A Holiday Tip…..

I know that y’all are like me…..tired of people calling up wanting donations for charities. It happens all year-long but around the holidays, it increases triplefold.

Most of the time, I just don’t answer the phone unless I recognize the number. But, occasionally, I’ll get a bit curious if the number has called several times and pick up the phone. I have found that the most frequent beggars are law enforcement “representatives”. Now, I’m not referring to supporting actual policemen/women. They are underpaid and underappreciated. So, don’t start leaving “cop hater” comments or such.

I’m referring to organizations like the Fraternal Order of Police or Shop With A Cop or the Barney Fife Official Museum Council, etc. And, I’m sure that they have noble intentions basically. However, they don’t realize that they are calling an expert on the field of fundraising for groups like this. Yep, that’s right. I spent a whole month in one of these fund-raising boiler rooms!

One fall, after the kids were back in school, I wanted to make a little extra moolah for Christmas. I love new experiences and begged my best friend to do this with me. She was very reluctant but when I started calling her at 3 o’clock in the morning, yelling “PLEASE DO THIS WITH ME!” in the phone, she relented. Over the years, she has come to realize how annoyingly persistent that I can be when I want something.

I was more excited about the mischief that we could get into than the piddly pay. We did have fun! Unless you’ve done this, you have no idea the variety of people to whom you get to talk. We just had to read this really standard (and boring) scrip while trying to act bubbly and nice. We turned it into a contest to see who could change their voice the most. We used accents, tried to sound like men, tried to sound really shrill and all other sorts of juvenile crap.

One of the calls that I remember with fondest (and a case of the giggles) was to a really hard of hearing lady. Now listen…I did NOT prank that elderly woman. Let’s get that straight. I might be mischievous but I’m not mean. The conversation went like this….

Me…”Hello! How are you? This is blah-blah and I’m calling for the Fraternal Order of the Blah-Blah.”

Old lady…”WHAT? Yes, I’m at home.”

Me….”Honey, that’s not what I said.” And, then I went thru the whole damn script again.

Old lady…”Groceries? Yes, I’ve got groceries.”

Me…”Well, good for you. I was worried that you didn’t. Now, you have a really nice evening!’

Old lady…”Ok. Call me tomorrow. Bye-bye.”

(A side note which has nothing to do with this topic but the above reminded me of it. Once, I called my uncle. He is a little hard of hearing so I was speaking a little loudly. I inquired about how he had been doing. He told me that he had just gotten out of the hospital. I was surprised since no one had told me that he had been ill. We discussed his health problems and his hospital stay, etc. We talked for about 10 minutes or so when suddenly, he said, “Why are you talking so damn loud?”  In horror, I was suddenly aware that I had dialed a wrong number and this guy was not my uncle! I didn’t want to admit to the man how stupid I was so I told him that I was talking loudly because there was something wrong with my phone and I couldn’t hardly hear him and figured that he couldn’t hear me either. I told him that I’d call him back once my phone got fixed and hung up. I’m sure that to this day, that poor ol’ guy is wondering just who the hell I was.)

So, there is where I learned Trick #1 to handle telemarketers. Act deaf!

The next trick, I learned from calling a doctor’s house and his housekeeper answered the phone. She couldn’t understand a word that I was saying nor could I understand her.

Trick #2….act like you are the housekeeper and don’t speak English.

The next trick I learned while talking to a welfare mom. (I am not putting down all welfare moms. Please do not leave me hate comments!)

I run through the whole stupid script and then ask her if she’d like to buy one of the coupon books. She ask me what coupons were in them. I told her restaurants,dry cleaners,food, etc. But, she wanted to know what each coupon was exactly. I had to read her off the whole damn book of coupons. Finally, out of breath, I asked her if she wanted to “donate” and get one. She told me that she couldn’t until her welfare check came in!

Trick #3….do what the welfare lady did!

Here’s a few other tips that I picked up from that job.

Trick #4…..tell them that you do not have the money. You are saving up bail money for one of your relatives.

Trick #5….this is my favorite to use. I took an idea and perfected it for my own use. Turn the tables on ‘em. For instance, I got a call from the Special Soandso wanting to sell me some outrageously priced circus tickets. I told them that I would be happy to buy some except I had two special needs children to support. I left out the part about their special needs being cellphones, rides to the mall, brand name clothes, etc. Hey…that stuff is special to them and they think they need it. So, don’t be judging me!

Now, no matter what the person is collecting for, I boomerang it and tell them a sob story until they are sooooooo ready to get off the phone from me. Or, I tell them that I’ll be happy to donate to their organization if they will donate to mine. When they ask me what mine is, I make up some off-the-wall group…..like Keeping the Ostriches Alive in London or Support A Stylist for the people who go out in public wearing their pj’s or pants down below their butt. You can make up all kinds of names for organizations!

Seriously, though, I do support some charities of my choice. I support the Woman’s Domestic Violence Shelter which is located a few miles from me. I send money to the famine victims in Africa. I give money to my church. I do my share. So, don’t be hatin’ on me or think I’m a heartless biotch!

So, readers….my Christmas gift to you. Tips to handle telemarketers!!!!!

OK..one more little story that I just remembered. There was this one guy in the boiler room who thought that he was really all that and then some. He was constantly bragging about how many coupon books he had sold that hour/day. Well, me and my friend really couldn’t give a rat’s ass how many he had sold because we were way too busy trying to hold back the giggles when we had when we had to call somebody with the last name of Dick or Peters, etc. We totally channeled 12-year-old boys at this “job”. But, one day, he really got on my nerves. So, I decided to fix his wagon. See….he, also, thought that he was a real ladies’ man. I failed to mention above that we got cursed out a lot by people on the phone. That day,  I got a really rude, mean, nasty woman on the phone who said some curse words that made even me blush. After she hung up on me, I went over to his station and told him that I had called a woman who wanted to buy 5 books of coupons if I could get a guy to call her and deliver them to her. I gave him her number and of course, the cocky butthole couldn’t wait to call her. Lawdy…..you could hear her cussing him clear across the room!!!!

I know that was mean and I shouldn’t have done it. But, gosh it was fun!!!!!

Tags: annoying phone calls, deaf people, embarrassing moments, holiday tip, Humor, LIFE, oops, Redneck Life, telemarkets, welfare, white trash advice, wrong numbers

The (Ex) Terminator said, “I’ll be back….” and

I said, “OH HELL NO! You won’t!” after firmly shutting the door and locking it behind him!

OK…I admit that I have more than the average number of weird/freaky/strange characters in my life. I am apparently putting out some kind of “freak friending” scent or something. And, to be honest, most of the time, I enjoy the odd people who I meet. They make life very interesting. I’ve written about several of them in the past with fond memories.

But my exterminator is so friggin’ weird that I am borderline afraid of him. Only borderline because being a good white trash woman, I do have and know how to deliver some severe hurtin’ on anyone that ever tries to hurt me. And, owning several guns, rifles, a taser gun, and machetes bolsters my lack of fear. I’ve had friends and family tell me that I’m somewhat naive and too trusting. I think that it’s the fact that I believe that most people are actually good. Of course, I realize that sentiment didn’t keep poor little Anne Frank alive, did it? On a side note…there is one person that I am seriously terrified of because she is truly nuts. She is a hoarder and you can barely see her house at this point. She lives about one half a mile from me. She’s one tough cookie. She has shot at kids waiting on the school bus because she said they were on her property. And, she is as strong as an ox! One summer, my husband hired her son to help cut down some big trees and remove the stumps. She showed up and asked if he would hire her, too. Frankly, I think that he is afraid of her, too, so he hired her. That woman outworked both guys. She picked up tree limbs and stumps as big as a refrigerator and tossed them into the truck. So, yes, I am afraid of her. Oh yeah, she weighs about 300 lbs!

Back to my exterminator. First, I want to assure you that my house is not infested with big ugly ass bugs or other creepy crawlies. My problem is that I live in the woods and field mice just love to come in after dark to find a snack or when it’s cold to get warm. The very first night that I moved into this house, I was freaked out by seeing a mouse run out from under the fridge and another one run under the dishwasher. Then, after going to bed, I saw TWO more in my husband’s bathroom. (We have separate bathrooms because I can’t stand pee on the floor around the commode. And, I REFUSE to clean up pee for any person who is over 4 years old or handicapped. That’s why he HAD to hire a lady to come and clean his bathroom. You would think that a grown man could get some paper towels and wipe up his own piss! Sorry, I got off topic but, damn, that rant felt good!)

Once again, back to Billy Bugman. He is the 3rd one that I’ve had. The first one gave me the willies because he  had coal black dyed hair and looked like an undertaker. The next one decided somewhere along the line that he lived here part time and I could NEVER get him to leave. Plus, he got fired for something mysterious. When I have asked about him, all the people speak in a hush whisper and say that he was terminated. A terminated exterminator. Just realized how funny that sounds.

The latest one is….well….nuts! The first time that he came, he was pleasant enough but it was like he was an actor playing The Bugman. Something strange that I can’t explain but he did seem nice enough. As he got ready to leave, he handed me a business card which pronounced him to be a Life Coach. I think that this is kinda ironic because he is a LIFE coach and is killing critters. Is it just me, or is that like karma went haywire somewhere? As soon as he left, I looked him up on the internet and he had a site that said….(better use a fake name here)….Don Dickman…Life Coach. Call me to help you with life’s problems.” Then it listed a phone number and THAT WAS ALL! I googled him some more and saw where he had commented on a lot of different blogs and forums. Comments that made no sense. AND, he is a total religious zealot. Let me say that I believe that God sent his son to die on the cross for us. So, don’t think that I’m heathen or anything like that. When you read about the next visit, you’ll understand.

The next visit, he had apparently been touched by/drank/or ate something that had turned up his religious manic meter a few notches. As he walked around my house spraying baseboards, laying mouse glue traps, and such, he kept up a constant stream of, “Yes, I am soooo blessed! AMEN!” And, then he starts telling me about how God came to him and told him that he was going on a mission abroad. And, he was pretty certain that it was to Egypt or PARIS! The only thing stopping him was lack of funds. But, God had also spoken to him telling him that he would meet a nice lady that wanted to help him out. AND, he was going to meet her that morning! It was 9 o’clock in the morning…hmmmm. And, you know how you get that feeling that a person is talking about YOU even though they don’t actually say it? Well, I had news for the Bug Man, I wasn’t about to send him on a holy vacation to the next county much less Cairo or Paris!

Then, IT HAPPENED! He was getting ready to leave and heading for the door. Suddenly, he paused in a dramatic fashion and turned around. I thought, “Oh Lord, he’s gonna kill me and take my big jar of change that was setting on a shelf.” But, that wasn’t it. He told me that God had just spoken to him and told him that I had something going on in my life and needed prayer. Well, the only thing that I could think of was the fact that my husband wouldn’t quit peeing on the bathroom floor but I didn’t figure that was big enough for God to demand prayer for me. I rapidly searched my brain and told him that I had a sinus infection and was on antibiotics. “That’s it!” he said with a bit of excitement in his voice. So, when he requested to pray with me, I figured it wouldn’t hurt anything. He laid down his chemical canister and walked toward me. He placed his hands on my shoulders and drew me a little closer to him. Then, he put his hand on my head and started praying. I was pleasantly surprised to find the praying to be quite soothing…at first. Suddenly, his voice got louder…and louder….and he starting speaking in tongues. I had no clue what he was saying except for the word, “Yawah” which he said a LOT! Well, I have an insane sense of humor and was finding this to be kinda funny. I mean really…my exterminator is firmly holding his hand on my head and praying in tongues very LOUDLY! I try not to be judgemental and just thought…”To each their own” and decided to just stand quietly until he finished. But, he kept going…and going…and going….and I was starting to get a damn headache from the pressure of his hand and his screaming praying. Finally, he started winding down and finished. Just as I thought that I was in the clear, he grabbed me in a bear hug and said, “Sister…God spoke to me. Something good is coming your way! HALLELUJAH!” And, I thought….”Darn tootin’…you’re leaving and that’s good!” I swear this seem to have gone on for a good half-hour. I felt like I was on Benny Hinn or something. Thankfully, he left then!

Since I am a sucker for weird amusement, the next time that he came back, I couldn’t help but wonder what was in store for me this time. He didn’t disappoint. He came in with huge smile on his face. As always, he asked how I was doing. I made sure to tell him that I was just fine. I didn’t want another headache! Being polite, I asked him how he was doing. Big mistake! He said, “I left my wife! Hallelujah!” I said, “Do you mean you left her somewhere and are going back to get her or left her?”  And here is what he told me…..

“I left that disobedient Jezebel! She is not obeying nor respecting me. She is spending too much time at church!” (huh?)  Plus, he said that she claimed to be sick all the time. Now get this…..he claimed that one night God woke him up and told him to turn on the television. Because on the television was a preacher talking about disobedient wives (or in his case, Jezabels) and how God punished them with sicknesses for not honoring their husband’s position as head of the household. And, he said that he realized that every time his disobedient Jezabel took to her sick bed was after she had disobeyed/not honored him.

Oh, and there is more…..

It seems that this guy was under the impression that he was an associate pastor of his church. So, he decided to confront the main pastor and ask him when he was going to be able to share a message with the congregation. The pastor informed him that he was NOT a pastor AND had been missing Wednesday night services without the church’s permission. Well, I’ve never attended a church where you had to have permission to miss a service. I don’t know…maybe, he needed a note from his doctor (or psych doctor). So, Bug Man decided to resign from being an associate pastor (which he wasn’t to start with!). He told me that he couldn’t wait for his DJ (disobedient Jezabel) to find out that he was through with that church. He was frightenly happy just thinking about it. He then went on to tell me that God had found him an apartment to move in to just as soon as he moved out of his marital home! And, while rambling, he accidentally sprayed chemicals all over my boobs! He apologized and picked up a dish towel as if he were going to wipe it off. I said, “No…that’s alright! Won’t have to worry about boobie cooties!” I was trying to lighten up the mood a little.

I found his behavior to be disturbing. It reminded me of one of those crazy people that go off the deep end and shoot up a place. Please, readers, tell me that I’m not over reacting. This isn’t normal behavior, is it?

This time he didn’t pray with me but he did say, “I love you, Sister” as he left. Holy crapola!

So, now I’m trying to figure out how to get out of my contract because if I call the company and request another Bug Man, he might come back and seek revenge….probably considered justified revenge because God told him to kill me.

So, any suggestions? In the meantime, I keep my taser somewhere where I can get to it easily.

Tags: crazy man, disobedient Jezabel, exterminator, religious nut

Got One Scratched Off My Bucket List!

Yes, I know….two posts in one day! I hope it’s not too much excitement for any of you.

So…here we gooooooo…..

Today is a very busy day! I was on the couch with a “bug” all week and have so much catching up to do.  Laundry, cleaning, catching up on all my recorded episodes of reality shows, etc.

Around 10:30, I decided that I might be more energetic if I actually got dressed out of the pj’s that I had been wearing since Thurs. Or, did I put them on Wed? Doesn’t matter either way because they were starting to smell bad enough to knock a buzzard off of a shit wagon.

I was in the bathroom drying off when I heard the doorbell ring. I rushed and put on my once-plush bathrobe and went to the door. There, before me, stood two very well-dressed and distinguished looking gentlemen. Here I am with crazy hair (my hair IS crazy until I dry and smooth it down) dressed in a bathrobe that has a hole located near a very private area (lets’ just say that I was getting a good airing out down there).

“I’ll bet you think we are Jehovah’s Witnesses.”…..the tallest man said.

 

“Well, either that or somebody trying to sell me encyclopedias that nobody ever uses anymore,” I replied.

The man chuckled politely and said, “No, we are JW’s and would like to take a moment of your time.”

My very weird brain starts processing this and what I could do to turn it into a positive experience for ME. It’s not that I have anything against JW’s. I actually admiring their balls going door to door with people slamming doors in their faces and calling them Satan Spawn and stuff. That takes major dedication.

And it went like this…..

JW….”God wants us to read the Bible everyday and follow its instructions.”

Me…”I agree. My pastor has preached on that many, many, many times.”

JW…”Are you familiar with our beliefs and our magazines?” And, he hands me a Watch Tower mag.

Me..”Why, yes I am. Actually, my sister was a JW before she passed away a few years ago.”

JW…”I’m sorry to hear that. What did she share with you”?

Me…”She said that she laughed her butt off at all the people knocking themselves out Christmas shopping. She said that, being a JW and not celebrating Christ’s birthday, she got some killer sales the day after Christmas. She got twice as much stuff for half as much money.”

JW….”clear his throat”…..”Oh! I meant about our fundamental beliefs about God.”

Me…”Oh! Well, actually we agreed to not discuss our differences in beliefs”.

JW…”And, what is your belief?:

Me…”I believe that God loves everyone. And, I love everyone, too. I love Jewish people, Muslims, Catholics, Protestants and everybody except corrupt government people. Why, I LOVE you! Do you love me?”

JW….(somewhat flustered)….”Yes, I love you.”

Me…”.well, then would you mind helping me set up my Christmas tree?”

JW…”We don’t celebrate Christmas. You said that you knew that.”

Me…”Well, that doesn’t mean that I don’t celebrate Christmas. Don’t you believe in helping other people?”

JW…”Of course, we believe in helping others but we can not take part in what we consider a pagan holiday.”

Me…”Well, can’t you just think of it as helping a lady put up a big, live plant in her house that she puts lots of lights on to battle SAD (seasonal affective disorder)?

JW…”I think we have kept you out in the cold long enough. So, we will be on our way.”

Me…”Awww, come on. Let’s put up the tree and then I’ll fix us some Rudolph The Red Nose Reindeer slow gin fizzes. It would warm you up for going door to door in the cold.”

 JW…”No, thank you. We must be on our way. We have a lot of territory to cover today.”

Me….”What if I turn on the DVR and let you watch my recorded show of The Most Hated Family in America. It’s a great documentary about the God Hates Fags church.”

JW….(headed down the porch steps)….”It was nice talking to you. Have a good day!’

Me…”come back…come back….you can help me wrap presents!”

JW…waves from the protection of his car and leaves.

Gosh…that was fun!!!!!

Tags: boogerwoods, bucket list, Christmas, Christmas tree, cooter, Humor, Jehovah's Witnesses, LIFE, People That Make Me Laugh, redneck fun, White Trash

Dreams That Last A Lifetime…..

No, I’m not referring to a life long dream that finally comes true. Nothing like, “Wow! All my life I wanted to be a size 5 and now I am! Or, I’m finally taking those classes in feng shui/bellydancing/welding, etc. that I’ve always wanted to take!”

Nope! I’m referring to those extremely vivid, realistic, and detailed dreams that you remember for years and years…if not forever. And, boy have I had some over the years!  I’ve consulted dream interpretation books and online sites but have yet to find meaning in the weirdest ones.

 Two of the dreams are so twisted that I shudder to think that they might actually relate to something in my real life. One was from about 10 years ago and I can remember every detail in it to this very day.

Here it is…..

I am in a classroom. I am taking my SATs. The Devil is the administrator of the test. All of a sudden, my phone rings. It is not a cellphone. It is a battery charged regular size phone. On the other end is a member of the  George Bush White House staff. He tells me that President Bush wants me to obtain a sandwich tray for an important Heads of State meeting for lunch that day. I am thrilled. I never even question why I am the one called. I tell the Devil that I have an important mission assignment that came directly from the President of the United States and I have to go out and buy a sandwich tray and deliver it to the White House. But, the devil tells me that if I leave, he will penalize me by deducting points from my test! I figure that I can get the President to deal with that and fix it. So, I leave and head to the nearest place with a deli which is Krogers. But, the deli is closed! I am starting to panic. Then, I get the idea that I can fix the tray myself. I buy bologna, white bread, and mustard. I, also, buy a plastic tray container and a knife. I fix bologna and mustard on white bread sandwhices and cut them into triangles and arrange them on the tray. I hurry to the white house in an unfamiliar, very small blue car that resembles a cartoon car. I go to the door of the Oval Office and President Bush, himself,  answers the door when I knock. He takes the tray and is very happy that it is bologna sandwiches because they are his favorite. He is very generous and ask me if I have had lunch yet. I tell him no and he invites me to stay and eat with the Cheifs of Staff. But, I tell him about the SAT test and how I must hurry back to finish. So, he takes 2 half sandwiches off of the tray and hands them to me for my lunch. I get back in the tiny (it’s smaller now) blue cartoon car and head back to the test site. The devil sees my bologna sanwiches and wants them. I tell him that they are for my lunch and he cannot have them. Then, he tells me that if I give him the bologna sandwich, he will not penalize me by deducting points from my test. I hand over the sandwiches and go back to my desk to finish taking the test.

(I’ll bet this car gets great gas milage!)

 And, that’s the end of it. I woke up.  Haven’t got a single clue what it all means.

The second really vivid and memorable dream was just a few nights ago. And here it is……

I am in an operating room and I have had a balls transplant (balls as in testicles). Now, I am somewhat fond of saying “grow some balls, for pete sakes but have never really coveted a set of balls of my own. Or, any man parts for that matter. So, why I got an operation to put some balls on me is unexplainable. But, in the dream…I did. And they were HUGE! And HEAVY! VERY, VERY HEAVY!!!!!

They kinda looked like this…yep, they were brown! And HEAVY…..

As I had just had balls sewn on to me, I had a lot of stitches in my poontang area and was very sore. So, I had to wear a skirt when I left the hospital so my balls could hang freely in the air in order for the area to heal. I stopped at a grocery store (hmm..both dreams have grocery stores!) to get something…not sure what…probably vaseline or Cortisone cream or something to prevent itching. While in the store, I felt some heavy pressure from my groin area. It kinda felt like my balls were falling off. I looked down and no, they had not fallen off but they had begun to STRETCH! They were hanging a good 6 inches lower. And the skin at the top was stretching out and resembling wrinkly chicken skin.

 I hurried to the register to pay for my Aveeno Oatmeal Itch Cream (which is what I had decided on buying…didn’t want no itchy balls!). As I got my money out my wallet, I dropped a dollar bill on the floor. When I bent over to pick it up, I was assulated with two brown balls swinging and hitting me in the nose and eyes. My balls had streteched down past my knees! This was really embarrassing and the people behind me in line were either snickering or gasping in shock. I reached down into my skirt band and to my poontang area, grasped the wrinkly chicken skin at the top of the testicles and pulled it up. I then tucked it into my skirt band. So, here I was….walking out of the grocery store with part of my new balls tucked in my waistband. But, by the time, I got to my car, the balls had stretched even more and were now dangling past my ankles. I knew the only thing that I could do was tuck them into my shoes. But, I had on flip-flops!!!!! So, I grabbed them, gave them a tug to stretch them a bit farther and tucked each one of them under a foot to keep them from swinging around.

Then I woke up! What could this possibly mean? Anybody wanna venture a guess?

Tags: balls, bologna, cartoon car, crazy dreams, dream intrepretations, dreams that make no sense, George Bush, life long dreams, mustard, nuts, SATS, testicle transplant, testicles, weird dreams, white bread, women with testicles

Am I Damned for Laughing?

Hi y’all! Haven’t been here for a long time. I’ve had lots to write about but just couldn’t get my  lazy ass motivated. It was a really tough winter….the most serious depression that I’ve ever had. It took every ounce of energy that I possessed to get out of bed somedays. And, putting on that “normal” face was a serious struggle. Most days, this was the best that I could do…..

So, I had to head back to the doctor with my tail tucked between my legs to get some Paxil. I had sworn that I would never take another psych drug because I was sick of the pharma companies putting poison out to innocent people. I’m tired of taking a drug only to find out a few years later that it’s gonna make my hair/teeth/bones/skin/liver/heart either fall off/fail/fall out/enlarge/shrink, etc. But, I had to eat my words with gritted teeth. I, also, MADE myself start exercising everyday   regularyly several times a week. So, I am feeling more like my old redneck hyper self again. YEAH!

Other things have happened that are not so great. My sister (who is a very heavy smoker) started having breathing problems about 2 yrs ago. She was diagnosed with COPD and emphysema.  She was put on breathing treatments several times a day. And, bless her little heart, she really did try many times to quit smoking.  But,Phillip Morris had her totally by the balls boobs and she just couldn’t kick ‘em. I mean this poor woman smoked so much that if they hadn’t ended the Marlboro points program, she would have been able to furnish her whole house, send her grandkids to college, get a new car, and go on a vacation just using  points.Personally, I think it would have been mighty handy if Marlboro offered an iron lung for points.

(Sadly, she is seriously starting to resemble this woman).

She spent the last year watching soap operas and alternately taking hits off of her nebulizer and her inhalers……with breaks for ciggies in between. Plus, she was put on steroids and gained about 25 pounds. Well, it’s probably fair to say that The Young and Restless, also, contributed to the extra pounds. Well, two weeks ago, I got a call from her fiance’ telling me that she was in Roanoke Memorial hospital and in not so good a condition. She was on a ventilator to breathe! I rushed off to Roanoke to see her. She had H1N1 virus plus pneumonia. It did not look promising. The doctors said they had done all they could do and the family needed to make a decision about what to do when they took her off of the ventilator. The respiratory therapist said that she did not expect her to be able to breathe on her own. So, it was up to her sons to decide what action they wanted taken on her behalf. At this time, she was not awake and could not tell anyone what she wanted done. However, she had signed a DNR order when admitted to the hospital.

My two nephews disagree about everything. They argue about how to raise their kids, religion, politics….everything.  But, I didn’t really think that they would butt heads over how to proceed with their Mom’s treatment…but they did. Both are church-going, family men who believe in God. The younger one, though, is somewhat of a religious zealot. The older one wanted measures taken to prolong his Mom’s life even after being removed from the ventilator. The younger one thought that his Mom wouldn’t want to live hooked up to anything and if it was time for her to go…well, it was time for her to go. They spent quite a bit of time in the waiting area arguing their cases to each other. I got tired of it and said that I was going back to see if she was awake and if she was, I would explain everything to her so she could make her own decision. I went back and she was awake. I sat down beside her and told her what the doctor had said about removing the vent and how she might not be able to breathe without it. I told her that the doctor could take other measures for her to breathe. Then, I told her to think about it and make up her own mind. Then I went back to the waiting area and explained to everyone what I had told her. Still, the younger one wouldn’t give up and insisted that she would not want to live relying on machines. Tensions were very high.

The next morning, after all family members had arrived, the doctors declared that it was time to remove the vent. And, they did. Miraculously, they removed the vent, put an oxygen mask on her and she was fine. She even tried to talk although her words came out in a whisper due to the vent tube being in her throat for so long. We were all extremely relieved and happy. Since only 3 people were allowed to be in the room, I went back to the waiting area.

Shortly, my nephews came out and….this is where it gets funny (to me)……

the younger one went downstairs to get some coffee. I had noticed that the older one was barely able to contain himself from laughter. I asked him what had happened and when he told me, I doubled over laughing. I didn’t know this, but after I had left the CCU room, my nephew’s wives had gone in to see my sister. The younger son’s wife decided that they should say a prayer. Her husband,( who actually does very loud street preaching..that’s a story for another day), decided to do the praying. The older son told me that he fully expected his brother to give a prayer of thanks for my sister being able to breathe without the ventilator. But, instead, he was surprised by his brother praying the following….

(this might not be the exact words but you’ll get the idea)….

“Father God, if it’s time to take my Mother home, please do it painlessly. If it’s her time to go to the other side, let us be strong enough to let her go. She has lived a good life and we will miss her. But, we don’t need her hanging on just for us. So, if it’s your will, then take her home to be with my daddy in Heaven now.”

Apprently, he was neglecting the fact that his Mom was awake and listening to him pray. And, his prayer sounded like he wanted her to go Home To Be With Jesus and his daddy! She opened her eyes really big and begin trying to mouth something.  My older nephew said that he bent down to see what she was saying. It was, “Stop! I’m awake. Don’t tell God to kill me now! Quit telling Him to take me to the light!”

I’m sitting her chuckling right now thinking about her eyes opened really wide after several days of being unconsious and unable to hear anyone. Then, some of the first words that she hears is a prayer wanting her to go to the light.

 

Now, my nephew and I refer to her as “Carol Ann”…from the movie, Poltergist.

Gotta love my family! Just hope someone else prays if I’m ever in that situation.

I’m happy to report that she is recovery nicely…..both from the sickness and the prayer. When I was there this past Sunday, she asked her doctor if she could have a Dr. Pepper and a Little Debbie Oatmeal Creme Pie….good redneck stuff!

 

 

Tags: addiction, brothers arguing, Carol Ann, COPD, damned for laughing, depression, emphysema, family squabble, go to the light, H1N1, hospital funny story, life support methods, near death, Paxil, Poltergist, Roanoke Memorial, smoker, smoking, street preaching, ventilator

Thanks A Hellova Lot FACEBOOK!…..

 

It all started so innocently. Friends and family pressuring me to join the wonderful world of Facebook.

“It’s a great way to catch up with old friends and keep in contact with family!” they said. And, being the ever wanting-to-be-with-it person that I am, I fell for their bullshit. Just like you. And, don’t even pretend that you are not ONE OF US…robotic Facebook Zombies. The difference is that instead of eating brains we feed on the constant flow of updates from friends…some of who we barely even know (if at all) in our real lives. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve got some online friends that I feel that I actually do know better than some of my family and I think they actually “get me” more than some friends that I’ve had all of my life. The majority of these friendships started right here at the good ol’ Trailerpark blog (and y’all know who ya are!)

But, lately, I have found myself spending far too much time trying to run interference between mutual friends. And, I QUIT! I’m not a Life Coach or Dr. Drew. Nor, am I a Kardashian or Perez Hilton. I have no qualifications or degrees in Soothing Hurt Feelings or Positive Life Lessons or any other crap that requires advice or running damage control. Figure your own shit out. And, if you find that this is not something that you are capable of doing…than get your ass off of Facebook, MySpace, FriendFinder, Yahoo Yellouts, Ho’Down Hookups, The Google, or any other social/hookup network.

The final straw came about a week ago. And due to the fact that I did something somewhat unsavory (for which I lay total blame at the feet of the Facebook god), I cannot divulge some information. That alone is killing me because y’all know that keeping a secret is as hard for me as it is for Tiger Wood’s to keep is weenie in his britches. Harder than it is for Mel Gibson to not pick up a telephone while drunk. So, this is one of those cases where ya know something but ya just can’t say how ya know it.

My brother is recently widowed and being the good sister that I am, I urged him to join Facebook. Make friends! Don’t sit around lonely. Catch up with people! What an innocent fool that I turned out to be. He joined Facebook and got right into the swing of things. I suggested some friends for him and being the social fellow that he is, he sent a request to all of them. And, being the nice people that they are, they accepted. And then….

 That conversation is one that I found on the internet. However, it is similar to what I am about to tell you. Ya see…it turns out that big brother had an alter ego that I did not know about….Rico Sauve’. No, he didn’t use that name…it’s just what we (me and a few family members) had taken to calling him due to his FB antics. Yep, he had become The Ladies Man. His hit-on-the-ladies techniques had apparently not been updated since the early 70′s or there about. Every time that I would log onto FB, I would see one of his comments on one/or many of my friends’ posts to me saying crap like, “Heaven must be missing an angel. How do you sit in a chair with those wings?” OMG!!!! I had unleashed a beast. Oh, but it got worse…much worse. Although, I had explained (several times) the commenting and posting procedures on FB, he couldn’t seem to get it right. Instead of adding a comment, he would go to my friends’ walls and post his comment there. And/or his comments would have absolutely nothing to do with the original post. The post might have been about cooking chicken a new way and would have 10 or 12 comments from friends. But, it would end abruptly when he would chime in (right after a female, of course), “You so beeutiful.” I guess he forgot how to spell, too, because it looked like a 6 yr old boy was doing the typing. I told him over and over that EVERYBODY can SEE what you are posting. OK…that was kinda funny and everybody cut him some slack. Afterall, he was lonely and…blah blah blah. BUT THEN…

 the really really really embarrassing shit started!  Checking my daily updates, I would see stuff like…(FYI..names have been changed to protect the innocent)…

Sally…I think your Dads acct has been hacked. Got mssg from him saying “U R beeutiful. How old r u?”

This was posted on my niece’s wall. Yes, his daughter’s wall. “Beeutiful” was a dead giveaway on this.

Then….”how do u expct a guy to flirt wit u if u dont put more info?”

OK…check this out, y’all. This was posted to MY PASTOR’S WIFE. Then, the messages started coming from some family members. “WTF?  Rico just sent my friend a message asking her how old she is and telling her that she is sexy/pretty/beautiful/etc.” I was spending hours trying to do damage control. Finally, I realized that I cannot control what people do/say on FB.  I have lost a couple of friends due to this mess. The funny thing…I unfriended them. They were eating it up and encouraging his shenanigans. It showed them in their true light…unstable bitches with no self-confidence. Hope they will all be happy forever and ever in Facebook heaven…or Farmville.

Tags: facebook, Facebook idiot, The Ladies Man, zombies

Tolerance

 

Hi friends and fellow bloggers,

It’s been a while since I’ve been here. I’ve been really, really busy/depressed/stressed/ and or in “brain pain”.

To release the whirlwind of thoughts in my head, I’ve been doing Puke Photography. Like the “Vomit Writing” only pictures instead of words. I have found both to be a great release and much less expensive than therapy.

So, I’m just stopping by to let you all know that I am not dead..yet. To see my Puke Pics, click on my pictures up on the right hand side.

I got this in my email this morning and thought that it was worth sharing…..

Tolerance….

Now, if you are serious about tolerance, try this on for size….

I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against a mosque being built near Ground Zero.

I think it should be the goal of every American to be tolerant.  
The mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.

That is why I also propose, that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque
thereby promoting tolerance within the mosque.

We could call one of the clubs (which would be gay) “The Turban Cowboy”
and the other being a topless bar “You Mecca Me Hot”.  

 Or prehaps, this one…..

 

Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork and
adjacent to that have an open barbeque pork rib restaurant,
called something like “Iraq o’ Ribs”?

Across the street there could be a very daring lingerie store called
Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods.  

  
Next door to the lingerie shop, there would be room for an Adult Toy Shop (Koranal Knowledge),
its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side a liquor store, maybe call it “Morehammered”?  

Then the Muslims could be allowed to show their tolerance. Problem solved.

Tags: Club Tali-bone, Ground Zero, Ground Zero Mosque, still a Bottom Dweller, tolerance, vomit photography, You Mecca Me Hot

I Have One of “Those Faces”….

I apparently have one of those faces….one that people trust and feel comfortable in confiding everything . I could write a very thick book on the personal secrets that people have told me over the last several years. I suppose I, also, look like somebody who is trustworthy and a good keeper of secrets.  I do keep safe the secrets that are told to me by family and friends. But, strangers…well…I never promised them or took a Secret Oath not to tell/make fun of/write about anything that they tell me.

Last week, I had a doctor’s appointment.  From past experiences, I’ve learned to take a book or magazine to read since the waiting to see the doctor is usually a long one. This time, I took “Let Her In”, a book about a vampire child. The book was a page-turner and I was looking forward to reading it. But, just as I opened the book to where I had left off, a voice across the aisle said, “I hate doctors. Ya wanna know why?” Well, no, I didn’t really wanna know why but I was about to hear the reason anyway. Even though I had kept my eyes on the page of the book, the guy continued with, “I asked my family doctor to up my pain meds and he told me to find a new doctor.” I looked up. A buy in an azure blue, shiny jacket with matching sunglasses perched on the top of his long and thinning blonde hair was speaking. He was skinny and what my Mom would describe as “shifty looking”. He saw that he had gotten my attention and continued to speak.

“Hell! Can you believe that? I mean, I’ve been going to the same family doctor for 20 years and the minute I ask for more pain meds, he tells me to go find another doctor”, he said.

“Why are you taking pain meds and why do you need more?”, I asked.

He replied…..”I hurt my head when I fell on a railroad track a few years ago. The doctor put me on Loratabs and when they quit working, he has to up the dosagee. Those sumabitches are addicting. Ya gotta take more and more for them to work. What I’m takin’ now is not enough and I need a bigger dose.”

So, I said….”How did you fall on a railroad track? And, why don’t you try to wean off of the Loratabs instead of increasing the amount?”

Turns out that he fell on the railroad track while walking it stoned out of his head. And, he wants to wean off the Loratabs…Yeah, right.

Then he asks me what time it is and when I tell him, he states that he has a lawyer’s appt. at 3 oclock and doesn’t want to be late. Of course, I bite and ask him what the lawyers appt is for. He began to tell me that somebody planted 4 weed plants in flower pots outside of his house. The cops came along, saw them, and he was charged. He says that he has already spent six thousand dollars in lawyer’s fees trying to beat the rap.

This was becoming quite an interesting conversation. He starts in on a new tale of how he had filed for disability social security for another injury. As I was asking him what the injury was, I was interrupted by an elderly lady saying, “Hey…ya got any candy in your purse?” No, I didn’t have any. Then, “Hey, where should I go buy some new outfits? I need some new clothes!” I suggested Kohl’s, Penney’s….any of the stores in the 3 malls and various shopping centers in the area.

Sheesh….who am I? Dr. Friggin’ Phil with a touch of Oprah/Martha Stewart thrown in?

She was about to ask me something else but her name was called! Hall-a-loo-ya! One down and one to go.

Azure Blue Guy is starting to pace because he’s going to miss his lawyer’s appointment. I suggest that he call his lawyer and explain that he won’t be there. So, he goes up to the receptionist and ask to use the phone. The lawyer’s answering machine apparently picked up and he said, “Hey, I’m not gonna make my appt. with you today. I had to bring my cousin to the doctor and we’re still here.”

When he sat back down, I said, “So, you are not here to see a doctor?”

And he said, “No. I brought my cousin because he has”……he put his hand up to his mouth as if to hide what he was going to tell me from everyone else…except there was nobody else waiting now except him and me…..”genital warts!” I suppose that I should have been a tad bit shocked but I’ve heard so many stories from people in doctor’s offices, I didn’t even blink. However, I’m pretty sure that I blinked a time or two when he started describing his cousin’s problem.

“Them things is naaasty!, he said, “He’s got ‘em all over his”…and with that he pointed to his own groin area. “And they’re spreading, too! Startin’ to ooze stuff!”

I was beginning to pray that he would just shut up now. He didn’t but at least he stopped the description of his cousin’s genital area problem. He declared how happy he was that he didn’t have genital warts because he had never cheated on his wife. But….he was going to because he had gotten a large settlement from SSI and she and her Mama had somehow managed to take it out of their joint bank account and put it into an account with only the wife’s name. “And, that’s why I’m living in my car! That bitch is gonna be sorry. And her bitch Mama, too”, he finished. After that angry rant, he needed to go outside and smoke. While he was out there, his cousin came out of the office and went to the window to pay. I couldn’t help but stare at him and imagine how painful warts on the weenie could be. He stood at the payment window for about 45 seconds. When he saw that no one was around, he just left…leaving his bill laying on the counter. Yep, they were a couple of real losers…but rather interesting, I must say.

I’ve been trying my hand at some weird artsy-fartsy photography lately. I have an idea using fairies. I’ve been shopping around for wings and stuff but have had no luck in any of the stores even with the Halloween stuff. As I was coming home from a lunch with my friend yesterday, I was passing my the Salvation Army. I thought that maybe I could find some stuff in there priced pretty cheap that I could use to make stuff. As I was checking out a display of scarves, I scruffy looking woman came up beside me. She said (out of the clear blue), “I broke my finger last week so I could get some Oxycontin.”  Then she walked away.

Huuhhhhhh?  I’m beginning to wonder if I have one of those faces….that belong to a drug dealer. 

Tags: drug abuse, genital warts, loratab abuse, oxycontin abuse, prescription drug abuse, Salvation Army, true confessions, weird life stories

Spam of the Day….

I got this in my email. I get spam from people pushing sex aids all the time. But, this is one of the best ever……

You’RreNnotA_SeexIlesssPokemmon!YouArreAPowrefulSex_trnafsoormer‏

Since I know nothing about Pokemmon or “trnafsoormers”, I googled both.

From a Pokemon fan blog…..

Pokemon sexes……” We know Meowth is a guy, and it’s quite probable to assume Jiggly Puff and the Clefairy are either female or gay. But really, do they even bother giving other Pokemon sexes? Most of the time they don’t even give them idividual names. I have this gut feeling Pikachu is a guy Pikachu, but how can one be sure? Which brings me to my second point…how do sexless Pokemon have sex?! Well, we can imagine that Meowth’s would do it the normal way since they’ve been defined by sexes, although they do have the distinct lack of genatalia. But Pikachu…well, first it would have to work out if it was a guy or a girl, and then probably call up Pooka or Sparky and ask whether they’ve decided what sexes they are, and just his luck they would have decided they were the same sex as him/her, hence…well, we get gay shippiness from half the population, and the other half demanding a sex change.”

Transformer sex…found this on a transformer fan blog…

“There are many prudes out there who think two war androids making love is frightening and confusing. However, the enlightened among us know that sex between two consenting Transformers is a beautiful thing, and it’s part of God’s plan. Specifically, it’s part of God’s plan to watch Transformers doing it.Clanking metal. Vocoded moans. Missiles launching in ecstasy. If the great Renaissance painters knew about Transformers, they would have chiseled naked sculptures of Frenzy and Hot Rod, instead of The Thinker or that other guy.”

The following picture is apparently of two Transformers “doing it”.

Not so sure that I want to be either one. I think I’ll wait for the Hello Kitty vs The Brats spam email.

Tags: Hello Kitty vs The Brats, Pokemon sex, sexless pokemon, spam email, Transformer sex

Awwwwww—-The Sweet Taste of Revenge

I love to get revenge. Now, don’t get me wrong. I would never really hurt someone physcially or damage their character.

No, my acts of revenge are pretty tame. Just enough to satisfy my bloodlust.

One of my best ways to get revenge is through the use of sprinkles/glitter. Glitter is a really hard thing to get out of your hair or off of your clothes. I use to carry a couple of tubes in my purse….just in case. But, what I actually ended up doing most of the time with the glitter was putting it in the envelope with my payment to somebody. I would only put it in envelopes of people or businesses who had given me a hard time or really pissed me off.

BUT, my most enjoyable times with mailing glitter was when I would get junk mail….lots of junk mail. I would open the junk mail and switch the contents. Pour in a about 1/2 teaspoon of glitter. Mostly those damn credit card companies that won’t leave ya alone. They come with a pre-paid envelope so this was not only fun, it was free.

My husband’s ex-wife use to drive me nuts. Seriously, I think that I could have strangled her. It would take too long to go into details about all that. But, believe me, what I did to her, she definitely deserved it

.Since, she annoyed me at the least every couple of weeks, I would get sweet secret revenge on her by doing the following things.

. I pledge money to tv telethons in her name. I signed up to get material from an “adult sex store” in her name. Of course, I used her address for all of this.When telemarketers would call here, I’d tell them that I was just visiting and offer to give them my home number since I was just then leaving to go home. And, but of course, I gave them her number!

She finally moved away. I was relieved but also missed my secret fun.

One of my best revenges was on a doctor who was rude and thought he was God. After he left the room, I put some glitter in a couple of drawers. Then I took his stethoscope outside, glittered it up and threw it right in front of his office into some ice covered bushes. The jerk deserved it. I would have loved to have seen his face when he found it. Teach that asshat to be nicer to patients!

I’ve got more but am going to bed…..and dream sweet dreams of revenge.

Tags: revenge

Does Your Belly Button Stink?……Update

No, this is not my belly button. Mine is actually deeper than this one. Mine is so deep that you could fill it with water and use it as a dog/cat water bowl.

 

My belly button stinks. It stinks because it is freakishly deep. I have to clean it regularly or it smells like ass. I was tooooo embarrassed to ever talk about this until….

I did an internet search on “deep belly buttons” during a period of boredom. I was totally taken by surprise to find that “deep belly button” is all over the internet. Stuff like this……

“Sometimes when I try to clean it out I can’t get my finger in it properly, so I have to get a toothpick to scrape it clean. It’s just too small.”

 From a site named, “Is It Normal?”……..

smelly belly button

 

Friend’s Email: Your Name:

my belly button is smelly inside. its tight and it gets smelly really deep. ive been like this since i was young. and sometimes i sniff it and like the smell even though its a bit rank

Responses……

uhhh

you have much self luv… good for you!  

I find it satisfying to gouge out the depths of my navel with a matchstick. This would be a perfect pastime except for the fact I get shooting pains in my bum-hole if I dig too deep.

Anonymous

ha

well my sister has the same exact problem and i think its normal. and strangely she likes how it smells. i smelled it a few times and nearly died. it was BAD!!

completly normal. maybe clean it or something. or get deoderant for it

So, I was beginning to think that I might actually get educated on deep belly buttons on this site. But then, I read this…..

Gray ball hair?

Friend‘s Email: Your Name:

Is it normal for a 19 year old to have gray hair on his balls and at the base of his penis but normal pubes everywhere else?

Comments

You may be dying or will die very young.

are you sure that you aren’t 91?

shut up retard

It became pretty obvious that this was not a site filled with serious, educating “deep belly button” research . So, I did some more surfing and found……

I Used To Believe

I didn’t find any answers there, either. But, I sure got some really good belly laughs. As a matter of fact, I laughed all the way down to the bottom of my belly button.

I spent so much time reading those stories that I didn’t have time to do anymore research.

So, if any of you have an answer for why some belly buttons are really deep and smell like ass, please post a comment.

 

 

1/25/09…..I’ve decided to revive this post from the archives. I am surprised by the number of comments on it. The comments are really much better than the post. I didn’t realize how much interest this would generate. The inventiveness and sense of humor of all the commentators amazes me. Read them and be both entertained and educated.

All Commentators are now honorary members of THE STINKY BELLY BUTTON CLUB! CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!

Update 9/28/09

I am surprised and amused that this post about belly buttons has generated more comments on my blog than any other post. I honestly never dreamed that so many people would comment about their own belly buttons. It’s a wonderful day! Stinky Belly Button People have come out of the closet and exercised our rights to be proud of a freakish belly button.

(This looks like someone stuck a booger in their belly button. Freakishly deep belly buttons ARE excellent places to hide things.) From I Used To Believe…. ”I used to believe that my belly button was a place to store my boogers for when i wanted a little delicacy late rin the day.”

People from all over the world have commented on this post with tales of living with, smelling, and cleaning their navels. I proclaim each and evey one of them as a member of The Stinky Belly Button Club!!!!!! And, to celebrate, I suggest that all members of TSBBC take a trip together to this place……

Here we can be proud of our weird belly buttons. The freedom of decorating your belly button (that your friends and family have made fun of for years) and dancing around is overpowering (as is the smell of all those stinky belly buttons).

(What a great idea for Halloween!)

So, keep those comments coming. And…STINKY BELLY BUTTONS OF THE WORLD UNITE!!!!!!

Tags: belly button, belly button festival, cleaning your bellybutton, decorating your belly button for holidays, don't be embarrassed about your stinky belly, gross stuff, innies, medical questions, methods of cleaning your belly button, navals, outies, People That Make Me Laugh, share your SBB experience or story, stinky belly button, stinky belly buttons come out of the closet

Redneck Lacie…The Saga Continues

 

I wrote the original post about Lacie about a year ago. This is the second update on her life. It’s long but I hope you read it all.

Yes, Virginia….there are real white trash, redneck people……..

I cross my fingers…hope to die….stick a needle in my eye…..the following story is true. Hard to believe but very, very true. Some of you will say…”Nah, no way. It’s impossible that anybody has a white trash person in there family with that is that  much dumbness!” I assure you….she is real.

And, her wedding was too white trash/redneck even for CMT’s redneck weddings/Tom Arnold.

I had to give it some thought before writing this post. I may appear heartless and better-than-you-are-nana nana-boo-boo (some of y’all will be familiar with that little taunt) but it’s the price I pay for my never ending drive to amuse and entertain thru blogging.

Besides, if I didn’t record the family’s history and events, who would? Do you actually think that my brother who lives in a car wash (yes, hon, this is true, too. See past post)* would have the time or inclination to be the family historian. Alright already, I know what you are thinking. She’s justifying making fun of her relatives. And, I say….Hel No, I’m not. I don’t need to justify the telling of true stories. And, if I’ve got to have them in my family then the least compensation that I could receive is the right to use them as material for my blog.

Right before midnight last night, I got a call from my niece I will call Lacie. Lacie tends to forget that some of us get up before noon and go to bed at a reasonable hour in order to do so. Lacie has never had a job and sleeps until around two-ish everyday excepton weekend when she sleeps in. Lacie is on a government disability check and is a proud card carrying lifetime member on the state welfare roll. She has 3 children, one of whom recently chose to go live withhis dad. Lacie is a hypochondriac with a habit of going to the ER via ambulance on weekend nights. I wondered for a long time why then? I got my answer thru a few phone conversations in which she mentioned several different people by name.

“And, who is “fill-in blank”, Lacie”, I’d ask her.

“Oh, I met him/her at the ER and we became friends”, she would say.

So, apparently, there are a group of people who regularly go to the ER on Saturday nite…..kinda like a social gathering. I believe they have formed some kind of club. PWVERSWR….People who visit ER’s withregularity. Lacie has actually traded photos of her kids with some of the other club members. And, the best part of this club is that it is totally free to the members. Never mind, that we, the taxpayers, are paying out of our hiney for those ambulance rides. Oh crap, don’t get me started on this. Oh wait, you didn’t. I did. Enough about massive abuse of taxpayer money. That’s for another time.

I’m sure that you are thinking, “Why doesn’t she just get to the damn point!”

Patience, dear. Patience. Without some background history, you cannot begin to appreciate the conversation that Lacie and I had close to midnight on Saturday.

Lacie has many, many illnesses. Why, the dear girl even had something wrong withher prostate! I didn’t bother telling her that she doesn’t own a prostate. She is unable to walk very far. On this one, I did try to tell her that sleeping all day and eating a diet of fried foods, chips, and cakes might be a little bit of the cause. I encourage her to get up earlier, changer her diet a bit, and maybe, try taking a small walk every day. She countered that with the fact that she gets to use the Rascals at WalMart so it wasn’t a big problem.

Lacie’s first time at driving a Rascal was somewhat un-nerving. More for the WalMart workers than for her. She got behind the wheel (oh yeah, she doesn’t have a driver’s license and had never driven anything in her life except a Big Wheel) and proceeded to mow down an entire display of greeting cards. And, a clerk. She was indignant startled knocked out of the Rascal on her very large ass. She threatened to sue. I think the outbreak of laughter whenever she told this story may have stopped that.

Lacie is, also, to put it bluntly a really, really, really bad housekeeper. If I ever had to go to her house, I stayed standing looking out of the corners of my eyes for the very large roaches that have built their own roach motels in her house. And, then, there are the 15+ cats. Maybe, more. That house is so dirty and piled up with stuff, that even I, a serious card carrying hoarder, can not take it for longer than 5 minutes.

Now, you have some background info, so on to the call right before midnight.

“ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring” Oh, my phone was ringing right before midnight. Y’all know what goes thru your mind when you get a call right before midnight. A family member is hurt. A family member has been in an accident. A loved one has died. Your brother is in the hospital on suicide watch again. Your nephew is back in jail. That kind of stuff. So, with a trembling hand, I answered it expecting the worse.

“Hello”….I couldn’t keep the fear out of my voice.

And, I hear….laughter. WTH? A prankster? I’ll trace this call and…..

“Hey! It’s me….Lacie! Guess what!? You’ll never guess! Guess!!!!!” she said.

“I dunno. You wrecked another Rascal?” I really didn’t feel like playing this game.

“Uh, uh “giggles” uh “giggles” I’m “giggles” getting married!” she said giggling.

“Really? To whom? And, when?”….I was definitely not giggling.

“To i-can’t remember-his-name (me, I can’t remember his name. She can. I hope). We’re getting married this coming weekend. And, I want you to be in it!….she was wound up tight, I tell ya. “And, I want TrailerParkBarbie t sing in it!”…….Uh oh, TPB is not going to be very happy about this.

Me….”Well, you’ll have to ask her if you want her to sing. And, exactly what am I suppose to be in your wedding? I know, I’ll be your photographer!”……….Oh yes, thank you, Lord. This pictures could be priceless! And, the video on youtube! Maybe, CMT would be interested in Her Big Redneck Wedding!!!!

Lacie….”I’ve been trying to call her”. Didn’t have the heart to tell her that TPS has caller ID. She went on,”And I won’t have a phone after tomorrow. So, will you tell her?”

Me….”Why won’t you have a phone?”

Now, it gets good.

Lacie….”Mine has been cut off because I couldn’t pay my bill. And, this one belongs to “whathisname” and it’s going to be turned off on Monday”.

Me….”Why haven’t ya’llpaid your bills?” I already knew the answer to why she didn’t. She had her land phone turned off so many times and had to come up withdeposits each time to turn it back on. The last time, she just didn’t even fool with it. The bill remained unpaid. The phone got turned off and she went and got a cellphone…..which apparently had fallen to the same neglect of payment. So, I wondered why “whathisname”‘s phone was being turned off.

Here we go. A story of LOVE!

(which brings to mind this lovely poem by Nate Owens )

Lacie…”Because we were at WalMartand we were looking at rings and he bought one with his phone money!”

Lacie…”I said, ‘but, but, but, …what about your phone’? And he said, “I don’t need a phone. I need you. I need your love.” …..(Awwww, true love. Admit it, girls….you’d just melt if you heard those words…”I don’t need a phone. I need you!”) 

   “heartless snickering here“

Can’t help it. I know what she looks like and how goofy she is. And, I also, know that she gets up in time to watch her stories (Soaps) and leans toward talking like the characters when she’s talking about her life. She continued talking….

“Then, he got down on one knee right there at the jewelry counter and proposed to me“…..again. I don’t know this guy. I’ve never seen him. But, here is what I do know. He is middle-aged, has no job, and has no problem sharing her home with her mess, roaches, and cats. In other words, he’s a loser. Let me add that he doesn’t mind sharing her gov checks either.**

I’ll try to go a little faster. This is turning into a novel.

Lacie got all emotional (teary-eyed, jumping up and down, screaming) and fell over. Flat on the floor right there in front of the jewelry case at WalMarton a Saturday during the first of the monthwhich is like a major holiday in this area because of all the gov checks received at the beginning of the month. In my mind, I can see a large number of people watching this unfold. I can, also, see the manager saying to himself, “Please, God, don’t let that be the woman who wrecked the Rascal laying there in my floor. PLEASE!”

Lacie said that she had a seizure. Now, it is true that she actually does have some type of a seizure on occasion. However, her claim that she has had seizures since she was a baby and her mom didn’t know it is very questionable. Add the fact that I saw her frequently when she was a baby and never saw a seizure. I’m in the school of thought that says she actually had a brain fart (original idea) now and then and didn’t know what it was.

So, Lacie and her beloved rode the ambulance home where she took some medicine and lay down on the six cats that were sleeping on the sofa and went to sleep for a while. Then, like any good white trash woman, she got up and went back to WalMart to finish her shopping. She informed me that she had found the perfect dress and shoes…..at WalMart. The dress cost $20 and I am just praying that it does not have Taz, Mickey, or Winnie the Pooh on the front because she has a real thing for that type of  Disney fashion. I forgot to ask her what the sandals cost but I’m pretty sure they are jelly sandals

.

I proceeded to drill Lacie on details of her wedding.

