Tales from the Trailerpark

As far as I know, there is none! SORRY to trick you.

I’m competing with my friend for blog hits. Couldn’t think of a single thing that would draw more hits.

Dirty trick? Yeah. Sometimes, ya just gotta do this stuff in life.

Take the guys on To Catch A Predator…..not only perverts, but lying perverts….about thier age. Not that I’m gonna be on To Catch A Predator or want to be compared to them. They are just the first liars that came to mind.

Oooohooohooooh…..Just thought of something. Lindsay Lohan is a liar. Maybe. I guess the truth will come out on her lastest escapade sooner or later. But, I’m just happy that I could fit her into the post since she’s in the title.And, I made her shorter and heavier. Maybe, I should title this picture…..Lindsay after 10 years locked in a rehab.

 OK I feel the need to put something in here about Michael Vick. Guilty? Not guilty? Presumed innocent until proven guilty. Wasn’t all the dead dogs on his property proof enough? We shall see. We shall see, indeed.

I just spent an hour and a half writing a post. Illustrated it with pictures. It might sound smug, but it was a damn good and funny post.

I hit “save and continue editing” and guess WTF happened when I hit preview…….a damn  ERROR 404…NOT FOUND!

Sumabitches!!!!!

I can remember when menopause was a taboo subject. Only whispered about over fences in the backyard or at family reunions.

“Shelia, listen, did you hear that Mary is having hot flashes?” whispered at a church dinner

“Shhhh…..she’ll hear you and you know what can happen when a women goes through the change of life. She could kill us.” whispered back.

“Yeah, I heard that she went a little crazy last week and made cold sandwiches for Joe’s dinner. Can you believe that?” said in hushed tones.

Now, menopause discussion is as common as talking about the weather. There are even stage shows dedicated to menopause.

For a rocking good time, bring your girlfriends to Menopause The Musical.

Oh, and bring the waterproof mascara because you’ll laugh so hard, you’ll cry.  With humor and compassion, writer, producer and lyricist Jeanie Linders has captured the experiences of Everywoman in her 40s and 50s. Remember all those great songs of the 50s, 60s and 70s–full of love and teenaged angst?  Linders has rewritten their lyrics to reflect our mature experience, exploring the ways in which our bodies, our emotions and our spirits change with the Change. When you don’t recognize yourself in these hilarious lyrics, you’ll recognize a friend.

Kathryn Conte has directed an energetic production that engages its audience from the opening battle over a black bra on sale at Bloomingdale’s through the cleverly-staged dressing room finale that affirms the common experiences and friendships of women. Miranda Clark’s set is Bloomie’s-elegant and versatile, giving the action scope for all the shopping, dining and dancing the new friends enjoy. Co-director, Patty Bender, choreographs so well that the audience literally rocks in their seats along with the movements of the actors, until invited onstage to dance in earnest at the musical’s close.

And songs:

Of course, bumper stickers…….  

Real women don’t have hot flashes, they have power surges.

And of course, the inevitable jokes and joke lists:

SIGNS THAT YOU MIGHT BE EXPERIENCING MENOPAUSE

* You sell your home heating system at a yard sale. (Hot flashes)

* The person you sleep with complains about snow piling up on the bed. (Nightsweats)

* Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him. (Mood swings)

* You write post-it notes with your kid’s names on them. (Memory loss)

* Your husband chirps, “Hi honey, I’m home.” and you reply, “Well, if it isn’t Ozzie f*cking Nelson”. (Irritability)

* The phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven’s Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest. (Sleeplessness)

* You find Guacamole in your hair after a Mexican dinner. (Fatigue)

* You change your underwear after every sneeze. (Mild incontinence)

* You need Jaws Of Life to help you out of your car after returning home from an Italian restaurant. (Sudden weight gain)

* You ask Jiffy Lube to put you up on a hoist. (Dryness)

* You take a sudden interest in “Wrestlemania”. (Female hormone deficiency)

And of course, menopause needs a poem about it:

The Change

My sweetheart just turned forty-five,
And I love her, oh, so dearly.
But I’m a little mystified,
Since she’s acting, oh, so queerly.

“Oh, it’s nothing that you’ve said or done,”
She assures me, ever sweetly.
“My Change Of Life has now begun.”
Then, she smiles and winks discreetly.

Smiling back, I take her hand,
Reassuring and placating.
In truth, I didn’t understand
A thing that she was stating!

Just what she meant by “Change Of Life”
I didn’t have a clue!?
And when I asked my darling wife
Into a rage she flew!

