I Am The Dali Mama

 

I’ve had the Big Awakening. An incident yesterday morning has transformed me forever. I am now the Dali Mama.

Ya see, it happened like this. Scurrying thru the house (because I was running behind as usual), I hit my little toe on my right foot on the edge of the stairs. I cursed, jumped around, rubbed my toe, and cursed some more. But, being in a hurry did not allow me to have the time to do what I would normally do which is sit down, feel sorry for myself, and bawl like a big-ass baby. Then, the unthinkable happened. I got up off of the sofa and started down the hallway when I hit the same toe on the same spot of the stairs. This time, I stopped right in my tracks, just frozen like a deer in headlights. I heard a loud masculine voice from above. Ann Coulter???? Nah, no way! It couldn’t be…….“Bow before me lowly voter!” the voice said. OMG! It was Ann Coulter!

“Ann Coulter, why are talking to me? And, why do you have such a large Adam’s apple?” I asked.

“SILENCE, MORTAL!!!!! I have come to give you a purpose in life” , she said. “From now on, you will be known as the DALI MAMA!”, Coulter commanded. Either that or she said, “Throw a stone at Barack Obama”. It was hard to tell because I was waaaay too focused on the white hot pain shooting from my toe into my foot and moving it’s way up my leg.

“Did you say something about Obama or Mama?” I asked. But, she had already left to head to the DNC.

Mama? Obama? Obama-mama? Mama-obmama?

Well, the only thing that I can do is try one and if that doesn’t work, do the other. And, since, throwing rocks at Obama could get me some slammer time, I’ll do the Dali Mama first.

So, I am here to answer your questions about life, Scary Spice, Big Foot hoax, the ingredients of  head-cheese (lunch meat), etc.

To get things started, I will attempt to answer a couple of the most important questions of all time.

 1. What is the meaning of mmmbop?

A.Sometimes it is difficult to see our own potential. It is strange to wonder how we get to the place we are at in life, and why it is us, and not someone else. Mmmbop is what drives one individual to become successful, and one individual to live in their parents’ basement at 35, playing video games, and watching re-runs of Seinfeld. This state of existence is referred to by profound thinks (such as myself, the Dali Mama) as Lllbop, the state that precedes Mmmbop. The individuals who are most at peace with themselves are in the Zzzbop.

Q. Is Chuck Norris human?

A. No. He is SuperHuman with skills bestowed upon him by the ruler of the planet, Kickass.

Q. What makes grey poupon mustard different from regular mustard?

A. It is grey. And, it has poupon in it.

Q.. Who is my baby daddy?

A. I am the Dali Mama. You need Maury Povich.

Q.. What can I do about my husband’s disgusting habit of passing gas at the table during holiday dinners?

A. Let this become your mantra, “I can not change another person’s actions. I can only change my own reactions.” Then, throw a bowl of hot yams at him.

Q. How old is Wayne Newton?

A. 14 1/2 in dog years

Q.Who said, “When I despair, I remember that all through history the ways of truth and love have always won. There have been tyrants, and murderers, and for a time they can seem invincible, but in the end they always fall. Think of it–always. “

A. Mahatama Ghandi….or Gary Busey. I get them confused.

Q. Do you unicorns really exist?

A. Of course, silly! They exist in the Land of Fairies and live in Mushroom Stables.

Q.What is Satan’s last name?

A. Jones

 

Since becoming the Dali Lama, I have been in deep study trying to understand life. While doing some research on other profound thinks, I found the following deep meaning statements.

I was sad because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”

A lot of people are afraid of heights. I’m afraid of widths.

If girls with large breasts work at Hooters, then do girls with one leg work at IHOP?

If a transvesite goes missing, would youu put their face on a carton of Half and Half?

I asked a chicken why it was crossing the road. It told me it was none of my business.

Nothing is worse than being alone on the evening of the day when one’s cow has exploded.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in a hospital dying of nothing.

Now, I must go. The Dali Mama has a busy afternoon. I must practice my yoga while pondering the big question of…..just what was Willis talkin’ about?

Naked Yoga Frees The Body (of tight clothes that cause indentions in your waist)

 

. Plus, I’m hungry and am really craving some Taco Bell.

Questions for the Dali Mama? Feel free to ask them.

“edited” Dali Mama has enlightened some readers in their comments. If you have a quesiton, problem, minor ailment, or love life problem,……feel free to ask the Dali Mama. I will also, answer questions about child rearing, redneck etiquette,white trash protocol, and backwoods decorating.

Disclaimer…..I am not a doctor. I only play one on this blog. Medical advice given should not be taken seriously.