I have a friend who is undergoing radical changes. I think that she may have contracted a case of “crazy”.
She has always been a very down to earth person. She likes to garden, quilt, read, and do other normal activities. Well, at least, she did. Until recently. Now, I’m beginning to think that she has multiple personalities that would shame even Sybil. Although, she is not (yet) walking around in a frenzy and saying “the people, the people, the people”, she has announced something that is just as jarring……she says that she has three spirits hanging around her.
Let me describe what happened today that brings me to the conclusion that she has bought a one-way ticket to Nutsville.
She left two weeks ago to go on a trip to Chicago to visit relatives. She is a brave woman and drove from here in the Boogerwoods stright thru to Chicago all by herself. I’m left wondering if maybe, she stopped at a road-side diner that served Kukoo for dinner or something. When she left, she had already begun to ramble on about Feng Shui and how taking a sledge hammer to my living room wall would free me from sadness/the blues/constipation, etc.
Apparently, she thinks that my creativity is being blocked by the wall which is slowing the flow of my karma or some shit like that. We had an intense conversation about that with me arguing that the wall was not blocking my creativity but, was instead blocking the UPS man from being able to see my ta-tas when I run around my house shirtless.
When she left, she was just a regular type woman. Nothing strange. No standing out in the crowd. But, when she came back…..YIKES! She is like a cross between a flower selling airport-dwelling Hare Khrisna and the psychic, Sylvia Brown.
Here’s what happened…..today, we were sitting outside in TrailerparkSkipper’s yard and she commenced to tell me about getting together with her two sisters. She proceeded to explain that they have discoverd that all three sisters have some kind of freaky paranormal gifts. One can diagnose illnesses just by putting her outstretched hands on your aurora/personal space. One had some kind of other nutty talent that has some kind of connection to reflexology, and my friend has discovered that she has THREE SPIRITS hanging around her.
Now, I’ll be the first to admit that I am a skeptic. The only thing that I can remember from my poor white-trash education is this….SPIRITS = GHOSTS! And, I don’t want nothing to do with NO GHOSTS!
But, not wanting her hurt her crazy-ass feelings, I politely asked, “So, what’s their names?”
She answered that she did not know their names.
So, I asked, “How do you know they are guys? Can you see their pee-pees?”
She was started to getting a little perturbed and answered, “No! I just know it.”
“OK”, I replied, “but how do you know they are not evil spirits?”
She answered, “Because I am about love, harmony, truth, compassion, and all good things.”
I was getting a little fidgety. I mean, afterall, how many times in your life are you made aware that three male spiritual beings are floating around and the only thing between you and them is a nutty, coffee drinking woman? So, trying to lighten up things a little, I said, “Hey, that makes you like a Super Hero or something. Can I be your side kick? I can rock a mean spandex outfit!”
She didn’t think that was funny. She quickly got up from the lawn chair and started across the yard to her house. I was just hoping like everything that her three ghosts went with her. I was, also, praying that they didn’t follow me home to scare the living daylights out of me tonight.
I’m just hoping that the next time I go see her, there won’t be something weird like naked men eating grass in her yard or anything!
AND, hope Moe, Larry, and Curley (the 3 spirits have a sense of humor! Or, at least a bad sense of direction.
Hey, maybe, there are the Ghosts of Past, Present, and Future! I’ll have to remember to mention that to her!