Me…”So, where are you getting married and what time?”

Lacie…”I dunno. We still gotta figure that out.”

Me…”Who is performing the ceremony?”

Lacie…”Well, we have 2 preachers and need to pick one.”

Me…”Who are they?”

Lacie…”Uh uh uh….one is from a church down the street. I don’t know his name. The other one is one that I met at the ER.”

Me (trying to be helpful. Y’all stop laughing. I really was!) “Don’t you think that you need to talk to one of them a few days ahead of time and see if they’ll be available?”

Lacie…”giggle giggle” “Yeah, I guess we’re gonna have to figure that out, too.”

Now, it is almost one a.m. and I’ve had enough. I’m tired. I am not in good thinking mode and want to go to bed.

Me…”Well, did you tell your dad or your brother?”

Lacie…”Not yet. I’m gonna have to figure that out.”

Me…”Figure what out? All ya gotta do is call them.”

Lacie…”Yeah, but, uh, uh, I’m not gonna have a phone. So, I’m gonna have to figure that out.”

Me…”Well, congratulations. I really need to go to bed now. Let me know where and when.”

If this wedding takes place, I will do everything in my power to be there. Taking pics and video just so I can prove to y’all that this is true. And, besides, I’ve already got my wedding outfit picked out….a nifty sundress with Eyeore really big and right smack on the front.

Ain’t love grand.

Funny thing is, I found myself lying in bed later thinking about how much I’d like to be Lacie for a while. Do things by the seat of my pants. Not caring what other people thought about me. And, getting excited enough to go into a seizure. And….no more house cleaning!

UPDATE: 6/4/08 Lacie’s wedding has been postponed. So, all y’all who had planned on taking your vacation time to attend, please note the new date. July 4, 2008. YeeHaw….a real redneck wedding with fireworks!

Lacie just called and said that she was crossing the road and fell into a pot hole and sprained/broke her ankle. She was at the ER and had not been x-rayed yet. What is surprising to me is that she was walking across the road. Laci won’t go anywhere that requires walking. She “needs” the rascal”. (She claims)  Must have been giving away free tator chips or something on the other side of the road.

I’ve been on pins and needles waiting for the call to come with wedding details. But, when I finally got the call, it was to inform me that she had just gotten married!

DAMMIT!!!!!

Oh, sure, I’m happy for her, etc. etc. etc. But, I really wanted to attend and even better, take pics and movie. With one phone call, she wiped away all my dreams of being the next famous Youtube-er.

DAMMIT!!!!!

Instead, I was talking on the phone with the new Mrs. Lacie Drake.

Lacie Drake…..sounds like either a porn star or soap opera name. Actually, I rather like it. Presenting, for your entertainment…..Lacie Drake…..

She was plum giddy with joy. At least, I think she was but since she acts pretty silly most of the time, I can’t swear to it.

With out further rambling, here are the details that I have so far:

Lacie and Mr. Drake decided on July 1 to “just up and do it” on the 4thof July. She tried to call her dad. His phone was off the hook. She tried to call 2 uncles with no luck. She thought she had called me and let me know the details but she had not. Love makes you idle-brained (LOL that’s an inside joke to myself and I’m laughing at it). So, it was a small wedding.

Her two daughters and her son attended. One daughter sang a country song. Poor girl has never sang in public. She’s only 12. Sang with no music. Bless her heart! And, I’m not being sarcastic. I’ll bet her heart was full of music. After all, she was finally getting a daddy. I really hope that he will be good to those kids. They’ve had a hard life.

Now,everybody ready for the good parts?

Her son moved out of her house and in with his father about 8 months ago. This is not an ex-husband but a baby daddy. One of her baby daddy. Tom (name changed for protection of me) drove several hours from another state to bring his/her son to the wedding. That was very nice of him. He did something just as nice for her. I think he did it for her but could have had an ulterior motive, like making sure she got married which would most likely free him and his new wife from her harassment He has never paid court-ordered child support so there was no financial gain, either.. He bought them some wedding rings. Little gold bands. I find this to be very thoughtful but a little weird. How many of us can say that our baby daddy bought wedding rings for us and our new husbands?

I’m not sure how this came about but she got married in the Church of the Nazarene (which is a very lovely church). And, he must have been a lovely pastor because instead of the traditional couple pays the pastor, this pastor paid them since they were broke from the taxi cab ride to the church. Actually, he gave them money to go to Kroger’s or Wal-Mart and buy themselves a wedding cake. What a generous and kind thing to do!

Then, the son baby daddy offered to take the two girl’s (he’s not their baby daddy) for a few days to give Mr. and Mrs. Drake time alone (to make a porn movie? Lacie Drake just sounds like a porn name to me. But, secretly I want it. I want the name…..Lacie Drake. I want to get all decked out with a sexy dress and CMF pumps and enter a room. And announce…..Drake. Lacie Drake. That’s my name. Now, don’t wear it out. I thin that last part was from Pee-Wee’s playhouse. Of course, PeeWeeis associated with porn, too.

Drunk with love, Lacie and Mr. Drake decided to hell with a cake. Instead, they used the money to go to a traveling carnival…..where they each got to ride the Octopus, the Scrambler, the Ferris Wheel, and the Haunted House!

Got married on the 4th of July. Got to watch fireworks on your wedding night.

Got to ride the Scrambler!!!

DAMMIT! I’m pissed!!!! I didn’t get to take pictures. But secretly, I would love for my wedding to have been that cool (‘cept the not having any money part).

CONGRATULATIONS MR AND MRS DRAKE (ALONG, OF COURSE, WITH YOUR KIDS AND MANY, MANY, MANY CATS!)

1-05-09

Hi y’all…..I’ve been slacking ’round here really bad. I’ve got tons of stuff to write about. My life might not be front page gossip-column material but sometimes, it is quite interesting.

I’ll write about my White Trash Christmas in the next post. But, right now, I just can’t resist updating y’all on The Life Of Mrs. Drake.

“Lacie” aka Mrs. Drake (I still think that sounds like a porn star/soap opera name) has been pretty much unreachable until this week. Her phone was disconnected (but, hey, she did get a ring!) and I had no way to call her. Sure, I could have gone over to her house. And, I would have if I didn’t mind sharing a seat with monster-size cockroaches and more cats than The Original Infamous Crazy Cat Lady. “Lacie” has soooo many cats that her tombstone should read…..

So, since it is winter and fresh air is a scarce commodity at the Drake household, try as I might, I just could not bring myself to go visit. I figured that I’d wait until late spring/early summer so that we might be able to sit outside. I’m not exaggerating. If only I were!

Over the weekend, I got a call from Lacie (no more quotation marks. Y’all get my drift by now). She seemed deleriously happy in her married life. Truthfully, though, she seems pretty deleriouspretty much most of the time about pretty much everything.  As I have stated before, I envy her breaks with reality and the ability to live in her own Laciland. I wouldn’t mind being so clueless sometimes.

Once again, I’m getting off-subject. So, back to the Drake household. It would take a novella-size post to repeat the entire conversation so here is a Cliff-note style summation.

 Lacie left out one minor detail about her new husband. Actually, that’s not true. She left out several details about her beloved.

1. She is the fifth Mrs. Drake

2. Her dearest is a convict. When she first called (read the whole post) to announce her impending wedding, I asked her what he did for a living. She said that he did “odd jobs” aka “no job“. What I discovered in the latest conversation is that he does leave for work on a regular schedule and comes on at the same time every evening. I know those of y’all who have followed the “Lacie Saga” are just holding your breath waiting for me to tell you that I was wrong about him. Nope…not gonna do it. His “JOB” is reporting to an inmate work-release program. He got busted selling prescription drugs. And, this was before she married him.

3. Lacie still seems to believe that I desire to have conversations with her favorite cat/cats on the phone. I’m sure that everyone has bit there tongue a time or two when a friend or relative insists that you talk to little Johnny or Susie, their blabbering toddler. Try talking to someone who wants to put Stinky, the cat, on the phone. What the hell am I suppose to say to a cat….”Meow are you today? Did you by any chance see that article in Cat Fancy about……?”

4. Worse than being shoved into holding a telephone with a purring cat at the other end is being shoved into holding the phone while Mrs. Drake insist on putting Mr. Drake on the phone. What the hell am I suppose to say…..”So, how’s work-release going? Made any friends?”

5. This is sickly hilarious. It seems that Mrs. Drake #4 , also, happens to be on the same work-release program as Lacie’s man. This seems to be causing lots of problems as she (#4) has been trying to push #5 (Lacie) out of the picture so that she and Mr. Drake might reunite. Mr. Drake has gone so far as to complain and has requested to be transfered to a different WR program. His request is pending. Now that’s TRUE LOVE!

6. Lacie had a wonderful Christmas, for which I am seriously grateful. Honest, I really am. She received the following gifts from her spouse. (a) a Tigger tee (b) a stuffed cat (c) a Hello Kitty necklace (d) Fluffy cat couch throw . Is it just me or do y’all see a feline pattern here, too?

7. As I mentioned before, Lacie has 3 kids. Her son chose to go live with his biological dad about 1-2 years ago. Her daughters, age 12 and 13, presently reside with her. For Christmas (which was delayed until she got her welfare check the 1st of Jan), she got both girls a cellphone that you load with minutes. Each girl got 130 minutes when their phones were activated on Jan. 2. Today is Jan. 5. Both girls have used all of their minutes as of yesterday. I wonder if they are calling 911 a lot?

8. Lacie has been having visions of her mother who died 3 years ago. These only occur when she’s sleeping. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that they are called dreams. In the visions,  her mother is assuring her of the love of Mr. Drake, and, of his unquestionable faithfulness . Maybe, I’m too cynical, but I get the feeling that Mr. Drake is disguising his voice as a woman and talking in her ear when she is sleeping. Call me crazy but…..

9. And, finally, in the Saga of Mrs. Drake, there is one more thing.  This probably should be 8b and connected to the last paragraph but a #9 is more impressive and makes the post longer. Mr. Drake’s brother is trying to “put the moves”  (her words) on Lacie. Seems he thinks that she “has money” (her words, again).  I suppose if you are a broke-ass, lazy dude with no future, those welfare and SSI checks seem almost Trumpish.

10. I’m sure that I’ll remember more of the conversation after I post this. If that is the case, I’ll be back!

There you have it…..the latest chapter of the RL Redneck Wedding Saga of The Drakes. And, I still cross my fingers-hope to die-stick a needle in my eye swear that this is all true.

I do soooo love my family. Life is not boring ’round here.

*Footnote 1……my brother is “moving on up”. Since living in the car,  he has moved twice, bettering himself each time. He moved from the car to a car wash. He got a job at the car wash and the owner allowed him to move into the maintenance building. Very wet place. It was OK during warm weather but cold weather came and lived in a land of frozen icicles.  He now has a camper that some people from a church donated to him and is living in it. I don’t think that  this will last very long. He has a pattern of joining a church and presenting himself as humble, poor, and kind. He has a “gift” of making people feel sorry for him. Then they help him until he loses his temper and does something crazy like call the pastor an asshole or something else offensive. At the present time, he is “preaching” once a week at the church. Where in the world he got “preacher qualified”, I don’t have a clue. I’ll write more about him some day.

5-30-09 Update….

Lacie has not been phoning me or TPSkipper very often. Finally, on Friday, TPS got a call from Lacie. Her phone had been cut off again and that’s why we couldn’t reach her or get a call from her. She wanted us to know that she is moving from the house that she has lived in for the past 10 years. She got evicted due to an enormous cat population and mold growing uncontrollably thru-out the Love Shack. She told Skipper that her husband was such a thoughtful and wonderful husband that he had patched the tires on his bicycle (LOL) and ridden in to a city that was about 12 miles away to look for them a place to live. I can’t help wondering if it would not have been easier if he had just pitched in and cleaned up the mess that they were living in. Anyway, he found them an apartment and they were packing their stuff for the move. I’m wondering how many bicycle trips that it will take to move all of their boxes to their new house?

My family….dysfunctional and strange…..but, always good for an interesting true story!

 

Tags: baby daddy, being evicted, carnival rides, cartoon wardrobe, cat lover, chain gang, dysfunctional family, fireworks, jelly shoes, married to a convict, millions of roaches, One Hot Mess, redneck love, redneck wedding, schemes and plotting, Sex, soap opera life, stinky cat, Tigger shirt, totally white trash wedding, update to redneck wedding, WalMart, wedding cake, work release program

Decorating for Halloween…White Trash Style

 

I love Halloween! WIth the economy in the toilet now, I’m been busy as a one-legged woman in an ass-kickin’ contest trying to come up with frugal yet fun ways to decorate.

If you are like me and cannot at this time afford to go to Big Ruby’s Happy Hollidays Deco Store, then here are some great ideas that I’ve come up. I’ve found stuff around my house that I can use and thus, not spend a penny on store-bought decorations. I have become a regular White Trash Trailerpark dwellin’ Martha Stewart.

Feel free to steal any of these ideas.

Got kids? Grandkids? Any kids around? Head to their toy box. I found some really useful things in my friend’s little girl’s toy chest.

HANGIN ELMO

 SCARY!!!!Don’t have an Elmo? No problem! This is even scarier if you have a Baby Alive or American Girl doll. Use your imagination and hang up something unusual

 

.Got 2 or more Elmos? Here’s another great idea…..

 

I know what y’all are saying right now. That’s just too damn scary. So, if you think Removing Elmo’s Head is too frightening for your guest, you may choose just to remove Elmo’s hand. Not as scary but still gives goosebumps.

 

While rummaging around in the Little Tykes toy box, I came up with another super-dooper-guaranteed- to -bring- screams idea…..UNHOLY DOLLIESAll that you need for these heart-attack-inducing dolls are any kind of doll (baby dolls are the best, though) white chalk, and a black magic marker. If you are really creative, you may, also, use some catsup and make the dollies “bleed”. If you’re guest are really sick and unbalanced, get a baby doll that drinks and wets. There are even dolls now that “poop”. Water down the catsup, pull off doll’s head and fill the body cavity with the watered down catsup. This is also a good (sick ) way to play the old game, Hot Potato. Instead of dropping the “hot potato”, the loser squeezes the doll too hard and makes it have bloody bowel movements. Kids love this game!!!!!

 Here is a terrific outside idea. I, only, recommend this for people who are planning on painting there house soonor are card carrying Satanist

DISCLAIMER: Trailerparkbarbie is not responsible for your house still looking like this at Christmas. Please decorate responsibly.

While taking a break from painting my trailer, I got another fab idea. CHICKEN IN A TREE! BOO? NO…COCK-A-DOODLE-BOO!!!!!!

 Disclaimer: TPB is not responsible for any fainting, falling, or heart failures induced by Cock-a-Doodle-Boo. Please be responsible when putting fowl in your trees. Please remove chicken/rooster from tree within 24 hours.

Bwahahahha……just imagine the looks on your guests (or trick-or-treaters) faces, when out of no where, they hear a  screeeching rooster or hen noise coming from above!!!!!!

One more idea and then I’m off to decorate some more.

Don’t have a fog machine but wanna have the look of one? No problem! Invite all of your friends and family who smoke cigarettes, cigars, bongs, crack, or whatever. Seat them all together and when a visitor or trick-or-treater stops by……..VIOLA!

 

 

 

I hope that y’all have enjoy this chapter of White Trash Decoratin’.

Send your pictures of your party! Share the fright and fun with me.

Next time, I’ll tell you how to serve refreshments for little to nothin’!

Tags: bloody doll, dead baby dolls, decorating on a budget, dismembered doll, hanging Elmo, Hell, low budget Halloween decorations, redneck, roosters, scary decorations, smoking, White Trash, white trash Halloween

Hodge Podge and The Things I Dodge….

 

AAAIIIIIIEEEEEEEE and ARRRRRGGGHHHHH and SHIYUUUUUUT! I feel like running away. Lately, I’m overwhelmed with too much to do. I really need to get  my head on straight ,place both size 7 feet firmly on the ground and tackle stuff that needs to be done around here. Instead, I procrastinate a lot. I’ve been feeling so tired and experiencing periods of depersonalization. What is depersonalization, you ask?

From The Cleveland Clinic website:

“Depersonalization disorder is marked by periods of feeling disconnected or detached from one’s body and thoughts (depersonalization). The disorder is sometimes described as feeling like you are observing yourself from outside your body or like being in a dream. However, people with this disorder do not lose contact with reality; they realize that things are not as they appear. An episode of depersonalization can last anywhere from a few minutes to many years. Depersonalization also might be a symptom of other disorders, including brain disease and seizure disorders. “

Ugghuggghityugggh…..I started this post early this morning. However, I have been feeling like an extra in The Night Of The Living Dead all day. I can’t get my butt motivated today. Procrastination? Ha…I’m the QOP (queen of procrastination). Here’s to hoping that I can wax my cerebral gears or whatever soon and finish writing what I orignally intended.

In the meantime, let’s all take this little Halloween quiz that I got in my email.

Good morning, friends and occasional readers. I tried upteenth times to get back to this post  yesterday. I wasn’t even procrastinating. Just a lot of activity around here.

And, today, I’m off to the dentist for a root canal!!!!!

So, here’s what I’m gonna do…..I’m gonna write the title of the recent drafts that I’ve done and you make up your own story. And, DO PLEASE POST IT!

Here goes:

The Turkeys Are Coming

This IS Gonna Take A Truckload of Charmin

I Should Have Married The Stupid Blonde Man

My Friends Are Lookin’ Old These Days

Why Are My Tongue Cracks Deeper Than Average

Halloween…..Ways To Scare Trick Or Treaters and Steal Their Candy

So, there! Have at it! I sure am hoping that when I get back in a few hours with a sore mouth, at least one of you guys will have written something to make me laugh!

Tags: deep tongue cracks, Depersonalization, how to scare trick or treaters, invasion of the turkeys, old looking friends, out of body experience, root canal, SOS, stealing Halloween candy, stupid blonde, Trick or Treat

Trailerpark Whing-Ding…..

So sorry, friends and acquaintances, frequent readers, strangers who happened upon this blog while Googling for redneck life, lists, or jokes. I haven’t been around much lately. I don’t take lightly the fact that it is my mission, appointment, undertaking in this life to enlighten y’all about my white trash goings-on.

But, as I wrote in my last post, I’ve been feeling a little “out-of-body” (depersonalization) lately.  When this happens, I just don’t feel like myself. The problem is that I’m starting to like whomever it is that I do feel like.

There I go getting off topic again. Oh look…a chicken. My problem is that I lack the hyperactivity part. And, that’s a bitch. I want the hyper part, too. Now, where was I?

Oh yeah, the shing-dig. It’s HALLOWEEN and that can only mean one thing. Time for our Jolly Jack-O-Lantern get-together. This year’s theme is “President-Smesident…Let’s PARTEEEEEE like it’s 2006″! I bought these to scare the hell out of any party crashers…..

  AAAAIIIIIEEEEEEEE! Scary stuff!I stuck that line in between them because I’m tired of hearing them right now. I didn’t want them to go at it while I’m trying to tell y’all about the party.

OK….let’s get to the important part….the EATS!!!!!! I try to be a little different and daring each year. This year was sorta hard since I was busy being “somebdody else” and that SE was pushing for fancy crap. TG, I got my body back in time to make sure that we had some refreshments. I took up a collection from around the park and ended up with $17.63, a couple of WIC coupons, and $9.31 in food stamps.  This allowed me to buy 17 things from the Dollar Tree and a couple of bottles of vino el cheapo at the Stop and Save. I kicked in enough money to buy enough beer for everyone to get a little bit crazy (depending on how crazy you are to start with).

Here’s the menu. Who could possible resist these treats?

Cousin Pat is bringing her mouth watering Big Scrub Ambrosia. She tries to keep her recepie a secret but everyone ’round here knows that she goes into her pantry and gets whatever fruit she has canned this fall and mixes it all together. Don’t let on like I told you, though.

Jr. Bledso is bringing his special “Tuna Puppies” that he only makes for holidays and wakes. He takes a couple of cans of tuna and mixes it with hard boiled eggs, salad dressing, and a “special sauce” that he won’t reveal. I think that sauce is actually packets of dressing that he has collected from fast food joints and mixes together.

Jeweldeen is bringing Suki-Wawh-Suki….some concoction that she came up with after eating at Huang Young’s Oriental and Gumbo House. I don’t know what that is because she won’t tell me. She says it’s a surprise. I just hope that it doesn’t surprise us in the same way that her Slut Puppies did last year. The Wal-Greens sold out of Kaopectate and hemmroid medicine in 24 hours. I think those little Sluts had a little too much jalepeno peppers and tabasco sauce.

Nancy Cartwheel is bringing her fabulous Old Rugged Cross cake. This is just a yellow cake that she shapes into a cross. I told her that I didn’t feel that a cross was really appropriate at a Jolly Jack-O-Lantern party but she says that there is no place better to make people think about whether they are going to hell or not than one of my “sinners conventions”.

Juanita Hix is bringing her Sloppy Sloppy Joes. Good thing that I bought black trash bags to use as table cloths. Those are so tasty but will ruin the heck out of your clothes with their juice.

My next-lot neighbor, Chit, has made up a bunch of his ass-kickin’ Pit Bull Punch…..Rum, sugar, 1 orange, 1 lemon, 2 limes, and 1 gallon of Mad Dog 20/20.

I bought 5 bags of candy corn, 7 packages of wax lips (2 per pack), and some gummi bugs and worms at the Dollar Store with the money that I collected. I hit the jackpot at the Serv and Sav. I took the nine bucks in food stamps and bought 4 bags of discounted potato chips (they had been opened and had been sorta smashed) and 3 containers of out-dated sour cream. I don’t think anyone will be able to tell that it’s out of date. I never can figure out how you know when sour cream is sour. I took the rest of the food stamps and bought some Firecracker balls. You know…those hot balls that make you feel like your mouth is on fire.

So, that’s what we have so far. I’m expecting some more guests to bring stuff. I’ve gotta run out tomorrow and head back to the Dollar Tree. I found 3 one dollars and a fiver under the couch cushions. So, now, I can buy a few decorations.

Listen up, friends and stopper-bys, this is a private party. Keep the details to yourself.

Plan on COMING EARLY AND STAYING LATE!!!!!!

Oh, and RSVP if it’s possible. I need to know how many chairs to borrow from the sewing/craft/yoga/book club rooom.

Tags: candy corn, Dollar Tree, food stamps, Mad Dog 20/20, McCain, obama, out of body experiences, party on a budget, redneck Halloween party, Slut Puppies, trailerpark party, wax lips, white trash Halloween party

Happy Halloween From My White Trash Family…..

It’s sure been a busy couple of days around here. I’ve been working like a little busy beaver getting ready for the annual trailerpark Jolly Jack-O-Latern Whing Ding.

I’ve got a special treat for y’all that have been invited!!!!! This is a once in a lifetime experience for some of you. Weezer Wilson came by this morning to bring his dish for the party. Guess what he brought?  OMG! I’m so excited that I can’t hardly sit still long enough to tell you.

CHOCOLATE DIPPED SQUIRREL PAWS!

Yep, you read that right. It’s been really hard for me to stay out of the Maxwell House coffee can that he brought them in. He even went so far as to roll some of them up in nut pieces and some in colorful sprinkles!!!!! Now, if that don’t make you wanna come to the JOLWD, I just don’t know what would!!!!!

Here’s a pic of Weezer at last year’s The TrailerPark Gun Club Bake-Off……… And, you single girls…listen up…Weezer is not married! He was widowed 2 years ago when his wife, Willy, fell out of the back of their pickup truck on Interstate 64. Bless her heart! She manged to hold on to the fender for well on 2 miles but lost her grip when Weezer took a sharp turn into the Biscuit World parking lot to grab some breakfast to go. Willy was such a thoughtful person…..letting her frail, elderly uncle ride in the front of the pick up on the way to the flea market. She will be sorely missed as she always did pitch in and help with celebrations at the trailerpark.

Last evening, I went shopping again for scary stuff and a few more refreshments. Before heading off to the Dollar Tree, I stopped at a locally owned store that offers up some really good bargains. They buy lots of stuff from other stores. Stuff that is slightly damaged or last year’s high-falutin’ New York type fashions. I was tickled silly when I saw that all of their Halloween merchandise was already 75% off!!!!!!  I bought some bags of black ants and a bag of little skulls. They will make great cupcake toppers. Among the Halloween stuff, I noticed that Christmas stuff was already being stocked. There was a table of cookie mixes like gingerbread tree kits and such. To my shock and dismay, I saw this……..

Now, what the hey? Who in their right mind would want to bake up a little baby Jesus? Even worse, who would want to eat HIM? I knew that I had to do the right thing and buy up all five of those kits to keep some heathern baker from buying them. My word!!!!! I do love gingerbread, though. Maybe, I can roll it into something else. Like Tom Cruise. I wouldn’t mind chewing his head off.

Well, gotta run now. It’s already 4:30 and I still got a lot of stuff to do. I gotta finish up my Axl Rose costume…….

Hope to see all of y’all later on tonight!!!!

PS…..I had to take TrailerParkSkipper to the eye doctor this morning. She has been drivin’ me plum crazy wanting some of those Sarah Palin glasses. Boy, she was really upset when they told her that they were sold out and she would have to pick some other ones. NO! She insisted on the Palin ones. I took the optometrist assistant into the back room and got her to go along with foolin’ TPS into thinking that she had the SP glasses. Whaddya know? It worked. Here’s a pic I took of her when we got home. I just know VV is going to love this!

 Ain’t she a real cutie???????!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tags: availabe single man, Axl Rose, chocolate covered squirrel paws, Dollar Tree, don't eat baby Jesus, Halloween party, Jolly Jack-O-Latern, Navitity cookie mix, redneck party, Sarah Palin glasses, TrailerPark Skipper, Weezer, white trash Halloween whing ding

13 Heads and Still Growing…..

I’ve never been much of a collector of anything. Well, that’s not  unless you count my dust bunny collection or my dryer lint collection……. which I had big plans to turn into art that would sell for gazillion big-ass dollars.I got that idea from a cool website.  I Saw This Lovely Picture At This Site.

But, as with almost everything else, I quickly lost interest. Then, there was the one time that I decided to collect discarded goth dolls…..…….only to discover that there are not that many. If you look at the upper right (Flickr pic), that is a discarded doll that somebody in my neigborhood threw up in a tree. I couldn’t climb high enough to get her down, though. That’s when I gave up the discarded doll idea.

But then I was given an unusal gift by TrailerParkSkipper for Christmas three or four years ago. It was a set of pottery shot glasses…..two eyes, one nose, and one mouth. I immediately fell in love with them. Since that time, I have been collecting body part pottery. The most expensive pieces that I have are Ugly Jugs/Jughead pottery heads. They are made by a native West Virgian named Ed Klimek. I love Ed’s pottery. The faces are so expressive. Ed’s wife has commented on my blog a time or two but it’s been a while since she has been around.  (Nancy, if you happen to come by, please tell Ed that I should qualify for a discount by now. OK?)

I have 13 pottery heads and most of them were made by Ed. Here’s some pictures of the Jugheads in my kitchen. I have renamed them (sorry, Ed) because each of them reminds me of a family member.

The jug on the left reminds me of my Dad. That cigarette laying in the middle of the shelf is fake. I let each of my Jugheads take turn smokin’ it.

 

 

Here, on the left, is my brother, the redneck infamous car wash dweller and flea market entrepreneur. Notice his ciggie……it stays in his mouth all the time just like in real life.   Let me introduce you to Lucy, the one in the middle. She is my latest acquistion. She is ME. Check out those hawwwt lucious lips!  I just got Lucy yesterday. It was my husband’s birthday and we (TPS and TPM and husbands) all went to Tamarack to have lunch. Tamarack is a big-ass tourist trap (except for eating lunch or dinner which is provided by the world famous Greenbrier ). Due to having to mediate hurt feelings between family members, I figured that I deserved Lucy! Lucy as my mediation award. On the other side of Lucy is Ralph, my half brother. Ralph died several years ago but that big-ass head is just like having him around still yet.

And, here we have Anna Nicole Smith’s toothless cousin, Shelley, on the left. Any ANS’s TV show watchers will know who I am talking about. On the right is my big sister, Chris.  I know that y’all are wondering if my sister was that weird looking. And the answer is….yes….and no. Yes because she had big solid black eyes (even though the Jughead’s are blue) and she had a couple of crooked lower teeth. Chris died on Mother’s Day 2 years ago. But, as with Ralph, I feel like she’s still here when I look at the big-ass head.

 

These two jugs do not look like any of my family members. The one on the left, I call “Ghetto Daddy” and the one on the right is Herman Munster. I think TrailerParkKen bought these two because he waits to go Christmas or birthday shopping until the night before and Tamarack was in low supply on big-ass heads.

I love these jugs not only for the way they look but they serve other roles. They are the “people” that I rant and biotch to when no one else is around. But, their best role is as my “audience”. I play air guitar, sing, put on dance recitals, etc. and this audience always thinks that I am da bomb diggity. They smile, whistle, and applaud (in my head) because if they didn’t, I would smash their big-ass heads!

I saved the best for last. It’s not pottery as you will see. This is, also, named Lucy. TPS bought her for me last year. I keep her at an upstairs window stitting on a little table looking out the window. I forget that she is there and when people ask me who is upstairs looking out, I go, “HUH?” Soon as they start to descirbe her, I damn near laugh my big-ass ass off……PRESENTING LUCY #1

Sometimes, I put hats and glasses on her if she looks really bored.

While I’m thinking about it, I’m going to test TrailerParkBarbie to see if she reallys comes and reads this blog. I’m about to post a picture of her that she definitely will not like. So, if I get a phone call consisting of me saying, “Hello” and than her screaming in my ear, I’ll know that she is actually reading it. But, if I get no call, then I will know that I can go ahead and put anything about her that I want to on here.

BWAHAHAHAHAHA

So, that’s my post for today.

UNLESS YOU WANT MORE PICS????????

I really wanting to post a political rant. A post about how damn stupid the coal miners are around here. And, I won’t take any crap from anybody who wants to comment about me calling the coal miners “stupid”. They are my neigbors, friends, and family members. And, they never question the UMWA telling them who to vote for in an election. There’s a possibility that my big-ass heads use their brains (which are non-exsistent) more often than these dumb asses do.

I feel better now. The last paragraph was good therapy and I didn’t have to pay a shrink a gazillion bucks!

Tags: Anna Nicole Smith, coal mining in West Virginia, collecting, discarded dolls, distractions, dryer lint art, dust bunnies, goth dolls, Jugheads, mediation among family members, sexy beast, Skipper is pissed, Tamarack, Tammy Faye, The Greenbrier, Ugly Head pottery, UMWA

White Trash Election Fashion….

Well, it’s finally here. For two years, we’ve been bombarded with negative ads, debates, 24/7 sound bites, and even an entire 30 minute episodes of Obama Luv Fest.

Before I write anything else, I just want to urge each and everyone of you to GO VOTE!!!! PLEASE!

I’m preparing to go vote in just a little while. I fell asleep on the sofa last night and did not do my voting ritual of laying out my special election outfit. Now, I’m in a major panic trying to find a suitable outfit.

One must present themselves as a serious person when arriving at the polling place.

Here are some pictures of the most popular outfits that you will see in my area at the polls…..

 This oh-so-daring-let-your-rolls-hang-out tank top and tight jeans is favored by the voters who go just before the polls close. These voters have been up all night listening to “Free Bird”, drinking Blue Ribbon beer, and eating canned spray cheese on crackers. After sleeping most of the day, they dress for voting and in hopes of finding an election parteeeee. I will not be wearing this one.

 Here we have the outfit worn by a voter hoping to make a little extra money at the polls (If you know what I mean. wink wink). This woman is most likely not even registered and therefore, can not vote. But, she will hang out in the parking lot offering sympathy to voters who believe that their candidate is losing. I will not be wearing this one, either.

 Around these parts, men have a tendency to squat and sit on their haunches if waiting in a line for anything. Actually, this is not limited to just men. Women may, also, be seen in this comfy, casual outfit. Zilch on this one for me but I’m sure some of my friends will be wearing it.

               And, here, we have some of the many t-shirts with sayings on the front that will be visible at the polls. These shirts are usually matched up with the butt-jeans above. I will not be wearing any of these, either.

 Definitely one of the most popular hair styles worn by white trash women (and men) standing in the voting booth line. Next most popular is the 80′s bad perm and poof….. (PS…Big Hair Envy….doesn’t this bring back some memories?)

A majority of men will be wearing the mullet or a various of it.  This next “do” comes in a very close second with men (and some women)…… This style is favored by local politicians who stand the legal amount allowed away from the polls holding signs with their names on them.

I will not be wearing any of those styles. I would be happy to wear the “poofy” but BigHairEnvy has all of the Aqua Net in the world stashed in a secret place.

Here I am inserting a picture of what the average poll worker looks like at my polling place………. Absolutely no nonsene from this lady while working. She takes her job very seriously. But, watch out!!!!! After the voting is over and all votes are counted, she’ll be doing a bump-and-grind number on top of a table at the local bar with total abandoment!!!! Please take note of the flannel shirt….another MUST in local white trash fashion.

Although, tempted to wear a flannel shirt, it’s going to be in the high 70′s here today. I’m leaning toward a cooler (temp and fashion) outfit…..now whre did I put that t-shirt that I ordered last week…..

I would just love to show you some more fashions but I gotta run. It takes a while to get my blue eyeshadow just right!

Tags: blue eyeshadow, buttcrack jeans, combover, femullet, Taz, voting, white trash election fashion, white trash voting, white trash voting fashion, white trash with cash

I Still “Heart” Gary Busey……

I’m shivering with excitement. Goosebumps are running the full length of my extremities.

HE’S BACK!!!!!!!! 

After wiping the tears from my eyes caused by the scene on Grey’s Anatomy of the old man trying to give CPR  to his dead wife , (did any of ya’ll see it? OMG! Soooo sad) I decided to channel surf and find something a little more light-hearted.

I ran through all the cable news programs and skipped right over every single one of them. I am taking a sabbatical (sounds religious but just a fancy word for break) from any news for a while. It’s been really difficult, too. I am a news junkie! But, I just don’t think that I could watch the news right now without totally breaking down and beating my head against the wall. But, let’s not discuss the reasons for that right now. I’m trying to purge myself of any and all images of sound bites, election coverage, candidates speaking, Shep, Greta, Bill, Hannity and the rest.

I had flipped a lot of channels when I thought that I saw Gary Busey. In rehab. In Celebrity Rehab to be exact. So, I backed up and lo and behold there he was with his big-ass capped teeth, looking crazy crazier than normal. He was talking to Tawny Kitaen, OJ’s ex-girlfriend. The last that I had heard about her, she had beat the hell out of her baseball playing husband.

I did not recognize any of the other people. One guy barely moved his mouth when talking. I became fascinated with his speaking. He kinda reminded me of a ventriloquest’s dummy. Just without the ventriloquiest. He turned out to be Steven Adler, ex drummer for Guns n’ Roses.

“Similar to the first cycle, the second season of “Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew” will follow the real-life experiences of celebrity patients undergoing detoxification and treatment at a center in the Los Angeles area. The show will follow Jeff Conaway as he checks back into rehab after a series of back surgeries, setbacks and subsequent reliance on pain medications. Joining him in rehab are Sean Stewart (Sons of Hollywood), Amber Smith (model/actress), Rodney King, Nikki McKibbon (American Idol), Steven Adler (Guns n Roses) and Tawny Kitaen (Actress). Gary Busey, who is 13 years sober, will also be joining the cast to share his experiences and thoughts on the recovery process.”…..VH1 website

Gary Busey will have great words of widsom for his fellow rehab friends.

Like:

Gary on Life Before Christ……”…the experiences that God gave me to go through…which were cocaine, which were extravagant living in the fast, fast, fast, fast, fast lane, see?”

Gary on Philosophy and the Problem of Evil….”… your shadow, the dark side. C.G. Hume writes about it, in terms of the fact that every one of us has a dark side. And my dark side, my shadow, my lower companion is now in the back room blowing up balloons for kids’ parties”.

On his recovery from a motorcycle accident….”“One night…at [the hospital], I was sitting in bed…and saw the Grim Reaper standing in the corner. He was seven feet tall, with a brown robe. He pointed to me and said, ‘Relax, it’s not your time to go. You have been given gifts. These gifts are ready to be received by mankind. So get on your feet and improve.’ Then he laughed, spun his scythe and left. I wasn’t asleep and I hadn’t been for days. Whether this was a premonition or an angel in disguise, I don’t know. But it was a positive reinforcement to stay on the road to recovery, which I’ve done.“

Excerpts from an interview done with Metal Rules magazine…..

MR: What’s your favorite cheese?

GB: (Pause)  Cake.

MR: Cake?

GB: Cake!

MR: Oh… okay.

GB: Cheesecake.

GB: “I’m doing high intensity training, science, philosophy, and nutrient supplements.  And I feel better than I’ve felt in years… since I can remember. ….  I’ve also done some intensives on the spiritual, body/mind balance.  Spirituality, mind and body balance with a lady named Carolyn Braddock.  And I have so much energy.  I mean I’ve been told by doctors and surgeons that I have the energy of ten men who have normal jobs.  And now that energy is balanced.”

MR: Now is that something that you can overdo? 

GB: What?

MR: Is it possible to overdo something like that?

GB: Overdo what?

MR: I don’t know, spirituality or the aerobics or…

GB: NO!

MR: Like anything else?

GB: NO! NO!  No, you cannot overdo that.

MR: ‘Cause the thing I wonder about…

GB: Imagine the peace symbol.  The peace symbol has three pieces in it.  One piece is emotion, that’s your body.  Another piece has spirit in it, that’s your fuel.  Another piece has intellect in it and that’s your steering wheel.  You can never overdo the fuel that goes into the body, which is the emotions and the steering wheel to drive it.

“Fear is the dark room where the Devil develops his negatives.”…Gary Busey

“ There has got to be more to life than being a really, really, ridiculously good actor.” Gary Busey

 

I could list a ton of Gary’s quotes but I’m got stuff to say about some more of the Celeb cast.

 

Rodney King….RODNEY KING” He’s the guy who said “Why can’t we all just get along?”  Isn’t he kinda non-celeb cleb? However, he does seem like the sanest one of the bunch.

 

Sean Stewart…son of Rod Stewart. WTF? Maybe, this show should be named Kinfolk of Celebrities Rehab.

 

 Nikki McKibbon and Amber Smith??? Who are they? Never heard of either one of them.

Last but not least….presenting…..Jeff Conway. If any of you caught any of the Celeb Rehab shows last year, you will know what I mean when I call him a 1st Class Nut-job!!!!

This show is one hot mess of has-beens and losers! But, it sure took my mind off real news. It ,also, gave me a great idea. Listen up all Church of the Dali Mama members……we need a couple of volunteers to develop habits bad enough to need rehab. If any of y’all already have one, that would be a big plus. See, we get one or two of us in there and start converting them to the CODC (except the nonceleb celebs). Then, we TITHED them. Right there is enough money to build us a fine meeting place! Any volunteers?????

 

I’ve got so much more to say about these “celebs” but it’s late and I’m tired. I’ll write more biting, sarcastic remarks on another post.

 

Over and out!

 

 

 

Tags: alcohol addiction, Celebrity Rehab, drug addicition, Gary Busey, hot mess, Rodney King, Sean Stewart, sex addicition, Steven Adler, Tawney Kitaen, Tawny K

Dadgonnit, I’m Tired…..

It seems lately that I just cannot catch up. There is always something going on. Some of it (I admit) I do bring on myself. Like my compulsive to buy and sell on eBay. I do make money but right now it’s not worth the aggravation and time that it takes. But, even when I have a full day, I will dwell on it and dwell on it until finally I’ll give in to the addiction. I hop in my car and go  out to the store where I buy all the marked down stuff, buy a bunch, and go home.  I’ll throw the bag of stuff on top of the other bags of stuff that I have alrighty bought to sell on eBay. Then, everytime I pass it, I feel guilty and stressed. It’s a regular cycle and I used to try to fight it but always lost. Now, I don’t even fight the impulse. I’ll stop whatever I am doing and go to that store and start all over again. Actually, I buy great quality stuff that I do make pretty good money on when I get time to list it.

Take today, for example. I woke up tired. Here’s why I woke up tired. Went to a QVC auction last night. It didn’t end until 11:30pm. I got home after midnight and had to get up to go to church this morning. Yes, I said church.  The only time that I feel halfway calm is in church. However, right after church, I drove out to THE STORE where I purchased 20 packages of men’s size 2XL tidy-whities for eBay. As crazy as that sounds, it’s probably one of the most sane things that I’ve done in that department lately. I have found my little niche’ on eBay and I hope I’m not risking offending in of ya’ll when I tell ya what it is.

It is…..”drumroll please”….ta da….Giant size undies for ladies and gents! Them suckers sell really well.

Just so you know, though, I do not sell this kind>>>>>> To be honest with y’all, though, I would if the store had them and they made me a good profit. Who am I to judge what people wear around their own home. I sure hope that guy is in his own home, for sure.

. They sell for more on ebay than in department stores. I was mystifyed by this at first but then I think that I figured it out. People who are rather larger either cannot find their sizes in stores or they do not want to go out in public and purchase them. That’s my guesses.

Back to the auction. I went two weeks ago and had “SUCKER” written on my forehead. I bought a tray full of electronics….cameras, DVD players, GPS systems, etc. I paid 95 bucks for them. My reasoning was that if just 2 or 3 electronic gadgets worked, it would be worth it. Long story short…not worth it…none worked. UNRETURNABLE! But, I had also bought two air electronic air fresheners (Ionic Breezes) and neither of those worked. But, they were guaranteed for 30 days. So, I went to the auction just to return the Breezes. I had the one intention of returning them and getting my money back. I was a little taken aback when I was told that I would not get my money back. Instead, I was issued “auction bucks”……just as good as money according to the guy at the desk. Now, I may not be Steve Forbes, but I do know that I cannot spend auction bucks at WalMart or the gas station.

This video is a lot like some auctions that I use to go to. I’ve never seen so many “holler people” in one place in my entire life as at those auctions……

The auctions that I am going to now  have either HSN or QVC merchadise.

Once again, I’ve gotten off my original posting idea.

It was, I AM TIRED!!!!!

I’m too tired after writing this much to tell you anything else that is going on. But, I can’t end this post without telling you this.

Last weekend was hubby’s b-day. My oldest daughter bought him too very interesting books. I’ll probably read them myself.

My youngest daughter, also, bought him a book. I will not be reading that one, though. The title: The History Of Ice, Cooling The South, The Block Ice Era 1875-1976.

I can feel the giggling coming on again right now. Your first question (as mine was) is who read that book? But, I had to, also, ask myself two more questions:

Who would write that book?

Who would buy that book as a gift (or for any reason).

I was gonna be nice and put a pick of that book on here so you’d see that I’m telling the truth. But, no can do—True Blood is on and I’ve just gotta see what happens to lil Miss Sooki and that onery Miss Tara ( and the rest of that crazy bunch). And, Sam is gonna reveal that he is a shape shifter and Jason is caught up with that psycho biotch….and…….I gotta go.

Tags: auction, broken cameras, eBay, HSN, obsessive compulsive behavior, obsessive shopping, psycho bitch, QVC, shapeshifters, True Blood, vampires, very large underwear

Jobs???!!!!!!!

I know! I know! Everybody, including myself, is sick of all the election hooplah and crap. But, I got this in my email and it seriously reminds me of a lot of people around here.  I don’t know what it’s like in y’alls neck of the boogerwoods, but J-O-B-S is an ugly 4 letter word in the vocabulary of generational welfare families in these parts. Then, maybe, they are the smart ones (not!). Free health care, free dental care, clothing vouchers, food stamps, Thanksgiving/Chirstmas free dinners and food baskets, Shop With A Cop, Toys for Tots, Head Start perks for parents, and so on and so on and……

Hmmmm…..looking at all that written in black and white makes me rethink working and being self-effecient. I wonder where do I sign up?

 

 

In other news…..I came across a blog today that is written by two senior ladies who have been friends for 60 years. It’s very opionated and I don’t agree with everything that they write. But, I have added it to my blogroll because I admire the feistiness and gusto used in writing the blog. I’ve added it to my blogroll….Margaret and Helen.

Let’s see….hmmm…what else do I want to write about?

Oh….Vinyl Villager is competing with another blog on BlogExplosion. Go vote for him! He’s da bombdiggity!

And, Dear Allison, another really great blogger gave me an award which I really do appreciate. Here’s where I admit that I am a stooge when it comes to putting stuff in my side-bar. I really wanted to dispaly it and Vinyl V has offered to help me. I’m gonna take him up on it just as soon as I get some extra time. For now, I’ll just show it right here to y’all……

Go check out her blog. She’s great!!!! She writes about stuff that hits close to home for me.

I’ve really been busy lately and have been neglecting my blogging buddies. So, here’s a shout out to Big Hair Envy,  Moonbeam McQueen, Note To Self, saltedlithium, Girl From the Ghetto, and The Incredible Woody. These are not all of my buddies but frankly, I’m getting tired and it’s time to curl up on the couch in front of the television. If I have not listed you, friend, don’t worry. I promise to list you next time.

Were it not for the people that I’ve mentioned, I probably would have quit blogging by now. They do not realize (and I’ve never taken the time to tell them until now) how much encouragement they are to me. Their comments are funny, interesting, and informative. I am always pleasantly surprised to find my faithful blogging friends have commented on my posts. Even when I think the post is pretty much a piece of crap.

Here is where I was going to post a pic of a group hug but hold-the-phone-Hilda!!!!! I found something much better…….Group Hug.

From Group Hug……..

“Today I’m stopping smoking weed, for a while. It’s fucking with my head, and my voice sounds weird.

Stuff gets better without weed. If only I could get a girlfriend…”

” fell in love with my boyfriend because he didn’t treat me like a slut like all the other guys did. Sometimes, though, I wish he’d f*ck me like I was one.”

“does little happy dance”…..Guys, y’all gotta go check this out. It’s a gold mine of material for posts!

“I fart in my office whenever I want. I’m the boss. Don’t like it? Bring some air freshener. “

“Your a sick human being. Better be careful cause you might get a booger in your coffee. “

“to my coworker to finds thirty to be “old” and “scary”, f*ck you and the tricycle you rode in on. thirty’s coming for you too, bitch.”

One last thing. Then, it’s couchiepoo time.

To the chicks and Dan at Bipolar Chicks Blogging. You guys are the smartest, funniest, and most caring people that I have ever known….online or real time. I am not ignoring you. Truthfully, I’m retreating into “funny world”, where things are not allowed to get too serious. Dan, I have answered your email 4 times. Couldn’t hit the “send” button, though. All 4 times, I hit delete. I wasn’t lying when I told y’all that I cannot handle expressions of concern very well. It’s not something that I am use to. Please forgive me for you are a wonderful man and a great friend to all of us. Seriously.

Tags: bipolar chick, blogging friends, farting, food stamps, group hug, Margaret and Helen, obama, online confessions, online friends, scribbler award, weed, welfare

Saturday Welfare Joke….

Guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, ‘Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I’d really rather have a job.’
 
The social worker behind the counter said, ‘Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You’ll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he’ll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You’ll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year.’ The guy, wide-eyed, said, ‘You’re bullshittin’ me!’
 
The social worker said, ‘Yeah, well . . . you started it. 

Tags: bull shittin', Obama's welfare plan, welfare, welfare to work

The Stinky Belly Button Club….

I had no idea that there were soooo many people with stinky belly buttons. But, I have quite a few responses to this post. I kinda expected a lot of comments on my poontang but not my stinky abdomen hole.

In the interest of the comfort, social status, and support of my fellow members of The Stinky Belly Button Club…..this post is for you!

You say that it’s not your belly button that you are googling? You are doing an act of kindness for a friend, loved one, neigbor or co-worker? Yeah….right! Well, here’s is a great gift idea for your “buddy”…….

Belly Button Lint Remover……

Take a long bead and stick a piece of pipe-cleaner through it, make a tiny loop at one end so it won’t come out of the bead.

At the other end, make the pipe cleaner into a circle and attach the end into the top of the bead. (So it looks like a tiny toilet brush). Stick it into a small zip bag.

Print the words, “Genuine Belly Button Lint Remover” on white cardstock, print it out and fold it, then staple it to the top of the ziplock bag.  Here’s a couple of little poems that you could include:

Don’t mean to be blunt,
but take a hint. . .
This little brush is
for belly button lint!
———-

And, if you are really disgusted by their belly odor or are dealing with clueless people, I wrote another little ditty….

If you can’t take a hint

Then learn from this ditty

Your belly button scent

Smells downright shitty!

 .  This gift can be given anonymously thru the mail or just by leaving it on the desk of your co-worker. If the offending belly button owner goes to church with you, you can slyly stick it in the hymnal that they will be using. 

In the event that the SBBC (Stinky Belly Button Club) goes global, here are names used by people in other parts of the world. This is just so we will know what they are referring to when they post about “my knob” or “my hub”.

The belly button has many names, including the fairly technical term “navel”. “Navel” comes from the Anglo-Saxon word “nafela”.

The Romans called the belly button the “umbilicus”.

The Greeks called it the “omphalos”. So if you add the Greek word “tomê” (meaning “cutting”), you get “omphalotomy”. This word means “cutting of the umbilical cord”.

Omphalos also means “knob” or “hub”. The Greeks erected a holy stone, or fetish stone, in the Temple of Apollo at Delphi (on the slopes of Mount Parnassus near the Gulf of Corinth). They called this rounded conical stone the Omphalos (or Navel), as they thought that it marked the exact centre of their universe.

The original inhabitants of Easter Island called it “Rapa Nui” (“Great Rapa”) or “Te Pito te Henua” (“Navel of the World

One-eyed Mabel (would be one-eyed nabel in German)

poopachek … Hungarian 

Mistress Smelly, Stinky and Kinky….white trash dominatrix (OK, I made that one up).

If you have another name, please feel free to add it to the list.

SBBC Activities…..

Naval Gazing….

The phrase “contemplating one’s own navel” has the ring of a long and honourable history behind it. The word “omphaloskepsis” (also called “omphaloscopy”), meaning “contemplating one’s navel as an aid to meditation”, sounds like it is thousands of years old. “Skepsis” is a Greek word meaning “the act of looking, or inquiry”. However, the Merriam-Webster web site “Word of the Day” column claims that omphaloskepsis was invented only in the 1920s.

This was not the first time people tried to find enlightenment in the navel. In the past, an “omphalopsychic” was one of a group of mystics who gazed at their own navel so as to induce a hypnotic reverie. The Greek Christian monks of Mount Athos used a specific method of navel contemplation called Hesychasm, to maximise the divine enlightenment. This method would presumably have given them many different insights into divine glory.

But another navel divination method, “omphalomancy”, gave only one specific item of information. It predicted how many children a woman would give birth to, by counting the number of knots (bumps in the fleshy plaiting) in her umbilical cord when she was born.

That was from the Great Bellybutton .

Enjoy these great quotes about belly button fluff that I found while researching belly buttons.

BBF uses

storage: “My friend collects his boyfriend’s and stores it in his teddy bear.”

clothing: “I’m saving mine to knit a jacket.”

“yeah yeah”: “I’m collecting it for my male pattern baldness . . . ”

homecraft: “I reckon we should establish Belly Button Lint collection stations, and make doonas and pillows from it. Maybe we could establish a cottage industry, and have people with spinning wheels recreating cotton and other fabrics from the lint.”

firestarting: “It’s useful as tinder when out in the wilderness.”

lighting: “Could Belly Button Lint be combined with ear wax to make a candle? This could go some way towards solving the energy crisis.”

So, let’s bring to order our first meeting of the one and only official Stinky Belly Button Club!!!! Membership is FREE but you must have a smelly belly to qualify.

Tags: belly button, navel gazing, smelly belly, stinky belly button, Stinky Belly Button Club, stinky navel

How Will Obama Hurt Small Business?

 I got this in my email. I don’t know who wrote it. If anyone knows, post it in a comment and I will be more than happy to give them credit for it.

This is for my blogger friends who have small businesses. ENJOY!

Fellow Business Executives:

As the CFO of this business that employs 140 people, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barrack Obama is our next President, and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way.

To compensate for these increases, I figure that the Clients will have to see an increase in our fees to them of about 8% but since we cannot increase our fees right now due to the dismal state of our economy, we will have to lay off six of our employees instead. This has really been eating at me for a while, as we believe we are family here and I didn’t know how to choose who will have to go.

So, this is what I did. I strolled thru our parking lot and found 8 Obama bumper stickers on our employees’ cars and have decided these folks will be the first to be laid off. I can’t think of a more fair way to approach this problem. These folks wanted change; I gave it to them.

If you have a better idea, let me know. 

Tags: head-up-ass, jobless rate, layoffs, obama, Obama small business plan, small business, you're fired

I’ve Got The Fever….

……cabin fever!

Monday morning…Nov. 17

Dear Diary (and loyal readers of which I am up to 9 now),

It’s been snowing on and off here for a few days. Actually, it’s quite lovely. It’s kinda Norman Rockwellish. I can look outside my window and see deer eating or running thru the snowy front field.. Aren’t they just precious? God’s creatures. I could just sit for hours and watch them frolic!!!! As a matter of fact, I’m gonna fix me a big-ass cup of hot cocoa (maybe, even throw a few mini marshmallows in) and just relax and watch Bambi and friends play their (rein)deer games.

Monday afternoon…..legs getting a little stiff. Think I’ll go out and see if I can get close enough to one to touch it. I’ll come back and report whether or not I could do it.

Got really close to the next to the largest. But, then something really crazy happen. It opened it’s mouth and let out a sound that resembled a cross between a small child screaming and a werewolf. I immediately started backing up very slowly under the watch of it’s huge, dark eyes. That’s when I remembered all the stories that I’ve read and see on the news about deer attacks. I started backing up quite a bit faster. Finally, the deer turned and went the other way followed by it’s deer-homies. I sat on the porch a few minutes to make sure those beasts were gone (and checked to see if I had peed my pants) and then decided to walk out thru the snow into the field. I might mention here that boredom had started rearing it’s ugly head. When I got out to the field, I fould the deer had left me a parting gift…. Actually, the turds were theirs. I made a smiley face with them. Boredom up to Level 2 now.

So, I went back in and mixed some hot cocoa, threw it in the sink, and drank some wine instead.

Tuesday morning,

Woke up with a knot on my shoulder from the flu shot that I had gotten very eary Monday morning (before that crappy snow started coming down). But, I went outside, swept snow off of the porch and off my 4WD Jeep. I had to go out. Norman Rockwell can kiss my ass.

Now, some of you may remember that I posted a good while back about car shopping. My Jeep had several years on it and was making some noises that sounded like a whale farting. Being the gigantic procrastinator that I am, I hadn’t gotten around to deciding what kind of car to buy yet. Oh well….I would just ignore the whale farts and go to the post office and maybe, to Wally World or the grocery store. I took my shower and got all snazzy-Mayed up. I decided to start my car and let it warm up while I ate a yummy (not) Lean Cuisine for lunch. After lunch, I picked up my purse, put on my coat and headed out. I had forgotten one important thing……my heater/defroster only worked sporadically. Crapola!!! I went to the basement and hunted around until I found a can of defroster spray. It was almost empty but I figured I had enough to clear my windshield. Being in this predicament before, I knew from experience that the windshield would not stay clear long and I would have to move FAST!  I cleared a spot big enough to partially see thru and drove straight to an auto supply place to buy a portable fan. I had heard that you could buy one that hooked into your car ciggie lighter. Luckily, they did have one…ONLY ONE…left. I thanked my lucky stars and bought it. I was a little taken aback that it only cost $15.00 but I just thought I was having good luck.

