Just Another Redneck 4th of July Weekend….

 

It goes without saying that ’round these parts, fireworks (or as we call them, “farworks”), beer, cookouts, and guns rule the day. Rarely does an Independence Day pass in my neck of the woods that somebody doesn’t…

1. Have to go to the ER from a firework mishap.

2. Have to go to the ER after a “Hey y’all, watch this” incident after too much beer.

3. Have to go to the ER after performing a spontaneous pool/river/creek (know as “crik”)  stunt….like belly bustin’ into what they (in a beer haze) perceived to be 6 foot of water but turned out to be 6 inches. Ya ever seen a grown man blubbering while having his big ol’ beer belly being stitched up from naval to booby? Not pretty!!!!

So far, this year has been relatively quite. Of course, the BIGGEST REDNECK HOLIDAY OF THE ENTIRE YEAR is not until tomorrow. Still, there has been an unusual absence of pre-4th “back from the beach” lights in the sky and rapid fire noise. It’s protocol in this area to assert one’s status as uppercrust redneck to buy a whole big-ass bunch of fireworks to inform the entire neighborhood (and beyond) that one has made their yearly pilgrimage to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina.

 The festivities are surely delayed this year. The  bootleg fireworks light displays, which are illegal in West Virginia, sometimes began as early as the middle of June. The whole sha-bang really hits it’s peak at the end of “miner’s vacation” aka the 2 week period that the majority of the coal mines close down and all the employees get a 2 week break from crawling around and digging in the deep, dirty, cold, and dark black earth.

Let me take a minute to digress and say, YOU’RE WELCOME, AMERICA. WE’LL KEEP THE LIGHTS ON FOR YA! AND, FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE LEFT-WING IDIOTS (like Darryl Hannah who needs to go back to something that she might actually know a little about….such as making ONE good movie, Splash, and a bunch of other no-talented forgetable ones…and stay the hell away from here. Seriously, you made more sense with the shrieking, screeching mermaid talk/noise in Splash.AND, all the rest of her uber-liberal hypocritical Hollywood friends)….SCREW YOU! And, turn off all those damn lights in your unneccassarily large homes and do your blow/crack/Oxy/whatever in the dark.

Now…back to the festivities ’round here.

A few hours ago, just ’bout getting dark, I was in my kitchen. TPKen and a couple of other guys were target practicing (remember….guns are an important part of our INDEPENDENCE ’round here) and I could hear each gun as it went off followed by, “Good one, buddy!” or “BULLEYES!” and the like.

Then, I heard one of the bigger shotgun’s sound and then, I heard….

“ping, clang, pong, PING” followed by the most used two word redneck proclamation….”OH SHIT!”.

The pings, clangs, etc. were the sounds of a stray bullet hitting various objects in my yard. Unless you live around here, you won’t understand this but I didn’t bat an eye. Unless this commotion is followed by very loud screaming and shouts of  either “That wasn’t my bullet” or “Sorry ’bout that, buddy”, then ya just learn to go about your business. Since there was no commotion that I could see or hear, I figured nobody had lost an eye or finger or other body part.

But in the blink of an eye, something very odd happened. A bird flew straight into my big kitchen window with a horible thwacking thud sound…..the very window that I was presently staring out of to make sure that I didn’t need to call 9-1-1.

Holycrapola, one of those magnificent marksman had hit a damn bird in flight! You might be thinking that’s not so bad. And, it wouldn’t be if they were pheasant hunting or something of the like. But, the damn target was on the ground. Horrified, I watched as the fairly large bird hit the very small patch of grass in the yard (I’m still smuggling grass seed.  It’s just taking a right bit longer than I had planned.) It sat there for a few seconds and then kinda stumbled a few feet and actually managed to fly off. I’m hoping that the  poor bird was just grazed and lived to go squawk and scare all of his birdie friends away.

I guess the festivities have offically begun.

HAPPY 4TH OF JULY!!!!! LET FREEDOM RING ACROSS OUR GREAT LAND!!!!!!!!

PS….Nothing to do with above post. Just in the very rare chance that Sarah Palin happens upon this blog……

Here’s another “Hell, yes!” for ya, girl. Don’t let the bastard get you down!

“edited 7-4-09 to add”

AN AWARD FOR MOI!

I have been honored by The Vinyl Villager, who is truly one of the best bloggers in Bloggyworld. He is smart, witty, and best of all, sarcastically funny. Oh, and honest. Very honest. I’ve known VV since he was still pooping yellow (which I hope that he is no longer doing). I will take a little credit for talking him into blogging. He has been writing for a long time but it took a bit of nudging to get him to share it with his readers (who keep multiplying due to his great posts. Do yourself a big favor and go check The Vinyl Villager out. You will not be sorry.

MY AWARD….TA DA…

THE CHARMING AWARD………this award is given to the writers of blogs that “are exceedingly charming”. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement  Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award.

So, after the festivities (see post above) have died down, I will carefully select my 8 award winners.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, V V. I APPRECIATE BEING CHOSEN!!!!!

DISCLAIMER….TPB  can be (and usally is) influenced in granting awards by over-the-top flattering/and/or gifts.

Yeah, I’m Lazy Lately…

so what! Sue me!!!

Busier than end-of-the-world-sign carrier lately.

So, I’m posting something for s the ladies that I got in my email today.

 

Girlie Wisdom!

  Women over 50 don’t have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills… she has 14 kids but doesn’t really care.  

One of life’s mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knicker’s.

Amazing!  You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrin ks 2 sizes!

Skinny people irritate me!  Especially when they say things like…’You know sometimes I forget to eat!’ ……Now I’ve forgotten my address, my mother’s maiden name and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat.  You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding?  That’s my idea of a perfect day!

Great Gift Idea….

I don’t normally use my blog to plug any products or services. However, today, I am making an exception.

A couple of years ago, I was looking for an unique gift for TPKen. TPKen is sooooo hard to buy for and has that “man tendency” to go out and buy what he wants when he wants it. It doesn’t matter if  it’s 2 weeks before Christmas and we are all scratching our heads trying to come up with a gift for him. Instead of giving us gift ideas, he goes out and buys whatever his whim/need/want is at the time. This really pisses me off! I consider it a very selfish thing to do and have told him so on more than one occasion.

Anyway, back to the unique gift. One day I was surfing eBay and was looking in the “Everything Else” category trying to come up with something that TPKen didn’t already own. Now, before you get the wrong idea that I am just a very thoughtful person, let me tell you that I do have some hidden motive involved in the selection of TPK’s gifts. I WANT some GOOD STUFF, too!

Who wouldn’t want to open a present with this…. or maybe, some….???

To be truthful, TPK is generous when it comes to the $$$$$ in giving presents. And, I want to make sure that it stays that way! Get my drift?  “wink wink to the ladies”

While going thru the list of “everything else” stuff such as penis enlargers, secrets to make thousands of dollars a day working from home, and authentic alien corpse, I happened upon an ad that really caught my attention. It was an ad to put your poem or words to music. In other words, create your own song. A guy was offering all of this (plus the copyright) up for auction. So, I figured this was something really different and would be something that showed that I had really put some thought into the gift. I bid and won!  Thus began my relationship with Crazy Dave.

The first song was about TPKen going boar hunting. I sent Dave the details about the crazy boar hunting trip thru email and he came up with this:

I LOVED IT!  …..”gonna shoot a boar in the butt with a gun”. FUNNY!

Crazy Dave sent me the song on a CD with the lyrics and he sent is really fast. He wanted to make sure that I got it in time for Christmas.

A couple of months later, it was TPSkipper’s birthday and once again, I turned to Crazy Dave. I sent him a short story about her. Ya see…TPSkipper is a really good singer. I’m not just saying that because I gave birth to her. She is locally reknown for singing at weddings, funerals, and other gatherings. She gets paid pretty good money for her talent. BUT, unfortunately, TPSkipper has NO athletic skills as you will hear if you listen to the video….

My relationship with Crazy Dave didn’t end there. He did a hauntingly beautiful song to which I wrote the lyrics. However, this song is extremely personal and is not on youtube. I can tell you, though, that every time I listen to it, I get very emotional. His guitar licks on it are on par with just about any well known guitarist that you can think of.

Crazy Dave gave up this side business for a while. But, good news….he’s back at it. So, if any of you are looking for a gift to amuse, touch the heart, get your message across to somebody, or just would like to have a song of your own recorderd, here is the link to Crazy Dave.  On this particular auction, Dave is offering to do a Micahel Jackson song for ya. But, you can go over to the side where it says, “Ask the seller a question” and request another song.

Crazy Dave  is a really nice guy and works hard to please everyone that he deals with. So, come on….give him a chance. What an opportunity for you guys (or girls) to put how you feel about somebody to music. Whether you have unrequieted love (Yes, Stan…I know that you are dying to do a song for me) or want to poke innocent fun, Dave can do it for you.

ROCK ON, DAVE!

I’m A WINNER!!!!…..

You can’t begin to imagine my excitement when I received an email stating that I had one a prize in the Marlboro sweepstakes. Happyhappyjoyjoy! I had been entering every day (actually, just because I kept getting it in my email). But, they were giving away some FANTASTIC prizes such as…..

$250.00 gift card to….?????? It really didn’t state where you could use the gift card. But, I would get $250 worth of something from somewhere.

Cuisinart Coffe Maker….I need this. My coffee maker is dump-worthy.

2010  GMC Sierra Hybrid Truck…visions of mud-bogging (good mileage mud bogging at that!) ran thru my head.

Gourmet Jumbo Burgers….from ??????. Again, it didn’t state where the GJB would come from so I wasn’t too keen about that prize. They could turn out to be made from roadkill or something even more distasteful. Although, I can’t think of anything more unappetizing unless it would be the remains of laid-off workers.

Presidential Edition Horseshoe Set….Bound to get a ringer every time with a O-He-Performs-Miracles-for-The-Masses-Bama horseshoe. RINGER EVERYTIME!!!! Take that, Joe Schmo, trailerpark horseshoe champion thrower 5 years in a row.

$40,000 in gold bars…..WOWEE! My head was about to explode thinking of all the compulsive shopping and hoarding that could be done with that kind of moolah.

3 In 1 Poker Table….Yippee! I have a po-po-po-poker face. (Credit goes to Lady Gaa Gaa).

and so much MORE! MORE! MORE! MORE!

I hurriedly read thru the formalities of congratulating me on my win and speed read down to the last part.

I had won a……

FRIGGIN’ ASHTRAY…….

 

How had that happened? I hadn’t even entered the sweepstakes on the “ashtray day”.  Although, I’m fairly sure that it will look like the one in the above picture, I have my fingers crossed that it will look like this…..

At least, THAT would be kinda cool!

Oh well, I can use it as my Secret Santa gift at the annual TrailerPark HolidayParty!

 

Random Thoughts In The Shower….

I have a dermatologist appt. today. I have a new mole that looks a little suspicious. See, Stan…I’m not the shatmaster that I claim to be. I didn’t make you wait all day to find out what I am going to the derma about. And, I knew that you’d just be sitting and biting your nails and eating Pringles (or something else not good for the figure or cholesteral) all day waiting for me to post.

“edited to add*……Stan  has written some very interesting/funny/morbid Top Ten facts about Michael Jackson in the comment section. If you’ve never had the pleasure of reading comments by Stan, here’s your chance.

Who is Stan, you ask. Stan is MY BESTEST OF THE RESTEST FRIEND WITHOUT NO DANG BENEFITS. And, he has a great mental health blog……IS SOMETHING NOT QUITE RIGHT WITH STAN.

I’ve had lots of ideas for posts lately but just can’t seem to get my thoughts all together. While in the shower earlier, I had a lot of rapid and random thoughts. This happens to me frequently….rapid thinking. Some days, it’s slow enough for me to jot down an idea but other days, the thoughts are replaced so fast that I can’t recall them.

I’ve only got a few minutes to write so here are some random thoughts that I had today…

1.Is Obama a vampire? 

 He seems to be able to “glam”  people like the vampires on True Blood do.  In the case of TB vamps, they “glam” aka mesmerize humans for feeding without killing. I’m beginning to think that this is what Obama does with the press and other unsavory people/organizations. Take notice of the members of a majority of the press when he concludes a press conference. Eyes glazed over, drool dripping from the corners of their mouths, and the look of a desperate lover.

2. I got a hefty penalty notice in the mail yesterday for not making personal tax deposits on time. I got the same heft penalty last year. If the IRA wouldn’t penalize me, then I could deposit that huge sum of money for personal taxes. Small business really gets a bum-deal. Now, it’s worse under Obama’s socialistic rule.

3.How did Barbara Walters get so famous and rich? She has that lisp thing going on and sometimes, she stutters. Not that I’m insinuating that there is anything wrong with either of those things. But, I just don’t get it….how she ended up on top of the broadcasting pyramid. When I see BaaBwa on the View, I flash back to her interview of Hugo Chavez. I vividly remember seeing BaaBwa’s nipples poking thru her blouse. Don’t know if she was cold or lusting after Hugo.

4.Would Keith Olbermann still have a show if Bill O’Reilly retired? 99% of his current show is nothing but insulting and taking jabs at Bill. I don’t like Keith Olbermann. He reminds me of a girl in junior high school trying to make friends by talking trash about somebody who is popular.

5. Is the government really going to give people $3500 ( I think that’s the amount) for their old junker cars? And, who is going to do all the junk car crushing? But, if this is true, I could become a millionaire. There are junk cars all over the place around here.

Time is up. Gotta go make myself presentable to venture into the outside world.

If you have any answers or thoughts on these questions, I’d love to read them.

One more nagging question……

Does Barney Frank have teeth? I’ve watched him doing lots of interviews and have yet to see even a snaggle of a tooth. I asked this question on Tweeter, too. No one seems to have the answer. If any of you have seen a pic of Barney with teeth, please post it.

The Dali Mama Knows All (Almost)…..

FROM THE DESK OF THE DALI MAMA (SEE OFFICIAL SEAL BELOW)

 

The  last 2 days’ search terms are …uh…hmmm…..nasty and sick with a few very interesting and downright funny ones thrown in.

Usually, I glance at them and then go about my business. But, last night, I heard the voice of the one who appointed me to be the Dali Mama. (Follow link to read about my great awakening). My loyal and trusty regular readers who by now must surely number into the thousands tens, know that my Dali Mama creator is the lovely all-knowing  mannish, Ann Coulter. 

“You are the DALI MAMA!” I heard Ann’s voice telling me. “It is your duty to educate the lost, the inquiring, the ones in the dark, and give them the answers that they seek.”

Not wanting to disappoint (or face the wrath) of Ms. Coulter, today I will try to help those that are lost and searching for answers.

Here we go…….

Since you pervs went to so much trouble to find your kind of sick shit, I feel that it is my duty to help you out,too. Either with a web link or some good ol’ down home redneck advice.

So, let’s get started…..

poontang….Poontange lead the search in numbers by far and that’s OK. After all, I do admittedly write a lot about my pootang aka coochie aka hickeydoodle and of course, cooter……OW OW OW My Poontange Hurts .

Other posts dealing with vajayjays and hoo-haws: She Got That Pap Smear Where? and Celebrating My Poontang.

White Trash Sex

white trash sex…..well, I’ll not berate those who landed here while looking for “white trash sex”. I only makes sense that searchers would think that I know all about white trash sex since I am the White Trash Queen of the Trailerpark. And, of course, I would have written something about white trash sex. So, here it is….White Trash Sex w/SuperGlue .  SMELLY, STINKY, DIRTY, LINT-FILLED BELLY BUTTONS
stuff in your belly button…….AHA…a serious question that I have, also, addressed in the past……..Does Your Belly Button Stink. and, TheStinkyBellyButtonClub, which I am pleased to report has gone international!!!!!
do bugs have asses……By golly, yes, Virginia, bugs do, indeed have butts.
what does it mean when your belly button….see Belly Button link above
my belly button is damp and smells……also, see Belly Button link above
porno cu virgie……”what the hell is a poro cu virgie?” Anybody know?
poontange…..apparently a French person looking for poontang. Remove that damn “E” and read the POONTANGE linke above.
pinch nipples….I’m stumped on this one. Do they want someone to pinch their nipples? Do they want to pinch somebody else’s nipples? Has their nipples been pinched by catching them in a bus door?  Here’s a link with dozens of nipple pinching ideas.

Also, there were several searches about stinky drawers:

smelling dirty underwear

stinky panty

caught sniffing her panties

stinky Sponge Bob boxers

I will not post a direct link for you, sicko. But, there is one called Slimey Butt-Butts that might meet your needs. I’m curious…..what happened to you as a kid that makes smelly drawers so pleasurable?

Then, they only got even weirder…..

sons getting mothers pregenet…..The only answer that I can give for that is to find a qualified mental health specialist. Oh, and a good obstetrician. And, definitely, a good church to attend. Oh yeah….a good bail bondsman. Plus, learn to spell.

SCREWING STUFFED CATS

Shame on you! Having sex with something that cannot even give consent!!!!! Be a man/woman and try it with a real cat. You might find the claw marks all over your body to be attractive.

This is just small sampling of the weird search terms that I get everyday. But, then, I’m the Dali Mama. I know am suppose to know the answers to all questions.

If you have a burning, embarassing, serious question….go ahead and ask me, The Dali Mama. I’ll either answer it or make  fun of you.

Suggested Reading…..

I’ve got a few drafts started to post but can’t seem to get in the spirit of writing, lately. I guess I’ve hit the wall somewhat like a marathon runner does.But, I have to admit in full disclosure that is the only thing that I’d have in common with a runner. The only time that I will run is if I’m hungry and the restaurant is closing inn 2 minutes. Or, if I’m in line at a store that is giving away something to the first 20 customers. Or, I might run if being chased. But, that would totally depend on what I was being chased by….a wild boar, a mugger, a Jevohah’s Witness with a hand full of Watch Towers, etc.

OK….off topic AGAIN! Back to the original programming.

There has been many a time that I have sat down at my computer to write in this blog. But, instead, I have started blog surfing and reading and the next thing that I know, it’s morning and I’ve woke up with my head on my keyboard and the letters y,u,h,y, and k imprinted in my face for the next 24 hours. This might, also, explain why I’m having keyboard problems. I think that it just might be the mouth drool soaking the keys.

Below are a couple of the blogs that I read fairly regularly. I read them because they really make me laugh. And, they inspire me to blog in hopes that I will make somebody laugh.

To all my blogging buddies on my blogroll……No, I don’t think that these 2 blogs are any better than yours. As a matter of fact, I plan to post about my buddy-blogs in a future post. And, I strongly urge anyone who reads this to also click on some of my blog-friends’ links. You will discover some of the best insights into life via true stories ever.

But, for today, I present to you……..

 

MAD HAIKU…..THE BEST HAIKU EVER!    If you like haiku, you’ll love this guy. If you don’t like haiku, you’ll love this guy. He makes me seriously laugh out loud evertime I visit his blog. Go give him a shout-out and tell him TPB sent ya.

 

Crabby Old Fart….The Trouble With Young People Today

COF aka Donald Mills  blogs about what is wrong with young people today. From piercings to “disorders” and everything in between. Reading COF will remind you of your grandpa, your cranky next door neighbor, the hermit who lives in a tent on the outside of town, and lots more. He IS cranky. But, he is so damn lovable that you’ll find yourself wanting to bake him some cupcakes and have him over for coffee.

So, drop by Crabby Old Fart’s blog and tell him TPB sent ya.

Now, I’ve got to go shower. I’m meeting TPMidge for lunch. Then, I’ve got some ten dollar coupons from Penneys that have been burning a whole in my pocket for a week now. Being an obsessive shopper, I can’t resist the pull of the ten dollars of free stuff. It doesn’t matter that there is not a dadgone thing that I want there, it’s the excitement of getting something free. I’ll probably come back with a package of socks that no one can wear because they are too small or too large. But, I’ll feel great just knowing that I didn’t pay one cent for them.

That’s how an obsessive mind works. Don’t try to give me advice, analyze me, or fix me. I’ve learned to roll with it.

I’ll Plead Insanity…..

This is a post that I wrote in a forum a while back. I do not write  there any longer and am moving some posts to this blog.

Also, I’m having a problem with my keyboard. If te letters h,u,t,i,g,n, l or b are left out of a word, fil tem in for yourself. I tried to correct tem al but fially gave up.

. You can’t see me!!!!!

