The Blessing of The Breasts…

Random Celebrity Redneck Baby Name!

ajaxinclude(includefiles, “random”) Not to be outdone by his brother, Jermaine Jackson named his son “Jermajesty”! Maybe the worst name of all time?

Just a little random fact that I found quite funny!

The most popular redneck baby names for boys according to Redneck Baby Names

Cletus,Billy Bob,Bo,Wade,Rebel,Tiberius,Elrod,Horace,Eustice

These are also, among the most popular names for coon-dogs.

Recently, I attended a baby shower for a friend. It was held at her church, in their community room.Nothing compares to the eats at a redneck baby shower except, maybe, homecoming at a southern Baptist church.These showers always offer up games with dollar store prizes. Now, I know that being WTWM (white trash with money), I could easily afford to fill up a buggy or two at the dollar store and pay for it. But, there is something about those damn Made In Korea keepsake boxes and expired boxes of candy that brings out the competitive monster in me. I go at ‘em with a gusto usually reserved for Ultimate Warrior cage matches. And, I’m not the only one. It can get blood and guts ugly between some of us. You can always tell which women (or men) are faithful attendees of showers because we know how the damn games go. And, nothing is more annoying than some woman having to have the games explained 2 or 3 times. For heaven’s sake, just shut your yap and don’t play if you don’t understand the game. How hard is it to understand instructions like…..”The following are commercials for a certain product. What is the product?” I mean, don’t these people have a television in their home? Get out of the way and let the professional baby-shower-attendees-who-know-how-to-play-the-games get on with it!!!! Not only are they holding me up from getting my sweaty hands on that one dollar prize, they are holding me up from the CAKE! Oh lordy, how I love cake!!!!

These are some of the games usually played at all the showers around here:

1. How many squares of toilet paper will it take to go around the expectant mom’s tummy? Now, this game, I’m not so good at. I don’t want to hurt the fatty’s feelings so I always guess low.

2 Look, smell, and even taste (if you wanted to) 8-10 different flavors of baby foods, and try to identify them. I’m not so good at this one either. I guess sweet potatoes for every one of them.

3.On a poster board, write the full name of the baby. Give all guests a pen and paper and have them write as many words as they can from the baby’s name. Give them 5 minutes. Guest with the most words wins. I’m fairly good at this one. I can usually whiz off a dozen or so from a 2 syllable name.

4. .Here is the best one. Take 4 disposable diapers and 4 different types of candy bars (I recommend Reeses Cups, Baby Ruth, Milky Way, Nestle Crisp or Snickers). Unwrap each bar and melt for a sec in the microwave separately and then place in a diaper. Fold diaper over so they have “open” to see what is inside. Number them 1-4 and give each person a piece of paper and pen and they must identify the candy bar in each. You can provide spoons if they needed a “test bite”. Personally, I never need a spoon. I know my candy bars and can tell with one whiff what each one is.

After all the games were played , it was time to eat the cake. Yuuuummmm……I love cake. All cakes except shitcake.

After all had gotten their little loose-meat sandwiches, veggies and dip, Kool-Aid/ice cream punch, and pieces of cake, we all sat down at the tables. The tables, of course, being decorated with tiny little rattles, safety pinned midget diapers, and little carriage favors filled with mints.

Normally, at all the showers, the eldest lady is asked to say a prayer. But, the hostess of this shower decided to do things a little differently. She wanted to go around the tables and have each attendee give a blessing for something pertaining to the expected mother.

Let’s face facts…..you can only bless so much pertaining to one person. So, after the expected “bless Lori with an easy delivery”, “bless Lori’s baby with good health”, “bless Lori with the joys of being a mother”, the blessings were starting to dry up a bit.

And then, it was my friend’s turn. I swear she looked like a deer in headlights and I knew that all of the blessings that she had thought of had been said. All eyes were upon her and she said this…..

“Bless….um…..uh…..Lori’s….um…..breasts so they can provideth much milk”.

Oh lordy, I thought I was going to have to be carried out of their on a stretcher, I was laughing so hard.

But, fortunately, I composed myself enough to eat my cake.

I DO LOVE CAKE! (and dollar store prizes).