“Well, I’m always tired! I’m hot! I’m cold!
I didn’t sleep last night!
I’m fat! I’m ugly! I’m getting old!
My clothes don’t fit me right!

I think I’d like to KILL you,
And I’d love to run away!
But I know how that would thrill you,
So, for spite, I think I’ll stay!

My body’s turned against me,
And I want to SCREAM again!
My hormones have convinced me
That this “Change” is caused by MEN!

Yes, you just sit there smiling
While I’m going through pure hell!
You think you’re so beguiling?
You think I couldn’t tell?

This is some cruel joke you play!
It’s all your fault, no doubt!
You never loved me anyway
You selfish, brutish, lout!”

Yes, my sweetheart just turned forty-five,
And she changes by the hour.
Like Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde
She goes from sweet to sour!

But I’ve been told, “This is a phase.”
They say, “This, too, shall pass.”
So, I’ll remember better days,
‘Till they come again…..
AT LAST!!!

P.Weller
Zenia, CA.
 

* You’re on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendales. (Hormone therapy)

YOU FEEL HOT, NOW YOU CAN LOOK HOT…….

Midlife is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down.

This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.

In Midlife women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans.

We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts; we are flying squirrels in drag.

So, we have songs, shirts, slogans, plays……..WTF is our NATIONAL HOLIDAY!!!!!

Pediophiles. Scum of the earth. Should be castrated.I’ve written about this before but feel the need to do so again. Do you have any idea how many child molesters are on the internet? You might think you do but I’ll bet the actual facts would shock you. Sexual molesters of children have their own forums and websites. If you don’t believe me, check this out:

Chester Molester Hangout

A while back, I came across a forum called Alice Lovers while looking for some ideas on photographing my grand-daughter. Innocent search but boy, what I found! Alice Lovers made me sick to my stomach. It was a forum for pediophiles aka “girl lovers”. These disgusting perverts were advising each other on where and how to meet little girls. And, just in case you are getting a picture of Chester and Ben as old, filty dudes jacking off at kid’s picture, I wanna tell you that this is wrong. These “men” (perverts) are right among all of us…..teachers, doctors, writers, professors, child photographers, etc. One guy was even a children’s party clown.

I wanna get these guys off of the internet. I joined the forum under a screen name and went to the threads to see what I could find out. I underestimated these scumbags. They are weary of newbies and went out of their way to refer to me (screen name) as often as possible. The reason for this is they soon became aware that I was reading and not posting. I just couldn’t bring myself to post on there. No way. So, knowing they were on to me, I decided to try another tactic. I began emailing the media with the site name. I emailed CNN, Fox News, Oprah, Nancy Grace, Montel Williams, Perverted Justice and……nothing. I emailed again and still heard nothing from any of them. I guess they are not interested until a child really gets hurt by these scumballs.

Here is what I learned. These offenders visit all kinds of websites to see pictures of little girls. These are websites that you might think are innocent and protected but they are not. They visit child modeling sites, mother’s forums, family picture sites, and many others. Be very careful of ever posting your child’s picture on the internet.

WARNING…..THIS IS OFFENSIVE AND DISGUSTING…….WARNING

These perverts not only advised each other on the best places to meet kids but how to “alter” a doll and pretend it is a kid when they “enjoy” it. Do not underestimate these pervs. They are twisted but smart. They know how to approach children and not scare them. They know how (and do) to locate a child from a website. They have their pre-practiced speeches for little girls to convince them why it’s not wrong when the guy next door wants to touch them.

But, here is the shocker. None of this is illegal. It’s protected under free speech laws.

Do ya wanna get rid of them? If you can stomach it, go to their perverted forums and sites. Join and just observe. They will know when you are there and will know if you are not posting. They will be very suspicious of you. If enough of us do this, they might become paranoid enough to slow this stuff down. I don’t think they will quit…..ever. But, we can let them know that we are aware of them. Send emails to the media. If enough emails come in, the media might cover this before an innocent child gets harmed.

Do it for the sake of the kids.

/ MY CLEO 

The blue-haired demon 

This is my new best friend. Her name is Cleopatra and she talks to you in a very sultry voice. Cleo and I became friends on my first night staying at a gaming/horetrack resort in Chester, West Virginia. The name of the place is Mountaineer Race Track and it is like a mini-Las Vegas. 3,200 slot machine on one floor. Of course, 3,100 are “spoken for” by little old blue-haired ladies who look like sweet grandmas. Don’t let the look fool ya. They will rip your eyes out and stomp on them if you touch their machine.

I always looked around several times before sitting down at one of the machines.