NO! I was not having good luck. They did not have just one left. They had the only one that they had ever had in stock for the last 10 years left. Let me give you an idea of how strong that heater/defroster was. I could pull my seat up as far as it would go in order to get my face as near as possible to the windshield and gently blow and it would have worked better than that piece of cheap crap. I figured that I had better go back home. The roads were pretty bad and the snow was still coming down. Plus, I now know what it would be like to try to drive if you are blind. I could not see a damn thing. I had to drive about 12 miles an hour on a 4-lane road with a speed limit of 65 to avoid a high speed crash. A few rude people almost caused me to have a slow speed crash by coming up behind me and laying on their horns. WTF did they think? Scaring the shit out of me would clear my windshield?

Tuesday evening…..

My son-in-law, a few days earlier, had talked me into signing up as a distributor for Monavie. Monavie is being touted as the new miracle cure for almost everything.

Monavie……

MonaVie Active® Juice

 

MonaVie™is a delicious and energizing blend of the Brazilian acai berry – one of nature’s top super-foods – and other nutrient dense fruits. Developed with the philosophy of Balance-Variety-Moderation, MonaVie products deliver the phytonutrients and antioxidants you need to maintain a healthy and active lifestyle.

 

MonaVie Active Juice contains the additional benefits of glucosamine and esterified fatty acids.

The pushers of MonaVie claim that this purple miracle juice cures everything from acne to constipation to cancer. I am so gullible about miracle cures that I let him lead me thru signing up to be a distributor. I have no intention of selling it to but one person….myself. I was feeling pretty silly when he asked me for a profile name and I responded with “Iliketoshit” in reference to the constipation cure aspects of the juice. It was pretty funny when I got an acknowledgement email addressed to “Iliketoshit”.

It is recommended that you drink 2-4 oz of MonaVie 1-2 times a day. The only problem with that is it cost $30 a bottle and only has 21.5 ounces in a bottle. This could be a quite expensive experiment.Being the good wife that I am, I hid the bottle from hubby. No sense getting his hopes up about the miracle juice until I try a WHOLE bottle first, right?

There is a website named The Purple Horror that I found to be quite an entertaining read. It was sooooo interesting that I lost track of MonaVie consumption and drank the entire bottle. Uh oh….not good. Was I going to get the running shats? Glad to report that I didn’t. There goes the constipation cure claim.

Wednesday…….

……Remember the movie, “The Shining” adapted from the Stephen King book? Jack Nicholson chopping down the door with an ax and sticking his big-ass head thru it? Well, that is how I am starting to feel….like a crazy person stuck in a big hotel in Nowheresville.

“Little pigs! Little pigs! Let me come in! Not by the hair of your chinny-chin-chin! Then I’ll huff! And I’ll puff! And I’ll blow your house in!” Jack Nicholson (Jack Torrance) in The Shining

By now, I’ve read a whole book, cut my fingernails and toenails. I’ve dusted all the vents in my house and done all the laundry. I’ve watched everything that I have recorded on my DVR. I am so friggin’ bored that I am considering making prank calls even though I know everyone has caller ID.

“”Here’s to five miserable months on the wagon, and all of the irrepairable harm its caused me.” Jack Nicholson (Jack Torrance) in The Shining

This is where it gets ugly, I’m ashamed to say. I pull the case (yes, I bought a whole case) of Mona Vie out of hiding and start drinking. It’s full of good stuff. Couldn’t hurt me, right?

I spent the next couple of hours watching re-runs of My Big Redneck Wedding and drinking magic juice. One and 3/4 bottles……

I don’t feel so swell right now. But, a call to 911 might break up the monotony!!!!!

Gotta run now…..seriously….Iliketoshit has to.

Tags: boredom, cabin fever, deer attacks, deer turds, desperation, MonaVie, Norman Rockwell, purple horror, The Shining

My Big What???????

Great! Just great!!!!!!

I been suffering from insomnia for a while now. I usually have trouble sleeping for several nights in a row. Then, thankfully, I have a nice, restful night.

Tonight should be my restful night.

“Beyond any doubt, any woman is going to surprised with your really big.What are you waiting for? It’s going to be way too simple!”

 

I got this is in my email. Normally, I delete spamed crap like this. But, for some unexplainable reason, I caught the words “your really big” before my finger hit the delete button.

Now, here I am. It’s almost midnight. I can’t stop wondering and asking myself…..my really big WHAT?

banana?……. 

cry-baby, bald naked man in the corner?

……horned cheeseball head?

hair?……

 

My big whaaaaat? I just do not know.

Just a mere 57 minutes ago, I was ready to go to bed and sleep. Now, here I sit. Wondering about what is it that she/he was talking .

But, even worse, how does he/she know that it’s big???????

Tags: big banana, big cheeseball, big hair, insomnia, spam

Cheap White Trash Christmas Gifts…

I’ve been pretty busy lately but darn-it, I can’t let y’all down this year. Last year’s WT gift ideas was pretty popular. This year, with the economy in the toilet, I feel that it is my White Trash duty to help you come up with gifts for each and everyone on your lists!

And speaking of toilet…..This Mammy toilet paper cover will just scream “Ho Ho Ho” all year long. You can find the instructions here. Can’t crochet? Neither can I!!! So, I just buy a bottle of Mrs. Butterworth, smash the head off of it and just use it straight up on the toilet paper. Make sure that all glass shards are off of it, though. Otherwise, you will have to make the gift receiver one of these….To make your own soulful first-aid kit, cut bandage shapes from colored paper, write out motivating quotes (ex. Be careful with glass around your ass!) and well-wishes, and present them in a doctored-up bandage box. What kind of Scrooge would not enjoy reading motivational words what sitting on the john??????

I can hear some of you saying right now, “But, TPB, I can’t afford yarn much less Band Aids or Mrs. Butterworth. Never fear, my friends. This next gift is my personal fav. And, the best thing is…it’s TOTALLY FREE!

Gift certificates and coupons……FREE! FREE! FREE! How? Easy as 1-2-3. Go to your local post office at least once a day. If possible, make several trips. Make sure that you are carrying something that looks like mail that either you have received or are going to stick in the box. Casually, cruise the trash cans. Train your eyes to spot discarded goodies. I, personally, have recovered $10 off $10 for JC Penney’s, Fashion Bug,Kohl’s and Lane Bryant. Keep your eye peeled for discarded magazines. I haven’t paid for a magazine in well on 5 years. For the little ones…..look for envelopes with return addresses such as Society for the Blind, Disabled Veterans and such. These usually contain FREE stuff like bright stickers for that little one on your list. Two years straight, I lucked out and got Christmas cards and calendars…..big buck savers!!!!!!

However, you probably want to wait until the lobby is empty. You don’t want to run the risk of being accused of stealing people’s identities. Some people get down-right nasty if they see an envelope with their name on it in your hands. But, IMO, they shouldn’t throw good stuff away! Nosey boogers!!!!!!

Here’s one that has proven popular year after year……Handmade jewelry. String something on fishing line or thread. Suggestions of things to string…..marcaroni, popcorn, Fruit Loops, Cheerios (any cereral with a hole), penne pasta, marshmallows or anything that you have laying around that will accomodate a needle. Got an extra buck or two? Go to the Dollar Store and buy some spray paint and decorate your jewelry in festive colors.

Now, here’s a thougtful present that’s sure to please the office worker on your list. A paper weight! The second part of paper weight is weight. Just go outside and look around until you fin a big-ass rock. Then use your imagination to decorate it. Glitter it! Write something endearing with a magic marker on it.Tie a big bow around it and there ya go!  That’s not exactly the rock that I had in mind, but, hey…..he’d do just fine!

Ornaments….Take different sizes of paper cups, wrap outside with Dollar Store aluminum foil. Turn upside down and VOILA…a silver bell for your favorite person.

Next time, we’ll learn how to make decorations out of discarded stuff or things that you already have around the house.

Such as….TAMPON LIGHTS…

Who says that you need money to spread the joy of the season????

Things

Tags: box of motivation, cheap presents, Duane Johnson, economy, free coupons, free gift certificates, free white trash gifts, JC Penney, Kohls, Lane Bryant, Silver Bells, tampon lights, The Rock, white trash crafts, white trash paperweights

More White Trash Christmas….

I seriously wish that I could take credit for the following, but I can’t. I found this on Tampon Crafts. I sure wish that I had thought of this first.

“Your period comes every month, but Xmas comes only once a year. So bring that menstrual joy to this holiday season with these tampon tree decorations. From a string of tampon lights to a star at the top of the tree, feminine hygiene has never been so festive!”

This one is for Big Hair Envy….

 

CHECK THIS OUT!!!!! I’m gonna hang these babies all over my mobile home this holiday season. Oooieeee! Soooo purdy that I can’t wait to go to the Dollar Store uptown tomorrow! Your friends and relatives will be so jealous when they see these festive babies!

These festive tampon “lights” will brighten up your tree, or add a cheery touch to a window or doorway.

 Easy instructions at the Tampon Christmas craft site. While you are there, be sure and check out the fab New Year’s Eve ball, pan flute, and other fantastic (and cheap) ideas. There is even a craft/gift for the bald guy/woman on your list. Looky at this…..

HAIR>>>>>>> Uncle Jack won’t need Hair Club For Men after he gets this beaut!!!!!

Whoever does the Tampon craft site is a downright brainiac in my opinion. But, I can claim credit for this idea. Dip the tampons in your favorite body splash or cologne. Not only will they look festive but your house will smell great! Or, make a set for that hard to buy for person on your list. Dip them in their fav scent. They will think about you everytime that get a whiff of that colorful “woman’s item”.

Here’s another little tip/idea…..limit the number of “lights”  to 4 or less. Dip them in Pine-Sol or Dollar Store brand pine cleaner. Great smellin’ air fragrences for pick-ups and cars.  (Ladies…..these can, also, be used to mark your terrority).

Tampons….not just for that time of month (wink wink) any longer!!!!!

If you’re like me, you’ve been wondering what to do with all those empty Valium, TylenolPM, and vitamin  bottles that are laying around in your secret personal bathroom cabinet. Well, here’s a handy-dandy craft/gift that will use those suckers up so fast that you’ll have to doc-shop to fill  find something else to keep there.

Medicine bottle snowman…… Directions for making this lovely item can be found here. Check it out. There are lots of other cheapass thoughtful gifts on that site.

If you’re like me, cash flow has become almost non-exsistent since AIG took us (the honest, hard-working tax payers for a ride 2 or 3 rides). And,  you’re agonizing about what to do for a gift for that damn show-off fashionable friend or co-worker whose name you drew this year. Fret no more, friends! It’s an anything-goes fashion season when it comes to accessories. Make a necklace!!!!! All this requires is some fishing line, quilting thread, or dental floss and items that are just gathering dust in your house.

LOOKY! LOOKY! LOOKY!!!!!!!!

  This necklace actually won an award here. A teletubbie, a set of hooters, something aluminum, beads, and who knows what the hell else. You can be just as creative! Get busy picking up stuff that’s rolled under your couch. Good way to “re-gift”, too. Put those hand knitted ear muffs from Aunt Gert on a string. Use your imagination. Find stuff and string it. What could be easier. And, ya don’t even have to worry about something being to heavy to add. Anybody who would wear a bigass necklace like this is probably already weighted down by gaudy earrings in 8 holes in their ears and enough bangle bracelets to doll-up an entire Miami bridge club.

So, no excuses. No whining. No reason to not give to everyone on your list this year.

Next time, I’ll be giving some great ideas for holiday eats and treats….white trash style.

Tags: cheap gift ideas, pill bottle crafts, tampon crafts, tampon toupee, ugly homemade jewelry, Valium, white trash decorating, white trash gifts

Fruitcake Face…..

I am a master of the fruitcake face.

Definition. …fruitcake face….The surprised look on your face after opening a gift of something truly awful or unwanted (like that fruitcake that has been passed around amongst your family and friends for decades). Masters of the fruitcake face have learned to change a look of horror into a look of surprise in less time than it takes one to blink their eyes.

It takes years of practice to master a presentable fruitcake face……one that doesn’t cause hurt feeling, streams of profanity being blurted out, or broken relationships.

It takes lots of time in front of a mirror to perfect the fruitcake face. You will have graduated from look of shock to look of feigned surprise when you know that your reaction has made the giver feel warm and pleased with themselves.

Before mastering the fruitcake face……………

 

After mastering the fruitcake face…………….

There is no contest when it comes to what group is the best fruitcake face people. MOTHERS! When little Prissy brings home that uglyass wreath made out of plastic soda rings and trash bags in first grade, that’s when we realize the importance of FCF.

Remember when your precious little one got off the school bus on the last day before Christmas vacation carrying something that looked similar to this:

 Uh huh….the infamous trash bag Christmas wreath. I couldn’t post a picture of TPSkipper’s because a couple of years ago, I made her take it home and hang it on her door. That girl is creative, I’ll tell ya. It had lights, paper bows (which you had to glue back on everytime it was touched), and other items that were unidentifiable. This is a mother’s/father’s first lesson in fruitcake face.

Lil one gets off the bus with a something that is bigger than they are. Then it clicks. That’s where all your white trash bags were going! And, we have to hang it up. Otherwise, your child could be in therapy for the rest of their life.

The next year, to my complete horror delight, she came home with about 2 dozen of these……..

 Those little hands have gotten more control since last year. She is now able to make smaller things. Which means……more things. There were sooooo many of these candy cane ornaments on our tree, there was no room left for any other ornaments.

Then, you fool yourself into thinking that by grade 5, teachers will have the kids do something nice……like a poem or card. But, nooooooooo………..instead they have a bonafide art class where they encourage the kid’s originality. This is what I was presented with that year…….. It’s suppose to be one of the wise men presenting a gift to baby Jesus. Yes, I know that it looks like Gumby brandishing a large stick in anger. Think that’s somethin’……ya should have seen the manger scene. The only way that I can describe it would be…..a Gumby gang surrounding and threatening some homeless street people. Just indeedy…..fruitcake face required.

Actually, all of these bring back memories which bring a smile to my face. Not nearly as big as the grin I get when I think about making TPSkipper take those to her house and display them!!!!!!

I went thru the same thing all over again with TPMidge. By that time, I was an expert FruitCakeFace person.

There have been lots of fruitcake face moments in my life. But, one that stands out among the rest is the one that I had to  display at the Christmas gift that my  mother-in-law gave me a few years ago. I like to open my presents after watching others open there’s. MIL had done a good job that year. Levi’s for all the guys, gift certificates and lotions for the ladies. So, I was a fully expecting the same. It felt like a bottle of something (presuming lotion) and was the weight of a nice bottle of Bath and Body Works lotion.

Imagine my surprise when I opened it to find this:

……a bottle of Ivory liquid hand soap. They have changed the looks of the bottle since then. I know because I can remember it clearly….. up a white bottle of Ivory soap.

HUH?????????? I’m not the only one who thought that because the the entire family group got really quiet. This had to have been my Oscar winning Fruitcake Face display. I seriously, did not know what to say. So, I just put on my FCF. As far as I could tell, I only had two things that I could say……

“Thank you!!!!!! How did you know that I’ve really been wanting this?”

or

“WTF??????????? Are you saying that I’m dirty? This is the most awful present that I’ve ever gotten!”

Although, my lips were ready to say the second, I said the first.  After all, this was suppose to be a season of joy and love.

 

So, there. This is just one more service that I am providing my readers. Start now. Go in front of a mirror and practice your FCF right now. Then, you’ll be ready for anything this holliday season.

I’d love it if you’d take a sec and post your worse Christmas gift and how your reaction when you received it. Come on……share that moment with us!!!!!!!

Tags: Christmas memories, feigning surprise, fruitcake face, Gumby, Ivory soap, kid's ugly Christmas crafts, peace on earth.homemade crafts, school Christmas crafts, ugly trashbag wreaths, white trash decorations, worse gift

Looky….A Chicken!!!!!

Got this in my email today and just had to share it with y’all! If you’ve seen if before, it won’t kill ya to read it again. 

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?      

 

*SARAH PALIN:*  Before it got to the  other side, I shot the chicken, cleaned and dressed it, and had chicken  burgers for lunch.   

*BARACK OBAMA:*  The chicken crossed  the road because it was time for a change!  The chicken wanted  change!  

 

*JOHN MC CAIN:*  My friends, that chicken crossed  the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and  dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the  road.   

 

*HILLARY CLINTON:*  When I was First Lady, I  personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience  makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every  chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road.  But then, this really isn’t about me. 

*GEORGE W. BUSH:*  We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not.  The chicken is either against us, or for us.  There is no middle ground here.

   *DICK CHENEY:*  Where’s my  gun?  

 *COLIN POWELL:*  Now to the left of the screen, you  can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the  road.

   *BILL CLINTON:*  I did not cross the road with that  chicken.  What is your definition of chicken?   

*AL*  GORE:*  I invented the chicken.

   *JOHN KERRY:*  Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it!  It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about  the chicken’s intentions.  I am not for it now and will remain  against it.  

 *AL SHARPTON:*  Why are all the chickens  white?  We need some black chickens.

   *DR. PHIL:*  The  problem we have here is that this chicken doesn’t realize that he must  first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes  after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is  help him realize how stupid he’s acting by not taking on his current  problems  before adding new problems.   

*OPRAH:*  *Well, I  understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to  cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his  mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I’m going to give this  chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his  life like the rest of the chickens. 

  *ANDERSON COOPER, CNN:*  We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been  allowed access to the other side of the road. 

*NANCY GRACE:** *  That chicken crossed the road because he’s guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks. 

 

Tags: Al Gore, Al Sharpton, Anderson Cooper, Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, chicken crossed the road, chicken joke, Christmas chicken, Colin Powell, Dick Cheney, Dr. Phil, fighting chicken, George Bush, guilty chicken, hillary clinton, john mccain, Nancy Grace, Oprah Winfrey, risky chicken, Sarah Palin

I’m Honored!!!!!!

Keeping with the Christmas theme, here is a picture of a gift that TPSkipper bought me last year.

 

 

Yes, she did actually give me this. What can I say? She shares my weird sense of humor! She wrote a note that said, “I love you. You will always have my heart!”

“sniff sniff” ‘Cuse me while I dab my eyes!

I received an email from this site.  They have asked permission to use this picture in The Hall Of Bad Gifts!

I’m so honored!!!!! But, I am kinda surprised that they didn’t ask for this one, too.

 

TPSkipper and I went to an arts and crafts show a couple of months before Christmas last year. I spotted this Tammy Faye/Lucy lookalike and fell in love with it. It wasn’t even for sell but someone she managed to talk them into selling it. It was one of my fav gifts ever. I have her sitting in my upstairs window and have been asked by people who that is in the window. LOL

 

She’s one of my favorite things to photograph. I’ve got a bunch of her on another computer. I have one more of her on this one. I call it “Lucy In The Sky Without Diamonds”…….

 

I’m wondering what is in store for me this year? That TPSkipper sure makes Christmas fun!!!!!! That child is One Hot Mess (Jr.).

“hearts to TPS”

Tags: cannibal meat, dummy head, giving your heart, Hall of Bad Gifts, Lucy In The Sky, TrailerparkSkipper, weird Christmas presents, white trash gifts

Why I’ve Not Been Here….

Lots of craziness going on around here lately.
1.Fight with daughter #1
2.Fight with daughter #2
3.Depressing visit to sister WHICH did have some very funny moments.
4. Ho Ho Hell No…not in the mood for buying this year.
5.Shame, shame! Shame on me…don’t even have a Christmas tree.
6. Quit Cymbalta…not by choice. Noooooo…..ran out!
7.Damn insomnia is back. Now, I roam at night and feel sorry for myself.
8.Energy has been sucked out of me by newly discovered type of vampire…The Vacupire.
9.Crying at the smallest things….must be drug withdrawal. Getting desperate enough to go score some good old timey street drug such as whacy baccy. (JK…or am I?)
10.Overwhelmed with lots of stuff to do!

 

Too tired to write more. Besides, my tears keep making me hit the wrong damn key! And, I can’t find my “shitckake” pic. I wanted to award it to myself, dammit!

And…how’s your life going? Feel free to share. Maybe, if we can get enough people, we could form a circle and have a IHE (I’ve Had Enough!) group meeting. Or, an AB (Angry Bitch) get together.

Anybody game? Come on. Let it all hang out here. I promise not to judge. Can’t say that I won’t laugh, though.

Tags: daughters, depression, drug withdrawal, family fights, ho ho hell no, Holidays, I suck, one angry bitch.The Had Enough Club, overwhelmed during the holidays, screw it, this sucks

I Found It…….

I found the cure for my holiday bad mood that I wrote about last night.

 

You MUST listen to this all the way through.

 YOU’RE WELCOME!!!!!!!

Shitcake for all!!!!!!

Tags: classic Christmas music, cure for depression, holiday blues, O Holy Night, shitcake, this hurts my ears, You Are Welcome

Call In “Fill In The Blank” Day….

Today is Call In Gay Day.  You can read about it here.

FYI…this is not an anti-gay post. I have friends and relatives who are gay and I love them very much.

I was thinking about my mom and dad. I was a very late in life baby so if they were alive, they’d both be pretty old now.  Just think Grandpa McCoy on the Real McCoys.

 

“The McCoy family moves from the mountains of West Virginia to California’s San Fernando Valley. The leader of the clan is Grampa–a cranky old geezer with a distinctive voice and gait–but underneath it all, he has a heart of gold. Living with him are his grandson, Luke, and Luke’s bride, Kate. Due to the death of Luke’s parents, these three adults are raising Luke’s teenage sister,… “

One of my blogging buddies once commented that they liked the “rabbit holes” that I took them thru on my posts…..meaning that I start to write about something and end up going off on another tangent altogether. I never had the heart to tell her that I’m really not smart enough to do that on purpose. it’s how my bipolar and ADD mind…..oh looky! a chicken!!!!!!

And, right now, I feel another rabbit hole taking over my original intentions. I’ll do my best to get back to the original topic but can’t guarantee it.

My dad was in his early 60′s when I was born. So, me being XX number of years would make him older than dirt if he were alive. He actually served in the Army with Grandpa McCoy (Walter Brennen). I’m sure that’s why I remember so much about The Real McCoys. At least one half dozen times a week, I remember being told this:

 ”Grandpa McCoy was in my platoon!”

As if that wasn’t enough, Walter Brennen sent my dad an autographed copy of his song, “Old Shep”. This has to be THE saddest song ever.

FYI…Elvis Presley remade this song.

Being subjected to “Old Shep” on a regular basis may explain some of my dysfunctional (and embarrassing) behavior such as breaking into fits of wailing and beating myself about the head and neck when I see an elderly man walking his dog.

. This is most unfortunate as I have been banned from several dog shows and nursing home craft sales.

OK…I just remembered what this post is suppose to be about. Call in Gay Day. I can remember the first time that I ever had an inkling that gay people even existed. I was eavesdropping on a conversation between my parents. This was a normal habit of mine and my siblings. Our parents were not like parents of today (including myself). They did not feel the need to explain life, love, death, etc. with “how-do-you-feel-about-that talks. This was a plus in some ways. No squirming in embarrassment from it-is-my-duty-as a parent-to explain “insert subject here” to you talks. On the other hand, we ended up with warped and sometimes scary information about life. On the evening that I was hiding behind a lilac bush listening to my mom and dad’s porch chat, I distinctly remember my mother saying……”Junior’s mother walked in and caught him in Billy’s pants”. Junior, a year older then me, was a boy who lived directly across the road from us. Billy was his best friend and lived on a farm a few miles away. Being very unwordly (and Old Shep brainwashed, I guess), I interpreted that sentence to mean this……Junior had apparently put on Billy’s pants. I wasn’t sure why this would be discussed in a hush-hush whisper kind of voice but I did know that it was frowned upon. For many years afterward, I would not wear anybody else’s pants. In the 9th grade, my best friend, Ruthann, wanted to borrow a pair of jeans and I was horrified. I mean, afterall, she was my very best friend in the whole world. She was the kind of friend that you dared to kiss so-and-so and had to reciprocate when she dared you back. Ruthann and I kissed a lot of boys that year since neither of us wanted to appear “chicken”. She was, also, more wordly than I was. She had lived in town for her whole life while I was just recently transplanted from the country.

So, it was Ruthann who in fits of giggles told me what my mom and dad were talking about that day on the porch. Ya know….I can still smell those lilacs.

This morning I was thinking about what my mom would say about “Call In Gay Day”. I’m pretty sure that she would have said this…..

“Call in gay? Why on earth would you do that? Wouldn’t it make more sense to call in when you’re sad so you could stay home and cry?”

And, I wonder how many redneck, macho men went to work while sick today?

Tags: city girl, country girl, dysfunctional childhood, gay day, Grandpa McCoy, Junior, misunderstood conversations, Ol' Shep, saddest song, WTF

Everybody Is Wondering….

“what those darling Obama girls will be wearing on inauguration day”……according to Inside Edition.

errr….No, I’m not. I’m not wondering about that at all. So, you are exaggerating or down-right lying, Inside Edition. Actually, I don’t give a rat’s ass what they will be wearing and haven’t given it one second of thought.

At least, I wasn’t thinking about it until you blasted me with that newsworthy  totally stupid statement at 7pm this evening. I’m still not wondering what they will be wearing but am wondering why you would think that everybody is wondering. 

Let’s go ahead and settle this so millions of people won’t stay up every night, losing sleep, and being unable to function day to day until Jan. 20, 2009.

They will wear fancy-smancy, expensive frocks which will most likely be given to them by some posh, unaffordable -to- regular people designer hoping to  make mucho-moolah from the free advertising. You can bet your investigative skills that those lil darlings will be all decked out. Maybe, in something like this…..

From the MommyLivesHerLifeThruMeLine

 

 

 

Or, maybe from the DaddyIsRichandaCrazyScientologist line….

Prehaps they’ll choose a little sumptin-sumptin from IEmployMyMulletWearin’DaddyLine…..

So, many possibilities!!!!!  How ’bout……FutureCBlock#21789Line…

Guess you’ll just have to wait and see!

Now, on a more serious note. I am wondering why (239) 482-3803 UnknownName keeps calling my house. Actually, that’s not true. I know why (239)482-3803, Ken Robinson of Florida
Fort Myers, FL (Florida) 33913 is calling. Because he/they/she is a SCAM ARTIST. Do not answer any calls from this number. I’ve been thru this crap before and have enough common sense to not answer. Instead, both times, I did internet searches which revealed information. 

Today’s shitcake goes to Ken Robinson……

Just one more public service, friends!

Tags: 239-482-3803, fancy dresses, I wonder, inauguration day 2009, Inside Edition, Ken Robinson Ft Myers, miley cyrus, Obama girls, prostitot, scam artist, shitcake, Suri Cruise

Walken Christmas

no time fo a post right now.

But….if any of you are Christopher Walken fans, you just have to go see  TragicallyUnhip’s blog

I needed that almost as much as more cowbell.

Tags: Christopher Walken, cowbell, tragically unhip, Walken

Let’s Band Together……

I have a habit of leaving my television on 24/7 ever since the 9-11 tragedy. Most of the time, the sound is turned down.  It was on today when I went to take my shower. This time, the sound was not muted, but turned on low. It was so low that I couldn’t even hear it when I turned on the water and got in the shower. My shower is a steam shower and when the steam comes on, it makes a noise equal to standing next to cappuccino machine.

I had just lathered up my hair with shampoo when I heard a lot of loud shouting coming from the television. And, to hear it over the steam contraption, believe me, it had to be fairly loud.

My heart started beating rapidly. What had happened?  Thinking that a bunch of murderous terrorists had done some more evil, I jumped from the shower and quickly wrapped myself in a towel. I took off running to the bedroom with scenes of bloody horror playing in my head.

Ya wanna know what it was? Sure ya do. It was this…….

Damnsaminapepsican!!!!!! This guy ’bout gave  me a heart attack.

Why does he have to scream like that?  How many people have bought this glue product that works like magic out of fear and intimidation?

I say that we should band together and stop the insanity (to quote Susan Powder) before someone gets seriously hurt.

Imagine your gramma or grampa innocently dozing off during Sit and Be Fit on PBS  only to be awakened by the manical shouting of  Mr. Billy Mays. What a terrible thing to find gramma sitting dead right in the middle of a upper torso stretch.  Or, you go over to check on the elderly guy next door since you haven’t seen him out walking his dog, Myrtle, for a week. Imagine the absolute shock of finding him on the couch bent from the waist . His head is almost touching the floor as if he were checking for his dentures which did fall out when he dropped over dead from being yelled out by Billy Mays.

I say let’s stop this!!!! I say boycott all products advertised  by screaming maniacs.

Tags: Billy Mays, Christy Lane, irritating commercials, loud people, MendIt, scary people, screaming, sit and be fit

Old People …Not Just For Breakfast Anymore!

     Just got these in my email and thought that I’d share them.

(FYI…This is a picture that I took while playing with some of my toys)

   Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch in Bonita Springs , doing nothing.

 One lady turns and asks, ‘Do you still get horny?’ 

 The other replies, ‘Oh sure I do.’

The first old lady asks, ‘What do you do about it?’

The second old lady replies, ‘I suck a lifesaver.’

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, ‘Who drives you to the beach?’

 
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home in Ft. Lauderdale reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

 The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece. 

The third old lady remarked, ‘I can’t hear a word you’re saying, but I remember the guy you’re talking about.

 

Two elderly people living in Ft. Myers , he was a widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years. One evening there was a community supper in the big arena in the Clubhouse.

 

The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, ‘Will you marry me?’
After about six seconds of ‘careful consideration,’ she answered ‘Yes. Yes, I will!’!!!!!!

The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. ‘Did she say ‘yes’ or did she say ‘no’?'  

He couldn’t remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.

First, he explained that he didn’t remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, ‘When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ‘ Yes’ or did you say ‘No’?’ 

He was delighted to hear her say, ‘Why, I said, ‘Yes, yes I will’ and I meant it with all my heart.’ Then she continued, ‘And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn’t remember who had asked me.’   

A man was telling his neighbor in Miami , ‘I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.’ 

‘Really,’ answered the neighbor. ‘What kind is it?’ 

‘Twelve thirty.’ 

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor in Estero to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, ‘You’re really doing great, aren’t you?’ 

‘Just doing what you said, Doc : ‘Get a hot mamma’ and ‘be cheerful.”,Morris replied. 

To which the doctor said, ‘I didn’t say that, Morris. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur, be careful!’

 

A little old man shuffled slowly into the ‘Orange Dipper’, an ice cream parlor in Naples , and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.  

After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’

‘No,’ he replied, ‘hemorrhoids’

Tags: gramma, grampa, Humor, jokes about old people, old people.old people sex.elderly sex.jokes

Trailerpark Christmas Cards….

I’ve been lagging behind a bit this year. I haven’t even shot a pic of the trailerparkgang for Christmas cards for 2008. I guess I’ll just use last year’s holiday whing-ding group photo for the cover. Here it is in case you missed it last year……

(And y’all thought that I didn’t have any friends in real life! Yes, I did round up these toys figures that I collect real people and photograph them. I justhappen to own the largest refrigerator in the free world.)

 

Mercy me….I sure did have a time at last year’s TPB party. I managed to get this pic before things got ugly. Those of you (1, maybe 2) who have been around since last Christmas will remember how quickly things took a downward spiral. To recap briefly, Mr. T(Duck) was all over Ms. O. Oyl when suddenly Willie Nelson showed up and started makin’ his moves on her. He lured her beneath the counter and had her smokin’ some wicked weed with him. Mr. T(Duck) began to sulk and hidbehind the coffee pot  in another room . He was followed by M. Jackson who had just rumbled with Mammy over that fluffy pink boa. M. Jackson had shown up in a ho’fo’sho’ ensemble leaving nothing to the imagination (thereby, proving once and for all that he has no “parts”…bless his heart). I had to shut him up in the cookie jarpantry for a time out when he refused to stop laying of the floor, limbs askew, singing “Beat It”. Sock Monkey and Ol’ Man Time didn’t give a shit about any of it as they had already bloated themselves on rum balls and Pabst Blue Ribbon/jello shooters. After they had finished all of those, they hit the tequila suckers and began arguing over which one had eaten the most worms. Meanwhile, Mr. Troll was stinkin’ up my trailer chain smoking one ciggie after another. His New Year’s Resolution was to quit smokin’ and he was storing up enough nicotine to kill an entire aborigine village in New Guinea.

 When I saw the blue lights flashing on the driveway, I had to put my foot down and scoot them all under the china cabinetout the door and on their own way.  No small task…no sirreeee. Thankfully, everyone was back in the toyboxremoved before I had to open the door to 3 uniformed officers. Believe me, Larry, Darryl, and the other Darryl are the best around in trailerpark security and it took me having to keep a straight face (not to mention a couple of George Washingtons…bribery? Me?) to assure them that nothing was amiss at Lot #123.

So, if I don’t get one taken in time this year, I’ll just cut and paste different heads on different bodies.

Yes, the are real!!!! I don’t care what that nosey psychiatrist insist on telling my family.

What got me to finally moving on some of this was the annual holiday letter that I get from Mr. Rooter aka Roter Rooter.

 

“Don’t Let a Clogged Drain Dampen Your Holiday Spirit

It’s the holiday season, and you’re decorating the house, shopping for gifts, mailing holiday cards and baking cookies. But have you thought about your plumbing? Don’t let a clogged drain dampen your holiday spirit!

Whether you’re having family over for the holidays or you’re hosting a festive party, your kitchen and bathrooms will be busier than usual….more.

 

No, I’m not kidding. I really do geat this in my email. Let me explain how I got on Mr. R’s list.

Last year, around Sept., TPSkipper and I were competing with each other to see who could get the most and the weirdest free stuff in the mail. I googled Mr. R (I mean….duh….who wouldn’t?) and he was offering a little rubber figure of  Rooter Man.  JACKPOT!  Or, so I thought. The old poop never sent the damn thing. Instead, he added me to his mailing list!

His email is not totally annoying. It’s saved by the recepies in each email. Except, I have noticed that a lot of the recepies include corn.This makes me wonder if he is, perhaps, an evil genius.Could he be hoping to clog up drains with all that corn poop? Hmmm….food for thought, don’tcha think?

tah tah for now (originally, I had written “tata for now” but that looked like I meant “booby for now”)

edited….now, can somebody tell me why my font size suddenly got soooo small in the last part of this post and how to fix it?

edited….I figured it out. I was going to delete the above sentence but did not want Woody coming back here and thinking that she was totally out of it last night.

Tags: bribery, bribing law enforcement, evil genius, Ho'Fo'Sho', Mammy, Michael Jackson, Mr. T, Olyve Oil, Pabst Blue Ribbon and jello shooters, redneck fights, Roter Rooter, smoking weed, Sock Monkey, trailerpark Christmas party, White Trash Christmas cards, wild white trash party, Willie Nelson

Scared Straight…Yes, I Am!

Do any of y’all watch the show, Intervention, on A & E?

I use to watch it regularly but quit when it got to where I couldn’t tell one addict from another. But, tonight, I was channel surfing and decided to watch a few minutes of Intervention. Admittedly, I was reading blogs at the same time.

I was reading a really great post at The Vinyl Village (daaayam, he’s smart!) and looking up occasionally at the television. A & E’s Intervention was doing a story on a woman named Janet.

Briefly, about Janet……

“At age 6, Janet was molested. She was also bullied by other kids, making her extremely self-conscious about her looks. At 18, she married a drug dealer who made her rich, but her husband was sent to prison, leaving her alone with two sons. She turned to drugs and alcohol, and had multiple affairs. Her husband discovered one of her affairs and divorced her. Janet remarried and had two more children, but she missed her old luxurious lifestyle and began drinking heavily. Now she frequently passes out, threatens suicide, and puts herself in life-threatening situations.”

This show was different. This show was interesting. Janet had a story unlike the rest of the Intervention addicts.

Janet sounds like a dolphin when she cries. I cannot link just the video but here is the Intervention site about Janet. That woman is one hot mess!

I googled it after having the total crapola scared outta me. Ya see, while reading VV’s post, I heard this weird, high-pitched sound coming from the television. It was sorta like this….

AAAAIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE   Actually, more  like this boy…..

After watching (and hearing) Janet, I am pleased to tell y’all that I am absolutely scared straight. I promise to never get involved with a millionaire drug dealer nor partake of his goods. The thought of being watched by millions of people while dolphin-crying is simply horrifying.

Tags: alcoholic, crying like a dolphin, drug addict, Intervention, millionaire drug dealer, scared straight

Unattached Men…This Post Is Especially For You!

 

Well, you ladies might want to read it , too. You may be able to finally rid yourself of Uncle Charlie and his best friend, Roland, from showing up on Christmas morning while you are in the middle of opening gifts. No more buying extra tins of popcorn just in case they show up again. No more of your little ones asking why Charlie and Roland smell funny (from the heavy drinking/puking done the night before). No more trying to be polite while on the verge of a murderous rage watching Roland burn holes in your sofa with his constant chainsmoking.

Like the time, he dropped a fat, cheap cigar on your beautiful brand new Kate Spade purse, wherein the cigar rolled down into the front pocket of the purse and caused the smoke alarm to go off after the entire fornt of the purse had been destroyed not to mention the matching Kate Spade wallet inside and…..oh, silly me. That’s just a scenario. Made-up, never happened to me….grrrrr. Or, how ’bout your homeless brother who now lives in a RV with his really old mean dog never having anywhere to go so like a complete patsy/idiot, you go and invite him and he won’t come unless he can bring his dog. And, you, be the wonderfully, kind-hearted person that you are (after all it is Christmas) agree to let the dog come ,too. Then, the dog, who hasn’t been groomed since it was around 6 months old and is really shaggy, does the Toby trick on your freshly shampooed area rug. What’s the Toby trick, you say. See below….

 

 

 

Not that this has ever happened to me……grrrrrr.  Of course not. My house is just like a Christmas movie on Christmas morning. Admittedly, it would be the Griswald’s Christmas movie. And, the squirrel thing did happen one year ‘cept it was a bat. Faithful blogging friends will remember that from last year.

Alright, back to the original intent. Following is a TBP public service for all you lonely guys. Here are Gabe & Max with some tips on hygiene and how to look Borat-sexy,not to mention smelling strong wonderful. After following their advice, you should have no problem picking up a nice lady, attractive girl somewhat desperate person to spend the holidays with. Pay attention, take notes, follow their advice!!!!!!

****************************************************************************************

A Public Service for all you lonley guys!

Dudes, the holiday season is here. This means parties, shopping in crowded malls, watching the local production of either the Nutcracker or Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer (depending on where you live. Our local theater does the latter) and other festivities involving mingling of the sexes.

Year after year, you’re out trolling for babes. You spend time hoping that Santa will deliver a Hooter’s girl or some other type of lucy-goosey funpal. Instead, you wake up on Christmas morning with a deflated blow-up Trixie…..

Too many of you have no luck and spend your holiday hangingout at your gramma and grampa’s (or sister’s) place scarfing down homemade goodies. Dec 26 comes along to find you alone and even worse, bloated from too many rum/peanut butter balls and gingerbread men.Trixie is deflated permanently this time (WTF did you do to her?).

So, sit down and let Gabe and Max help you become a somewhat (at least more than you are now) desirable man.

 

 

 

 

WARNING….LISTEN UP HERE. THIS IS IMPORTANT!!!!!

TO ALL YOU REDNECK COON HUNTERS, DEER HUNTERS, SQUIRREL HUNTERS,BOAR HUNTERS, SNAKE CATCHERS, OR ANY OTHER TYPE OF ANIMAL HUNTER.:

DEER URINE SCENT, RACOON ATTRACTOR SCENT, OR ANY OTHER ANIMAL-SCENTS-IN-A-BOTTLE FROM WALMART OR A SPORTING GOODS STORE CANNOT BE SUBSITUTED FOR SPLASH-ON COLOGNE OR BODY SPRAY!!!!!

IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE THAT, JUST GO AHEAD AND PAT A LITTLE DEER URINE BEHIND YOUR EARS. BUT, DON’T BE SURPRISED TO FIND YOURSELF FOLLOWED AROUND BY A COUPLE OF WINOS WHO HAVE BEEN LAYING IN THEIR OWN PISS OR BY DEPENDS WEARING GRANNIES.

Wishing you a lucky holiday season!!!!

Tags: Borat, deer urine, Depends wearing grannies, fauxhawk, freaky perverts, gabe & max hygiene tips, Griswalds, lonliness during the holidays, men's hair products, picking up babes, poontang, redneck, relationships, Sex, smelling good, the blow up doll, Toby wipes his butt, Trixie, unwelcomed guests

Crappy B-Day To Me….

Yesterday was my birthday. The only thing that saved it from being the crappiest birthday ever was logging on here for a sec (between pukes) and seeing the birthday wishes from y’all!!!! How sweet.

I know that little rascal, Vinyl Villager, tipped  everyone off and I think he’s a real sweetie-pie to do that.

TPSkipper had put a lot of effort into rounding up some friends and relatives for a surprise luncheon at Tamarack. All girls! The first girlie lunch/dinner/anything that I had in a long time. When I woke up not wanting to do anything but lay in the bed or in front of the commode, she went into The General mode and called  TPKen to give orders for calling up the guests and telling them not to come.

HUGE MISTAKE!  He tried to call TPMidge  one time to tell her to call some of the girls. One time. He didn’t reach her and he didn’t leave a message either.So, 4 of the women still showed up. And, 3 of them happened to have used their lunch hour from work to come. Not knowing what was going on, they waited for around 90 minutes. They tried calling TPSkipper and couldn’t reach her. They didn’t want to call me because they thought that it would ruin the surprise. So, bless their hearts, they waited as long as they could and then had to go back to work.

TPMidge, my youngest, was one of the ones who showed up. And, boy, was she PISSED at her dad. She came over after work to check on me. She came carrying flowers, a bday cake, and a TEMPER. She asked TPKen why he didn’t call her. It went like this”

TPM…”Dad, the least you could have done was call me so I could have called everyone else!”

TPK…”I did”.

TPM…”I never talked to you!”

TPK…”I got your answering machine.”

TPM (started to show a bit of that temper)….”Why didn’t you leave a message? It would have saved some people a lot of trouble!”

TPK….”I didn’t think you’d check your messages”.

TPM…”What number did you call?”

TPK…”304 222-XXXX)”.

TPM…”That’s my business number. You KNOW that I have to check those messages!(a side note: TPM is head of the media department for a local university and her phone is mega important in that job). WHY did’nt you leave a message??????”

TPK…”I dunno. Just didn’t”.

TPM…”Well, I’m soooooo angry with you. I deserve an apology right now!”

TPK, “I’m sorry”.

TPM…”For what?”

TPK…”Whatever you’re pissed off about”.

We’ve all heard of those incidences when mothers display enormous amounts of strength or impossible actions to protect their kids, right? Well, as soon as “whatever you’re pissed about” came out of his mouth, mother’s intuition took over.  For a minute, I didn’t even feel the throbbing of my head. I was too busy trying to protect my baby…..from going to jail. She was standing at the kitchen counter earnestly studying the skillets that I hadn’t put away. I could read her mind. “Which one would hurt the most upside his head?”

Stepping between the two of them, I mouthed to TPK , “APOLOGIZE! SAY YOU’RE SORRY!”

TPK…”I just did.”

Me…”mouthing to TPK”….”Like you MEAN it!”

TPK…”I’m reaaaally sorry”.

TPMidge…”Ok, I accept your apology”.

My best birthday present was that there was no maiming or murder on my birthday.

This post seems a tad bit substandard to me, but, I really don’t feel so great yet. I’ll get my steam back and see y’all later.

Tags: birthdays, Dec birthday

Biker 444….You Just Wait!….

Have I got a Christmas post for you and all my other homies (yep, trying to sound ubercool).

Listen, y’all….

I had Christmas dinner with Johnny Cash’s sister….. To be perfectly honest, I’m not sure if she was Hazel or Joanne. One of them has passed on to the Big Ring Of Fire. This one was still pretty much alive but, hey, celebrity status (no matter how small) flusters me.

We had dinner at the Black Bear Gayboree Jamboree.

I’m pooped tonight. So, consider this a teaser on what’s to come.

Hope y’all had a Merry Christmas!!!!!!

Tags: Johnny Cash, teaser, white trash christmas

Guess My Garbage

I intended to write a post about my crazy Chritmas. But, it needs lots of details and I’m pooped. I will tomorrow.

Got these in my email and thought that they were pretty funny.

 

 

 

I was fooling around with my new camera last night. I took pictures of stuff that was in my trash can. I keep trying to upload them so we can play, “I Spy….What’s in the Can?”

It’s 1:30 am now. I’m goig to try one more time. Let’s see who can identify the items in my garbage!

What’s In It?????

Tags: America, best friends, frisbee, I Spy, memory lost, whore

Somalia?????

TrailerParkKen has a hearing problem. But, TP Ken refuses to admit it and tries to infer that I am the one with a problem. Ya see, he claims that he can hear everyone but me. He says that I do not talk loudly enough. Tis not true. Everyone else can hear me. But, he can not hear everybody. This has become an inside joke in my family as they have problems with him hearing them, too.

With that being said, come back in time with me.

Time: Yesterday

Place: My kitchen

Characters: TPBarbie and TPKen

Earlier in the day, TPKen had been kind enough to take some time from work and drive to a store to pick up a gun-safe for TPG I Joe. (That name will have to suffice since my brain is not helping me out with a TP title).

It’s after supper and I am putting things away. TPKen is sitting  on his ass at the table watching (as usual).

“Hey”, I said, “Where did Joe put his gun-safe?”

“Somalia” came the reply.

“Somalia?” I asked in utter confusion.

“Yes! Somalia. He’s the president of Somalia!”..he answered in an irritated voice.

I than politely asked, “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? SOMALIA??????

TPKen looked at me like I had grown another head. A head covered in grizzly bear fur or something.( NOTE: I’ve got to post soon and tell y’all about my hair and how I screwed it up and took all day to fix it myself because I couldn’t get an appt anywhere Writing about grizzly bear fur reminded me).

Back to story at hand.

“That’s the president of Somalia on the news”, he said with much irritation.

“What did you think……oh never mind!” With this, I threw my hands in the air because I knew that it would be useless to tell him that I was asking about GI Joe’s gun-safe and not about the President of Somalia.

 

PREZ OF SOMALIA

GUN-SAFEI think that I’m gonna set up a hidden camera to tape some of these conversations. Maybe, that will get him to go to an ear doctor. I can see that one now, too.

“A-ha!!! I can prove that you need to have your hearing checked. I’ve got you on camera!”, I’ll say.

And, he’ll say……………….”Bulgaria!”

I think that I proved my point. He is having a hearing problem…….unless……him……unless

HE’S TRYING TO TRICK ME INTO THINKING THAT HE CAN’T HEAR!!!!!!

Which one do y’all think is the actual truth? Deaf or playing me as dumb?

Tags: deafness denial, gun safe, I'm always right, my husband is stupid, Somalia, trailerpark life, trickery

RL Redneck Wedding Update…The Saga Continues

This was originally written back in July. I am reposting it with the latest updates for all of the people (OK…1 person) who have inquired about “Lacie” aka Mrs. Drake. This is rather long so run to the bathroom and pee. Then, grab a cup of coffee/soda/beer/vodka, etc. and make yourself comfy.

I cross my fingers…hope to die….stick a needle in my eye…..the following story is true. Hard to believe but very, very true. Some of you will say…”Nah, no way. It’s impossible that anybody has a white trash person in there family with that much dumbness!” I assure you….it is.

I had to give it some thought before writing this post. I may appear heartless and better-than-you-are-nana nana-boo-boo (some of y’all will be familiar with that little taunt) but it’s the price I pay for my never ending drive to amuse and entertain thru blogging.

Besides, if I didn’t record the family’s history and events, who would? Do you actually think that my brother who lives in a car wash (yes, hon, this is true, too. See past post) would have the time or inclination to be the family historian. Alright already, I know what you are thinking. She’s justifying making fun of her relatives. And, I say….HELL YES, I AM! If I’ve got to have them in my family then the least compensation that I could receive is the right to use them as material for my blog.

Right before midnight last night, I got a call from my niece I will call Lacie. Lacie tends to forget that some of us get up before noon and go to bed at a reasonable hour in order to do so. Lacie has never had a job and sleeps until around two-ish everyday except on weekend when she sleeps in. Lacie is on a government disability check and is a proud card carrying lifetime member on the state welfare roll. She has 3 children, one of whom recently chose to go live with his dad. Lacie is a hypochondriac with a habit of going to the ER via ambulance on weekend nights. I wondered for a long time why then? I got my answer thru a few phone conversations in which she mentioned several different people by name.

“And, who is “fill-in blank”, Lacie”, I’d ask her.

“Oh, I met him/her at the ER and we became friends”, she would say.

So, apparently, there are a group of people who regularly go to the ER on Saturday nite…..kinda like a social gathering. I believe they have formed some kind of club. PWVERSWR….People who visit ER’s with regularity. Lacie has actually traded photos of her kids with some of the other club members. And, the best part of this club is that it is totally free to the members. Never mind, that we, the taxpayers, are paying out of our hiney for those ambulance rides. Oh crap, don’t get me started on this. Oh wait, you didn’t. I did. Enough about massive abuse of taxpayer money. That’s for another time.

I’m sure that you are thinking, “Why doesn’t she just get to the damn point!”

Patience, dear. Patience. Without some background history, you cannot begin to appreciate the conversation that Lacie and I had close to midnight on Saturday.

Lacie has many, many illnesses. Why, the dear girl even had something wrong with her prostate! I didn’t bother telling her that she doesn’t own a prostate. She is unable to walk very far. On this one, I did try to tell her that sleeping all day and eating a diet of fried foods, chips, and cakes might be a little bit of the cause. I encourage her to get up earlier, changer her diet a bit, and maybe, try taking a small walk every day. She countered that with the fact that she gets to use the Rascals at WalMart so it wasn’t a big problem.

Lacie’s first time at driving a Rascal was somewhat un-nerving. More for the WalMart workers than for her. She got behind the wheel (oh yeah, she doesn’t have a driver’s license and had never driven anything in her life except a Big Wheel) and proceeded to mow down an entire display of greeting cards. And, a clerk. She was indignant startled knocked out of the Rascal on her very large ass. She threatened to sue. I think the outbreak of laughter whenever she told this story may have stopped that.

Lacie is, also, to put it bluntly a really, really, really bad housekeeper. If I ever had to go to her house, I stayed standing looking out of the corners of my eyes for the very large roaches that have built their own roach motels in her house. And, then, there are the 15+ cats. Maybe, more. That house is so dirty and piled up with stuff, that even I, a serious card carrying hoarder, can not take it for longer than 5 minutes.

Now, you have some background info, so on to the call right before midnight.

“ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring” Oh, my phone was ringing right before midnight. Y’all know what goes thru your mind when you get a call right before midnight. A family member is hurt. A family member has been in an accident. A loved one has died. Your brother is in the hospital on suicide watch again. Your nephew is back in jail. That kind of stuff. So, with a trembling hand, I answered it expecting the worse.

“Hello”….I couldn’t keep the fear out of my voice.

And, I hear….laughter. WTH? A prankster? I’ll trace this call and…..

“Hey! It’s me….Lacie! Guess what!? You’ll never guess! Guess!!!!!” she said.

“I dunno. You wrecked another Rascal?” I really didn’t feel like playing this game.

“Uh, uh “giggles” uh “giggles” I’m “giggles” getting married!” she said giggling.

“Really? To whom? And, when?”….I was definitely not giggling.

“To i-can’t remember-his-name (me, I can’t remember his name. She can. I hope). We’re getting married this coming weekend. And, I want you to be in it!….she was wound up tight, I tell ya. “And, I want TrailerParkBarbie t sing in it!”…….Uh oh, TPB is not going to be very happy about this.

Me….”Well, you’ll have to ask her if you want her to sing. And, exactly what am I suppose to be in your wedding? I know, I’ll be your photographer!”……….Oh yes, thank you, Lord. This pictures could be priceless! And, the video on youtube! Maybe, CMT would be interested in Her Big Redneck Wedding!!!!

Lacie….”I’ve been trying to call her”. Didn’t have the heart to tell her that TPS has caller ID. She went on,”And I won’t have a phone after tomorrow. So, will you tell her?”

Me….”Why won’t you have a phone?”

Now, it gets good.

Lacie….”Mine has been cut off because I couldn’t pay my bill. And, this one belongs to “whathisname” and it’s going to be turned off on Monday”.

Me….”Why haven’t ya’ll paid your bills?” I already knew the answer to why she didn’t. She had her land phone turned off so many times and had to come up with deposits each time to turn it back on. The last time, she just didn’t even fool with it. The bill remained unpaid. The phone got turned off and she went and got a cellphone…..which apparently had fallen to the same neglect of payment. So, I wondered why “whathisname”’s phone was being turned off.

Here we go. A story of LOVE!

(which brings to mind this lovely poem by Nate Owens )

Lacie…”Because we were at WalMart and we were looking at rings and he bought one with his phone money!”

Lacie…”I said, ‘but, but, but, …what about your phone’? And he said, “I don’t need a phone. I need you. I need your love.” …..

“heartless snickering here” Can’t help it. I know what she looks like and how goofy she is. And, I also, know that she gets up in time to watch her stories (Soaps) and leans toward talking like the characters when she’s talking about her life.

Then, he got down on one knee right there at the jewelry counter and proposed…..again. I don’t know this guy. I’ve never seen him. But, here is what I do know. He is middle-aged, has no job, and has no problem sharing her home with her mess, roaches, and cats. In other words, he’s a loser. Let me add that he doesn’t mind sharing her gov checks either.

I’ll try to go a little faster. This is turning into a novel.

Lacie got all emotional (teary-eyed, jumping up and down, screaming) and fell over. Flat on the floor right there in front of the jewelry case at WalMart on a Saturday. In my mind, I can see a large number of people watching this unfold. I can, also, see the manager saying to himself, “Please, God, don’t let that be the woman who wrecked the Rascal laying there in my floor. PLEASE!”

Lacie said that she had a seizure. Now, it is true that she actually does have some type of a seizure on occasion. However, her claim that she has had seizures since she was a baby and her mom didn’t know it is very questionable.

So, Lacie and her beloved rode the ambulance home where she took some medicine and lay down on the six cats that were sleeping on the sofa and went to sleep for a while. Then, like any good white trash woman, she got up and went back to WalMart to finish her shopping. She informed me that she had found the perfect dress and shoes…..at WalMart. The dress cost $20 and I am just praying that it does not have Taz, Mickey, or Winnie the Pooh on the front because she has a real thing for that type of fashion. I forgot to ask her what the sandals cost but I’m pretty sure they are jelly sandals.

I proceeded to drill Lacie on details of her wedding.

Me…”So, where are you getting married and what time?”

Lacie…”I dunno. We still gotta figure that out.”

Me…”Who is performing the ceremony?”

Lacie…”Well, we have 2 preachers and need to pick one.”

Me…”Who are they?”

Lacie…”Uh uh uh….one is from a church down the street. I don’t know his name. The other one is one that I met at the ER.”

