Yesterday was just plum bad. That’s what my Mama use to say….”plum bad”.

“He’s just plum bad. Nuthin’ good ’bout him.”

When she said that, it meant that we needed to steer clear of that person or we’d meet with no good.

Yesterday was just plum bad. From the get go. I woke up with tears streaming down my face. I had a sad dream but could only remember bits and pieces of it. Somebody was missing. But, the somebody kept changing. The last that I remember of the dream was this…

“I’m creeping across the floor to peek out a window. And, to me relief, the somebody who was missing in this section of the dream had been found. This somebody was my first boyfriend who died from cancer 2 years ago. He was standing outside the window and waving at me and smiling with his twinkling eyes. I’ve always had a thing for twinkling eyes. Twinkling eyes are seem to be promising something good.. Really weird…..

I woke up stiff all over, too. It was like I had been turning around to look behind me while running. Those were the muscles that were stiff…neck, waist, and hips.

After reading blogs and posting comments for a while, I managed to finally get showered and out the door. I needed desperately to go grocery shopping. I hate grocery shopping. TPKen is not the voracious eater that he once was. Most elaborte dishes go unappreciated so I stick to Hamburger Helper, chili, spaghetti, and other simple meals. I mean….why would I continue to waste time and money cooking anything that takes more than 15 minutes? I love cooking for people who like to eat and can appreciate the effort of a good, homecooked meal that takes hours to make. I hate cooking for a person who doesn’t care if it’s a Spamloaf or lobster. So, grocery shopping is no fun for me except when I use coupons. But, that’’s no longer good entertainment, either. It’s more like a chore. As y’all know, though, I am so friggin’ OCD about some things, it’s pathetic.

The night before, I made myself grab the telephone book size stack of coupon inserts that I had been saving from the newspapers. I have progressed a little with the obession of coupons. I use to cut EVERY SINGLE COUPON out of the inserts and magazines. It didn’t matter whether it was something that we used. The only thing that mattered was the possibility of getting something free. FREEFREEEFREEFREEE was like a drug for me.That was until one day, I looked in my bathroom closet and among the rows and rows of shampoos, lotions, conditioners, soaps, etc. I spotted 6 KY Jelly Sets of warming lotion and lubricating lotion. That’s when I realized that I was spending a large chunck of time cutting coupons, going shopping, running up and down the aisles in search of a product that I had a coupon for, and pushing a buggy full of shit to the register. Shit of which I only needed about 60%. Then, once I got home, I had to put away the groceries AND all of the shit that I didn’t need/want/had no place to put.

That was my day of reckoning….THE DAY OF KY JELLY SHOCK!

I’ve gotten better with small baby steps. I started cutting only coupons for products that either my household, TPSkipper’s and TPMidge’s households, or any friend/family households regularly used.

I soon had to take another couple of baby steps when I realized that I had not cut back much at all. So, I determined to cut back to only TPSkipper, TPMidge, and my households. This didn’t work very well, either. TPSkipper and TPMidge either didn’t want to drag the stuff (that I was positively sure they needed) home. They said that they would just use it when they were at my house. Well, OK…I thought. But, just how many visits would they have to make at a certain time of month to use up the industrial size box of mini-pads that I bought on clearance with a coupon which equalled almost free?  And, in the meantime, I had to find somewhere else to keep all of the shampoos, lotions, washes, etc. because that damn industrial size box took up all my space in the closet.  And, TPS got a little snippy one day when I suggested that she use some of the min-pads.

“Mom…stop it! I’m not even having my period right now!”….said TPS.

So, I suggested that she put a few in her purse for unexpected visits from Aunt Flo or a sudden nasty yeast infection. Of course, I was hollering this at her back as she got in her car to leave. I didn’t here her answer but I think the vigorous shaking of her head and mouthing “You Are Nuts” at me made me realize that she did not want them. So, Goodwill became the recepient of a gigantic box of minipads. Also, 23 Right Guard solids (TPK only uses spray). However, I couldn’t bear to part with my many, many (I’ve lost count) different razors that I got with coupons for free. The fact is that TPK and myself only use Gillette Good News Disposables. Still, some hairy guy might come by and need to shave and it would be just terrible if I didn’t have a Titanium razor that needs refills to offer him to use.

On Wednesday night, I pulled out all of those coupon inserts, got my scissors, and sat down to clip. But, my heart was just not in it. A crazy thought came into my head….DID IDARE GO SHOPPING WITHOUT COUPONS? COULD I BE THAT BRAVE? Naaawh….but I resigned myself to only cutting the coupons for stuff that we actually use. This was a liberating action. But, there were so many inserts of coupons that I got that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that I get when I think about paying full price. I had neglected cutting coupons for so long and I dreaded it.

SO, I DIDN”T! “You can do it!”, I told myself.

Yesterday, I left my house with coupons that had already been cut. Not strong enough yet to go coupon naked. I’m trying to get there.