 

The last 48 hours have been pure hell. Insomnia not only rearing it’s ugly head…..I think it’s about to eat me alive. Nerves feeliglike rubber bands being stretched to the break point. My whole body system seems to be singing a song called, “Kill me now and get this show on the road.” LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS of stress, which is aggravating my fybro and arthritis. I’ve take an insane amount of Motrin, Alleve, and Tylenol. Probably have major stomach rot by now.(Or, is that my belly button that I smell?……DOES YOUR BELLY BUTTON STINK? HeeHee…can’t pass up a chance to pimp another post. Actually, the 2nd most read post since I started my blog. Some of the comments are unbelievable).

TrailerparkKen has not been feeling well for some time. But, he refuses to go see a doctor. Why are men like that? Women, on the other hand, will go to find out what is wrong.. And, eventhough, I biotch about him a LOT in my blog, I am still concerned about his well-beig.. His blood pressure is 230/139….stroke area. I could not get him to go to the doc last night. He went today but his doctor was not there so he just turned around and came home. He refused to see the phys. assistant. One of the corners of his eye is blood red.
Now, keep in mind, we live out in the booger woods. If something should happen, it would take 911 the better part of a week to find us.

So, strung out like a junkie in withdrawal, I stayed awake last night almost all night. At 3 oclock this morning, I saw a car headlights in my driveway. The driveway is severalhundred feet long. Probably more than that. I’m not good at measurements. Never have been since I found out that there is a major discrecpacy between what a man consider 6 inches to me and what a woman KNOWS six inches is.  Anyway the car pulls up pretty close to the house with the headlights glaring into my dark/lights off  kitchen.
My first instinct is to go wake TPKen. But, then common sense took over and I realized that a sudden, abrupt awakening might cause something bad to happen to him. So, I realize that I’m on my own and it’s up to me to guard “my castle”.

 I crept up to the window and took a hiding place behind a ficus tree. I watch for a few minutes trying to figure out who  has coming calling at 3 in the morning. My mind is racing…..”fight or flee” reactions kicks in. I run into the bedroom to get the gun only to discover that TPK has removed the smaller Lady Smith and Wesson that I usually keep handy. It’s a very nice size 38 with “girly designs” and pearl inlay on the handle. Cute but deadly. In it’s place, he has laid his humongous handgun that has a 12 inch barrell. It’s a speical edition and it’s shell cost 5 bucks each. That gun is so heavy that an old west gunslinger would look like the Hunchback of NotreDame is he had it in his belt holster. This gun caused quite an argument between myself and TPKwhen he purchased it. I mean….why would you need a gun so heavy that you’d almost have to prop it up on a stool to even fire it. That is one damn heavy piece of metal and it was hard for me to even try to aim it. Well, at least he finally came to his senses about the $7,000 armour piercing monster gun that he had planned to buy. I think he realized that a judge would findthat grounds for D-I-V-O-R-C-E even in this gun crazy, redneck state.

S0, after pausing for just a sec, I know that if I’m gonna need a weapon, it’s gonna have to be that big-ass gun that was laying where my pretty, little S&W should have been.

Here I was….taking cover behind a fake fiscs tree and using all my arm and shoulder strength to hold that gigantic gun. I’m  begining to have serious doubts whether I can even aim and shoot it in the right direction. But, being a big, ol redneck woman (and proud member of the NRA), I knew that I had to do what I had to do. So, keeping the lights off so as not to be an easy target for the gangsta outside), stumbled up the hall and found the phone…..ready to call 911 if necessary.

I took my position behind the ficus again and started watching. The car had not moved. I was sitting in the same spot. So, I started watching again to see if anybody got out. The headlights were still on and the motor was running. I decided to creep across to the front door and peep out. My front door is one of those with frosted glass that has a few clear “peepholes”. When I got in my ready to stop, drop and shoot position there, I looked out and saw that the car and turned around and was heading out. I caught myself breathing a big sigh of relief.

 BUT, then the car stopped at the end of the driveway. So, I caught myself totally tensing up again. A few minutes later it drove off. This morning, TPK went out to get the newspaper. Turns out that it was the newspaper man (at 3 in the  morning) pullig up our paper box and moving it out to the end of the road……which totally enraged TPK. They have been feuding about the location of the paper box for a few days now.

What bothers me is that I have been so edgy and ready to fight, that I could have honestly shot the paper guy. But for the grace of God, I am here writing this tonight instead of in the “big house”.

When I start getting really stressed, I start getting really angry. I find myself looking for a fight from just about anyone over anything. This is one of the most dangerous phases of my BP. Out of medicine and not have a pdoc appt for 9 weeks I decided that I had to do something PDQ. Andwith tail tucked between my legs, I visited a local “Express Care” office right now the road from me. I was straight up and frank with the doc. I told her that I was at the breaking point and needed help and need it immediately. I told her that if she refused to prescribe me something for pain, stress, andsleep, that I was going to go find some street drugs. And I was damn dead serious.  And, I began to cry.

The last time that I got to a breaking point like this, it triggered one of the worst manic periods that I had in years. ple. This was the manic period when I came to a dead stop in the middle of the road because a two-toothed, shot gun racked, 4X 4 four wheel truck driving redneck was following me too close. I threated to kick his ass…..all 5′2″ of me up against his 6′plus frame. Could have gotten into some serious shit there until HE actually back down. Must have been smart enough underneath that skullet to know that he was dealing with a  deranged woman.

 I was slightly apprehensive that she would just think that I was a doctor shopper for drugs. But, she turned out to be very sympathetic. I got some arthritis med, some Xanax, and 12 Ambien. So, right now, I am in a thankfully pleasantly sedated

The bad part about that is that I have been trying to wean myself off all psych drugs for a few months now. This is a major setback to that. But, at least I won’t be in the pokey trading ciggies for half eaten balogna sandwiches with a skullet-wearig butch named Teensey

 So….at this point in time, I’ll feed the sweet, siren song of the drugs. Otherwise, I might have to hone a insanity defense, which would probaly be totally true.

****This post was originally written about 3 yrs ago. No big emotional flare-ups since. Only bouts of depression ranging from mild to almost “ready to go see Mama”.

Re-Mapping The United States…..

This needs no explanation. I present to you…the remapping of America……

I don’t know who created this map. But, as always, I will give them their credit if any of you kow who made this redneck masterpiece.

I’m not sure that my area, WV, is named correctly. I am pretty sure that we’d be uni-state…KKK and hickville. Or, maybe…the Great Territory of Dale Earnart #43 (who went to race in a better place. LOL Those bumper stickers always crack me up).

What Would Capt. America Do?

(Nobody Knows The Troubles I’ve Seen) 

Lately, life is…

depressing

dark

disturbing

scary

unpredictable

and, downright not enjoyable.

I read something a while back that said that you should do at least one thing everyday that brings you some joy. Lately, it’s been really hard to follow that advise. Unless, you can count giving the finger to somebody who cut you off while you were in a funeral procession. And, that was not really joy….more like stress relief.

I went off all antidepressants and the like in early spring. It was against doctor’s orders. What do they know about my emotions? Nada…that’s what.  My thought was that the summer sun would do the trick and perk me up. But, we haven’t had much sun around here for at least a month. It has rained almost every day with a few very short breaks of sunshine. Just enough sunshine to tease ya into thinking that everything will be just hunky-monkey-dorey with life.

Yes, DR (dear readersreader), I know that I am suppose to be humorous. But, dammit, it’s getting harder and harder to be funny. There is nothing to laugh about lately. O-He-Can-Walk-On-Water-Then-Turn-It-Into-Wine-bama is scaring the bejeesus out of me with all of his gov. take-overs and mandates. He wants to tell us what cars to drive, what we can eat, drink, smoke, etc. Next week will probably bring new rules and regulations about what we can wear. That might not be so bad. He could tell all of the people who insist on showing us their buttcracks to pull their pants up.

I see a “bad moon arisin’. I’m just full of dark lyrics lately.

CCR…Bad Moon Arising

I see the bad moon arising.
I see trouble on the way.
I see earthquakes and lightnin.
I see bad times today.

Dont go around tonight,
Well, its bound to take your life,
Theres a bad moon on the rise. 

I hear hurricanes ablowing.
I know the end is coming soon.
I fear rivers over flowing.
I hear the voice of rage and ruin.

Hope you got your things together.
Hope you are quite prepared to die.
Looks like were in for nasty weather.
One eye is taken for an eye.

I’m just a regular ton-o-fun today!

WWCA do? Capt. America…..flag-painted Harley. Cool dude. Peter Fonda in Easy Rider. 

I was pretty young when this film came out. But, being privileged to hang around with the first real “hippie” crowd in my small town, I was  ahead of other kids my age when it came to counter-culture stuff. (My best friend’s sister was the first person to be busted for pot possession in our town. LOL)

I remember watching this movie with my friend, Kay. When the redneck shot Billy and CA at the end, we were so pissed off that we started planning to run away from home. Why run away from home? That really didn’t make much sense but in our young minds, it was what we thought we needed to do. We never got beyond the planning, though. Couldn’t go far with $9.35 and no car. But then, what good would a car have been anyway? Neither of us were old enough to have a driver’s license. “sigh” I miss those good old days.

It’s been raining for the better part of a month. I need some SERIOUS SUN! Looking out my kitchen window this morning at all the mini-swamps all over my yard was just downright sad. I’m sure that it didn’t help anything that Fox news was playing in the background. Reporting the election in Iran, the craziness of Elvis-wannabe in North Korea, etc.

For some reason, the following song from Easy Rider started playing in my head……

 

Roger McGuinn – It’s Alright Ma / I’m Only Bleeding Lyrics (click on title for entire lyrics. They were just too long to post the entire song here. Besides, most of my peeps would get depressed about one third way thru them and quit reading. So, I took the liberty of deleting some of the verses).

Darkness at the break of noon
Shadows even the silver spoon
The handmade blade, the child’s balloon
Eclipses both the sun and moon
To understand you know too soon
There is no sense in trying.

Pointed threats, they bluff with scorn
Suicide remarks are torn
From the fool’s gold mouthpiece
The hollow horn plays wasted words
Proves to warn
That he not busy being born
Is busy dying.

Temptation’s page flies out the door
You follow, find yourself at war
Watch waterfalls of pity roar
You feel to moan but unlike before
You discover
That you’d just be
One more person crying.

While preachers preach of evil fates
Teachers teach that knowledge waits
Can lead to hundred-dollar plates
Goodness hides behind its gates
But even the president of the United States
Sometimes must have
To stand naked.

Advertising signs that con you
Into thinking you’re the one
That can do what’s never been done
That can win what’s never been won
Meantime life outside goes on
All around you.

You lose yourself, you reappear
You suddenly find you got nothing to fear
Alone you stand with nobody near
When a trembling distant voice, unclear
Startles your sleeping ears to hear
That somebody thinks
They really found you.

Although the masters make the rules
For the wise men and the fools
I got nothing, Ma, to live up to.

While some on principles baptized
To strict party platform ties
Social clubs in drag disguise
Outsiders they can freely criticize
Tell nothing except who to idolize
And then say God bless him.

While one who sings with his tongue on fire
Gargles in the rat race choir
Bent out of shape from society’s pliers
Cares not to come up any higher
But rather get you down in the hole
That he’s in.

Old lady judges watch people in pairs
Limited in sex, they dare
To push fake morals, insult and stare
While money doesn’t talk, it swears
Obscenity, who really cares
Propaganda, all is phony.

My eyes collide head-on with stuffed graveyards
False gods, I scuff
At pettiness which plays so rough
Walk upside-down inside handcuffs
Kick my legs to crash it off
Say okay, I have had enough
What else can you show me?

And if my thought-dreams could be seen
They’d probably put my head in a guillotine
But it’s alright, Ma, it’s life, and life only.

If the Capt. would in my shoes today, I think Capt America would do the following…..

1.Light up a big fattie

2.Tie his American flag bandana around his neck

3.Start up his Harley and listen to the music of the engine

4.Head on down the highway cause he was “born to be wild”.

(here ya go, Noe Noe Girl.  This is what we’d look like “being wild”)

I’m gonna follow his example with a few minute(LOL) adjustments.

I’m going to go take a shower. Find my umbrella. Start up my small Acura SUV. Rev up the engine…hey, at least it has TUBRO! Turn the XM radio to a 70’s station and crank up the volume.  Head on down the highway (must remember to avoid hitting deer, squirrels/wild turkey/people with dementia that wander around the trailerpark, etc)…to WalMart to get a birthday gift. Then, I’ll go “looking for adventure and whatever comes my way”…….which translates into going to a rainy cookout with Ball Park Franks and  watery potato salad. But, dammit, I’ll be wearing an American flag bandanna (under my disposable plastic rain hat)!!!!!! And, I’ll be on the look-out for the “pusher man” aka Humor ice cream truck. Those orange push-ups can be quite addictive.

Who knows? With a little luck, I’m might spot a hitch-hiker that looks like Jack Nicholson. Think I’ll throw an extra helmet in the back seat just in case!!! And, just maybe, he and I will take a short road trip detour. It would be fan-tassss-tic if we’d end up in a cemetery, hugging the 6 ft tall tombstones, talking gibberish, and crying. For those of you who don’t have a clue what I’m talking about, rent the movie, Easy Rider.

Billy….”I’m not a freak but I like to freak!”

Awwwwww—-The Sweet Taste of Revenge

I love to get revenge. Now, don’t get me wrong. I would never really hurt someone physcially or damage their character.

No, my acts of revenge are pretty tame. Just enough to satisfy my bloodlust.

One of my best ways to get revenge is through the use of sprinkles/glitter. Glitter is a really hard thing to get out of your hair or off of your clothes. I use to carry a couple of tubes in my purse….just in case. But, what I actually ended up doing most of the time with the glitter was putting it in the envelope with my payment to somebody. I would only put it in envelopes of people or businesses who had given me a hard time or really pissed me off.

BUT, my most enjoyable times with mailing glitter was when I would get junk mail….lots of junk mail. I would open the junk mail and switch the contents. Pour in a about 1/2 teaspoon of glitter. Mostly those damn credit card companies that won’t leave ya alone. They come with a pre-paid envelope so this was not only fun, it was free.

My husband’s ex-wife use to drive me nuts. Seriously, I think that I could have strangled her. It would take too long to go into details about all that. But, believe me, what I did to her, she definitely deserved it

.Since, she annoyed me at the least every couple of weeks, I would get sweet secret revenge on her by doing the following things.

. I pledge money to tv telethons in her name. I signed up to get material from an “adult sex store” in her name. Of course, I used her address for all of this.When telemarketers would call here, I’d tell them that I was just visiting and offer to give them my home number since I was just then leaving to go home. And, but of course, I gave them her number!

She finally moved away. I was relieved but also missed my secret fun.

One of my best revenges was on a doctor who was rude and thought he was God. After he left the room, I put some glitter in a couple of drawers. Then I took his stethoscope outside, glittered it up and threw it right in front of his office into some ice covered bushes. The jerk deserved it. I would have loved to have seen his face when he found it. Teach that asshat to be nicer to patients!

I’ve got more but am going to bed…..and dream sweet dreams of revenge.

Does Your Belly Button Stink?……

 

 

 

My belly button stinks. It stinks because it is freakishly deep. I have to clean it regularly or it smells like ass. I was tooooo embarrassed to ever talk about this until….

I did an internet search on “deep belly buttons” during a period of boredom. I was totally taken by surprise to find that “deep belly button” is all over the internet. Stuff like this……

“Sometimes when I try to clean it out I can’t get my finger in it properly, so I have to get a toothpick to scrape it clean. It’s just too small.”

From a site named, “Is It Normal?”……..

smelly belly button

Friend’s Email: Your Name:

my belly button is smelly inside. its tight and it gets smelly really deep. ive been like this since i was young. and sometimes i sniff it and like the smell even though its a bit rank

Responses……

uhhh

you have much self luv… good for you!

I find it satisfying to gouge out the depths of my navel with a matchstick. This would be a perfect pastime except for the fact I get shooting pains in my bum-hole if I dig too deep.

Anonymous

ha

well my sister has the same exact problem and i think its normal. and strangely she likes how it smells. i smelled it a few times and nearly died. it was BAD!!

completly normal. maybe clean it or something. or get deoderant for it

So, I was beginning to think that I might actually get educated on deep belly buttons on this site. But then, I read this…..

Gray ball hair?

Friend’s Email: Your Name:

Is it normal for a 19 year old to have gray hair on his balls and at the base of his penis but normal pubes everywhere else?

Comments

You may be dying or will die very young.

are you sure that you aren’t 91?

shut up retard

It became pretty obvious that this was not a site filled with serious, educating “deep belly button” research . So, I did some more surfing and found……

I Used To Believe

I didn’t find any answers there, either. But, I sure got some really good belly laughs. As a matter of fact, I laughed all the way down to the bottom of my belly button.

I spent so much time reading those stories that I didn’t have time to do anymore research.

So, if any of you have an answer for why some belly buttons are really deep and smell like ass, please post a comment.

1/25/09…..I’ve decided to revive this post from the archives. I am surprised by the number of comments on it. The comments are really much better than the post. I didn’t realize how much interest this would generate. The inventiveness and sense of humor of all the commentators amazes me. Read them and be both entertained and educated.

All Commentators are now honorary members of THE STINKY BELLY BUTTON CLUB! CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!

Redneck Lacie…The Saga Continues

 

I wrote the original post about Lacie about a year ago. This is the second update on her life. It’s long but I hope you read it all.

Yes, Virginia….there are real white trash, redneck people……..

I cross my fingers…hope to die….stick a needle in my eye…..the following story is true. Hard to believe but very, very true. Some of you will say…”Nah, no way. It’s impossible that anybody has a white trash person in there family with that is that  much dumbness!” I assure you….she is real.

And, her wedding was too white trash/redneck even for CMT’s redneck weddings/Tom Arnold.

I had to give it some thought before writing this post. I may appear heartless and better-than-you-are-nana nana-boo-boo (some of y’all will be familiar with that little taunt) but it’s the price I pay for my never ending drive to amuse and entertain thru blogging.

Besides, if I didn’t record the family’s history and events, who would? Do you actually think that my brother who lives in a car wash (yes, hon, this is true, too. See past post)* would have the time or inclination to be the family historian. Alright already, I know what you are thinking. She’s justifying making fun of her relatives. And, I say….Hel No, I’m not. I don’t need to justify the telling of true stories. And, if I’ve got to have them in my family then the least compensation that I could receive is the right to use them as material for my blog.

Right before midnight last night, I got a call from my niece I will call Lacie. Lacie tends to forget that some of us get up before noon and go to bed at a reasonable hour in order to do so. Lacie has never had a job and sleeps until around two-ish everyday excepton weekend when she sleeps in. Lacie is on a government disability check and is a proud card carrying lifetime member on the state welfare roll. She has 3 children, one of whom recently chose to go live withhis dad. Lacie is a hypochondriac with a habit of going to the ER via ambulance on weekend nights. I wondered for a long time why then? I got my answer thru a few phone conversations in which she mentioned several different people by name.

“And, who is “fill-in blank”, Lacie”, I’d ask her.

“Oh, I met him/her at the ER and we became friends”, she would say.

So, apparently, there are a group of people who regularly go to the ER on Saturday nite…..kinda like a social gathering. I believe they have formed some kind of club. PWVERSWR….People who visit ER’s withregularity. Lacie has actually traded photos of her kids with some of the other club members. And, the best part of this club is that it is totally free to the members. Never mind, that we, the taxpayers, are paying out of our hiney for those ambulance rides. Oh crap, don’t get me started on this. Oh wait, you didn’t. I did. Enough about massive abuse of taxpayer money. That’s for another time.

I’m sure that you are thinking, “Why doesn’t she just get to the damn point!”

Patience, dear. Patience. Without some background history, you cannot begin to appreciate the conversation that Lacie and I had close to midnight on Saturday.

Lacie has many, many illnesses. Why, the dear girl even had something wrong withher prostate! I didn’t bother telling her that she doesn’t own a prostate. She is unable to walk very far. On this one, I did try to tell her that sleeping all day and eating a diet of fried foods, chips, and cakes might be a little bit of the cause. I encourage her to get up earlier, changer her diet a bit, and maybe, try taking a small walk every day. She countered that with the fact that she gets to use the Rascals at WalMart so it wasn’t a big problem.

Lacie’s first time at driving a Rascal was somewhat un-nerving. More for the WalMart workers than for her. She got behind the wheel (oh yeah, she doesn’t have a driver’s license and had never driven anything in her life except a Big Wheel) and proceeded to mow down an entire display of greeting cards. And, a clerk. She was indignant startled knocked out of the Rascal on her very large ass. She threatened to sue. I think the outbreak of laughter whenever she told this story may have stopped that.

