I dream of  it. I picture it in my mind. I talk about it. Now, I’m writing about it.

I want to go into hiding……..

The problem with me hiding, though, is that with my luck, I’d hit my head on something while scampering to hide. I’d get a concussion and be unconscious for a long period of time. I would then go into a coma.  No one would be able to locate me up here in the Boogerwoods until the smell of my decaying body would draw wild critters to feast.

I’d better think up another plan. Like running away to the rain forest and intergrating with the gorillas in the mist or something.

I have (as usual) gotten behind on a lot of stuff. I need to be working on taxes right now instead of writing a post. But, my stress level is on RED ALERT!  I need a break and writing provides relief.

I woke up with a horrible case of diarreah which is slowing me down (yet making me really fastat the same time if you get my drift). In between bathroom trips,  I have managed to balance the business account, pay business bills, run the sweeper (half-heartedly), mop, (also, half heartedly), and wrap up 7 packages of eBay items for mailing. I’m hoping that this little pause will refresh me enough to go to the post office and mail them.

Between the 3rd or 4th bathroom run this morning, I was in my kitchen throwing a roast and potatoes in the crock pot when movement outside the window caught my eye. A strange car was pulling up in the driveway. Since I live on a dead-end road that’s really off the beaten path, I don’t get many unexpected visitors. As I watched, a very elderly man and an ancient-looking frail woman got out of the car and came up the walk. These two were so old that I was afraid that climbing the steps to the porch would prove too much for them.  I hurried to the door but just as I was a few feet away, my stomach starting churning which meant I could either open the door with dookey pants or leave them standing and run for the toilet. The first option was not very desirable so I took off at warped speed to the bathroom.

So, there I was……..sitting on the toilet with painful stomach cramps while two people who might have succumbed to old age/and,or/heart attacks/strokes, etc. began to bang on my door. They were banging on my door because TPKen has put “installing doorbell” very low on his list of finishing this damn house priorities. I think that it’s right below finishing the stairway that sets right smack dab in the middle of the living room. Hold on….

“takes deep breath and counts to 1 million”

Not gonna write or think anymore about all the unfinished house stuff right now. If I do, my head will explode. I’ll return to what I was writng about. Wait…..

“takes another deep breath and counts to 1 billion. does primal scream and kicks the garbage can”

No, I simply will not give in to dwelling on all of the unfinished shit here. After FIVE YEARS. Excuse me one more time……

“gulps down an Ativan with a drink of Jack Daniels, straight from the bottle”

There….I’m all better now. Back to the trots and the old people.

BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM!   To my surprise, those old people sure had some hard, loud knocking skills. I’m trying to hurry up with my bidnezz. I really wanted to know who they were and what they wanted. Finally, my tummy has ceased it’s seizures and unearthly growling. I hurried out of the bathroom, not even taking the time to wash my hands. I rushed to the door, swung it open, and

dammit…..I saw the back of their car as it was leaving. I, also, saw a paper that they had left sticking out from under the welcome mat. It was a WatchTower. I had been the victim of a Jehovah’s Witnesses drive-by.

No, I’m not going to bash Jehovah’s Witnesses. I am somewhat in awe of anybody who goes door-to-door these days for any reason. It’s neither here nor there whether I believe what they believe. If a person is so old and frail that I am afraid that they will not make it up my steps and has the dedication to their beliefs that these people obviously did, I say, “Good for them!”.  To be truthful, though, I would have been kind but sent them on their way in a few short minutes.

I wonder if it’s true that JW will not knock at your door if you display an American flag. I just now remembered that I had heard that somewhere. If it is true, why would the American flag stop them? Maybe, it’s like a vampire and garlic. Would it cause them to fall down and burn up, leaving a smear of charred matter? If any of you know the answer to this, I’d like to know. I guess I could check it out on UrbanLegends  or Snopes. 

When TPSkipper and TPMidge were really young, there was an older lady from the Jehovah’s Witnesses who came to my house frequently. Her name was LuLu and she was an interesting lady. She would sit for a while and talk about all kinds of stuff. My girl’s loved it when she came. LuLuwas exceptionally happy with her set of false teeth. She would tell us all about when she got them, where she got them, the cost of them, and anything else you could possibly think of about false teeth. She would even take them out so that we could  admire every single bit of them. LuLu suddenly stopped showing up. I watched the obits in the paper for her name. Yes, it was a morbid thing to do but I wondered what happened to her. Never did find out.

Ok…I’m bout done. Got a lot more to do today. I feel a tiny bit better. I might even tackle opening up our IRA statement. I’m not one that gets scared easily but these statements have been the things of which nightmares are made. I like to know what’s going on and go ahead and tackle problems head on but lately, (I’m ashamed to admit), I leave the statements on the kitchen counter for days before I’m brave enough to open it. Since we own a small business. we are responsible for our own retirement funds. We’ve lost over half of our money in the last few months. If we lose any more, I’m gonna have to take drastic actions and take up begging on the street corner. Seriously.

Today has been hectic to say the least.

I took a minute to make a wish. I wished for a less busy life…….

Not saying that all guys don’t help…..JUST MINE!

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again. In the event that TPKen and I were no longer married, I would scour the lesbian ads. Not being a lesbian presents a small problem but I’ve figured that out. I would post on eHarmony that I am looking for a frigid lesbian who has no desire for sexual activity. I wouldn’t mind having a wife! Better yet, I’d be on the lookout for a frigid, older woman with money. Who says that I don’t have a dream?

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