Me (trying to be helpful. Y’all stop laughing. I really was!) “Don’t you think that you need to talk to one of them a few days ahead of time and see if they’ll be available?”

Lacie…”giggle giggle” “Yeah, I guess we’re gonna have to figure that out, too.”

Now, it is almost one a.m. and I’ve had enough. I’m tired. I am not in good thinking mode and want to go to bed.

Me…”Well, did you tell your dad or your brother?”

Lacie…”Not yet. I’m gonna have to figure that out.”

Me…”Figure what out? All ya gotta do is call them.”

Lacie…”Yeah, but, uh, uh, I’m not gonna have a phone. So, I’m gonna have to figure that out.”

Me…”Well, congratulations. I really need to go to bed now. Let me know where and when.”

If this wedding takes place, I will do everything in my power to be there. Taking pics and video just so I can prove to y’all that this is true. And, besides, I’ve already got my wedding outfit picked out….a nifty sundress with Eyeore really big and right smack on the front.

Ain’t love grand.

Funny thing is, I found myself lying in bed later thinking about how much I’d like to be Lacie for a while. Do things by the seat of my pants. Not caring what other people thought about me. And, getting excited enough to go into a seizure. And….no more house cleaning!

UPDATE: 6/4/08 Lacie’s wedding has been postponed. So, all y’all who had planned on taking your vacation time to attend, please note the new date. July 4, 2008. Yee Haw….a real redneck wedding with fireworks!

Lacie just called and said that she was crossing the road and fell into a pot hole and sprained/broke her ankle. She was at the ER and had not been x-rayed yet. What is surprising to me is that she was walking across the road. Must have been giving away free tator chips or something on the other side of the road.

I’ve been on pins and needles waiting for the call to come with wedding details. But, when I finally got the call, it was to inform me that she had just gotten married!

DAMMIT!!!!!

Oh, sure, I’m happy for her, etc. etc. etc. But, I really wanted to attend and even better, take pics and movie. With one phone call, she wiped away all my dreams of being the next famous Youtube-er.

DAMMIT!!!!!

Instead, I was talking on the phone with the new Mrs. Lacie Drake.

Lacie Drake…..sounds like either a porn star or soap opera name. Actually, I rather like it. Presenting, for your entertainment…..Lacie Drake…..

She was plum giddy with joy. At least, I think she was but since she acts pretty silly most of the time, I can’t swear to it.

With out further rambling, here are the details that I have so far:

Lacie and Mr. Drake decided on July 1 to “just up and do it” on the 4th of July. She tried to call her dad. His phone was off the hook. She tried to call 2 uncles with no luck. She thought she had called me and let me know the details but she had not. Love makes you idle-brained (LOL that’s an inside joke to myself and I’m laughing at it). So, it was a small wedding.

Her two daughters and her son attended. One daughter sang a country song. Poor girl has never sang in public. She’s only 12. Sang with no music. Bless her heart! And, I’m not being sarcastic. I’ll bet her heart was full of music. After all, she was finally getting a daddy. I really hope that he will be good to those kids. They’ve had a hard life.

Now,everybody ready for the good parts?

Her son moved out of her house and in with his father about 8 months ago. This is not an ex-husband but a baby daddy. One of her baby daddy. Tom (name changed for protection of me) drove several hours from another state to bring his/her son to the wedding. That was very nice of him. He did something just as nice for her. I think he did it for her but could have had an ulterior motive, like making sure she got married which would most likely free him and his new wife from her harassment. He bought them some wedding rings. Little gold bands. I find this to be very thoughtful but a little weird. How many of us can say that our baby daddy bought wedding rings for us and our new husbands?

I’m not sure how this came about but she got married in the Church of the Nazarene (which is a very lovely church). And, he must have been a lovely pastor because instead of the traditional couple pays the pastor, this pastor paid them. Actually, he gave them money to go to Kroger’s or Wal-Mart and buy themselves a wedding cake. What a generous and kind thing to do!

Then, the son baby daddy offered to take the two girl’s (he’s not their baby daddy) for a few days to give Mr. and Mrs. Drake time alone (to make a porn movie? Lacie Drake just sounds like a porn name to me. But, secretly I want it. I want the name…..Lacie Drake. I want to get all decked out with a sexy dress and CMF pumps and enter a room. And announce…..Drake. Lacie Drake. That’s my name. Now, don’t wear it out. I thin that last part was from Pee-Wee’s playhouse. Of course, PeeWee is associated with porn, too.

Drunk with love, Lacie and Mr. Drake decided to hell with a cake. Instead, they used the money to go to a traveling carnival…..where they each got to ride the Octopus, the Scrambler, the Ferris Wheel, and the Haunted House!

Got married on the 4th of July. Got to watch fireworks on your wedding night.

Got to ride the Scrambler!!!

DAMMIT! I’m pissed!!!! I didn’t get to take pictures. And, secretly, I would love for my wedding to have been that cool (’cept the not having any money part).

CONGRATULATIONS MR AND MRS DRAKE (ALONG, OF COURSE, WITH YOUR KIDS AND MANY, MANY, MANY CATS!)

1-05-09

Hi y’all…..I’ve been slacking ’round here really bad. I’ve got tons of stuff to write about. My life might not be front page gossip-column material but sometimes, it is quite interesting.

I’ll write about my White Trash Christmas in the next post. But, right now, I just can’t resist updating y’all on The Life Of Mrs. Drake.

“Lacie” aka Mrs. Drake (I still think that sounds like a porn star/soap opera name) has been pretty much unreachable until this week. Her phone was disconnected (but, hey, she did get a ring!) and I had no way to call her. Sure, I could have gone over to her house. And, I would have if I didn’t mind sharing a seat with monster-size cockroaches and more cats than The Original Infamous Crazy Cat Lady. “Lacie” has soooo many cats that her tombstone should read…..

So, since it is winter and fresh air is a scarce commodity at the Drake household, try as I might, I just could not bring myself to go visit. I figured that I’d wait until late spring/early summer so that we might be able to sit outside. I’m not exaggerating. If only I were!

Over the weekend, I got a call from Lacie (no more quotation marks. Y’all get my drift by now). She seemed deleriously happy in her married life. Truthfully, though, she seems pretty delerious pretty much most of the time about pretty much everything.  As I have stated before, I envy her breaks with reality and the ability to live in her own Laciland. I wouldn’t mind being so clueless sometimes.

Once again, I’m getting off-subject. So, back to the Drake household. It would take a novella-size post to repeat the entire conversation so here is a Cliff-note style summation.

 Lacie left out one minor detail about her new husband. Actually, that’s not true. She left out several details about her beloved.

1. She is the fifth Mrs. Drake

2. Her dearest is a convict. When she first called (read the whole post) to announce her impending wedding, I asked her what he did for a living. She said that he did “odd jobs” aka “no job“. What I discovered in the latest conversation is that he does leave for work on a regular schedule and comes on at the same time every evening. I know those of y’all who have followed the “Lacie Saga” are just holding your breath waiting for me to tell you that I was wrong about him. Nope…not gonna do it. His “JOB” is reporting to an inmate work-release program. He got busted selling prescription drugs. And, this was before she married him.

3. Lacie still seems to believe that I desire to have conversations with her favorite cat/cats on the phone. I’m sure that everyone has bit there tongue a time or two when a friend or relative insists that you talk to little Johnny or Susie, their blabbering toddler. Try talking to someone who wants to put Stinky, the cat, on the phone. What the hell am I suppose to say to a cat….”Meow are you today? Did you by any chance see that article in Cat Fancy about……?”

4. Worse than being shoved into holding a telephone with a purring cat at the other end is being shoved into holding the phone while Mrs. Drake insist on putting Mr. Drake on the phone. What the hell am I suppose to say…..”So, how’s work-release going? Made any friends?”

5. This is sickly hilarious. It seems that Mrs. Drake #4 , also, happens to be on the same work-release program as Lacie’s man. This seems to be causing lots of problems as she (#4) has been trying to push #5 (Lacie) out of the picture so that she and Mr. Drake might reunite. Mr. Drake has gone so far as to complain and has requested to be transfered to a different WR program. His request is pending.

6. Lacie had a wonderful Christmas, for which I am seriously grateful. Honest, I really am. She received the following gifts from her spouse. (a) a Tiger tee (b) a stuffed cat (c) a Hello Kitty necklace (d) Fluffy cat couch throw . Is it just me or do y’all see a feline pattern here, too?

7. As I mentioned before, Lacie has 3 kids. Her son chose to go live with his biological dad about 1-2 years ago. Her daughters, age 12 and 13, presently reside with her. For Christmas (which was delayed until she got her welfare check the 1st of Jan), she got both girls a cellphone that you load with minutes. Each girl got 130 minutes when their phones were activated on Jan. 2. Today is Jan. 5. Both girls have used all of their minutes as of yesterday. I wonder if they are calling 911 a lot?

8. Lacie has been having visions of her mother who died 3 years ago. These only occur when she’s sleeping. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that they are called dreams. In the visions,  her mother is assuring her of the love of Mr. Drake, and, of his unquestionable faithfulness . Maybe, I’m too cynical, but I get the feeling that Mr. Drake is disguising his voice as a woman and talking in her ear when she is sleeping. Call me crazy but…..

9. And, finally, in the Saga of Mrs. Drake, there is one more thing.  This probably should be 8b and connected to the last paragraph but a #9 is more impressive and makes the post longer. Mr. Drake’s brother is trying to “put the moves”  (her words) on Lacie. Seems he thinks that she “has money” (her words, again).  I suppose if you are a broke-ass, lazy dude with no future, those welfare and SSI checks seem almost Trumpish.

10. I’m sure that I’ll remember more of the conversation after I post this. If that is the case, I’ll be back!

There you have it…..the latest chapter of the RL Redneck Wedding Saga of The Drakes. And, I still cross my fingers-hope to die-stick a needle in my eye swear that this is all true.

I do soooo love my family. Life is not boring ’round here!!!!!

 After I posted this last nite, I remembered a Lacie incident that made me laugh so hard that I thought I was gonna need surgery for a split sides.

When Lacie had her first child, a son, I went to the hospital to visit. Of course, I went bearing gifts for the newborn baby. I had bought several items and put them in a gift bag. As I’ve stated before, Lacie lives in Laciland in all her naiive glory. Upon taking each item from the bag, she would squeal an thank me profusely. Lacie is a grateful gift receiver. That is one quality that some of us should copy from her. After retreiving a bib, Lacie looked seriously baffled. I questioned her silence and  the perplexed facial expressions.

“Lacie”, I said. “What’s the matter? Don’t you like that bib?”

And, just as serious as possible, she replied, “Yes, I do. But, it says on it to keep away from children. How am I suppose to use it on my baby?”

I reached out and she handed me the bib. Sure enough, on the plastic covering was written, “Keep away from children. Dangers of suffocation”.  I said, “Don’t worry, Lacie. I’ll fix that!” whereupon, I removed the plastic covering. With a big smile, she said, “THANKS!”

Tags: carnival rides, cat lover, clueless, creating your own reality, ex-wife schemes, fireworks, Hello Kitty, hillbilly love, married to a convict, One Hot Mess, redneck love, redneck wedding, Sex, SSI check, stinky cat, the bride wore Disney, Tigger wardrobe, true stories of redneck life, Wal-Mart, welfare check, white trash life update, white trash wedding, work release

The Gripes of Wrath…..

 

The Church of The Dali Mama delcares this day to be “Official Biotch and Coan Day”.

A little info for newbies…..I am THE DALI MAMA. I became D-Mama after a vision of a powerful witch (Ann Coulter) came to me. Read about it here……Ann Coulter Prolaims Me The Dali Mama. 

All members and prospective members are encouraged to post comments on what’s pissing you off lately or who/what have you found to be absurd/unfair/stupid.

Of course, The D-Mama will start.

1. I have been getting an increasing amount of ads for male enhancement products. I guess that’s what I get for writing the post on Stamina Pillows. Probably due to pingbacks (in this case should be called “dingbacks“). No matter how many I mark as SPAM, the amount seems to grow bigger(just like Bob! ) everyday. In the last two days, I have received emails from Betty, Barbara, and Betsy. All “B” names. Makes me think that Levitra Bob is trying to be incognito but can’t get away from the letter “B”. Today, Betsy sent me an email with the title, “Make Your Dreams Come True With Viagra Pro“. I didn’t open the link that Bob/Betsy sent but I was wondering when a man would go from regular Viagra to Viagra Pro. Is it when he turns professional and enters the Mr. World Stiff Member contest. Or, maybe, the Mr. Teeney But Stiff Weenie Competition? What’s next….Viagra Concrete? Hey, that wouldn’t be a bad idea, ya know. A concrete member would be handy-dandy for ball players. No need to carry a bat or balls. He’d have everything needed for a few friendly innings with his buds at the office picnic.

2. Here’s how rumors get started. TrailerParkKen, being the owner of his own business, spends  a large chunk of time on the internet at work.  He reads some national news sites, some local news sites, a local forum, among other things. Saturday he came home and said,

“Did you know that Loren Greene and Greta Van Sustern of Fox News were both Miss Americas?”

Fortunately, I had already seen the real story on the news. So, I said, “No, that’s not true. Greta was not Miss America. Gretchen Carlson on Fox and Friends was Miss. America. Gretchen and Loren Greene (msp?)”.

Here’s Greta……                          Here’s Gretchen……

Later that evening, I was talking to TPMidge on the phone. Just chitchatting about this and that when she said, “Hey, did you know that

Gretchen Wilson (Redneck Woman) was Miss. America?” I said, “Who told you that?”

She said, “Dad did. He read it on the internet.”

Without missing a beat, I answered, “No, she was not. It was…….” That’s when I got an idea to see just how mixed up I could make them. I said, “He got the it wrong. It is actually Gretchen Frasier, a key member of Greater Boston Parents, Families & Friends of Lesbians and Gays.”     I’m not meaning anything negative toward Ms. Frazier or the GBPFLAG. I’m just curious to see what Gretchen will be proclaimed to be Miss America the next time that I hear it.

3. Has this happened to you lately? Have you gone into WalMart or another store and spotted a sign that says 75% off of things that you want to buy? Then, you get up to the checkout and the item scans at regular price?

Weirdly enough, this has happened to be about 90% of the time that I have been shopping lately, especially at WalMart. It happened again at CVS on Friday. This is so common lately, that I have been pulling the 75% off sign from beneath the items and taking it to the checkout with me. Then, the clerk gets bent out of shape and calls the dept manager who in turns calls the assitant manager, who ends up either calling the store manager or just tells me that “It’s a mistake. Somebody has just set that down in the wrong place.”

“Reaaalllly. Then how come there are at least 2 dozen of the items with the sign below them.”

I find this to be sooooo misleading and dishonest. Since I am still (for the most part) in possession of my faculties such as hearing and seeing, I am able to spot these errors and demand a refund, I don’t get taken for the price bait ripoff scam. But, it really pisses me off knowing that there are elderly people on fixed incomes who who do not think to check their receipt to see if they have gotten the right price. WalMart has been exceptionally bad for displaying the wrong prices in the last month or so. Be sure and take notice when your items are being scanned there.

4. Why do people continue to knock and knock at your door when it is obvious that you are not/cannot answer it? Recently, TPKen hired some guys to do some cleaning up of dead branches and stuff around our house. I saw one of the guys that morning. Later on, I decided that I just had to do something about my winter-drab hair. I’m one of those do-it-yourself hair colorers. I’ve been doing it since I was in my teens. On this day, I decided that I would dye my hair light brown all over and then stick a few cool-shaded blondes highlights here and there. I got the brown dye part done and was in the process of highlighting when I heard a knock at the door. Now, my hair processes pretty fast which means that I need to put the highlights on as quickly as possible. No lollygagging around between strokes if ya know what I mean.  I decided to ignore the knocking and continued putting the highlights on my hair. But, then….

KNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCK….and since it was so loud and persistent, I figured that I had better go see who it was. Just as I thought, it was the “branch” guy but he was walking away as if he had given up. I hurried back to the bathroom to finish. Just as I was putting the second strand of highlights in the back….

KNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCK

I knew that I would be taking a chance of overbleaching the hair that I had started the highlights on, so I tried to ignore the knocking.

But, he wouldn’t quit. He started pounding on the door. I thought something might be wrong and quickly set down the applicator and went to peer out the window. He was walking away again. I watched as he went out and sat down in the lawn swing. Figuring nothing was really wrong, I went back to my task.

Uh oh….the strands on top were already getting really dry and I still needed to finish the back and sides. I raced to get back and sides strands covered. I had almost finished when….( swear I could have killed.)…he started knocking again. I knew that I was already in trouble with having the top of my hair covered in dry strands and the back still dripping with dye. So, I hollered at the top of my lungs,

” I CANNOT COME TO THE DOOR RIGHT NOW!”

….but he kept knocking!  And, I was getting really, really pissed. But, then, I started thinking that if something bad had happened to him and I didn’t go see, I would not be able to forgive myself. I ran to the kitchen window with pictures of me being bald in my head. I flung open the window and yelled, “What do you want? I’m doing something that I just can’t keep stopping right in the middle!”

On my front porch was his boss who looked at me with a startled face.

He said, ” I was just wondering if you need an invoice for this work?” Since, he has asked for payment in advance and had already been paid, I just shook my head and slammed the window shut.

I raced back to the bathroom and was not happy to see that my hair had processed at a different speed in different sections. I wasn’t surprised but I was certainly not pleased. I washed all the stuff out and sure enough, it was a mess. I looked like a mutated candy cane with different shades of red all over my head. Intertwined with the red stripes were stripes of almost white. It was horrible. I should have taken a picture but that was the last thing on my mind. I had used a brand of hair dye that I had not used before and it had not worked out with the highlights of a different brand. I looked something like this….. Except, I did not have a red/white striped bow. That was how my actual hair looked.

I spent the rest of the day and most of the next trying to correct my hair. It took 3 more boxes of hair dye before I felt that I could safely go out in public without scaring children or attracting men with a Raggedy Ann/Barber pole fetish. I’m just really thankful to God that I did not end up bald.

I’ve got plenty more gripes but this has taken longer than I expected.

Now, it’s your turn. What’s your gripe?

Tags: Ann Coulter, bait and swithc, complaining, Dali Mama, Greta Van Sustern, Gretchen Carlson, Gretchen Wilson, gripes, male-enhancement items, Miss America, rumors, schemes, spam, the grapes of gripe, Wal-Mart

Stamina Pillows????? Please No More Male Enhancement Items!

Why do men need soooo many products to keep up in the sack? Geez….Viagra, Cialis, Levitra, penile implants, sex therapists, and who knows what else.  The most proven means for prolonged any erection for a redneck  guy is to have his gal do this to her hand…..

                                        (what were you dirty minds thinking? haha) Of course the #2 method would be for his partner to make sure she has her teeth in…or not  “wink wink”

I was watching one of my fav shows, Redeye, on Fox the other night. I love that show because I have the humor capacity of a 12 yr old boy. Check it out, checkerouters…….RedEye.

Greg and his crew were talking about the newest product for limp wieners…..The Stamina Pillow.

“Hilarious new work from DDB New Zealand! Durex Performa condoms contain benzocaine (a mild anaesthetic), which helps men last longer in bed. To highlight this product benefit they distributed limited edition pillowcases alongside “

Benzocaine to numb your willy and a pillow with a really ugly woman. I’ll leave the benzocaine comments up to the guys that read this and will be nice enough to comment. Personally, I just can’t imagine a guy wanting to have a numb Mr. Peepers. I guess that could explain why my dentist looks like he always “happy to see me”.

The pillows……

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!!!!!! IT’S OUR TURN!!!!!!

I’m in the process for something for us, girls. How ‘about some masks for our hubby/boyfriend? I’m thinkin’ something that would look like this…..

                                                                            

 

 ……the possibilities are endless! No more counting the ceiling tiles while you wait for the benzocaine to wear off of Romeo’s rod!

I’m getting quite tired of all the male-enhancement commercials……. (ex. Bob  Bob looks creepy. Bob looks like he might drive a Good Humor ice cream truck and ring the bell a hellova lot.

 Bob is a grinning, idiot in line for a heart attack or big-ass whooping from an “unenhanced” husband.

 I want to stab Bob in the throat.

Whaddya say, ladies? Had enough? Let’s fight back.  Let’s put our heads together and come up with something for us.

That’s my opinion! All others are welcome.

Tags: battle of the sexes, Bob, cialis, female enhancements, limp weiners, male enhancement, numbed penis, penile implants, Red Eye, redneck sex, Sex, Smiling Bob, stamina pillows, veitra, viagra, Viva Viagra

Let’s Play “What’s In My Inbox”?

• My post yesterday was about the bombardment of male enhancement products flooding the market today. 

See Stamina Pillows/Male Enhancement  from yesterday.

 

 

I’m wondering how DO we get on these lists? Today, in my email, I got this:

 

 

Leivtra and Propecia for real Men- get it here.‏  I wasn’t going to post the link but, just in case any of you are limp AND bald, I thought I’d hook ya up. If Mr. Peepers won’t stand up and your head is cold due to the cold  winter weather, I’ll do my part since you are taking the time to read my blog.

Disclaimer: TrailerParkBarbie is in no way connected to any person/group/company who manufactures/sells/promises products that will cure droopy d*ck or hairless heads. Nor, am I endorsing such products.  No money or free products are received by me, Trailerparkbarbie. The only “payment” that I receive is the email itself which provides me with much snickering and material for this blog.

I just thought of a real story about some real people that exist in real life. Pammy* and Tommy* (names changed to protect the stupid) have been married for 15 years. Tommy had begun to lose hair before they married. Every year, Tommy’s once thick black mane was becoming thinner and thinner. Being in a sales job that required him to look his very best, Tommy had begun to fret about the patches of very thin hair that were getting larger and larger. BUT, it was an unwritten NO-NO to any way mention Tommy’s locks or lack of.

One week, Tommy left for a short sales trip about 50 miles away. When he left that morning, he looked something like this……

 When Tommy returned home that evening, he looked something like this……

I’m pretty sure that everyone (unless they were blind) in Tommy’s life could easily see a big difference. But, here is the kicker……

Tommy comes homes with a full head of hair and his wife never mentions it. Well, not to him anyway. Pammy was more than ready to tell us about all the new products lining Tommy’s side of the bathroom shelf now. And, we were all sworn to secrecy. We had to promise not to say one single word about Tommy’s new mop.

Even though, this was weird to us, we kept our promise and never said a word about the sudden visit from the Hair Fairy.

Once a month or so, Tommy would go out of town on a sales call and hair maintenace trip. Since he could easily disguise his hair trip by having to make a legitmate business trip, it worked out for him. UNTIL, he got fired from his job. Since he no longer has the excuse of sales trips, Tommy just disappears for one day a month. He comes back with his luxurious locks shiny and styled.

WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS FOOLING?

I got one email that I was really happy to receive this morning. It was from a blogger whose blog I really enjoy. I came across it while surfing  BlogExplosion. I had run through several blogs when this one caught my eye. It is soooo funny. The graphics are outstanding. I wish that I could do half of what  MadHaiku does. If you want a funny, entertaining break from whatever you are doing right now, go read Moby Dick In Haiku.  And, the MadHaiku Guy let me add him to my blogroll. Thanks MHG!!!!

I got this message from my brother-in-law:

  ::: BREAKING NEWS :::  

In 2009 the government will start
deporting all the mentally ill people.

I starte d crying when I thought of you.

Run my little crazy friend, RUN!

It’s sooooo cold here. It’s about 8 degrees at the moment. Birds are flying so low that I can see the assicles hanging from them. I’m trying to pump myself up enough to gather blankets to stick in the dog house. We got this dog last January and he was a pup. My husband (who claims to not like animals but is lying) went to the store and bought a huge heating pad…..about 24 inches by 12 inches. It was electric so he attached it to the floor of the doghouse and put some Berber carpet over it. He ran an extension cord to an outside outlet and ran the heating pad 24/7. The dog was being kept very cozy. One day when he (the dog not my husband) was apparently bored, he managed to chew up the carpet and  totally destroyed the heating pad.Being that the cord was very well covered and hidden, we still don’t know how he managed to do that.

Got this from one of my friends who calls me “anti-social” because I won’t sign up for a Facebook account….

Somehow or other, I managed to end up on Goodwill Stores’ newsletter. Now, along with the many messages from Belk, Target, Amazon, Overstock.com, etc., I get this……..Shop Goodwill. I could almost swear that some of those items are stuff from my house that I donated to my local Goodwill. This message was attached…..

SPOTLIGHT: Love and Romance

 

“Love is a many-splendored thing. What better time than now to plan that special romantic surprise for the love of your life? For a truly memorable event, shopgoodwill.com can help you find dozens of unique gift ideas, lamps and candles for mood lighting, soft romantic music CDs, a telescope for watching the stars late at night and even a little black dress. Can you see it now? Well then, what are you waiting for? Get started planning at shopgoodwill.com.”

Oooo-weeeee!  I don’t know ’bout y’all, but nothing says “I’m Crazy About You!”  more than a  sweat-stained, second hand dress boxed up with some slightly burned candles. Now, that’ll put ya right in the mood for romance  homicide. 

 

Also, recieved the usual “You Have Been Chosen/Help/UK Lottery Winner” crap. Just 2 this morning, though.

 

So, that’s it. I’m sure the day will bring more interesting articles, pictures, and ads.

What did you get in your inbox today? Something unusual or funny? Share it!!!!

 

PS….My formatting on this post sucks. I’m not sure what I’ve done to mess it up…..no paragrah breaks,etc. I’ve tried editing it 4 times with no luck. Any ideas what I’m doing wrong?

Tags: asshicles, baldness cures, email overload, facebook, Goodwill, MadHaiku, normal day, penis enhancements, romance, scams

OooooWeiiiii….It’s Colder Than

It’s colder than a witch’s tit here. Or, maybe, I should write “teat” since that’s the correct original saying.

It’s cold enough to freeze the balls off of a pool table.

It’s colder than a well-digger’s ass.

It’s colder than a whore’s heart.

It’s colder than a bucket full of penguin shit.

You get the idea. Even most of the critters here in the boogerwoods are not stirring. And, the ones that are have asscicles hanging from their behinds.

 I’m staying put in my house today. I ventured out yesterday when the temperature was hovering around 10 degrees. It was freezing-ass painful. I’m usually OK once I get in my warm car on days like this. But, I’ve got a small problem right now. I bought a new car (Acura SUV…with much protest from hubby because it’s not American. In reality, it’s as American as his big gas guzzling Chevy Tahoe…long story. Whole-post worthy) and all the gadgets and knobs are different from my Jeep. I have trouble figuring out where the defroster/heater/windshield wiper buttons are located. I’d find myself in desperate need of the defrost but would switch on the headlights instead. I am bad to procrastinate reading instructions books and the like until absolutely necessary. Today, I have decided that I must make myself read the manual that came with the car.

 I got an Ipod from TrailerParkSkipper for my birthday. I know that you are saying to yourself, “What? She’s just now getting an Ipod!?”.  Yep, it’s true. This is my first Ipod….only because I procrastinated on buying one. So, I’m going to spend part of the day reading the instructions and trying to download tunes from ITunes. I have a $50 gift card from ITunes. If I don’t get with it, Ipods are going to be obsolete.

Part of the day is going to be devoted to reading the instruction book to my Canon Rebel camera that I got for Christmas. I have already taken about 100 pics with it. The problem, though, is that I took them all with the telephoto lens (that I bought extra) and all my pics are zoomed in on a subject’s  one eyeball or the like. I can’t tell what most of the pictures are because whatever the object, I zoomed in so close that it’s like a guessing game.

In other news, I am GOING TO HAWAII!!! Yessiree! I’ve wanted to go there for a long, long time. However, TrailerParkKen is not one for taking many vacations.  His idea of a getaway is to pack, drive several hundred miles in record time, stay overnight, and drive back (breaking the record again). I have finally had enough of this. In the last couple of years, I made plans to go to different places with one of my darlin’ daughters and wait until right before leaving to inform TPK. This way, I didn’t risk the chance of him deciding to go and turn the trip into a break-another-miles/time-record event. This has been working out pretty well. At Christmas, TPSkipper, her family, TPK, and myself went to the Smoky Mountains for five days. TPKen knew nothing of the plans until a month before the scheduled vacation. When I figured that he had enough time to get ready to go without changing all of our plans, I informed him that we was going to the Smokeys and he was welcome if he wanted to join us. This worked out great. He went along with the plans that we had made.

(BTW…TPSkipper finally emailed me the pics of Johnny Cash’s sister and me at the dinner show. I will do a post soon and show them to ya. I promise you that it is one of the funniest things that I’ve ever written about.)

Back to Hawaii! TrailerParkMidge called me up last nite and asked if TPK and me wanted to go to Hawaii with her and her hubby in February. I’ve been wanting to go there for sooooo long that I didn’t hesitate and said “YES!”. She thought that, maybe, I should ask TPKen which I did. He started hemhawing around and saying that it wasn’t enough notice. So, I told him that I AM GOING. You can come along if you want to. Once that he saw I was serious, he made the decision to go. On one condition. He said that I had to do a written budget first. He’s been after me to do one for the last six months. It’s not that it’s hard to do. It’s just that we have been thru this on more occasions that I can count. I work up and write an easily understood budget. Then he doesn’t even bother to look at it until it’s no longer current. Or,he just completely ignores it and spends as much money as he wants on whatever he wants. So, I think that a monthly written budget is just wasting my time. I told him that I was going whether he saw a budget or not. That is that!

Crap! I’m embarrassed  honest enough to admit that I have forgotten what I was originally going to post about. I think, maybe, it was about the way my brain works or something like that. I have a very, very busy brain. There are always a menagerie of thoughts swirling in my head. It’s kinda like a radio with different channels coming thru. I’ve learn to tune into one station (for the most part) and let the other stations be background noise. I use to think that everyone’s brain worked this way and was stunned to find out that the majority of people can concentrate on one thing at a time if they want to. It has only been in the last couple of years that I have gotten the balls to actually ask people about the way/things they think about. TrailerParkKen is extremely skillful at this. I think that is why he is an engineer. I suppose most people can be grouped into single-thought or multi-thought people. But, honestly, it never occurred to me that anybody could focus on just one thing without interference from other intruding thoughts.  I’d sure like to have some comments on this. If you don’t mind, take a few minutes, and comment.

Well….since I can’t remember what I was going to write about, maybe, I should find something to post.

How ’bout this? I just got it in my email. Some of you may have already seen it. This goes to show that you really should check your kid’s homework.

This is exceptionally funny to me. When TPSkipper was around 3 or 4 yrs old, there was a little boy who lived across the road  who was the same age. He did not pronounce a lot of words correctly. He said “hores” instead of “yours”. I can remember him telling me lots of times that he wanted to go “to hores house”. He was actually referring to my house. Hmmm….I’m wondering if he was really mispronouncing it?  Or, was he just being an insulting little turd?

He, also, would say “puss” instead of “push”. I can remember shopping with him and his mother and hearing this, “Puss me, Mommy!”. He would be sitting in the shopping cart and shouting that at the top of his lungs. Actually, it came out sounding like……”Pussymommy!” now that I think about it.

Here’s one more funny little story that I remember about him. When he was around 11 yrs old, we (his mom, TPK, him, and me) were going somewhere. His mom stopped to put gas in her car. “J” wanted to prove he was a big boy and begged to be allowed to pump the gas. His mom told him that he could and she told him to pump $20.00 worth. After a few minutes, I happened to look out the window only to see gasoline pouring in streams down the side of her car. “J! What are you doing?”….his mom was somewhat pissed. “Why didn’t you stop the pump when the tank was full?”

He replied, “Because you told me to pump twenty dollars worth and I’m only at $19.00 now.!”

This story bring to mind one about my sister-in-law, too. She drove off with the gas pump still in her gas tank! For real!!!!

“edited”….well, it’s 2:30pm and I haven’t done any of the things listed above.

Boy, I’ve totally shot this day. But, at least, I’ve kept warm.

 Today is National Nothing Day! Go celebrate. I’m going to celebrate inside (where it’s nice and warm) by doing NOTHING!

Tags: funny neighbor boy, homework, hores, mispronounciations by kids

So, what did you think?

I’ve been swamped  lazy indifferent kinda busy lately and haven’t had time to post. I’ve been making notes for posts but unfortunately, I lost them just like I do anything else that I write down on paper.  I’ll catch up sooner or later…..maybe.

Today, I just want to know what everyone thought about the hat that Aretha Franklin wore at the inauguration. In case you live in a cave or have been held captive by a sex-crazed deranged stalker, here is THE HAT…..

 

My first impression was that it was a cross between Betty Boopish and a rhinestone covered pre-Civil War mammy do-rag.  I kind of thought that she might sing “R-E-S-P-E-C-T BOOP POOP A DOOP. (or whatever those profound lyrics by Ms. Boop are).

Now, don’t go calling me racist because I am not. And, I’m not one of those people who feel paranoid and have to list all the reasons that I am not racist (including names of black friends).  That is just the impression that I got of the hat.

After looking at it since, I actually like the hat. It could have been a tad smaller but it took balls to wear that hat. And, honey, Aretha has balls.

Admittedly, I am not one to be in position to judge head-wear. The last time that I bought and wore a hat, TrailerParkKen told me that I looked like a 1960′s scruffy Bob Dylan.

 

 

I love seeing other people in hats, though. Some people just have great hat-heads but I’m not one of them.

 

 

For I’m playing fashion critic, I didn’t like Michelle Obama’s outfit either. It looked like couch upholstry.

So, whaddya y’all think?

I got this in my email from a friend……

 

I replied with, “I certainly hope so!”

Tags: Aretha Franklin, Aretha's hat, Betty Boop, Bob Dylan, Obama inauguratoin, redneck fashion critic

If You Don’t Forward This….Uh Oh!

I receive at least a half of a dozen emails everyday that demand that I forward them to at least 7 people or…

1. I’m embarrassed to admit that I believe in God
2. Something terrible is going to happen at 3:02 am.
3. I’m going to have bad luck for the rest of the week

or…..

Y’ll know what I’m talking about. These emails annoy me worse than the male-enhancement, fake lottery, or find your true soulmate emails.

Today, I got a different type and I enjoyed it so much that I am passing it on to all of y’all……

WHAT AN INCREDIBLE STORY!!!!!!!

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed,so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly,turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn’t the same elephant.

This is for everyone who sends me those heart-warming bullshit stories.

So, there ya go. Copy this and send it to those people who flood your inbox with all those made-up stories of people in dire need of prayer, chain-mails that have horrible consequences if you break them, religious emails that if you don’t forward, you are a terrible person, etc.

Tags: elephant squashes man, email chain letters, email junk, heart warming stories, spam, you don't love God if....

Is This The Best Day Ever or What?????

Obama  “Way-to-go- Joe”  Biden is going to swear in our brand new treasury secretary!!!!

Yep, Timothy Geithner got the nod.

Check it out, boys and girls! No more taxes for  small businesses! Yessirree! Because, surely, if golden- boy Obama is putting the US Prez stamp of approval on a high profile tax cheater, then we can cheat, too!!! Right???!!!!!!

Whaaat? I still have to be honest and pay my taxes? Surely, you jest! Does that seem fair? And, afterall, Mr. B.H.O. is all about being fair to evreryone.

Isn’t he?

The fun has just begun, friends.  Now, I know how it feels to proclaim…”I didn’t vote for him!”………

Tags: Geithner, Geithner approved, it's scary out there, Joe Biden, tax cheat, treasury secretary

Check Your Child’s Homework #2 and A Joke Or Two

Some of you may have already seen this. If so, laugh at it again. One cannot laugh too often or too much (unless it’s in church during prayer).

(Here’s the reply the teacher received the following day)  
 
Dear Mrs. Jones,
I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer.  
I work at Home Depot and I told my daughter how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit.  I told her we sold out every single shovel we had, and then I found one more in the back room, and that several people were fighting over who would get it.    Her picture doesn’t show me dancing around a pole.  It’s supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot.
From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in.
Sincerely,
Mrs.  Smith  

On the flip side of the coin……..

I got these jokes in my email from my niece. I always open her emails because they are usually very funny. She works for one of the largest financial groups in the country. I won’t mention their name but they are the recipients of a huge financial bailout. My niece forwards me lots and lots of emails and I can see from the previous addresses that the stuff is sent very frequently from worker to worker. I’m not sure if this says that the company has no work for them to do or if the company has lots of work to do but the employees would rather spend the day sending funny emails to each other and their friends and family. But…hey….at least I’m getting something for my tax dollars.

 

WOMAN’S YEARLY EXAM
I went to the doctor for my yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basics.
How much do you weigh?’ she asks.
’135,’ I say.
The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180.
The nurse asks, ‘Your height?’ ’5 foot 4,’ I say.
The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5’2′.
She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.
‘Of course it’s high!’ I scream,
‘When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I’m short and
fat!’
She put me on Prozac.Also, got this in my email. I’ve seen it before and you probably have, too. But, it is worth reading again.

MOM (Mean Old Mother)

Poem to MOM

My son came home from school one day,

With a smirk upon his face.

He decided he was smart enough,

To put me in my place.

‘Guess what I learned in Civics Two,

that’s at taught by Mr. Wright?

It’s all about the laws today,

The ‘Children’s Bill of Rights.’

It says I need not clean my room,

Don’t have to cut my hair

No one can tell me what to think,

Or speak, or what to wear.

I have freedom from religion,

And regardless what  you say,

I don’t have to bow my head,

And I sure don’t have to pray.

I can wear earrings if I want,

And pierce my tongue & nose.

I can read & watch just what I like,

Get tattoos from head to toe.

And if you ever spank me,

I’ll charge you with a crime.

I’ll back up all my charges,

With the marks on my behind.

Don’t you ever touch me,

My body’s only for my use,

Not for your hugs and kisses,

that’s just more child abuse.

Don’t preach about your morals,

Like your Mama did to you.

That’s nothing more than mind control,

And it’s illegal too!

Mom, I have these children’s rights,

So you can’t influence me,

Or I’ll call Children’s Services Division,

Better known as C.S.D.’

Mom’s Reply and Thoughts

Of course my first instinct was

To toss him out the door.

But the chance to teach him a lesson

Made me  think a little more.

I mulled it over carefully,

I couldn’t let this go .

A smile crept upon my face,

he’s messing with a pro.

Next day I took him shopping

At the local Goodwill Store..

I told him, ‘Pick out all you want,

there’s shirts & pants galore.

I’ve called and checked with C.S.D .

Who said they didn’t care

If I bought you K-Mart shoes

Instead of those Nike Airs.

I’ve canceled that appointment

To take your driver’s test.

The C.S.D. Is unconcerned

So I’ll decide what’s best. ‘

I said ‘No time to stop and eat,

Or pick up stuff to munch.

And tomorrow you can start to learn

To make your own sack lunch.

Just save the raging appetite,

And wait till dinner time.

We’re having liver a n d onions,

A favorite dish of mine.’

He asked ‘Can I please rent a movie,

To watch on my VCR?’

‘Sorry, but I sold your TV,

For new tires on my car.

I also rented out your room,

You’ll take the couch instead.

The C.S.D. requires Just a roof over your head.

Your clothing won’t be trendy now,

I’ll choose what we eat.

That allowance that you used to get,

Will buy me something neat.

I’m selling off your jet ski,

Dirt-bike & roller blades.

Check out the ‘Parents Bill of Rights’,

It’s in effect today!

Hey, hot shot, are you crying?

Why are you on your knees?

Are you asking God to help you out,

Instead of C.S.D.?’

I’ve got lots to do today. So, I am relunctly leaving this blog to go tackle some laundry.

What a bitch!!!!

 

The Black Bra

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.  One is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.  We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.  Here’s how it all went.

My engaged friend:  The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.  He saw me and said, ‘You are the woman of my dreams.  I love you.’  Then we made love all night long.

The mistress:  Me too!  The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat.  When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:

When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.  As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, ‘What’s for dinner, Batman?’

Tags: Batman joke, black bra joke, doctor joke, doctor's visit, homework, Prozac, spanking, strippers

Remembering My Mom….

Of all the people in my life, my Mom was the only one that remains completely without fault in my mind. I’m sure that she wasn’t perfect. Who is? But, she was a wonderful mother who taught me to laugh at just about anything and everything if life. For this, I am eternally grateful. My Mom has been dead for 20 years now. Some days, it seems like I just saw her yesterday. Other days, it seems like I’ve been all my life without her.

I don’t what what triggered this memory. It’s a silly one of a brief moment…..one that you never expect at the time that you would emember  for  20+ years. It makes me wonder just what silly little thing will TrailerParkSkipper and TrailerParkMidge remember about me.

We had been shopping in a local discount store. My Mom was looking for a lamp shade that day.  She had spotted one or two that she liked but wanted to shop at some other places before she bought one.

It was almost time for TPSkipper to come home from school so I hurried Mom to the checkout to pay for the few things that she had decided to buy. That’s when I spotted a book on one of the checkout counters. I read the title….”Poop Boy and A Long Way From Home”. I pointed it out to my Mom and commented on the crazy title. She burst into laughter and I, for the life of me, could not figure out what was so darn funny. Then, she reached over and move the book just an inch or two, showing me that I had misread the title.

It was actually “Poor Boy and A Long Way From Home“.

Years later, I told this story to my daughters. Just like me and my mother before me, they have a silly sense of humor. Poop Boy became a tag for reading mistakes. Whenever TPSkipper reads something wrong (or I do), I look at her and say, “Poop Boy!” and we both crack up.

That was the last shopping trip that I ever got to take with my Mom. She died shortly after from cancer. When I think of Poop Boy, I can still hear her laughing. I miss that ol’ girl. She was the funnest person ever!

Yep….that’s the stuff of which memories are made. I wonder what my daughters will remember about me?

Tags: family, memories, misreading words, my Mom, poop boy, poor boy

8 Babies…WTF Is Wrong With This Woman?

I edited the title of this post today. After finding out more about this crazy woman, I decided that she didn’t qualify for the title, “That Poor Woman”.

(01-27) 04:00 PST Bellflower, Los Angeles C” “ounty –

A woman gave birth Monday to eight babies in a span of five minutes, only the second time in history live octuplets have been born, doctors said. Read rest here.

Now, anybody  who has read my blog for very long knows one thing……I take great care of my poontang. I’ve written enough posts about it!   I know that she had 46 doctors and had a C-section. But, daayammmm…..that is giving me sharp pains in my nether region just thinking about it! I feel like grabbing my coochie and crying’.

I was searching the internet for a pregnant belly to post here and came across this belly. Last fall, TPSkipper and I were competing to see who could get the most free stuff on the internet. I came across a site (don’t ask me how I got there) that was having a contest for the best decorated Fall/Halloween themed pregnant belly. I “borrowed” this picture and entered the contest. “My belly” did not win! Next time, I’ll find a bigger one!

 

 

Update:

Spokeswoman Says Nadya Suleman Has Named All 8 Babies, Looks Forward to Telling Her Story

The California woman who recently gave birth to octuplets is not overwhelmed and is looking forward to telling her story, her spokeswoman said today.

Nadya Suleman is a “wonderful woman,” spokeswoman Joann Killeen said today on “Good Morning America.” “She’s smart, she’s bright, she’s articulate, she’s well-educated and she has a wonderful sense of humor.”

Suleman, 33, remains in a hospital in southern California after giving birth Jan. 26 to the octuplets. Suleman, who has six other children, is now the mother of 10 boys and four girls younger than 8. All were born by in vitro fertilization, her mother has said.

Despite what might seem like an overwhelming number of children and despite her family’s apparent financial difficulties, Suleman is “upbeat” about her future, Killeen said.

“She’s very joyful. Nadya is a very balanced and together woman,” she said.

“She’s very, very happy and joyful for the miracle of life and the babies.”

Suleman has held the babies and has named them, Killeen said, though she declined to reveal the names.

In a statement released today, Kaiser Permanente’s Bellflower Medical Center said all eight babies are breathing unassisted as they continue to feed on donated breast milk and receive intravenous nutritional supplements.

“This has been a very good week for the babies. It is always satisfying to be able to see a baby that was born premature continue to get stronger every day,” Dr. Mandhir Gupta said in the statement.

From another online article:

The California woman who gave birth to octuplets on Monday, although once married, apparently had all 14 of her kids out of wedlock by artificial means — and various public records raise questions about the family’s ability to support them.

Meanwhile, a friend and neighbor of the new mother defended her decisions to ABC News and insisted she will have plenty of assistance raising her 14 children.

“Nadya has a lot of friends that are very supportive and willing to help in any way they can,” Jessica Zepeda said Sunday evening outside her Whittier, CA. home. She called Doud a “wonderful mother” and an ”awesome parent.”

Zepeda and Doud’s children play and go to school together. Zepeda expressed frustration with critical coverage of the octuplet birth in the media and suggested that it was preventing her children from seeing their friends.

“They can’t – because of all the cameras in front of her house,” Zepeda said.

ABC News has learned through San Bernardino Superior Court Records that the 33-year-old California woman, whose name is Nadya Doud or Nadya Suleman (she filed to have her name changed to Nadya Suleman in 2001 — though it was not clear if the request was granted), divorced her husband, Marcos Gutierrez, in January 2008.

The document indicates “no children of the marriage,” suggesting that Gutierrez was not the father of Doud’s previous six children.

Last week, the woman’s mother, Angela Suleman, said her daughter has been obsessed with having children since she was a teenager, according to an interview she conducted late Friday with The Associated Press.

Angela Suleman told the AP that all 14 children were conceived through in vitro fertilization, because her daughter had always had trouble conceiving because her fallopian tubes were “plugged up.” She said that while all the kids came from a single sperm donor, the donor is not Marcos Guitierrez.

An AP review of birth records identified a David Solomon as the father of the oldest four children.

Doud lived with Gutierrez for about three-and-a-half years from August 1996 until January 2000, when she moved back with her parents, Edward Doud Suleman and Angela Suleman, living at several addresses, records show. The parents were granted a divorce in Las Vegas in 1999, but evidently still live together.

After leaving Gutierrez, Doud began having her 14 children.

Another set of court documents may raise the question of whether Doud will be able to afford care for all those kids. The public records indicate that Doud’s mother filed for bankruptcy in March 2008.

The family currently lives in a three-bedroom home in suburban Los Angeles. Bankruptcy court records show that, as of March 2008, the family owned a second home in the same area.

As of March, Edward Doud Suleman, apparently the octuplets’ grandfather, was working in Iraq, according to the bankruptcy filing. The couple’s combined monthly income was listed as roughly $8,740, but the filing indicated that Angela Suleman expected their income would rise from her husband’s employment. It said that he would earn $100,000 a year. The document did not specify Suleman’s husband’s occupation, but Suleman told the Los Angeles Times that her husband was a contractor.

Angela Suleman told the newspaper that her daughter had fertility treatment but never expected the treatment would result in eight babies.

She said that raising 14 children “was going to be difficult.”

Nadya Suleman (a.k.a. Doud) reportedly held a psychiatric technician’s license, though it was not clear if she was currently employed.

She holds a 2006 degree in child and adolescent development from California State University, Fullerton, and as late as last spring she was studying for a master’s degree in counseling, a college official told ABC News.

In a statement released today, Kaiser Permanente Bellflower Medical Center in Bellflower, Calif., where the children were born, said the infants were showing “good progress.” All of the babies are breathing unassisted, and are being tube-fed donated breast milk and given intravenous nutritional supplements, the statement said.

No matter what someone earns, giving birth and caring for octuplets is an expensive proposition. The infants’ delivery was performed by a team of 46 doctors, nurses and surgical assistants stationed in four delivery rooms at the Bellflower Medical Center, and it likely cost hundreds of thousands of dollars.

“Where is the milk money going to come from? How are we going to get these children to bed at night? Who is going to stay up with six children?” asked Dr. Charles Sophy of L.A. County Children and Family Services. “There is a lot of realty setting in.”

“You can think of it as an eightfold increase on a singleton birth,” said Steven M. Donn, director of the Division of Neonatal-Perinatal Medicine at the University of Michigan Health System. “By comparison, the mother’s care will probably be a bargain.”

Costs for the average delivery of a full-term pregnancy range from $9,000 to $25,000, depending on whether the baby is delivered by Caesarean section or vaginally. Eight times $25,000 is a whopping $200,000.

But Donn said the cost of the octuplets’ delivery likely exceeded that number because doctors prepared for the risks associated with a multiple-birth delivery.

“For reasons we don’t completely understand, risks with multifetal deliveries are greater than [normal births],” Donn said.

The medical costs for babies born preterm, like the California octuplets, which were born nine weeks premature, are also above average.

“The real significant costs come on the pediatric side, particularly when it comes to neonatal intensive care,” said Dr. Geeta Swamy, a maternal-fetal specialist at Duke University Medical Center.

A full-term pregnancy lasts from 38 to 42 weeks, according to the National Institutes of Health, and Swamy estimated for babies born at 30 weeks the hospital stay could be “anywhere from six weeks to six months.”

For an infant stay in a neonatal intensive care unit, costs can add up to “a few thousand a day,” she said.

“So we are looking at probably several hundreds of thousands of dollars for the family. If it is $100,000 per baby, for example, then it would be $800,000 for all eight,” Swamy said.

I love this quote from the grandma:

Nadya Suleman wanted to have children since she was a teenager, “but luckily she couldn’t,” her mother said.

“Instead of becoming a kindergarten teacher or something, she started having them, but not the normal way,” he mother said.

 

Tags: 2 million dollar interview, 8 babies, coochie, David Solomon, in vitro fertilization, insanity, Marcos Guitierrez, multiple births, Nadya Doud, Nadya Suleman, octuplets, poontang, pregnent picture contest, woman gives birth to 8

New Bumper Sticker….

Got this in my email this morning and thought I’d pass it along.

 

Time to replace your “W” stickerIt is time to get rid of those “W” bumper stickers you’ve seen for the past 8 years. That administration is done.

The election is over. Get past it. Get used to the idea of a new president and the new administration!!

Here’s the bumper sticker you’ll need for at least 4 years.

 

BTW….THE FINAL #’S ARE IN FROM THE INAUGURATION.

1,672,328 OBAMA SUPPORTERS ATTENDED THE CEREMONY.

ONLY 9 HAD TO MISS WORK

 

Tags: bumper stickers, O-shit, Obama bumper sticker, poliitical sarcasm, political sarcasm, sarcasm

Check It Out Checkerouters! I’m Interviewed!!!!

First, I want to statethat I’m copying Greg Gutfield of  Red Eye  by using the nonword, checkerouters. Just want to give credit where credit is do. If you have the humor level of a high school aged boy (and I do), you must check out Red Eye. The shows comes on very, very late (one in the morning) but you can watch most of it on the Red Eye  website.

Recently, I was given a great opportunity of being interviewed by The Vinyl Villager.  VV has a really great blog with lots of funny stories about his life. He, also, writes about things in the news and makes some of the funniest comments that I have ever read. I’ve known VV for a long time but this does not make me partial to his blog. If his blog sucked, I’d just privately read it and never mention it to y’all. He is sarcastically witty. Best of all, he makes just as much fun of himself as he does anyone/anything else. Ya gotta love someone who does that.

So, after reading this post, y’all get your lil’ fannies on over to the Vinyl Village and start you day with a good laugh.

I’m gonna give a shout-out to one more blog……Mad Haiku.  This guy is funny in a really off-the-wall way. Check out his Moby Dick in Haiku. That’s some funny stuff.

OK…I was honored to be chosen by Vinyl Village to do an interview with him. If you would like to be interviewed by VV, go check out his blog post on interviews and leave him a comment.

Here’s my interview:

1.. Whenever bad weather is coming, people run out to get milk and  bread. What do you make sure to stock up on if you know you’ll be stuck at home for a few days?

I just gots to have me some of them Little Debbie cakes and Diet Coke! Almost as important is toilet paper and coffee. But, truthfully, I’m not one to run to the grocery store at the first mention of snow. Our weather people on the local news only get it right about 25% of the time. So, I just stick my head out the window. If it’s snowing, I’m not too worried. Living in the boogerwoods for years has required an SUV to get around. So, I’m pretty much ready to go when I feel the need or desire.
In the worse case scenario and I couldn’t get out, I’d just pull out one of our many guns and hunt me down some of the critters that wander around here. In the event that I couldn’t find any critters, I’d hop on hubby’s big-ass John Deere tractor and head out to WalMart. I would still be toting my guns to fend off people who might try to grab from  me that last box of Devil Dongs.

2. Since you’ve known the Vinyl Villager since God was a boy, tell everyone some of your funniest or most embarassing stories on him.

I could tell a funny or embarrassing one. However, many of them would involve his Mama and he tells those stories much better than I ever could. So, I’ll leave writing about them (like the turkey that she left in her car truck and it rotted)  to him. But, my favorite story is when The Vinyl Villager   first learned to read. He was 3-4 years old and his Mama was bragging about how he had started reading big words and big-people books. I have to admit that I was a little skeptical….not that he could read but that he could read all the stuff that she said he could.  My lil’ TrailerParkSkipper is only 4 days younger than VV. And, no braggin’, just fact’, she was sharp as a tack. But, there was no way in Oompaloompa Land that she could read words with more than two syllables.  So, I was a tad unbelieving but…then, I heard something that darn near brought me to my knees in surprise. That little rascal had picked up a BIBLE and was reading it as well as Billy Graham!  Waaaay  better than Rev. “G-damn America” Wright. So, being the skeptic that I am, I thought that maybe he had just memorized a verse (which come to think of it is pretty darn genius for a kid that age). What was I suppose to think? Sheesh, most of the kids on my side of the family were still stumbling around with “Billy Eats Beets”. And, they were old enough to drive themselves to school!
In all seriousness. VV was one of the smartest and best behaved child that I’ve ever known. Now, years later, I’m not so sure that I could say that. Just go read his blog and you’ll see what I mean.
PS…VV…I was gonna say “smartest and best behaved children” in our entire family. But, frankly, you didn’t have a lot of competition when I think about all the bratty, annoying heathen children that were in our family. Not gonna mention any names but there were two who lived near you.  We’ll just call them “Moey” and “Thad“. I’m sure you know who I’m talking about….the one’s whose mother had an imaginary psych degree.
 

3. If you could change any ONE thing about yourself–mental, physical, etc. what would it be?

Ouch! That’s a hard choice. I don’t think that I could choose between those two. So, I’ll take “FINANCIAL” for $500, Alec! I’d be a rich woman who gave $20 bills to strangers. My mental deficiencies are pretty much equal to my physical deficiencies so I’d be hard pressed to pick one of those.
 
4. How did you get started blogging and what is your favorite thing about doing it?

There are several reasons.
I started blogging because I’m a crazy lady that lives in the boogerwoods. It was either blog or collect cats. And, I didn’t want to be known as The Crazy Cat Lady Who Lives In The Woods.  It’s much more desirable to be known as  The Crazy Lady Who Lives In the Boogerwoods and Never Gets Off Of Her Computer.

I, also, thought that I might attract the attention of Danny Bonaduce or Gary Busey. I would love to have them comment on my blog. Both are Crazy (with a captial C) but, very interesting. It would be dabomb to have Busey comment something crazy but profound.  Unfortunately, my original plan of sticking one or both names into every post that I wrote just didn’t work. I mean….how the hell can I mention of  them when writing one of my poontange posts? Or, my stinky belly button posts?  I’ve learned a lot about myself by blogging. I’ve discovered that my poontang and stinky belly button are more important and interesting to me that Gary or Danny. Sorry, guys.