Lacie is, also, to put it bluntly a really, really, really bad housekeeper. If I ever had to go to her house, I stayed standing looking out of the corners of my eyes for the very large roaches that have built their own roach motels in her house. And, then, there are the 15+ cats. Maybe, more. That house is so dirty and piled up with stuff, that even I, a serious card carrying hoarder, can not take it for longer than 5 minutes.

Now, you have some background info, so on to the call right before midnight.

“ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring” Oh, my phone was ringing right before midnight. Y’all know what goes thru your mind when you get a call right before midnight. A family member is hurt. A family member has been in an accident. A loved one has died. Your brother is in the hospital on suicide watch again. Your nephew is back in jail. That kind of stuff. So, with a trembling hand, I answered it expecting the worse.

“Hello”….I couldn’t keep the fear out of my voice.

And, I hear….laughter. WTH? A prankster? I’ll trace this call and…..

“Hey! It’s me….Lacie! Guess what!? You’ll never guess! Guess!!!!!” she said.

“I dunno. You wrecked another Rascal?” I really didn’t feel like playing this game.

“Uh, uh “giggles” uh “giggles” I’m “giggles” getting married!” she said giggling.

“Really? To whom? And, when?”….I was definitely not giggling.

“To i-can’t remember-his-name (me, I can’t remember his name. She can. I hope). We’re getting married this coming weekend. And, I want you to be in it!….she was wound up tight, I tell ya. “And, I want TrailerParkBarbie t sing in it!”…….Uh oh, TPB is not going to be very happy about this.

Me….”Well, you’ll have to ask her if you want her to sing. And, exactly what am I suppose to be in your wedding? I know, I’ll be your photographer!”……….Oh yes, thank you, Lord. This pictures could be priceless! And, the video on youtube! Maybe, CMT would be interested in Her Big Redneck Wedding!!!!

Lacie….”I’ve been trying to call her”. Didn’t have the heart to tell her that TPS has caller ID. She went on,”And I won’t have a phone after tomorrow. So, will you tell her?”

Me….”Why won’t you have a phone?”

Now, it gets good.

Lacie….”Mine has been cut off because I couldn’t pay my bill. And, this one belongs to “whathisname” and it’s going to be turned off on Monday”.

Me….”Why haven’t ya’llpaid your bills?” I already knew the answer to why she didn’t. She had her land phone turned off so many times and had to come up withdeposits each time to turn it back on. The last time, she just didn’t even fool with it. The bill remained unpaid. The phone got turned off and she went and got a cellphone…..which apparently had fallen to the same neglect of payment. So, I wondered why “whathisname”’s phone was being turned off.

Here we go. A story of LOVE!

(which brings to mind this lovely poem by Nate Owens )

Lacie…”Because we were at WalMartand we were looking at rings and he bought one with his phone money!”

Lacie…”I said, ‘but, but, but, …what about your phone’? And he said, “I don’t need a phone. I need you. I need your love.” …..(Awwww, true love. Admit it, girls….you’d just melt if you heard those words…”I don’t need a phone. I need you!”) 

   “heartless snickering here“

Can’t help it. I know what she looks like and how goofy she is. And, I also, know that she gets up in time to watch her stories (Soaps) and leans toward talking like the characters when she’s talking about her life. She continued talking….

“Then, he got down on one knee right there at the jewelry counter and proposed to me“…..again. I don’t know this guy. I’ve never seen him. But, here is what I do know. He is middle-aged, has no job, and has no problem sharing her home with her mess, roaches, and cats. In other words, he’s a loser. Let me add that he doesn’t mind sharing her gov checks either.**

I’ll try to go a little faster. This is turning into a novel.

Lacie got all emotional (teary-eyed, jumping up and down, screaming) and fell over. Flat on the floor right there in front of the jewelry case at WalMarton a Saturday during the first of the monthwhich is like a major holiday in this area because of all the gov checks received at the beginning of the month. In my mind, I can see a large number of people watching this unfold. I can, also, see the manager saying to himself, “Please, God, don’t let that be the woman who wrecked the Rascal laying there in my floor. PLEASE!”

Lacie said that she had a seizure. Now, it is true that she actually does have some type of a seizure on occasion. However, her claim that she has had seizures since she was a baby and her mom didn’t know it is very questionable. Add the fact that I saw her frequently when she was a baby and never saw a seizure. I’m in the school of thought that says she actually had a brain fart (original idea) now and then and didn’t know what it was.

So, Lacie and her beloved rode the ambulance home where she took some medicine and lay down on the six cats that were sleeping on the sofa and went to sleep for a while. Then, like any good white trash woman, she got up and went back to WalMart to finish her shopping. She informed me that she had found the perfect dress and shoes…..at WalMart. The dress cost $20 and I am just praying that it does not have Taz, Mickey, or Winnie the Pooh on the front because she has a real thing for that type of  Disney fashion. I forgot to ask her what the sandals cost but I’m pretty sure they are jelly sandals

.

I proceeded to drill Lacie on details of her wedding.

Me…”So, where are you getting married and what time?”

Lacie…”I dunno. We still gotta figure that out.”

Me…”Who is performing the ceremony?”

Lacie…”Well, we have 2 preachers and need to pick one.”

Me…”Who are they?”

Lacie…”Uh uh uh….one is from a church down the street. I don’t know his name. The other one is one that I met at the ER.”

Me (trying to be helpful. Y’all stop laughing. I really was!) “Don’t you think that you need to talk to one of them a few days ahead of time and see if they’ll be available?”

Lacie…”giggle giggle” “Yeah, I guess we’re gonna have to figure that out, too.”

Now, it is almost one a.m. and I’ve had enough. I’m tired. I am not in good thinking mode and want to go to bed.

Me…”Well, did you tell your dad or your brother?”

Lacie…”Not yet. I’m gonna have to figure that out.”

Me…”Figure what out? All ya gotta do is call them.”

Lacie…”Yeah, but, uh, uh, I’m not gonna have a phone. So, I’m gonna have to figure that out.”

Me…”Well, congratulations. I really need to go to bed now. Let me know where and when.”

If this wedding takes place, I will do everything in my power to be there. Taking pics and video just so I can prove to y’all that this is true. And, besides, I’ve already got my wedding outfit picked out….a nifty sundress with Eyeore really big and right smack on the front.

Ain’t love grand.

Funny thing is, I found myself lying in bed later thinking about how much I’d like to be Lacie for a while. Do things by the seat of my pants. Not caring what other people thought about me. And, getting excited enough to go into a seizure. And….no more house cleaning!

UPDATE: 6/4/08 Lacie’s wedding has been postponed. So, all y’all who had planned on taking your vacation time to attend, please note the new date. July 4, 2008. YeeHaw….a real redneck wedding with fireworks!

Lacie just called and said that she was crossing the road and fell into a pot hole and sprained/broke her ankle. She was at the ER and had not been x-rayed yet. What is surprising to me is that she was walking across the road. Laci won’t go anywhere that requires walking. She “needs” the rascal”. (She claims)  Must have been giving away free tator chips or something on the other side of the road.

I’ve been on pins and needles waiting for the call to come with wedding details. But, when I finally got the call, it was to inform me that she had just gotten married!

DAMMIT!!!!!

Oh, sure, I’m happy for her, etc. etc. etc. But, I really wanted to attend and even better, take pics and movie. With one phone call, she wiped away all my dreams of being the next famous Youtube-er.

DAMMIT!!!!!

Instead, I was talking on the phone with the new Mrs. Lacie Drake.

Lacie Drake…..sounds like either a porn star or soap opera name. Actually, I rather like it. Presenting, for your entertainment…..Lacie Drake…..

She was plum giddy with joy. At least, I think she was but since she acts pretty silly most of the time, I can’t swear to it.

With out further rambling, here are the details that I have so far:

Lacie and Mr. Drake decided on July 1 to “just up and do it” on the 4thof July. She tried to call her dad. His phone was off the hook. She tried to call 2 uncles with no luck. She thought she had called me and let me know the details but she had not. Love makes you idle-brained (LOL that’s an inside joke to myself and I’m laughing at it). So, it was a small wedding.

Her two daughters and her son attended. One daughter sang a country song. Poor girl has never sang in public. She’s only 12. Sang with no music. Bless her heart! And, I’m not being sarcastic. I’ll bet her heart was full of music. After all, she was finally getting a daddy. I really hope that he will be good to those kids. They’ve had a hard life.

Now,everybody ready for the good parts?

Her son moved out of her house and in with his father about 8 months ago. This is not an ex-husband but a baby daddy. One of her baby daddy. Tom (name changed for protection of me) drove several hours from another state to bring his/her son to the wedding. That was very nice of him. He did something just as nice for her. I think he did it for her but could have had an ulterior motive, like making sure she got married which would most likely free him and his new wife from her harassment He has never paid court-ordered child support so there was no financial gain, either.. He bought them some wedding rings. Little gold bands. I find this to be very thoughtful but a little weird. How many of us can say that our baby daddy bought wedding rings for us and our new husbands?

I’m not sure how this came about but she got married in the Church of the Nazarene (which is a very lovely church). And, he must have been a lovely pastor because instead of the traditional couple pays the pastor, this pastor paid them since they were broke from the taxi cab ride to the church. Actually, he gave them money to go to Kroger’s or Wal-Mart and buy themselves a wedding cake. What a generous and kind thing to do!

Then, the son baby daddy offered to take the two girl’s (he’s not their baby daddy) for a few days to give Mr. and Mrs. Drake time alone (to make a porn movie? Lacie Drake just sounds like a porn name to me. But, secretly I want it. I want the name…..Lacie Drake. I want to get all decked out with a sexy dress and CMF pumps and enter a room. And announce…..Drake. Lacie Drake. That’s my name. Now, don’t wear it out. I thin that last part was from Pee-Wee’s playhouse. Of course, PeeWeeis associated with porn, too.

Drunk with love, Lacie and Mr. Drake decided to hell with a cake. Instead, they used the money to go to a traveling carnival…..where they each got to ride the Octopus, the Scrambler, the Ferris Wheel, and the Haunted House!

Got married on the 4th of July. Got to watch fireworks on your wedding night.

Got to ride the Scrambler!!!

DAMMIT! I’m pissed!!!! I didn’t get to take pictures. But secretly, I would love for my wedding to have been that cool (’cept the not having any money part).

CONGRATULATIONS MR AND MRS DRAKE (ALONG, OF COURSE, WITH YOUR KIDS AND MANY, MANY, MANY CATS!)

1-05-09

Hi y’all…..I’ve been slacking ’round here really bad. I’ve got tons of stuff to write about. My life might not be front page gossip-column material but sometimes, it is quite interesting.

I’ll write about my White Trash Christmas in the next post. But, right now, I just can’t resist updating y’all on The Life Of Mrs. Drake.

“Lacie” aka Mrs. Drake (I still think that sounds like a porn star/soap opera name) has been pretty much unreachable until this week. Her phone was disconnected (but, hey, she did get a ring!) and I had no way to call her. Sure, I could have gone over to her house. And, I would have if I didn’t mind sharing a seat with monster-size cockroaches and more cats than The Original Infamous Crazy Cat Lady. “Lacie” has soooo many cats that her tombstone should read…..

So, since it is winter and fresh air is a scarce commodity at the Drake household, try as I might, I just could not bring myself to go visit. I figured that I’d wait until late spring/early summer so that we might be able to sit outside. I’m not exaggerating. If only I were!

Over the weekend, I got a call from Lacie (no more quotation marks. Y’all get my drift by now). She seemed deleriously happy in her married life. Truthfully, though, she seems pretty deleriouspretty much most of the time about pretty much everything.  As I have stated before, I envy her breaks with reality and the ability to live in her own Laciland. I wouldn’t mind being so clueless sometimes.

Once again, I’m getting off-subject. So, back to the Drake household. It would take a novella-size post to repeat the entire conversation so here is a Cliff-note style summation.

 Lacie left out one minor detail about her new husband. Actually, that’s not true. She left out several details about her beloved.

1. She is the fifth Mrs. Drake

2. Her dearest is a convict. When she first called (read the whole post) to announce her impending wedding, I asked her what he did for a living. She said that he did “odd jobs” aka “no job“. What I discovered in the latest conversation is that he does leave for work on a regular schedule and comes on at the same time every evening. I know those of y’all who have followed the “Lacie Saga” are just holding your breath waiting for me to tell you that I was wrong about him. Nope…not gonna do it. His “JOB” is reporting to an inmate work-release program. He got busted selling prescription drugs. And, this was before she married him.

3. Lacie still seems to believe that I desire to have conversations with her favorite cat/cats on the phone. I’m sure that everyone has bit there tongue a time or two when a friend or relative insists that you talk to little Johnny or Susie, their blabbering toddler. Try talking to someone who wants to put Stinky, the cat, on the phone. What the hell am I suppose to say to a cat….”Meow are you today? Did you by any chance see that article in Cat Fancy about……?”

4. Worse than being shoved into holding a telephone with a purring cat at the other end is being shoved into holding the phone while Mrs. Drake insist on putting Mr. Drake on the phone. What the hell am I suppose to say…..”So, how’s work-release going? Made any friends?”

5. This is sickly hilarious. It seems that Mrs. Drake #4 , also, happens to be on the same work-release program as Lacie’s man. This seems to be causing lots of problems as she (#4) has been trying to push #5 (Lacie) out of the picture so that she and Mr. Drake might reunite. Mr. Drake has gone so far as to complain and has requested to be transfered to a different WR program. His request is pending. Now that’s TRUE LOVE!

6. Lacie had a wonderful Christmas, for which I am seriously grateful. Honest, I really am. She received the following gifts from her spouse. (a) a Tigger tee (b) a stuffed cat (c) a Hello Kitty necklace (d) Fluffy cat couch throw . Is it just me or do y’all see a feline pattern here, too?

7. As I mentioned before, Lacie has 3 kids. Her son chose to go live with his biological dad about 1-2 years ago. Her daughters, age 12 and 13, presently reside with her. For Christmas (which was delayed until she got her welfare check the 1st of Jan), she got both girls a cellphone that you load with minutes. Each girl got 130 minutes when their phones were activated on Jan. 2. Today is Jan. 5. Both girls have used all of their minutes as of yesterday. I wonder if they are calling 911 a lot?

8. Lacie has been having visions of her mother who died 3 years ago. These only occur when she’s sleeping. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that they are called dreams. In the visions,  her mother is assuring her of the love of Mr. Drake, and, of his unquestionable faithfulness . Maybe, I’m too cynical, but I get the feeling that Mr. Drake is disguising his voice as a woman and talking in her ear when she is sleeping. Call me crazy but…..

9. And, finally, in the Saga of Mrs. Drake, there is one more thing.  This probably should be 8b and connected to the last paragraph but a #9 is more impressive and makes the post longer. Mr. Drake’s brother is trying to “put the moves”  (her words) on Lacie. Seems he thinks that she “has money” (her words, again).  I suppose if you are a broke-ass, lazy dude with no future, those welfare and SSI checks seem almost Trumpish.

10. I’m sure that I’ll remember more of the conversation after I post this. If that is the case, I’ll be back!

There you have it…..the latest chapter of the RL Redneck Wedding Saga of The Drakes. And, I still cross my fingers-hope to die-stick a needle in my eye swear that this is all true.

I do soooo love my family. Life is not boring ’round here.

*Footnote 1……my brother is “moving on up”. Since living in the car,  he has moved twice, bettering himself each time. He moved from the car to a car wash. He got a job at the car wash and the owner allowed him to move into the maintenance building. Very wet place. It was OK during warm weather but cold weather came and lived in a land of frozen icicles.  He now has a camper that some people from a church donated to him and is living in it. I don’t think that  this will last very long. He has a pattern of joining a church and presenting himself as humble, poor, and kind. He has a “gift” of making people feel sorry for him. Then they help him until he loses his temper and does something crazy like call the pastor an asshole or something else offensive. At the present time, he is “preaching” once a week at the church. Where in the world he got “preacher qualified”, I don’t have a clue. I’ll write more about him some day.

5-30-09 Update….

Lacie has not been phoning me or TPSkipper very often. Finally, on Friday, TPS got a call from Lacie. Her phone had been cut off again and that’s why we couldn’t reach her or get a call from her. She wanted us to know that she is moving from the house that she has lived in for the past 10 years. She got evicted due to an enormous cat population and mold growing uncontrollably thru-out the Love Shack. She told Skipper that her husband was such a thoughtful and wonderful husband that he had patched the tires on his bicycle (LOL) and ridden in to a city that was about 12 miles away to look for them a place to live. I can’t help wondering if it would not have been easier if he had just pitched in and cleaned up the mess that they were living in. Anyway, he found them an apartment and they were packing their stuff for the move. I’m wondering how many bicycle trips that it will take to move all of their boxes to their new house?

My family….dysfunctional and strange…..but, always good for an interesting true story!

 

Decorating for Halloween…White Trash Style

 

I love Halloween! WIth the economy in the toilet now, I’m been busy as a one-legged woman in an ass-kickin’ contest trying to come up with frugal yet fun ways to decorate.

If you are like me and cannot at this time afford to go to Big Ruby’s Happy Hollidays Deco Store, then here are some great ideas that I’ve come up. I’ve found stuff around my house that I can use and thus, not spend a penny on store-bought decorations. I have become a regular White Trash Trailerpark dwellin’ Martha Stewart.

Feel free to steal any of these ideas.

Got kids? Grandkids? Any kids around? Head to their toy box. I found some really useful things in my friend’s little girl’s toy chest.

HANGIN ELMO

 SCARY!!!!Don’t have an Elmo? No problem! This is even scarier if you have a Baby Alive or American Girl doll. Use your imagination and hang up something unusual

 

.Got 2 or more Elmos? Here’s another great idea…..

 

I know what y’all are saying right now. That’s just too damn scary. So, if you think Removing Elmo’s Head is too frightening for your guest, you may choose just to remove Elmo’s hand. Not as scary but still gives goosebumps.

 

While rummaging around in the Little Tykes toy box, I came up with another super-dooper-guaranteed- to -bring- screams idea…..UNHOLY DOLLIESAll that you need for these heart-attack-inducing dolls are any kind of doll (baby dolls are the best, though) white chalk, and a black magic marker. If you are really creative, you may, also, use some catsup and make the dollies “bleed”. If you’re guest are really sick and unbalanced, get a baby doll that drinks and wets. There are even dolls now that “poop”. Water down the catsup, pull off doll’s head and fill the body cavity with the watered down catsup. This is also a good (sick ) way to play the old game, Hot Potato. Instead of dropping the “hot potato”, the loser squeezes the doll too hard and makes it have bloody bowel movements. Kids love this game!!!!!

 Here is a terrific outside idea. I, only, recommend this for people who are planning on painting there house soonor are card carrying Satanist

DISCLAIMER: Trailerparkbarbie is not responsible for your house still looking like this at Christmas. Please decorate responsibly.

While taking a break from painting my trailer, I got another fab idea. CHICKEN IN A TREE! BOO? NO…COCK-A-DOODLE-BOO!!!!!!

 Disclaimer: TPB is not responsible for any fainting, falling, or heart failures induced by Cock-a-Doodle-Boo. Please be responsible when putting fowl in your trees. Please remove chicken/rooster from tree within 24 hours.

Bwahahahha……just imagine the looks on your guests (or trick-or-treaters) faces, when out of no where, they hear a  screeeching rooster or hen noise coming from above!!!!!!

One more idea and then I’m off to decorate some more.

Don’t have a fog machine but wanna have the look of one? No problem! Invite all of your friends and family who smoke cigarettes, cigars, bongs, crack, or whatever. Seat them all together and when a visitor or trick-or-treater stops by……..VIOLA!

 

 

 

I hope that y’all have enjoy this chapter of White Trash Decoratin’.

Send your pictures of your party! Share the fright and fun with me.

Next time, I’ll tell you how to serve refreshments for little to nothin’!

Hodge Podge and The Things I Dodge….

 

AAAIIIIIIEEEEEEEE and ARRRRRGGGHHHHH and SHIYUUUUUUT! I feel like running away. Lately, I’m overwhelmed with too much to do. I really need to get  my head on straight ,place both size 7 feet firmly on the ground and tackle stuff that needs to be done around here. Instead, I procrastinate a lot. I’ve been feeling so tired and experiencing periods of depersonalization. What is depersonalization, you ask?

From The Cleveland Clinic website:

“Depersonalization disorder is marked by periods of feeling disconnected or detached from one’s body and thoughts (depersonalization). The disorder is sometimes described as feeling like you are observing yourself from outside your body or like being in a dream. However, people with this disorder do not lose contact with reality; they realize that things are not as they appear. An episode of depersonalization can last anywhere from a few minutes to many years. Depersonalization also might be a symptom of other disorders, including brain disease and seizure disorders. “

Ugghuggghityugggh…..I started this post early this morning. However, I have been feeling like an extra in The Night Of The Living Dead all day. I can’t get my butt motivated today. Procrastination? Ha…I’m the QOP (queen of procrastination). Here’s to hoping that I can wax my cerebral gears or whatever soon and finish writing what I orignally intended.