The one above, Cleo, didn’t seem to be very popular so I figured that I wouldn’t have my ears chewed off if I played that one.

Now, I have to tell you that I knew nothing about playing slot machines. I figured you just put in money, pushed the button, and win or lost. But, it’s more complicated than that. You gotta figure out how many plays you want to make and how many lines you want to choose.

Not knowing this, I just started putting money in. Cleo is a quarter a try but quarters won’t go in so ya gotta put a dollar. I put my dollar in and just started hitting buttons. Bells rang, doors on the screen opened, and Cleo told me that I was doing fantastic. Ok…..she must know what she’s talking about so I kept playing. And, I didn’t have a clue if I was losing, winning, or just hanging in. Finally my daughter came over and said that she thought I had won some money. So, I hit the cash out button out of curiousity, took my ticket, and looked at it. I had won $100 bucks. Hey….this was too easy. So, I put another dollar in Cleo (did I mention that she is my new best friend) and hit the buttons at random again. I kept winning bonus rounds. Lots of them. Out of curiousity, I decided to hit the check out and get my slip.

$41 more dollars. YIPPIE

I went back over to Cleo again but one of the blue-haired terrorist who has been watching me had grabbed my place. I waited awhile and when she wasn’t showing any intention of leaving, I decided to call it a night. Beginners luck, I told myself. I walked away promising myself that I would not get sucked in to this slot machine stuff.

All the next morning, I managed to fight the urge even though Cleo was calling to me in her sultry voice. Finally, early in the evening, I couldn’t take it anymore. I was not strong enough. I had to feed the beast. Awwww.Cleo was alone. I made a mad dash to her endangering my very wellbeing because some of the blue-haired gang was sitting nearby. Just as I got there, a blue-hair tried to nudge me away but I wouldn’t move. I thought, “Just go ahead and try to take me down, old woman. I’m ready to rock and roll for Cleo”. Luckily, she backed down first cuz she probably could’ve kicked my ass.

Put a dollar in Cleo and same thing happened…..bells, whisltes, hushed whispers of encouragement from Cleo. Lots and lots of bonus rounds. I figured it was time to see if I had won anything. Pulled the ticked and looked at it……$37.00 more bucks! Hey now….I’m getting ready to check flight schedules to Vegas. I decided to try Cleo again, and I swear, that sweetie gave me another $40 bucks!

I got up to cash in my tickets and when I got back the blue-haired demon and taken my spot. So, I figured she hit the bucks, too and I’d never get Cleo back. She played and played and played. Nada…..haha….she lost money. But, she wouldn’t give up so after waiting around for about an hours, I decided to call it a night.

This morning, I decided to play Cleo one more time before leaving. I slipped a fiver into Cleo this time and……she took my damn money! I figured that was just a fluke and gave her another five. SH*T….she ate my money whole without even swallowing.

I walked away feeling very depressed. I had lost my mojo. That blue-haired demon had hexed me and made me lost my mojo.

With one last broken heart look at Cleo, I walked out the door vowing never to return.

Well, maybe never. Never is a strong word.

Anybody wanna go play slots with me???????

So, here I am at Chester, WV. Chester is at the very tip of WV’s northern panhandle. It you go five miles in one direction you are in that state of Ohio. In the other direction at five miles is Ohio.

I am at Mountaineer Gaming Resort. It took 6 1/2 long boring-ass hours to get here. The last leg of the trip was a 2 lane winding typical WV backwoods road. Just as we thought for sure that we were going the wrong way, we spot a huge building that turned out to be the hotel. Turning in on the right was the biggest fitness center that I have ever seen. Turning into the parking lot was a race track. with tiny little men working around. JOCKEYS!!!! Yeah…pock jocks  Horsetrack! Whoohoo!

We walked into the lobby and I was really surpise to see a Las Vegas type deco…..big water fountain, 3-4 old antique cars and pics of bigtime mobsters from the past. Al Capone’s portrait is HUGE. It kinda gave me the creeps because it reminded me of that big hotel in the The Shining where Jack Nicholson goes bonkers and kills his family!  The next thing you see is row after row after row (lots of rows) of slot machines. I felt a strong urge to go stick all my money in. But, we had to find our room, get settled, etc.

Found our room and got settled  in. Spiffed up a bit and headed downstairs to see what was down there. There is a nice day spa, 4 restaurants and a bar. The bar was featuring an Elvis impersonatior. I think the period of Elvis that he was imitating was the “after death” Elivs. OMG! Skinny, old man with white jumpsuit and Elvis wig. He looked more like wrinkled-ass Keith Richards than Elvis. Just imagine KR in an E wig and tight white jumpsuit minus the ciggie in his mouth. Voila’…our Elvis impersonator.