PS….Maybe, I will tag this post with Busey and Bonaduce and they’ll comment!

 
To be serious (yuck), I’ve written stories and poems since I was in Jr. High. I like writing. I actually won a couple of awards in high school. But, the blog was really for me to write all kinds of crap about my family without them knowing it. I intended for it to be a place that I could express anger, disappointed, sadness, and …..HaHa…I crack me up! Actually, I just wanted ATTENTION and the assurance that there just might be other people out there with lives as crazy and dysfunctional as mine.
 
5. Which of the following would you find most embarrassing to have happen to you in public, and which have you actually done: 1. a loud, smelly expulsion of gas. 2. an accidental nipple flash, 3. an accidental cootchie flash, 4. being with someone else who did one of the above.
 
1.  Loud explosion of gas….Done it…..yes, it was embarrassing. The most awful thing about it was that I was on a first date with a guy. He was haaawt and I think that the happiness of being on a date with him just made me explode.

It was, also, our last date.
 
2.Nipple…. Done it but only to my doctor. Not so embarrassing so it probably doesn’t count.
 
3.Cootchie flash….close. Once I was getting ready for a bath. TPKen had just left. The doorbell rang and I thought it was him because he was always  forgetting something. He would  leave his keys in his car and pound on the door.  I wrapped a not so large towel around myself and went to the door. Not TPKen. It was the guy who lived across the road. I just acted like I walked around like that all of the time and pretty much remained calm. But, he immediately looked at my feet, told me that he was looking for TPKen and promptly left.
 
4.Yes,….TPMidge is a master of farting, belching, flashing, and all sorts of other things. TPSkipper tends to be more ladylike in the gassy dept. in public as well as with the belching. But, that girl will “moon” ya in a New York minute. Heathens!  Those two have broken up the boring mile-after-mile driving of many a trucker.
 
5. (I added one) Puking in public….Yes, waaaay more times that I care to admit to. I think puking in public is far worse than farting or belching in public. You can blame a fart or a burp on somebody else. But, face it, there’s no way to blame that puddle of vomit on another person since it was seen coming out of you.

So, that’s my interview.

Thanks for the questions, VV.

Tags: boogerwoods, cootchie flash, crazy cat lady, Danny Bonaduce, farting, Fox New, Gary Busey, Greg Gutfield, Mad Haiku, Moby Dick, mooning, Red Eye, Vinyl Village, white trash interview

I Hope This Is For Real…..

I received this in my email today from my sister-in-law. I haven’t been able to find out if it was for real or not, but I sure hope that it is!

Actual Ad on Craig’s List

To:  The Guy Who Mugged Me in Downtown, Savannah , GAI was the white guy with the black Burrberry jacket that you demanded I hand over shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You also asked for my girlfriend’s purse and earrings. I hope you somehow come across this message. I’d like to apologize.I didn’t expect you to crap your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening, and it wasn’t that cold outside. You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber 1911 .45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh? It’s a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn’t it?I know it probably wasn’t a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you’d come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants. I’m sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cellphone, and wallet with me. I couldn’t have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us again. I took the liberty of calling your mother, or “Momma” as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your situation. Man she was pissed. I also bought myself some gas on your card, I filled up all the cars at the station while i was there.      I gave your  shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go’s, along with all of the cash in your wallet, then I threw the wallet itself in a dumpster. I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell. They’ll be on your bill in case you’d like to know which ones. Alltel recently shut down the line, and I’ve only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don’t know what’s going on with that. I hope they haven’t permanently cut off your service. I was about to make some threatening phone calls to the DA’s office with it. But oh well. So, about your pants; I know that I was a little rough on you when you did this whole attempted mugging thing, so I’d like to make it up to you. I’m sure you’ve already washed your pants, so I’d like to help you out. I’d like to reimburse you for the detergent you used on the pants. What brand did you use, and was it liquid or powder? I’d also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I’m hoping that you’ll reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky. If you read this message, email me and we’ll do lunch and laundry, but you have to come without the mask this time, i

wanna see your face !!!!! Peace! – Alex

 

Boy, I sure hope that “Alex” is for real!!!!!

This Is A Must See…..Aretha’s Hat!

Watch this guy doing a parody of Aretha at the inauguration. I laugh so hard that I had to go potty halfway thru it. So, I went back to the

beginning and watched it all the way thru.

Saaaaweeeeet!

Tags: Aretha Franklin's hat parody, bigass hat, funny video, Giant bow hat, Greg Scarnici, youtube video parody of Aretha Franklin nauguration

Explaining The Stimulus Package…..

I got this in my email today from my sister-in-law. I had a draft for a post prepared but thought that y’all might enjoy this!

Stimulus Payment Information That We All Can Understand
 
“This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment.
 This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and
 A  format:
 
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
 
Q. Where will the government get this money?
 A. From taxpayers.
 
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
 A. Only a smidgen.
 
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
 A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition  TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

 
Q. But isn’t that stimulating the economy of China ?
 A. Shut up.
 
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

 If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.
 If you spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.
If you purchase a computer it will go to India.
 If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and
 Guatemala (unless you buy organic).
 If you buy a car it will go to Japan.
 If you purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan.
 
And none of it will help the American economy.
 
We need to keep that money here in America. You can keep the money in  America by spending it at yard sales, going to a baseball game, or spend it on prostitutes, beer and wine (domestic ONLY), or tattoos, since those are the only businesses still in the US.

Since I am a patriotic American, this weekend, I plan to go to some yard sales, hire me a ho’fo’sho’ and take him to a ballgame. Then, I’ll swing by the liquor store, pick up beer or wine. I’ll drink enough of it to be slightly tipsy and go get a tatoo (while my male ho’fo’sho’ holds  my hand.) After the tatoo is finished, we’ll head back to my house and drink the rest of the alcoholic beverages. When finished wth all the drinks, we’ll play a game of “How Much Stuff In My House Was Made 100%  In America!”  I’m afraid that the only things that we will find that fit that critera is me and him. And, I’m not so sure about him.

Tags: beer, buy American, easy explanation of the stimulus package, Ho'Fo'Sho', obama, patriotic buying, refund, stimulus package, stimulus package Obama, tatoo, wine

Super Bowl Ads

Are you like me? Do you watch the Super Bowl mainly for the ads? In case you missed them, here is a link with all of the ads.

I love the Dorito one and the Pepsi Max. But, I haven’t watched them all yet. Which do you like?

 

Super Bowl Ads

Tags: Alec Baldwin, Budweiser, Dorito, godaddy, Pepsi Max, Super Bowl ads, Super Bowl commercials

Battle of the 4 Wheelers…..

It’s been a long winter here in the boogerwoods. Lots of snow and ice making roads hard to navigate. The main roads are generally OK by noon. But, I live off the beaten path where mostly wild animals and 4-wheelers roam freely. The wild animals don’t bother me. The 4-wheelers are another story. I’m not an anti-fun type of girl or grumpy ol’ biotch. It’s just that the 4-wheelers are being operated by kids with no helmets and they drive them very fast right in the middle of the road.

 A few years ago, TrailerParkKen got hit by a 4-wheeler while driving out the road. I say that he got hit not that he hit one.  I say that because TPK was driving slowly (criminey, he drives like a 100 yr old geezer on this road…about 10mph), when a dirt bike came flying around a curve headed straight at us. Ken swerved to avoid head-on impact but couldn’t toally prevent a collision. The dirt bike hit us on the front fender. The boy rolled across the hood of our car and landed in a patch of woods on the other side. SCARY! He laid there motionless and I thought that he had been killed. Thank the good Lord, he was just stunned. He had some scrapes and bruises. And, he may have pooped his pants becaue he smelled like crap. He needed to thank his lucky stars that shittin’ his pants was the worse thing that happened to him.

TPKen wanted to call the police. But, I knew the boy’s parents and convinced him to just drive the boy home and tell his folks what had happened. His dad agreed to pay for the big dent in my fender and we agreed to not press any charges. Sadly, the boy did not learn a lesson. He now has his driver’s license and drives like a manic. He might not be so lucky next time he hits somebody.

What really bothers me, though, is the number of adults who have small children with no helmets on the back of their 4-wheelers. Kids that look no older than 2 or  yrs old. And, they go pretty fast, rounding curves at a precarious angle with the kid bobbing around like a Backwoods Redneck Bobblehead Doll.  This is so dangerous. I think that it borders on child neglect. I’m sure that the adults think that they are just having fun with their kids. I wish they’d think of what could happen if they roll over or get hit my a car.

In our old neighborhood, we had a family who had no regards for their neighbors. They had 2 4-wheelers and the entire family would ride them up and down the road at all hours of the day and night.  That particular summer, it had not rained for a long time and the dirt road in front of my house was dry as sand in the desert. The noise from the 4-wheelers going up and down the road, up and down the road, up…you get the idea….was bad. But, worse than that was the dust sent flying all over everything. My house there did not have air-conditioning. I had a couple of small window units but they didn’t do much. This family had dust constantly swirling and it would blow down on my house and through my windows which were screened. The screens stayed dirty and blocked with road dust. The air-conditoning units were being clogged with road dust. We couldn’t even sit on our front porch without dust being blown into our eyes, noses, and mouths. And, THIS WAS STARTING TO PISS ME OFF REALLY BAD!

 The only thing that I could think of to stop having to eat dust and have gritty eyes was to cover my face while outside. Not attractive nor practical. So, then I called the sheriff’s department. I just wanted them to scare the people a little with a warning. But, I was informed by the sheriff’s department that even though 4-wheelers were illegal on neighborhoods streets, the riders had to be caught in the act. And, I was told, the sheriff’s department did not have enough manpower to post an officer in our neighborhood at that time. I was told to call again later if they didn’t stop.

Well, that didn’t work. So, I figured that I would take a nice neighbor approach and reason with them. One morning very early, I heard the dreaded sound of the 4-wheelers coming up the road. I ran out of my house and to the end of my driveway. My plan was to stop them and explain the problems that they were causing with all the dust from the bikes. So…here they came……and there they went. They turned around at the top of the hill and came back by and kept on going. This was despite the fact that I was yelling at the top of my lungs asking them to stop for second. The riders were a boy of around 8 yrs old and a girl who was around 12 yrs old. I stood and watched them pull into their driveway where their mother was standing. I watched them talk to each other for a couple of minutes. Then, I saw the mother and the oldest brother, who was 15 yrs old, get on the 4-wheelers and turned to head my way. Great! I thought that  this was going to be a piece of cake. I was sure that the mother was going to drive over and talk to me. I’d be able to reason with her, an adult. Right?????

Wrong!!!!!!!! Instead of stopping, both riders did a little spin-around right in front of me thereby, throwing dust and dirt all over me from head to toe. Then, they took off and they were laughing.

OK! Now, I was super-pissed!!!!! I decided to stand my ground and didn’t budge an inch from where I had been standing when those shit-heads covered me in road dust. 

After about 15 minutes and no 4-wheelers, I thought that, maybe, I had made my point. Unfortunately, that was not the case. As soon as I left my sentry at the head of the driveway, here they came again.

I was just about to throw in the towell when I happened to glance at my rose bushes…..covered in dust. And, my porch furniture had so much dust on it that it looked like it was painted beige instead white. And the window screens….so much dust and dirt that you couldn’t even see in them. And, I got MORE PISSED OFF!

So, I grabbed a folding lawn year and put it in position at the head of the driveway. Then, I unwound a very long length of water hose. I needed to hose off the dust on everything, right? But, who could blame me if I just happened to be squiriting water at the flowers (now brown) that lined my fence? And, would it be my fault if 4 wheelers happen to go by just at the water was hitting the road?

So, that was my plan. But, a little used pocket of  little used common sense in my brain took over and reminded me that hosing the riders down could cause them to wreck. I didn’t want them to wreck. I didn’t want anyone to get hurt. So, I had to scrap that plan. Damn…it sure wouldn’ve been fun, though! I tucked my tail between my legs and went in the house. I had lost the battle but not the war. I had to think of another plan. Or, just let it go and suffer thru a Gigantic Dust Bowl summer.

 

After a few very, very hot and DUSTY days, I couldn’t take this any longer. Early one morning around 7:30, I heard the loud sound of the motors starting up again. I figured that I would give diplomacy one more chance. I went outside and walked to the head of the driveway and waited for the brats to come by. When they got within sight, I made myself put a big smile on my face and began waving my arms to signal that I wanted to talk to them. This time it was the 12 yr old boy with a the youngest boy riding shotgun  and  a kid that I had never seen riding together on one 4-wheeler.  The new kid was a boy who looked like he might be in his early teens. I was pleasantly surprised when they began to slow down when they got near me. Yay! They were going to stop and I was going to be really nice and ask them in a kind way to please stop riding up and down the road in front of my house. I would point out to them that if they turned to the right instead of the left when they came to the end of their road that there was a really good, unpopulated area that they could ride all day every day and not bother a single soul.

The 4-wheeler came to an almost stop when the little boy did this……  The new boy was smart enough to keep both hands on the wheel so she just said, “FUCK YOU!” Nice kids, huh?

I had enough!!!! So, here is what I did.

I put the lawn chair on my driveway. This time I did not set it near the road. I set it in about the middle so as not to be too obvious. Then I went in the house and got out a shot gun. Of course, it was not loaded. I checked to make sure that the chamber was empty so to avoid freak accidents. Then, I went out, sat down in the chair, and laid the shotgun across my lap.

Shortly, here they came again. It was obvious that they were wanting to taunt me some more because both of them were not even watching the road. Instead, they were gawking toward my house. They seemed disappointed to not see me at the end of the driveway. They had stopped laughing and had actually slowed down a little. Then, they decided to stop…..right in front of my house…..right in front of my driveway. Scanning the area with his eyes, the boy spotted me. And, the shotgun. ….. Our eyes met. His showed fear. Then the boys looked at each other, looked at me, and started their engines. You should have seen the cloud of dust left behind!

I was fully prepared to deal with the wrath of redneck parents. All morning, I kept listening for the doorbell to ring. Or, for two cursing, pissed off, ready to beat my ass parents to show up outside my house. But….nothing.

I, seriously, would never aim that shotgun at any of them much less shoot. But, I guess they didn’t know that.

That was the last of 4-wheelin’ dust throwing that summer. At the end of that summer, we moved into the house that we built and are living in now. I’ve run into former neighbors and ask them if the kids were still recklessly riding those 4-wheelers up and down the road. It turns out that they are not. And, it’s not because of me….the crazy woman with the shotgun. Shortly, after I moved, the father of those kids got drunk and shot himself in the leg. He went on disability (…another thing that pisses me off) and became a full-time drunk. Well, that’s not exactly true. He had a part time job selling drugs. He got busted and went to prison. When he got released, his wife divorced him and left him with the kids. One kid turned 18 and moved away. One kid grew up fast and became the caretaker of her little brother, the house, and her dad. I feel bad for them. But, I have no regrets scaring the shit out of them that summer. Maybe, somebody should have done it sooner. No way to know. I guess that’s life.

Tags: 4 wheelers, battle of the neighbors, dirt bike wreck, dust bowl, four wheel wrecks, mean kids, redneck driving, redneck kids, redneck past times, white trash hobbies

Eyebrows……

I got this in my email this morning. I’m really thankful that I’m getting some pretty decent and funny emails lately. I’m not feeling very creative in the writing department. My emails are giving me some post material. I don’t know the origin of this from but if any of you do, please tell me. I would love to give them credit for their sarcastic talent.

 

Yeah…I have to admit that I think eyes are the best part of the face…that is of course unless they are matched up with eyebrows like these…We may have to hold a vote afterwards to see who the winner is. 

OMG!! ARE HER EYEBROWS IN “TIMES NEW ROMAN” FONT??

IT’S A FRIEDA “BRATS DOLL!!” 

SHE WANTED TO BE FREIDA BUT COULD’NT COMMIT.

 I’M NOT SURE THIS IS A CHICK TO BE HONEST WITH YOU….

CATS…SERIOUSLY? IF YOU WERE GOING WITH AN ANIMAL THEME WHY NOT LIZARDS? AT LEAST THEY ARE LONG AND SKINNY!!  

 SHE HAS EYEBROW MANGE!!! DON’T GET TOO CLOSE GIRL!!

 

SHE WAS PLAYING TREE #3 AGAIN THIS YEAR IN THE SCHOOL PLAY…SIGH….

MAYBE SHE DREW HER EYEBROWS SUPER DARK TO DISTRACT FROM THE GIANT HICKEY ON HER NECK???

 

MOOD EYEBROWS …SHE WAS ANGRY THAT DAY…VERRY ANGRY AND SAW STAR TREK LAST NIGHT ON T.V.

 

WOW!! LONGEST EYEBROWS EVER!!

I DON’T THINK THAT IS ANYONES REAL HAIR COLOR AT ALL!

ARRGH! ME HULK LADY WANT TO DANCE WITH JONAS BROTHERS!!

EEK! KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!!

I…I JUST DON’T HAVE WORDS….AT LEAST HER EYES AND HAIR MATCH. I’M SCARED

ITS LIKE SHE SAID SOMETHING STUPID SO THEY TURNED TO LOOK AT HER AND SAY “WHAT YOU TALKIN’ BOUT WILLIS?”

SHE COULD AT LEAST PUT SOME HAIR GEL IN IT OR SOMETHING???

Now, it’s time to vote! Which one did you find the freakiest?

Tags: eyebrows, freaky brows, freaky pictures, funny email.thin brows, Jonas Brothers, Star Trek

Generation Y Definition…..

Due to heavy Dali Mama duties (like contemplating why my belly button is so darn deep), I have not had the time to enlighten (yeah…right!) you with any words of wisdom lately.

So, today’s post is brought to you by yahoo mail and the letter “Y”.    I got this in my email today.

Hmm, I’ve always wondered this myself. Now I know.

 

- The Silent generation, people born before 1946.
- The Baby Boomers, people born between 1946 and 1959.
- Generation X, people born between 1960 and 1979.
- Generation Y, people born between 1980 and 1995
Why do we call the last one generation Y? I did not know, but a brilliant cartoonist (whose name I can’t read) explains it eloquently below…
Learned something new today!

Tags: baby boomers, bustin' a sag, butt crack cartoon, butt crack pants, church of the Dali Mama, generation X, generation Y, the silent generation

Advice From Jim, The Thoughtful Husband……

Jim -The Thoughtful Husband…

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are over-sensitive, and there’s nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.

My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Christine. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Christine to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work and although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don’t yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men’s Grill at the club so eating out twice is not reasonable. I’m ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it’s not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won’t clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take ‘em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won’t have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn’t hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the lawn. I try not to make a scene. I’m a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Christine. I’m not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will even find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed,

Jim

 

 

Tags: advice about wives, advice from a stupid man, dead husband, lazy man, overworked woman

Ouch…I’ve Gotta A Goose-egg!

I wrote this post at another blog. I deleted the blog and have decided to put some of the posts here.

Besides, my creative muse went on vacation. Or, somewhere. Took my damn brain with her, too.

 

Had a bad nite. A REALLY bad nite. I had a hard time going to sleep to begin with. I went to bed, got up, went to bed, got up, etc.

During one of the “got up” times, my armpit was itching. When I scratched it, I found that I had some extremely dry skin. Checked the other armpit and same thing. I figured I’d better do something about it or when spring came, I’d look like the Crypt Keeper….or worse, somebody would find a skeleton on my sofa with nothing left but dry skin flakes dusting the surroundings. So, I went to the bathroom closet and got out my Aquafor. Not the regular lotion stuff……the heavy duty salve-like  stuff. I greased up really good. Man, I coated arms, legs, elbows, hands, etc. with grease. I actually got carried away with the lube job due to the fact that I was watching  Red Eye  on TV . My fav  segment, TODAY IN MCCONAUGHEY  ,was on and that guy really cracks me up. So, I didn’t realize that I had slathered about 1/2 inch of grease coating on me.

I finally felt sleepy enough to go to bed….again. While trying to go to dreamland, I just layed there and tried to make sense of the constant, everchanging stream of thoughts that I’ve grown use to. My thoughts for some odd reason drifted to this female neighbor that we had when I was just a little kid….about 5 or 6. Her name was Nancy and she was a divorcee’ with an amazing will to do anything a man good do. This included chewing Red Man tobacco. I remember that Nancy always had a really tight home perm. Toni brand. I remember it was Toni brand because she began to give my mom and my older sister perms. I can remember seeing the box on the kitchen counter…..Toni home perm. And, I can remember that smell…..the Toni home perm smell! Awful! For anyone who has never smelled that home perm smell, just imagine somebody sticking their head in a bucket of Dupont chemicals. YUCK!!!!

Don’t know why I started thinking about that, but I did. I was thinking about it as I drifted off (finally) to sleep. But then…..

Crap! I had to pee. I finally start to fall asleep and I have to pee!

So, I hauled myself out of bed and went to the bathroom. Since, I was already up, I decided to get a drink of water from the kitchen. I was half-asleep. For the first time since I’ve lived here in this house (11 months), I didn’t turn any lights on. I have a fountain in the living room that has a light in it and it was shining enough for me to make out the sink in the kitchen. I went to the sink, got my drink of water, and started back to the bedroom. I had walked about two feet when…..BAM!!!!!!…..I ran head first into a wood-covered steel beam that is between the kitchen and living room. I must have been walking at a pretty good pace because I hit so hard that I fell to my knees. My knees hit the kitchen tile really hard. And I started to moan. I mean really MOAN. OMG….my head hurt. My knees hurt and the impact of running into the beam stunned me. I just sat there on the floor holding my head for a few minutes. I got up and felt my head. Sure, enough, there was a big goose-egg already forming. My knees were bruised and battered. I limped back to the bed and got in. Then, I started thinking, “Should I go to sleep? What if I don’t wake up?” That was my last thought until I woke up this morning.

At first, I thought that I had had just another weird dream since I tend to have crazy dreams. But, when I tried to move, I knew that it wasn’t a dream. Dear Lord, I hurt all over!

I slowly walked into the kitchen to make coffee. The beam caught my eye. There were greasy handprints from the Aquafor running down the length of it. And a greasy forehead print. I had to laugh, though. It was like something off of the Three Stooges or one of those shows.

Heed my advice…..don’t grease up and get up in the middle of the night.

Tags: bump on head, embarrassing story, flaky skin, goose egg on head, hitting head on beam, Red Eye Greg Gutfeld, Red Man tobacco, tobacco chewing woman, Toni home perms, walking in darkness

Help Me, Lord…

Well, Einstein/aka TrailerParkKen  is at it again. I swear I can’t decide if he is super-smart or super-stupid. He is an engineer. He designs machine. He does blueprints for houses and stuff, too. He is great at that kind of stuff.  People all over the country know him and respect his inventing abilities.

But, ever once in a while, I have to question his sanity. Now, he’s gonna make……drumroll please…..OMG!……

MIRCROWAVE GUNS FOR HOME PROTECTION!!!!

Now, these are not just guns that you would have available to “cook”  intruders on demand. These guns would be mounted to the SIDES OF MY HOUSE! They would work in sequence with the motion detector lights. If something or someone set off the motion detector lights, they would get microwaved!!!

He was so excited when he started telling me about this. He had already done some research on the internet. But, the only thing that I could think about was…

….what if there was an emergency or something and somebody that we know and loved or the police or firemen  had to come and wake us up in the night…..they would get cooked like a Christmas goose!!!! Or, what if for some reason I had to come home after dark? I don’t think I would enjoy have my liver sautee’d or my lungs roasted. And, what about poor little stray cats or doggies?

On the bright side, though. I’d have plenty of already cooked turkeys and deer. All I’d have to do is go outside, skin ‘em,  strip ‘em and put ‘em on a plate.

I think MH is an idiot savant . Or, maybe, just an idiot.

Heaven help me!!!

Tags: dangerous weapons, home protection, idiot savant, microwave guns, nuked game, nuked person, sauteed liver, Star Wars technology

There’s Something About Mary….

OK…I know y’all aren’t going to believe that I’m so busy that I don’t have time to post. But, I swear, it’s true. So, here’s another story from my very first blog. As always….it’s true. It’s beginning to become pretty apparent to everyone by now (even me), that I know a lot of serious nutjobs.

Mary…that’s her name. Domestic chores/cleaning lady….that’s her game.

Mary is about 5 foot 4 inches tall. But 8 of those inches are stacked-up, Miss Kitty/Gunsmoke/Saloon girl hair. Mary appears to be meek and somewhat introverted…..at first.

Mary started cleaning for my older daughter about 2 years ago.TPSkipper was a substitue music teacher and needed a hand occasionally. Annie found Mary in a trade journal and hired her. Mary seemed nice enough although a bit strange.
But, she cleaned and did laundry and even started leaving little “Thank you for being my friend” notes around. But, Mary kept getting a little kookier and a little kookier, etc. One day Mary decided to cleaned my SIL’s very expensive suit for him….by putting it in the washing machine. Even though, it really pissed him off, they decided to just mention to her to not ever do that again. Then Mary started calling in with different dilemmas….two car accidents, constant doc appts., fights with her pschyo sister, etc. TPSkipper and hubby began to rethink having Mary around. The end came for Mary when she showed up for work, went into hubby’s office, and burst out in a hysterical howling. When asked what was wrong, she become a rapid descent off the deep end.
Mary said that she was scared of that picture playing on the office computer. It was frightening her. It was the DEVIL!!!! It was a  screen saver of The Matrix. Keneau Reeves was about to make Mary crap her pants.TPSkipper and hubby decided to give Mary her walking papers. Actually, they gave her to my other daughter to clean for her. But, Mary wasn’t too happy about this. She didn’t seem to understand getting fired. One day, TPSkipper came home and, lo and behold….there’s Mary!!! She knew that she had taken Mary’s key so she asked her how she got in. Mary had come THRU THE GARAGE! She had memorized their key pad numbers.
Hubby came home and told Mary that he had fired her. She said that she DIDN’T WANT TO BE FIRED!!! After, a standoff, they insisted that Mary leave and NOT come back.

So, Mary just packed up her little cleaning cart and went to TPMidge’s.

At this time, I need to tell you something else about Mary. Mary was going to Dr. W. Dr. W. is the pdoc that I went to once and found out that he had narcolepsy…..fell right damn sound asleep in the middle of my visit. He also had a skinhead son that worked for him. And his other son also worked there. He was either retarded or rude. Never figured out which one.  That was my first and LAST visit to Dr. W. Bad enough to be sitting in a pdoc chair. Truly awful when he falls to sleep in the middle of our conversation!

Anyway, turns out that Mary was seeing Dr W for depression…..and who knows what else. Mary showed TPMidge  her list of meds one day. This is hard to believe but here is what was on it: Ativan, Valium, Xanax, Trazadone, and an AD (don’t remember which one). GEEEEEEEZZZZZZ….what in the hell is he doing giving her all that shit???? All I could figure was that he wrote her a script, fell asleep, forgot what he had done, and wrote another one. I don’t know. That’s insane.

Last week, Midge’s hubby was in an important meeting out of town. He gets a call from his neighbor, Levi.  Levi is a nice, but rednecked Harley riding woman. Levi says that Mary can’t get into the townhouse because she has lost her key. Levi says Mary is all to pieces over it. TPMidge’s honey gets on the phone with Mary and just tells her to go home. Well, since Mary couldn’t clean, she sat and talked with Levi for a while before she left.Levi said that she might hire Mary SOMETIME to help her.

The next week, Levi gets a call from Mary. A very strange call from Mary.

Mary, “Tell Dr. W that I sent him a payment yesterday.”

Levi, “This is not Dr. W’s office. This is Levi.”
Mary, “Put Dr. W on the phone RIGHT NOW.”
Levi, “Mary, do you know who you are talking to?”
Mary, “Yes, I do. You are TPMidge’s neighbors. Now, put Dr. W on the phone right now.”
Levi, “Mary, Dr. W. is not here. This is not his office. This is my house.”
Mary,”Oh, well tell Dr W that I sent him a payment” and she hangs up.

Oh, but it gets better, kiddos

Next day, phone rings at Levi’s.

Mary “I’m coming to clean today.”
Levi, “No, you are not. I haven’t even hired you yet.”
Mary, “Yes, you did! I wrote it in my book. Monday 9:00. Clean @ Levi’s”.
Levi (trying to calm Mary) “Mary, there must have been a misunderstanding. I didn’t ell you to come and clean my house. You are wrong.”
Mary, “Are YOU calling ME a Liar? I’m gonna come and whoop your ass!”
Levi, “Mary, if you are planning on an ass-whooping, you better pack a lunch, girl. Cuz it’s gonna be an all day event”.
Mary, “OK, then. I’m just gonna come over there and run my car thru your door”.
Levi decided to mess with Mary’s head…. “Yeah, well I’m gonna get Dr W to come to the phone right now!”

Mary….hangs up

So, Levi does get on the phone and call Dr. W and tells him what Mary has done.
See, it turns out that Levi does know Dr W because they use to be neighbors. ALthough, she has NEVER told Mary this. Levi tells Dr W that she knows that he is not allowed to discuss patients but wants to know from him if Mary is dangerous.
Dr. W says, “Don’t worry about it, Levi. Mary is harmless. By the time she gets in her car, she will have forgotten what she is going to go do anyway.” (Could this be in part because of the exhorbant number of pills that he has her on?)

Yesterday, Mary calls TPMidge and tells her that she can’t come to clean today. Seems she has come down with “bipolar in the chest” (her exact words)!!!!!

TPMidge is going to fire Mary as soon as she changes her phone number, her door locks, her mailing address, and maybe, hires a security guard.

There really is SOMETHING ABOUT MARY!

since I first posted this, Dr W has passed away. I wonder how long it took someone to figure out that he had not just fallen asleep.

Tags: ass-whooping, breaking and entering by cleaning lady, cleaning survices, crazy cleaning lady, narcolepsy, overprescribed medications, strange cleaning lady story, there's something about Mary

I’m Up To My Eyeballs In….Update

God, help me…I’m up to my eyeballs…..

 in boar meat!!!!!!! That’s “boar” as in wild swine not “bore/boor” as in “you are putting me into a trance by boring me”.

My DH decided to go boar hunting with my SIL. My SIL had made reservations at a game hunting what-ever-you-call-it place. It cost 100 bucks each just to reserve a spot. Then, they had to pay more if they shot a boar. I was told that it would be 100 bucks a boar. So, I thought, “What the hell. It’s worth a hundred bucks to get him out of my hair all day Saturday.” And, since he had NEVER been hunting in his entire life, I figured his chances of shooting anything but his own foot was pretty slim.

So, at 4 am this morning, I am awaken by DH getting ready for his big manly, hunting trip. He never has consideration for things like that. Instead of trying to be quite and let me sleep, he makes more noise than a crowd cheering at a Speical Olympics. He finally left but by then I was wide awake.

The gods are not smiling on me favorably today at all. You know, one of those days when every little thing that can go wrong does do wrong.  I lay down around 6:30pm.  to see if I could sneak in a quick nap. At 6:40, I hear the door open and “ye great, mighty white hunter” had returned from slaying the beasts.

Now, I had been told by my SIL, that the rate of boar kill around here was extremely low. So, considering that and the fact that DH has NEVER gone hunting before, I was ready to hear him complaining about stomping around the woods in the rain all day. But, instead, he was in an unusually good mood. Ye brave and mighty warrior had killed TWO boars. So, OK……$300 bucks….or so I thought.
I ask him where the swine were and he said that he had dropped them off at a butcher shop on the way home. So, I asked him how much that was going to cost and he said $50 an animal. Now the total is up to $400.00, or so I thought.
Upon further questioning, I learned that the cost of each boar was actually $350.00….a total of $700.00.

Seven hundred bucks plus the reserve fee plus the butcher comes to…..hmmmm…..holy f****** moly……$900!!!!!!!!

AND, it turns out that we are the proud owners of  THREE HUNDRED POUNDS OF BOAR MEAT!!!!! Here, you are probably think….no big deal…..freeze it. Right?
But, here’s the kicker, DH doesn’t eat pork and I refuse to eat any meat that doesn’t come from the grocery store already packed in plastic and stamped with the price per pound on it.

So, WHAT THE HELL am I gonna do with three hundred pounds of wild pig meat???????????????????????????????? Merry Christmas to all my friends here. Be looking for the UPS truck to deliver you a freeze dried package of wild pig. Hoping my in-laws are gonna enjoy their present openings on Christmas eve. It’s WILD BOAR for all this year.

I’m just wondering if boar penis will sell on ebay. Maybe, I can find a pattern for boar testicle wallets or sumptin’? I’ve seen bull testicle change purses on eBay. Ooh ooh….idea…..a boar head hat. That wouldn’t work since it would deny MWH the chance to mount the ugly thing.

I wonder if I can make it taste like chicken? 

This post was written several months ago. I decided to repost it because……IT’S TIME FOR THE HUNTIN’ TO BEGIN AGAIN!

I just finally got rid of the last of that nasty boar meat. Don’t worry, you who are against killing for sport (even though that is why SIL and TPKen went boar huntin’). I have managed to give away boar meat to relatives and friends. We donated a large part of it to the Boy Scouts of America for the annual wild game dinner.

Also, I have been able to uncover the real story of the boar hunt. Boars are ugly critters and can be downright nasty.Those ugly tusks can do some major damage to anything that they decide to attack.

So, I was little leery of  the Mighty White Hunter and Little Buddy  (you’ll find out why I’m referring to them by those names near the end of the post. Listen to the video) heading out with plans of shooting those ugly, demon-possessed swines.

When MWH and LB came back without any major tusk-inflicted gashes or wounds, I was pretty much in awe. However, the awe soon diminished when the real story of how MWH had shot at least one of his boars. Here’s the real account….

MWH spotted a boar and got his gun at the ready to shoot. And, shoot he did! But, he barely grazed the boar’s shank. Well, this only served to really piss off the boar. And, that’s when the boar charged him. MWH is no sharp shooter but he’s not a novice either. He quickly grabbed a gun from Little Buddy and aimed again. But, by this time, the boar was upon him….literally. MWH soon realized that the boar was heading straight for his family jewels and he quickly reacted by spreading his legs, hoping the boar would go thru them. And, it did! But not before MWH got off a shot at it. He hit it right in the ass. His Levis were proof of that. Both inner legs of the jeans were covered in blood from right below the crotch to the hem. I had a picture of the Levis that I kept for a long time but deleted it. Wish I hadn’t so y’all could see those Levis.  I sure got some good laughs at them. Of course, MWH was as appreciative of the “boar straddling” incident’s comedy value as I was.

Below is a video from youtube. It is a song that the Original Crazy Dave recorded for me as a gift to MWH.  For some reason, MWH just didn’t appreciate the video, either.

But, then, I don’t fully appreciate a mounted boar head on a wall. He wanted to put it in our family room. No way! Only after I threatened to dress it up for holidays did he take it upstairs to his office. A Santa boar or Easter bunny boar didn’t appeal to him.

Ya know, it might have been fun putting some bold red lipstick and a peal necklace on that pig. It would have been really funny if I could have somehow recorded  different greetings coming from the mouth. How festive it could have been for my visitors to be wished “MERRY CHRISTMAS!” or “HAPPY NEW YEAR” from the mouth of that thing. Kinda like a bigger and uglier version of that Billy Bass fish that was the rage a few years ago.

Or, ooooh, even better, have a small camera mounted inside it’s mouth. Poop…now I wish I had let him hang it in the hall!

Those of you who are seriously devout, say a prayer that he misses with every shot this year. But, just in case he does shoot another boar in the ass, I’ve already come up with at least 100 ideas of fun to have with the head.

Also, I want to clear this up…….I didn’t end up with 300 lbs of boar meat. That is how much the boars weighed before being butchered at the shop. I think that we actually ended up with around 85 lbs.

And, I need to take this chance to promote The Original Crazy Dave. Y’all might remember that I posted about him a little while back. Dave is a really nice and talented guy. He will either write a song about whatever subject you want or he will take your words and put them to music. This is really a great Christmas or birthday gift. Dave has done 3 songs for me and 2 for TPSkipper. His charges are extremely reasonable. This would be a great time to contact him if you would like a song done. It would give you or him over 3 months to come up with words and lyrics. He does serious and silly songs. Dave goes out of  his way to please. In case you are wondering, I am not kin to Dave and do not get any type of kickback or pay from Dave. I just think that what he does is unique and wonderful. Heere’s his contact info if you are interested: orders@easydinar.com or daviddubowski@yahoo.com.

I am also using a new blog tool……http://blogitti.blogiche.com/

Tags: 300 lbs boar meat, bloody jeans, boar hunting, boar song, boar tusks, Easter bunny boar, expensive hunting, little buddy, manly hobbies, mighty white hunter, Original Crazy Dave, Santa boar, shooting boars in the butt, write your own lyrics

I’ll Plead Insanity…..

This is a post that I wrote in a forum a while back. I do not write  there any longer and am moving some posts to this blog.

Also, I’m having a problem with my keyboard. If te letters h,u,t,i,g,n, l or b are left out of a word, fil tem in for yourself. I tried to correct tem al but fially gave up.

. You can’t see me!!!!!

 

The last 48 hours have been pure hell. Insomnia not only rearing it’s ugly head…..I think it’s about to eat me alive. Nerves feeliglike rubber bands being stretched to the break point. My whole body system seems to be singing a song called, “Kill me now and get this show on the road.” LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS of stress, which is aggravating my fybro and arthritis. I’ve take an insane amount of Motrin, Alleve, and Tylenol. Probably have major stomach rot by now.(Or, is that my belly button that I smell?……DOES YOUR BELLY BUTTON STINK? HeeHee…can’t pass up a chance to pimp another post. Actually, the 2nd most read post since I started my blog. Some of the comments are unbelievable).

TrailerparkKen has not been feeling well for some time. But, he refuses to go see a doctor. Why are men like that? Women, on the other hand, will go to find out what is wrong.. And, eventhough, I biotch about him a LOT in my blog, I am still concerned about his well-beig.. His blood pressure is 230/139….stroke area. I could not get him to go to the doc last night. He went today but his doctor was not there so he just turned around and came home. He refused to see the phys. assistant. One of the corners of his eye is blood red.
Now, keep in mind, we live out in the booger woods. If something should happen, it would take 911 the better part of a week to find us.

So, strung out like a junkie in withdrawal, I stayed awake last night almost all night. At 3 oclock this morning, I saw a car headlights in my driveway. The driveway is severalhundred feet long. Probably more than that. I’m not good at measurements. Never have been since I found out that there is a major discrecpacy between what a man consider 6 inches to me and what a woman KNOWS six inches is.  Anyway the car pulls up pretty close to the house with the headlights glaring into my dark/lights off  kitchen.
My first instinct is to go wake TPKen. But, then common sense took over and I realized that a sudden, abrupt awakening might cause something bad to happen to him. So, I realize that I’m on my own and it’s up to me to guard “my castle”.

 I crept up to the window and took a hiding place behind a ficus tree. I watch for a few minutes trying to figure out who  has coming calling at 3 in the morning. My mind is racing…..”fight or flee” reactions kicks in. I run into the bedroom to get the gun only to discover that TPK has removed the smaller Lady Smith and Wesson that I usually keep handy. It’s a very nice size 38 with “girly designs” and pearl inlay on the handle. Cute but deadly. In it’s place, he has laid his humongous handgun that has a 12 inch barrell. It’s a speical edition and it’s shell cost 5 bucks each. That gun is so heavy that an old west gunslinger would look like the Hunchback of NotreDame is he had it in his belt holster. This gun caused quite an argument between myself and TPKwhen he purchased it. I mean….why would you need a gun so heavy that you’d almost have to prop it up on a stool to even fire it. That is one damn heavy piece of metal and it was hard for me to even try to aim it. Well, at least he finally came to his senses about the $7,000 armour piercing monster gun that he had planned to buy. I think he realized that a judge would findthat grounds for D-I-V-O-R-C-E even in this gun crazy, redneck state.

S0, after pausing for just a sec, I know that if I’m gonna need a weapon, it’s gonna have to be that big-ass gun that was laying where my pretty, little S&W should have been.

Here I was….taking cover behind a fake fiscs tree and using all my arm and shoulder strength to hold that gigantic gun. I’m  begining to have serious doubts whether I can even aim and shoot it in the right direction. But, being a big, ol redneck woman (and proud member of the NRA), I knew that I had to do what I had to do. So, keeping the lights off so as not to be an easy target for the gangsta outside), stumbled up the hall and found the phone…..ready to call 911 if necessary.

I took my position behind the ficus again and started watching. The car had not moved. I was sitting in the same spot. So, I started watching again to see if anybody got out. The headlights were still on and the motor was running. I decided to creep across to the front door and peep out. My front door is one of those with frosted glass that has a few clear “peepholes”. When I got in my ready to stop, drop and shoot position there, I looked out and saw that the car and turned around and was heading out. I caught myself breathing a big sigh of relief.

 BUT, then the car stopped at the end of the driveway. So, I caught myself totally tensing up again. A few minutes later it drove off. This morning, TPK went out to get the newspaper. Turns out that it was the newspaper man (at 3 in the  morning) pullig up our paper box and moving it out to the end of the road……which totally enraged TPK. They have been feuding about the location of the paper box for a few days now.

What bothers me is that I have been so edgy and ready to fight, that I could have honestly shot the paper guy. But for the grace of God, I am here writing this tonight instead of in the “big house”.

When I start getting really stressed, I start getting really angry. I find myself looking for a fight from just about anyone over anything. This is one of the most dangerous phases of my BP. Out of medicine and not have a pdoc appt for 9 weeks I decided that I had to do something PDQ. Andwith tail tucked between my legs, I visited a local “Express Care” office right now the road from me. I was straight up and frank with the doc. I told her that I was at the breaking point and needed help and need it immediately. I told her that if she refused to prescribe me something for pain, stress, andsleep, that I was going to go find some street drugs. And I was damn dead serious.  And, I began to cry.

The last time that I got to a breaking point like this, it triggered one of the worst manic periods that I had in years. ple. This was the manic period when I came to a dead stop in the middle of the road because a two-toothed, shot gun racked, 4X 4 four wheel truck driving redneck was following me too close. I threated to kick his ass…..all 5’2″ of me up against his 6′plus frame. Could have gotten into some serious shit there until HE actually back down. Must have been smart enough underneath that skullet to know that he was dealing with a  deranged woman.

 I was slightly apprehensive that she would just think that I was a doctor shopper for drugs. But, she turned out to be very sympathetic. I got some arthritis med, some Xanax, and 12 Ambien. So, right now, I am in a thankfully pleasantly sedated

The bad part about that is that I have been trying to wean myself off all psych drugs for a few months now. This is a major setback to that. But, at least I won’t be in the pokey trading ciggies for half eaten balogna sandwiches with a skullet-wearig butch named Teensey

 So….at this point in time, I’ll feed the sweet, siren song of the drugs. Otherwise, I might have to hone a insanity defense, which would probaly be totally true.

****This post was originally written about 3 yrs ago. No big emotional flare-ups since. Only bouts of depression ranging from mild to almost “ready to go see Mama”.

Tags: accidental homicide, accidental shooting, Ambien, big guns, bipolar, bipolar mania, boogerwoods, depression, gunslinger, insanity defense, LIFE, psych drugs, rage, redneck, revenge, Smith and Wesson, White Trash, women with guns

Vanity Makes Me Stupid…..

Still trying to catch up with stuff going on around here. So, I’m bringing out another old post from my first blog (on a private forum).  Sadly, I have to admit that it’s really true. You’d think that I’d be too embarrassed to admit some of this stuff but my need of being the center of attention over-rides my humility. Besides, if I can’t laugh at myself than I don’t have the right to laugh at anybody else. So, here goes……

 I had an appt today with a dermatologist. I thought my skin was looking tired and old. She suggested the newest treated for wrinkles, spots, acne, etc. It is called ALA-PDT. It uses short contact photo-dynamic therapy and 5-aminolevulinic acid.

In plain words, that means they paint an acid compound on your face and then you come back in two hours and set under a blue light for fifteen minutes.In a nutshell, you get your face burnt off so you have to grow new skin cells.

As soon as she starting painting me, I immediately knew that I was not going to like this. It kinda burned and tingled.  I should have listened to the little voice in my head that was saying, “Are you nuts? This is painful. RUN! RUN! RUN!” But, of course, I didn’t do that.She finished and  I had to leave for a couple of hours and then go back. While I gone, I figured that I’d just run on over to Wal Mart and pick up a few things.

While in WM, my face started itching so much,that I thought I would go completely mad. That was the worst itch I have ever had. So, since I had gunk painted all over my face and was itching so badly, I wanted out of there. So, I paid for my stuff and got to my car only to find out that I HAD LOCK MY DAMN KEYS in the car!!!!!

I hurried back into WM and ran right into the manager. Here I was with gunk painted all over my face and needing assistance. He turned out to be an exceptionally nice person. As luck would have it, he happened to own one of those Slim Jim tools. You know….the straight bar thingy that is inserted between the window and the lock. He went out to my car with me and tried to jimmy the lock but he had no luck car open with his slim jim. As I stated, he really was a very nice guy and wanted to help me. So he went across town to dealership and took my VIN number and they actually made a new key for him!!! Let me state here that they are not suppose to do that. He just happened to have a friend “on the inside” of the dealership.

I manged to stop scratching my face long enough to give him a big hug. My hero, Of course, he probably didn’t want a hug from a woman with stuff that looked like grey toothpaste  all over her face. Not to mention that I had begun to smell like chemicals from a paper-mill or worse.

Finally, I got back in my car and went to the doc office.You have to sit under the blue light for 15 straight minutes. My face was really starting to itch again, and HURT!!!

After what seemed like a prolonged period in Hell’s hottest room, I was done,and went straight home. My face is blood red. It looks like I’ve been skinned alive.I’m not exaggerating. 

It will hurt for at least 48 hours. Then the good part starts. All of the skin on my face will peel off. That did not really sounds so bad at the time. But, now I’m wondering if I can take it that long. I’m itching! OMG! I feel like somebody has thrown some of that prank itching powder on me.

I wrote the above about an hour ago.

I’m afraid to look in the mirror now. I’m thinking that I look like Mel Gibson in The Man Without A Face. 

45 minutes later……

Oh shit! Why did I go and look in that damn mirror?????  I sure hope no one shows up here without warning. It would scare the crap out of them. I just know that it would. Sure hope that Jehovah’s Witness lady doesn’t decide that I need more Watch Towers today. I wonder if the JW could sue me for wrongful death? Just had a thought…..what if she thinks that I’m possessed or something?

It’s been 3 hours now.

I have discovered that putting ice on my face is not a good idea. Wherever I put the ice, the area around it seems to itch even more. Why did I do this? Wrinkles are not thaaaat bad.  I now know the meaning of “one hot mess”.

4 hours…..My eyes are swollen. This is almost as bad as the permanent eyebrow tattooing that I got (that faded after a few months). Then, I looked like John L. Lewis. Now, I look like Freddie Kruger.

It’s been 6 hours. I’m dying. Yes, that’s it. I must be allergic to whatever that crap that she put on my face is. Maybe, I should call 9-1-1. What would I tell them (if I could even stand to hold the phone near my face)?

“phone rings”   “911 What’s your emergency?”

Me….”My face is melting! Send an ambulance…….and an ice mask…..one that will cover my entire face!”

This is so sad. I’m so vain that I will let an unverified woman who claims to be a dermatologist put what is apparently acid on my face! I should have checked her credentials. Now, here I am….face on fire and wondering whether to go to the ER.

This had sooooo better be worth it!

Well, it was not worth it. When I went back for a checkup, I was informed that it takes THREE treatments for this to work. I’m ashamed to admit that I actually went for the second treatment. But, I just couldn’t make myself go for the third. So, here I am…….still wrinkled.

Tags: acid on face, burnt face, dermatologist, laser face treatment, locking keys in car, stupid 911 call, vanity, why am I so stupid, wrinkle treatment, wrinkle treatments

Just Kill Me Now! Plus Alfie Not the Baby Daddy……

A few days ago, I was in Steak Escape to grab some lunch. It turned out to be crappy because they overcooked the meat to the point of eating leather. But, that’s neither here nor there as far as this post goes.

I was at the soda machine filling up one of those giganticbigass family size cups with Diet Coke when I heard, “Hey, I thought that was you! Girl, where ya been?”
I turned around and it was a girl that I had met several years ago. She worked at one of my favorite shopping in order to hoard the crap places and we just began talking whenever I went in (which was a helluva lot). Then, I worked at a jewelry store a couple of Christmas’ (to support my then habit of buying and giving away jewelry) and she became a regular customer.

Fern is a very intelligent, highly motivated college graduate who keeps seeming to hit brick walls when it comes to employment. She majored in business and computers and is now working at a low-bucks Sav-A-Lot grocery store. She admits that it might partly have to do with her poor choice in male friends, too. I hope that one day she’ll find a guy who will treat her well.

Fern has always enjoyed the better things in life despite her low or sometimes  total lack of income. Name brands, nice cars (nice Caddy), etc. So, it was not shocking to see her dressed to the nines and wearing lots of bling. I noticed a really cute red purse that she was carrying and was looking it over. As I turned it around, I said “What brand is this?”  She said,”Girl, what do you think? It’s Prada”.I love Fern to death but I think that purse was probably Parda…in other words FAKE. But, it was cute anyway.

Now, here is where it goes haywire. I have a terrible habit of imitating the speech habits….cadence, slang, etc. of whoever I’m talking with. Don’t mean to, just happens. Like another person has suddenly taken control of my vocal cords and mouth.

We’ve all had one (or in my case, many) of those moments when as soon as words leave your pie-hole, you wish with everything that was in you, you could suck ‘em back down? Well, that’s what happened.

Here’s what came out of my mouth when she said Prada:

“Niggah, pluuuuuuuzzzzzeeeee. Prada????”

OMG!!!! I don’t even know where that came from. It was like Wanda Sykes had hijacked my brain. Damn Sam in a Pepsi can!!!!!! WTF????? Here I am, whiter than a bleach alternative….German and Scotch ancestors…..we are talking TOTAL WHITEY here. More CRACKER than a box of Keebler’s saltines. I make Casper the Ghost look like he’s been lying in the hot Miami sun . And,  I swear I am not prejudice. Fern is one among many of my friends from different races and ethnicity. Fern looked at me like I had lost total control of my bowels and was taking a crap right  in the middle of The Steak Escape. It took both of us a minute to regain our composure. Slapmenowslapmenowslapmenowslapmenow!!!!!

I might also want to mention here that Fern could break me into, snapped like a twig in around 2 seconds time. She is a BEAST! I’m talking super-strong. Fern looks like a female version of Samuel L. Jackson. I’m always expecting to hear,

 “I’ve had it with these motherfuckin’ snakes on this motherfuckin’ plane!

Thank goodness, she knew that I am not racist or mean spirited. After an awkward 30 second silence, she (bless her heart) burst out laughing. She said, “Girl, you been listening to too much of that rap shit!”

I started to apologize but she stopped me and said that was the best laugh that she’d had in a while. Thank you, Fern, for your great sense of humor and especially for not considering kicking my ass right there in the Steak Escape.

So, today’s warm and freshly baked, warm and gooey shitcake goes to…..ME!

I just saw this and thought it was worth sharing…..

Sweet Deal: Teen Charged In Huge Candy Order

I can’t help wondering what he was going to do with all that candy?

By Associated Press

NBC 4

updated 3:15 p.m. ET, Tues., Feb. 10, 2009

MIDDLETOWN, Ohio – Police say an Ohio teenager tried to pull off a sweet deal, ordering more than $37,000 of candy online and charging it to his former high school.

Police say 18-year-old Jad Holmes used a purchasing number from Middletown High School to order thousands of lollipops and candy bars from Michigan-based The Goodies Factory. It wasn’t clear how he accessed the number.

The candy company became suspicious, contacted the school and was told by detectives to send an empty box.

Police say Holmes was arrested after the fake delivery to his home.

Holmes faces two counts of felony telecommunications fraud. He was being held in Middletown City Jail on more than $30,000 bond.

 

 

Also, speaking of dumb….

13 Year Old Daddy    That boy looks like he might have graduated to Pull Ups!

edited 2/19/09 I just saw on a cable news shows that Alfie, the 13 yr old is probably not the father of this baby. THANK GOODNESS! Seems that his 15 yr old sweetie was sleeping with 5 boys at the time that she conceived. One of the boys was Alfie’s older brother. Alfie’s and baby mama’s parents put their heads together and decided to name Alfie as the father. Why? Money, of course. They knew that pics of  pint-sized Alfie with the baby would bring money from the tabloids. They are real pieces of work! I feel sorry for the baby.

Tags: 13 yr old father, Alfie Patten, baby Maisie, boys steals 37 thousand dollars in candy, Chantelle Steadman, fooling the tabloids, friends, gangsta, goof-ups, Ho'Fo'Sho', lying about paternity, Prada, redneck, Samuel L. Jackson, scamming the media, scuzzyball parents, shitcake award, slang, small town living, snafu, Snakes on a Plane, stupid criminal, things that I shouldn't have said, White Trash, wigger

Velda Lou and the Pocket Postman….

I am in a tired stupor today. I started a post about a proposal from one of our thinking lawmakers. It’s a rare thing in West By Golly Stand Up and Holler Virginia to actually have a delegate who uses his gray matter before opening his mouth or voting on legislature. However, my brain is in a stupor today, too. So, I’ll save that until another day. In the meantime, check out this link so you’ll be prepared to either agree with me or rebut me.

NotWithMyTaxDollar  Now, go and check it out. Very interesting.

In lieu of a “thinking” post, I’m gonna just tell you what all took place this weekend in My Boogerwoods.

The local United States post office seems to generate a lot of good stories for me.  There was the time that I was not paying attention and put my outgoing mail into a Lion’s Club container that looked like the mailbox. And, it was sitting right by the real mailbox. But, it was a container to drop off old glasses for redistribution by the Lion’s Club. Let me tell ya….it turned into a major headache. No one at the post office knew who had the key to that box. I had to go through the phone book and find out which Lion’s Club was responsible for that container. It took 3 days before I could get in contact with the Grand Poop-pah or whatever is the title. It took another 2 days for him to get time to go unlock the box and get my mail out. However, he was kind enough to stick it in the real mailbox for me and saved me a trip back to the post office.

Then there was the time that I had a bunch of bills to mail. I jumped out of my car with my mail in one hand and a diet Coke in the other.I was planning on throwing my mail in the box and running into the bread/pastry store next door. Now, I’ll admit that I’m not real co-ordinated.One of my neighbors hollered at me as she was pulling out of the parking lot and I carelessly stuck the arm with the diet Coke in the box. I realized what I had done just about 1 1/2 seconds too late. A delayed reflex caused me to try to grab the Coke before it hit all of the paper and mail in the box, thereby ruining  it. In a state of panic, I jammed my arm too far in the box and somehow got it stuck. The lid/trap door opening had partially closed and wouldn’t budge. I don’t know if a hinge had broken, a screw had rusted, or an arm-grabbing  troll was residing in the box. But, somehow, I was unable to pull my arm out. I still to this very day can’t figure out what had come loose, broken, or whatever in the box. This was the freakiest freak accident that I could ever remember starring me. Think of the kids who climb in the quarter toy machines and then can’t get out. That’s what it was like. I found myself in a seemingly impossible predicament. To make matters worse, I was on my tip-toes. There I was, arm in box and having to stand on tip-toes in order to not injure myself. 

