Yes, It’s A Mullet…Now Stop Staring!!!!

To say that the mullet is a hairstyle barely even scratches the surface of the issue. The mullet is a way of life, it is a state of mind, it is every person who wears it. Physically it is characterized by short hair on the top, front, and sides of the head, followed by a long drape of hair on the back.

There are many advantages to wearing a mullet. So, it’s easy to understand why the mullet would be a good choice for a hairstyle.

ADVANTAGES

1. LOW COST…..It is widely known that the instance of the mullet in any given area is inversely proportional to average annual income. There is little to no maintenance required to preserve the mullet, and the costs involved are much lower than that of most other hairstyles.

2.LOW MAINTENANCE Subjects need not even wash the mullet for long periods of time, nor groom it in the morning, though many do meticulously attend to their mullet as an issue of pride and beauty – still the costs are indeed negligible.

3.BETTER THAN A SCARF Also the mullet insulates the subject’s neck, keeping him or her warm through the cold winter nights.

4. SO VERY VERSATILE…The other important advantage of the mullet is that it offers it’s host the freedom of both worlds of work and leisure. The subject appears to be a normal human being from the front, unencumbered by long hair over the face, and also appears to be a “party animal” from behind, with the long flowing locks. Hence, the “business in the front, party in the back” mentality. One is free to be taken seriously in the world of work, and, when the opportunity arises, is also free to “let loose” and “go wild – ape style.”

And, now I have one. Listing all of those great reasons to get a mullet would lead one to think that I chose to get mulleted…..that I willingly became a Sgt. in the Mullitia. A Mulletissa Ethridge.

Well, that’s total untruthiness (thank you Steven Cobert).

Here’s what happened. I went to get my haircut on Monday. I had not had a haircut in 3-4 months. I have had short hair for a long time and had decided to try something different. During the winter, I ran my fingers through my mane everyday in an almost perverted way. Hair! I had hair! I was pretty excited to have some hair to style. All that I wanted was a trim. I know. I know. You are collectively shaking your heads head (I have one regular reader!) and saying, “WTF was she thinking. Trim in not even in the Hairdressers Manual/Dictionary. Ask for a trim and the stylist magically turns into Edward Scissorhands.

Anyway, I was glad to be there. I needed something to perk me up and a haircut sometimes does the trick. Along with one of those fat, greasy weinees wrapped in dough and deep fried that they sell at a place across from the haircut place. I sat in Bobbi’s chair and explained to her that I was trying to grow out my hair a bit but needed the split ends cut. Without a word, she picked up her magical shears and began cutting. Her hands were a blur as she darted from top to bottom.

I have known Bobbi for quite some time and we always to the “beauty parlor gossip” thing. Only, this time, there was no fun gossip. She told me that the other girl, who does my hair sometimes, was in a terrible depression. Her sister had suddenly died from a brain aneurysm. It hadn’t even been 6 months since her father died. And, right after that, her mobile home burned down. Then, a raccoon got into her car and shredded her seats. I’m not making any of this stuff up. She had sure had a run of terrible luck.

Thinking about Cindy’s problems, I was not really paying attention to what Bobbi was doing. Until I noticed a lot of hair on the cape. Holy pita in a pocket….my top layer was almost buzzed. As I opened my mouth to protest, Bobbi began to tell me about her brother dying a month ago. And, her mom was in the hospital having surgery when it happened. So now, Bobbi is the only one left to help with her mother. AND, her husband is really ill and she has to take care of him. Tears began to well in her eyes. This was some really sad shit. I felt the tears in my own eyes.

More hair landed on the cape. “Bobbi, I didn’t”……..

I never got to finish. She started telling me about her sister-in-law becoming paralyzed from some unknown cause and having to use a wheelchair. Some seriously tragic life stories….

……as I saw more hair fall.

Thank the good Lord (and I seriously mean that) that she came to a stop. Either she had finally run out awful things to spill her gut about or she was done with my haircut.