In the meantime, let’s all take this little Halloween quiz that I got in my email.

Good morning, friends and occasional readers. I tried upteenth times to get back to this post  yesterday. I wasn’t even procrastinating. Just a lot of activity around here.

And, today, I’m off to the dentist for a root canal!!!!!

So, here’s what I’m gonna do…..I’m gonna write the title of the recent drafts that I’ve done and you make up your own story. And, DO PLEASE POST IT!

Here goes:

The Turkeys Are Coming

This IS Gonna Take A Truckload of Charmin

I Should Have Married The Stupid Blonde Man

My Friends Are Lookin’ Old These Days

Why Are My Tongue Cracks Deeper Than Average

Halloween…..Ways To Scare Trick Or Treaters and Steal Their Candy

So, there! Have at it! I sure am hoping that when I get back in a few hours with a sore mouth, at least one of you guys will have written something to make me laugh!

Trailerpark Whing-Ding…..

So sorry, friends and acquaintances, frequent readers, strangers who happened upon this blog while Googling for redneck life, lists, or jokes. I haven’t been around much lately. I don’t take lightly the fact that it is my mission, appointment, undertaking in this life to enlighten y’all about my white trash goings-on.

But, as I wrote in my last post, I’ve been feeling a little “out-of-body” (depersonalization) lately.  When this happens, I just don’t feel like myself. The problem is that I’m starting to like whomever it is that I do feel like.

There I go getting off topic again. Oh look…a chicken. My problem is that I lack the hyperactivity part. And, that’s a bitch. I want the hyper part, too. Now, where was I?

Oh yeah, the shing-dig. It’s HALLOWEEN and that can only mean one thing. Time for our Jolly Jack-O-Lantern get-together. This year’s theme is “President-Smesident…Let’s PARTEEEEEE like it’s 2006″! I bought these to scare the hell out of any party crashers…..

  AAAAIIIIIEEEEEEEE! Scary stuff!I stuck that line in between them because I’m tired of hearing them right now. I didn’t want them to go at it while I’m trying to tell y’all about the party.

OK….let’s get to the important part….the EATS!!!!!! I try to be a little different and daring each year. This year was sorta hard since I was busy being “somebdody else” and that SE was pushing for fancy crap. TG, I got my body back in time to make sure that we had some refreshments. I took up a collection from around the park and ended up with $17.63, a couple of WIC coupons, and $9.31 in food stamps.  This allowed me to buy 17 things from the Dollar Tree and a couple of bottles of vino el cheapo at the Stop and Save. I kicked in enough money to buy enough beer for everyone to get a little bit crazy (depending on how crazy you are to start with).

Here’s the menu. Who could possible resist these treats?

Cousin Pat is bringing her mouth watering Big Scrub Ambrosia. She tries to keep her recepie a secret but everyone ’round here knows that she goes into her pantry and gets whatever fruit she has canned this fall and mixes it all together. Don’t let on like I told you, though.

Jr. Bledso is bringing his special “Tuna Puppies” that he only makes for holidays and wakes. He takes a couple of cans of tuna and mixes it with hard boiled eggs, salad dressing, and a “special sauce” that he won’t reveal. I think that sauce is actually packets of dressing that he has collected from fast food joints and mixes together.

Jeweldeen is bringing Suki-Wawh-Suki….some concoction that she came up with after eating at Huang Young’s Oriental and Gumbo House. I don’t know what that is because she won’t tell me. She says it’s a surprise. I just hope that it doesn’t surprise us in the same way that her Slut Puppies did last year. The Wal-Greens sold out of Kaopectate and hemmroid medicine in 24 hours. I think those little Sluts had a little too much jalepeno peppers and tabasco sauce.

Nancy Cartwheel is bringing her fabulous Old Rugged Cross cake. This is just a yellow cake that she shapes into a cross. I told her that I didn’t feel that a cross was really appropriate at a Jolly Jack-O-Lantern party but she says that there is no place better to make people think about whether they are going to hell or not than one of my “sinners conventions”.

Juanita Hix is bringing her Sloppy Sloppy Joes. Good thing that I bought black trash bags to use as table cloths. Those are so tasty but will ruin the heck out of your clothes with their juice.

My next-lot neighbor, Chit, has made up a bunch of his ass-kickin’ Pit Bull Punch…..Rum, sugar, 1 orange, 1 lemon, 2 limes, and 1 gallon of Mad Dog 20/20.

I bought 5 bags of candy corn, 7 packages of wax lips (2 per pack), and some gummi bugs and worms at the Dollar Store with the money that I collected. I hit the jackpot at the Serv and Sav. I took the nine bucks in food stamps and bought 4 bags of discounted potato chips (they had been opened and had been sorta smashed) and 3 containers of out-dated sour cream. I don’t think anyone will be able to tell that it’s out of date. I never can figure out how you know when sour cream is sour. I took the rest of the food stamps and bought some Firecracker balls. You know…those hot balls that make you feel like your mouth is on fire.

So, that’s what we have so far. I’m expecting some more guests to bring stuff. I’ve gotta run out tomorrow and head back to the Dollar Tree. I found 3 one dollars and a fiver under the couch cushions. So, now, I can buy a few decorations.

Listen up, friends and stopper-bys, this is a private party. Keep the details to yourself.

Plan on COMING EARLY AND STAYING LATE!!!!!!

Oh, and RSVP if it’s possible. I need to know how many chairs to borrow from the sewing/craft/yoga/book club rooom.

Happy Halloween From My White Trash Family…..

It’s sure been a busy couple of days around here. I’ve been working like a little busy beaver getting ready for the annual trailerpark Jolly Jack-O-Latern Whing Ding.

I’ve got a special treat for y’all that have been invited!!!!! This is a once in a lifetime experience for some of you. Weezer Wilson came by this morning to bring his dish for the party. Guess what he brought?  OMG! I’m so excited that I can’t hardly sit still long enough to tell you.

CHOCOLATE DIPPED SQUIRREL PAWS!

Yep, you read that right. It’s been really hard for me to stay out of the Maxwell House coffee can that he brought them in. He even went so far as to roll some of them up in nut pieces and some in colorful sprinkles!!!!! Now, if that don’t make you wanna come to the JOLWD, I just don’t know what would!!!!!

Here’s a pic of Weezer at last year’s The TrailerPark Gun Club Bake-Off……… And, you single girls…listen up…Weezer is not married! He was widowed 2 years ago when his wife, Willy, fell out of the back of their pickup truck on Interstate 64. Bless her heart! She manged to hold on to the fender for well on 2 miles but lost her grip when Weezer took a sharp turn into the Biscuit World parking lot to grab some breakfast to go. Willy was such a thoughtful person…..letting her frail, elderly uncle ride in the front of the pick up on the way to the flea market. She will be sorely missed as she always did pitch in and help with celebrations at the trailerpark.

Last evening, I went shopping again for scary stuff and a few more refreshments. Before heading off to the Dollar Tree, I stopped at a locally owned store that offers up some really good bargains. They buy lots of stuff from other stores. Stuff that is slightly damaged or last year’s high-falutin’ New York type fashions. I was tickled silly when I saw that all of their Halloween merchandise was already 75% off!!!!!!  I bought some bags of black ants and a bag of little skulls. They will make great cupcake toppers. Among the Halloween stuff, I noticed that Christmas stuff was already being stocked. There was a table of cookie mixes like gingerbread tree kits and such. To my shock and dismay, I saw this……..

Now, what the hey? Who in their right mind would want to bake up a little baby Jesus? Even worse, who would want to eat HIM? I knew that I had to do the right thing and buy up all five of those kits to keep some heathern baker from buying them. My word!!!!! I do love gingerbread, though. Maybe, I can roll it into something else. Like Tom Cruise. I wouldn’t mind chewing his head off.

Well, gotta run now. It’s already 4:30 and I still got a lot of stuff to do. I gotta finish up my Axl Rose costume…….

Hope to see all of y’all later on tonight!!!!

PS…..I had to take TrailerParkSkipper to the eye doctor this morning. She has been drivin’ me plum crazy wanting some of those Sarah Palin glasses. Boy, she was really upset when they told her that they were sold out and she would have to pick some other ones. NO! She insisted on the Palin ones. I took the optometrist assistant into the back room and got her to go along with foolin’ TPS into thinking that she had the SP glasses. Whaddya know? It worked. Here’s a pic I took of her when we got home. I just know VV is going to love this!

 Ain’t she a real cutie???????!!!!!!!!!!!!

13 Heads and Still Growing…..

I’ve never been much of a collector of anything. Well, that’s not  unless you count my dust bunny collection or my dryer lint collection……. which I had big plans to turn into art that would sell for gazillion big-ass dollars.I got that idea from a cool website.  I Saw This Lovely Picture At This Site.

But, as with almost everything else, I quickly lost interest. Then, there was the one time that I decided to collect discarded goth dolls…..…….only to discover that there are not that many. If you look at the upper right (Flickr pic), that is a discarded doll that somebody in my neigborhood threw up in a tree. I couldn’t climb high enough to get her down, though. That’s when I gave up the discarded doll idea.

But then I was given an unusal gift by TrailerParkSkipper for Christmas three or four years ago. It was a set of pottery shot glasses…..two eyes, one nose, and one mouth. I immediately fell in love with them. Since that time, I have been collecting body part pottery. The most expensive pieces that I have are Ugly Jugs/Jughead pottery heads. They are made by a native West Virgian named Ed Klimek. I love Ed’s pottery. The faces are so expressive. Ed’s wife has commented on my blog a time or two but it’s been a while since she has been around.  (Nancy, if you happen to come by, please tell Ed that I should qualify for a discount by now. OK?)

I have 13 pottery heads and most of them were made by Ed. Here’s some pictures of the Jugheads in my kitchen. I have renamed them (sorry, Ed) because each of them reminds me of a family member.

The jug on the left reminds me of my Dad. That cigarette laying in the middle of the shelf is fake. I let each of my Jugheads take turn smokin’ it.

 

 

Here, on the left, is my brother, the redneck infamous car wash dweller and flea market entrepreneur. Notice his ciggie……it stays in his mouth all the time just like in real life.   Let me introduce you to Lucy, the one in the middle. She is my latest acquistion. She is ME. Check out those hawwwt lucious lips!  I just got Lucy yesterday. It was my husband’s birthday and we (TPS and TPM and husbands) all went to Tamarack to have lunch. Tamarack is a big-ass tourist trap (except for eating lunch or dinner which is provided by the world famous Greenbrier ). Due to having to mediate hurt feelings between family members, I figured that I deserved Lucy! Lucy as my mediation award. On the other side of Lucy is Ralph, my half brother. Ralph died several years ago but that big-ass head is just like having him around still yet.

And, here we have Anna Nicole Smith’s toothless cousin, Shelley, on the left. Any ANS’s TV show watchers will know who I am talking about. On the right is my big sister, Chris.  I know that y’all are wondering if my sister was that weird looking. And the answer is….yes….and no. Yes because she had big solid black eyes (even though the Jughead’s are blue) and she had a couple of crooked lower teeth. Chris died on Mother’s Day 2 years ago. But, as with Ralph, I feel like she’s still here when I look at the big-ass head.

 

These two jugs do not look like any of my family members. The one on the left, I call “Ghetto Daddy” and the one on the right is Herman Munster. I think TrailerParkKen bought these two because he waits to go Christmas or birthday shopping until the night before and Tamarack was in low supply on big-ass heads.

I love these jugs not only for the way they look but they serve other roles. They are the “people” that I rant and biotch to when no one else is around. But, their best role is as my “audience”. I play air guitar, sing, put on dance recitals, etc. and this audience always thinks that I am da bomb diggity. They smile, whistle, and applaud (in my head) because if they didn’t, I would smash their big-ass heads!

I saved the best for last. It’s not pottery as you will see. This is, also, named Lucy. TPS bought her for me last year. I keep her at an upstairs window stitting on a little table looking out the window. I forget that she is there and when people ask me who is upstairs looking out, I go, “HUH?” Soon as they start to descirbe her, I damn near laugh my big-ass ass off……PRESENTING LUCY #1

Sometimes, I put hats and glasses on her if she looks really bored.

While I’m thinking about it, I’m going to test TrailerParkBarbie to see if she reallys comes and reads this blog. I’m about to post a picture of her that she definitely will not like. So, if I get a phone call consisting of me saying, “Hello” and than her screaming in my ear, I’ll know that she is actually reading it. But, if I get no call, then I will know that I can go ahead and put anything about her that I want to on here.

BWAHAHAHAHAHA

So, that’s my post for today.

UNLESS YOU WANT MORE PICS????????

I really wanting to post a political rant. A post about how damn stupid the coal miners are around here. And, I won’t take any crap from anybody who wants to comment about me calling the coal miners “stupid”. They are my neigbors, friends, and family members. And, they never question the UMWA telling them who to vote for in an election. There’s a possibility that my big-ass heads use their brains (which are non-exsistent) more often than these dumb asses do.

I feel better now. The last paragraph was good therapy and I didn’t have to pay a shrink a gazillion bucks!

White Trash Election Fashion….

Well, it’s finally here. For two years, we’ve been bombarded with negative ads, debates, 24/7 sound bites, and even an entire 30 minute episodes of Obama Luv Fest.

Before I write anything else, I just want to urge each and everyone of you to GO VOTE!!!! PLEASE!

I’m preparing to go vote in just a little while. I fell asleep on the sofa last night and did not do my voting ritual of laying out my special election outfit. Now, I’m in a major panic trying to find a suitable outfit.

One must present themselves as a serious person when arriving at the polling place.

Here are some pictures of the most popular outfits that you will see in my area at the polls…..

 This oh-so-daring-let-your-rolls-hang-out tank top and tight jeans is favored by the voters who go just before the polls close. These voters have been up all night listening to “Free Bird”, drinking Blue Ribbon beer, and eating canned spray cheese on crackers. After sleeping most of the day, they dress for voting and in hopes of finding an election parteeeee. I will not be wearing this one.

 Here we have the outfit worn by a voter hoping to make a little extra money at the polls (If you know what I mean. wink wink). This woman is most likely not even registered and therefore, can not vote. But, she will hang out in the parking lot offering sympathy to voters who believe that their candidate is losing. I will not be wearing this one, either.

 Around these parts, men have a tendency to squat and sit on their haunches if waiting in a line for anything. Actually, this is not limited to just men. Women may, also, be seen in this comfy, casual outfit. Zilch on this one for me but I’m sure some of my friends will be wearing it.

               And, here, we have some of the many t-shirts with sayings on the front that will be visible at the polls. These shirts are usually matched up with the butt-jeans above. I will not be wearing any of these, either.

 Definitely one of the most popular hair styles worn by white trash women (and men) standing in the voting booth line. Next most popular is the 80’s bad perm and poof….. (PS…Big Hair Envy….doesn’t this bring back some memories?)

A majority of men will be wearing the mullet or a various of it.  This next “do” comes in a very close second with men (and some women)…… This style is favored by local politicians who stand the legal amount allowed away from the polls holding signs with their names on them.

I will not be wearing any of those styles. I would be happy to wear the “poofy” but BigHairEnvy has all of the Aqua Net in the world stashed in a secret place.

Here I am inserting a picture of what the average poll worker looks like at my polling place………. Absolutely no nonsene from this lady while working. She takes her job very seriously. But, watch out!!!!! After the voting is over and all votes are counted, she’ll be doing a bump-and-grind number on top of a table at the local bar with total abandoment!!!! Please take note of the flannel shirt….another MUST in local white trash fashion.

Although, tempted to wear a flannel shirt, it’s going to be in the high 70’s here today. I’m leaning toward a cooler (temp and fashion) outfit…..now whre did I put that t-shirt that I ordered last week…..

I would just love to show you some more fashions but I gotta run. It takes a while to get my blue eyeshadow just right!

I Still “Heart” Gary Busey……

I’m shivering with excitement. Goosebumps are running the full length of my extremities.

HE’S BACK!!!!!!!! 

After wiping the tears from my eyes caused by the scene on Grey’s Anatomy of the old man trying to give CPR  to his dead wife , (did any of ya’ll see it? OMG! Soooo sad) I decided to channel surf and find something a little more light-hearted.

I ran through all the cable news programs and skipped right over every single one of them. I am taking a sabbatical (sounds religious but just a fancy word for break) from any news for a while. It’s been really difficult, too. I am a news junkie! But, I just don’t think that I could watch the news right now without totally breaking down and beating my head against the wall. But, let’s not discuss the reasons for that right now. I’m trying to purge myself of any and all images of sound bites, election coverage, candidates speaking, Shep, Greta, Bill, Hannity and the rest.

I had flipped a lot of channels when I thought that I saw Gary Busey. In rehab. In Celebrity Rehab to be exact. So, I backed up and lo and behold there he was with his big-ass capped teeth, looking crazy crazier than normal. He was talking to Tawny Kitaen, OJ’s ex-girlfriend. The last that I had heard about her, she had beat the hell out of her baseball playing husband.

I did not recognize any of the other people. One guy barely moved his mouth when talking. I became fascinated with his speaking. He kinda reminded me of a ventriloquest’s dummy. Just without the ventriloquiest. He turned out to be Steven Adler, ex drummer for Guns n’ Roses.

“Similar to the first cycle, the second season of “Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew” will follow the real-life experiences of celebrity patients undergoing detoxification and treatment at a center in the Los Angeles area. The show will follow Jeff Conaway as he checks back into rehab after a series of back surgeries, setbacks and subsequent reliance on pain medications. Joining him in rehab are Sean Stewart (Sons of Hollywood), Amber Smith (model/actress), Rodney King, Nikki McKibbon (American Idol), Steven Adler (Guns n Roses) and Tawny Kitaen (Actress). Gary Busey, who is 13 years sober, will also be joining the cast to share his experiences and thoughts on the recovery process.”…..VH1 website

Gary Busey will have great words of widsom for his fellow rehab friends.

Like:

Gary on Life Before Christ……”…the experiences that God gave me to go through…which were cocaine, which were extravagant living in the fast, fast, fast, fast, fast lane, see?”

Gary on Philosophy and the Problem of Evil….”… your shadow, the dark side. C.G. Hume writes about it, in terms of the fact that every one of us has a dark side. And my dark side, my shadow, my lower companion is now in the back room blowing up balloons for kids’ parties”.

On his recovery from a motorcycle accident….”“One night…at [the hospital], I was sitting in bed…and saw the Grim Reaper standing in the corner. He was seven feet tall, with a brown robe. He pointed to me and said, ‘Relax, it’s not your time to go. You have been given gifts. These gifts are ready to be received by mankind. So get on your feet and improve.’ Then he laughed, spun his scythe and left. I wasn’t asleep and I hadn’t been for days. Whether this was a premonition or an angel in disguise, I don’t know. But it was a positive reinforcement to stay on the road to recovery, which I’ve done.“

Excerpts from an interview done with Metal Rules magazine…..

MR: What’s your favorite cheese?

GB: (Pause)  Cake.

MR: Cake?

GB: Cake!

MR: Oh… okay.

GB: Cheesecake.

GB: “I’m doing high intensity training, science, philosophy, and nutrient supplements.  And I feel better than I’ve felt in years… since I can remember. ….  I’ve also done some intensives on the spiritual, body/mind balance.  Spirituality, mind and body balance with a lady named Carolyn Braddock.  And I have so much energy.  I mean I’ve been told by doctors and surgeons that I have the energy of ten men who have normal jobs.  And now that energy is balanced.”

MR: Now is that something that you can overdo? 

GB: What?

MR: Is it possible to overdo something like that?

GB: Overdo what?

MR: I don’t know, spirituality or the aerobics or…

GB: NO!

MR: Like anything else?

GB: NO! NO!  No, you cannot overdo that.

MR: ‘Cause the thing I wonder about…

GB: Imagine the peace symbol.  The peace symbol has three pieces in it.  One piece is emotion, that’s your body.  Another piece has spirit in it, that’s your fuel.  Another piece has intellect in it and that’s your steering wheel.  You can never overdo the fuel that goes into the body, which is the emotions and the steering wheel to drive it.

“Fear is the dark room where the Devil develops his negatives.”…Gary Busey

“ There has got to be more to life than being a really, really, ridiculously good actor.” Gary Busey

 

I could list a ton of Gary’s quotes but I’m got stuff to say about some more of the Celeb cast.

