Tales from the Trailerpark

……all one or two of them.

I always loved Halloween. I loved to dress up as a kid (and occasionally as an adult) and going out beggin’ for candy. We did not have the curfew that today’s kids have. My brothers, sisters, and I would hit the road as soon as it started getting dark. We would walk for miles, not going home until 9:30 or 10. Of course, part of the reason was because we were PWT (poor white trash) and our Halloween candy stash was just as precious as Christmas is to the Trump kids.

I can remember unwrapping a piece of candy, taking a bite, wrapping it back up, and taking a bite of another. We would all do this until every single piece had been tasted (and licked to keep each other away from our candy).

Just a side note: I developed an intense fear of false teeth one Halloween when I was small. A neighbor man thought it would be just hilarious to take out his teeth and stick them in my face as a “trick”. Holyfrigginmoly….I developed a phobia of false teeth that I have until this very day. What kind of a-hole would do that to a kid? For pete’s sake, stick with the knife in the forehead stuff. Don’t be giving kids life-time phobias.

Since moving out here in the wilderness territory and having no close neighbors, I don’t have any trick -or-treaters. And, I miss those little rascals. Last year, the guy that mows are fields took pity on me and brought me a truckload of kids to treat. Seriously, a truckload. And, although, that was nice, I didn’t enjoy the fact that he must have picked them up at a juvenile deliquency center. I literally had to block my doorway to keep those hellions out of my house. I made the ultimate mistake of giving them each a huge amount of candy and other treats……like silly string and stuff. This only whipped those hooligans into a frenzy of candy-induced crazy behavior. One boy, dressed appropriately like a military man, tried to infililtrate my kitchen and grab the stash of goodies on the counter.  He left a nice stinker bomb behind. Must have had one too many Boston baked bean treats given to him. One little barbarian kicked me in the damn ankle when I asked him if he was a puppy dog. Turns out he was some kind of damn video game character. The cutest one was a little princess, of course. What is cuter or sweeter than a little princess. As I touched her little face so softly, I found out that what I had mistaken as some kind of make-up was actually dried snot where she had been crying the entire evening for “chocky”.

  So, although, I appreciate my lawn guy’s thoughtfulness, prehaps this year, he will take his kindess to the nursing homes and entertain the elderly with his band of hooligans. They will be given penny candy there and be taught a darn good life lesson. But, on the other hand, that’s probably not such a great idea. In my mind, I can see the “general” attacking ladies in wheel chairs while Princess Boo-Hoo gets her boogers all over their handmade quilts.

Still….I hope I get at least a couple of costumed lil’ ones. Otherwise, I’m gonna spend hours licking candy tonight.

Just in case you have forgotten the rules for a safe and Happy Halloween!

1.  When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it’s really dead.

2.   Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

3.   Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone  out

.4.   If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language  which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save  you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several  rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak  with somebody else’s voice.

5.   When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go it  alone. 6.   As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to  Hell.

7.   Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This  would apply to any other house of the dead as well.

8.   If you’re searching for something which caused a loud noise and  find out that it’s just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT!

9.   If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits; just get out!10.   Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.

11.   If you find a town which looks deserted, there’s probably a  good reason for it. Don’t stop and look around.

“Top Ten Suggestions For
Christian Halloween Costumes”

• Wear a giant tuna costume, carry a calculator and a loaf of bread and go as “the multiplying loaves and fishes.”
• Go as a pair of gnashing teeth, play a continuous tape of nails on a chalk board and say, “Give your life to Jesus, or get used to it!”
• Put a sign around your neck that says “Walter”, then wear a Wok as a hat and say, “If I keep my eyes on Jesus, I can wok on Walter.”
• Sneak up to the door, ring the bell, and then hide in the bushes, leaving only a Trick or Treat bag, an empty pair of tennis shoes, and a sign reading “Sorry - Got Raptured.”
• Go as a python with a squashed head. Let ‘em look it up.
• Wear a black suit, pull along a casket and greet neighbors with the words, “Hi, I’m here to take you to church. You want to go your way now, or my way later?”
• Dress up as a yellow and black striped leaf and ask them if they beeleaf in Jesus!
• Hide in a big basket with a miners’ light on your head. Then when someone opens the door, jump out and say, “I’m tired of hiding my light under a bushel, how about you?”
• Wear a wedding dress, and use zombie makeup. When someone opens the door say, ” Why not try Church? It’s not just for weddings and funerals any more!”
• And the number one suggestions
  for Christian Halloween Costumes is:
• Put an Uncle Fester light bulb in your mouth and say, “My friend is the real light of the world, want to hear about Him?” Note: this may take some practice, but boy is it impressive!

