If you’re like me, you’ve just got too many darn people on your Christmas list. With the economy in the toilet, who can afford those fancy department store presents?
So, once again, I have toiled til the wee hours in front of my computer to help you to be able to make wonderfully delightful Christmas gifts for all on your list. I’ve strived my hardest to cover everyone from Grandma to the postman. Here goes….2009 White Trash/Homemade/Cheap Christmas Gifts Part One….
There is always at least one female with FPF ( floppy poontang flaps) for which to buy a gift on my list (or yours). Maybe, it’s Vera whose name you drew at the office. Or, maybe, LuElla, your best friend since first grade. And, if like me, you have checked the price of vaginal re-molding and tucking, you know that it’s simply too expensive to give. I did my research, though, so you don’t have to spend countless hours trying to find a Mexican clinic with a guy who claims to be Doctor Juan A. Titerjajay. Instead, I present to you…..
Femtone vaginal weights tone pelvic floor muscles to protect against incontinence, and can increase the strength of your orgasms! These vaginal “barbells” are the perfect product for kegel exercises. Get this hard-to-find kegal exerciser at ShopInPrivate.com.
But, hold the phone, Nelly…it gets better…..
No need to shell out $124.99! No! No! No! You can make your own for less than a fraction of that cost! I made my own and YOU can, too. Simply, go to a Tru-Valu Hardware store and you will find a gazillion hardware items in varying weights to substitute for the store-bought 5 cones. Just to give you an idea, here are the items that I purchased.
gravel stones….these come in varying shapes and sizes
windchimes….so many assorted to pick from! (optional)
bolts….every size, shape, and weight that you can think of are available
cheesecloth (you can use velvet for that special feel but you will have to go somewhere other than the hardware store)
blank video /dvd/cd
Start with some small gravel. You might want to use a kitchen scale to weigh these. Or, take them to your local post office where they will weigh anything. This could be a slight bit tricky unless you are very, very, very good friends with the recipient of the gift since you will have to use your own judgement as to weight and size of the gravel “needed” to be effective.
Cut a piece of cheesecloth (or velvet). Then, wrap the chosen gravel in the material and tie with a Ziplock Sandwich tie. Be thoughtful and cut off the excess tie. Those things could cause some poonana scratches and we don’t want that. Lawsuits are rampant in these hard times. Who wants to lose the farm because of “an internal scratch”?
Next, choose some bolts that are heavy but small enough to wrap in cheesecloth (or velvet!). Use the above instructions about cheesecloth/velvet/Ziplock ties.
Once again, I must remind you that this is a very personalized gift and it is your duty to know approximately the size of bolts or gravel that your gift recipient will require.
Optional windchimes……I found these to make a delightful and soothing sound. Pick a windchime and simply cut off however many you choose. These should be wrapped up with the bolts. Your floppy flapped friend/relative/neighbor/co-worker will remember your thoughtfullness everytime that she uses these!
Last step….insert blank dvd/cd/video into camera or camcorder. Insert homemade vaginal weights into your own “friend”. Turn on recorder. WARNING: It is important that you use the zoom lens. Otherwise, your face/boobs/butt/etc. will be eternally recorded on your dvd/cd/video and may become as well-known as Carrie Prejean’s. Now….kegel to you just can’t kegel no more.
WARNING: THIS IS NOT RECOMMENDED FOR ANYONE WHO SUFFERS FROM INCONTINENCE. KEEP ALL ELECTRICAL APPLIANCES AWAY FROM WET SURFACES. NOT FOR CHILDREN. NOT FOR RESALE. NOT ADVISED FOR ANYONE SUFFERING FROM MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER, BIPOLAR DISORDER, MAJOR DEPRESSION DISORDER, SEASONAL AFFECTIVE DISORDER, DEPERSONALIZATION DISORDER, OR THE VERY OBESE.
Small print stuff….TPB does not assume any responsiblity for injury to body or reputation while using this product.