 

Rodney King….RODNEY KING” He’s the guy who said “Why can’t we all just get along?”  Isn’t he kinda non-celeb cleb? However, he does seem like the sanest one of the bunch.

 

Sean Stewart…son of Rod Stewart. WTF? Maybe, this show should be named Kinfolk of Celebrities Rehab.

 

 Nikki McKibbon and Amber Smith??? Who are they? Never heard of either one of them.

Last but not least….presenting…..Jeff Conway. If any of you caught any of the Celeb Rehab shows last year, you will know what I mean when I call him a 1st Class Nut-job!!!!

This show is one hot mess of has-beens and losers! But, it sure took my mind off real news. It ,also, gave me a great idea. Listen up all Church of the Dali Mama members……we need a couple of volunteers to develop habits bad enough to need rehab. If any of y’all already have one, that would be a big plus. See, we get one or two of us in there and start converting them to the CODC (except the nonceleb celebs). Then, we TITHED them. Right there is enough money to build us a fine meeting place! Any volunteers?????

 

I’ve got so much more to say about these “celebs” but it’s late and I’m tired. I’ll write more biting, sarcastic remarks on another post.

 

Over and out!

 

 

 

Dadgonnit, I’m Tired…..

It seems lately that I just cannot catch up. There is always something going on. Some of it (I admit) I do bring on myself. Like my compulsive to buy and sell on eBay. I do make money but right now it’s not worth the aggravation and time that it takes. But, even when I have a full day, I will dwell on it and dwell on it until finally I’ll give in to the addiction. I hop in my car and go  out to the store where I buy all the marked down stuff, buy a bunch, and go home.  I’ll throw the bag of stuff on top of the other bags of stuff that I have alrighty bought to sell on eBay. Then, everytime I pass it, I feel guilty and stressed. It’s a regular cycle and I used to try to fight it but always lost. Now, I don’t even fight the impulse. I’ll stop whatever I am doing and go to that store and start all over again. Actually, I buy great quality stuff that I do make pretty good money on when I get time to list it.

Take today, for example. I woke up tired. Here’s why I woke up tired. Went to a QVC auction last night. It didn’t end until 11:30pm. I got home after midnight and had to get up to go to church this morning. Yes, I said church.  The only time that I feel halfway calm is in church. However, right after church, I drove out to THE STORE where I purchased 20 packages of men’s size 2XL tidy-whities for eBay. As crazy as that sounds, it’s probably one of the most sane things that I’ve done in that department lately. I have found my little niche’ on eBay and I hope I’m not risking offending in of ya’ll when I tell ya what it is.

It is…..”drumroll please”….ta da….Giant size undies for ladies and gents! Them suckers sell really well.

Just so you know, though, I do not sell this kind>>>>>> To be honest with y’all, though, I would if the store had them and they made me a good profit. Who am I to judge what people wear around their own home. I sure hope that guy is in his own home, for sure.

. They sell for more on ebay than in department stores. I was mystifyed by this at first but then I think that I figured it out. People who are rather larger either cannot find their sizes in stores or they do not want to go out in public and purchase them. That’s my guesses.

Back to the auction. I went two weeks ago and had “SUCKER” written on my forehead. I bought a tray full of electronics….cameras, DVD players, GPS systems, etc. I paid 95 bucks for them. My reasoning was that if just 2 or 3 electronic gadgets worked, it would be worth it. Long story short…not worth it…none worked. UNRETURNABLE! But, I had also bought two air electronic air fresheners (Ionic Breezes) and neither of those worked. But, they were guaranteed for 30 days. So, I went to the auction just to return the Breezes. I had the one intention of returning them and getting my money back. I was a little taken aback when I was told that I would not get my money back. Instead, I was issued “auction bucks”……just as good as money according to the guy at the desk. Now, I may not be Steve Forbes, but I do know that I cannot spend auction bucks at WalMart or the gas station.

This video is a lot like some auctions that I use to go to. I’ve never seen so many “holler people” in one place in my entire life as at those auctions……

The auctions that I am going to now  have either HSN or QVC merchadise.

Once again, I’ve gotten off my original posting idea.

It was, I AM TIRED!!!!!

I’m too tired after writing this much to tell you anything else that is going on. But, I can’t end this post without telling you this.

Last weekend was hubby’s b-day. My oldest daughter bought him too very interesting books. I’ll probably read them myself.

My youngest daughter, also, bought him a book. I will not be reading that one, though. The title: The History Of Ice, Cooling The South, The Block Ice Era 1875-1976.

I can feel the giggling coming on again right now. Your first question (as mine was) is who read that book? But, I had to, also, ask myself two more questions:

Who would write that book?

Who would buy that book as a gift (or for any reason).

I was gonna be nice and put a pick of that book on here so you’d see that I’m telling the truth. But, no can do—True Blood is on and I’ve just gotta see what happens to lil Miss Sooki and that onery Miss Tara ( and the rest of that crazy bunch). And, Sam is gonna reveal that he is a shape shifter and Jason is caught up with that psycho biotch….and…….I gotta go.

Jobs???!!!!!!!

I know! I know! Everybody, including myself, is sick of all the election hooplah and crap. But, I got this in my email and it seriously reminds me of a lot of people around here.  I don’t know what it’s like in y’alls neck of the boogerwoods, but J-O-B-S is an ugly 4 letter word in the vocabulary of generational welfare families in these parts. Then, maybe, they are the smart ones (not!). Free health care, free dental care, clothing vouchers, food stamps, Thanksgiving/Chirstmas free dinners and food baskets, Shop With A Cop, Toys for Tots, Head Start perks for parents, and so on and so on and……

Hmmmm…..looking at all that written in black and white makes me rethink working and being self-effecient. I wonder where do I sign up?

 

 

In other news…..I came across a blog today that is written by two senior ladies who have been friends for 60 years. It’s very opionated and I don’t agree with everything that they write. But, I have added it to my blogroll because I admire the feistiness and gusto used in writing the blog. I’ve added it to my blogroll….Margaret and Helen.

Let’s see….hmmm…what else do I want to write about?

Oh….Vinyl Villager is competing with another blog on BlogExplosion. Go vote for him! He’s da bombdiggity!

And, Dear Allison, another really great blogger gave me an award which I really do appreciate. Here’s where I admit that I am a stooge when it comes to putting stuff in my side-bar. I really wanted to dispaly it and Vinyl V has offered to help me. I’m gonna take him up on it just as soon as I get some extra time. For now, I’ll just show it right here to y’all……

Go check out her blog. She’s great!!!! She writes about stuff that hits close to home for me.

I’ve really been busy lately and have been neglecting my blogging buddies. So, here’s a shout out to Big Hair Envy,  Moonbeam McQueen, Note To Self, saltedlithium, Girl From the Ghetto, and The Incredible Woody. These are not all of my buddies but frankly, I’m getting tired and it’s time to curl up on the couch in front of the television. If I have not listed you, friend, don’t worry. I promise to list you next time.

Were it not for the people that I’ve mentioned, I probably would have quit blogging by now. They do not realize (and I’ve never taken the time to tell them until now) how much encouragement they are to me. Their comments are funny, interesting, and informative. I am always pleasantly surprised to find my faithful blogging friends have commented on my posts. Even when I think the post is pretty much a piece of crap.

Here is where I was going to post a pic of a group hug but hold-the-phone-Hilda!!!!! I found something much better…….Group Hug.

From Group Hug……..

“Today I’m stopping smoking weed, for a while. It’s fucking with my head, and my voice sounds weird.

Stuff gets better without weed. If only I could get a girlfriend…”

” fell in love with my boyfriend because he didn’t treat me like a slut like all the other guys did. Sometimes, though, I wish he’d f*ck me like I was one.”

“does little happy dance”…..Guys, y’all gotta go check this out. It’s a gold mine of material for posts!

“I fart in my office whenever I want. I’m the boss. Don’t like it? Bring some air freshener. “

“Your a sick human being. Better be careful cause you might get a booger in your coffee. “

“to my coworker to finds thirty to be “old” and “scary”, f*ck you and the tricycle you rode in on. thirty’s coming for you too, bitch.”

One last thing. Then, it’s couchiepoo time.

To the chicks and Dan at Bipolar Chicks Blogging. You guys are the smartest, funniest, and most caring people that I have ever known….online or real time. I am not ignoring you. Truthfully, I’m retreating into “funny world”, where things are not allowed to get too serious. Dan, I have answered your email 4 times. Couldn’t hit the “send” button, though. All 4 times, I hit delete. I wasn’t lying when I told y’all that I cannot handle expressions of concern very well. It’s not something that I am use to. Please forgive me for you are a wonderful man and a great friend to all of us. Seriously.

Saturday Welfare Joke….

Guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, ‘Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I’d really rather have a job.’
 
The social worker behind the counter said, ‘Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You’ll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he’ll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You’ll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year.’ The guy, wide-eyed, said, ‘You’re bullshittin’ me!’
 
The social worker said, ‘Yeah, well . . . you started it. 

The Stinky Belly Button Club….

I had no idea that there were soooo many people with stinky belly buttons. But, I have quite a few responses to this post. I kinda expected a lot of comments on my poontang but not my stinky abdomen hole.

In the interest of the comfort, social status, and support of my fellow members of The Stinky Belly Button Club…..this post is for you!

You say that it’s not your belly button that you are googling? You are doing an act of kindness for a friend, loved one, neigbor or co-worker? Yeah….right! Well, here’s is a great gift idea for your “buddy”…….

Belly Button Lint Remover……

Take a long bead and stick a piece of pipe-cleaner through it, make a tiny loop at one end so it won’t come out of the bead.

At the other end, make the pipe cleaner into a circle and attach the end into the top of the bead. (So it looks like a tiny toilet brush). Stick it into a small zip bag.

Print the words, “Genuine Belly Button Lint Remover” on white cardstock, print it out and fold it, then staple it to the top of the ziplock bag.  Here’s a couple of little poems that you could include:

Don’t mean to be blunt,
but take a hint. . .
This little brush is
for belly button lint!
———-

And, if you are really disgusted by their belly odor or are dealing with clueless people, I wrote another little ditty….

If you can’t take a hint

Then learn from this ditty

Your belly button scent

Smells downright shitty!

 .  This gift can be given anonymously thru the mail or just by leaving it on the desk of your co-worker. If the offending belly button owner goes to church with you, you can slyly stick it in the hymnal that they will be using. 

In the event that the SBBC (Stinky Belly Button Club) goes global, here are names used by people in other parts of the world. This is just so we will know what they are referring to when they post about “my knob” or “my hub”.

The belly button has many names, including the fairly technical term “navel”. “Navel” comes from the Anglo-Saxon word “nafela”.

The Romans called the belly button the “umbilicus”.

The Greeks called it the “omphalos”. So if you add the Greek word “tomê” (meaning “cutting”), you get “omphalotomy”. This word means “cutting of the umbilical cord”.

Omphalos also means “knob” or “hub”. The Greeks erected a holy stone, or fetish stone, in the Temple of Apollo at Delphi (on the slopes of Mount Parnassus near the Gulf of Corinth). They called this rounded conical stone the Omphalos (or Navel), as they thought that it marked the exact centre of their universe.

The original inhabitants of Easter Island called it “Rapa Nui” (”Great Rapa”) or “Te Pito te Henua” (”Navel of the World

One-eyed Mabel (would be one-eyed nabel in German)

poopachek … Hungarian 

Mistress Smelly, Stinky and Kinky….white trash dominatrix (OK, I made that one up).

If you have another name, please feel free to add it to the list.

SBBC Activities…..

Naval Gazing….

The phrase “contemplating one’s own navel” has the ring of a long and honourable history behind it. The word “omphaloskepsis” (also called “omphaloscopy”), meaning “contemplating one’s navel as an aid to meditation”, sounds like it is thousands of years old. “Skepsis” is a Greek word meaning “the act of looking, or inquiry”. However, the Merriam-Webster web site “Word of the Day” column claims that omphaloskepsis was invented only in the 1920s.

This was not the first time people tried to find enlightenment in the navel. In the past, an “omphalopsychic” was one of a group of mystics who gazed at their own navel so as to induce a hypnotic reverie. The Greek Christian monks of Mount Athos used a specific method of navel contemplation called Hesychasm, to maximise the divine enlightenment. This method would presumably have given them many different insights into divine glory.

But another navel divination method, “omphalomancy”, gave only one specific item of information. It predicted how many children a woman would give birth to, by counting the number of knots (bumps in the fleshy plaiting) in her umbilical cord when she was born.

That was from the Great Bellybutton .

Enjoy these great quotes about belly button fluff that I found while researching belly buttons.

BBF uses

storage: “My friend collects his boyfriend’s and stores it in his teddy bear.”

clothing: “I’m saving mine to knit a jacket.”

“yeah yeah”: “I’m collecting it for my male pattern baldness . . . ”

homecraft: “I reckon we should establish Belly Button Lint collection stations, and make doonas and pillows from it. Maybe we could establish a cottage industry, and have people with spinning wheels recreating cotton and other fabrics from the lint.”

firestarting: “It’s useful as tinder when out in the wilderness.”

lighting: “Could Belly Button Lint be combined with ear wax to make a candle? This could go some way towards solving the energy crisis.”

So, let’s bring to order our first meeting of the one and only official Stinky Belly Button Club!!!! Membership is FREE but you must have a smelly belly to qualify.

How Will Obama Hurt Small Business?

 I got this in my email. I don’t know who wrote it. If anyone knows, post it in a comment and I will be more than happy to give them credit for it.

This is for my blogger friends who have small businesses. ENJOY!

Fellow Business Executives:

As the CFO of this business that employs 140 people, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barrack Obama is our next President, and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way.

To compensate for these increases, I figure that the Clients will have to see an increase in our fees to them of about 8% but since we cannot increase our fees right now due to the dismal state of our economy, we will have to lay off six of our employees instead. This has really been eating at me for a while, as we believe we are family here and I didn’t know how to choose who will have to go.

So, this is what I did. I strolled thru our parking lot and found 8 Obama bumper stickers on our employees’ cars and have decided these folks will be the first to be laid off. I can’t think of a more fair way to approach this problem. These folks wanted change; I gave it to them.

If you have a better idea, let me know. 

I’ve Got The Fever….

……cabin fever!

Monday morning…Nov. 17

Dear Diary (and loyal readers of which I am up to 9 now),

It’s been snowing on and off here for a few days. Actually, it’s quite lovely. It’s kinda Norman Rockwellish. I can look outside my window and see deer eating or running thru the snowy front field.. Aren’t they just precious? God’s creatures. I could just sit for hours and watch them frolic!!!! As a matter of fact, I’m gonna fix me a big-ass cup of hot cocoa (maybe, even throw a few mini marshmallows in) and just relax and watch Bambi and friends play their (rein)deer games.

Monday afternoon…..legs getting a little stiff. Think I’ll go out and see if I can get close enough to one to touch it. I’ll come back and report whether or not I could do it.

Got really close to the next to the largest. But, then something really crazy happen. It opened it’s mouth and let out a sound that resembled a cross between a small child screaming and a werewolf. I immediately started backing up very slowly under the watch of it’s huge, dark eyes. That’s when I remembered all the stories that I’ve read and see on the news about deer attacks. I started backing up quite a bit faster. Finally, the deer turned and went the other way followed by it’s deer-homies. I sat on the porch a few minutes to make sure those beasts were gone (and checked to see if I had peed my pants) and then decided to walk out thru the snow into the field. I might mention here that boredom had started rearing it’s ugly head. When I got out to the field, I fould the deer had left me a parting gift…. Actually, the turds were theirs. I made a smiley face with them. Boredom up to Level 2 now.

So, I went back in and mixed some hot cocoa, threw it in the sink, and drank some wine instead.

Tuesday morning,

Woke up with a knot on my shoulder from the flu shot that I had gotten very eary Monday morning (before that crappy snow started coming down). But, I went outside, swept snow off of the porch and off my 4WD Jeep. I had to go out. Norman Rockwell can kiss my ass.

Now, some of you may remember that I posted a good while back about car shopping. My Jeep had several years on it and was making some noises that sounded like a whale farting. Being the gigantic procrastinator that I am, I hadn’t gotten around to deciding what kind of car to buy yet. Oh well….I would just ignore the whale farts and go to the post office and maybe, to Wally World or the grocery store. I took my shower and got all snazzy-Mayed up. I decided to start my car and let it warm up while I ate a yummy (not) Lean Cuisine for lunch. After lunch, I picked up my purse, put on my coat and headed out. I had forgotten one important thing……my heater/defroster only worked sporadically. Crapola!!! I went to the basement and hunted around until I found a can of defroster spray. It was almost empty but I figured I had enough to clear my windshield. Being in this predicament before, I knew from experience that the windshield would not stay clear long and I would have to move FAST!  I cleared a spot big enough to partially see thru and drove straight to an auto supply place to buy a portable fan. I had heard that you could buy one that hooked into your car ciggie lighter. Luckily, they did have one…ONLY ONE…left. I thanked my lucky stars and bought it. I was a little taken aback that it only cost $15.00 but I just thought I was having good luck.

NO! I was not having good luck. They did not have just one left. They had the only one that they had ever had in stock for the last 10 years left. Let me give you an idea of how strong that heater/defroster was. I could pull my seat up as far as it would go in order to get my face as near as possible to the windshield and gently blow and it would have worked better than that piece of cheap crap. I figured that I had better go back home. The roads were pretty bad and the snow was still coming down. Plus, I now know what it would be like to try to drive if you are blind. I could not see a damn thing. I had to drive about 12 miles an hour on a 4-lane road with a speed limit of 65 to avoid a high speed crash. A few rude people almost caused me to have a slow speed crash by coming up behind me and laying on their horns. WTF did they think? Scaring the shit out of me would clear my windshield?

Tuesday evening…..

My son-in-law, a few days earlier, had talked me into signing up as a distributor for Monavie. Monavie is being touted as the new miracle cure for almost everything.

Monavie……

MonaVie Active® Juice

 

MonaVie™is a delicious and energizing blend of the Brazilian acai berry – one of nature’s top super-foods – and other nutrient dense fruits. Developed with the philosophy of Balance-Variety-Moderation, MonaVie products deliver the phytonutrients and antioxidants you need to maintain a healthy and active lifestyle.

 

MonaVie Active Juice contains the additional benefits of glucosamine and esterified fatty acids.

The pushers of MonaVie claim that this purple miracle juice cures everything from acne to constipation to cancer. I am so gullible about miracle cures that I let him lead me thru signing up to be a distributor. I have no intention of selling it to but one person….myself. I was feeling pretty silly when he asked me for a profile name and I responded with “Iliketoshit” in reference to the constipation cure aspects of the juice. It was pretty funny when I got an acknowledgement email addressed to “Iliketoshit”.

It is recommended that you drink 2-4 oz of MonaVie 1-2 times a day. The only problem with that is it cost $30 a bottle and only has 21.5 ounces in a bottle. This could be a quite expensive experiment.Being the good wife that I am, I hid the bottle from hubby. No sense getting his hopes up about the miracle juice until I try a WHOLE bottle first, right?

There is a website named The Purple Horror that I found to be quite an entertaining read. It was sooooo interesting that I lost track of MonaVie consumption and drank the entire bottle. Uh oh….not good. Was I going to get the running shats? Glad to report that I didn’t. There goes the constipation cure claim.

Wednesday…….

……Remember the movie, “The Shining” adapted from the Stephen King book? Jack Nicholson chopping down the door with an ax and sticking his big-ass head thru it? Well, that is how I am starting to feel….like a crazy person stuck in a big hotel in Nowheresville.

“Little pigs! Little pigs! Let me come in! Not by the hair of your chinny-chin-chin! Then I’ll huff! And I’ll puff! And I’ll blow your house in!” Jack Nicholson (Jack Torrance) in The Shining

By now, I’ve read a whole book, cut my fingernails and toenails. I’ve dusted all the vents in my house and done all the laundry. I’ve watched everything that I have recorded on my DVR. I am so friggin’ bored that I am considering making prank calls even though I know everyone has caller ID.

“”Here’s to five miserable months on the wagon, and all of the irrepairable harm its caused me.” Jack Nicholson (Jack Torrance) in The Shining

This is where it gets ugly, I’m ashamed to say. I pull the case (yes, I bought a whole case) of Mona Vie out of hiding and start drinking. It’s full of good stuff. Couldn’t hurt me, right?

I spent the next couple of hours watching re-runs of My Big Redneck Wedding and drinking magic juice. One and 3/4 bottles……

I don’t feel so swell right now. But, a call to 911 might break up the monotony!!!!!

Gotta run now…..seriously….Iliketoshit has to.