Before going to the grocery store, I was obsessed with going to that local dept. store that I talk about where I get great name brand stuff on clearance for a buck or two. You know the store….where The Ladies Man bought those hearsty red boxers. I can wander around in that store for hours and hours. And, I did. Shit! Once again, I lost track of time. I just enjoy finding the real bargains so much that I think of it as therapy. Much cheaper than paying an actual therapist. I don’t take my cellphone in so I feel free of demands from family or the outside world. I had been buying lots and lots and lots of bags full of stuff on clearance there. I had been putting a lot of it on eBay. But,now, along with the rest of the economy, eBay is in the toilet. Nothing is selling. If you need anything, this would be a great time to shop on eBay. I still have boxes full of stuff that has not been exiled to the garage by TPKen. He thinks that if I don’t see it, I’ll forget about it, and he can get rid of it. WRONG! I know that it’s there.

Yesterday was a little different. I did buy 4 bags of stuff. Most of it was stuff that TPKen or I could actually use. I have to admit, though, that I did throw in a few items for eBay (just in case the economy picks up and size 3XL women or 2XL men want to spend their stimulus money on clothes). Right now, though, as I type, I am looking at a bunch of crap that I need to put away somewhere. Those big clothing items take up room!

 I had spent way too much time wandering the clearance aisles. It was getting late and I still had to go to the grocery store. So, with coupons in hand,I went to Kroger’s. I tried to hurry. At first, I had strong impusles to use my coupons. The first three aisles went really slow as I was trying to match the coupon, number of items needed for coupon, and size of item required by coupon. Somewhere between Quaker Oats and cottage cheese, a voice inside of my head said, “FUCK THIS!”.  I tried to ignore it but while looking at baby wipes (I don’t have a baby but those suckers are great to clean bathrooms), the voice said, “You are wasting your life doing this crap! Lay the coupons down and step away from them real easy-like”. The voice sounded like Dirty Harry. Dirty Harry means business so…

I broke and ran!  Being afraid that Harry was going to follow me, I hid my coupons underneath the stuff in my buggy. This turned out to be a good thing. I no longer was looking thru the coupons BUT I knew they were safe in the buggy.

I went through the next several aisles as if my ass were on fire. Checked out. Saved a few bucks with coupons. Wanted to punch myself for paying full price for an item when I knew darn well that there was a coupon laying under the 5lb bag of onions in my buggy.

While I was loading my groceries in my car, I cursed myself. Then, I congratulated myself. Then, I cursed myself some more. Then, I congratulated myself while cursing.

Although, this story might be funny, obsessions and hoarding are serious problems. And, they don’t evaporate over night. I’ve got a lot more baby steps to take. This is what I was telling myself when I stepped in a gob of slick mud and fell. I wrote this in one of my comments yesterday. If you read it, bear with me while I repeat it.

I had taken the first armload of groceries in and was heading back to my car for another. Our walk is made of individual stepping stones. TPKen started the project and (SURPRISE SURPRISE! yep, being sarcastic) hasn’t finished it. He is OCD and a real perfectionist. He HAS to do thing in the order that he thinks they need done. This is a good thing as he is an engineer and makes his living being OCD. It is a bad thing when he does not finish a project because he has decided that Step 2, Step 3, etc. HAVE to come next. The trouble with that is his steps make no sense to me. Having said that, we have a beautiful country stone walk…..bordered by inches of gooey mud. His logical thinking has him deciding that whoknowswhat has to be done before grass is planted.

I was almost at my car when I stepped off one of the stones and stuck my foot in 2-3 inches of slick, gooey mud. My foot went sliding and of course, was followed by my leg, butt, etc. I did one of those stupid little gymnastic-like moves trying to right myself before I hit the ground. It seemed like a went into slo-mo and could see myself. I almostgot myself upright. ALMOST. My blanance was a tad bit off and down I went.  Somehow, I slid about a foot in that damn mud. My knees hit gravel. The right side of my face hit dirt and gravel. I had slid far enough for my head to bounce off a tree. I was covered completely on one side with mud. I lay there for a minute and cursed the universe (mostly TPKen).

Finally, I slowly dragged myself up with the help of loose bark on the tree. I had the air knocked out of me. I bent over, held onto the tree, and gasped for air.

And that is how TPKen found me when he drove up less than a minute later.

“What’cha doing?” he asked.

“Tryin’ to figure how big the roots are on this tree, dumbass! What does it look like, Einstein? I fell”……I said using his pet names.

For Heaven’s sake, I was covered in mud on one side, had gravel on my face, and could barely straighten up!

“Oh…OK. Got any groceries in the back of the car? “he asked.

I won’t risk an X rating of my blog by writing the words that came out of my mouth.

Anyway…..today is a new day. I’m going to WalMart. I’ve got coupons for free stuff!!!!!