I believe in angels. And, one came along within less than a minute. I’m sure that it had to have been less than a minute even though it seemed like much longer. This angel came in the form of a tiny little old guy with the sweetest face.

“Are ya stuck, honey,” he asked me.

“Sure am”, I replied. “Got any ideas how I can get my arm out without twisting it off?”

“Yep, I do” he said. And, without another word, he went back to his car and got some things out. I could see that he had one of those long poled snow cleaners. The ones that you can reach on top of your car and knock off the snow. And, in his other hand he had….a tub of butter.

What or earth? BUTTER and a pole? I briefly wondered if he was some kind of sicko who wanted to torture me while I was stuck. Shame on me, though! My elderly hero calmly butter up the pole and stuck it in the box. Then, he proceeded to rub the buttered pole all over my arm and as far down my hand as he could see. Then, he got more butter and repeated it. I remember just wondering why was he carrying around a tub of butter. As he was buttering me up, he told me that he had just come from the grocery store. I swear you would have thought this kind of stuff happened every day in his life. He never batted an eye or made any comments about how stupid I was to get myself in that situation. That’s why I think that he made have been an angel.

With the butter as a lubricant, I slowly moved and turned my arm until I felt it sliding right back up and out of the mail slot/opening.  I had a couple of scratches which were probably from screws that had rusted from somebody else’s diet Coke.To this day, that little old guy is one of my heroes. And, I hope that if he really was an angel, he won’t tattled to the Big Guy about the words I was saying when he first saw me. This incident was right up there with the time that I got stuck under my bed and the time that I got stuck in my garage.  Everyone has a talent and I do believe mine is getting stuck in places or things. And, I am damn good at it, too!

This weekend, I found out that my local postmaster is getting married!  My local postmaster is truly one of the nicest people that I have ever met. But, he’s had a real history of bad marriages. His first wife and I went to school together. Nice girl, but excessively hairy. No joke. She looked like she was wearing  mohair  long johns all year long. His second wife was a nice looking blond. Not sure what happened there.
Now, he is getting married again. His bride-to-be is named Velda Lou. R, the postmaster, is not a bad looking guy. He has a great sense of humor, too. His biggest drawback…..he’s the size of Gary Coleman. So, I refer to him as my pocket postman.
His soon to be bride is about 6 foot tall. She looks like a man with that long hair preferred by some religious sects. Oh, yeah, she wears culottes (no, not clam diggers, not 3/4 length pants)……real old fashioned culottes that she sews herself.

This is what kept running thru my head all afternoon…….Veldo Lou, the Culotte Wearing Vixen and the Pocket Postmaster. What a great title for a book!!!!!! Or, low-budget movie.

So, congrats to R and V. Hope you live happily ever after.

Last night, I went to see the movie, The Wrestler. I really enjoyed it.  I thought that I might have a hard time concentrating on the storyline due to the plastic surgery that Mickey Rourke had. But, that was not the case. Rourke was excellent in this movie and in a few short minutes, I had completely blocked the picture of Rourke in 9 1/2 Weeks with Kim Basinger.

 

It was a completely different Mickey on the screen…….

MR was totally immersed in his character, Randy The Ram. And,  Marisa Tomei played a character so believable that I was not a bit shocked at her stripper’s nudity. She plays “Cassity” who is pretty much over-the-hill in age for a  stripper. “Cassity” is really Pam, a single mom trying to earn a living in a sleazy strip joint.

OK…no more about the movie. You gotta go see it!

I’m sure that part of my enjoyment of the movie came from the fact that my aunts and my mom were “rasslin’ fanatics”. I’ve written posts about this craziness. You might remember my aunt who moved from WV to Charlotte, NC in order to stalk her fav wrestlers, Rick  Flair and Randy Savage. Her daughter was totally infatuated with Leapin’ Lannie. Then there was my other aunt who attacked a wrestler named Pistol Pez after a match in which he hit her fav wrestler with a chair. She began to beat him around the neck and head with her purse. It was ugly. Security was called. I know this because I was the one who drove her and my Mom to the National Guard armory to watch the matches. I did not like going to these events but I did love my Mama and would take her when she wanted to go.

Yesterday morning, we saw our first bear track of the season. It seems a little early for the black bears to be roaming and I was a little skeptical when TrailerParkKen told me that he had spotted it. But, sure enough, it was a bear track. I’ve gotta sorta use to wild critters roaming around my house. I’ve learned to be observant and cautious when going outside, especially during the summer. I’m still a little afraid of the beastsbut have learned to not panic. The worse scare that I’ve had so far was not even from a bear. It was from a big-ass turkey. I wrote a post about that incident a while back. Here I was…..minding my own business, using the bathroom (really minding my business), when I heard loud, hard knocks coming from somewhere. I quickly pulled up my jeans and went to see what the heck was causing the racket. It was a really big-ass turkey knocking on the glass door of the family room. I tried scaring him away but he was determined to come into the house. That monster bird was pecking the glass so hard that I was sure he would break it. Finally, I started throwing stuff at the glass door and he finally waddled away.

So, that’s it……another adventurous weekend in The Boogerwoods!

Tags: 2 strikes you're out, big-ass turkey, boogerwoods, culotte wearing vixen, Delegate Craig Blair, drug punishment, Leapin' Lanny, Marisa Tomei, Mickey Rourke, Pistol Pez, Pocket Postmaster, Randy Savage, rasslin', rasslin' fanatics, Rick Flair, The Wrestler, wild critters, WV welfare

In Memory of My Really Crazy Aunt…

I’ve been really, really busy lately. I’ve neglected my blog and my blogging buddies. I apologize to all of you for coming around to your blogs lately. I promise to try to catch up as soon as I possibly can.

This is an older post from another blog that I once had. The blog was a private blog so few people have read it. I’ve decided to share it here with y’all. My blogging friends and regular readers already know that I have some really dysfun (funny)ctional people in my family. This story is just about another one of them.

Cleaning out some stuff in the closet today, I came across some old newspaper clippings that I had kept for one reason or another.

One article was about a murder in a nearby county. Three men had taken another man up into the backwoods and tortured him. It just so happened that those backwoods bordered my aunt’s property. The guys eventually killed the guy. No one knew what happened to him. He was missing and that’s all the law enforcement knew. One day, my aunt, who spent a lot of her time outside in her garden, saw her dog gnawing on something that looked like an animal part. Upon closer inspection, she discovered that it was a human leg. (Yes, that is true.)It was identified as the leg of the missing man. This resulted in law enforcement finding out all the rest of the details.
That’s the awful part of the story. But, take heed, there is always something funny when it comes to my family.

First, my aunt was getting senile. She thought her name was Maude Aimee (which it wasn’t). And she thought she was married to Jack VanImpe, the popular televangelist.
So, I think that you can get the pic that she wasn’t just “right” in the head.

The trial of the men came up and of course, she was called as a witness. Poor “Maude Aimee”. She was really backwoods and therefore, totally at lost in the courtroom.

It came her turn for the witness stand. She got up there. The DA asked her if she had found the man’s leg. She verified that she did. Then, he asked her if she had found any other body parts. Here we go………

She looked at him sternly and said, “I ain’t had time to go looking fer no man’s parts. I been busier than a whore in a c** swallowing contest.”

Oh lordy!!!!!  My aunt would have never, ever have talked liked this before she started her transition into “Maude Aimee”.

Then, she said that maybe they should ask her husband. The DA looked confused because he knew that she had been widowed years before. So, he said, “Mrs. A, did you get remarried?”

My aunt looked shocked and said,

The DA said, “I thought your husband died several years back.”
She said, “Hell no, my husband was just on TV this morning. And, you listen here….you’d better start living right before it’s too late for your soul”.

A recess was called and the DA questioned “Maude Aimee” a bit.  That’s when she told him that her husband was the televangelist, Jack VanImpe. The DA had to strike most of her testimony, even though she was an important part of the case. The DA did, thankfully, manage to get a conviction, though.

The last time that we went to see her was to tell her about my mom’s death. Bless her heart, she didn’t even remember who we  OR  my mom  OR  her brother was.

She died a few years ago. But, that woman gave me one of the best laughs of my life. God rest her soul.

“edited to add”…… Heather posted a correction. Jack VanImpe’s wife is not Maude Aimee in real life. Maude Aimee is/was the wife of Rex Humbard, another televangelist. Maybe, my aunt was even more mixed up than we realized as she insisted her name was Maude Aimee and her husband was JVI.

Tags: dementia, dog finds man's leg, Jack VanImpe, Maude Aimee Van Impe, my crazy aunt, televangelist, true family story

My Posse Of Really Old Dudes…Senior Homies!

I’m still cleaning out my other blog. It was on a forum and I was pretty lax about spelling, grammar, and what-not .Well, actually, I still am negligent about a lot of that stuff.

This is another post from that blog. In it’s original post, it was a continuation of a previous post. I’ve tweaked it a bit and hope that it will make sense standing alone.

I’ve got recent stuff to write about but it seems like my life has been really hectic lately. And I just don’t have the time to write about current stuff. Is it just me or do you guys find that technology such as computers, new cameras, and all that crap is making your life more complicated?  I have more things but less time to do anything with them.

Oh well….on with the Barbie freak show……

As some of you know, I love auctions and go a couple of times a month. I’ve been doing it for about 2 years now. I’ve gotten some really neat stuff. But, it hit me tonight at the auction that I’ve gotten more than that out of it. I have became pretty good friends with some fairly elderly men there. Nothing sexual. Let’s get that straight right up front. These guys make me laugh more than almost anyone in the world. They are great storytellers. They rib each other in the rawest ways. They tell stuff on each other. I’m glad that I have met each and every one of them.

One of the oldest guys, Mr. Lilly, is in his 80′s. Tall and thin as a string bean. Weathered face with lots of interesting wrinkles and creases. Tonight he came in with something behind his back. He came over to me and told me he had me a present. Then he handed me a miniature, really old ceramic toilet. I had mentioned it once when it was up for auction. I thought it was odd and different. and I wanted it for my TrailerPark doll collection. They need to crap, too, ya know! He bought it for me!!!!! How thoughtful is that? I can now truthfully say that one of the sweetest things that has ever happened in my life was when a really old dude bought be a toilet at an auction.

A little while back, another of the ODP (old dude posse) came to the auction bearing a gift for me. It was an old urine sample bottle. LMAO He knows that I love collecting unusual and weird things. It is sitting on my shelf in my office right along with the miniature dollhouse commode.

One of my other old guy friends is Mr. Persinger, whom I call “Percy”. He has a wooden leg.  Percy got shot in the leg by a jealous husband back in his younger days. The guy suspected his wife was cheating with Percy and started spying on his wife. One night, his suspicion was validated. He caught Percy and his wife doing the dirty deed right in his own bed. Percy was a real ladies’ man in his prime.

Tonight he came in and was walking really funny, kinda swaying back and forth. He sat down next to me and I asked him what was wrong. He said, “I put my g**damned leg on backwards!” He sat there and switched it around. 

But, my very favorite is Kirk. He is the sweetest man that I have ever met. Kirk is close to 70 and owns an antique shop. Whenever I want to, I go to his shop and he lets me pick out anything that I want. I sell it on eBay for him and he gives me HALF the money. He doesn’t even take out his original cost. And, if there is something that I have my eye on personally, he always tries to give it to me.

 Tonight,Kirk was telling a tale about him, Percy, and this other guy. They went to an auction a couple of nights ago and took one of those remote control fart machines. They set it under a cushion in an empty seat between two older women. Every once in a while, they’d hit the button and……frrrrrrtttttt! He said that the two women kept stealing looks at each other. Each thought the other one was farting! Finally, one said something about it to the other one…..about it being rude and tasteless to do that in public. The second one said, “I thought it was you!’
Meanwhile, Kirk and the Old Dude Posse’ were sitting behind them cracking up. Then, just like little kids, they took it to a restaurant, where they randomly set it off.

I truly do love these old codgers. They let me share in all their stories, gags, everything. But, with the exception of Percy, these guys are true gentlemen. They never curse around me. I will overhear them talking amongst themselve and using lots of bad language. But, as soon as one of them spots me, not another curse word is spoken.

It’s pretty wonderful to me that I can feel so comfortable and fit in with these guys. Wish all my relationships could be this easy.

5-26-09 Since I wrote this, Percy died from cancer. He touched my life with his jokes, gags, and stories. I truly miss him.

I think that people write off old people. We become too busy to stop and listen to them. That’s a shame since they truly can enrich our lives. If you have an old person in your life, give them the re spect that they deserve. And, if you will just take a few minutes to listen to one of their stories, I swear you will not be sorry.

R.I.P Percy

Also, I quit going to auctions except for a rare occasion. My collecting things was getting out of hand. Plus, I found myself “mercy bidding” too often. That’s when the aucitoneer is working his ass off trying to get bids on wothless crap that nobody wanted. I’d end up bidding out of pity. After “pitty bidding” auctions, I’d stop and throw the stuff in a dumpster. This started added up to big-o bucks and I had to quit doing it. So, I don’t see my old posse dudes very often anymore. I sure do miss them a lot!

Tags: auctions, cheating wife, elderly men, elderly people, fart gag, friends, miniature commode, old dude posse, shot for cheating, tall tales from short guys, urine sample bottle, wooden leg mishap

Another Story About My Senior Homies

Another excerpt from my other blog…..

 

Today, my friend, the one that owns an antique store called me. He said that he had a man that wanted to sell an antique sapphire necklace. He wanted to know if I would go help him out and maybe, list it on ebay. He is so good to me that I agreed to to do it. I got the directions to the guy’s house and drove over there. Here’s how it went…..

Ring doorbell
80ish year old guy answers and wants to know who I am.
I tell him and he tells me to come in.
I ask him where the necklace is and he tells me it’s in a back room and he has to find it. So, fine. We go look for it. It turns out that this guy has a collection of EVERYTHING that he has EVER owned. Old newspapers, stuffed animals, CEREAL BOXES, every doo-dad know to man and much, much, much more.

So, he and I are looking thru stuff. About 15 minutes in to the search, I hear this….

“What are we looking for?”

Huh???????

“The necklace that you want me to sell for you.”

“Oh yeah. That’s right.”

Back to the search. About 10 more minutes pass and I hear…..

“What did you say we were looking for?”

OMG!!!!!

“Remember the sapphire necklace? The one you want me to put on Ebay?”

“Yeah. That’s right. It’s in here somewhere.”

Back to the search. And I swear on my granny’s grave, this is what I hear AGAIN….

“What am I looking for, again?”

Oh jeez….now what am I suppose to do? I’m in a strange 80 yr old man’s house and he’s obviously suffering from memory loss. So, I said……

“I don’t know what we’re looking for. Maybe, I had better come back when we figure it out.”

And he says….

“Well, what in the hell are you doing in here if you don’t know what you are looking for?”

This is where I ’bout lost it. The whole thing struck me as sooooo damn funny that I was almost in pain trying not to laugh.

I figured that I had to do something PDQ. So, I just told him that I had gotten a headache and needed to go to my car and get some Tylenol. And I did. Go to my car, that is. I did not get Tylenol.  I drove off. I got home and called my friend and told him what happened. I hung up on him when he wouldn’t quit laughing. I’m still not sure if he set me up or if the guy really had a necklace.

That old goat has a strange sense of humor. I’ll get him back some way. When he least expects it, I’ll do something!

For now, I’ll give him the shitcake award……

Tags: eBay, memory loss, my senior homies, pranked, shitcake award

White Trash Explanation of Stimulus Package….

 

I’m confused. I’ve been trying to research and understand the stimulus plan put forth by the Obama administration. Finally, I found a clear and easily understood explanation. And, here it is:

I don’t know about y’all but this mammoth pile of papers that nobody has read scares me. I don’t feel like I/we are part of the decision making in our government any longer. What’s next?

Today’s piece of  whole freshly baked shitcake (with my famous mystery chocolate frosting) goes to all the Democrats and the chicken-shit Republicans that are voting for this mess.

 

“editing “just because I can…..ain’t free speech great?

A friend of mine pointed me to this great link where you, yes YOU, can apply for some of the stimulus money. Check it out……

I did and looky, looky at this……

“Congratulations!

Your request has been approved! CLICK HERE  to view your stimulus and to roam around in $800 billion worth of other giveaways. Your program is buried in Title III, Subtitle A.”

Now, don’t go thinking that’s is all easy as pie. Notice that mine was buried in Title III Subtitle A. I had to read a lot of baloney (some of it very wordyMcword) to get to the paydirt. Don’t give up if  your request is granted (and it will be). Wade thru the gobbilygook til you get to the money part.

Now, go on, y’all. Get your piece of the pie. Here’s the   FREE MONEY  to lead you to high-livin’, permanent vacation lifestyles. BE sure to post a nice thank-you to ReasonOnline who made my dream come true!

BTW….I applied for money to establish a research team for the study of lazy people’s habits.

One more thing…..don’t leak it to that Donna, the Socialist, who has been commenting. Of course, she’s probably too busy drinking the latest batch of kool-aid to notice this anyway.

edited again!…..I didn’t expect this post to cause so much controversy. There are already over 75 comments. The comments are worth reading if you would  like to see the difference in the way people think about the stimulus plan. Don’t hesitate to add your own comments on how you see the stimulus plan and it’s chance of working/not working. This is getting pretty interesting. So, jump on in……

Tags: act now to get stimulus money, apply for stimulus money, debating government assitance programs, ex-pats, fear, free money, free stimulus money for everyone, government waste, handouts, handups, Head Start, how to figure your stimulus rebate, ignorance, lots of money for everyone, milking the system, obama, Politics, shitcake, shitcake award, stimulus plan, welfare, welfare bums, West Virginia, where is America?, white trash explanation of stimulus plan

Octuplet Mom With Travis and Jonathan

TWO POSTS IN LESS THAN 15 MINUTES. What am I thinking? A good blogger should pace themselves. But, this is so funny that I couldn’t wait to share it with my blogging buddies.

 

There is really nothing funny when it comes to those babies. They are going to need all kinds of help….financial, physical, and definitely psychological. But, as far as I’m concerned, ol’ Swollen Lips is fair game to poke fun at.

Let’s all remember to pray for those innocent kids.

Tags: 8 babies, Nadya Suleman, octuplet mom, redneck point of view on 8 babies, white trash video on octuplets

My Run-In With “The Ladies Man”…

 

 

I’ve been totally jazzed up about my stimulus check!!!! In fact, I’ve been so excited that I crept down into the basement and borrowed one of my husband’s hammer. Had to be really quiet since he doesn’t like loaning out his tools. Thank goodness that I remember to stick it in the dishwasher and then wipe it down with alcohol wipes before I put it back. I have a sneakin’ suspicion that he can smell the scent of another human on his t ool equipment hammer. “Tool” and “equipment” could have been taken the wrong way. Not to say, that he can’t smell another human on his……oh boogers, you know what I mean.

Anyway, I borrowed the hammer to break my little pink piggy bank that says, “EMERGENCIES ONLY!” in big black letters on the sides.  However, I felt justified doing that since I’m gonna be able to replace the $13.00 that I took out just as soon as I get that big ol’ check at the United States Post Office!

Now, remember, regular readers (the number is almost in double digits now), I am a compulsive shopper. And, obsess about things that I could’ve/should’ve purchased when I was last in a department store. I’ve tried to reason with myself saying if I had wanted/needed it that badly, I would have bought it then. Never works. Never ever ever. It doesn’t work because I cannot fool myself. I, simply put, LOVE shopping. I know that it’s a quick-fix for whatever is going badly in life.  (fancy psycho babble…lol) And, most likely, I will never be able to totally overcome it. Oh well, could be worse. I shop clearance and sales thus avoiding spending huge amounts of money and losing my home. The money doesn’t really amount to all that much. It’s the time that I spend plus all the crap piling up sometimes that’s the problems.

Being the seasoned and serious consumer that I am, I didn’t let the 6 inches of snow (and bigass flakes still fallin’) stop me from hopping in my car and heading out. With visions of cash registers ringing, I headed to my favorite store. This store is a local chain and it has the best clearance sales in the whole country. We’re not talking Faded Glory or Tuff Skins stuff. We’re talking Lauren, Ann Taylor, Nike, and the like. I started sweating just thinking about all those $2 and $3 items. I could buy six $2 and have enough for tax or I could buy four $3 items and have the tax. I was trembling in anticipation.

That store was unusally crowded with the  roads were so slick and the snow  still falling. But, I’m pretty good at darting in and out of a crowd. Not braggin’, but you should see me on black Friday, the day after Thanksgiving. If medals were given, I’d win the gold everytime. I’m the Michael Phelps of shopping except I’m not stupid enough to let anybody snap my picture with a bong. I do have a bong, though. No, I don’t use it. I bought it at an auction with other crap that I don’t use. It’s an original and probably dates back to the original hippie movement. Not that the bong has anything to do with this story, just thought I’d throw that in for the heck of it.

I browsed the store for a while and checked out the clearance racks in each and every department. That’s a big part of my problem. I don’t have any babies, extra-large men, or skinny teenagers who wear size zero. Nonetheless, I’m not satisfied until I look at everything.  The shoe department was a bonanza of bargains. This store marks stuff down to MOVE and there were lots of name brand shoes marked to just a few bucks. I found a pair of  Softees that were really cute. They were flats, black with a gold buckle. It sounds like I’m describing Pilgrim shoes but they were not like that. The shoes were marked down to THREE BUCKS and even though, they were one-half size too small….HEY! Who could pass up that deal? I figured that they might stretch after a few wears. Of course, my reasonable side was telling me that I had several pairs of shoes in my closet that were one-half size too small and they never stretched to fit. But, maybe, this one pair would. If not, they would go into one of the Goodwill boxes that I manage to make myself fill a few times a year.

I wandered over to the lingerie/pj department. I found a pair of pj’s that were a couple of sizes too big but they were only $4!!!!! Since they were all cotton, I thought that they may shrink a little in a hot wash. If not, they would go into the Goodwill box…….

Then, I spotted the marked down Valentine stuff! JACKPOT!!!! Boxes of candy marked 75% off ! Admittedly, it was the crappy left-over candy that nobody wants but I figured that I could freeze it and give it to somebody that wasn’t too choosy with their chocolates.

I looked at the clock over the doorway and realized that I had been in there much longer than I thought that I had. Two hours had passed and I hadn’t even checked the Big Man XXXXL stuff yet. Out of all the stuff that I just listed that I looked at or bought, the XXXL stuff makes the most sense. Usually, items in this size bring fairly good money on eBay. Except lately, eBay has been hit hard by the economy and most stuff either doesn’t sell or doesn’t make a profit if it does sell.  Common sense took over for once and I decided to bypass that department and go check-out.

As I said, this is a fairly small department store and it only has a total of six registers. In the many times that I have shopped there, I have never seen all 6 registers open at the same time. This day was no exception and only 3 registers were opened. And, all 3 had fairly long lines at them. I’m one of those people who will change registers everytime that I think one might be moving faster than the others. Of course, this is always a stupid move because just as soon as I get in another line, it stops moving. After changing register lines twice, I figured that I’d be just as well off staying at the one that I was currently in.

Stores put all kinds of stuff around the registers to entice us to buy while standing in line. Of course, I almost always fall for this type of marketing. But, this day, luckily, I couldn’t spot a darn thing that beckoned me to BUY BUY BUY! I resigned myself to just standing and waiting. Then, a man behind me started talking to me and since this is a good way to pass register-standing time, I talked back.

He was buying several pair of  black silk boxer shorts with Valentine’s hearts on them. Marked to $1.00, I noticed this with my trained “red-tagged/clearance sticker” trained eye. He was, also, buying some of those over-the-counter reading glasses…..the ones that are really just magnifyers. Those were marked to 25 cents each. I commented that I should buy some of those because I had spent several days going to optician’s places to get my new eye-prescription filled. I told him that the price of glasses had more than doubled since I had bought any. We start chit-chatting and I begin having this nagging feeling that I had met him somewhere before this day. Then it hit me! He reminded me of Leon Phelps, The Ladies Man. Leon is a character played by Tim Meadows and started as a skit on Saturday Nite Live but then later was made into a movie.

                                   Leon Phelps : What is love? What is this longing in our hearts for togetherness? Is it not the sweetest flower? Does not this flower of love have the fragrant aroma of fine, fine diamonds? Does not the wind love the dirt? Is not love not unlike the unlikely not it is unlikened to? Are you with someone tonight? Do not question your love. Take your lover by the hand. Release the power within yourself. Your heard me, release the power. Tame the wild cosmos with a whisper. Conquer heaven with one intimate caress. That’s right don’t be shy. Whip out everything you got and do it in the butt. By Leon Phelps

OK…I now begin to think of this guy as Leon Phelps and the heartsy silk boxer shorts were making a lot of sense.

Leon Phelps : “My name is Leon Phelps, and to those of you that are uninitiated, I am an expert in the ways of love. I have made love to many fine ladies from the lowliest bus station skank to the classiest most sophisticated, educated, debutant, high society… bus station skank. “

Now, I was having a hard time listening to what he was saying without picturing him cruising bus stations for skanks while wearing his Valentine clearance boxers.I forced myself to quit thinking about this and be polite enough to listen to what he was saying. He was telling me about some female friends of his that had ordered their eyeglasses from the internet. I had never even thought about doing that and didn’t even know that it could be done. So, I was a bit intrigued by the idea and asked him from what site on the internet were they ordering . “Leon” moved a little closer to me  in a chummy sorta way. He was ending every sentence with a great big, bad-wolf-like smile. He said that if I would give him my cellphone number, he would find out more info and give me a call. Then out of the clear blue, he asked me where I lived and did I have a husband.

This was a big OMG! moment. Leon was hitting on me.  I’m no Angelina Jolie but I’m no Phyllis Diller, either. I’ve had my share of flirting but most of it was before I had become a middle aged mother of two adult daughters. Still, I know when someone is coming on to me. And, “Leon” was!

I did some really quick thinking and told him that I did not own a cellphone.  I told him that I found them to be annoying and did not desire the constant interruptions that cellphone bring with them. This is partly true…..as you will see. I do find cellphones to be annoying. I hate to here them constantly ringing and hate, even more, to hear people talking/shouting to someone on the other line anywhere and everywhere. Either there are a lot of deaf people calling people with cellphones or people just don’t realize that others cannot help hearing every word of their personal conversations since they are talking so loudly.

Then it happened as if on cue. The damn cellphone in my purse started to ring. Not knowing what else to do, I just pretended that I didn’t hear it. Leon, with his dazzling smile, was looking very puzzled. The cellphone kept ringing. Leon asked me if that ringing was coming from my purse. I said no. The cellphone stopped ringing and I felt a huge sense of relief.

Then, it started ringing again. I was pretty positive that it was TrailerParkSkipper, who never gives up calling until I answer. Now, Leon was staring at me. He said that he was pretty sure that the ringing was coming from my purse. I insisted that it was not. The clerk was now giving me a funny look. The phone kept ringing. I ignored it. Leon was looking at me in a “you are crazy, lady” way. BUT, he was still trying to look what I think was his “come to big daddy” look.

THE LADIES MAN….Leon Phelps..” I will probably begin with a very classy first line… something like: say, sweet thing, can I buy you a fish sandwich? ”

OK….I could do one of two things at that moment. I could put on my “oh, how silly of me. It seems that I do own a cellphone” act. Or, I could cut and run. I chose the second.

For the first time in a long, long time (if ever), I laid my items down and fled the store.  I rushed to my car, hunkered down so as not to be seen, and waited until I saw The Ladies Man exit the store with his bag of silk boxer shorts. Then, I went back in, scooped up my items and paid. The clerk asked me if everything was alright since she had witnessed me leaving like my ass was on fire. I told her that I had remembered that I had left my money in my car and had to go get it.

She said that she thought it was because of the guy hitting on me in line. She said that she had to bite her lip to keep from laughing when my cellphone rung.

Thank goodness that I hadn’t just imagined that.  The lesson that I learned from this is to remember to turn my cellphone either off or on vibrate.

Vibrate…..I think Leon would like that word.

 

Tags: $13 stimulus check, annoying cellphones, bus station skanks, caught in a big lie, compulsive shopping, economy, flirting, heart boxer shorts, how I spent my sitmulus check, Leon Phelps, money matters, Obama's stimulus plan, skanks, SNL characters, The Ladies Man

Top 10 Country and Western Songs….

I’ve seen a Top 10 C &W list before but this one is new to me. I got this in my email today and thought a few of you might get a chuckle or two from it.

Top Ten Country & Western Songs.

 

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine

 

9.  I Ain’t Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a Few

 

8.  If The Phone Don’t Ring, You’ll Know It’s Me

 

7.  I’ve Missed You, But My Aim’s Improvin’

 

6.  Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dogfight ‘Cause I’m Scared She’d Win

 

5.  I’m So Miserable Without You It’s Like You’re Still Here

 

4.  My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him

 

3.  She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger

 

2.  She’s Lookin’ Better with Every Beer

 

And the Number One Country & Western song is . . .

 

1.  It’s Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day Long.

 

 

Tags: bad country and western songs, chewed my ass, dogfight, funny top 10 list, Humor, my wife ran off, redneck music, Top 10 Country Western Song Titles, ugly woman

Goddess Bunny…..

I can’t decide if this is the freakiest, saddest, or weirdest thing that I have ever seen. Whatever it is, I don’t think you will want to watch it more than once.

While searching for a YouTube clip from the turgid 1958 drama The Goddess ( Paddy Chayevsky’s thinly veiled story about Marilyn Monroe as interpreted by the amazing Kim Stanley), I instead came across footage of L.A.’s very own Goddess Bunny.

To hell with Marilyn! In a tinsely town where beautiful blondes are a dime-a-dozen (and chewed up and spit out and occasionally jailed by the hour) The Goddess Bunny is one L.A. Woman who stands out! In fact “her” very existence is a political act of performance art that surpasses one and all! All hail The Goddess Bunny!  Her star shines the brightest in this dull firmament!

 

For those not in the loop, here is a description of The Goddess Bunny lifted from one of the YouTube postings:

 

“Johnnie Baima is an American drag queen. Baima suffered a difficult childhood, being struck by polio and severely abused as a boy. As an adult he became a drag queen and changed his name to Sandie Crisp, gaining an enormous following in the Hollywood gay and transgendered subculture.

The Goddess Bunny is both the name of his alter-ego and the name of a rare 90 minute VHS documentary about Baima. As well as Johnnie’s following in the gay and transgender community, he has also attained some notoriety in mainstream culture by appearing in Marilyn Manson’s Dope Show music video”

I first learned of TGB while hanging out at the mondo bizarro video store Mondo Video A-Go-Go (back when it was still on Vermont Avenue, back when Vermont Avenue was still lowlife-friendly). I think they were taking donations for The Goddess Bunny’s Dildo Fund. Those kooks! I later ran into TGB at one of the Hollywood Forever movie screenings. TGB was in her motorized wheelchair near the restrooms at the entrance, plugged into a socket as her chair’s battery needed recharging. I asked if she needed help but she very matter-of-factly said “no.” I really wanted to have a conversation and learn MORE MORE MORE about this fascinating person but TGB seemed to prefer to just sit and wait in silence while her battery recharged. Without a doubt one of THE most interesting personalities — gay, straight or transgendered — in town! from….Papermag.

Tags: dancing Bunny, Goddess Bunny, transvestite dancing, weird video

1947—PEOPLE OF THE WORLD—-HEAR US!!!

Received this in my email from a good friend. Thought that I’d share it. It explains a lot of strange happenings in Washington and other places in the US. government..

 

1947

 Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico.

 This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations. However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948, nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:

Albert A. Gore, Jr.

 Hillary Rodham

John F. Kerry

 William J. Clinton

 Howard Dean

 Nancy Pelosi

 Dianne Feinstein

Charles E. Schumer

 Barbara Boxer

I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you. It did for me. No wonder they support the bill to help illegal aliens! Now You Know.

Tags: Al Gore, alien space ship, Barbara Boxer, Bill Clinton, flying saucers, hillary clinton, illegal aliens, nancy pelosi, Roswell

Two Strikes…..You’re Broke!!!!!

  

 

I’ve grown so use to the WV powers that be doling out tax money to people who simply won’t work, people who fake injuries, unwed mothers (check out this  Marriage Bonus  )that would put the Octo-Mom to shame that I was seriously surprised to see an article in my local newspaper about this: 

Not With My  Tax Dollars….. 

“Welcome to NotWithMyTaxDollars.com where you can learn about my proposed legislation to drug test recipients of Welfare, Unemployment and Food Assistance (formally known as Food Stamps). 

 

Nowhere in our state or U.S. constitutions is it mandated that financial assistance is a right.  Make no mistake, it is a privilege afforded to those in need by the taxpayers via our federal and state governments.  Also, unemployment compensation premiums are currently paid by the employer, not the employee; however that may change very soon.  We should also remember that illicit drug use is illegal.  It is a crime that has criminal penalties.

 

I think it’s time that we get serious about the problem of illegal drug users abusing our public assistance system in West Virginia. We should require random drug testing for every individual receiving welfare, food assistance or unemployment benefits.  After all, more and more employers are requiring drug testing. Why not make sure that people who are supposed to be looking for work are already prequalified by being drug free?

 

Furthermore, encouraging just one drug addicted, welfare supported mother or father, to get clean, would save potentially thousands upon thousands of dollars.  For every child born who is inflicted with a lifelong drug abuse related disease, the taxpayer’s incurred expense could be in the hundreds of thousands and potentially millions of dollars. 

 

Opponents claim that this legislation will hurt the children.  Evidence clearly indicates that drug addicted parents are the ones truly inflicting the harm.  This bill actually helps to protect the children.  Someone who fails a drug test will be given two months to get clean before assistance is cut off.  Any good parent would clearly choose their children’s best interest over illegal drugs.  And, maybe financial resources or the lack there of will be a greater cessation motivator than the addiction itself.  Remember, the upfront drug testing expense is minimal compared to the backside taxpayer incurred burden. 

 

As for the constitutional issue, it has never been considered by the US Supreme Court.  Furthermore, “Big Brother” already invades welfare recipient’s lives by requiring proof of need via payroll receipts and bank account information.  Interestingly enough, employees can get fired from their job for drug usage, yet receive unemployment compensation benefits which in turn drives up the cost of employer paid unemployment premiums. 

 

In essence, I believe that this bill will be constitutional.  Opponents of this bill are either enablers of bad (illegal) behavior or drug abusers.  And, they’ve yet to offer a viable alternative to this legislation.

 

It’s time we start respecting the taxpayer and get serious about fixing this problem.”

                                                 – Delegate Craig Blair

  

 

  

 

 

 And, he is absolutely right.      “We should also remember that illicit drug use is illegal”. 

Somebody, give me one damn good reason that we should be paying people to be criminals. 

Yes, I do like that proposal. 

But, I am embarrassed that the following was thought up by one of our own legislators: 

TODAY staff and wire

updated 9:21 a.m. ET, Wed., March. 4, 2009

Barbie could get an unwelcome present for her 50th birthday: outlawed in West Virginia. 

A state lawmaker proposed a bill Tuesday to ban sales of the iconic Mattel doll and others like her. 

The Barbie Ban Bill, proposed by Democratic Delegate Jeff Eldridge (D) Lincoln County, says such toys influence girls to place too much importance on physical beauty, at the expense of their intellectual and emotional development.  

Read rest of the story here…..Ban Barbie.  

As for me, I think banning Mountain Dew which causes a large majority of dental decay in poor kids would make a lot more sense. Think I’m kidding?….. 

“PepsiCo, the makers of Mountain Dew soda, says it has reached out to a dentist working to save children’s teeth in eastern Kentucky, after ABC News reports on the problem of tooth decay, or “Mountain Dew mouth,” in the region. “ 

Read rest of story here.  

  

The following video is from the ABC special Children of the Mountains. It’s worth watching although it is a little long. 

I think that you will agree that these children need other legsilature a lot more desperately than a law to ban Barbie!

Tags: banned Barbie doll, drug testing for welfare recepients, messed up government, people who expect taxpayers to take care of them, tax dollars supporting lazy people, too lazy to work

Laughing Is Good For The Soul…..

I really would love to start one of these laughing groups in my area. What a great stress reliever! 

Wouldn’t it be fantastic if colleges and universities offered a Master of Laugh? Or, a Doctorate of Giggling?

Yeah….I could go for that in a heartbeat!!!!

Tags: funny, giggling, laugh therapy, laughing, stress reliever

A New Day, A New Dawn…For Me!!!!

 

Yesterday was just plum bad. That’s what my Mama use to say….”plum bad”.

“He’s just plum bad. Nuthin’ good ’bout him.”

When she said that, it meant that we needed to steer clear of that person or we’d meet with no good.

Yesterday was just plum bad. From the get go. I woke up with tears streaming down my face. I had a sad dream but could only remember bits and pieces of it. Somebody was missing. But, the somebody kept changing. The last that I remember of the dream was this…

“I’m creeping across the floor to peek out a window. And, to me relief, the somebody who was missing in this section of the dream had been found. This somebody was my first boyfriend who died from cancer 2 years ago. He was standing outside the window and waving at me and smiling with his twinkling eyes. I’ve always had a thing for twinkling eyes. Twinkling eyes are seem to be promising something good.. Really weird…..

I woke up stiff all over, too. It was like I had been turning around to look behind me while running. Those were the muscles that were stiff…neck, waist, and hips.

After reading blogs and posting comments for a while, I managed to finally get showered and out the door. I needed desperately to go grocery shopping. I hate grocery shopping. TPKen is not the voracious eater that he once was. Most elaborte dishes go unappreciated so I stick to Hamburger Helper, chili, spaghetti, and other simple meals. I mean….why would I continue to waste time and money cooking anything that takes more than 15 minutes? I love cooking for people who like to eat and can appreciate the effort of a good, homecooked meal that takes hours to make. I hate cooking for a person who doesn’t care if it’s a Spamloaf or lobster. So, grocery shopping is no fun for me except when I use coupons. But, that”s no longer good entertainment, either. It’s more like a chore. As y’all know, though, I am so friggin’ OCD about some things, it’s pathetic.

The night before, I made myself grab the telephone book size stack of coupon inserts that I had been saving from the newspapers. I have progressed a little with the obession of coupons. I use to cut EVERY SINGLE COUPON out of the inserts and magazines. It didn’t matter whether it was something that we used. The only thing that mattered was the possibility of getting something free. FREEFREEEFREEFREEE was like a drug for me.That was until one day, I looked in my bathroom closet and among the rows and rows of shampoos, lotions, conditioners, soaps, etc. I spotted 6 KY Jelly Sets of warming lotion and lubricating lotion. That’s when I realized that I was spending a large chunck of time cutting coupons, going shopping, running up and down the aisles in search of a product that I had a coupon for, and pushing a buggy full of shit to the register. Shit of which I only needed about 60%. Then, once I got home, I had to put away the groceries AND all of the shit that I didn’t need/want/had no place to put.

That was my day of reckoning….THE DAY OF KY JELLY SHOCK!

I’ve gotten better with small baby steps. I started cutting only coupons for products that either my household, TPSkipper’s and TPMidge’s households, or any friend/family households regularly used.

I soon had to take another couple of baby steps when I realized that I had not cut back much at all. So, I determined to cut back to only TPSkipper, TPMidge, and my households. This didn’t work very well, either. TPSkipper and TPMidge either didn’t want to drag the stuff (that I was positively sure they needed) home. They said that they would just use it when they were at my house. Well, OK…I thought. But, just how many visits would they have to make at a certain time of month to use up the industrial size box of mini-pads that I bought on clearance with a coupon which equalled almost free?  And, in the meantime, I had to find somewhere else to keep all of the shampoos, lotions, washes, etc. because that damn industrial size box took up all my space in the closet.  And, TPS got a little snippy one day when I suggested that she use some of the min-pads.

“Mom…stop it! I’m not even having my period right now!”….said TPS.

So, I suggested that she put a few in her purse for unexpected visits from Aunt Flo or a sudden nasty yeast infection. Of course, I was hollering this at her back as she got in her car to leave. I didn’t here her answer but I think the vigorous shaking of her head and mouthing “You Are Nuts” at me made me realize that she did not want them. So, Goodwill became the recepient of a gigantic box of minipads. Also, 23 Right Guard solids (TPK only uses spray). However, I couldn’t bear to part with my many, many (I’ve lost count) different razors that I got with coupons for free. The fact is that TPK and myself only use Gillette Good News Disposables. Still, some hairy guy might come by and need to shave and it would be just terrible if I didn’t have a Titanium razor that needs refills to offer him to use.

On Wednesday night, I pulled out all of those coupon inserts, got my scissors, and sat down to clip. But, my heart was just not in it. A crazy thought came into my head….DID IDARE GO SHOPPING WITHOUT COUPONS? COULD I BE THAT BRAVE? Naaawh….but I resigned myself to only cutting the coupons for stuff that we actually use. This was a liberating action. But, there were so many inserts of coupons that I got that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that I get when I think about paying full price. I had neglected cutting coupons for so long and I dreaded it.

SO, I DIDN”T! “You can do it!”, I told myself.

Yesterday, I left my house with coupons that had already been cut. Not strong enough yet to go coupon naked. I’m trying to get there.

Before going to the grocery store, I was obsessed with going to that local dept. store that I talk about where I get great name brand stuff on clearance for a buck or two. You know the store….where The Ladies Man bought those hearsty red boxers. I can wander around in that store for hours and hours. And, I did. Shit! Once again, I lost track of time. I just enjoy finding the real bargains so much that I think of it as therapy. Much cheaper than paying an actual therapist. I don’t take my cellphone in so I feel free of demands from family or the outside world. I had been buying lots and lots and lots of bags full of stuff on clearance there. I had been putting a lot of it on eBay. But,now, along with the rest of the economy, eBay is in the toilet. Nothing is selling. If you need anything, this would be a great time to shop on eBay. I still have boxes full of stuff that has not been exiled to the garage by TPKen. He thinks that if I don’t see it, I’ll forget about it, and he can get rid of it. WRONG! I know that it’s there.

Yesterday was a little different. I did buy 4 bags of stuff. Most of it was stuff that TPKen or I could actually use. I have to admit, though, that I did throw in a few items for eBay (just in case the economy picks up and size 3XL women or 2XL men want to spend their stimulus money on clothes). Right now, though, as I type, I am looking at a bunch of crap that I need to put away somewhere. Those big clothing items take up room!

 I had spent way too much time wandering the clearance aisles. It was getting late and I still had to go to the grocery store. So, with coupons in hand,I went to Kroger’s. I tried to hurry. At first, I had strong impusles to use my coupons. The first three aisles went really slow as I was trying to match the coupon, number of items needed for coupon, and size of item required by coupon. Somewhere between Quaker Oats and cottage cheese, a voice inside of my head said, “FUCK THIS!”.  I tried to ignore it but while looking at baby wipes (I don’t have a baby but those suckers are great to clean bathrooms), the voice said, “You are wasting your life doing this crap! Lay the coupons down and step away from them real easy-like”. The voice sounded like Dirty Harry. Dirty Harry means business so…

I broke and ran!  Being afraid that Harry was going to follow me, I hid my coupons underneath the stuff in my buggy. This turned out to be a good thing. I no longer was looking thru the coupons BUT I knew they were safe in the buggy.

I went through the next several aisles as if my ass were on fire. Checked out. Saved a few bucks with coupons. Wanted to punch myself for paying full price for an item when I knew darn well that there was a coupon laying under the 5lb bag of onions in my buggy.

While I was loading my groceries in my car, I cursed myself. Then, I congratulated myself. Then, I cursed myself some more. Then, I congratulated myself while cursing.

Although, this story might be funny, obsessions and hoarding are serious problems. And, they don’t evaporate over night. I’ve got a lot more baby steps to take. This is what I was telling myself when I stepped in a gob of slick mud and fell. I wrote this in one of my comments yesterday. If you read it, bear with me while I repeat it.

I had taken the first armload of groceries in and was heading back to my car for another. Our walk is made of individual stepping stones. TPKen started the project and (SURPRISE SURPRISE! yep, being sarcastic) hasn’t finished it. He is OCD and a real perfectionist. He HAS to do thing in the order that he thinks they need done. This is a good thing as he is an engineer and makes his living being OCD. It is a bad thing when he does not finish a project because he has decided that Step 2, Step 3, etc. HAVE to come next. The trouble with that is his steps make no sense to me. Having said that, we have a beautiful country stone walk…..bordered by inches of gooey mud. His logical thinking has him deciding that whoknowswhat has to be done before grass is planted.

I was almost at my car when I stepped off one of the stones and stuck my foot in 2-3 inches of slick, gooey mud. My foot went sliding and of course, was followed by my leg, butt, etc. I did one of those stupid little gymnastic-like moves trying to right myself before I hit the ground. It seemed like a went into slo-mo and could see myself. I almostgot myself upright. ALMOST. My blanance was a tad bit off and down I went.  Somehow, I slid about a foot in that damn mud. My knees hit gravel. The right side of my face hit dirt and gravel. I had slid far enough for my head to bounce off a tree. I was covered completely on one side with mud. I lay there for a minute and cursed the universe (mostly TPKen).

Finally, I slowly dragged myself up with the help of loose bark on the tree. I had the air knocked out of me. I bent over, held onto the tree, and gasped for air.

And that is how TPKen found me when he drove up less than a minute later.

“What’cha doing?” he asked.

“Tryin’ to figure how big the roots are on this tree, dumbass! What does it look like, Einstein? I fell”……I said using his pet names.

For Heaven’s sake, I was covered in mud on one side, had gravel on my face, and could barely straighten up!

“Oh…OK. Got any groceries in the back of the car? “he asked.

I won’t risk an X rating of my blog by writing the words that came out of my mouth.

Anyway…..today is a new day. I’m going to WalMart. I’ve got coupons for free stuff!!!!!

Tags: a new day, bipolar, clearance sales, coupons, Dirty Harry, grocery shopping, hoarding, injury from falling, KY Jelly, laughing at myself, obessisive shopping, OCD, starting over, strange dreams

The Human Body…..

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.  

 One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb). 

 The average man’s penis is three times the length of his thumb. 

 Human thighbones are stronger than concrete. 

 A woman’s heart beats faster than a man’s. 

 There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
  
 Women blink twice as often as men. 

 The average person’s skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
  
 Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still. 

 If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it. 

 Women reading this will be finished now. 

 Men are still busy checking their thumbs. 

Tags: bacteria on feet, men's ego, the weight of skin, unusual facts about the human body, weight of a penis

Is This Guy On MySpace?

I sold some boxer shorts on ebay today to a guy named……….

HO TRANE

I’m wondering if he has a MySpace page and if so, what is his MySpace name?

Just wondering………

That’s all I wanted to say.

Goodnight!

PS I wondering if Ho Trane Twitters? If so, I wonder if he Twittered about buying his undies on ebay?

Tags: eBay, ho' train, myspace, odd name, twitter

I’m Going In To Hiding……

I dream of  it. I picture it in my mind. I talk about it. Now, I’m writing about it.

I want to go into hiding……..

The problem with me hiding, though, is that with my luck, I’d hit my head on something while scampering to hide. I’d get a concussion and be unconscious for a long period of time. I would then go into a coma.  No one would be able to locate me up here in the Boogerwoods until the smell of my decaying body would draw wild critters to feast.

I’d better think up another plan. Like running away to the rain forest and intergrating with the gorillas in the mist or something.

I have (as usual) gotten behind on a lot of stuff. I need to be working on taxes right now instead of writing a post. But, my stress level is on RED ALERT!  I need a break and writing provides relief.

I woke up with a horrible case of diarreah which is slowing me down (yet making me really fastat the same time if you get my drift). In between bathroom trips,  I have managed to balance the business account, pay business bills, run the sweeper (half-heartedly), mop, (also, half heartedly), and wrap up 7 packages of eBay items for mailing. I’m hoping that this little pause will refresh me enough to go to the post office and mail them.

Between the 3rd or 4th bathroom run this morning, I was in my kitchen throwing a roast and potatoes in the crock pot when movement outside the window caught my eye. A strange car was pulling up in the driveway. Since I live on a dead-end road that’s really off the beaten path, I don’t get many unexpected visitors. As I watched, a very elderly man and an ancient-looking frail woman got out of the car and came up the walk. These two were so old that I was afraid that climbing the steps to the porch would prove too much for them.  I hurried to the door but just as I was a few feet away, my stomach starting churning which meant I could either open the door with dookey pants or leave them standing and run for the toilet. The first option was not very desirable so I took off at warped speed to the bathroom.

So, there I was……..sitting on the toilet with painful stomach cramps while two people who might have succumbed to old age/and,or/heart attacks/strokes, etc. began to bang on my door. They were banging on my door because TPKen has put “installing doorbell” very low on his list of finishing this damn house priorities. I think that it’s right below finishing the stairway that sets right smack dab in the middle of the living room. Hold on….

“takes deep breath and counts to 1 million”

Not gonna write or think anymore about all the unfinished house stuff right now. If I do, my head will explode. I’ll return to what I was writng about. Wait…..

“takes another deep breath and counts to 1 billion. does primal scream and kicks the garbage can”

No, I simply will not give in to dwelling on all of the unfinished shit here. After FIVE YEARS. Excuse me one more time……

“gulps down an Ativan with a drink of Jack Daniels, straight from the bottle”

There….I’m all better now. Back to the trots and the old people.

BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM!   To my surprise, those old people sure had some hard, loud knocking skills. I’m trying to hurry up with my bidnezz. I really wanted to know who they were and what they wanted. Finally, my tummy has ceased it’s seizures and unearthly growling. I hurried out of the bathroom, not even taking the time to wash my hands. I rushed to the door, swung it open, and

dammit…..I saw the back of their car as it was leaving. I, also, saw a paper that they had left sticking out from under the welcome mat. It was a WatchTower. I had been the victim of a Jehovah’s Witnesses drive-by.

No, I’m not going to bash Jehovah’s Witnesses. I am somewhat in awe of anybody who goes door-to-door these days for any reason. It’s neither here nor there whether I believe what they believe. If a person is so old and frail that I am afraid that they will not make it up my steps and has the dedication to their beliefs that these people obviously did, I say, “Good for them!”.  To be truthful, though, I would have been kind but sent them on their way in a few short minutes.

I wonder if it’s true that JW will not knock at your door if you display an American flag. I just now remembered that I had heard that somewhere. If it is true, why would the American flag stop them? Maybe, it’s like a vampire and garlic. Would it cause them to fall down and burn up, leaving a smear of charred matter? If any of you know the answer to this, I’d like to know. I guess I could check it out on UrbanLegends  or Snopes. 

When TPSkipper and TPMidge were really young, there was an older lady from the Jehovah’s Witnesses who came to my house frequently. Her name was LuLu and she was an interesting lady. She would sit for a while and talk about all kinds of stuff. My girl’s loved it when she came. LuLuwas exceptionally happy with her set of false teeth. She would tell us all about when she got them, where she got them, the cost of them, and anything else you could possibly think of about false teeth. She would even take them out so that we could  admire every single bit of them. LuLu suddenly stopped showing up. I watched the obits in the paper for her name. Yes, it was a morbid thing to do but I wondered what happened to her. Never did find out.

Ok…I’m bout done. Got a lot more to do today. I feel a tiny bit better. I might even tackle opening up our IRA statement. I’m not one that gets scared easily but these statements have been the things of which nightmares are made. I like to know what’s going on and go ahead and tackle problems head on but lately, (I’m ashamed to admit), I leave the statements on the kitchen counter for days before I’m brave enough to open it. Since we own a small business. we are responsible for our own retirement funds. We’ve lost over half of our money in the last few months. If we lose any more, I’m gonna have to take drastic actions and take up begging on the street corner. Seriously.

Today has been hectic to say the least.

I took a minute to make a wish. I wished for a less busy life…….

Not saying that all guys don’t help…..JUST MINE!

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again. In the event that TPKen and I were no longer married, I would scour the lesbian ads. Not being a lesbian presents a small problem but I’ve figured that out. I would post on eHarmony that I am looking for a frigid lesbian who has no desire for sexual activity. I wouldn’t mind having a wife! Better yet, I’d be on the lookout for a frigid, older woman with money. Who says that I don’t have a dream?

Tags: bailouts are wrong, begging, boogerwoods, eHarmony, false teeth, hectic day, hiding out, internet matches, IRA, Jehovah's Witnesses, losing my ass in stock market, Obama sucks, retirement lost, the trots, vampires, Wall St crooks

A Small 1 Finger Gesture of My Appreciation….

Well, I finally put it off as long as I could. I got up the nerve to open my recent IRA statements.

We’ve lost somewhere between EIGHTY and NINETY THOUSAND DOLLARS in the last few months!!!!!!!!

I demand a bailout!!!!! Obama……how can you sit back knowing that some of us have worked our asses off for many years and put money in IRAs, counting on them for retirement? Little peons like myself do not have the luxury of the salary of a Senator, Congressman, dumbass Nancy Pelosi, etc. being protected and not having to worry. 

 Meanwhile, every bank, car company, mortgage companies, and other mismanaged businesses are being bailed out not once, not twice, but in some cases THREE times!!!!!

I am seriously pissed off!

So, here’s a little token of my unapreciation for all the help that any of you stupid assholes  having given me…….

No, wait…..you haven’t given me any! So, this is for all of the non-help that  I have received from you.

And, here’s a lil sumptin’ sumptin’ for you crooks who stole money from hard working Americans who believed in you.

 

 Don’t be surprised if many Americans in my situation reply with this…….

PS…..Dear Mr Obama…..please hurry up and give me my incentive rebate. The box of  turkey and deer turds that I wanted to mail to you and your Democratic crazies cost more in postage than I thought that it would. Even parcel post is more than I can afford.

Tags: bailouts, bank failures, change I can't believe in, deer turds, depression, economy, giving back to Wall St, I'm mad as hell, incentive rebates, losing money IRAs, obama, pissed off, retirements postponed, stock market falling, stocks plummet, stupid government, that state of our nation, turkey turds

When The Going Gets Tough….

I take an extra Ativan.

My last post was a rant about the value of my IRA’s falling to an unbelievable low. Today, I got hit wih a call from WV State Unemployment Compensation. I’ve been informed that we are being audited. FOR 2006! I feel like puking. Due to TPKen’s lack of attention to finishing my office, I have papers, notes, forms, and everything else needed for the audit stuck all over my house. Some stuff is in the unfinished family room. Some are in the unfinished garage. There’s a file cabinet in my unfinished office that is overstuffed with crap. The woman on the phone was rude and unpleasant. She gave me a long list of things that I must come up with my next Wednesday……940s, 941s,W2, a year of canceled checks, pay records back to 2006, and much, much more.

This is on top of the fact that I am trying to carve out time for gathering all the info for filing our taxes this year.

I need a drink or 8.

SOS! SOS! SOS

 

So, here’s what is has come to……

We’ve worked hard establishing a small business.

We’ve filled out gov form after gov form.

We’ve played by the rules and been honest.

Obama is gonna kill us with taxes.

Now, I’ve got to spend weeks doing more forms and finding forms from almost 3 years ago that I had already done.

I sooooooo wanna quit!

I’ll probably become an alcoholic or drug addict very soon. Of course, that depends on whether I have enough money left to purchase either.

