Nursing Home Hell…..

Why are old men in nursing homes given Viagra?

So, they won’t roll out of bed.

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. “So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?” they ask.

“It’s pretty nice,” she replies. “Except they won’t let you fart.”

Three old fellows are in the day room of their nursing home complaining to each other. The first one says “Oh, this darn prostate of mine. If I could just pee without dribbling, it would be such a relief!”The second guy says, “I’m so constipated, I’d give anything to move my bowels more than once a week!”

The third guy says, “Every morning at 6:30 I pee like a racehorse, no problem. At 7:00 AM I take a nice relaxing dump. My problem is I don’t wake up until 7:30!!”

An old man, Mr. Smith, resided in a nursing home. One day he went into the
nurses' office and informed Nurse Jones that his penis died.
Nurse Jones, realizing the Mr. Smith was old and forgetful decided to play
along with him. "It did? I'm sorry to hear that," she replied.
Two days later, Mr. Smith was walking down the halls at the nursing home
with his penis hanging outside his pants. Nurse Jones saw him and said,
"Mr.Smith I thought you told me your penis died".
"It did" he replied; "today is the viewing"

What’s thirty feet long and smells like urine? The country line-dance at the nursing home.

I told ya a few jokes above to hopefully get you in a light mood. I didn’t want to immediately delve into the following story. (although some of it is quite funny).

I went out of town this past weekend to visit my elderly aunt in a nursing home in NC. When I first went in, it didn’t seem so bad. But, the further down the hall that I walked, the worse things became.

The not-very-ill or brain-dead people with money were put in the first section. Crisp clean sheets and white ruffly curtains.

My aunt met me at the desk in her wheelchair. The desk was located between the first and second sections. The second sections was less desirable but still not too awfully bad. The difference was that these people were a little less well (and a little more crazy). As I started to take the handles of my aunt’s chair to push her along, I felt a tapping on my shoulder. I turned. There stands a little hobbit or something. “Give me my teeth back, you fucker!”

Yep, that’s what he/she said to me.

“I don’t have your teeth. Sorry.” I started to walk off. Then I felt a harder THUMP on my back. That little turd hobbit had really punched me.

“Give me my fuckin’ teeth right now or I’m gonna tell President Bush!” she/he said.

“Look, I swear, I don’t have your teeth!” I was getting a little perturbed.

“Open your word hole (word hole? never heard that before) and SHOW ME!”, it said.

So, being a naive idiot, I did. That’s when I felt and tasted two fingers that tasted like they had wiped an ass and not used toilet paper in my mouth. I pulled he/she’s fingers out of my mouth and got close to it’s face and said, “That big orderly over there has your damn teeth. Now, go get them.”

And, away she/he walked.

Not more than 10 feet later, I’m presented with a old guy sitting right inside of his doorway, displaying his shriveled little penis. He sees me look and he laughs manically. Cute.

After passing several more rooms, some of which were inhabited by pantiless old ladies, we finally arrived at my aunt’s room.

It was horrible. It was extremely small and she had a room mate. And, it seriously smelled of urine and shit. Her bed was a small cot with no sheet.

It didn’t take me long to figure out why she was on that stinky, dirty section. Her sister (my other aunt if in charge of her money). Now, I know how the other aunt is affording all the vacations that she’s been taking with her daughter.

Friggin’ bitch! She definitely gets the shitcake today.