitches take MY poems off my blog and post it (brittany pritchet) fucking whore. ima fuck you up slut! come get it”

hmmm…..very intriguing…so I looked at some more…..unfortunately, the rest of the post are so x-rated that I won’t even post them here.

So, I’m a big ol’ loser…..drinking passover wine and getting my kicks by being nosey! I sure wish I could find the underpants-wearing little nasty mouth cowboy so I could get him to take this hex off of me.

“gottalay go fuckin’ cops watchn cellsgood ring me”

Oh great! She wants to “fuck somebody up” and the cops are watching here. Do I tell TPKen? HELL NO! I ain’t getting in the middle of this one.

edited to add the latest in literary classics….”relaxing and doing my hubby all day llonnng“  Uh…doing what to her “hubby”. And, don’t ya have to be married to have a “hubby”? That word, “llonng” reminds me of the word llama for some reason. Just sayin’

and…”my sainty is missing..if you see it please send it my way“  Now, did she mean “sanity”, “saintly”, “Santa” ?

So, there you have it. I’m an admitted loser….drinking passover wine and snooping on people. I gotta find that little pantie-wearing cowpoke at the post office and get this hex taken off of me!

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