American Idol Cliff’s Notes….

Lots and lots of people watch American Idol. Some are actually interested in the competition. But, some of us just want to be able to make semi-intelligent comments in blogs, AI boards, office discussions, etc.

Let me help you. No more need to sit wasting your time on “amateur” (apparently, previous record contracts don’t count) performances of America’s (when did Irish and Australian performers start counting as American) unknown and untapped talent?

Here’s all you need to know to be cool and with-it about AI.

1.AI dialogue….

Randy Jackson…”Dawg, you can blow!”

Paula Abdul…”You have the most amazing, pure, innocent vocals with lots of colors that I am really looking forward to you showing.”

Simon Cowell…..”That was atrocious. Simply horrid! Paula, what color do you think that was?”

Randy Jackson….”I dunno. You can blow, man!”

Paula….”I get so emotional whenever I hear you. You have the most innocent, pure, unbelievable vocals. I can see your colors shining.”

Simon….”Hated it. Just a cabaret version. Just didn’t stand out. What color do you think that was, Paula?”

Randy…..”Whoa, dude! You can really blow! Alright!!!!!”

Paula….”You’re such a pure, innocent performer. I’m looking forward to seeing your colors come thru.”

Simon…..”Cruise ship performance. I can hear thousands of performers just like you in karoke bars all over the country any given night. What color was that, Paula?”

Randy….”Whoa! Unbelievable, the way you blow, man!”

Paula….”You’re just so “inaudible muttering” and I can’t wait to see all of your colors come out.”

Simon….”Not too awful. You may actually have star persona. What color was that, Paula?”

OK….that’s all you need to know about the lingo/language of AI.

2. The Sanjaya Factor….every season has a Sanjaya. A Sanjaya is a performer who has garnered enough votes to stay in the running. The votes are from pre-teen criers or anti-AI websites. The Sanjaya always has good hair styled to perfection to look casual for every performance. If stumped in conversaton about AI, you can always say, “Is that the one who looks like Sanjaya?”

3. The small town hick character….ex. Kelly Pickler. Usually a female, but occasionally a guy, the AI hickster is alway adorably rednecked and country bumpkin. The AI hick is usually fairly talented but relies quite a bit on their innocent, cute act. If stumped and the Sanjaya remark doesn’t work, rely on the hickster comment…..”Is that the cute little hick from Smalltown, USA?”

4.The unisex character…..This character has no identifying male/female attributes. Usually gets the boot because of his/her annoying belief that he/she really is THE AMERICAN IDOL.

5.Ryan Seacrest…..Emcee, all American boyish looking, talks back to Simon, defender of all contestants

6. Chris Daughtry…..the one that should have one but got the last laugh when his albumn sold a gazillion copies. Good comment when stumped, “He/she is gonna be the next Chris Daughtry. That show is rigged.”

7. Melinda Doolittle…..aka “doing a Melinda Doolittle”. aka “doing the turtle” This is when a contestant appears truly humble and surprised at his/her good reviews from the judges. This gets old after a dozen performances and can be a contestants downfall. Voters will turn against a Doolittle with a mob vegenance.When stumped, just say, “He/she shouldn’t have pulled a “Doolittle” and turned the voters off.

There you have it. All you really need to know about American Idol. However, if any reader can add to this, I’m sure that the non-watcher of AI would really appreciate your input.