I was afraid to look in the mirror. All the hair on the floor was telling me that I resembled G.I. Jane.

I slowly looked up. I had a mullet.

It didn’t look like this>>>>>>> Thank you, Jesus (seriously!)

It looked kind of like this>>>>>

Well, acutally more like this!

I had become Uncle Jesse from Full House!!!!

I called TrailerParkSkipper first thing when I got home. “TPS”….I was choking up with tears, “I’ve got a damn mullet! I look like Uncle Jesse!”

“You look like that guy on Dukes of Hazzard?”, she asked.

“NO! I look like the Olsen twin’s uncle on Full House!” I said, holding back tears.

And, I went on to explain to her what happened.

“But, Mom, you should have said something!” That’s my lil Skipper, so wise. (being sarcastic here).

“Skipper, how could I interrupt Bobbi when she was pouring her heart out to me?”, I said.

And, how could I? What is the protocol for this type of situation?

So, if you see me, you’ll know that I am now “business in the front” and “party in the back”!

Unless, I decide on a buzz cut.

UPDATE ON MY MULLET CAUSE I KNOW YOU ARE STILL THINKING ABOUT IT

I highlighted my hair. I always do it myself. I’m as good as most of the beauticians that have ever done it. So, I got out my stuff and did it. After drying and styling, it looked pretty good….until I got the mirror and looked at the back.

I now have a saucer size spot of red hair that does not match any other color on my head. How did this happen? Holycrapoly!

So, to summarize my hair at this moment, I would have to say that I look like Uncle Jesse wearing a red pope beanie. I AM POPEUNCLE JESSE!!!!! TrailerParkSkipper said that if I would dye is brown in that spot, then I could look like I live in a monastery. I guess then, I would be Monkle Jesse.

My friend, D, commented here and that jarred me into remembering the SUPER HAIR PRODUCT FOR ALL REDNECK WOMEN!

Gosh, with AquaNet, I can do just about anything. I could tease that hair in the back and make it look like a lot of hair. Spray it with AquaNet and it’s guaranteed to stay exactly as I fixed it. Hell, it will stay that way until the next haircut. AquaNet IS the superglue of hair products.

And…it’s also good for keeping out mosquites. If you have a small hole (say, no larger than 1 inch or so) in screen door, spray that sucker with AQ . I swear AQ forms a hard sticky barrier that just traps those squitters’ and June bugs.

Here;s what others are saying about AQUANET!

“

“Hair spray that is still cool to use.

I just bought a case of Aqua net for $2.25! And no, it was not on sale! That was full price! Want some?!?!”

“the reason we have a hole in the ozone. Because of high use of AquaNet in the 80’s, we now will all day because of the sun. Thank you asshole 80’s hair bands”

“I remember when I was a kid we used to use that stuff for a flame thrower at fire ants. I’ve used Aqua Net as propellant for a spud gun. Works pretty well. Heck, in a pinch you could probably use the stuff as starter fluid for your carburetor.”

“We used it when camping to incinerate wasps. One genius, who shall be nameless, burned a perfectly round hole in the screen-house we ate in.”

HOWEVERE, AQUANET MUST BE USED RESPONSIBLY!!!!!!

It is a great fuel to launch potato guns. But, only under adult supervision!

I remember when TrailerParkSkipper was around 13 years old. She had a friend over and they were in her bedroom. Talking, I THOUGHT! Then, I hear these panicked voices saying, “What are we gonna do? I can’t get it to go out!”

And then…..words that a mother never wants to hear under any circumstance….

“Hurry, my mom’s gonna smell it!”

Upon opening the door, I discovered that the 2 brainacs were spraying words on TPS’ large dresser mirror and spraying it with AquaNet. AQUANET BURNS!

But, as long as you stay away from flames and use responsibly, you, too, can have Amy Winehouse hair! The rest of her look will require heavy drug use, poor hygiene, and starving.

She is seriously looking scary!