If all else fails, I’m making a “Could You Spare Some Change” sign and heading to the intersection of 2 interstate roads nearby.

Where’s help for us, the small business people. I am seriously overwhelmed right now. And, for the first time, I cannot see any relief in any area coming my way.

Take notice…..it doesn’t say GOOD change, does it?

Tags: bad change to believe in, beggar, begging, corporate crooks, crooks in Congress, flooded with tax forms, I quit, Obama bad change, overwhelmed with taxes, penalizing small business, publicly sobbing, small businesses, SOS, tax audit, tax records, this sucks, tough days, unfair taxation

Octomom Gets New Home….Sneak Peek

WHITTIER, Calif. (March 9) – Southern California’s octuplets mother may be moving to a new home and getting help to raise her brood.

Nadya Suleman’s father Ed Doud is purchasing a $564,900 house in the city of La Habra in a deal is expected to close Friday, said Prudential Realty listing agent Mike Patel.

We’ve learned her dad is the purchaser of the 2,583 square-foot house for Octo. It’s located in La Habra, near where OctoGrandma lives now. It has four bedrooms and three bathrooms, a large master bedroom with a walk-in closet and a large backyard. It’s listed for $564,900. The buyer paid near asking price.

It’s listed by Mike Patel of Prudential Realty in Anaheim Hills in the O.C. We’re told the deal was just inked and it will close on Friday. Sources also say the “substantial down payment” came from money that OctoMom has been scoring over the last few weeks. As one source put it, “the money has been coming from all over the place — $15,000 here, $25,000 there.” We’re told the seller is financing the deal.

From TMZ.com

 

Look who is lurking behind the U-Haul…….

Those octokids certainly look alert and well behaved!!!!!

Tags: leaked pic of octomom with new babies, Nadya gets a house, Nadya Suleman, new house for Suleman, Octomom, Octomom with octobabes, octomom's new house, octuplets

Two Wolves

This is pretty good. I got it in my email and thought that I would share it.

TWO WOLVES…..

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.

He said: ‘My son, the battle is between ‘two wolves’ inside us all.

One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.’

The grandson thought about it for a minute, and then asked his grandfather: ‘Which wolf wins?’

The old Cherokee simply replied: ‘The one you feed.‘

PS….I usually have a wisecrack or something smart-ass to say in my post, but not this one. This one made me think.

Tags: choosing good or evil, food for thought, good and evil, LIFE, life lesson, parable, wolves parable

My St. Patrick’s Day Gift…..

 

Most of y’all know this but just in case one reader happens along while looking for “white trash sex” or “white trash slut” (both rank high in search terms here), I’ll take a sec and explain some things.

1. I am WTWM (white trash with money). I was not born with money. In fact, I grew up dirt poor but worked hard and married a man who, also, works hard. Voila’……instant  long- time- in -the- making financial stability. Well, at least it wasfinancial stability until the market took a nose dive and made my IRA’s worth less than  the Charmin that I use to wipe my ass.

2. I am bipolar. And, recently, I have chosen to become an untreated bipolar. Psych meds are cooked up in motel rooms by an unbathed  transient wearing a wife-beater-with-underarm-sweat-stains shirt. Oh yeah, he’s the med tester, too. (I guess you might say that I have a tad bit of anger and bitterness toward psych docs and the pharma companies. But, that rant is for another day).

3. I am a compulsive shopper.

4. I am a recovering hoarder.

5. No3 and No 4 don’t mix very well.

So, now to what I really wanted to post about today.

I’m half Irish. I think that I deserve a St Paddy’s gift.

I spent part of the day lisitng stuff on eBay. Stuff that I had acquired on one of my frequent shopping sprees. Stuff that I have no use for but are money makers on eBay. I’d be shittin’ in high financial cotton if I could just make myself list all of that crap that I’ve bought on a whim.

I have a problem with looking at stuff on eBay after I have finished listing. Almost every dadgone time, I buy something that cost more than what I will make if every single thing that I listed sells.

This morning, I came across an ugly jug that was really unique. It would look perfect in my ugly mug collection. I started to place a bid but stopped. COMMON SENSE made a rare appearance in my brain. I decided to think about it before I bid. I’ve thought about it almost all day. I am now asking for YOUR help.

Should I or should I not buy this:

 

 

“This Folk Art Face jug is titled `Aretha Franklins Hat.` It is number #32 of my jugs made. She is made from Pinch Pot technique and hand altered. Made of Stoneware Clay that was high fired to cone 6. Aretha Franklin sang ~“My Country Tis of Thee“ at President Obama`s Inauguration. Since then her hat has became famous and a part of American history, Even the Smithsonian wants to acquire the hat to put on exhibit. This jug is 9 inches tall, Cheek to Cheek 6 inches width. Bow to Bow 8 inches width..Thin Walls with no cracks & glazed on the inside and outside , poreclian eyes and teeth, signed S.Boland an original piece no molds are used. Radiant Sun Studio stamped and dated 2009.”

So, whaddya think?

“edited to add” The more that I look at it, the more it looks like Mammy with a piece of tin roofing on her head.

Tags: Aretha Franklin, Aretha's hat, eBay, hoarding, obama, obsess, obsessive shopping, St Paddy's Day gift.advice, ugly mug, ugly mug pottery

Kids, AIG, and Barney….

Boy, I’ve had a busy day! This is the day that we were supposed to be audited but that has been postponed until tomorrow. Happy Happy Joy Joy….NOT. One more sleepless night in anticipation. At least we’re not AIG. And, hopefully, the auditor won’t look like Barney Fife Frank. On the other hand, Barney could provide some good comic relief.

At least I don’t have to worry about giving back a retention bonus. So far, no death threats  to worry about either.

“one of the threats, which said AIG  staff and their families should be executed “with piano wire.” 

Ouch! It’s getting uglier by the minute.

Since my head is full of facts, figures, and images of  TPKen being strangled with piano wire (by me because I have to take my aggression and frustration out on somebody), I am doing something that I rarely do. I’m posting some jokes that I got in my email. If you have a kid, were a kid at one time, know a kid, or even have only seen a kid on television, you’ll find at least one of these pretty funny. And, if you don’t…….

TEACHER:   Maria, go to the map and find North America
MARIA:         Here it is.
TEACHER:  Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS:         Maria!!!!

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD:     H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER:  What are you talking about?
DONALD:     Yesterday you said it’s H to O.

TEACHER:  Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have
ten years ago.
WINNIE:       Me!

 
TEACHER:    Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘ I. ‘
MILLIE:           I is..
TEACHER:    No, Millie….. Always say, ‘I am.’
MILLIE:           All right…  ’I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’ 
 
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON:        No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.

 TEACHER:   Clyde , your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your
 brother’s. Did you copy his?
 CLYDE :       No, sir. It’s the same dog.

TEACHER:  Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when
people are no longer interested?
HAROLD:   A teacher

and….

CHILDREN’S BOOKS THAT YOU’LL NEVER SEE…… 

Strangers Have the Best Candy”
“The Little Sissy Who Snitched”
“Some Kittens Can Fly!”
“Getting More Chocolate on Your Face”
“Where Would You Like to Be Buried?”
“Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her”
“The Attention Deficit Disorder Association’s Book of Wild Animals of North Amer – Hey! Let’s Go Ride Our Bikes!”
“All Dogs Go to Hell”
“The Kids’ Guide to Hitchhiking”
“You Are Different and That’s Bad”
“Dad’s New Wife Timothy”
“Pop! Goes the Hamster….and Other Great Microwave Games”
“Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Only Your Household Pets”
“The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad”
“Babar Meets the Taxidermist”
“Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence”
“The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables”
“Start a Real-Estate Empire with the Change from Your Mom’s Purse”
“The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy”
“Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will”
“The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and Are Shot Dead”
“How to Become the Dominant Military Power in Your Elementary School”
“Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear”
“When Mommy and Daddy Don’t Know the Answer, They Say God Did It”
“What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?”
“Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?”
“Bi-Curious George”
“Daddy Drinks Because You Cry”
“You Were an Accident”

Hopefully, I’ll be back and writing something original tomorrow and not relying on my email. Wish me luck!  

 

Tags: AIG, audits, Barney Frank, children's books, death threats, distractions, kid jokes, kid's books

It’s A Small World Afterall…..

 

You’ve all been in a situation like one of these………

You’re standing in a crowd of people at a party when somebody starts talking about the ho’ over in the corner hitting on a married man. You snicker and glance over and find out….it’s your sister/mother/friend,etc.

Somebody is telling you about a real asshole that they work with. You ask who the person is and…..it’s your spouse/brother/father/friend, etc.

You’re talking to a person in line at the grocery store about the low-life scumbag who got caught cheating the welfare system and….it’s their son/daughter/sister, etc.

You get the idea, right?

This is what happened to me today. My sister came for a visit and she told me to go to youtube and check out this video of a street preacher. When I questioned her, she just said, “Do it.”

So, of course, I did. Here’s the video…..

 

As I watched it, I got a feeling of familiarity but couldn’t just quite put my finger on who it was.I’m sitting and watching the video when TPKen started making sarcastic and somewhat…well…..shitty remarks about the guy being a religious zealot. Another person (who I will not name because they will get really pissed off if they read this) was making really unflattering remarks, too. All of a sudden, I realized who that was in the video.Unfortunately, TPKen did not and was not being very kind. So, I just looked at my sister and said, “Tell them who that is that is the street preacher.”

She said………”That’s C******, my son and your nephew.”

The room suddenly got really quiet except for the preaching coming from the video.

I looked at TPKen and friend. They both looked embarrassed (as they should have). But, ya know, it could have been me. Had I not recognized him, I may have joined them in making fun of that guy. So, I am, also, embarrassed (as I should be). Today’s shitcake will be awarded to TPKen, the friend, ……and ME.

The lesson……..It’s a small world these days.Ya never know who is gonna turn up on the internet.

My nephew, the street preacher, has drastically changed since I last saw him. Only a few years ago, he had longish hair and was wearing Marilyn Manson t-shirts. He was a really quiet boy. The times….they are a changin’.

 Watching the video, I gained a lot of respect for him. Whether your beliefs are the same as his or not, it takes some mighty big balls to stand on a street corner and profess your belief in God these days. You definitely have to be either firmly grounded in your beliefs or a crazy psycho. He’s not a crazy psycho.

So, here’s to you C! I admire your bravery and convictions, especially in this crazy world where you could be killed or imprisoned for taking a stand.

 

PS….for those of you who are wondering about my audit ordeal, I’ll post about it tomorrow.

Now, gotta run. I’ve got shitcake to eat……

Tags: embarrassing situations, making fun of people, religious freedom, shitcake, small world, street preacher

Audited….Part One (For NoeNoe)

Whew! Finally the audit is over…..for now. 

Next, on to THE BIGGIE…..filing fed and state personal and business taxes. No wait…..that’s not right. Quarterlies are due soon. Then, the biggie……or something else as equally unpleasant.

Our tax audit had been set for Wednesday of last week. I scurried around for the whole week before digging out records, pay stubs, forms that had been filed, etc. for the last 2 1/2 years. And, this was all for a STATE UNEMPLOYMENT AUDIT! I still can’t understand why we were audited by this branch of that state tax department. We’ve only had one person ever file for unemployment in the last 15 years or so. We had to lay him off due to business being down. But, he had been hired knowing that his position was going to be temporary and was not hit by a surprise layoff or anything.  For over 15 years, I have dutifully filed the quarterly reports and been totally forthcoming and honest when doing so. To say that we were surprised when we were informed that we were being audited is a gigantic understatement.

Sammi called and postponed our audit until the next day, Thursday.

This all started right before Christmas. Our auditor, whom I shall call Sammi, called my husband at his office wanting to look over our books. Dumbledee  aka TPKen told her that I did all of the tax reports from our home. And, that is true. But, what TPKen did not tell her was that records are in boxes spread throughout different parts of our house……some in the unfinished family room, some in the garage, and some…..who knows where? This is only partly the norm as I have a file cabinet in my office in which I keep most past records. Right now, though, that file cabinet was about as much use as a new pair of running shoes would be to a patient on a life support machine.

We started building TPKen’s dream houseover five years ago. And, being the OCD perfectionist that he is, TPK would not let anybody work on this dream house but himself. Oh, he did hire a few contractors to do the roofing and the brick laying. He, also, hired some contractors to lay tile on the floors. But, he was so hard on them and so demanding that none of them will come back here to do anything. TPK is the kind of person that stands and looks over your shoulder while you are doing the work. This makes me completely nutso! I am far better and much, much faster on a computer than he is and he will ask me to type something. I’ll start and soon I can feel breathing on my neck. He’s standing right behind me watching me type. So, to shake it up a little, I’ll start typing nonsense which is filled with offensive curse words. For example, if I have to write a letter for him, it might go like this….

To Whom It May Concern,

Our company has recently become aware of naked men with their huge dongs hanging out a new product that might be of interest to there are dogs outside the window effing like rabbits you.

This product was designed and could be used to wipe your ass and developed by our engineering department that consists of 2 midgets who work weekends for the WWF, one overthehill nasty  sore-covered whore……

So, you get the idea? Right? Of course, when he really leans over to read what I have typed, he goes ballistic. This is when I inform him that if he doesn’t stay at least one room’s length away while I am typing, I will really send out letters with full of X-rated nonsense.

He backs off. He knows that I will do it.

Back to audit story…..

In a nutshell, I was in a panic. I had no clue as to the location of the specific information that Sammi wanted. And, I was pissed! TPKen has a beautifully finished office upstairs. Lovely ornate desk with matching cabinets and tables. Recently, he bought 2 visitor’s chairs for it. It has been used ONE TIME and that was to do federal taxes last year. The cabinet, desk drawers, table…..all shining clean and EMPTY.

On the otherhand, TPKen has been working  (if ya can call 10 minutes every other weekend working) on my office for the last 3 years. Until recently, I had a white fold out table, computer with student size cheapo computer desk, chair, and one file cabinet in it. He moved them all out about 3 months ago so as to do all the finish work such as putting in electrical outlet covers, touching up scars on woodwork, installing telecable, etc. And he insisted that the office just had to be completely empty before he could do it. THREE MONTHS AGO….still an empty room. I’ve been doing all of the company payroll, quarterlies, etc. from a family/storage room filled with boxes of who knows what. Seriously, I packed those boxes so long ago, I do not remember what is stored in them.

When the auditor called TPKen, he told her to call me. She said that she had to do an audit and wanted to set up a date. I told her to call Ken back since he was the one who was at the business every day. He told her that she could not do an audit there due to secrecy clauses he had signed with people who had hired him to design machines for them. So…..back to the house. She was coming to my house.

I had a lot of work to do. First, find all the damn forms/papers, etc. Make sure that they were all there and in order. Make copies of everything. But, the second thing that I did was more helpful in the long run.

I googled Sammi (remember, not her real name. I don’t wanna get in trouble by writing her real name and then somebody coming across it, telling her, and putting myself in a position of more harrassmentaudits). Yessirree….I googled Sammi every time I had an extra minute. I found out that Sammi likes flavored bottled water. Sammi smokes a certain menthol ciggie. Sammi was not married but had been in several serious relationships. Oh, girl,  I googled Sammi long and hard and I knew a lot about Sammi prior to her visit. A LOT!

Sammi was suppose to show up around 10:00am. The plan was that she would call TPKen from a 7-11 and he would meet her and lead her to our house. By 10:30, there was no word from Sammi. I begin to let my imagination run wild and pictured Sammi finally choosing one of her long-term guys and running off to Vegas to get married.

10:40….Sammi called. She could not get TPKen on the phone. His line was busy. He is the only person that I know who does not have call waiting. I told Sammi that I send someone to his office to tell him that she was waiting. She said that would be fine as she needed to run into the 7-11 to buy a drink and some ciggies. Menthol…hee hee, I knew they were menthol.

to be concluded in Part 2….coming soon (I hope).

 

Tags: audit ordeal, Big Brother, family business, government rules and regulations, how to be your own PI, keeping business records, keeping tax records, small business, small business taxes, smoking, tax audit, tax auditor, too much paperwork, unemployment compensation, work rebellion

Did You Know???? WOW!!!!

I didn’t know……..

I’ve been working on a post about my audit. But, you know me……I can’t just write a simple post. It always turns into a novella. I’ll try to finish it tonight. In the meantime, I thought I would post this video because it has some pretty startling and amazing information in it. Exciting in a SCARY way. This video was presented by Sony at their executive conference this year.

If that’s not enough to make you set up and take notice, check this out. My last post was about being surprised by discovering my nephew in a youtube video. That’s nothing compared to this. Makes me wonder how many people that I know (plus myself) have their pictures/videos on the internet and don’t even know it. Google Earth is nothing compared to this.

I thought you might have some fun with this
 
Can’t believe this – the technology is mind-boggling!

This is a photo from the 2009 Inauguration, in which you can see IN FOCUS
The face of each individual in the crowd!!!

You can scan, double click and zoom to any section of the crowd.  .  . wait a few seconds.  .  . and the focus adjusts.

The picture was taken with a robotic camera at 1,474 megapixel. (295 times the standard 5 megapixel camera)

Makes you wonder who’s watching us right now !!!!!!!!
Find Obama and then all the VIPs sitting nearby!

I got this in my email and at first thought it was just a prank. But, it’s not. Click the link. Talk about Big Brother!!!! This makes me either not want to go out of my house or always dress in some disguise like, maybe, Elvis Presley.

 

Toto…..we’re not in Kansas anymore!

Tags: 1, 474 megapixel camera, amazing zoom camera, Big Brother, China, government intervention into personal matters, India, no longer able to hide, Obama Inauguration pictures, scary facts, Sony conference video, space age technology, startling video, super zoom camera link, wear a disguise

Blippity Fling-Flang

I’ve had another terrible day. Ever had a headache from the top of your head to the tip of your toes and all the areas in between? Well, I have. And, I had one today.

Imagine having all of these all over your body at one time……

I really wanted to finish my post on THE AUDIT but just couldn’t do it. So, I got this redheaded guy at this place to write it for me. He has a great blog named   Hizzy Dinglecrungle.  Need a blog written, give him a visit.

So, here’s the rest of my post written by the redhaired guy……

The Rest Of My Visit From The Auditor

Razzzap-blippity-cake! Zap tangity blabbity zangity bam flobble loo flopping fleeblob. Hum tizzle flibflob. Zap rizzle hum dizzle flabbing dangbloo, roo dingle shnaz hum blopping tingbork ting. Boo hum flup blip flingity rakity flakity blip flapblung? “Yap woogle yap?” shnozzle Leia. Duh flippity zingletongle! Ha DOO Chaka Khan ingletang! LOO WIGGLE HO DIZZLE ZING A HIZZLEGOBBLE, DEE ZOWEE BLO DEE ZING A NIZZLEDINGLE BIZZLE. Bleeb bizzle? “NIP WIGGLE ZAP?” LING MR. GARRISON. BLANG NIP SHNUZZLE DIZZLE? “Zap zing yip?” gobble Miss Beasley. Bleeping goblinkanoodle. Funk roo ingle! Duh dee the Antichrist blingbang! Zangle wooble zunk boo whack flip crangle yap razz. Yap zip cakewacko boo loo meep, loo zunkity ho cake zip. Ha blapping jangely zippity nip flip zap flupping gobbletang. Roo flubbity tongledang! Wacko bam wuggle zip wuggle-tangle!! Floo DA gobble-zingle. Boo SHNOZZLE dobbabizzle. Mary Mother of God ho Clinton yap shnazzy bing-shnoz. Blab ha blip hum dubba-blip!! Oodle! Shrubbery dingle? KANOODLE TWIDDLE ROO BANG ZIP LING? Bloo! Tingle doo flobble zip fraggle-shnoz!! Goblin bam zowee zip bizzle-woogle!! Da blop flob? Dong! QUABBLE YIP ZUNKITY WOOBLEWOW. Quibble ha crangely shnozzlewooble. Boo flonging flubbing bleebing ha bing bam sloppy quibblejangle. Wacko bam blang! Hum yap da Han Solo flabdongle. “DOO FLING HUM?” BLAB CARTMAN. Flib dizzle zonkity hum wubblewaggle??? Remember: If you use Blippity Fling-Flang, you must link back to me!

I‘ll be back tomorrow to translate unless totally knocked on my ass by that headache again.

Tags: blippity fling-flang.help with blogging.the audit story, cluster headache, desperate to finish post, guest blogger, head to toe headache, migraine headache, stress headache

Blackmailing the Tax Auditor…..

Finally, I have a few minutes to finish my story about my tax audit.

Here’s what I did……

After doing extensive research on “Sammi” and finding all kinds of embarrassing pictures (some XXX RATED) on Facebook, MySpace, and The Auditor’s Chat Forum, I decided to blackmail her by posting this picture in the Tax Chat Thread…..

Actually, none of that is true. Stan suggested that this is what I may have done in one of his comments. Dammit, Stan!!!! Why didn’t I think of that? It would have been so much more interesting and exciting than the real story.

Where I left off in part I…….

“10:40….Sammi called. She could not get TPKen on the phone. His line was busy. He is the only person that I know who does not have call waiting. I told Sammi that I send someone to his office to tell him that she was waiting. She said that would be fine as she needed to run into the 7-11 to buy a drink and some ciggies. Menthol…hee hee, I knew they were menthol.”

10:45….Sammi called to inform me that she and TPKen had connected and they would be here “in a few”. Yep, she actually said, “in a few”. AHA…all the better for my plan.

10:46….TPKen called to inform me that he and Sammi had connected and were on their way. Sammi is more colorful with words than TPKen.

OK….So, I know you are dying to know what was my plan. Simple and age old. Feign huge interest on everything about her. Compliment her til her head was a’spinnin’. Make her feel like she should have been named Sec. of Treasury instead of that bumbling Geitner.

I had a few minutes til they arrived. I ran to the bathroom and practiced all my faces that I would need…….

 For good measure, I doubled up on practicing the sorry face and stepped it up to triple on the confused look.

Soon, Sammi and TPK pulled into the driveway and I ran to the window to size her up. Hiding behind the curtain, I could get a good look at my adversary. She looked to be 3oish from behind but when she turned around, she looked more of a 45-50 old. Her hair was in a ponytail (a ponytail on an auditor?) and she was dressed smartly in a black sweater set and gray slacks. That’s as much as I could take in before I practically got a busted nose and black eye from the door being swung open by TPK. I was feeling a little like Agent 99 from Get Smart except now I was trapped behind the door with no graceful way out. Thank Heavens that TPK shut the door without turning around and he and Sammi started down the hall. If either one of them had shifted their eyes even a few inches, I would have had some hard ‘splaining to do. It was bad enough that now I had to figure out how to enter the room, being that I was already IN THE ROOM. In case this is not making sense, let me try to explain the predicament in which I found myself to be.I had chosen a window located on the wall side not the hall side.  I was somewhat saved by a wall that partially blocked me being seen. Once they had turned the corner, I would be home free.

I needed to do some quick thinking. I could either just act indignant as if  TPK had purposely almost pounded my face in with the door. Or ,I could open and shut the door very loudly making it appear that I had been outside and had just come in. In from where, I don’t know. I would just wing that part and have to take into account that my car was obviously sitting in the driveway right beside Sammi’s car.  Not wanting to take the chance that Sammi would automatically assume that TPK was a wife abuser and thus, more likely to commit tax fraud, I chose the latter.

I opened and closed the door and entered  re=enteredremained in the room. When asked where I had been, I just said “outside” in a noncommittal way. Neither Sammi or TPK asked any more questions which was a small miracle considering that it was cold and rainy and I had no jacket or shoes on. I was thankful that I had practiced and memorized the face chart and put on the “content” face.

TPKwas acting uncharacteristically nervous and uncomfortable. Honestly, we were not hiding anything but never having been audited, he nor I knew what to expect. This situation was particularly troublesome since we do our own taxes and I’m the only one with any accounting education (which consist of Accounting 101 and basic math).  We had gathered all of the required forms and information that Sammi had requested and it was stacked up on the kitchen table. Sammi sat down and begin browsing through files and looking very serious. After just a few minutes (which seemed like hours), I went to a cabinet and got out a large ashtray, set it down in front of Sammi and told her to smoke if she wanted. Hell, she could have taken her lighter out and rolled up my place mats if she had wanted. I would have even rolled them up and Scotch taped them into a cigarette shape if it would lighten the mood.  She hesitated saying that she wasn’t suppose to smoke on the job but then gave me a little smile and lit up.  I offered her something to drink. I offered to make coffee but then mentioned that I had some Propel Strawberry flavored water if she would like some. She remarked that it was one of her favorite drinks.  I didn’t tell her that I already knew that because I saw her with a bottle of it in her hand in one of the MySpace pictures. Instead, I just agreed with her that it was the best flavored water on the market.

Then, she got all serious again and took out her calculator. I broke her concentration by complimenting her lovely diamond ring and asked her where did she acquire such a beautiful piece of jewelry. B-I-N-G-O!!!!! I know one thing for sure and that is women love their jewelry. And, having worked in a jewelry store through a couple of Christmas times (and loving jewelry myself), I knew that I had hit her in her weak spot. She told me that the ring was a gift from an ex-boyfriend. OMG! Now, I was on a roll. Those of you who are female know that we just love to talk about jewelry and EX-BOYFRIENDS!!!!! As she went on and on with stories about gifts of jewelry and ex’s, I had the chance to put to use my much practiced facial expressions.

Everything was going great! But then….OUCH!, she actually did come across a big mistake. And, yes, it really was a mistake. It had to do with contract labor. Unreported contract labor. Reporting it would not have cost us one more red cent in taxes, but it still had to be reported. I put on the suprise face (actually, it was real not practiced) and watched TPK fidge nervously in his chair.

So, I offered her some more water, emptied the ashtray, and started admiring her necklace. It didn’t work to totally distract her but it did soften her expression and tone of voice. Fifteen minutes later, she was finishing up her story about another EX and a fight about a trip to Hawaii. I was wearing my “sorry” face.

The audit ended with a warning about reporting contract labor and a promise made by TPKen to be more diligent in reporting it.

So, long story short…..I kissed her ass so hard that I wish I owned stock in ChapStick.

No, not as exciting as Stan’s scenario but it worked and I didn’t have to do anything criminal.

I swear….as soon as this tax season is over, I’m RETIRING!

“edited to add”…..Dear Reader….if you have gotten this far, please read the comments. There are some hilarious comments by  Stan and Steph, among others.

 

Tags: blackmail, emotional acting, kissing ass, private investigation, rest of the story, tax audit

That’s How The Fight Started…..

===============================

 

I’m too lazy today to write a post. I got these jokes in my email. They are oldies but goodies. I dedicate these to the guys on my blogroll and the guys who are kind enough to comment on a regular basis.

 

My wife walked into the den & asked, “What’s on the TV?” 

I replied “Dust”.

And that’s how the fight started…
==========================

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment”

The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’

And that’s how the fight started…

==============================

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.
I bought her a scale.

And that’s how the fight started…

===============================

I asked my wife, ‘Where do you want to go for our anniversary? ‘

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

‘Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!’ she said.

So I suggested, ‘How about the kitchen?’

And that’s when the fight started…

============================

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have sex?’

‘No,’ she answered.

I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’

She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying ‘Yes.’

So I said, ‘Then I’d like to phone a friend.’

And that’s when the fight started…

===========================

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that’s when the fight started…

===============================

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

‘I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.’

He said, ‘Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?’

Nah, she can order for herself.’

And that’s when the fight started…

Tags: husband and wife fight, marriage jokes

Advice About Summer Feet To My Girlfriends…..

I’ve been working on a post this morning. It is about a Pooter Tooter, super-gluing a banana peel to my thumb, cooking, and big bras. As usual, I became Wordy McWord and have not finished it. 

So, I decided to post this hilarious email that I got from my nephew’s wife. She sends me the best stuff! Can anybody say, “PEDI-EGG”? 

FYI….no, those are not my feet. 

 

The Open Toed Shoe Pledge 

 

As a member of the Cute Girl Sisterhood, I pledge to follow the Rules
when wearing sandals and other open-toe shoes:

  

I promise to always wear sandals that fit. My toes will not hang over andtouch the ground, nor will my heels spill over the backs. And the sides andtops of my feet will not pudge out between the straps. 

I will go polish-free or vow to keep the polish fresh, intact and chip-free.
I will not cheat and just touch up my big toe. 

I will sand down any mounds of skin before they turn hard and yellow. 

I will shave the hairs off my big toe. 

I won’t wear pantyhose even if my misinformed girlfriend, coworker, mother,sister tells me the toe seam really will stay under my toes if I tuck itthere. 

If a strap breaks, I won’t duct-tape, pin, glue or tuck it back into place hoping it will stay put. I will get my shoe fixed or toss it. 

I will not live in corn denial; rather I will lean on my good friend Dr. Scholl’s if my feet need him. 

I will resist the urge to buy jelly shoes at Payless for the low, low price of $4.99 even if my feet are small enough to fit into the kids’ sizes. This is out of concern for my safety, and the safety of others. No one can walk properly when standing in a pool of sweat and I would hate to take someone down with me as I fall and break my ankle. 

I will take my toe ring off toward the end of the day if my toes swell and begin to look like Vienna sausages. 

I will be brutally honest with my girlfriend/sister/coworker when she asks me if her feet are too ugly to wear sandals. Someone has to tell her that her toes are as long as my fingers and no sandal makes creepy feet look good. 

I will promise if I wear flip flops that I will ensure that they are actually flip and flop, making the correct noise while walking and I will swear NOT to slide or drag my feet while wearing them. 

I will promise to go to my local nail salon  

at least once per season and have a real pedicure (they are about $35 and worth EVERY penny).

than dirty white sandals.tackierI will promise to throw away any white/off-white sandals that show signs of wear… nothing is

  

 

 

Jelly shoes….I have people in my family who have jelly shoes in every style and color. They wear them with everything, especially Winnie the Pooh and other Disney character t-shirts. “laughing to self” 

 

  

 

 

Tags: cracked feet, jelly shoes, pedicure, summer feet, ugly feet

I’m An April Fool’s Wuss…..

 

 

It’s April Fool’s Day and I haven’t done one dadgoneprank on anybody. I usually do and fool several people. But, this year, I was an April Fool wussy. All the buzz about the scary Internet virus made me hesitant and really cautious. Ya see, I couldn’t bring my lazy hiney to actually go out and do something stupid to a real person. Nooooooooo! Like the majority of Americans today, I rely on the Internet to perform childish and immature tricks and hoax. I spent the day going to and fro trying to decide whether to even turn the ol’ Dell on or not. Would THE WORM infect my major means of communication with others?

Maybe, I’ve become a old scaredy cat. Or, could it be that I didn’t want to risk having to buy a new computer considering that I had just bought one a few months ago?

So, to all the people that I have pulled silly pranks on in the past, you are safe. THE WORM protected you this  year.

edited to add……Stan has been commenting on my last several posts. He is sarcastically funny and very smart. Just don’t tell him that. For really good laughs, read all comments posted by Stan. 

I added tags to this post to stuff that is in the comments. So, if you were searching for something and came across this post, please check the comments.

Tags: April Fool's Day, fooling people, funny comments, internet virus, misuse of Seroque, pranks, sarcastic comments, Stan The Man, The Worm, wuss

How To Use A Stick on A Guy….

While surfing the internet trying to come up with some new words to use in my battle of the witless with Stan (you are welcome, Stan.  I am sending all of my 4 regular readers to your blog), I came across a page about Fans in Victorian Times. If only life were that simple now! If you want to know more, check out NanaLulu.

I have updated this wonderful article so as to fit my own redneck life and replace the word “fan” with the word “stick”. I do not own a fan but do have plenty of sticks. You may, also, substitue the word “rock“.

 

If a young lady held her stick to her lips, it begged a kiss

Carrying in right hand in front of face meant follow me
Carrying in left hand meant desiring an aquaintance

Dropping it meant friendship only

Drawing it across her eyes meant an apology

The stick placed near the heart signaled You have won my love

Did she hide the eyes behind a big ass stick~ I love you

Opening and closing the sticks several times ~ You are cruel

Drawing through her hand ~ I hate you

Drawing across the eyes ~ I am sorry

Letting the stick rest on the left cheek signaled no
Letting the stick rest on the right cheek signaled yes

Stick  opened wide meant wait for me (Still trying to figure out how to open a stick).

Sticking slowly meant I am married

Sticking quickly meant I am engaged

Twirling the stick in left hand ~ I wish to get rid of you                            
Twirling in right hand ~ I love another

Drawing across the forehead
~ You are being watched ~

Drawing across your forehead…..you’re in for a good ass-whuppin’.

Now, all you ladies, go get your sticks and show the men in your life what you are really thinking!

Tags: fanning, fighting stick people, in love stick people, saying goodbye, some crazy stuff, stick people sex, the language of stick figure love, victorian fans

Obama Bows For Saudi King….

 

This is a different type of post for me than normal. I usually post serious stuff  (mental health and politics) at my other blog…..BipolarChicksBlogging.  But, I wanted to know what the regular readers and people who frequently comment thought about this video.

My thoughts in it…..It disturbs the hell out of me. Not only did Obama bow, he actually denied it.  His “people” released a comment saying that he was not bowing.  He was bending to shake the hand of a short man!  This man and his people think that we must all be fools.

 

From American Thinker

“Has anyone ever seen Barack Obama publicly bow and bend his knee when meeting someone  prior to yesterday? I don’t recall any photos of such a gesture of greeting, but I would be very happy if some of the President’s defenders on the left could provide such evidence that his striking body language yesterday before the monarch of Saudi Arabia and custodian of the holy cities of Mecca and Medina was simply a habitual gesture of warmth.”

“The American mainstream media apparently paid no heed, and instead focused on Michelle Obama casually touching the Queen of England when introduced to the United Kingdom’s monarch. If anyone has seen MSM paying attention to this signal event, a traditional acknowledgement of fealty, please let me know.

If it was not a gesture of subordination, why did the Saudi King fail to respond with a similar bow?”

Read more at American Thinker.

So, what do y’all think about this?

edited……As with other posts recently, Stan has turned the comments into much more interesting reading than the original post. Go visit Stan and read all about his adventures with my hillbilly, redneck, white trash relatives and me.

Tags: distortion of facts, i can see it with my own eyes, lies, Obama in Middle East, Obamaa bows for Saudi King, Pee Party, Politics, scary Obama, scary president, short guy/tall guy handshake rules, Tea Party

Barry and The Pirates……

I got this in my email today and found it to be extremely interesting. BHO has certainly gotten one thing right…..hiring the best spin doctors around. I’m sad to say that this does not surprise me one tiny bit.

 

“Herewith lies the difference between friendly media spin and reality! Semper Fi Having spoken to some SEAL pals here in Virginia Beach yesterday and asking why this thing dragged out for 4 days, I got the following:

1. BHO wouldn’t authorize the DEVGRU/NSWC SEAL teams to the scene for 36 hours going against OSC (on scene commander) recommendation.

2. Once they arrived, BHO imposed restrictions on their ROE that they couldn’t do anything unless the hostage’s life was in “imminent” danger

3. The first time the hostage jumped, the SEALS had the raggies all sighted in, but could not fire due to ROE restriction.

4. When the navy RIB came under fire as it approached with supplies, no fire was returned due to ROE restrictions. As the raggies were shooting at the RIB, they were exposed and the SEALS had them all dialed in.

5. BHO specifically denied two rescue plans developed by the Bainbridge CPN and SEAL teams

 6. Bainbridge CPN and SEAL team CDR finally decide they have the OpArea and OSC authority to solely determine risk to hostage. 4 hours later, 3 dead raggies

7. BHO immediately claims credit for his “daring and decisive” behaviour.

As usual with him, it’s BS. So per our last email thread, I’m downgrading Oohbaby’s performace to D-. Only reason it’s not an F is that the hostage survived. Read the following accurate account.

 Philips’ first leap into the warm, dark water of the Indian Ocean hadn’t worked out as well. With the Bainbridge in range and a rescue by his country’s Navy possible, Philips threw himself off of his lifeboat prison, enabling Navy shooters onboard the destroyer a clear shot at his captors — and none was taken.

 The guidance from National Command Authority — the president of the United States, Barack Obama — had been clear: a peaceful solution was the only acceptable outcome to this standoff unless the hostage’s life was in clear, extreme danger. The next day, a small Navy boat approaching the floating raft was fired on by the Somali pirates — and again no fire was returned and no pirates killed. This was again due to the cautious stance assumed by Navy personnel thanks to the combination of a lack of clear guidance from Washington and a mandate from the commander in chief’s staff not to act until Obama, a man with no background of dealing with such issues and no track record of decisiveness, decided that any outcome other than a “peaceful solution” would be acceptable.

 After taking fire from the Somali kidnappers again Saturday night, the onscenecommander decided he’d had enough. Keeping his authority to act in the case of a clear and present danger to the hostage’s life and having heard nothing from Washington since yet another request to mount a rescue operation had been denied the day before, the Navy officer — unnamed in all media reports to date — decided the AK47 one captor had leveled at Philips’ back was a threat to the hostage’s life and ordered the NSWC team to take their shots. Three rounds downrange later, all three brigands became enemy KIA and Philips was safe

. There is upside, downside, and spinside to the series of events over the last week that culminated in yesterday’s dramatic rescue of an American hostage. Almost immediately following word of the rescue, the Obama administration and its supporters claimed victory against pirates in the Indian Ocean and [1] declared that the dramatic end to the standoff put paid to questions of the inexperienced president’s toughness and decisiveness

. Despite the Obama administration’s (and its sycophants’) attempt to spin yesterday’s success as a result of bold, decisive leadership by the inexperienced president, the reality is nothing of the sort. What should have been a standoff lasting only hours — as long as it took the USS Bainbridge and its team of NSWC operators to steam to the location — became an embarrassing four day and counting standoff between a ragtag handful of criminals with rifles and a U.S. Navy warship.”

Stay tuned for more Bedtime With Barry Stories….Tales for the Whole Family

Such as…..

Barry and Hugo Go To The Library

Barry Learns to Bow for The Prince

Barry Apologizes For His Country’s Greatness

and 47 other wonderful stories with morals for the whole family! Get your limited edition today. Send 5 billion dollars to Czar of Publications, 600 Pennsylvinia Ave. Washington D.C.

Have a piece of delicious warm and gooey shitcake, Barry…….

 

Well, dear readers, once again, there is more than meets the eye here. Barry and The Pirates has become the lesser of two stories. The real story is the smackdown brawl in the comments. Here’s your opportunity to be the judge. Who’s winning the war of comment words? Vote now and I will send you a  nice American made pair of No Spin Zone undies.

DISCLAIMER……I really am not going to give you anything much less NSZ bloomers. I don’t actually have any and if I did I’d sell them on eBay.

Tags: brawling commentators, Captain Philips taken hostage, Navy seals, No Spin Zone underwear, obama, Oohbaby, pirates, pirates take hostage, political BS, shitcake, shitcake award, smackdowns, Somali kidnappers, spin, tall tales

Smuggling Grass Again…..

 Yeah…I’m at it again!

This, actually, started as a comment on my last post but was getting Wordy McWord worthy (say that real fast 5 times). So, since I haven’t posted anything “real” for a few days, it has become a post about “this and that” plus MORE!

It’s hard to admit this but sometimes I buy stupid books by stupid celebrities writing about stupid things. The latest waste of money as Tori Spelling’s whiny ass book about how hard her life as been. As if that were not a big enough waste of money, I bought Kathy Lee Gifford’s book. KLG’s book is much better than whiny-ass Tori’s book. But, both are a serious waste of money.

Question 1….Why do “celebretards” write books about themselves?
Question 2….(more important)…why do suckers like me buy them?
Question 3…..will these books resell to other suckers on eBay? You bet your hiney they will! Otherwise, I’d not spend one red cent on them.

So, I don’t feel like I wasted my money because I am sure to get it back from some poor sucker (like me) that will buy it on eBay. The one thing that I do not understand is why people will bid and pay more for these books on eBay than if they went to WalMart and bought them. 

I think there might be a few explanations as to why they buy them on eBay rather than WalMart:

1. They don’t want to take the chance of being seen in line holding a book that cannot be disguised due to the huge celebretard’s pics on them.

2. They don’t want to waste their own money so instead pay out of their companies’ expense accounts (if any one is lucky enough to have one of those now).

3. They buy them and then have them shipped to someone else (who is apparently not in their good graces).

Whatever the reason, celeberetards do write them and do make sinfully large piles of money on them.

I need to run out and buy a bday present for my SIL. Hey….maybe, I could just give her the sTori and KLG books! Well, at least I did buy a real Hallmark  birthday card this year. Making one with construction paper and Elmer’s glue doesn’t cut it anymore. Last year, she saw thru the “Hallmark” that I wrote with a magic marker. And, the $4.99 price tag didn’t dry before I stuck it in the contact paper envelope and smudged. Although, she was gracious, I saw the “she’s finally gone off the deep (and cheapass) end of the crazy cliff” look on her face.

Pretty weather is finally here. Last week, we got hit by a thunder/snow/hail/rain storm that was downright scary. This time I stayed the heck away from the windows. During the last storm like this, I made the big mistake of standing at my bedroom window watching all the unpredictable weather cycles. In a blink of an eye, I heard a horrendous CRAAACKING shotgun-like noise and simultaneously saw lightening strike a tree right outside the window….about 6 feet from where I was standing. I was frozen in my tracks as a 12 inch wide section of bark was burnt off of the tree  from the ground all the way to the top. I was seriously grateful to God that the lightening missed me. That was a frightening experience that I hope to never go thru again.

Last year around this time, I wrote a post about my attempts to plant grass while trying to fool my husband into thinking that I had nothing to do with a strange appearance of green growth here and there in our otherwise dustbowl of a yard.

 I SMUGGLED GRASS BECAUSE I HAD TO. I regretfully report that I am forced to do this again. There has been a constant battle of the grass going on here for almost three years now. DH (who I might have mentioned a time or two in the past is seriously OCD) insist that all things must be done according to his plans.I, of course, disagree with him. Tell me, who wouldn’t? The man is insane. Only a crazy person would forbid planting grass until his scheduled alloted time to landscape and plant grass. Here’s the problem that I’m having with his schedule….grass planting is not on the list until 2012 or thereabouts.

So, I do the only thing that a sane person trying to avoid loud arguments and the throwing of  household items at him would do…..I’m still sneaking in the grass seeds one pocket at a time. OK, I know! I know! I can hear y’all mumbling under your breath…”She’s the nutjob. Why doesn’t she just put her foot down and insist on sowing the seeds?”

I am aware that would be what the normal person would do. (Normal? What’s normal. It’s a cycle on a washing machine.) OK….not normal. Average. That is what the average person would do. But, I have to admit that I feel a little naughty every time I put that grass seed in my pocket and casually throw it on the ground when he’s just a few feet away with his back to me. I feel…well….REBELLIOUS! It’s the same feeling that I get when he actually measures each end of the sofa to make sure that it is the same distance from the wall and I wait until he walks away and give it a little shove….just a tad so that I’ll know that it is not perfectly positioned. What can I say? It’s my little walk on the wild side! Sorta takes me back to wilder and less complicated times in my life.

I’ll admit that I’m still a long way from having the lush green lawn with flowering shrubs of my dreams. But, everytime I look at those sparse little patches of green struggling to poke up through the dry dustbowl of a yard, I feel a certain amount of pride….and maybe, the need for a little spanking.  Who’d thunk grass seeds could bring about so much emotion?

Tags: celebretards, cheapskates, dust bowl, husband wife disagreement, Kathy Lee Gifford book, lightening strikes, smuggling grass, Tori Spelling

Put ‘Em Up Sissy Boys…..

I’ve been terribly busy and have not had any spare time to blog. But, early this evening, something took place and I feel compelled to report on it.

At one of my friends (d@bipolarchicksblogging ,who happens to have a great post on the swine flu) suggestion, I gave in and joined Twitter. Now, I have to say right up front that I could not begin to understand the interest or usefulness, for that matter, of Twitter. I figured that anybody who wanted to know what I was doing, what I was thinking, where I was going, etc. were already family, close friend,probation officer, or court appointed guardian and knew all that stuff about me already and didn’t have to go to Twitter to find out.

(JK about the probate officer and guardian……they don’t know what I’m doing)

All this mass communication is stressing me OUT!  Checking my email has become a chore. My inbox is totally full of “so and so” wants you to join Facebook/MySpace/PeopleWhoThinkJaneaneGarofaloIsAnUnwashedIdiot/etc. is keeping me hunched over either reading or deleting for waaaay too long. Not to mention all of the emailomercials for Viagra,”make big money at home”, and “studly singles in your area” . Just had a thought…..Viagra, make money at home, and studly singles…..hmmmmm……am I the target of hardened prostitutes trying to recruit me?

 Anyway, back to Twitter. Upon checking one of my email accounts today, I discovered that I had oodles and oodles of unread mail. I’m tellin’ ya and ya need to believe me…..I’ve been really BUSY! I started to just hit “delete all” but didn’t really want to take the chance of getting rid of something that I needed to read. And, sure enough, there was something that I needed to read.

The architect himself, Karl Rove is following me on Twitter!!!!!!!

At first I figured that it was just one of those things where some idiot (hmmm…like me) makes up or takes on a false name. I check Karl out and he was for real.

The email concerned the recent hooplah in the press about the infamous TORTURE DOCUMENTS!  Mr. Rove (or Archy as I like to call him)  was urging all readers to go read the actual documents about torture before we made up out minds about it. Seriously, I had already made my mind up. When we resort to beheadings  (think Daniel Pearl) and cutting off arms and legs, I just might rethink my positon. Meanwhile, my position is we should be allowed to do anything short of killing the American-hating, mass mudering scumbags  in order to get information out of them that could prevent thousands of deaths (think Twin Towers). Truthfully, I hold out on the death action only because dead terrorists can’t talk.

I read the documents and I WANT YOU TO READ THEM TO!!!! So, here is a link.

I have a few comments on the means of torture.

1. Attention grasp….Do ya ever remember when your Mom got really fed up with you acting out or fighting with your brothers and sisters? She would grab ya on either side of your face, look directly into your eyes and say ,”OK, that’s just about enough of this, little lady/man!”

That’s the attention grasp in a nutshell.

2. Walling…..a person is placed with his heels touching a flexible wall. In effect, the person is pulled forward and allowed to fall backward, thus creating a LOUD NOISE and perhaps providing a shock (not electrical) to the person’s senses.

Well, rootytootpoot…..This is nothing new. Haunted houses have used this action for as long as I can remember to scare the bejeezus out of paying customers. Nobody that I have ever known has suffered long lasting consequences from this. Crikeys….those terrorists are real sissy boys. BOO! Now, go cry titty-babies!!!!

2.Facial slap. (insult slap)…hands are open with fingers spread. Face is slaped lightly using fingers only.

Seriously, folks….is this really torture? Girlie-men have slapped liked this for as long as I can remember.

5. Cramped confinement….cramped confinement? Talk to the Octomom’s kids about cramped confinement!

6. Wall standing….Sheeeyut…we were made to do this in high school gym class.

7. Sleep deprivation…This reminds me of something…let me think. Oh yeah……the first 3 months of both of my daughter’s lives.‘

8. Stress positions….These must have been taken from the Karma Sutra

9. Insects in box….A CATERPILLAR? Nuff said…for explanation, read the documents.

10. The waterboard…..Admittedly not pleasant but used for years by fraternaties in hazing. Also, used by my older brothers on me and my sister for sheer entertainment. My mom would then do the “attention grasp” on each of them, make them do a little “wall standing” and  then put them in “cramped confinement”.

So, that’s my take on the big bad terrorists being tortured. Hope you will take my advice and go read the docs.

Tags: crybabies, facebook, Karl Rove, liberals, methods of torture, sissy terrorists, swine flu, terrorists, torture documents, twitter

Dunlap Explains Swine Flu…..

 

Having trouble keeping up with the facts about Swine Flu? No problem…..Dunlap and Jackie will help you understand.

“Dunlap’s not feeling too well after his trip to Talladega, but still manages to give Jackie some helpful tips on avoiding swine flu.”

WOW…how can Jackie talk with that ciggie in his mask?

new vocabulary word…REDONKULUS

“We shouldn’t eat tacos or carnitas

unless we’re in a hurry for Jesus to meet us”. 

“edited to add”……Relieve tension and worry over Swine Flu by plaing the Swine Flu Fighter Game.

Tags: airplane over New York, diarreah, dumbasses in Congress, Janet Napolitano, obama, redneck state, redneck video, redonkulus, sore throat, stupid racist jokes, surgical mask, swine flu, Swine Flu Fighter Game, Talledaga

Billy Bob Thornton Interviews Joaquin Phoenix

 

I was going to post my thoughts on Obubba’s 100 Days speech. But, frankly, I need a break from all the bad news of this past week. And, I couldn’t think of any enchanting questions for him. WTF? ENCHANTING?????

So, instead, I looked around the net to find something that would make me laugh instead of cry.

I found it and here it is……BB Thorton and J Phoenix.

ENJOY!!!!

BTW…today’s yummy, warm, fresh from the oven shitcake goes to Obama for only taking 13 questions in 55 minutes. Wouldn’t it be nice if he had a timer that went off after rambling off a subject for 10 minutes. Or, maybe, a bucket of water could be positioned overhead and would spill on his head after the 50th “uh..uh”.

Tags: bad news, Billy Bob Thornton, celebrity interviews, enchanted questions, good belly-laugh, Joaquin Phoenix, Obama 100 days, Obama press conference, parody video of Billy Bob and Joaquin, shitcake, shitcake award

Racial Profiling?????

 

Racial profiling???? NO! Funny? YES!!!!!

It’s time for us all to just get along and quit being so damn sensitive.  And, I think most people will agree with that….except for Acorn, the Black Panthers, and the KKK. But, who really gives a rat’s ass what any of them think anyway??? Let them eat shitcake…..

Tags: ACORN, Black Panthers, controversial furniture store ad, KKK, racial profiling, shitcake, shitcake award, The Red House

Pil-ls Make Yoour Wifee Hap-py!

Makee yoour wifee a hap-py woamn with ED pil-ls‏…….I got this in my  email today. What’s a woamnn? I wouldn’t buy these in the first place. But, if I were in the market for “ED pil-ls”, I believe I’d be really leery of buying them from somebody who can’t even spell.

Are any of you receiving calls from this number……407-000-9876?

Here’s the low down (and dirty) on the number…….SCAM Call from 407-000-9876. I’ve had calls like this in the past. I bought a loud police whistle and would blow it continuously for about 30 seconds into the receiver. But, the whistle has gotten lost. I’m gonna buy me another one. Dirty low-down scumbag scammers!

I got this in my email today. It reminds me of something that I use to say. When company showed up and our lawn hadn’t been mowed in a while, I use to say that I was growing a butterfly, beetle, praying mantis, or whatever sanctuary.  I would say that I was waiting on the proper government agency to come and officially declare it as one.  Just in time for the holiday weekend…..great excuses when company shows up.

‏I don’t do windows because  I love birds and don’t want one to run into a clean window

and get hurt. 

I don’t wax floors because  I am terrified a guest will slip and get hurt then I’ll feel terrible

( plus they may sue me.)

I don’t mind the dust bunnies because they are very good company,

I have named most of them,and they agree with everything I say. 

I don’t disturb cobwebs because I want every creature to have a home of their own.

I don’t Spring Clean because I love all the seasons and don’t want the others to get jealous . 

I don’t pull weeds in the garden because I don’t want to get in God’s way, HE is an excellent designer! I don’t do gourmet meals because I don’t want my guests to stress out when they invite me

over for dinner.

I don’t iron because I choose to believe them when they say “Permanent Press”.

I don’t put things away because  my husband will never be able to find them again.

 

I don’t stress much on anything because “A Type” personalities die young and I want to stick around

and become a wrinkled up crusty ol’ woman!!!!

 

 

 I gotta run and do some shopping for the celebration cookout that I’m having for TPMidge and hubby. They both graduated with their Master’s Degrees last weekend.

And,nothing says, “I’m proud of you” in a more redneck way then grilling weenies, throwing horseshoes, and building a fire for toasting marshmallows!

Hope you all have a great Memorial Day weekend!!! And, if you’ve got nothing planned, come on over to the TrailerPark and have a hot dog.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tags: 4070009876, bad spelling hustler, ED ads, handy excuses for work around the house, junk email, scam telephone calls, telephone scams

For My Southern Female Blogging Friends…..

 

I’ve been lazy about posting lately. I’ve probably lost some regular readers. Darn it! I was up to around 7-8, too! Oh well…..maybe, I’ll pick up one or two that have never been here. Or not! I need to remind myself why I started blogging. It wasn’t to get hits or become a popular blog in the beginning. It was just to use as an outlet for frustrations and also, to record some of the crazy shenanigans that go on around here. I need to go back to my blogging roots write/post whatever suits my fancy and quit thinking about other people’s fancies.

Speaking of roots….I need to take care of the brown/gray ones that are showing  in my hair. I’ll do that next after I finish this post.

This next item stood out like a tranny at a Tupperware party. Which reminds me that I once had a tranny Tupperware representative on-line. He dressed up like Dorothy from Wizard of Oz and it was really cool. I got a show with every burpee lid bowl that I ordered! Not sure what happened to him. I changed computers and didn’t move my contacts to this one. I need to find that contact since my burpee lids no longer burp! 

I noticed the following link coming in to my blog this morning. HUH? Anybody a translator? What does it say?

くんちのバックステージ linked here saying, “最近停滞気味だったけど、ネットみつけた色々。ソフトバンクのパケット定額を980円に納める為の簡単計算 …” 

The following item was in my email this morning from my SIL. This probably looks like a lazy TPB post since I’m just copying and pasting something that I received. But, I liked it and found most of it to be true of all the women that I know.

Southern women appreciate their natural assets:

Clean skin.

A winning smile.

That unforgettable Southern drawl.

Southern women know their manners:

“Yes, sir.”

“Why, no, Billy!”

Southern women have a distinct way with fond expressions :

“Y’all come back!”

“Well, bless your heart.”

“Drop by when you can.”

“How’s your Momma?”

Southern women know their summer weather report:

Humidity

Humidity

Humidity:

Southern women know their vacation spots:

The beach

The rivuh

The crick

Southern women know the joys of June, July, and August:

Colorful hi-heel sandals

Strapless sun dresses

Iced sweet tea

Southern women know everybody’s first name:

Honey

Darlin’

Shugah

Southern women know the movies that speak to their hearts:

Fried Green Tomatoes

Driving Miss Daisy

Steel Magnolias

Gone With The Wind

Southern women know their religions:

Baptist

Methodist

Football

Southern women know their country breakfasts:

Gravy

Grits

Eggs

Country ham or Bacon

Mouth-watering homemade biscuits with momma’s homemade jelly

Southern women know their cities dripping with Southern charm:

Chawl’stn

S’vanah

Foat Wuth

N’awlins

Addlanna

Southern women know their elegant gentlemen:

Men in uniform

Men in tuxedos

Rhett Butler

Southern girls know their prime real estate:

The Mall

The Country Club

The Beauty Salon

Southern girls know the 3 deadly sins:

Having bad hair and nails

Having bad manners

Cooking bad food

More Suthen-ism’s:

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don’t “HAVE” them, you “PITCH” them.

_____

Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up “a mess.”

_____

Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of “yonder.”

_____

Only a Southerner knows exactly how long “directly” is, as in: “Going to town, be back directly.”

