Another Disasterous Attempt at Self Improvement

You’d think that I would learn by now. Dammit! I’m really not a stupid person. I actually have an IQ above normal. Not going go into numbers because I always think people sound smug and arrogant when they proclaim their IQ. If they were really that smart, they’d keep their mouths shut so less smarter people would like them. I think that the real demonstration of intelligence is knowing how to act ditzy to further your own agenda.

(I never denied being easily distracted and wandering off track quite often, though. The “hey, look, a chicken” thing is no act.)

Back on track…to original post. I have been….”oh, looky, there’s Burger King on TV!”

“earth to TPB. Launch thinking part of brain ASAP!”

There, that’s much better. I’m back. And, as I was saying, I have been guilty several times of doing downright idiotic things for the sake of vanity. Let’s see, there was the time that I….

1. Had my face chemically peeled and looked like this>>>>> Not once, mind you. Oh, no…I’m a glutton for looks that scare small children and have friends and relatives draw their curtains and lock their doors when I show up on their porch.

2. Had my eyebrows permanently tatooed. (They faded, thank goodness). I looked like this>>>>

3. Had my eyelids, upper and lower, permanently lined (also, faded) and looked like this>>>

…and there’s more. But, what I have done in an attempt to improve myself recently might just take the “Most Stupid Thing Ever” award.

As y’all know, summer is here. Ahhh…summer with it’s long days, lazy attitude, and, hot sun. Hot sun beating down on my head and causing me to perspire which in turn makes my head wet which then makes my hair frizz and curl (and not in a cute way, mind you!)

In other words, I have started sweating like a swine when the temps climb. I thought that letting my hair grow out and putting it in the all-American pony tail would be a remedy. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to realize that

LONG HAIR = WETTER HEAD…

“head sweating (as in rivulets of sweat running down the face), is not so easy to mask. And even if the sweat doesn’t roll off your face, it can have a different impact in that your hair can become damp and begin to smell of stale sweat. And that really is a problem for many people, because who wants to have a sweaty head?” Headsweating.com

There is nothing attractive about looking like this>>>>>> So, I decided to remedy it. I did research on cures for head sweating. The most touted one was Botox. Shots in the scalp? Not for the squeamish but then I’m the idiot who let an unexperienced permanent supposedly” permanent make-up sadist artist” stick needles in my eyelids about a gazillion times for nothing. So, the needles did not really bother me. The fact that it may or may not work and cost mega bucks did. That was out. The next fix was using a very, very, very (did I say “VERY“?) strong anti-perspirant. There were several different brands but they all had aluminum chloride hexahydrate as the main ingredient. So, where do I buy this stuff? Instinctively, I logged onto eBay. And, lo and behold, there was a seller on there. I ordered some. It came in…a small bottle of roll on for only $30.00. Seemed a small price to pay for a dry head.

It arrived rather quickly considering that it came from Canada. I guess I need to mention that I couldn’t find anything this strong sold in US markets. Maybe, that should have tipped me off on what was to come.

The instructions said that I probably would only have to use it about 3 times. So, without any hesitation, that night, I did exactly as instructed. Wash area very well. Dry with hairdryer. Apply Drysol and wrap area with Saran wrap. Except, the Saran wrap wouldn’t stay on so I gave up on that part of it.

It didn’t take long for the burning sensation to start. And, I do mean BURNING. Ignoring the images of patches of hair falling out that kept playing in my mind, I repeated my new mantra over and over…

I MUST BE STERN AND IGNORE THE BURN I MUST BE STERN AND IGNORE THE BURN I MUST BE STERN AND…

(The second clue about using this was when I went to eBay to leave feedback for receiving my product, the seller was no longer listed.)

My head felt like it was on fire. I took Tylenol PM and went to bed. The next morning, all was fine. That evening, I went thru the ritual again. OMG!!!! I felt like someone was welding my head with a high intensity blowtorch. Once again, I repeated my mantra, took Ambien (which always give me vivid bizarre dreams), went to bed and dreamed that my head was on fire. Holy crap! Wait….it’s no dream. My scalp feels like cannibals have started putting me in the cooking pot head first. Mantra! Mantra! I finally went back to sleep and everything was well the next morning.

Tonight was the 3rd night. Had to be easier, right? WRONG! While applying the Drysol, behind my ears felt like a whole city of fire ants had taken refuge. I tried to ignore it by saying my mantra and watching American Idol America’s Got Talent. There was a girl on there doing some kind of bizarre bump and grind with a blowtorch…..BLOWTORCH! FIRE! OMG! THIS HURTS! I gently touched the areas of the most discomfort and felt SCABS! That shit really had burnt my skin up. Alternatively, cursing and praying, I ran and got a washcloth, hurried to the sink, and wet it down with cold water. Ahhhh…..it felt so good. So, there I sat watching a family sing “The Hills Are Alive With The Sound of Music”, putting a cold rag behind one ear and then the other, and silently praying to God that I had not burned patches of hair out. I’m not sure whether I did or not. I haven’t gotten up my nerve to go look in a mirror yet. But, if I did burn bald patches on each side of my head, chances are that I burnt up the sweat glands, too. So, I’m thinking…well, maybe, it was worth it. Then, I’m thinking…what if I did some kind of permanent damage to those glands and I really need them to cool my head. Will other sweat glands avenge them and become over-active? Only time will tell.

The truth, though, is that I KNOW I haven’t learned my lesson.