EIIIII! I See Crazy People!

We all have one……a crazy aunt. You know, the one that you deny any bloodline with in public but secretly thank God for everyday. She’s the one who comes to mind when you see the crazy aunt /sister/mother characters on TV shows. Well, here’s a story about my crazy aunt…

Cleaning out some stuff in the closet today, I came across some old newspaper clippings that I had kept for one reason or another.

One article was about a murder in a nearby county several years ago. Three men had taken another man up into the backwoods and tortured him. It just so happened that those backwoods bordered my aunt’s property. The guys eventually killed the guy. No one knew what happened to him. He was missing and that’s all the law enforcement knew. One day, my aunt, who spent a lot of her time outside in her garden, saw one of her many, many dogs gnawing on something that looked like an animal part. Upon closer inspection, she discovered that it was a human leg. OMG!!!! It was identified as the leg of the missing man. This resulted in law enforcement finding out all the rest of the details.
That’s the awful part of the story. But, take heed, there is always something funny when it comes to my family.

First, my aunt was getting senile. She thought her name was Maude Aimee (which it wasn’t). And she thought she was married to Jack VanImpe, the popular televangalist.
So, I think that you can get the pic that she wasn’t just “right” in the head.

The trial of the men came up and of course, she was called as a witness. Poor “Maude Aimee”. She was really backwoods and therefore, totally at lost in the courtroom.

It came her turn for the witness stand. She got up there. The DA asked her if she had found the man’s leg. She verified that she did. Then, he asked her if she had found any other body parts. Here we go………

She looked at him sternly and said, “I ain’t had time to go looking fer no man’s parts. I been busier than a whore in a c*** swallowing contest.” Oh lordy!!!!! Then, she said that maybe they should ask her husband. The DA looked confused because he knew that she had been widowed years before. So, he said, “Mrs. A, did you get remarried?”

My aunt looked shocked and said, “No sir. I’m still married to Jack. He’s gone right now on a revival.” The DA said, “I thought your husband died several years back.”
She said, “Hell no, my husband was just on TV this morning. Get me a spit-cup!” She had a small wad of chewing tobacco that had gone undetected inside of her cheek.

A recess was called. Needless to say, the DA dismissed her even though her testimony could have been the strongest part of the case. Thank goodness, the guys got convicted anyway.
The last time that we went to see her was to tell her about my mom’s death. Bless her heart, she didn’t even know who we OR my mom OR her brother was. She then proceeded to ask us if we wanted to donate to Jack’s worlwide ministry. She said that he was off “saving heathens in Paris”. She, also, handed us a flyer that she said would teach us about avoiding the fires of Hell. Actually, it was a used paper towel. She had really “left the planet Earth” by then. She had turned off her electricity because she said it made people see aliens. Personally, I think that aliens would not have dared gone around my aunt.

She died a few years later. But, that woman gave me some really good stories to tell. I think she also gave me the first real proof that the craziness in my life goes back for generations.