I’m Healthy? Say It Ain’t So!……

 

My local newspaper had an auction for items donated by local businesses. One of the items was a comprehensive series of medical tests including cholestrol, diabetes check, and metabolism. Not having insurance, I figured this would be a good way to get some medical testing done cheap. I won the auction with a bid of $30. The package sells for just under 200 dollars so I got quite a bargain! I’ve been wanting to check my cholestrol and chance of diabetes. Diabetes runs in my family so I had been urged by my doctor and family members to have this done for some time now. To me, the cholestrol and diabetes were nice little extras but I was mostly interested in my metabolism. I just knew that it was slow. It had to be! I don’t eat a lot.

..excuse me a sec while I run over to the counter and grab a Little Debbie Swiss Roll. I’ve been up for hours and have only had a couple of donuts and coffee…..

I set up an appt. for the test and could hardly wait. I lived in anticipation for days. To be able to prove that there was something wrong with my metabolism was a dream come true. Finally, an explanation on paper as to why my ass is starting to look like it has a midget glued on it!!!!!!!  I couldn’t wait to wave that paper in front of the faces of my kids. This would stop there constant harping about me not getting enough exercise or eating right.

How dare they tell me that I need to eat healthier??!!!!! I eat fruit. Hey, have you ever tried that chocolate dip that you melt in the microwave. It’s so yummy on apples and bananas.

 Actually, it’s pretty darn yummy eaten straight from the container with a spoon!

Besides, I’ve felt so sluggish lately. How dare they come over and tell me to get off the couch and let the pillows breathe. They’ll be so apologetic when I produce my framed low metabolism report! Ungrateful heathens.

Finally, my tests day arrived! I hurriedly showered and dressed gulping down a cup of coffee and a Little Debbie Orange/Cranberry muffin (or two). Little Debbie is my very best friend. No, wait. Second best. Big Hair Envy is my BFF (this week. Find out how you can be my BFF! Just ask!), It was only on the very last bite of the yummy muffin that I remembered that I was not suppose to eat or drink. These were fasting tests. Oh well, surely, a couple of lil’ ol’ muffins wouldn’t change anything.

Also, VERY YUMMY!

 At the wellness center (which was just a fancy name for the drug store’s back room), I was met by a really nice fellow named Arnie. This brought to mind the movie, “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape”. Remember, Leo Dicaprio’s character, Arnie? This Arnie looked a little “off” just like the movie Arnie.  Ok…I made that part up just because I wanted to write “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape” because I like to picture Johnny Depp in my mind at every opportunity. Back to the story in progress….

First, Arnie had me fill out a questionaire which only took a couple of minutes. Wowie Zowie…I was creeping closer and closer to the moment of truth!

First, Arnie wanted to do the bone density scan. While this was in progress, Arnie took the time to lecture me about having enough calcium in my diet. I assured him that was no problem. I LOVE cheese….grilled, melted, on crackers. Plus, the Reese’s peanut butter cup ice cream and Broughton chocolate milk that I make myself eat and drink was full of calcium.

Then, Arnie took some blood from my finger to do the other tests. He said that while those tests results were being read, we’d do the metabolism test. YIPPIE!!!!! I was on the edge of my seat with excitement. I was picturing the apologetic looks and the “I’m sooooo sorry, Mom! We were wrong!” that would be ringing in my ears later that evening.

The metabolism test consisted of me breathing through a tube for 10 minutes while having my nose plugged. The tube was like one on a nebulizer that people with chronical lung problems use. The ten minutes seemed more like 30. I was beginning to think that Arnie could read minds and new that I had likened him in my head to “slow Arnie” and was getting back at me. Finally, the 10 minutes were up and Arnie lead me over to a desk to discuss my results. About this time, a very slim, blonde pharma student joined us. It was a hands on study thing for one of her classes. I was happy that she was there because I just knew that she would sympathize with me when my slooooooow metabolism was discussed.

First, Arnie told me that I show no tendency toward diabetes….yet. It runs in my family so I was advised to have it checked regularly.

Then, he went over my cholestrol with me. Although, a little high, it was nothing to worry about. This was the second time that I was told that my good cholestrol is really good. Even though, my overall reading was a little high, my good cholestrol is kicking ass on the bad cholestrol. So, I will digress here for a public service announcement….

Here is why my good cholestrol is so good. Remember the doc that I wrote about before? The one who advised my daughter to put urine on her acne and wanted me to take home a bag of weeds from his office to make a tea with? Well, he’s not totally a whack job (even though he had me belting back rocket-fuel-grade hydrogen peroxide every day. I finally quit because I was afraid I’d spontaneously launch and end up on Uranus. OK..I admit that I didn’t have to write about that but just wanted to use the word “Uranus” because I have the humor of a 12 yr old boy). Anyway, he advised me about 20 years ago when I was still pretty young to drink Metamucil everynight for the fiber. Fiber is good for cholestrol. Plus, I haven’t been constipated in 20 years!!!!! Do your body and favor and start drinking a glass of it everyday.

End of public service announcement….

Finally, time for THE METABOLISM RESULTS!!!!

“Your’re metabolism is normal.” Arnie said.

“YIPPIE! I KNEW IT…..huh, what did you say?” I asked

He said, “You’re metabolism is normal. And, that’s good.”

I said, “Arnie, dear, I think you’ve mixed up my results with someone else’s. I’ve gained weight recently and I’m tired!”

He said, “You were the only one who had the test done. There are no other results to confuse them with. Maybe, we should go over the rest of the test and then we will discuss your eating and exercising habits.”

Arnie was smiling and talking to me as if I were a 2 year old.

“Arnie,” I said, “You know that machines can make mistakes! I think you need to do the numbers again.”

Numbers can be read wrong. That machine might have had a hanging chad. Hanging chads messed up a presidential election!

“No, dear” he said, “this machine is quite accurate.” Then he went on to explain to me how the whole test worked.

“But!, he said, “I have a simple solution to this problem of yours!”

I was seriously unhappy. But, maybe, Arnie had seen the midget hanging off my ass, too. I told those brats of mine that it was not a figment of my imagination. Or, maybe, Arnie had a super duper secret capsule that would shrink my butt, thighs, and, yes, belly. Or, one that would speed up my metabolism!!!! I started to smile again.

Arnie pulled out the sheet with all the tests results. He showed me how many calories that I was eating on average a day. This is all figured by the machine. Then, he showed me how many calories that I needed to cut out and how many minutes a day that I would need to exercise to lose x amount of pounds in x amount of days.

Then, he stood up and asked me if I had any more questions. I could hear that skinny blond student snickering to herself.

“No…no questions. Where’s my pill?” I asked.

“Pill? What pill?” Arnie replied.

“THE MAGIC PILL, YOU FOOL!” I said shouted!

As Arnie was showing me to the door, me and the lil midget stuck on my ass were both shouting. “RECOUNT!”

A few minutes later, sitting at Wendy’s, eating a bowl of low fat, healthy chili double cheese burger, I struck up a conversation with a lady sitting close by. I explained to her what had happened to me. She was very sympathetic. Or, at least I think she was. It was kinda hard to tell with her mouth full of declicious, hot and greasy French Fries!

 

 Hanging chad! I want a recount!!!