Then, we hit the slot machines. I’ve played slots before but it was several years back. These machines (a gazillion of them) were more sophisticated……no one-armed bandits.Button press. So, I stuck a dollar into one and got three spins. LOSER Zilch….another dollar….loser…..3 more dollars….no  wins. This went on until I only had a couple of bucks left. Let me expalin to you here that I have an addictive personality. I don’t do Lottery scratch-offs because I know that I’d be spending utility bill money and have my power and water cut off. But, fortunately, I had only taken $25 bucks with me downstairs. Down to five bucks.Hell, might as well give the heartless bastard machines that ,too. Desperate to make my few dollars last, I headed for the 5 cent lots….20 turns for a buck. Stuck my greenback in and hit the Spin button. Down to 30 cents in the machine, I hit something and the machine started blowing bells and whistles and going zonkers.

Being a slot machine virign, I thought that I had lost but the machine started rolling the lines inside around and around. Did this for about 30 seconds and stopped. Then I heard a noise like change clicking and clacking. About that time, my daughter came over and I said what does this mean? She said that I had won over a hundred dollars. There was a man and a woman sitting on either side of me who had been playing the machines for hours. The guy looked at me and said, “Hell, you didn’t even know what you were doing, did you?” I said no and he explained that I had to pull out the ticket and take it to the cashier. I did and cashed it out for $130.00 dollars!!!!

WOO HOO WOO HOO…..I was a winner. It was getting late so I decided to take the money and leave.  BUT……..on the way out of the casio, I spotted a 2 cent lottery machine. 2 cents? I didn’t even know that  5 cent machines  existed much less 2 cent machines. I talked my daughter into waiting just a minute so I can could try one just for the heck of it. This machine was complicated. Lots of pictures and options. I stuck a dollar in which gave me 50 trys. You have to hit one button then another button. One button picks your line and one picks how many bets you want to place on that line. I didn’t have a clue how it worked but a nice man next to me explained it. So, I start doing the button thing and on the second try, I hit some kind of bonus round and the machine started spinning by itself. And kept on spinning and spinning. Finally, it stopped and the little number box started chaning….and growing. It kept on and on. People were watching. I was tired and just wanted to finish the game. BUT, it gave me a bazillion more plays. CRAP! I just wanted to go to bed.

The lady next to me heard me mumbling under my breath about having to sit in front of that machine for a lot more time. She said that I didn’t have to. I could cash in my “chances” or whatever you call them. So, I took the ticket and went to the cashier winning. He said “Did YOU win again”. I said that I thought I had but I wasn’t sure. He took my ticket and gave me back $56 bucks. Holy moly….I had won for the second time and didn’t know it. Now, I had the fever. Thank God my daughter was with me and talked me into walking away with my winnings. So, I had spent $24 and had won around $160!!!!!! Minus the $24 that I spend and I was up $136.00!!!!

I have been up since 6:30. I have gambing fever. My daughter is here for a conference for work. I’m waiting until she leaves. The slots machines are like singing sirens calling my name. Wondering how long I can resist before I’m sitting down there between 2 elderly blue-haired ladies.

 Wish me lucK!

Just in case anybody wonders where I am (yeah, like you would LOL), I’ll be gone until Wednesday nite. Going to Chester WV to a work related conference. The only thing to do after hours there is visit the casino. Uh oh…..I have a addictive personality. When I start something, I have a hard time quitting it.

Hope I don’t lose the shirt on my back. Or, more important, my house, car, etc.

But, on the other hand, I could come back loaded.

At Wal-Mart, I saw a Harely Davidson with a handicap license and sticker.  parked in a handicapped parking spot.  WTF?

I saw a boy who was quite chubby and looked to be about 5-6 years old sucking a pacifier. WTF?

I saw a very obese woman (we’re talking huge here) trying out a ATV at a local cycle shop. WTF?

Also at Wal-Mart, I saw a lady that I know who is heavily botoxed and had several plastic surgeries riding a Rascal (electrical wheel-chair like ride). It looked strange. WTF?

On Geraldo (ugh…don’t like him but he has current stories), I saw a story about a couple who almost let their children starve due to their addiciton to Dungeons and Dragons. This calls for 2….WTF? WTF????!!!!!

Also, on Geraldo, I saw a piece done about infidelity. This made me really laugh (with disgust) considering that G has been married like a gazillion times and has cheated on all of his gazillion wives. WTF?

