Not One…Not Even One, I Tell You!

      I'm suffering from brainquakes. Brainquakes are a series of jolting, non-connected thoughts that leave me in a...hmmm...how should I put this?

Oh hell, I'll put it the only way that I can. Brainquakes render me stoopid. Actually, maybe not stoopid, maybe more like an idiot savante that can tell you exactly what day of the week was July 30, 1905 or how many toothpicks feel on the floor. Now, that might explain why I had to run to K-Mart today to buy underwear. (Rain Man reference for those of y'all that are too young to know what Rain Main was/is. I can't seem to come up with any original thoughts for the last several days. Well, I have come up with some but they wouldn't make any sense to you unless you are bipolar and your mind is racing and you can understand disconnected thoughts, gibberish, and constant changing thought patterns. So, I'm resorting to posting that I've copied from my email. I don't usually find these things funny enough to forward much less put in a blog. But, several of these really made me laugh. I hope they will make you laugh, also.   

Also, having some trouble with formatting for some reason. WTF am I having super long lines? Crapola....I'll deal with that later.

     Groaners and Puns
  1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.  The ceremony
wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

  2. A jumper cable walks into a bar.  The bartender says, "I'll serve you,
but don't start anything."

  3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

  4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

  5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says
"A beer please, and one for the road."

  6. Two cannibals are eating a clown.  One says to the other: "Does this
taste funny to you?"

  7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home."  "That
sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."  "Is it common?"  Well, "It's Not Unusual."

  8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.  Daisy says to
Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."  "I don't believe
you," says Dolly.  "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

  9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.  The kids were nothing to
look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't
find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.  He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"  The doctor replied, "I know you
can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says,
"Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
craft.  Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
      After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked
them to disperse.  "But why," they asked, as they moved off.
      "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open
foyer."

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.  One of them goes to
a family in Egypt, and is named "Ahmal."  The other goes to a family in
Spain; they name him "Juan."  Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself
to his birth mother.   Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband
that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.  Her husband responds,
"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,  which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.  He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from
bad breath.  This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) .....

      A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his
friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would  make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.

How do you catch an elephant?
First you dig a big hole, and fill it with wood and ash. Then you take a load of peas and line them up around the hole. Then, when the elephant goes to take a pea, kick him in the ash-hole!

Chinese Proverbs

Virginity like bubble – one prick all gone

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok

Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails

War doesn’t determine who is right, war determines who is left

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot

Man who farts in church sits in own pew

Crowded elevator smells different to midget

BaBaBump!!!! Have a great nite. And if you could take pity on me and lie to me tell me that this was a good post, I’d appreciate it. Right now, the voices in my head are telling me that I totally suck!