DUCT TAPE COSTUMES

13. Duck tape a small child or midget to your back and go as a “hunch-backed-two-headed guy.” (If you can’t locate a child or midget, decapitate a department store mannequin, duck tape its head to your shoulder, and go as “The Thing with Two Heads”).

12. Modern Metallic Mummy: cover yourself head to toe in duck tape and speak in inaudible groans. Feeling old fashioned? Go with white duck tape.

11. “Wizard of Oz” Tin Man: Simply follow the instructions for the mummy costume but don’t duck tape over your face. Instead, put a funnel on top of your head and carry around a duck tape covered oil can and axe.

10. Duck Tape Man: Use duck tape to fashion a mask and cape, cover an old pair of tights (or long johns) with duck tape for the pants, make a big duck tape “D” on the front of your shirt, and break the ice with other party goers by sticking a swatch of duck tape on everyone you meet!

9. The Human Shower: Don a raincoat, then use an old broomstick to help duck tape a Hula-Hoop™ over your head. Add showerhead and shower curtain to the Hula-Hoop™.

8. Wear something pink or minty green, Duck tape a shoe to your head, and go as “Used Gum.”

7. Duck tape over your puffy down ski jacket and go as a baked potato! (Don’t forget the dallop of sour cream on your head - created, of course, with white Duck tape.)

6. Take the lid of a shoe box, cut a one inch by six inch slit in the middle of it and tape it to your head so your eyes look out of the slit. You are now the bouncer at a speak easy! “What’s the password?”

5. Black pants and a black turtle neck with white duck tape “bones” makes a quick and easy skeleton costume. Or, use silver duck tape to make a “Terminator” skeleton.

4. Duck tape mirrors all over yourself. You will either look like The Invisible Man or like everyone else at the party.

3. Duck tape two boxes to your shoulders tall enough to match the top of your head. Pull a turtle neck over them, and put on a sport coat. You are now “Headless Guy.”

2. Duck Tape Biker: Cover your pants and jacket in black Duck tape, Duck tape a set of handlebars into your hands and your “Ol’ Lady” to your back. A black or brown Duck tape toupee (complete with “duck tail” flip in the back) looks like totally greased-back biker hair.

1. (Dads of teenagers will relate to this costume idea.) Cover yourself with silver Duck tape and hang a twenty dollar bill out of your mouth. Presto! You’ve become the Human ATM!

13. Duck tape a small child or midget to your back and go as a “hunch-backed-two-headed guy.” (If you can’t locate a child or midget, decapitate a department store mannequin, duck tape its head to your shoulder, and go as “The Thing with Two Heads”).

12. Modern Metallic Mummy: cover yourself head to toe in duck tape and speak in inaudible groans. Feeling old fashioned? Go with white duck tape.

11. “Wizard of Oz” Tin Man: Simply follow the instructions for the mummy costume but don’t duck tape over your face. Instead, put a funnel on top of your head and carry around a duck tape covered oil can and axe.

10. Duck Tape Man: Use duck tape to fashion a mask and cape, cover an old pair of tights (or long johns) with duck tape for the pants, make a big duck tape “D” on the front of your shirt, and break the ice with other party goers by sticking a swatch of duck tape on everyone you meet!

9. The Human Shower: Don a raincoat, then use an old broomstick to help duck tape a Hula-Hoop™ over your head. Add showerhead and shower curtain to the Hula-Hoop™.