My Big What???????

Great! Just great!!!!!!

I been suffering from insomnia for a while now. I usually have trouble sleeping for several nights in a row. Then, thankfully, I have a nice, restful night.

Tonight should be my restful night.

“Beyond any doubt, any woman is going to surprised with your really big.What are you waiting for? It’s going to be way too simple!”

 

I got this is in my email. Normally, I delete spamed crap like this. But, for some unexplainable reason, I caught the words “your really big” before my finger hit the delete button.

Now, here I am. It’s almost midnight. I can’t stop wondering and asking myself…..my really big WHAT?

banana?……. 

cry-baby, bald naked man in the corner?

……horned cheeseball head?

hair?……

 

My big whaaaaat? I just do not know.

Just a mere 57 minutes ago, I was ready to go to bed and sleep. Now, here I sit. Wondering about what is it that she/he was talking .

But, even worse, how does he/she know that it’s big???????

Cheap White Trash Christmas Gifts…

I’ve been pretty busy lately but darn-it, I can’t let y’all down this year. Last year’s WT gift ideas was pretty popular. This year, with the economy in the toilet, I feel that it is my White Trash duty to help you come up with gifts for each and everyone on your lists!

And speaking of toilet…..This Mammy toilet paper cover will just scream “Ho Ho Ho” all year long. You can find the instructions here. Can’t crochet? Neither can I!!! So, I just buy a bottle of Mrs. Butterworth, smash the head off of it and just use it straight up on the toilet paper. Make sure that all glass shards are off of it, though. Otherwise, you will have to make the gift receiver one of these….To make your own soulful first-aid kit, cut bandage shapes from colored paper, write out motivating quotes (ex. Be careful with glass around your ass!) and well-wishes, and present them in a doctored-up bandage box. What kind of Scrooge would not enjoy reading motivational words what sitting on the john??????

I can hear some of you saying right now, “But, TPB, I can’t afford yarn much less Band Aids or Mrs. Butterworth. Never fear, my friends. This next gift is my personal fav. And, the best thing is…it’s TOTALLY FREE!

Gift certificates and coupons……FREE! FREE! FREE! How? Easy as 1-2-3. Go to your local post office at least once a day. If possible, make several trips. Make sure that you are carrying something that looks like mail that either you have received or are going to stick in the box. Casually, cruise the trash cans. Train your eyes to spot discarded goodies. I, personally, have recovered $10 off $10 for JC Penney’s, Fashion Bug,Kohl’s and Lane Bryant. Keep your eye peeled for discarded magazines. I haven’t paid for a magazine in well on 5 years. For the little ones…..look for envelopes with return addresses such as Society for the Blind, Disabled Veterans and such. These usually contain FREE stuff like bright stickers for that little one on your list. Two years straight, I lucked out and got Christmas cards and calendars…..big buck savers!!!!!!

However, you probably want to wait until the lobby is empty. You don’t want to run the risk of being accused of stealing people’s identities. Some people get down-right nasty if they see an envelope with their name on it in your hands. But, IMO, they shouldn’t throw good stuff away! Nosey boogers!!!!!!

Here’s one that has proven popular year after year……Handmade jewelry. String something on fishing line or thread. Suggestions of things to string…..marcaroni, popcorn, Fruit Loops, Cheerios (any cereral with a hole), penne pasta, marshmallows or anything that you have laying around that will accomodate a needle. Got an extra buck or two? Go to the Dollar Store and buy some spray paint and decorate your jewelry in festive colors.

Now, here’s a thougtful present that’s sure to please the office worker on your list. A paper weight! The second part of paper weight is weight. Just go outside and look around until you fin a big-ass rock. Then use your imagination to decorate it. Glitter it! Write something endearing with a magic marker on it.Tie a big bow around it and there ya go!  That’s not exactly the rock that I had in mind, but, hey…..he’d do just fine!

Ornaments….Take different sizes of paper cups, wrap outside with Dollar Store aluminum foil. Turn upside down and VOILA…a silver bell for your favorite person.

Next time, we’ll learn how to make decorations out of discarded stuff or things that you already have around the house.

Such as….TAMPON LIGHTS…

Who says that you need money to spread the joy of the season????

Things

More White Trash Christmas….

I seriously wish that I could take credit for the following, but I can’t. I found this on Tampon Crafts. I sure wish that I had thought of this first.

“Your period comes every month, but Xmas comes only once a year. So bring that menstrual joy to this holiday season with these tampon tree decorations. From a string of tampon lights to a star at the top of the tree, feminine hygiene has never been so festive!”

This one is for Big Hair Envy….

 

CHECK THIS OUT!!!!! I’m gonna hang these babies all over my mobile home this holiday season. Oooieeee! Soooo purdy that I can’t wait to go to the Dollar Store uptown tomorrow! Your friends and relatives will be so jealous when they see these festive babies!

These festive tampon “lights” will brighten up your tree, or add a cheery touch to a window or doorway.

 Easy instructions at the Tampon Christmas craft site. While you are there, be sure and check out the fab New Year’s Eve ball, pan flute, and other fantastic (and cheap) ideas. There is even a craft/gift for the bald guy/woman on your list. Looky at this…..

HAIR>>>>>>> Uncle Jack won’t need Hair Club For Men after he gets this beaut!!!!!

Whoever does the Tampon craft site is a downright brainiac in my opinion. But, I can claim credit for this idea. Dip the tampons in your favorite body splash or cologne. Not only will they look festive but your house will smell great! Or, make a set for that hard to buy for person on your list. Dip them in their fav scent. They will think about you everytime that get a whiff of that colorful “woman’s item”.

Here’s another little tip/idea…..limit the number of “lights”  to 4 or less. Dip them in Pine-Sol or Dollar Store brand pine cleaner. Great smellin’ air fragrences for pick-ups and cars.  (Ladies…..these can, also, be used to mark your terrority).

Tampons….not just for that time of month (wink wink) any longer!!!!!

If you’re like me, you’ve been wondering what to do with all those empty Valium, TylenolPM, and vitamin  bottles that are laying around in your secret personal bathroom cabinet. Well, here’s a handy-dandy craft/gift that will use those suckers up so fast that you’ll have to doc-shop to fill  find something else to keep there.

Medicine bottle snowman…… Directions for making this lovely item can be found here. Check it out. There are lots of other cheapass thoughtful gifts on that site.

If you’re like me, cash flow has become almost non-exsistent since AIG took us (the honest, hard-working tax payers for a ride 2 or 3 rides). And,  you’re agonizing about what to do for a gift for that damn show-off fashionable friend or co-worker whose name you drew this year. Fret no more, friends! It’s an anything-goes fashion season when it comes to accessories. Make a necklace!!!!! All this requires is some fishing line, quilting thread, or dental floss and items that are just gathering dust in your house.

LOOKY! LOOKY! LOOKY!!!!!!!!

  This necklace actually won an award here. A teletubbie, a set of hooters, something aluminum, beads, and who knows what the hell else. You can be just as creative! Get busy picking up stuff that’s rolled under your couch. Good way to “re-gift”, too. Put those hand knitted ear muffs from Aunt Gert on a string. Use your imagination. Find stuff and string it. What could be easier. And, ya don’t even have to worry about something being to heavy to add. Anybody who would wear a bigass necklace like this is probably already weighted down by gaudy earrings in 8 holes in their ears and enough bangle bracelets to doll-up an entire Miami bridge club.

So, no excuses. No whining. No reason to not give to everyone on your list this year.

Next time, I’ll be giving some great ideas for holiday eats and treats….white trash style.

Fruitcake Face…..

I am a master of the fruitcake face.

Definition. …fruitcake face….The surprised look on your face after opening a gift of something truly awful or unwanted (like that fruitcake that has been passed around amongst your family and friends for decades). Masters of the fruitcake face have learned to change a look of horror into a look of surprise in less time than it takes one to blink their eyes.

It takes years of practice to master a presentable fruitcake face……one that doesn’t cause hurt feeling, streams of profanity being blurted out, or broken relationships.

It takes lots of time in front of a mirror to perfect the fruitcake face. You will have graduated from look of shock to look of feigned surprise when you know that your reaction has made the giver feel warm and pleased with themselves.

Before mastering the fruitcake face……………

 

After mastering the fruitcake face…………….

There is no contest when it comes to what group is the best fruitcake face people. MOTHERS! When little Prissy brings home that uglyass wreath made out of plastic soda rings and trash bags in first grade, that’s when we realize the importance of FCF.

Remember when your precious little one got off the school bus on the last day before Christmas vacation carrying something that looked similar to this:

 Uh huh….the infamous trash bag Christmas wreath. I couldn’t post a picture of TPSkipper’s because a couple of years ago, I made her take it home and hang it on her door. That girl is creative, I’ll tell ya. It had lights, paper bows (which you had to glue back on everytime it was touched), and other items that were unidentifiable. This is a mother’s/father’s first lesson in fruitcake face.

Lil one gets off the bus with a something that is bigger than they are. Then it clicks. That’s where all your white trash bags were going! And, we have to hang it up. Otherwise, your child could be in therapy for the rest of their life.

The next year, to my complete horror delight, she came home with about 2 dozen of these……..

 Those little hands have gotten more control since last year. She is now able to make smaller things. Which means……more things. There were sooooo many of these candy cane ornaments on our tree, there was no room left for any other ornaments.

Then, you fool yourself into thinking that by grade 5, teachers will have the kids do something nice……like a poem or card. But, nooooooooo………..instead they have a bonafide art class where they encourage the kid’s originality. This is what I was presented with that year…….. It’s suppose to be one of the wise men presenting a gift to baby Jesus. Yes, I know that it looks like Gumby brandishing a large stick in anger. Think that’s somethin’……ya should have seen the manger scene. The only way that I can describe it would be…..a Gumby gang surrounding and threatening some homeless street people. Just indeedy…..fruitcake face required.

Actually, all of these bring back memories which bring a smile to my face. Not nearly as big as the grin I get when I think about making TPSkipper take those to her house and display them!!!!!!

I went thru the same thing all over again with TPMidge. By that time, I was an expert FruitCakeFace person.

There have been lots of fruitcake face moments in my life. But, one that stands out among the rest is the one that I had to  display at the Christmas gift that my  mother-in-law gave me a few years ago. I like to open my presents after watching others open there’s. MIL had done a good job that year. Levi’s for all the guys, gift certificates and lotions for the ladies. So, I was a fully expecting the same. It felt like a bottle of something (presuming lotion) and was the weight of a nice bottle of Bath and Body Works lotion.

Imagine my surprise when I opened it to find this:

……a bottle of Ivory liquid hand soap. They have changed the looks of the bottle since then. I know because I can remember it clearly….. up a white bottle of Ivory soap.

HUH?????????? I’m not the only one who thought that because the the entire family group got really quiet. This had to have been my Oscar winning Fruitcake Face display. I seriously, did not know what to say. So, I just put on my FCF. As far as I could tell, I only had two things that I could say……

“Thank you!!!!!! How did you know that I’ve really been wanting this?”

or

“WTF??????????? Are you saying that I’m dirty? This is the most awful present that I’ve ever gotten!”

Although, my lips were ready to say the second, I said the first.  After all, this was suppose to be a season of joy and love.

 

So, there. This is just one more service that I am providing my readers. Start now. Go in front of a mirror and practice your FCF right now. Then, you’ll be ready for anything this holliday season.

I’d love it if you’d take a sec and post your worse Christmas gift and how your reaction when you received it. Come on……share that moment with us!!!!!!!

Looky….A Chicken!!!!!

Got this in my email today and just had to share it with y’all! If you’ve seen if before, it won’t kill ya to read it again. 

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?      

 

*SARAH PALIN:*  Before it got to the  other side, I shot the chicken, cleaned and dressed it, and had chicken  burgers for lunch.   

*BARACK OBAMA:*  The chicken crossed  the road because it was time for a change!  The chicken wanted  change!  

 

*JOHN MC CAIN:*  My friends, that chicken crossed  the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and  dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the  road.   

 

*HILLARY CLINTON:*  When I was First Lady, I  personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience  makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every  chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road.  But then, this really isn’t about me. 

*GEORGE W. BUSH:*  We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not.  The chicken is either against us, or for us.  There is no middle ground here.

   *DICK CHENEY:*  Where’s my  gun?  

 *COLIN POWELL:*  Now to the left of the screen, you  can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the  road.

   *BILL CLINTON:*  I did not cross the road with that  chicken.  What is your definition of chicken?   

*AL*  GORE:*  I invented the chicken.

   *JOHN KERRY:*  Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it!  It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about  the chicken’s intentions.  I am not for it now and will remain  against it.  

 *AL SHARPTON:*  Why are all the chickens  white?  We need some black chickens.

   *DR. PHIL:*  The  problem we have here is that this chicken doesn’t realize that he must  first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes  after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is  help him realize how stupid he’s acting by not taking on his current  problems  before adding new problems.   

*OPRAH:*  *Well, I  understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to  cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his  mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I’m going to give this  chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his  life like the rest of the chickens. 

  *ANDERSON COOPER, CNN:*  We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been  allowed access to the other side of the road. 

*NANCY GRACE:** *  That chicken crossed the road because he’s guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks. 

 

I’m Honored!!!!!!

Keeping with the Christmas theme, here is a picture of a gift that TPSkipper bought me last year.

 

 

Yes, she did actually give me this. What can I say? She shares my weird sense of humor! She wrote a note that said, “I love you. You will always have my heart!”

“sniff sniff” ‘Cuse me while I dab my eyes!

I received an email from this site.  They have asked permission to use this picture in The Hall Of Bad Gifts!

I’m so honored!!!!! But, I am kinda surprised that they didn’t ask for this one, too.

 

TPSkipper and I went to an arts and crafts show a couple of months before Christmas last year. I spotted this Tammy Faye/Lucy lookalike and fell in love with it. It wasn’t even for sell but someone she managed to talk them into selling it. It was one of my fav gifts ever. I have her sitting in my upstairs window and have been asked by people who that is in the window. LOL

 

She’s one of my favorite things to photograph. I’ve got a bunch of her on another computer. I have one more of her on this one. I call it “Lucy In The Sky Without Diamonds”…….

 

I’m wondering what is in store for me this year? That TPSkipper sure makes Christmas fun!!!!!! That child is One Hot Mess (Jr.).

“hearts to TPS”

Why I’ve Not Been Here….

Lots of craziness going on around here lately.
1.Fight with daughter #1
2.Fight with daughter #2
3.Depressing visit to sister WHICH did have some very funny moments.
4. Ho Ho Hell No…not in the mood for buying this year.
5.Shame, shame! Shame on me…don’t even have a Christmas tree.
6. Quit Cymbalta…not by choice. Noooooo…..ran out!
7.Damn insomnia is back. Now, I roam at night and feel sorry for myself.
8.Energy has been sucked out of me by newly discovered type of vampire…The Vacupire.
9.Crying at the smallest things….must be drug withdrawal. Getting desperate enough to go score some good old timey street drug such as whacy baccy. (JK…or am I?)
10.Overwhelmed with lots of stuff to do!

 

Too tired to write more. Besides, my tears keep making me hit the wrong damn key! And, I can’t find my “shitckake” pic. I wanted to award it to myself, dammit!

And…how’s your life going? Feel free to share. Maybe, if we can get enough people, we could form a circle and have a IHE (I’ve Had Enough!) group meeting. Or, an AB (Angry Bitch) get together.

Anybody game? Come on. Let it all hang out here. I promise not to judge. Can’t say that I won’t laugh, though.

I Found It…….

I found the cure for my holiday bad mood that I wrote about last night.

 

You MUST listen to this all the way through.

 YOU’RE WELCOME!!!!!!!

Shitcake for all!!!!!!

Call In “Fill In The Blank” Day….

Today is Call In Gay Day.  You can read about it here.

FYI…this is not an anti-gay post. I have friends and relatives who are gay and I love them very much.

I was thinking about my mom and dad. I was a very late in life baby so if they were alive, they’d both be pretty old now.  Just think Grandpa McCoy on the Real McCoys.

 

“The McCoy family moves from the mountains of West Virginia to California’s San Fernando Valley. The leader of the clan is Grampa–a cranky old geezer with a distinctive voice and gait–but underneath it all, he has a heart of gold. Living with him are his grandson, Luke, and Luke’s bride, Kate. Due to the death of Luke’s parents, these three adults are raising Luke’s teenage sister,… “

One of my blogging buddies once commented that they liked the “rabbit holes” that I took them thru on my posts…..meaning that I start to write about something and end up going off on another tangent altogether. I never had the heart to tell her that I’m really not smart enough to do that on purpose. it’s how my bipolar and ADD mind…..oh looky! a chicken!!!!!!

And, right now, I feel another rabbit hole taking over my original intentions. I’ll do my best to get back to the original topic but can’t guarantee it.

My dad was in his early 60’s when I was born. So, me being XX number of years would make him older than dirt if he were alive. He actually served in the Army with Grandpa McCoy (Walter Brennen). I’m sure that’s why I remember so much about The Real McCoys. At least one half dozen times a week, I remember being told this:

 ”Grandpa McCoy was in my platoon!”

As if that wasn’t enough, Walter Brennen sent my dad an autographed copy of his song, “Old Shep”. This has to be THE saddest song ever.

FYI…Elvis Presley remade this song.

Being subjected to “Old Shep” on a regular basis may explain some of my dysfunctional (and embarrassing) behavior such as breaking into fits of wailing and beating myself about the head and neck when I see an elderly man walking his dog.

. This is most unfortunate as I have been banned from several dog shows and nursing home craft sales.

OK…I just remembered what this post is suppose to be about. Call in Gay Day. I can remember the first time that I ever had an inkling that gay people even existed. I was eavesdropping on a conversation between my parents. This was a normal habit of mine and my siblings. Our parents were not like parents of today (including myself). They did not feel the need to explain life, love, death, etc. with “how-do-you-feel-about-that talks. This was a plus in some ways. No squirming in embarrassment from it-is-my-duty-as a parent-to explain “insert subject here” to you talks. On the other hand, we ended up with warped and sometimes scary information about life. On the evening that I was hiding behind a lilac bush listening to my mom and dad’s porch chat, I distinctly remember my mother saying……”Junior’s mother walked in and caught him in Billy’s pants”. Junior, a year older then me, was a boy who lived directly across the road from us. Billy was his best friend and lived on a farm a few miles away. Being very unwordly (and Old Shep brainwashed, I guess), I interpreted that sentence to mean this……Junior had apparently put on Billy’s pants. I wasn’t sure why this would be discussed in a hush-hush whisper kind of voice but I did know that it was frowned upon. For many years afterward, I would not wear anybody else’s pants. In the 9th grade, my best friend, Ruthann, wanted to borrow a pair of jeans and I was horrified. I mean, afterall, she was my very best friend in the whole world. She was the kind of friend that you dared to kiss so-and-so and had to reciprocate when she dared you back. Ruthann and I kissed a lot of boys that year since neither of us wanted to appear “chicken”. She was, also, more wordly than I was. She had lived in town for her whole life while I was just recently transplanted from the country.

So, it was Ruthann who in fits of giggles told me what my mom and dad were talking about that day on the porch. Ya know….I can still smell those lilacs.

This morning I was thinking about what my mom would say about “Call In Gay Day”. I’m pretty sure that she would have said this…..

“Call in gay? Why on earth would you do that? Wouldn’t it make more sense to call in when you’re sad so you could stay home and cry?”

And, I wonder how many redneck, macho men went to work while sick today?

Everybody Is Wondering….

“what those darling Obama girls will be wearing on inauguration day”……according to Inside Edition.

errr….No, I’m not. I’m not wondering about that at all. So, you are exaggerating or down-right lying, Inside Edition. Actually, I don’t give a rat’s ass what they will be wearing and haven’t given it one second of thought.

At least, I wasn’t thinking about it until you blasted me with that newsworthy  totally stupid statement at 7pm this evening. I’m still not wondering what they will be wearing but am wondering why you would think that everybody is wondering. 

Let’s go ahead and settle this so millions of people won’t stay up every night, losing sleep, and being unable to function day to day until Jan. 20, 2009.

They will wear fancy-smancy, expensive frocks which will most likely be given to them by some posh, unaffordable -to- regular people designer hoping to  make mucho-moolah from the free advertising. You can bet your investigative skills that those lil darlings will be all decked out. Maybe, in something like this…..

From the MommyLivesHerLifeThruMeLine

 

 

 

Or, maybe from the DaddyIsRichandaCrazyScientologist line….

Prehaps they’ll choose a little sumptin-sumptin from IEmployMyMulletWearin’DaddyLine…..