In line at a local retail store (not Wal-Mart this time) I saw a very unkempt, kinda overweight woman with two crying kids wearing a shirt that said, “I Dig Scrawny White Guys”. WTF?

I saw my blog stats skyrocket due to Tammy Faye Messner. Thank you, Tammy Faye. But, WTF?

I saw a toothless neighbor eating a huge jawbreaker….WTF?

Don’t know if I was just being extra-observant today or this was just a big WTF? day.

I’m gonna pay attention tomorrow and see if it’s gonna be a WTF? day, too.

Had any WTF? moments lately? Post ‘em. I’d love to read them.

Tammy Faye Bakker Messner died just a couple of days after this interview. Although, her appearance was shocking, she showed a lot of bravery and grace. How many people would be willing to go on a national television show in this condition after years of being known for setting her own style. I guess Tammy Faye chose to show us all her last style…..that of a dying woman still wanting to tell other’s about God.

When asked if she was scared, at first, she said, “No”. But, when prompted by LK, she admitted that she was “a little bit”. I’m glad that she shared that. After years of being in the ministry, that was a courageous thing to do.  Now I know that it’s OK to be a little bit scared when you die. Thank you for that, Tammy Faye.

Back when the PTL scandal was the big news, Tammy Faye was the butt of a lot of jokes and gossip. I admit that I joined in this. The stories of the air-conditioned dog house, the lavish life-style, and luxury automobiles made me think very lowly of Jim and Tammy Bakker. And, I felt this way for a long time. When she came on the Surreal Life, at first, I was disgusted. But, I watched a few episodes and started to like Tammy. She came across as compassionate and kind. She was not judgmental and accepted all of the people in the Surreal House….including porn star, Ron Jeremy. It made me question myself about the judgment that I did of others.

Although, still not a TF fan, I did begin to have a new-found respect for her.  Then after seeing her being first interviewed on Larry King after being diagnosed with the recurring cancer, I became a sorta Tammy Faye fan. I found myself rooting for her. Then one day, for unexplainable reasons, I felt an overpowering urge to write her an email. I felt a need to apologize for taking part in the cruel jokes and damning gossip. I am not naiive and I do know that she lived the lavish lifestyle as well as Jim Bakker. Did she know that people were being swindleled out of their hard-earned savings to fund her lifestyle and Jim’s prostitue romps? I don’t know. But, that doesn’t matter anymore. Watching Tammy Faye on Larry King, I saw a woman who really loves the Lord and wanted to tell everybody about it.

While watching “One Nation Under Punk”, the documentary on Jamie Bakker and his Revolution Church, I would take notice of how much she loved her children and they in return loved her.

Youtube has several videos of the Larry King interview….but most have no sound. Isn’t that fitting….the day that Tammy Faye dies, the videos go silent.

RIP Tammy Faye Messner…..you were one of a kind,

I love to get revenge. Now, don’t get me wrong. I would never really hurt someone physcially or damage their character.

No, my acts of revenge are pretty tame. Just enough to satisfy my bloodlust.

One of my best ways to get revenge is through the use of sprinkles/glitter. Glitter is a really hard thing to get out of your hair or off of your clothes. I use to carry a couple of tubes in my purse….just in case. But, what I actually ended up doing most of the time with the glitter was putting it in the envelope with my payment to somebody. I would only put it in envelopes of people or businesses who had given me a hard time or really pissed me off. BUT, my most enjoyable times with mailing glitter was when I would get junk mail….lots of junk mail. I would open the junk mail and switch the contents. Pour in a about 1/2 teaspoon of glitter. Mostly those damn credit card companies that won’t leave ya alone. They come with a pre-paid envelope so this was not only fun, it was free.

My husband’s ex-wife use to drive me nuts. Seriously, I think that I could have strangled her. It would take to long to go into details about all that. But, believe me, what I did to her, she definitely deserved it.Since, she annoyed me at the least every couple of weeks, I would get sweet secret revenge on her. I pledge money to tv telethons in her name. I signed up to get material from an “adult sex store” in her name. Of course, I used her address for all of this.When telemarketers would call here, I’d tell them that I was just visiting and offer to give them my home number since I was just then leaving to go home. And, but of course, I gave them her number! She finally moved away. I was relieved but also missed my secret fun.

One of my best revenges was on a doctor who was rude and thought he was God. After he left the room, I put some glitter in a couple of drawers. Then I took his stethoscope outside, glittered it up and threw it right in front of his office into some ice covered bushes. The jerk deserved it.

I’ve got more but am going to bed…..and dream sweet dreams of revenge.