8. Wear something pink or minty green, Duck tape a shoe to your head, and go as “Used Gum.”

7. Duck tape over your puffy down ski jacket and go as a baked potato! (Don’t forget the dallop of sour cream on your head - created, of course, with white Duck tape.)

6. Take the lid of a shoe box, cut a one inch by six inch slit in the middle of it and tape it to your head so your eyes look out of the slit. You are now the bouncer at a speak easy! “What’s the password?”

5. Black pants and a black turtle neck with white duck tape “bones” makes a quick and easy skeleton costume. Or, use silver duck tape to make a “Terminator” skeleton.

4. Duck tape mirrors all over yourself. You will either look like The Invisible Man or like everyone else at the party.

3. Duck tape two boxes to your shoulders tall enough to match the top of your head. Pull a turtle neck over them, and put on a sport coat. You are now “Headless Guy.”

2. Duck Tape Biker: Cover your pants and jacket in black Duck tape, Duck tape a set of handlebars into your hands and your “Ol’ Lady” to your back. A black or brown Duck tape toupee (complete with “duck tail” flip in the back) looks like totally greased-back biker hair.

1. (Dads of teenagers will relate to this costume idea.) Cover yourself with silver Duck tape and hang a twenty dollar bill out of your mouth. Presto! You’ve become the Human ATM!

SOME GOOD PRANKS

1. Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment you open the door, and angrily throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters. Slam the door when you’re finished
2. Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.)
3. Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, “Trick or Treat!” Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.
4. Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, “Top Secret” in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, “It’s about time you got here,” give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door.
5. Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, “Come in.” When they do, have everyone yell, “Surprise!!!” Act like it’s a surprise party.
6. Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out what’s wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural “whirring” sound.
7. After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.
8. Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and don’t move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away.
9. When you answer the door, hold up one candybar, throw it out into the street, and yell, “Crawl for it!”
10. When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked and scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the door and runaround the house, screaming until they go away.
11. Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give them any candy.
12. Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.
13. Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house.
14. When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can.
15. Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar.
16. Instead of candy, give away colored eggs. If anyone protests, explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter.
17. Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.
18. Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M’s and several half-eaten candy bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door. Open it again in a few seconds, and insist that you don’t have any candy.
19. Hand out cigarettes and bottles of asprin.
20. Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin.

………unless you wanna squeal like a pig…….. or take a walk dressed (or undressed) like this guy . while Dueling Banjos plays in the background.

A while back, my husband and I decided to take ride on a Sunday. We don’t do that very much anymore. But, we use to just get in the car and take different roads just to see where we would end up. This day, we had only gone about 15 miles from our home but, we might as well have gone to another planet. Actually, I wasn’t shocked or all that uncomfortable (until later) because I grew up in an impoverished family. Although, for the record, we did all have our teeth (well, most of us did) and we didn’t walk around in the woods in our underwear (OK….except for that one time…Ok two times).

Fireco  The place is located down in Souther WV coalfields. The coalfields in that area are just kapooie, now. Once a booming little town, Fireco is now home to desolation and cockfighting.  The sure way to know that you are in cockfighting country is that you will see a bunch of usually poorly made pens all over the owners property behind his house. Most of them look like two sheets of tin or wood put up tee-pee style like in this picture. And if you are getting close to the ring where the actions takes place, you will see signs like this.

The problems is that you don’t see these things until you are in the midst of cockfighting farms or near the rings. No gradual warnings. An abrupt “get the hell out of here” feeling comes over you a little too late.

Being PWTWOM (poor white trash without money) growing up, I was use to chickens. My dad raised chickens. We ate many a Sunday dinner of fried chicken or chicken and dumplings. D-E-L-I-C-I-O-U-S!!!! Seriously, good eatin’. We, also, always had fresh eggs. I know from expierence that chickens can actually be vicious. Approach a mother hen with tiny, little chicks and you might get a good pecking around the ankles if you’re lucky. I’ve seen mother hens take short-flights in the air, fiercely attacking the intruder who dared come close to their little ones. I’ve seen roosters fight over which one was the big cock-of-the-walk. Believe me, they are out  for blood.