So, many possibilities!!!!!  How ’bout……FutureCBlock#21789Line…

Guess you’ll just have to wait and see!

Now, on a more serious note. I am wondering why (239) 482-3803 UnknownName keeps calling my house. Actually, that’s not true. I know why (239)482-3803, Ken Robinson of Florida
Fort Myers, FL (Florida) 33913 is calling. Because he/they/she is a SCAM ARTIST. Do not answer any calls from this number. I’ve been thru this crap before and have enough common sense to not answer. Instead, both times, I did internet searches which revealed information. 

Today’s shitcake goes to Ken Robinson……

Just one more public service, friends!

Walken Christmas

no time fo a post right now.

But….if any of you are Christopher Walken fans, you just have to go see  TragicallyUnhip’s blog

I needed that almost as much as more cowbell.

Let’s Band Together……

I have a habit of leaving my television on 24/7 ever since the 9-11 tragedy. Most of the time, the sound is turned down.  It was on today when I went to take my shower. This time, the sound was not muted, but turned on low. It was so low that I couldn’t even hear it when I turned on the water and got in the shower. My shower is a steam shower and when the steam comes on, it makes a noise equal to standing next to cappuccino machine.

I had just lathered up my hair with shampoo when I heard a lot of loud shouting coming from the television. And, to hear it over the steam contraption, believe me, it had to be fairly loud.

My heart started beating rapidly. What had happened?  Thinking that a bunch of murderous terrorists had done some more evil, I jumped from the shower and quickly wrapped myself in a towel. I took off running to the bedroom with scenes of bloody horror playing in my head.

Ya wanna know what it was? Sure ya do. It was this…….

Damnsaminapepsican!!!!!! This guy ’bout gave  me a heart attack.

Why does he have to scream like that?  How many people have bought this glue product that works like magic out of fear and intimidation?

I say that we should band together and stop the insanity (to quote Susan Powder) before someone gets seriously hurt.

Imagine your gramma or grampa innocently dozing off during Sit and Be Fit on PBS  only to be awakened by the manical shouting of  Mr. Billy Mays. What a terrible thing to find gramma sitting dead right in the middle of a upper torso stretch.  Or, you go over to check on the elderly guy next door since you haven’t seen him out walking his dog, Myrtle, for a week. Imagine the absolute shock of finding him on the couch bent from the waist . His head is almost touching the floor as if he were checking for his dentures which did fall out when he dropped over dead from being yelled out by Billy Mays.

I say let’s stop this!!!! I say boycott all products advertised  by screaming maniacs.

Old People …Not Just For Breakfast Anymore!

     Just got these in my email and thought that I’d share them.

(FYI…This is a picture that I took while playing with some of my toys)

   Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch in Bonita Springs , doing nothing.

 One lady turns and asks, ‘Do you still get horny?’ 

 The other replies, ‘Oh sure I do.’

The first old lady asks, ‘What do you do about it?’

The second old lady replies, ‘I suck a lifesaver.’

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, ‘Who drives you to the beach?’

 
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home in Ft. Lauderdale reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

 The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece. 

The third old lady remarked, ‘I can’t hear a word you’re saying, but I remember the guy you’re talking about.

 

Two elderly people living in Ft. Myers , he was a widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years. One evening there was a community supper in the big arena in the Clubhouse.

 

The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, ‘Will you marry me?’
After about six seconds of ‘careful consideration,’ she answered ‘Yes. Yes, I will!’!!!!!!

The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. ‘Did she say ‘yes’ or did she say ‘no’?'  

He couldn’t remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.

First, he explained that he didn’t remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, ‘When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ‘ Yes’ or did you say ‘No’?’ 

He was delighted to hear her say, ‘Why, I said, ‘Yes, yes I will’ and I meant it with all my heart.’ Then she continued, ‘And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn’t remember who had asked me.’   

A man was telling his neighbor in Miami , ‘I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.’ 

‘Really,’ answered the neighbor. ‘What kind is it?’ 

‘Twelve thirty.’ 

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor in Estero to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, ‘You’re really doing great, aren’t you?’ 

‘Just doing what you said, Doc : ‘Get a hot mamma’ and ‘be cheerful.”,Morris replied. 

To which the doctor said, ‘I didn’t say that, Morris. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur, be careful!’

 

A little old man shuffled slowly into the ‘Orange Dipper’, an ice cream parlor in Naples , and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.  

After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’

‘No,’ he replied, ‘hemorrhoids’

Trailerpark Christmas Cards….

I’ve been lagging behind a bit this year. I haven’t even shot a pic of the trailerparkgang for Christmas cards for 2008. I guess I’ll just use last year’s holiday whing-ding group photo for the cover. Here it is in case you missed it last year……

(And y’all thought that I didn’t have any friends in real life! Yes, I did round up these toys figures that I collect real people and photograph them. I justhappen to own the largest refrigerator in the free world.)

 

Mercy me….I sure did have a time at last year’s TPB party. I managed to get this pic before things got ugly. Those of you (1, maybe 2) who have been around since last Christmas will remember how quickly things took a downward spiral. To recap briefly, Mr. T(Duck) was all over Ms. O. Oyl when suddenly Willie Nelson showed up and started makin’ his moves on her. He lured her beneath the counter and had her smokin’ some wicked weed with him. Mr. T(Duck) began to sulk and hidbehind the coffee pot  in another room . He was followed by M. Jackson who had just rumbled with Mammy over that fluffy pink boa. M. Jackson had shown up in a ho’fo’sho’ ensemble leaving nothing to the imagination (thereby, proving once and for all that he has no “parts”…bless his heart). I had to shut him up in the cookie jarpantry for a time out when he refused to stop laying of the floor, limbs askew, singing “Beat It”. Sock Monkey and Ol’ Man Time didn’t give a shit about any of it as they had already bloated themselves on rum balls and Pabst Blue Ribbon/jello shooters. After they had finished all of those, they hit the tequila suckers and began arguing over which one had eaten the most worms. Meanwhile, Mr. Troll was stinkin’ up my trailer chain smoking one ciggie after another. His New Year’s Resolution was to quit smokin’ and he was storing up enough nicotine to kill an entire aborigine village in New Guinea.

 When I saw the blue lights flashing on the driveway, I had to put my foot down and scoot them all under the china cabinetout the door and on their own way.  No small task…no sirreeee. Thankfully, everyone was back in the toyboxremoved before I had to open the door to 3 uniformed officers. Believe me, Larry, Darryl, and the other Darryl are the best around in trailerpark security and it took me having to keep a straight face (not to mention a couple of George Washingtons…bribery? Me?) to assure them that nothing was amiss at Lot #123.

So, if I don’t get one taken in time this year, I’ll just cut and paste different heads on different bodies.

Yes, the are real!!!! I don’t care what that nosey psychiatrist insist on telling my family.

What got me to finally moving on some of this was the annual holiday letter that I get from Mr. Rooter aka Roter Rooter.

 

“Don’t Let a Clogged Drain Dampen Your Holiday Spirit

It’s the holiday season, and you’re decorating the house, shopping for gifts, mailing holiday cards and baking cookies. But have you thought about your plumbing? Don’t let a clogged drain dampen your holiday spirit!

Whether you’re having family over for the holidays or you’re hosting a festive party, your kitchen and bathrooms will be busier than usual….more.

 

No, I’m not kidding. I really do geat this in my email. Let me explain how I got on Mr. R’s list.

Last year, around Sept., TPSkipper and I were competing with each other to see who could get the most and the weirdest free stuff in the mail. I googled Mr. R (I mean….duh….who wouldn’t?) and he was offering a little rubber figure of  Rooter Man.  JACKPOT!  Or, so I thought. The old poop never sent the damn thing. Instead, he added me to his mailing list!

His email is not totally annoying. It’s saved by the recepies in each email. Except, I have noticed that a lot of the recepies include corn.This makes me wonder if he is, perhaps, an evil genius.Could he be hoping to clog up drains with all that corn poop? Hmmm….food for thought, don’tcha think?

tah tah for now (originally, I had written “tata for now” but that looked like I meant “booby for now”)

edited….now, can somebody tell me why my font size suddenly got soooo small in the last part of this post and how to fix it?

edited….I figured it out. I was going to delete the above sentence but did not want Woody coming back here and thinking that she was totally out of it last night.

Scared Straight…Yes, I Am!

Do any of y’all watch the show, Intervention, on A & E?

I use to watch it regularly but quit when it got to where I couldn’t tell one addict from another. But, tonight, I was channel surfing and decided to watch a few minutes of Intervention. Admittedly, I was reading blogs at the same time.

I was reading a really great post at The Vinyl Village (daaayam, he’s smart!) and looking up occasionally at the television. A & E’s Intervention was doing a story on a woman named Janet.

Briefly, about Janet……

“At age 6, Janet was molested. She was also bullied by other kids, making her extremely self-conscious about her looks. At 18, she married a drug dealer who made her rich, but her husband was sent to prison, leaving her alone with two sons. She turned to drugs and alcohol, and had multiple affairs. Her husband discovered one of her affairs and divorced her. Janet remarried and had two more children, but she missed her old luxurious lifestyle and began drinking heavily. Now she frequently passes out, threatens suicide, and puts herself in life-threatening situations.”

This show was different. This show was interesting. Janet had a story unlike the rest of the Intervention addicts.

Janet sounds like a dolphin when she cries. I cannot link just the video but here is the Intervention site about Janet. That woman is one hot mess!

I googled it after having the total crapola scared outta me. Ya see, while reading VV’s post, I heard this weird, high-pitched sound coming from the television. It was sorta like this….

AAAAIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE   Actually, more  like this boy…..

After watching (and hearing) Janet, I am pleased to tell y’all that I am absolutely scared straight. I promise to never get involved with a millionaire drug dealer nor partake of his goods. The thought of being watched by millions of people while dolphin-crying is simply horrifying.

Unattached Men…This Post Is Especially For You!

 

Well, you ladies might want to read it , too. You may be able to finally rid yourself of Uncle Charlie and his best friend, Roland, from showing up on Christmas morning while you are in the middle of opening gifts. No more buying extra tins of popcorn just in case they show up again. No more of your little ones asking why Charlie and Roland smell funny (from the heavy drinking/puking done the night before). No more trying to be polite while on the verge of a murderous rage watching Roland burn holes in your sofa with his constant chainsmoking.

Like the time, he dropped a fat, cheap cigar on your beautiful brand new Kate Spade purse, wherein the cigar rolled down into the front pocket of the purse and caused the smoke alarm to go off after the entire fornt of the purse had been destroyed not to mention the matching Kate Spade wallet inside and…..oh, silly me. That’s just a scenario. Made-up, never happened to me….grrrrr. Or, how ’bout your homeless brother who now lives in a RV with his really old mean dog never having anywhere to go so like a complete patsy/idiot, you go and invite him and he won’t come unless he can bring his dog. And, you, be the wonderfully, kind-hearted person that you are (after all it is Christmas) agree to let the dog come ,too. Then, the dog, who hasn’t been groomed since it was around 6 months old and is really shaggy, does the Toby trick on your freshly shampooed area rug. What’s the Toby trick, you say. See below….

 

 

 

Not that this has ever happened to me……grrrrrr.  Of course not. My house is just like a Christmas movie on Christmas morning. Admittedly, it would be the Griswald’s Christmas movie. And, the squirrel thing did happen one year ‘cept it was a bat. Faithful blogging friends will remember that from last year.

Alright, back to the original intent. Following is a TBP public service for all you lonely guys. Here are Gabe & Max with some tips on hygiene and how to look Borat-sexy,not to mention smelling strong wonderful. After following their advice, you should have no problem picking up a nice lady, attractive girl somewhat desperate person to spend the holidays with. Pay attention, take notes, follow their advice!!!!!!

****************************************************************************************

A Public Service for all you lonley guys!

Dudes, the holiday season is here. This means parties, shopping in crowded malls, watching the local production of either the Nutcracker or Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer (depending on where you live. Our local theater does the latter) and other festivities involving mingling of the sexes.

Year after year, you’re out trolling for babes. You spend time hoping that Santa will deliver a Hooter’s girl or some other type of lucy-goosey funpal. Instead, you wake up on Christmas morning with a deflated blow-up Trixie…..

Too many of you have no luck and spend your holiday hangingout at your gramma and grampa’s (or sister’s) place scarfing down homemade goodies. Dec 26 comes along to find you alone and even worse, bloated from too many rum/peanut butter balls and gingerbread men.Trixie is deflated permanently this time (WTF did you do to her?).

So, sit down and let Gabe and Max help you become a somewhat (at least more than you are now) desirable man.

 

 

 

 

WARNING….LISTEN UP HERE. THIS IS IMPORTANT!!!!!

TO ALL YOU REDNECK COON HUNTERS, DEER HUNTERS, SQUIRREL HUNTERS,BOAR HUNTERS, SNAKE CATCHERS, OR ANY OTHER TYPE OF ANIMAL HUNTER.:

DEER URINE SCENT, RACOON ATTRACTOR SCENT, OR ANY OTHER ANIMAL-SCENTS-IN-A-BOTTLE FROM WALMART OR A SPORTING GOODS STORE CANNOT BE SUBSITUTED FOR SPLASH-ON COLOGNE OR BODY SPRAY!!!!!

IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE THAT, JUST GO AHEAD AND PAT A LITTLE DEER URINE BEHIND YOUR EARS. BUT, DON’T BE SURPRISED TO FIND YOURSELF FOLLOWED AROUND BY A COUPLE OF WINOS WHO HAVE BEEN LAYING IN THEIR OWN PISS OR BY DEPENDS WEARING GRANNIES.

Wishing you a lucky holiday season!!!!

Crappy B-Day To Me….

Yesterday was my birthday. The only thing that saved it from being the crappiest birthday ever was logging on here for a sec (between pukes) and seeing the birthday wishes from y’all!!!! How sweet.

I know that little rascal, Vinyl Villager, tipped  everyone off and I think he’s a real sweetie-pie to do that.

TPSkipper had put a lot of effort into rounding up some friends and relatives for a surprise luncheon at Tamarack. All girls! The first girlie lunch/dinner/anything that I had in a long time. When I woke up not wanting to do anything but lay in the bed or in front of the commode, she went into The General mode and called  TPKen to give orders for calling up the guests and telling them not to come.

HUGE MISTAKE!  He tried to call TPMidge  one time to tell her to call some of the girls. One time. He didn’t reach her and he didn’t leave a message either.So, 4 of the women still showed up. And, 3 of them happened to have used their lunch hour from work to come. Not knowing what was going on, they waited for around 90 minutes. They tried calling TPSkipper and couldn’t reach her. They didn’t want to call me because they thought that it would ruin the surprise. So, bless their hearts, they waited as long as they could and then had to go back to work.

TPMidge, my youngest, was one of the ones who showed up. And, boy, was she PISSED at her dad. She came over after work to check on me. She came carrying flowers, a bday cake, and a TEMPER. She asked TPKen why he didn’t call her. It went like this”

TPM…”Dad, the least you could have done was call me so I could have called everyone else!”

TPK…”I did”.

TPM…”I never talked to you!”

TPK…”I got your answering machine.”

TPM (started to show a bit of that temper)….”Why didn’t you leave a message? It would have saved some people a lot of trouble!”

TPK….”I didn’t think you’d check your messages”.

TPM…”What number did you call?”

TPK…”304 222-XXXX)”.

TPM…”That’s my business number. You KNOW that I have to check those messages!(a side note: TPM is head of the media department for a local university and her phone is mega important in that job). WHY did’nt you leave a message??????”

TPK…”I dunno. Just didn’t”.

TPM…”Well, I’m soooooo angry with you. I deserve an apology right now!”

TPK, “I’m sorry”.

TPM…”For what?”

TPK…”Whatever you’re pissed off about”.

We’ve all heard of those incidences when mothers display enormous amounts of strength or impossible actions to protect their kids, right? Well, as soon as “whatever you’re pissed about” came out of his mouth, mother’s intuition took over.  For a minute, I didn’t even feel the throbbing of my head. I was too busy trying to protect my baby…..from going to jail. She was standing at the kitchen counter earnestly studying the skillets that I hadn’t put away. I could read her mind. “Which one would hurt the most upside his head?”

Stepping between the two of them, I mouthed to TPK , “APOLOGIZE! SAY YOU’RE SORRY!”

TPK…”I just did.”

Me…”mouthing to TPK”….”Like you MEAN it!”

TPK…”I’m reaaaally sorry”.

TPMidge…”Ok, I accept your apology”.

My best birthday present was that there was no maiming or murder on my birthday.

This post seems a tad bit substandard to me, but, I really don’t feel so great yet. I’ll get my steam back and see y’all later.

Biker 444….You Just Wait!….

Have I got a Christmas post for you and all my other homies (yep, trying to sound ubercool).

Listen, y’all….

I had Christmas dinner with Johnny Cash’s sister….. To be perfectly honest, I’m not sure if she was Hazel or Joanne. One of them has passed on to the Big Ring Of Fire. This one was still pretty much alive but, hey, celebrity status (no matter how small) flusters me.

We had dinner at the Black Bear Gayboree Jamboree.

I’m pooped tonight. So, consider this a teaser on what’s to come.

Hope y’all had a Merry Christmas!!!!!!

Guess My Garbage

I intended to write a post about my crazy Chritmas. But, it needs lots of details and I’m pooped. I will tomorrow.

Got these in my email and thought that they were pretty funny.

 

 

 

I was fooling around with my new camera last night. I took pictures of stuff that was in my trash can. I keep trying to upload them so we can play, “I Spy….What’s in the Can?”

It’s 1:30 am now. I’m goig to try one more time. Let’s see who can identify the items in my garbage!

What’s In It?????

Somalia?????

TrailerParkKen has a hearing problem. But, TP Ken refuses to admit it and tries to infer that I am the one with a problem. Ya see, he claims that he can hear everyone but me. He says that I do not talk loudly enough. Tis not true. Everyone else can hear me. But, he can not hear everybody. This has become an inside joke in my family as they have problems with him hearing them, too.

With that being said, come back in time with me.

Time: Yesterday

Place: My kitchen

Characters: TPBarbie and TPKen

Earlier in the day, TPKen had been kind enough to take some time from work and drive to a store to pick up a gun-safe for TPG I Joe. (That name will have to suffice since my brain is not helping me out with a TP title).

It’s after supper and I am putting things away. TPKen is sitting  on his ass at the table watching (as usual).

“Hey”, I said, “Where did Joe put his gun-safe?”

“Somalia” came the reply.

“Somalia?” I asked in utter confusion.

“Yes! Somalia. He’s the president of Somalia!”..he answered in an irritated voice.

I than politely asked, “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? SOMALIA??????

TPKen looked at me like I had grown another head. A head covered in grizzly bear fur or something.( NOTE: I’ve got to post soon and tell y’all about my hair and how I screwed it up and took all day to fix it myself because I couldn’t get an appt anywhere Writing about grizzly bear fur reminded me).

Back to story at hand.

“That’s the president of Somalia on the news”, he said with much irritation.

“What did you think……oh never mind!” With this, I threw my hands in the air because I knew that it would be useless to tell him that I was asking about GI Joe’s gun-safe and not about the President of Somalia.

 

PREZ OF SOMALIA

GUN-SAFEI think that I’m gonna set up a hidden camera to tape some of these conversations. Maybe, that will get him to go to an ear doctor. I can see that one now, too.

“A-ha!!! I can prove that you need to have your hearing checked. I’ve got you on camera!”, I’ll say.

And, he’ll say……………….”Bulgaria!”

I think that I proved my point. He is having a hearing problem…….unless……him……unless

HE’S TRYING TO TRICK ME INTO THINKING THAT HE CAN’T HEAR!!!!!!

Which one do y’all think is the actual truth? Deaf or playing me as dumb?

RL Redneck Wedding Update…The Saga Continues

This was originally written back in July. I am reposting it with the latest updates for all of the people (OK…1 person) who have inquired about “Lacie” aka Mrs. Drake. This is rather long so run to the bathroom and pee. Then, grab a cup of coffee/soda/beer/vodka, etc. and make yourself comfy.

I cross my fingers…hope to die….stick a needle in my eye…..the following story is true. Hard to believe but very, very true. Some of you will say…”Nah, no way. It’s impossible that anybody has a white trash person in there family with that much dumbness!” I assure you….it is.

I had to give it some thought before writing this post. I may appear heartless and better-than-you-are-nana nana-boo-boo (some of y’all will be familiar with that little taunt) but it’s the price I pay for my never ending drive to amuse and entertain thru blogging.

