In my mail today, I got a catalog with this on the front…..”We’ve Got Your Size!” Really? How do they know my size?  Size of what? Hoagie? Bowling shoes? Surely, not undies!

Next, I got, “Do You Need A F*ck Buddy? We Have One For You!”  Who has the job of looking in my bedroom window? I want to know right now. I feel violated knowing that someone is watching me lounge around in my “The SKy Is Falling” chicken pjs. Sure they are cute…..little yellow chickes with hands over little chicken eyes, looking upward and just waiting to get hit on the beak by a piece of sky. But, they are private wear not peeping Tom wear. If I have to call 911, what cop is going to believe that somebody would peep at a chick wearing chick pjs?

Then, here’s one of my favorites:

“Do you want to add 4-6 inches?”……To what? Height, hipgs, boob, kitchen counter space, my hair? Surely, they could n’t be talking about a “noodle”. I don’t have one. And, after recieivng the following email below, I absolutely do not want one.

BLACK EDITION SPECIAL
THIS IS A LIMITED TIME OFFER!
This is the best deal around. We dare you to compare!!!
The EcoExtender includes the most spare parts on eBay!

What’s included??

- Instructional CD-ROM
- LIFE TIME Warranty
- EcoExtender Instructional Booklet
- All New Durable Super Comfort Straps
- Lots of Comfort Pads
- Special Deluxe Support Piece
- Complete Spring Loaded Base Assembly
- Fast & Very Discreet Shipping
- Sets of 2 inch & 3 inch Extension Rods
- Maximum achievable length of 10.5 inches

Total achievable length including the base & spring assembly is 10.5″ in flaccid length!

This revolutionary device comes with a 1 inch wide Soft and Strong Silicone Comfort Strap that comfortably secures the head of the penis unlike the penis choking noose!

 

 

 Stay away from penis extenders that use plastic tubes/ropes that choke your penis.Achieve spectacular results with this amazing Penis Extender! This incredible medical device quickly and painlessly enlarges your penis to any size you desire!

OR: (Sorry no picture available for this one)

 

ACTUAL PENIS ENLARGEMENT GADGETS:

Supplies for making The Captn’s Wench

All of the following items can be purchased almost anywhere: Wal-Mart, Home-Depot, Lowes, etc.

You will need:

• 1 X 10″x2″ strip of Industrial Strength VELCRO brand Tape with sticky back*
• 2 X 1″x2″ rectangles of Grippers (Soft Touch by Waxman)**
• 1 X 1 to 3 feet of 1″ wide nylon strap
• 1 X medium CableClamp brand clamp

Tools:

• Scissors
• Ruler

* You must use this very product for the Wench to succeed. Only the Industrial Strength version will suffice. It is sold in a 4 foot quantity (black or white) for apprx $6.00 at Wal-Mart and other stores.

** This product is sold in several sizes: 1″x2″ rectangles, 1″x4″ rectangles, and 6″x6″ squares. It is a “hard rubber” product with a sticky backing and a textured front that works ideally for this device. However, it can be substituted with a like material provided it has a thickness of 1/4″: Hard Rubber, soft plastic, balsa wood, (you may need to apply a silicone film to the front face of slicker surfaces). I highly recommend using Gripper rectangles.

OUCHOUCHOUCHOUCHOUCHOUCHOUCH!!!!

Then, I have “Choose your diet’s daily tip”. OK….is this peeping Tom telling me that I’m fat? How very rude!!!!!!

 These peeping Toms had better mind their p’s and q’s. Because, just as soon as my check clears to Mr. Robert Chambers, Esqire, I will be receiving millions of dollars that was left to my by a kind, elderly widow who is on her death bed in Nigeria. Then, I’ll hire a “Need a PI  from the firm of “ Find Out If Your Spouse Is Cheating” firm and track down these peeping Toms who are invading my private space.

And, if all else fails, I’ll train this puppy to be a guard dog just as soon as my $650 check to Tommy Mark clears:

From: Tommy Mark
To: Arthur Dent
Date: February 25, 2006
Subject: Puppy for sale

my is clement i am from barrytown(new york) but due to work presntly i was just been transfered about couple of days for a missionary purpose in west africa.right now i am still located in republic of benin where am carrying out my missionary assignment and due to tight assignment i found myself i don’t have much time to take good care of my puppy like i use to,and so also the environment that the puppy found her self here in republic of benin is too harsh. therefore have decided to give out the puppy to a good caring person that would treat my puppy with a tender care and a well family interraction.

the puppy is well breed and the puppy has a current vaccination,vet exams,health certificate and 1year guarantee.the puppy has potty trained,home raise and socialized for tremendious attitude.well and excellent temparamented.the puppy has super trainability and people pleasing personality.the puppy is given a high learning a delight elegance of structure and well dewormed.the dog has C.K.C,A.K.C and F.C.I Registered.am offering the puppy out at $650 each one including the shipment.and i have attack the pics of my puppy, and i will like to attach the pic of mine self.

i will like to hear from you as soon as possible.Thanks AND GOD BLESS.

 This is another ad for adding inches to my non-existant member: A Do-IT-YOURSELF-KIT ACTUAL PENIS ENLARGEMENT GADGETS:

Supplies for making The Captn’s Wench

All of the following items can be purchased almost anywhere: Wal-Mart, Home-Depot, Lowes, etc.

You will need:

• 1 X 10″x2″ strip of Industrial Strength VELCRO brand Tape with sticky back*
• 2 X 1″x2″ rectangles of Grippers (Soft Touch by Waxman)**
• 1 X 1 to 3 feet of 1″ wide nylon strap
• 1 X medium CableClamp brand clamp

Tools:

• Scissors
• Ruler

* You must use this very product for the Wench to succeed. Only the Industrial Strength version will suffice. It is sold in a 4 foot quantity (black or white) for apprx $6.00 at Wal-Mart and other stores.

** This product is sold in several sizes: 1″x2″ rectangles, 1″x4″ rectangles, and 6″x6″ squares. It is a “hard rubber” product with a sticky backing and a textured front that works ideally for this device. However, it can be substituted with a like material provided it has a thickness of 1/4″: Hard Rubber, soft plastic, balsa wood, (you may need to apply a silicone film to the front face of slicker surfaces). I highly recommend using Gripper rectangles.

OUCHOUCHDOUBLEOUCH……Hmmm…..wonder if they sell one for boobs?

 

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