I eavesdropped on my mom and dad sitting on the front porch on a summer’s day. I learned a LOT of things doing that. This is how I came to know that some of the locals were cockfighting. Never saw one. Never wanted to.

A couple of years ago, one of my neighbors got caught at a cockfight in the very place that my husband and I decided to drive that Sunday. At the time, we hadn’t put 2 and 2 together and let it sink in our heads that is where we were. Carl (named changed to protect my hide) was rounded up with about 30 others and hauled off to the pokey. They all had to go to court and pay fines.

Back to our Sunday ride. We followed a little narrow road that snaked by some really run down houses. I noticed a 3 legged dog but was no big thing. Lots of dogs have an injury or accident and lose a leg. It wasn’t until I saw 2 more of them in the same yard that I got this Twilight Zone feeling.

“Uhhh……maybe, we should get out of here”, I said to my husband.

“Why”…….apprarently I had married someone who was really stupid or not rattled by 3 legged dogs and KEEP OUT and BEWARE and ABSOLUTELY NO TRESPASSING….THIS MEANS YOU!” signs  of which some were decorated with skulls and crossbones, Oh, yeah…..the spelling was more like this:   Bewear…..Absalutly No Trespasing…This Meens You!

I was starting to feel a kinship with Ned Beatty on Deliverance…..excpet, it would be my husband they wanted.

“Do you remember the movie, Deliverance?”…I asked

“Yeah, a little bit”..he replied

“Do you remember what them good ol’ toothless boys did to Ned Beatty?”…I asked him.

“Not really, why?”, he replied

“Oh, no reason. I was just reminded of something in that movie,” I said with a smile. Why was I smiling. Hee Hee….my husband is not a movie buff. He barely remembers most movies. He did not remember what happened to Ned. So……if we got captured/kidnapped by toothless cockfighters…….I HAD A CHANCE TO RUN!!!!!! I’m not totally cold-hearted. I would have thrown him the little bottle of Victoria Secrets lotion that I kept in my purse.

I suggested to my husband several times that we turn around. Finally, he agreed and begin to look for somewhere to turn. Finally, a space big enough to turn around came up ahead of us. My husband pulled in, put the car in reverse…..and……Oh Lordy!  That’s when we noticed that there was a building hidden behind some trees. AND….we noticed Christmas lights were strung all along the fence. All yeah, there was the sign that said “You Must Be Identified by Ed or Earl” for admittance.OK, time to pull a full Nascar stunt and GO. Here’s where I need to mention that my husband had a brand new, white Jeep Cherokee 4-wheel drive. Just so happens that “the law” in this area drives nothing but new or fairly new 4-wheel SUV’s like Jeeps. Here’s where the heemiejeemiehairyscary part comes in. Running down the dirt driveway were two guys with shotguns. Just like a scence from a horror film.

“MOVE IT! MOVE IT!” I was seriously screaming at my husband (before I decided to duck so I couldn’t be seen or shot at).

Those guys were about 15 feet away from us and putting their shotguns up on their shoulders preparing to shoot our dumb asses. (well, not me…..I was hiding in the floorboard). No kidding!

Hubby turned the wheel sharply and floored it. We were off like The Dukes of Hazzard. But, all the way, we kept our eyes out for their cockfighting friends. Lots of backwoods people use CB radios.

I didn’t breathe, I don’t think, until we were out of their and back on the main hardtop road. Dude, that was some scary shit.

So, take my advice, don’t go around cockfighting operations at night…..or day.

PS I wanted to name the town but was seriously afraid of getting my ass whupped.

By now, y’all should know that Tavin is my favorite white trash redneck. He just so typical of our trailerpark men (and some women). So, I’m gonna share a damn good Halloween video starring Tavin with you. Here it is:

 This happened in my town at one of the few old-fashioned drive-in restaurants left anywhere today. I go there about twice a month. Wish I had been there when this happened.

