Tales from the Trailerpark

No, this is not a girl. IS HE SERIOUS?????? Give this guy some Valium PDQ!

I’m lazy. I’ll admit it. If there is an easy way out of anything, I’ll find it.

So, when I saw this Must Have gadget on the internet, I bought it. It was a cordless pedicure set and a foot sander for smoothing your feet by removing rough skin.

As, I said, I’m lazy. I let the gadget sit around here for a long while before I decided to give it a try. I was watcing TV last nite and decided to get my gadget and try it out.

One part is a small wand-like thing that you put different heads on to do a pedicure. First, I got out this head that was narrow and had a pointed end. I used it to clean and buff the sides of my toenails. I was pleased with the results so I decided to try another one. I put on a head that was bigger and had a rounded end. I buffed my toenails to a pure white with it. Hey, this was fun!

Then, I got out the big  monster machine. (not pictured). It resemebled the sander my husband uses on woodwork.

I buffed the heck out of the bottom of my feet. Then, I got a really great idea. If it buffed dead skin so well, I’d try it on my legs. They were a little dull looking from not moisturizing lately. I proceeded and put the sanding machine on my leg. Dead skin started flying everywhere. You girls know what I’m talking about. It’s a real rush when you see all of that dead skin coming off of you. That’s why so many women go to day salons….the rush of the old crap coming off. Soon, I could see a small pile of white on my hardwood floor. Now, I was enthusiastic! I could just buff off all the old skin and have nice, smooth, young-looking skin. I did my legs. They were kinda of burning but I figured this was just a temporary price that I’d have to pay. So, now what…..MY FACE! OMG! This could be like have laser treatment or something. I tried it on my forehead. OUCH! It hurt there. But, I figured….no pain, no gain and did some more. Then, I put the machine on  my chin (which also hurt like hell). I couldn’t take anymore face pain and decided to quit.

But, I didn’t want to quit. So, I buffed my toenails again. But, they started looking a little uneven and weird. So, I stopped that.

Looking at all the dead skin on the floor had me in a dead skin removal frenzy by now. So, I decided to go over my legs one more time. This time around, the pain was greater. But being the genius that I am, I figured it just meant that I was getting down to the nice, fresh layer of skin. So, I continued to buff….and watch Fox News. Bill O’ was talking about moveon.org….those traitors. It’s just not right to bash your leaders while at war whether you agree with them or not. What kind of message is this sending Bin Laden and Al Quida? That we are a country torn apart. Maybe, we are a country in conflict but we should not be broadcasting that for every cave dweller who hates us to know. The moveon.org thing was pissing me off. I tend to talk to the televsion when I’m pissed. This time I was shouting…..and buffing. In the middle of a “you dirty traitor assholes”  I felt an uncomfortable sensation coming from my right leg. I looked down and saw that my leg had a huge, red, raw looking circle on it. Uh-oh! I’d better quit. I decided to put my magic beauty machine away for the night. But, there was one problem. When I went to get up off of the sofa, my legs were screaming in pain. Crapola! Looks like I had gotten a little carried away. I went into the bathroom and got some medicated lotion for them. Came back, sit down, and proceeded to put the lotion on. OMG! OMG! OMG! IT BURNT! Once again, I figured it was just a temporary stinging. So, I put some on my face.

Done with that, I decided to scrap my heels with the thingy pictured below. It’s like a razor encased in a plastic handle.  Watching, Hannity and Combs, I must have scrapped for a good 30 minutes.

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By then, I figured that I had some really fresh skin showing all over. So, I quit buffing, scrapping, picking, and poking.

I woke up this morning feeling like I had been in a car wreck where I was thrown out upon impact and skidded down the highway for several miles. I could harly move. I looked at my legs and they were raw. My heels looked like they were going to bleed any second. Big uh oh! I limped out of bed and went to the bathroom. There I caught a glimpse of my face. It looked like I had been shout with alien lazers.

Now, I am sitting. Sitting because anything else is too painful.

Damn you magic beauty machine. And, damn you, moveon.org!

 Hallway to Nightmares

I use to take Ambien and boy, did I have some whacko dreams. I’d get that weird half awake-half paralyzed state. You know…..when you are aware of yourself laying in the bed but unable to move. CREEPY! DISTURBING 

I gave up the Ambien. Well, actually I ran out. I couldn’t see going to a doctor and paying him/her a hundred bucks for a ’scipt. Then, going to a pharmacy and forking out another hundred bucks for pills that made me have awful dreams every night. 

For a while, I went back to the insomnia. But, the insomnia beat the hell out of those horrible dreams. But, something is going on in my brain/life. The dreams have started again.

Saturday nite, I dreamed that I killed someone. The someone was a girl who was my daughter’s best friend in high school. I don’t know why I dreamed this. I was looking for a lawyer. I had already confessed. WTF?

Last night was a really, really bizarre dream. I was driving on an interstate….going south. The vehicle was some type of SUV but not my SUV in real life. I had to cross a bridge and kept swearing very close to the edge, jerking away just as I was about to drive off. Two little black girls showed up suddenly in the SUV. They had braids and little cotton dresses on. They also had on fancy white socks with lace around the tops and white patent leather shoes. I never questioned who they were or where they came from. They just were. They looked kinda like this.

I kept on driving and saw a sign that said “CHARLOTTE NC”. So, I figured that’s where I was going. I kept taking the wrong turns and drove around for a long time almost in circles on what appeared to be levels of a huge parking garage. I finally got out of the garage and immediately found myself on green grass a few hundred feet away from the door of an old, run down red barn. I glanced toward the back of my car and found it totally piled with stuff…..clothes, trash, books, etc. I pulled over next to the barn to clean it out. I was folding the clothes when I remember that during this trip, somebody had given me 3 very small kittens.

I begin to wonder where they were. I thought they might be in the piles of junk and started looking. I found one under one of the little girls. She had sat on it and smashed it flat as a pancake. So, I frantically looked for the other two. One other had been squashed either by one of the girls or all the junk. I finally found the last one. It was alive and meowing a lot and very loud. I pulled it out of  a pile of clothes and it bit me. I dropped it and it ran away. I looked for it and couldn’t find it.

Then, I was sitting in the grass alone. The two girls had walked over and went into the barn. I put my head in my hands and cried. I didn’t know where I was. I didn’t even know how I got there. And, I didn’t know what to do.

Then, I woke up.

These dreams are so detailed and real that I can remember them for a long, long time. The details stay strong.

I don’t like these dreams.

Why can’t I dream happy dreams????

If anyone has a comment, please leave one. I don’t care if it’s a serious one or a funny one. A funny one might make me laugh at the dream. Right now, it just confuses me.