Besides, if I didn’t record the family’s history and events, who would? Do you actually think that my brother who lives in a car wash (yes, hon, this is true, too. See past post) would have the time or inclination to be the family historian. Alright already, I know what you are thinking. She’s justifying making fun of her relatives. And, I say….HELL YES, I AM! If I’ve got to have them in my family then the least compensation that I could receive is the right to use them as material for my blog.

Right before midnight last night, I got a call from my niece I will call Lacie. Lacie tends to forget that some of us get up before noon and go to bed at a reasonable hour in order to do so. Lacie has never had a job and sleeps until around two-ish everyday except on weekend when she sleeps in. Lacie is on a government disability check and is a proud card carrying lifetime member on the state welfare roll. She has 3 children, one of whom recently chose to go live with his dad. Lacie is a hypochondriac with a habit of going to the ER via ambulance on weekend nights. I wondered for a long time why then? I got my answer thru a few phone conversations in which she mentioned several different people by name.

“And, who is “fill-in blank”, Lacie”, I’d ask her.

“Oh, I met him/her at the ER and we became friends”, she would say.

So, apparently, there are a group of people who regularly go to the ER on Saturday nite…..kinda like a social gathering. I believe they have formed some kind of club. PWVERSWR….People who visit ER’s with regularity. Lacie has actually traded photos of her kids with some of the other club members. And, the best part of this club is that it is totally free to the members. Never mind, that we, the taxpayers, are paying out of our hiney for those ambulance rides. Oh crap, don’t get me started on this. Oh wait, you didn’t. I did. Enough about massive abuse of taxpayer money. That’s for another time.

I’m sure that you are thinking, “Why doesn’t she just get to the damn point!”

Patience, dear. Patience. Without some background history, you cannot begin to appreciate the conversation that Lacie and I had close to midnight on Saturday.

Lacie has many, many illnesses. Why, the dear girl even had something wrong with her prostate! I didn’t bother telling her that she doesn’t own a prostate. She is unable to walk very far. On this one, I did try to tell her that sleeping all day and eating a diet of fried foods, chips, and cakes might be a little bit of the cause. I encourage her to get up earlier, changer her diet a bit, and maybe, try taking a small walk every day. She countered that with the fact that she gets to use the Rascals at WalMart so it wasn’t a big problem.

Lacie’s first time at driving a Rascal was somewhat un-nerving. More for the WalMart workers than for her. She got behind the wheel (oh yeah, she doesn’t have a driver’s license and had never driven anything in her life except a Big Wheel) and proceeded to mow down an entire display of greeting cards. And, a clerk. She was indignant startled knocked out of the Rascal on her very large ass. She threatened to sue. I think the outbreak of laughter whenever she told this story may have stopped that.

Lacie is, also, to put it bluntly a really, really, really bad housekeeper. If I ever had to go to her house, I stayed standing looking out of the corners of my eyes for the very large roaches that have built their own roach motels in her house. And, then, there are the 15+ cats. Maybe, more. That house is so dirty and piled up with stuff, that even I, a serious card carrying hoarder, can not take it for longer than 5 minutes.

Now, you have some background info, so on to the call right before midnight.

“ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring” Oh, my phone was ringing right before midnight. Y’all know what goes thru your mind when you get a call right before midnight. A family member is hurt. A family member has been in an accident. A loved one has died. Your brother is in the hospital on suicide watch again. Your nephew is back in jail. That kind of stuff. So, with a trembling hand, I answered it expecting the worse.

“Hello”….I couldn’t keep the fear out of my voice.

And, I hear….laughter. WTH? A prankster? I’ll trace this call and…..

“Hey! It’s me….Lacie! Guess what!? You’ll never guess! Guess!!!!!” she said.

“I dunno. You wrecked another Rascal?” I really didn’t feel like playing this game.

“Uh, uh “giggles” uh “giggles” I’m “giggles” getting married!” she said giggling.

“Really? To whom? And, when?”….I was definitely not giggling.

“To i-can’t remember-his-name (me, I can’t remember his name. She can. I hope). We’re getting married this coming weekend. And, I want you to be in it!….she was wound up tight, I tell ya. “And, I want TrailerParkBarbie t sing in it!”…….Uh oh, TPB is not going to be very happy about this.

Me….”Well, you’ll have to ask her if you want her to sing. And, exactly what am I suppose to be in your wedding? I know, I’ll be your photographer!”……….Oh yes, thank you, Lord. This pictures could be priceless! And, the video on youtube! Maybe, CMT would be interested in Her Big Redneck Wedding!!!!

Lacie….”I’ve been trying to call her”. Didn’t have the heart to tell her that TPS has caller ID. She went on,”And I won’t have a phone after tomorrow. So, will you tell her?”

Me….”Why won’t you have a phone?”

Now, it gets good.

Lacie….”Mine has been cut off because I couldn’t pay my bill. And, this one belongs to “whathisname” and it’s going to be turned off on Monday”.

Me….”Why haven’t ya’ll paid your bills?” I already knew the answer to why she didn’t. She had her land phone turned off so many times and had to come up with deposits each time to turn it back on. The last time, she just didn’t even fool with it. The bill remained unpaid. The phone got turned off and she went and got a cellphone…..which apparently had fallen to the same neglect of payment. So, I wondered why “whathisname”’s phone was being turned off.

Here we go. A story of LOVE!

(which brings to mind this lovely poem by Nate Owens )

Lacie…”Because we were at WalMart and we were looking at rings and he bought one with his phone money!”

Lacie…”I said, ‘but, but, but, …what about your phone’? And he said, “I don’t need a phone. I need you. I need your love.” …..

“heartless snickering here” Can’t help it. I know what she looks like and how goofy she is. And, I also, know that she gets up in time to watch her stories (Soaps) and leans toward talking like the characters when she’s talking about her life.

Then, he got down on one knee right there at the jewelry counter and proposed…..again. I don’t know this guy. I’ve never seen him. But, here is what I do know. He is middle-aged, has no job, and has no problem sharing her home with her mess, roaches, and cats. In other words, he’s a loser. Let me add that he doesn’t mind sharing her gov checks either.

I’ll try to go a little faster. This is turning into a novel.

Lacie got all emotional (teary-eyed, jumping up and down, screaming) and fell over. Flat on the floor right there in front of the jewelry case at WalMart on a Saturday. In my mind, I can see a large number of people watching this unfold. I can, also, see the manager saying to himself, “Please, God, don’t let that be the woman who wrecked the Rascal laying there in my floor. PLEASE!”

Lacie said that she had a seizure. Now, it is true that she actually does have some type of a seizure on occasion. However, her claim that she has had seizures since she was a baby and her mom didn’t know it is very questionable.

So, Lacie and her beloved rode the ambulance home where she took some medicine and lay down on the six cats that were sleeping on the sofa and went to sleep for a while. Then, like any good white trash woman, she got up and went back to WalMart to finish her shopping. She informed me that she had found the perfect dress and shoes…..at WalMart. The dress cost $20 and I am just praying that it does not have Taz, Mickey, or Winnie the Pooh on the front because she has a real thing for that type of fashion. I forgot to ask her what the sandals cost but I’m pretty sure they are jelly sandals.

I proceeded to drill Lacie on details of her wedding.

Me…”So, where are you getting married and what time?”

Lacie…”I dunno. We still gotta figure that out.”

Me…”Who is performing the ceremony?”

Lacie…”Well, we have 2 preachers and need to pick one.”

Me…”Who are they?”

Lacie…”Uh uh uh….one is from a church down the street. I don’t know his name. The other one is one that I met at the ER.”

Me (trying to be helpful. Y’all stop laughing. I really was!) “Don’t you think that you need to talk to one of them a few days ahead of time and see if they’ll be available?”

Lacie…”giggle giggle” “Yeah, I guess we’re gonna have to figure that out, too.”

Now, it is almost one a.m. and I’ve had enough. I’m tired. I am not in good thinking mode and want to go to bed.

Me…”Well, did you tell your dad or your brother?”

Lacie…”Not yet. I’m gonna have to figure that out.”

Me…”Figure what out? All ya gotta do is call them.”

Lacie…”Yeah, but, uh, uh, I’m not gonna have a phone. So, I’m gonna have to figure that out.”

Me…”Well, congratulations. I really need to go to bed now. Let me know where and when.”

If this wedding takes place, I will do everything in my power to be there. Taking pics and video just so I can prove to y’all that this is true. And, besides, I’ve already got my wedding outfit picked out….a nifty sundress with Eyeore really big and right smack on the front.

Ain’t love grand.

Funny thing is, I found myself lying in bed later thinking about how much I’d like to be Lacie for a while. Do things by the seat of my pants. Not caring what other people thought about me. And, getting excited enough to go into a seizure. And….no more house cleaning!

UPDATE: 6/4/08 Lacie’s wedding has been postponed. So, all y’all who had planned on taking your vacation time to attend, please note the new date. July 4, 2008. Yee Haw….a real redneck wedding with fireworks!

Lacie just called and said that she was crossing the road and fell into a pot hole and sprained/broke her ankle. She was at the ER and had not been x-rayed yet. What is surprising to me is that she was walking across the road. Must have been giving away free tator chips or something on the other side of the road.

I’ve been on pins and needles waiting for the call to come with wedding details. But, when I finally got the call, it was to inform me that she had just gotten married!

DAMMIT!!!!!

Oh, sure, I’m happy for her, etc. etc. etc. But, I really wanted to attend and even better, take pics and movie. With one phone call, she wiped away all my dreams of being the next famous Youtube-er.

DAMMIT!!!!!

Instead, I was talking on the phone with the new Mrs. Lacie Drake.

Lacie Drake…..sounds like either a porn star or soap opera name. Actually, I rather like it. Presenting, for your entertainment…..Lacie Drake…..

She was plum giddy with joy. At least, I think she was but since she acts pretty silly most of the time, I can’t swear to it.

With out further rambling, here are the details that I have so far:

Lacie and Mr. Drake decided on July 1 to “just up and do it” on the 4th of July. She tried to call her dad. His phone was off the hook. She tried to call 2 uncles with no luck. She thought she had called me and let me know the details but she had not. Love makes you idle-brained (LOL that’s an inside joke to myself and I’m laughing at it). So, it was a small wedding.

Her two daughters and her son attended. One daughter sang a country song. Poor girl has never sang in public. She’s only 12. Sang with no music. Bless her heart! And, I’m not being sarcastic. I’ll bet her heart was full of music. After all, she was finally getting a daddy. I really hope that he will be good to those kids. They’ve had a hard life.

Now,everybody ready for the good parts?

Her son moved out of her house and in with his father about 8 months ago. This is not an ex-husband but a baby daddy. One of her baby daddy. Tom (name changed for protection of me) drove several hours from another state to bring his/her son to the wedding. That was very nice of him. He did something just as nice for her. I think he did it for her but could have had an ulterior motive, like making sure she got married which would most likely free him and his new wife from her harassment. He bought them some wedding rings. Little gold bands. I find this to be very thoughtful but a little weird. How many of us can say that our baby daddy bought wedding rings for us and our new husbands?

I’m not sure how this came about but she got married in the Church of the Nazarene (which is a very lovely church). And, he must have been a lovely pastor because instead of the traditional couple pays the pastor, this pastor paid them. Actually, he gave them money to go to Kroger’s or Wal-Mart and buy themselves a wedding cake. What a generous and kind thing to do!

Then, the son baby daddy offered to take the two girl’s (he’s not their baby daddy) for a few days to give Mr. and Mrs. Drake time alone (to make a porn movie? Lacie Drake just sounds like a porn name to me. But, secretly I want it. I want the name…..Lacie Drake. I want to get all decked out with a sexy dress and CMF pumps and enter a room. And announce…..Drake. Lacie Drake. That’s my name. Now, don’t wear it out. I thin that last part was from Pee-Wee’s playhouse. Of course, PeeWee is associated with porn, too.

Drunk with love, Lacie and Mr. Drake decided to hell with a cake. Instead, they used the money to go to a traveling carnival…..where they each got to ride the Octopus, the Scrambler, the Ferris Wheel, and the Haunted House!

Got married on the 4th of July. Got to watch fireworks on your wedding night.

Got to ride the Scrambler!!!

DAMMIT! I’m pissed!!!! I didn’t get to take pictures. And, secretly, I would love for my wedding to have been that cool (’cept the not having any money part).

CONGRATULATIONS MR AND MRS DRAKE (ALONG, OF COURSE, WITH YOUR KIDS AND MANY, MANY, MANY CATS!)

1-05-09

Hi y’all…..I’ve been slacking ’round here really bad. I’ve got tons of stuff to write about. My life might not be front page gossip-column material but sometimes, it is quite interesting.

I’ll write about my White Trash Christmas in the next post. But, right now, I just can’t resist updating y’all on The Life Of Mrs. Drake.

“Lacie” aka Mrs. Drake (I still think that sounds like a porn star/soap opera name) has been pretty much unreachable until this week. Her phone was disconnected (but, hey, she did get a ring!) and I had no way to call her. Sure, I could have gone over to her house. And, I would have if I didn’t mind sharing a seat with monster-size cockroaches and more cats than The Original Infamous Crazy Cat Lady. “Lacie” has soooo many cats that her tombstone should read…..

So, since it is winter and fresh air is a scarce commodity at the Drake household, try as I might, I just could not bring myself to go visit. I figured that I’d wait until late spring/early summer so that we might be able to sit outside. I’m not exaggerating. If only I were!

Over the weekend, I got a call from Lacie (no more quotation marks. Y’all get my drift by now). She seemed deleriously happy in her married life. Truthfully, though, she seems pretty delerious pretty much most of the time about pretty much everything.  As I have stated before, I envy her breaks with reality and the ability to live in her own Laciland. I wouldn’t mind being so clueless sometimes.

Once again, I’m getting off-subject. So, back to the Drake household. It would take a novella-size post to repeat the entire conversation so here is a Cliff-note style summation.

 Lacie left out one minor detail about her new husband. Actually, that’s not true. She left out several details about her beloved.

1. She is the fifth Mrs. Drake

2. Her dearest is a convict. When she first called (read the whole post) to announce her impending wedding, I asked her what he did for a living. She said that he did “odd jobs” aka “no job“. What I discovered in the latest conversation is that he does leave for work on a regular schedule and comes on at the same time every evening. I know those of y’all who have followed the “Lacie Saga” are just holding your breath waiting for me to tell you that I was wrong about him. Nope…not gonna do it. His “JOB” is reporting to an inmate work-release program. He got busted selling prescription drugs. And, this was before she married him.

3. Lacie still seems to believe that I desire to have conversations with her favorite cat/cats on the phone. I’m sure that everyone has bit there tongue a time or two when a friend or relative insists that you talk to little Johnny or Susie, their blabbering toddler. Try talking to someone who wants to put Stinky, the cat, on the phone. What the hell am I suppose to say to a cat….”Meow are you today? Did you by any chance see that article in Cat Fancy about……?”

4. Worse than being shoved into holding a telephone with a purring cat at the other end is being shoved into holding the phone while Mrs. Drake insist on putting Mr. Drake on the phone. What the hell am I suppose to say…..”So, how’s work-release going? Made any friends?”

5. This is sickly hilarious. It seems that Mrs. Drake #4 , also, happens to be on the same work-release program as Lacie’s man. This seems to be causing lots of problems as she (#4) has been trying to push #5 (Lacie) out of the picture so that she and Mr. Drake might reunite. Mr. Drake has gone so far as to complain and has requested to be transfered to a different WR program. His request is pending.

6. Lacie had a wonderful Christmas, for which I am seriously grateful. Honest, I really am. She received the following gifts from her spouse. (a) a Tiger tee (b) a stuffed cat (c) a Hello Kitty necklace (d) Fluffy cat couch throw . Is it just me or do y’all see a feline pattern here, too?

7. As I mentioned before, Lacie has 3 kids. Her son chose to go live with his biological dad about 1-2 years ago. Her daughters, age 12 and 13, presently reside with her. For Christmas (which was delayed until she got her welfare check the 1st of Jan), she got both girls a cellphone that you load with minutes. Each girl got 130 minutes when their phones were activated on Jan. 2. Today is Jan. 5. Both girls have used all of their minutes as of yesterday. I wonder if they are calling 911 a lot?

8. Lacie has been having visions of her mother who died 3 years ago. These only occur when she’s sleeping. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that they are called dreams. In the visions,  her mother is assuring her of the love of Mr. Drake, and, of his unquestionable faithfulness . Maybe, I’m too cynical, but I get the feeling that Mr. Drake is disguising his voice as a woman and talking in her ear when she is sleeping. Call me crazy but…..

9. And, finally, in the Saga of Mrs. Drake, there is one more thing.  This probably should be 8b and connected to the last paragraph but a #9 is more impressive and makes the post longer. Mr. Drake’s brother is trying to “put the moves”  (her words) on Lacie. Seems he thinks that she “has money” (her words, again).  I suppose if you are a broke-ass, lazy dude with no future, those welfare and SSI checks seem almost Trumpish.

10. I’m sure that I’ll remember more of the conversation after I post this. If that is the case, I’ll be back!

There you have it…..the latest chapter of the RL Redneck Wedding Saga of The Drakes. And, I still cross my fingers-hope to die-stick a needle in my eye swear that this is all true.

I do soooo love my family. Life is not boring ’round here!!!!!

 After I posted this last nite, I remembered a Lacie incident that made me laugh so hard that I thought I was gonna need surgery for a split sides.

When Lacie had her first child, a son, I went to the hospital to visit. Of course, I went bearing gifts for the newborn baby. I had bought several items and put them in a gift bag. As I’ve stated before, Lacie lives in Laciland in all her naiive glory. Upon taking each item from the bag, she would squeal an thank me profusely. Lacie is a grateful gift receiver. That is one quality that some of us should copy from her. After retreiving a bib, Lacie looked seriously baffled. I questioned her silence and  the perplexed facial expressions.

“Lacie”, I said. “What’s the matter? Don’t you like that bib?”

And, just as serious as possible, she replied, “Yes, I do. But, it says on it to keep away from children. How am I suppose to use it on my baby?”

I reached out and she handed me the bib. Sure enough, on the plastic covering was written, “Keep away from children. Dangers of suffocation”.  I said, “Don’t worry, Lacie. I’ll fix that!” whereupon, I removed the plastic covering. With a big smile, she said, “THANKS!”

The Gripes of Wrath…..

 

The Church of The Dali Mama delcares this day to be “Official Biotch and Coan Day”.

A little info for newbies…..I am THE DALI MAMA. I became D-Mama after a vision of a powerful witch (Ann Coulter) came to me. Read about it here……Ann Coulter Prolaims Me The Dali Mama. 

All members and prospective members are encouraged to post comments on what’s pissing you off lately or who/what have you found to be absurd/unfair/stupid.

Of course, The D-Mama will start.

1. I have been getting an increasing amount of ads for male enhancement products. I guess that’s what I get for writing the post on Stamina Pillows. Probably due to pingbacks (in this case should be called “dingbacks“). No matter how many I mark as SPAM, the amount seems to grow bigger(just like Bob! ) everyday. In the last two days, I have received emails from Betty, Barbara, and Betsy. All “B” names. Makes me think that Levitra Bob is trying to be incognito but can’t get away from the letter “B”. Today, Betsy sent me an email with the title, “Make Your Dreams Come True With Viagra Pro“. I didn’t open the link that Bob/Betsy sent but I was wondering when a man would go from regular Viagra to Viagra Pro. Is it when he turns professional and enters the Mr. World Stiff Member contest. Or, maybe, the Mr. Teeney But Stiff Weenie Competition? What’s next….Viagra Concrete? Hey, that wouldn’t be a bad idea, ya know. A concrete member would be handy-dandy for ball players. No need to carry a bat or balls. He’d have everything needed for a few friendly innings with his buds at the office picnic.

2. Here’s how rumors get started. TrailerParkKen, being the owner of his own business, spends  a large chunk of time on the internet at work.  He reads some national news sites, some local news sites, a local forum, among other things. Saturday he came home and said,

“Did you know that Loren Greene and Greta Van Sustern of Fox News were both Miss Americas?”

Fortunately, I had already seen the real story on the news. So, I said, “No, that’s not true. Greta was not Miss America. Gretchen Carlson on Fox and Friends was Miss. America. Gretchen and Loren Greene (msp?)”.

Here’s Greta……                          Here’s Gretchen……

Later that evening, I was talking to TPMidge on the phone. Just chitchatting about this and that when she said, “Hey, did you know that

Gretchen Wilson (Redneck Woman) was Miss. America?” I said, “Who told you that?”

She said, “Dad did. He read it on the internet.”

Without missing a beat, I answered, “No, she was not. It was…….” That’s when I got an idea to see just how mixed up I could make them. I said, “He got the i