Police: Man takes grandkids to drive-in on lawnmower with motorboat attached

By Amelia A. Pridemore
Register-Herald Reporter

Beckley police would have no problem with a man taking his grandchildren to a drive-in — if he weren’t driving a lawnmower with a motorboat hooked to it and four young children inside the boat.Just before 4 p.m. Saturday, police were called because a 61-year-old man was driving a lawnmower on North Vance Drive that had a 15-foot motorboat attached, Patrolman Jamie Blume said. Four children, all about 4 years old, were riding inside the boat.The man and the children were found at King Tut Drive-In on North Eisenhower Drive, Blume said. He told officers he only wanted to take his grandchildren “out for a spin” and to treat them to food at King Tut. The man had driven from his residence in nearby Bowling Addition.

The man was not cited, Blume said, and he was not believed to have willfully put his grandchildren in danger. However, he was given a verbal warning because the children were riding unsecured and near an area known for heavy traffic. He was also driving an unregistered, uninspected vehicle on city streets.

Blume said the man was told to call for someone else to pick up the children and have the children placed in proper child safety seats.

But it’s probably not as bad as a local high school teacher taking her horse for a trot. “Mousey” (she looked like a cartoon mouse)

 tied her horse to her car door handle and proceeded to drive down a main road at about 40-45 mph. She got caught before the horse died from exhaustion. Thank goodness.
 

It’s not to early to start practicing our Christmas songs. Here’s one that’s sure to be popular with the rednecks and white trash.

I actually know a women that did this. She suspected that her husband was cheating on her with a woman down the road. When he went to sleep one night, she superglued his pecker to his leg. Seriously.  He woke up in pain and realized what she had done to him. He wanted her to take him to the hospital. She refused until he admitted the affair. He did. But, she made him suffer for a while, about 4 hours. before she took him. I really don’t think that he will be out struttin’ his stuff again.

However, the other woman was not happy. For revenge, she waited until the day of their daughter’s wedding. She snuck and put a fish under their windshield wiper down in the groove where it wouldn’t be noticed around dark the night before. The temperature was HOT! The fish didn’t hold up too well. The morning of the wedding, one of the wedding party spotted something and the driver turned the wipers on only to have stinky, rotten fish smeared everywhere. Not to mention they had their windows down. Now, this came in handy when the crazy scorned lover threw a bucket of bleach water at the car from some bushes she was hidden in. Most of the wedding party got covered in bleach. Now they had stinky fish smell and bleach stains on their clothes. But, they had no choice but to proceed to the wedding. After the wedding, the bride’s mom was out for the kill. But, the chicken shit other woman had skipped town.

Aida (brides mom) told me that she was gonna just relax, plan, and lay in wait for her time for revenge. And, believe me, this woman DOES NOT forget.

To recap, I grew up dirt poor. Now, I’m WTWM. It’s nice to be able to buy things but I must admit that being dirt poor white trash had it’s benefits. Lots of stories and memories. Like the story about my mom’s FLINTSTONE JELLY JAR/GLASSES collection. They were almost excactly like the picture above. Every month when she went to the grocery store, she really looked forward to buying Welch’s grape jelly in order to get the latest Flinstone glass. Most people have china patterns from Lenox or Mikasa but not my mom. Her pattern was whatver the major companies was offering at the time for buying their products. I don’t think that we had a single towel that didn’t come out of a detergent box. I don’t know how many of you remember this, but back in the middle to late sixties, big detergent companies put a towel inside their box powder detergent. I can still remember how the towel made us sneeze even after being washed. There was so much detergent in that towel that we didn’t even need soap.

I like auctions and being WTWM, I can afford to outbid others if I really want something. That’s how I came to own six still-in-the-orignal-box glasses that were a Duz detergent promotion.They look like this……  I have them displayed in my china cabinet. I bought them because they reminded me of my mom’s glass collection. And, the story of the famous family incident with the Fred and Wilma glass.

We were only allowed to use these glasses at our Sunday special dinners (see prevous posts). And, we could not leave the table with them.

One day, my brothers and I were outside playing some rough and tumble game…..can’t remeber which one. Could have been cowboys and Indians or Tarzan and Jane or cops and robbers or one of our two favorites……throwing darts at our chickens or mining for gold using real hammers (which were taken away from us by my Dad after my crazy grandpa hit my younger brother in the head with our “gold hammer”!) It was hot and dusty and we were thirsty. We went in the house to get a drink of water when my older brother grabbed Fred and Wilma. As my other brother and I stood in a state of stunned paralysis, Ron filled the glass with tap water and began to drink it. “Ron, don’t use that glass. Mom will skin your hide if anything happens to it!”, my other brother said. Ron, though, being the little macho, showoff punk that he was decided to show off my throwing the glass up and catching it. I remember him saying, “I’m almost an adult and can take care of things but you little brats can’t. That’s why Mom won’t let us use these glasses. You brats break everything.” Meanwhile, his life lesson (life lessons is a whole other post) speech distracted his juggling the glass skills and……..you know what happened. Wilma and Fred hit the hard linoleum covered floor and broke into 2 or 3 pieces. OH SHIT! Now what? We were going to be in big trouble. All of us. That’s the way it went. If something bad happened and we were in a group of 2 or more, everybody took the blame.”Do something!” I was almost hysterical. WTF were we going to do? Then, Ron came up with a clever idea. He would make that paste that you can make out of flour and water and paste it back together. Surely, Mom would never notice. So, he did and put it on the pieces of broken glass and stuck them back together. But, something was wrong. The pieces wouldn’t stick and the glass would just fall apart again when he set it down. On to solution number two…..hide that damn thing somewhere. No…better yet. bury it. It so happened that we had an old cemetery very nearby. We figured if we buried it there, Mom would never find it. So, up the hill we went and bared handed dug a hole and buried that glass. Being the stupid numbskulls that we were, we never though that maybe, Mom would miss one of her six-set-collection.

Sunday rolled around. Mom cooked up our government issued mystery meat (see preious post WT #2), mashed potatoes, green beans, and biscuits. She sure was a good cook. We ate mostly things that came from our garden and those fresh vegatables were delicious. Then it came time for her to pour our special Sunday drink….red Kool-Aid….mmmmmm. Since there were seven of us in the family, my dad didn’t use the FJG, he always got one of the odds and ends other glasses. One glass poured….two glasses poured….3 glasses…4 glasses….5 glasses….6….uh oh…..she did notice that it was gone. Man, we were such idiots not to think she would notice.

“WHERE IS THE FRED AND WILMA GLASS?” she demanded to know.

 Since, the 3 of us had made a pact to keep the secret, no one spoke. “Now, I know this glass didn’t grow feet and walk out. What happened to it”…..she was revving up for a ass-kicking. Still, no one spoke. “Ok, everyone is going to go to their room after dinner and stay there until somebody tells me where my Fred and Wilma glass has gone”.  What she didn’t think about was the fact that the boys shared a room and the girls shared a room and it wasn’t that bad being sent to it. Especially since it was late Sunday evening and we had played all day and were ready for a nap anyway.

In the room with my two sisters (who knew nothing about the incident), I started feeling really bad about the glass. And, I felt even worse when my little sister started praying that Mom would find her jelly glass. “Dear Lord, please let my mommy find her jelly glass that she loves so much. And, please don’t let her get a switch and whip my butt” she prayed. Now, I was feeling really crappy. So, I did the only thing logical and quietly went down the steps to rat out my brother. “Mom”, I said, “It was Ron. HE broke your glass and he MADE us go bury it.”

Minutes later, Ron was getting a ass-whuping by way of a switch. Not so much for breaking the glass but for not ‘fessing up.

And then, my Mom made a statement that has become an all time family classis that is repeated often when my brothers and sisters get together and pour a drink……

“DAMN KIDS! CAN’T HAVE NOTHIN’ NICE!!!!!!”

We still get giggly when one of us says that. I thought about this event the other say when one of my daughters was messing in my china cabinet and pulled out one of the Duz glasses. I caught myself saying, “Put that back. Damn kids. Can’t have nothing nice!”

It’s second only to Christmas in this part of the woods…….HUNTIN’ SEASON. Or, as Yanks would say…..Hunting Season. This is the time of year that the good ol’ boys gear up, go out, and git ‘er done. Living back in the woods on 36 acres of land, I am surrounded by the sound of gunfire almost 24/7. Actually, this starts about a month before O Holy Deer Season due to all the gun practice that is so very necessary for Bubba, Jr. and the good ol’ boy posse. Soon, I’ll have the spectacular site of Bambis hanging from trees being drained of blood. YumYum…..nothing like fresh kill vittles. Actually, I refuse to take part in any of this. Don’t hunt it. Don’t skin it. Don’t drain it. Don’t cook it. Don’t eat it. I’ll leave that to Uncle Ted (Nugent) who’s motto is….”It’s dead, it’s red, it’s good for Uncle Ted”. In my freezer right now is a huge amount of boar meat that I refuse to cook. I will not touch that stuff. The boar story is a whole post in itself. I’ll tell it later. Just a small teaser……my husband shot the boar in the ass.

Now, anyone who is not familar with this redneck obsession doesn’t have a clue as to the massive planning and details that go into this annual testosterone powered event. Not saying that there are not female hunters because there are. My neighbor, his wife, and his daughter were all hunters. Their grand-daughter turned 5 this summer and soon will be joining in the family fun. God’s honest truth…..her first outfit to come home from the hospital was a tiny, little camo shirt and pants. No joke. Grandpa bought it and she can be seen in her camo still in the hospital room with “PawPaw” beaming proudly. I’m just surpised that they didn’t buy her a cap gun to go with it.

I’m wandering off topic. Back to the preparations and the goat story.

First, any good hunter worth his chewing tobacco must have a tree stand. The picture shows just one kind. Others have chairs built in. The purpose of this dandy little item is to give the hunter the opportunity/pleasure of putting up the stand (which can be expensive and time consuming) for the purpose of standing or sitting for hours up in a tree to spot that dangerous predator…..the deer. My son-in-law has one down in one of our fields as I speak. For the life of me, I cannot figure out how anyone could get their jollies doing this. And, being that tree stands are located in the woods, do hunters not realize that sooner or later they will have to urinate? Deer can smell humans……and human urine. So, let’s assume BillyBob has sit on that cold, hard metal seat (or stood) in usally quite cold temperatures only to  literally  piss the deer off.

. City boys coming up on a serious hunter in the woods would get a sinking feeling in their stomach and flash back to the movie, “Deliverance”. Squeal like a pig, son.

 All cavemen hunters must have the proper attire and equipment to take part in this manly ritual. An ATV….the bigger the better. Camo orange sunglasses (why..I haven’t a clue). Bass Pro Shop cash registers ring , ring, ring tallying up all the gear. And no, that picture is not Max Factor…..it is hunter make-up. Any fashion conscious hunter must have this trio of make-up  camo fact paint. This is another ritual that I can not figure out. Do they really believe that deer cannot see them because they have green, blue, pink, etc on their face? Or is it possible….just possible, that these guys are dressing up and wearing make-up for each other? Hmmmm…..makes sense. After all, during huntin’ season almost all the males are out in the woods and staying in camps for days on end with each other.

During this season, our homes, stores, restaurants, etc become inhabited and frequented by almost all females. If an alien landed, it would soon come to the assumption that we are all homosexuals/gay in this area. All the men with their kind and all the women left to congregate with each other left behind.

More on all this later. Now, to the goat.

One of my neighbors raises cows, horses, and goats. Last season, a drunk (did I mention that all this actiivity requires huge consumption of alcohol?) hunter wandered into the livestock fields. Said hunter had spent several days hunting (aka getting liquored up) mistook one of the neigbor’s goats for a deer and shot it. Chaos ensued. Lots of loud yelling and cussin’ followed by neighbor chasing hunter around with a load of buckshot threatening to blow some buckshot up his ass.

Aw yes…….the fun and excitement of hunting season.

“Look hon, I shot a goat!”