_____

Even Southern babies know that “Gimme some sugar” is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table…

_____

All Southerners know exactly when “by and by” is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

_____

Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who’s got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of mashed potatoes. If the neighbor’s trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!

_____

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between “right near” and “a right far piece..” They also know that “just down the road” can be 1 mile or 20

_____

Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol’ boy, and po’ white trash.

_____

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

_____

A Southerner knows that “fixin” can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

_____

Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, …… and when we’re “in line,”… we talk to everybody!

_____

Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they’re related, even if only by marriage.

_____

In the South, y’all is singular, all y’all is plural.

_____

Southerners know grits come from corn, and how to eat them.

_____

Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

_____

When you hear someone say, “Well, I caught myself 20lookin’,” you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

_____

Only true Southerners say “sweet tea” and “sweet milk.” Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it — we do not like our tea unsweetened. “Sweet milk” means you don’t want buttermilk.

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And a true Southerner knows you don’t scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, “Bless her heart” … and go your own way.

_____

To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart!

_____

And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, … bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin’ to have classes on Southernneese as a second language!

_____

And for those who are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all y’all need a sign to hang on y’alls front porch that reads “I ain’t from the South, but I got here as fast as I could.”

Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fahevah !

I’ve been wanting to use this picture in a post but haven’t (as usual) gotten around to it. I think it’s really funny….

Hope y’all have a great weekend!

Tags: Chinese language, lazy blog posting, southern slang, southern speech, southern women, stool bus

Redneck Love…The Saga Continues

I wrote the original post about Lacie about a year ago. This is the second update on her life. It’s long but I hope you read it all.

Yes, Virginia….there are real white trash, redneck people……..

I cross my fingers…hope to die….stick a needle in my eye…..the following story is true. Hard to believe but very, very true. Some of you will say…”Nah, no way. It’s impossible that anybody has a white trash person in there family with that is that  much dumbness!” I assure you….she is real.

And, her wedding was too white trash/redneck even for CMT’s redneck weddings/Tom Arnold.

I had to give it some thought before writing this post. I may appear heartless and better-than-you-are-nana nana-boo-boo (some of y’all will be familiar with that little taunt) but it’s the price I pay for my never ending drive to amuse and entertain thru blogging.

Besides, if I didn’t record the family’s history and events, who would? Do you actually think that my brother who lives in a car wash (yes, hon, this is true, too. See past post)* would have the time or inclination to be the family historian. Alright already, I know what you are thinking. She’s justifying making fun of her relatives. And, I say….Hel No, I’m not. I don’t need to justify the telling of true stories. And, if I’ve got to have them in my family then the least compensation that I could receive is the right to use them as material for my blog.

Right before midnight last night, I got a call from my niece I will call Lacie. Lacie tends to forget that some of us get up before noon and go to bed at a reasonable hour in order to do so. Lacie has never had a job and sleeps until around two-ish everyday excepton weekend when she sleeps in. Lacie is on a government disability check and is a proud card carrying lifetime member on the state welfare roll. She has 3 children, one of whom recently chose to go live withhis dad. Lacie is a hypochondriac with a habit of going to the ER via ambulance on weekend nights. I wondered for a long time why then? I got my answer thru a few phone conversations in which she mentioned several different people by name.

“And, who is “fill-in blank”, Lacie”, I’d ask her.

“Oh, I met him/her at the ER and we became friends”, she would say.

So, apparently, there are a group of people who regularly go to the ER on Saturday nite…..kinda like a social gathering. I believe they have formed some kind of club. PWVERSWR….People who visit ER’s withregularity. Lacie has actually traded photos of her kids with some of the other club members. And, the best part of this club is that it is totally free to the members. Never mind, that we, the taxpayers, are paying out of our hiney for those ambulance rides. Oh crap, don’t get me started on this. Oh wait, you didn’t. I did. Enough about massive abuse of taxpayer money. That’s for another time.

I’m sure that you are thinking, “Why doesn’t she just get to the damn point!”

Patience, dear. Patience. Without some background history, you cannot begin to appreciate the conversation that Lacie and I had close to midnight on Saturday.

Lacie has many, many illnesses. Why, the dear girl even had something wrong withher prostate! I didn’t bother telling her that she doesn’t own a prostate. She is unable to walk very far. On this one, I did try to tell her that sleeping all day and eating a diet of fried foods, chips, and cakes might be a little bit of the cause. I encourage her to get up earlier, changer her diet a bit, and maybe, try taking a small walk every day. She countered that with the fact that she gets to use the Rascals at WalMart so it wasn’t a big problem.

Lacie’s first time at driving a Rascal was somewhat un-nerving. More for the WalMart workers than for her. She got behind the wheel (oh yeah, she doesn’t have a driver’s license and had never driven anything in her life except a Big Wheel) and proceeded to mow down an entire display of greeting cards. And, a clerk. She was indignant startled knocked out of the Rascal on her very large ass. She threatened to sue. I think the outbreak of laughter whenever she told this story may have stopped that.

Lacie is, also, to put it bluntly a really, really, really bad housekeeper. If I ever had to go to her house, I stayed standing looking out of the corners of my eyes for the very large roaches that have built their own roach motels in her house. And, then, there are the 15+ cats. Maybe, more. That house is so dirty and piled up with stuff, that even I, a serious card carrying hoarder, can not take it for longer than 5 minutes.

Now, you have some background info, so on to the call right before midnight.

“ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring” Oh, my phone was ringing right before midnight. Y’all know what goes thru your mind when you get a call right before midnight. A family member is hurt. A family member has been in an accident. A loved one has died. Your brother is in the hospital on suicide watch again. Your nephew is back in jail. That kind of stuff. So, with a trembling hand, I answered it expecting the worse.

“Hello”….I couldn’t keep the fear out of my voice.

And, I hear….laughter. WTH? A prankster? I’ll trace this call and…..

“Hey! It’s me….Lacie! Guess what!? You’ll never guess! Guess!!!!!” she said.

“I dunno. You wrecked another Rascal?” I really didn’t feel like playing this game.

“Uh, uh “giggles” uh “giggles” I’m “giggles” getting married!” she said giggling.

“Really? To whom? And, when?”….I was definitely not giggling.

“To i-can’t remember-his-name (me, I can’t remember his name. She can. I hope). We’re getting married this coming weekend. And, I want you to be in it!….she was wound up tight, I tell ya. “And, I want TrailerParkBarbie t sing in it!”…….Uh oh, TPB is not going to be very happy about this.

Me….”Well, you’ll have to ask her if you want her to sing. And, exactly what am I suppose to be in your wedding? I know, I’ll be your photographer!”……….Oh yes, thank you, Lord. This pictures could be priceless! And, the video on youtube! Maybe, CMT would be interested in Her Big Redneck Wedding!!!!

Lacie….”I’ve been trying to call her”. Didn’t have the heart to tell her that TPS has caller ID. She went on,”And I won’t have a phone after tomorrow. So, will you tell her?”

Me….”Why won’t you have a phone?”

Now, it gets good.

Lacie….”Mine has been cut off because I couldn’t pay my bill. And, this one belongs to “whathisname” and it’s going to be turned off on Monday”.

Me….”Why haven’t ya’llpaid your bills?” I already knew the answer to why she didn’t. She had her land phone turned off so many times and had to come up withdeposits each time to turn it back on. The last time, she just didn’t even fool with it. The bill remained unpaid. The phone got turned off and she went and got a cellphone…..which apparently had fallen to the same neglect of payment. So, I wondered why “whathisname”’s phone was being turned off.

Here we go. A story of LOVE!

(which brings to mind this lovely poem by Nate Owens )

Lacie…”Because we were at WalMartand we were looking at rings and he bought one with his phone money!”

Lacie…”I said, ‘but, but, but, …what about your phone’? And he said, “I don’t need a phone. I need you. I need your love.” …..(Awwww, true love. Admit it, girls….you’d just melt if you heard those words…”I don’t need a phone. I need you!”) 

   “heartless snickering here“

Can’t help it. I know what she looks like and how goofy she is. And, I also, know that she gets up in time to watch her stories (Soaps) and leans toward talking like the characters when she’s talking about her life. She continued talking….

“Then, he got down on one knee right there at the jewelry counter and proposed to me“…..again. I don’t know this guy. I’ve never seen him. But, here is what I do know. He is middle-aged, has no job, and has no problem sharing her home with her mess, roaches, and cats. In other words, he’s a loser. Let me add that he doesn’t mind sharing her gov checks either.**

I’ll try to go a little faster. This is turning into a novel.

Lacie got all emotional (teary-eyed, jumping up and down, screaming) and fell over. Flat on the floor right there in front of the jewelry case at WalMarton a Saturday during the first of the monthwhich is like a major holiday in this area because of all the gov checks received at the beginning of the month. In my mind, I can see a large number of people watching this unfold. I can, also, see the manager saying to himself, “Please, God, don’t let that be the woman who wrecked the Rascal laying there in my floor. PLEASE!”

Lacie said that she had a seizure. Now, it is true that she actually does have some type of a seizure on occasion. However, her claim that she has had seizures since she was a baby and her mom didn’t know it is very questionable. Add the fact that I saw her frequently when she was a baby and never saw a seizure. I’m in the school of thought that says she actually had a brain fart (original idea) now and then and didn’t know what it was.

So, Lacie and her beloved rode the ambulance home where she took some medicine and lay down on the six cats that were sleeping on the sofa and went to sleep for a while. Then, like any good white trash woman, she got up and went back to WalMart to finish her shopping. She informed me that she had found the perfect dress and shoes…..at WalMart. The dress cost $20 and I am just praying that it does not have Taz, Mickey, or Winnie the Pooh on the front because she has a real thing for that type of  Disney fashion. I forgot to ask her what the sandals cost but I’m pretty sure they are jelly sandals

.

I proceeded to drill Lacie on details of her wedding.

Me…”So, where are you getting married and what time?”

Lacie…”I dunno. We still gotta figure that out.”

Me…”Who is performing the ceremony?”

Lacie…”Well, we have 2 preachers and need to pick one.”

Me…”Who are they?”

Lacie…”Uh uh uh….one is from a church down the street. I don’t know his name. The other one is one that I met at the ER.”

Me (trying to be helpful. Y’all stop laughing. I really was!) “Don’t you think that you need to talk to one of them a few days ahead of time and see if they’ll be available?”

Lacie…”giggle giggle” “Yeah, I guess we’re gonna have to figure that out, too.”

Now, it is almost one a.m. and I’ve had enough. I’m tired. I am not in good thinking mode and want to go to bed.

Me…”Well, did you tell your dad or your brother?”

Lacie…”Not yet. I’m gonna have to figure that out.”

Me…”Figure what out? All ya gotta do is call them.”

Lacie…”Yeah, but, uh, uh, I’m not gonna have a phone. So, I’m gonna have to figure that out.”

Me…”Well, congratulations. I really need to go to bed now. Let me know where and when.”

If this wedding takes place, I will do everything in my power to be there. Taking pics and video just so I can prove to y’all that this is true. And, besides, I’ve already got my wedding outfit picked out….a nifty sundress with Eyeore really big and right smack on the front.

Ain’t love grand.

Funny thing is, I found myself lying in bed later thinking about how much I’d like to be Lacie for a while. Do things by the seat of my pants. Not caring what other people thought about me. And, getting excited enough to go into a seizure. And….no more house cleaning!

UPDATE: 6/4/08 Lacie’s wedding has been postponed. So, all y’all who had planned on taking your vacation time to attend, please note the new date. July 4, 2008. YeeHaw….a real redneck wedding with fireworks!

Lacie just called and said that she was crossing the road and fell into a pot hole and sprained/broke her ankle. She was at the ER and had not been x-rayed yet. What is surprising to me is that she was walking across the road. Laci won’t go anywhere that requires walking. She “needs” the rascal”. (She claims)  Must have been giving away free tator chips or something on the other side of the road.

I’ve been on pins and needles waiting for the call to come with wedding details. But, when I finally got the call, it was to inform me that she had just gotten married!

DAMMIT!!!!!

Oh, sure, I’m happy for her, etc. etc. etc. But, I really wanted to attend and even better, take pics and movie. With one phone call, she wiped away all my dreams of being the next famous Youtube-er.

DAMMIT!!!!!

Instead, I was talking on the phone with the new Mrs. Lacie Drake.

Lacie Drake…..sounds like either a porn star or soap opera name. Actually, I rather like it. Presenting, for your entertainment…..Lacie Drake…..

She was plum giddy with joy. At least, I think she was but since she acts pretty silly most of the time, I can’t swear to it.

With out further rambling, here are the details that I have so far:

Lacie and Mr. Drake decided on July 1 to “just up and do it” on the 4thof July. She tried to call her dad. His phone was off the hook. She tried to call 2 uncles with no luck. She thought she had called me and let me know the details but she had not. Love makes you idle-brained (LOL that’s an inside joke to myself and I’m laughing at it). So, it was a small wedding.

Her two daughters and her son attended. One daughter sang a country song. Poor girl has never sang in public. She’s only 12. Sang with no music. Bless her heart! And, I’m not being sarcastic. I’ll bet her heart was full of music. After all, she was finally getting a daddy. I really hope that he will be good to those kids. They’ve had a hard life.

Now,everybody ready for the good parts?

Her son moved out of her house and in with his father about 8 months ago. This is not an ex-husband but a baby daddy. One of her baby daddy. Tom (name changed for protection of me) drove several hours from another state to bring his/her son to the wedding. That was very nice of him. He did something just as nice for her. I think he did it for her but could have had an ulterior motive, like making sure she got married which would most likely free him and his new wife from her harassment He has never paid court-ordered child support so there was no financial gain, either.. He bought them some wedding rings. Little gold bands. I find this to be very thoughtful but a little weird. How many of us can say that our baby daddy bought wedding rings for us and our new husbands?

I’m not sure how this came about but she got married in the Church of the Nazarene (which is a very lovely church). And, he must have been a lovely pastor because instead of the traditional couple pays the pastor, this pastor paid them since they were broke from the taxi cab ride to the church. Actually, he gave them money to go to Kroger’s or Wal-Mart and buy themselves a wedding cake. What a generous and kind thing to do!

Then, the son baby daddy offered to take the two girl’s (he’s not their baby daddy) for a few days to give Mr. and Mrs. Drake time alone (to make a porn movie? Lacie Drake just sounds like a porn name to me. But, secretly I want it. I want the name…..Lacie Drake. I want to get all decked out with a sexy dress and CMF pumps and enter a room. And announce…..Drake. Lacie Drake. That’s my name. Now, don’t wear it out. I thin that last part was from Pee-Wee’s playhouse. Of course, PeeWeeis associated with porn, too.

Drunk with love, Lacie and Mr. Drake decided to hell with a cake. Instead, they used the money to go to a traveling carnival…..where they each got to ride the Octopus, the Scrambler, the Ferris Wheel, and the Haunted House!

Got married on the 4th of July. Got to watch fireworks on your wedding night.

Got to ride the Scrambler!!!

DAMMIT! I’m pissed!!!! I didn’t get to take pictures. But secretly, I would love for my wedding to have been that cool (’cept the not having any money part).

CONGRATULATIONS MR AND MRS DRAKE (ALONG, OF COURSE, WITH YOUR KIDS AND MANY, MANY, MANY CATS!)

1-05-09

Hi y’all…..I’ve been slacking ’round here really bad. I’ve got tons of stuff to write about. My life might not be front page gossip-column material but sometimes, it is quite interesting.

I’ll write about my White Trash Christmas in the next post. But, right now, I just can’t resist updating y’all on The Life Of Mrs. Drake.

“Lacie” aka Mrs. Drake (I still think that sounds like a porn star/soap opera name) has been pretty much unreachable until this week. Her phone was disconnected (but, hey, she did get a ring!) and I had no way to call her. Sure, I could have gone over to her house. And, I would have if I didn’t mind sharing a seat with monster-size cockroaches and more cats than The Original Infamous Crazy Cat Lady. “Lacie” has soooo many cats that her tombstone should read…..

So, since it is winter and fresh air is a scarce commodity at the Drake household, try as I might, I just could not bring myself to go visit. I figured that I’d wait until late spring/early summer so that we might be able to sit outside. I’m not exaggerating. If only I were!

Over the weekend, I got a call from Lacie (no more quotation marks. Y’all get my drift by now). She seemed deleriously happy in her married life. Truthfully, though, she seems pretty deleriouspretty much most of the time about pretty much everything.  As I have stated before, I envy her breaks with reality and the ability to live in her own Laciland. I wouldn’t mind being so clueless sometimes.

Once again, I’m getting off-subject. So, back to the Drake household. It would take a novella-size post to repeat the entire conversation so here is a Cliff-note style summation.

 Lacie left out one minor detail about her new husband. Actually, that’s not true. She left out several details about her beloved.

1. She is the fifth Mrs. Drake

2. Her dearest is a convict. When she first called (read the whole post) to announce her impending wedding, I asked her what he did for a living. She said that he did “odd jobs” aka “no job“. What I discovered in the latest conversation is that he does leave for work on a regular schedule and comes on at the same time every evening. I know those of y’all who have followed the “Lacie Saga” are just holding your breath waiting for me to tell you that I was wrong about him. Nope…not gonna do it. His “JOB” is reporting to an inmate work-release program. He got busted selling prescription drugs. And, this was before she married him.

3. Lacie still seems to believe that I desire to have conversations with her favorite cat/cats on the phone. I’m sure that everyone has bit there tongue a time or two when a friend or relative insists that you talk to little Johnny or Susie, their blabbering toddler. Try talking to someone who wants to put Stinky, the cat, on the phone. What the hell am I suppose to say to a cat….”Meow are you today? Did you by any chance see that article in Cat Fancy about……?”

4. Worse than being shoved into holding a telephone with a purring cat at the other end is being shoved into holding the phone while Mrs. Drake insist on putting Mr. Drake on the phone. What the hell am I suppose to say…..”So, how’s work-release going? Made any friends?”

5. This is sickly hilarious. It seems that Mrs. Drake #4 , also, happens to be on the same work-release program as Lacie’s man. This seems to be causing lots of problems as she (#4) has been trying to push #5 (Lacie) out of the picture so that she and Mr. Drake might reunite. Mr. Drake has gone so far as to complain and has requested to be transfered to a different WR program. His request is pending. Now that’s TRUE LOVE!

6. Lacie had a wonderful Christmas, for which I am seriously grateful. Honest, I really am. She received the following gifts from her spouse. (a) a Tigger tee (b) a stuffed cat (c) a Hello Kitty necklace (d) Fluffy cat couch throw . Is it just me or do y’all see a feline pattern here, too?

7. As I mentioned before, Lacie has 3 kids. Her son chose to go live with his biological dad about 1-2 years ago. Her daughters, age 12 and 13, presently reside with her. For Christmas (which was delayed until she got her welfare check the 1st of Jan), she got both girls a cellphone that you load with minutes. Each girl got 130 minutes when their phones were activated on Jan. 2. Today is Jan. 5. Both girls have used all of their minutes as of yesterday. I wonder if they are calling 911 a lot?

8. Lacie has been having visions of her mother who died 3 years ago. These only occur when she’s sleeping. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that they are called dreams. In the visions,  her mother is assuring her of the love of Mr. Drake, and, of his unquestionable faithfulness . Maybe, I’m too cynical, but I get the feeling that Mr. Drake is disguising his voice as a woman and talking in her ear when she is sleeping. Call me crazy but…..

9. And, finally, in the Saga of Mrs. Drake, there is one more thing.  This probably should be 8b and connected to the last paragraph but a #9 is more impressive and makes the post longer. Mr. Drake’s brother is trying to “put the moves”  (her words) on Lacie. Seems he thinks that she “has money” (her words, again).  I suppose if you are a broke-ass, lazy dude with no future, those welfare and SSI checks seem almost Trumpish.

10. I’m sure that I’ll remember more of the conversation after I post this. If that is the case, I’ll be back!

There you have it…..the latest chapter of the RL Redneck Wedding Saga of The Drakes. And, I still cross my fingers-hope to die-stick a needle in my eye swear that this is all true.

I do soooo love my family. Life is not boring ’round here.

*Footnote 1……my brother is “moving on up”. Since living in the car,  he has moved twice, bettering himself each time. He moved from the car to a car wash. He got a job at the car wash and the owner allowed him to move into the maintenance building. Very wet place. It was OK during warm weather but cold weather came and lived in a land of frozen icicles.  He now has a camper that some people from a church donated to him and is living in it. I don’t think that  this will last very long. He has a pattern of joining a church and presenting himself as humble, poor, and kind. He has a “gift” of making people feel sorry for him. Then they help him until he loses his temper and does something crazy like call the pastor an asshole or something else offensive. At the present time, he is “preaching” once a week at the church. Where in the world he got “preacher qualified”, I don’t have a clue. I’ll write more about him some day.

5-30-09 Update….

Lacie has not been phoning me or TPSkipper very often. Finally, on Friday, TPS got a call from Lacie. Her phone had been cut off again and that’s why we couldn’t reach her or get a call from her. She wanted us to know that she is moving from the house that she has lived in for the past 10 years. She got evicted due to an enormous cat population and mold growing uncontrollably thru-out the Love Shack. She told Skipper that her husband was such a thoughtful and wonderful husband that he had patched the tires on his bicycle (LOL) and ridden in to a city that was about 12 miles away to look for them a place to live. I can’t help wondering if it would not have been easier if he had just pitched in and cleaned up the mess that they were living in. Anyway, he found them an apartment and they were packing their stuff for the move. I’m wondering how many bicycle trips that it will take to move all of their boxes to their new house?

My family….dysfunctional and strange…..but, always good for an interesting true story!

Tags: carnival honeymoon, evicted for too many cats, ex-husbands, humongous roaches, jelly shoes, porn star name, proposing in WalMart, Rascal riding, redneck love, redneck wedding, Tigger shirt, WalMart, watching too many soap operas, white trash life, white trash wedding, white trash wedding attire

Keeping It Real….The Politics of Death

I’ve been busier than a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest. I just got back from Washington, D.C.

I have lots to write about from the trip. But, that will have to wait.

I got a call the day before I left D.C. that my favorite aunt had died. She had been ill for quiet some time and it came as no big surprise. Still, it was very sad news.

I wrote about her in a post a while back. She and her husband had been married for over 50 years and had a wonderful love story……Hunky Joe and Rooster…A True Love Story. This was one of the first posts that I wrote at wordpress. There are misspellings and grammar mistakes. Please overlook those and dwell instead on an amazing love story.

As I write this, I wonder what will become of Uncle Joe. I can’t imagine him living without his Rooster.

For those of you who pray, please include Joe in your prayers tonight. He will be so lost living alone, without his best friend/wife/lover/confidant.

R.I.P. Rooster

I wrote that yesterday. I was going to do a new post about this but have decided that it fits well in this one.

I think that The Politics Of Death are pretty much universal. POD in my family means:

Who was the current favorite of the dead person?

Which faction of the family gets to “sit up front?”

Who will make up the mini-groups that gossip about each other?

Who’s flower arrangement is the biggest/brightest/most expensive?

Who is on the shit list for not attending the funeral?

Me? I’m a funeral rebel. Never cared to be included in any of that messy, hurtful stuff.  You don’t fool anybody else in the family. It’s been obvious for years which ones are there out of love or grief and which ones are there to see if they had some booty left to them. Some come to see if they get to move up the hierarchical ladder with this death. Reminds me of vultures.

Rooster was a lovely and caring person who was always there when her family needed her. One of her sisters ( one of my other aunts) is almost the exact opposite. She delights in turning one family member against another. Then, she swoops in on one of the “hurt” parties and pretends to be a concerned and loving person. She will become that person’s BFF except the F only last until her unsavory acts become transparent. Rooster had borne the brunt of her antics for many years. She started rumors about my uncle cheating which were proven to be totally false. She is that person who is fun to be around but the minute you turn your back, the knife will go in and you can feel the twisting of it. 

Seriously, if you are not in her faction, you can count on being the subject of nasty gossip and outright lies. Right now, I’m on her shit list, anyway, so it doesn’t matter. I’m on her shit list because at the last funeral (my sister’s), I had the nerve to sit with Rooster, whom she was estranged from at the time. I found it to be somewhat amusing that when my brother called Hunky Joe yesterday, my Evil Aunt was already in his living room “consoling” him.

Consoling = scoping out what she can profit/benefit from with Rooster’s death. I’m hoping that she doesn’t have her claws ready to take adavantage of Joe’s grief and scoop him up like a vulture would do to dead meat on a highway.

If I’m “lucky” enough to be nabbed and included in “her group”, I’ll have the pleasure of hearing her criticism of everything from the coffin to what color lipstick was chosen for Rooster.

Then, of course, after the service, the different factions will go off  in seperate directions and proceed to tear each other apart.

Funerals…..afterall, the first 3 letters are FUN.

I’m off to shower and get dressed now. I’m considering hiding a can of  pepper spray in my bra.

Tags: an amazing love story, death, disliking your relatives, family splits, funeral begins with f-u-n, funeral vultures, Hunky Joe, losing your soul mate, politics of death, Rooster, who sits up front

Tired of Ho-Hum Cursing?

If you are a blogger like me, then I’ll bet you get tired of using the same ol’ curse words over and over. Fret no more! I have found the perfect solution to all those boring “asshole”, “dickwad”, “biotch”, and other over-used  and common white trash  gutter words.

Recently, while in an Urban Outfitters, I found this masterpiece of literacy…..

(sorry for the light glare on the pictures)

Priced at only$9.95 plus tax, this book has proved to be worth every single penny. Believe me, blogging friends, you will want more than one copy. Personally, I am going to purchase 2 more copies….one for my office and another to keep in my car.

No more screaming out a bland “Hey, buttmunch” at the person who cut me off in traffic. No! No! No! With just a flip of the pages, I can find grade-A, colorful random phrases such as…..

 

or……

and one of my personal favs…..

I am not going to take the time to take pictures of the whole book but there are, also, delightful  combo phrases such as…..

diaper biter, bitch sniffer, diaper muncher,cooch dangler,pube flap,slut chunk,fetus pincher,poop plug, and sooooo many more!

I strongly urge any serious blogger to buy a copy of this mix and match profanity generator as soon as possible.  Amaze your readers, friends, co-workers, neighbors, and family with your endless supply of original curse words. You’ll never lose an argument again. Who could possibly come up with a retort to “Oh yeah, well, you are a scum licking scrotum junkie!”

Just imagine all the last words that you can get in while arguing with a know-it-all blogging troll who has attacked your opinion that you have posted on something.

I love this book so much that I think that I will buy everyone on my Christmas list a copy!!!!!

Tags: cooch, creative cursing, how-to-book, poop plug, profanity, queef, queef clot, schlong fondler, scrotum, twat chunk

Under Neat That….

Some of y’all may have seen this but I thought it was really funny and decided to share it.

This happened (not this cake) to TPMidge and her hubby about a year ago. I can’t remember exactly what was written on the cake but it was something that made no sense. It was a birthday cake for Midge’s hubby. When it was called in, the bakery girl was told something on the order of….”it should say blah-blah-blah AND…

It came out…”Happy Birthday Ann”.

The one below takes the prize, though.

 

This cake is for someone who is moving away…….

Okay so this is how I imagine this conversation went:

 

Walmart Employee:‘Hello ‘dis be Walmarts, how can I hep you?’

 

Customer:‘ I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week.’

 

Walmart Employee:‘What you want on da cake?’

 

Customer:‘Best Wishes Suzanne’and underneath that‘We will miss you’.

 

 

Tags: birthday cake, screwed up writing on bday cake, this is funny, under neat that, WalMart

What Would Capt. America Do?

(Nobody Knows The Troubles I’ve Seen) 

Lately, life is…

depressing

dark

disturbing

scary

unpredictable

and, downright not enjoyable.

I read something a while back that said that you should do at least one thing everyday that brings you some joy. Lately, it’s been really hard to follow that advise. Unless, you can count giving the finger to somebody who cut you off while you were in a funeral procession. And, that was not really joy….more like stress relief.

I went off all antidepressants and the like in early spring. It was against doctor’s orders. What do they know about my emotions? Nada…that’s what.  My thought was that the summer sun would do the trick and perk me up. But, we haven’t had much sun around here for at least a month. It has rained almost every day with a few very short breaks of sunshine. Just enough sunshine to tease ya into thinking that everything will be just hunky-monkey-dorey with life.

Yes, DR (dear readersreader), I know that I am suppose to be humorous. But, dammit, it’s getting harder and harder to be funny. There is nothing to laugh about lately. O-He-Can-Walk-On-Water-Then-Turn-It-Into-Wine-bama is scaring the bejeesus out of me with all of his gov. take-overs and mandates. He wants to tell us what cars to drive, what we can eat, drink, smoke, etc. Next week will probably bring new rules and regulations about what we can wear. That might not be so bad. He could tell all of the people who insist on showing us their buttcracks to pull their pants up.

I see a “bad moon arisin’. I’m just full of dark lyrics lately.

CCR…Bad Moon Arising

I see the bad moon arising.
I see trouble on the way.
I see earthquakes and lightnin.
I see bad times today.

Dont go around tonight,
Well, its bound to take your life,
Theres a bad moon on the rise. 

I hear hurricanes ablowing.
I know the end is coming soon.
I fear rivers over flowing.
I hear the voice of rage and ruin.

Hope you got your things together.
Hope you are quite prepared to die.
Looks like were in for nasty weather.
One eye is taken for an eye.

I’m just a regular ton-o-fun today!

WWCA do? Capt. America…..flag-painted Harley. Cool dude. Peter Fonda in Easy Rider. 

I was pretty young when this film came out. But, being privileged to hang around with the first real “hippie” crowd in my small town, I was  ahead of other kids my age when it came to counter-culture stuff. (My best friend’s sister was the first person to be busted for pot possession in our town. LOL)

I remember watching this movie with my friend, Kay. When the redneck shot Billy and CA at the end, we were so pissed off that we started planning to run away from home. Why run away from home? That really didn’t make much sense but in our young minds, it was what we thought we needed to do. We never got beyond the planning, though. Couldn’t go far with $9.35 and no car. But then, what good would a car have been anyway? Neither of us were old enough to have a driver’s license. “sigh” I miss those good old days.

It’s been raining for the better part of a month. I need some SERIOUS SUN! Looking out my kitchen window this morning at all the mini-swamps all over my yard was just downright sad. I’m sure that it didn’t help anything that Fox news was playing in the background. Reporting the election in Iran, the craziness of Elvis-wannabe in North Korea, etc.

For some reason, the following song from Easy Rider started playing in my head……

 

Roger McGuinn – It’s Alright Ma / I’m Only Bleeding Lyrics (click on title for entire lyrics. They were just too long to post the entire song here. Besides, most of my peeps would get depressed about one third way thru them and quit reading. So, I took the liberty of deleting some of the verses).

Darkness at the break of noon
Shadows even the silver spoon
The handmade blade, the child’s balloon
Eclipses both the sun and moon
To understand you know too soon
There is no sense in trying.

Pointed threats, they bluff with scorn
Suicide remarks are torn
From the fool’s gold mouthpiece
The hollow horn plays wasted words
Proves to warn
That he not busy being born
Is busy dying.

Temptation’s page flies out the door
You follow, find yourself at war
Watch waterfalls of pity roar
You feel to moan but unlike before
You discover
That you’d just be
One more person crying.

While preachers preach of evil fates
Teachers teach that knowledge waits
Can lead to hundred-dollar plates
Goodness hides behind its gates
But even the president of the United States
Sometimes must have
To stand naked.

Advertising signs that con you
Into thinking you’re the one
That can do what’s never been done
That can win what’s never been won
Meantime life outside goes on
All around you.

You lose yourself, you reappear
You suddenly find you got nothing to fear
Alone you stand with nobody near
When a trembling distant voice, unclear
Startles your sleeping ears to hear
That somebody thinks
They really found you.

Although the masters make the rules
For the wise men and the fools
I got nothing, Ma, to live up to.

While some on principles baptized
To strict party platform ties
Social clubs in drag disguise
Outsiders they can freely criticize
Tell nothing except who to idolize
And then say God bless him.

While one who sings with his tongue on fire
Gargles in the rat race choir
Bent out of shape from society’s pliers
Cares not to come up any higher
But rather get you down in the hole
That he’s in.

Old lady judges watch people in pairs
Limited in sex, they dare
To push fake morals, insult and stare
While money doesn’t talk, it swears
Obscenity, who really cares
Propaganda, all is phony.

My eyes collide head-on with stuffed graveyards
False gods, I scuff
At pettiness which plays so rough
Walk upside-down inside handcuffs
Kick my legs to crash it off
Say okay, I have had enough
What else can you show me?

And if my thought-dreams could be seen
They’d probably put my head in a guillotine
But it’s alright, Ma, it’s life, and life only.

If the Capt. would in my shoes today, I think Capt America would do the following…..

1.Light up a big fattie

2.Tie his American flag bandana around his neck

3.Start up his Harley and listen to the music of the engine

4.Head on down the highway cause he was “born to be wild”.

(here ya go, Noe Noe Girl.  This is what we’d look like “being wild”)

I’m gonna follow his example with a few minute(LOL) adjustments.

I’m going to go take a shower. Find my umbrella. Start up my small Acura SUV. Rev up the engine…hey, at least it has TUBRO! Turn the XM radio to a 70′s station and crank up the volume.  Head on down the highway (must remember to avoid hitting deer, squirrels/wild turkey/people with dementia that wander around the trailerpark, etc)…to WalMart to get a birthday gift. Then, I’ll go “looking for adventure and whatever comes my way”…….which translates into going to a rainy cookout with Ball Park Franks and  watery potato salad. But, dammit, I’ll be wearing an American flag bandanna (under my disposable plastic rain hat)!!!!!! And, I’ll be on the look-out for the “pusher man” aka Humor ice cream truck. Those orange push-ups can be quite addictive.

Who knows? With a little luck, I’m might spot a hitch-hiker that looks like Jack Nicholson. Think I’ll throw an extra helmet in the back seat just in case!!! And, just maybe, he and I will take a short road trip detour. It would be fan-tassss-tic if we’d end up in a cemetery, hugging the 6 ft tall tombstones, talking gibberish, and crying. For those of you who don’t have a clue what I’m talking about, rent the movie, Easy Rider.

Billy….”I’m not a freak but I like to freak!”

Tags: American flag bandanna, Born To Be Wild, Captain America, cool people, counterculter, Creedence Clearwater Revival, depression, dope, Easy Rider, Easy Rider Movie, freak, Harley chopper, hippies, I'm Only Bleeding, Iran elections, looking for adventure, North Korea, obama, Peter Fonda, pot bust, rain, Roger McGinn, small town, smoking pot, smoking weed

Re-Mapping The United States…..

This needs no explanation. I present to you…the remapping of America……

I don’t know who created this map. But, as always, I will give them their credit if any of you kow who made this redneck masterpiece.

I’m not sure that my area, WV, is named correctly. I am pretty sure that we’d be uni-state…KKK and hickville. Or, maybe…the Great Territory of Dale Earnart #43 (who went to race in a better place. LOL Those bumper stickers always crack me up).

Tags: casinos, gays, hicksville, KKK, Mormans, redeck map, The US remapped, whores

Suggested Reading…..

I’ve got a few drafts started to post but can’t seem to get in the spirit of writing, lately. I guess I’ve hit the wall somewhat like a marathon runner does.But, I have to admit in full disclosure that is the only thing that I’d have in common with a runner. The only time that I will run is if I’m hungry and the restaurant is closing inn 2 minutes. Or, if I’m in line at a store that is giving away something to the first 20 customers. Or, I might run if being chased. But, that would totally depend on what I was being chased by….a wild boar, a mugger, a Jevohah’s Witness with a hand full of Watch Towers, etc.

OK….off topic AGAIN! Back to the original programming.

There has been many a time that I have sat down at my computer to write in this blog. But, instead, I have started blog surfing and reading and the next thing that I know, it’s morning and I’ve woke up with my head on my keyboard and the letters y,u,h,y, and k imprinted in my face for the next 24 hours. This might, also, explain why I’m having keyboard problems. I think that it just might be the mouth drool soaking the keys.

Below are a couple of the blogs that I read fairly regularly. I read them because they really make me laugh. And, they inspire me to blog in hopes that I will make somebody laugh.

To all my blogging buddies on my blogroll……No, I don’t think that these 2 blogs are any better than yours. As a matter of fact, I plan to post about my buddy-blogs in a future post. And, I strongly urge anyone who reads this to also click on some of my blog-friends’ links. You will discover some of the best insights into life via true stories ever.

But, for today, I present to you……..

 

MAD HAIKU…..THE BEST HAIKU EVER!    If you like haiku, you’ll love this guy. If you don’t like haiku, you’ll love this guy. He makes me seriously laugh out loud evertime I visit his blog. Go give him a shout-out and tell him TPB sent ya.

 

Crabby Old Fart….The Trouble With Young People Today

COF aka Donald Mills  blogs about what is wrong with young people today. From piercings to “disorders” and everything in between. Reading COF will remind you of your grandpa, your cranky next door neighbor, the hermit who lives in a tent on the outside of town, and lots more. He IS cranky. But, he is so damn lovable that you’ll find yourself wanting to bake him some cupcakes and have him over for coffee.

So, drop by Crabby Old Fart’s blog and tell him TPB sent ya.

Now, I’ve got to go shower. I’m meeting TPMidge for lunch. Then, I’ve got some ten dollar coupons from Penneys that have been burning a whole in my pocket for a week now. Being an obsessive shopper, I can’t resist the pull of the ten dollars of free stuff. It doesn’t matter that there is not a dadgone thing that I want there, it’s the excitement of getting something free. I’ll probably come back with a package of socks that no one can wear because they are too small or too large. But, I’ll feel great just knowing that I didn’t pay one cent for them.

That’s how an obsessive mind works. Don’t try to give me advice, analyze me, or fix me. I’ve learned to roll with it.

Tags: Crabby Old Fart, hitting the wall, Mad Haiku, obsessive shopping, really great blogs, shopping compulsion

The Dali Mama Knows All (Almost)…..

FROM THE DESK OF THE DALI MAMA (SEE OFFICIAL SEAL BELOW)

 

The  last 2 days’ search terms are …uh…hmmm…..nasty and sick with a few very interesting and downright funny ones thrown in.

Usually, I glance at them and then go about my business. But, last night, I heard the voice of the one who appointed me to be the Dali Mama. (Follow link to read about my great awakening). My loyal and trusty regular readers who by now must surely number into the thousands tens, know that my Dali Mama creator is the lovely all-knowing  mannish, Ann Coulter. 

“You are the DALI MAMA!” I heard Ann’s voice telling me. “It is your duty to educate the lost, the inquiring, the ones in the dark, and give them the answers that they seek.”

Not wanting to disappoint (or face the wrath) of Ms. Coulter, today I will try to help those that are lost and searching for answers.

Here we go…….

Since you pervs went to so much trouble to find your kind of sick shit, I feel that it is my duty to help you out,too. Either with a web link or some good ol’ down home redneck advice.

So, let’s get started…..

poontang….Poontange lead the search in numbers by far and that’s OK. After all, I do admittedly write a lot about my pootang aka coochie aka hickeydoodle and of course, cooter……OW OW OW My Poontange Hurts .

Other posts dealing with vajayjays and hoo-haws: She Got That Pap Smear Where? and Celebrating My Poontang.

White Trash Sex

white trash sex…..well, I’ll not berate those who landed here while looking for “white trash sex”. I only makes sense that searchers would think that I know all about white trash sex since I am the White Trash Queen of the Trailerpark. And, of course, I would have written something about white trash sex. So, here it is….White Trash Sex w/SuperGlue .  SMELLY, STINKY, DIRTY, LINT-FILLED BELLY BUTTONS
stuff in your belly button…….AHA…a serious question that I have, also, addressed in the past……..Does Your Belly Button Stink. and, TheStinkyBellyButtonClub, which I am pleased to report has gone international!!!!!
do bugs have asses……By golly, yes, Virginia, bugs do, indeed have butts.
what does it mean when your belly button….see Belly Button link above
my belly button is damp and smells……also, see Belly Button link above
porno cu virgie……”what the hell is a poro cu virgie?” Anybody know?
poontange…..apparently a French person looking for poontang. Remove that damn “E” and read the POONTANGE linke above.
pinch nipples….I’m stumped on this one. Do they want someone to pinch their nipples? Do they want to pinch somebody else’s nipples? Has their nipples been pinched by catching them in a bus door?  Here’s a link with dozens of nipple pinching ideas.

Also, there were several searches about stinky drawers:

smelling dirty underwear

stinky panty

caught sniffing her panties

stinky Sponge Bob boxers

I will not post a direct link for you, sicko. But, there is one called Slimey Butt-Butts that might meet your needs. I’m curious…..what happened to you as a kid that makes smelly drawers so pleasurable?

Then, they only got even weirder…..

sons getting mothers pregenet…..The only answer that I can give for that is to find a qualified mental health specialist. Oh, and a good obstetrician. And, definitely, a good church to attend. Oh yeah….a good bail bondsman. Plus, learn to spell.

SCREWING STUFFED CATS

Shame on you! Having sex with something that cannot even give consent!!!!! Be a man/woman and try it with a real cat. You might find the claw marks all over your body to be attractive.

This is just small sampling of the weird search terms that I get everyday. But, then, I’m the Dali Mama. I know am suppose to know the answers to all questions.

If you have a burning, embarassing, serious question….go ahead and ask me, The Dali Mama. I’ll either answer it or make  fun of you.

Tags: Ann Coulter, bug asses, Dali Mama, fetishes, nipple pinching, perverted search terms, poontang, sex with stuffed animals, stinky belly buttons, stinky panties, white trash sex

Random Thoughts In The Shower….

I have a dermatologist appt. today. I have a new mole that looks a little suspicious. See, Stan…I’m not the shatmaster that I claim to be. I didn’t make you wait all day to find out what I am going to the derma about. And, I knew that you’d just be sitting and biting your nails and eating Pringles (or something else not good for the figure or cholesteral) all day waiting for me to post.

“edited to add*……Stan  has written some very interesting/funny/morbid Top Ten facts about Michael Jackson in the comment section. If you’ve never had the pleasure of reading comments by Stan, here’s your chance.

Who is Stan, you ask. Stan is MY BESTEST OF THE RESTEST FRIEND WITHOUT NO DANG BENEFITS. And, he has a great mental health blog……IS SOMETHING NOT QUITE RIGHT WITH STAN.

I’ve had lots of ideas for posts lately but just can’t seem to get my thoughts all together. While in the shower earlier, I had a lot of rapid and random thoughts. This happens to me frequently….rapid thinking. Some days, it’s slow enough for me to jot down an idea but other days, the thoughts are replaced so fast that I can’t recall them.

I’ve only got a few minutes to write so here are some random thoughts that I had today…

1.Is Obama a vampire? 

 He seems to be able to “glam”  people like the vampires on True Blood do.  In the case of TB vamps, they “glam” aka mesmerize humans for feeding without killing. I’m beginning to think that this is what Obama does with the press and other unsavory people/organizations. Take notice of the members of a majority of the press when he concludes a press conference. Eyes glazed over, drool dripping from the corners of their mouths, and the look of a desperate lover.

2. I got a hefty penalty notice in the mail yesterday for not making personal tax deposits on time. I got the same heft penalty last year. If the IRA wouldn’t penalize me, then I could deposit that huge sum of money for personal taxes. Small business really gets a bum-deal. Now, it’s worse under Obama’s socialistic rule.

3.How did Barbara Walters get so famous and rich? She has that lisp thing going on and sometimes, she stutters. Not that I’m insinuating that there is anything wrong with either of those things. But, I just don’t get it….how she ended up on top of the broadcasting pyramid. When I see BaaBwa on the View, I flash back to her interview of Hugo Chavez. I vividly remember seeing BaaBwa’s nipples poking thru her blouse. Don’t know if she was cold or lusting after Hugo.

4.Would Keith Olbermann still have a show if Bill O’Reilly retired? 99% of his current show is nothing but insulting and taking jabs at Bill. I don’t like Keith Olbermann. He reminds me of a girl in junior high school trying to make friends by talking trash about somebody who is popular.

5. Is the government really going to give people $3500 ( I think that’s the amount) for their old junker cars? And, who is going to do all the junk car crushing? But, if this is true, I could become a millionaire. There are junk cars all over the place around here.

Time is up. Gotta go make myself presentable to venture into the outside world.

If you have any answers or thoughts on these questions, I’d love to read them.

One more nagging question……

Does Barney Frank have teeth? I’ve watched him doing lots of interviews and have yet to see even a snaggle of a tooth. I asked this question on Tweeter, too. No one seems to have the answer. If any of you have seen a pic of Barney with teeth, please post it.

Tags: Barney Frank, does Barney Frank have teeth, True Blood

I’m A WINNER!!!!…..

You can’t begin to imagine my excitement when I received an email stating that I had one a prize in the Marlboro sweepstakes. Happyhappyjoyjoy! I had been entering every day (actually, just because I kept getting it in my email). But, they were giving away some FANTASTIC prizes such as…..

$250.00 gift card to….?????? It really didn’t state where you could use the gift card. But, I would get $250 worth of something from somewhere.

Cuisinart Coffe Maker….I need this. My coffee maker is dump-worthy.

2010  GMC Sierra Hybrid Truck…visions of mud-bogging (good mileage mud bogging at that!) ran thru my head.

Gourmet Jumbo Burgers….from ??????. Again, it didn’t state where the GJB would come from so I wasn’t too keen about that prize. They could turn out to be made from roadkill or something even more distasteful. Although, I can’t think of anything more unappetizing unless it would be the remains of laid-off workers.

Presidential Edition Horseshoe Set….Bound to get a ringer every time with a O-He-Performs-Miracles-for-The-Masses-Bama horseshoe. RINGER EVERYTIME!!!! Take that, Joe Schmo, trailerpark horseshoe champion thrower 5 years in a row.

$40,000 in gold bars…..WOWEE! My head was about to explode thinking of all the compulsive shopping and hoarding that could be done with that kind of moolah.

3 In 1 Poker Table….Yippee! I have a po-po-po-poker face. (Credit goes to Lady Gaa Gaa).

and so much MORE! MORE! MORE! MORE!

I hurriedly read thru the formalities of congratulating me on my win and speed read down to the last part.

I had won a……

FRIGGIN’ ASHTRAY…….

 

How had that happened? I hadn’t even entered the sweepstakes on the “ashtray day”.  Although, I’m fairly sure that it will look like the one in the above picture, I have my fingers crossed that it will look like this…..

At least, THAT would be kinda cool!

Oh well, I can use it as my Secret Santa gift at the annual TrailerPark HolidayParty!

 

Tags: anti-smoking, ashtray, I WON, lung ashtray, Marlboro, Marlboro sweepstakes, regifting, Secret Santa, smoking, trailerpark party

Great Gift Idea….

I don’t normally use my blog to plug any products or services. However, today, I am making an exception.

A couple of years ago, I was looking for an unique gift for TPKen. TPKen is sooooo hard to buy for and has that “man tendency” to go out and buy what he wants when he wants it. It doesn’t matter if  it’s 2 weeks before Christmas and we are all scratching our heads trying to come up with a gift for him. Instead of giving us gift ideas, he goes out and buys whatever his whim/need/want is at the time. This really pisses me off! I consider it a very selfish thing to do and have told him so on more than one occasion.

Anyway, back to the unique gift. One day I was surfing eBay and was looking in the “Everything Else” category trying to come up with something that TPKen didn’t already own. Now, before you get the wrong idea that I am just a very thoughtful person, let me tell you that I do have some hidden motive involved in the selection of TPK’s gifts. I WANT some GOOD STUFF, too!

Who wouldn’t want to open a present with this…. or maybe, some….???

To be truthful, TPK is generous when it comes to the $$$$$ in giving presents. And, I want to make sure that it stays that way! Get my drift?  “wink wink to the ladies”

While going thru the list of “everything else” stuff such as penis enlargers, secrets to make thousands of dollars a day working from home, and authentic alien corpse, I happened upon an ad that really caught my attention. It was an ad to put your poem or words to music. In other words, create your own song. A guy was offering all of this (plus the copyright) up for auction. So, I figured this was something really different and would be something that showed that I had really put some thought into the gift. I bid and won!  Thus began my relationship with Crazy Dave.

The first song was about TPKen going boar hunting. I sent Dave the details about the crazy boar hunting trip thru email and he came up with this:

I LOVED IT!  …..”gonna shoot a boar in the butt with a gun”. FUNNY!

Crazy Dave sent me the song on a CD with the lyrics and he sent is really fast. He wanted to make sure that I got it in time for Christmas.

A couple of months later, it was TPSkipper’s birthday and once again, I turned to Crazy Dave. I sent him a short story about her. Ya see…TPSkipper is a really good singer. I’m not just saying that because I gave birth to her. She is locally reknown for singing at weddings, funerals, and other gatherings. She gets paid pretty good money for her talent. BUT, unfortunately, TPSkipper has NO athletic skills as you will hear if you listen to the video….

My relationship with Crazy Dave didn’t end there. He did a hauntingly beautiful song to which I wrote the lyrics. However, this song is extremely personal and is not on youtube. I can tell you, though, that every time I listen to it, I get very emotional. His guitar licks on it are on par with just about any well known guitarist that you can think of.

Crazy Dave gave up this side business for a while. But, good news….he’s back at it. So, if any of you are looking for a gift to amuse, touch the heart, get your message across to somebody, or just would like to have a song of your own recorderd, here is the link to Crazy Dave.  On this particular auction, Dave is offering to do a Micahel Jackson song for ya. But, you can go over to the side where it says, “Ask the seller a question” and request another song.

Crazy Dave  is a really nice guy and works hard to please everyone that he deals with. So, come on….give him a chance. What an opportunity for you guys (or girls) to put how you feel about somebody to music. Whether you have unrequieted love (Yes, Stan…I know that you are dying to do a song for me) or want to poke innocent fun, Dave can do it for you.

ROCK ON, DAVE!

Tags: boar hunt, boar hunting, CrazyDave, funeral singer, record your own song, song auction, unique gift, unique present, wedding singer

Yeah, I’m Lazy Lately…

so what! Sue me!!!

Busier than end-of-the-world-sign carrier lately.

So, I’m posting something for s the ladies that I got in my email today.

 

Girlie Wisdom!

  Women over 50 don’t have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills… she has 14 kids but doesn’t really care.  

One of life’s mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knicker’s.

Amazing!  You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrin ks 2 sizes!

Skinny people irritate me!  Especially when they say things like…’You know sometimes I forget to eat!’ ……Now I’ve forgotten my address, my mother’s maiden name and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat.  You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding?  That’s my idea of a perfect day!

Tags: 14 kids, forgetfulness, forgetting to eat requires stupidity, lady widsom, shrinking clothes, skinny people are irritating, Valium, weight gain, women over 50

Just Another Redneck 4th of July Weekend….

 

It goes without saying that ’round these parts, fireworks (or as we call them, “farworks”), beer, cookouts, and guns rule the day. Rarely does an Independence Day pass in my neck of the woods that somebody doesn’t…

1. Have to go to the ER from a firework mishap.

2. Have to go to the ER after a “Hey y’all, watch this” incident after too much beer.

3. Have to go to the ER after performing a spontaneous pool/river/creek (know as “crik”)  stunt….like belly bustin’ into what they (in a beer haze) perceived to be 6 foot of water but turned out to be 6 inches. Ya ever seen a grown man blubbering while having his big ol’ beer belly being stitched up from naval to booby? Not pretty!!!!

So far, this year has been relatively quite. Of course, the BIGGEST REDNECK HOLIDAY OF THE ENTIRE YEAR is not until tomorrow. Still, there has been an unusual absence of pre-4th”back from the beach” lights in the sky and rapid fire noise. It’s protocol in this area to assert one’s status as uppercrust redneck to buy a whole big-ass bunch of fireworks to inform the entire neighborhood (and beyond) that one has made their yearly pilgrimage to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina.

 The festivities are surely delayed this year. The  bootleg fireworks light displays, which are illegal in West Virginia, sometimes began as early as the middle of June. The whole sha-bang really hits it’s peak at the end of “miner’s vacation” aka the 2 week period that the majority of the coal mines close down and all the employees get a 2 week break from crawling around and digging in the deep, dirty, cold, and dark black earth.

Let me take a minute to digress and say, YOU’RE WELCOME, AMERICA. WE’LL KEEP THE LIGHTS ON FOR YA! AND, FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE LEFT-WING IDIOTS (like Darryl Hannah who needs to go back to something that she might actually know a little about….such as making ONE good movie, Splash, and a bunch of other no-talented forgetableones…and stay the hell away from here. Seriously, you made more sense with the shrieking, screeching mermaid talk/noise in Splash.AND, all the rest of her uber-liberal hypocritical Hollywood friends)….SCREW YOU! And, turn off all those damn lights in your unneccassarily large homes and do your blow/crack/Oxy/whatever in the dark.

Now…back to the festivities ’round here.

A few hours ago, just ’bout getting dark, I was in my kitchen. TPKen and a couple of other guys were target practicing (remember….guns are an important part of our INDEPENDENCE ’round here) and I could hear each gun as it went off followed by, “Good one, buddy!” or “BULLEYES!” and the like.

Then, I heard one of the bigger shotgun’s sound and then, I heard….

“ping, clang, pong, PING” followed by the most used two word redneck proclamation….”OH SHIT!”.

The pings, clangs, etc. were the sounds of a stray bullet hitting various objects in my yard. Unless you live around here, you won’t understand this but I didn’t bat an eye. Unless this commotion is followed by very loud screaming and shouts of  either “That wasn’t my bullet” or “Sorry ’bout that, buddy”, then ya just learn to go about your business. Since there was no commotion that I could see or hear, I figured nobody had lost an eye or finger or other body part.

But in the blink of an eye, something very odd happened. A bird flew straight into my big kitchen window with a horible thwacking thud sound…..the very window that I was presently staring out of to make sure that I didn’t need to call 9-1-1.

Holycrapola, one of those magnificent marksman had hit a damn bird in flight! You might be thinking that’s not so bad. And, it wouldn’t be if they were pheasant hunting or something of the like. But, the damn target was on the ground. Horrified, I watched as the fairly large bird hit the very small patch of grass in the yard (I’m still smuggling grass seed.  It’s just taking a right bit longer than I had planned.) It sat there for a few seconds and then kinda stumbled a few feet and actually managed to fly off. I’m hoping that the  poor bird was just grazed and lived to go squawk and scare all of his birdie friends away.

I guess the festivities have offically begun.

HAPPY 4TH OF JULY!!!!! LET FREEDOM RING ACROSS OUR GREAT LAND!!!!!!!!

PS….Nothing to do with above post. Just in the very rare chance that Sarah Palin happens upon this blog……

Here’s another “Hell, yes!” for ya, girl. Don’t let the bastard get you down!

“edited 7-4-09 to add”

AN AWARD FOR MOI!

I have been honored by The Vinyl Villager, who is truly one of the best bloggers in Bloggyworld. He is smart, witty, and best of all, sarcastically funny. Oh, and honest. Very honest. I’ve known VV since he was still pooping yellow (which I hope that he is no longer doing). I will take a little credit for talking him into blogging. He has been writing for a long time but it took a bit of nudging to get him to share it with his readers (who keep multiplying due to his great posts. Do yourself a big favor and go check The Vinyl Villager out. You will not be sorry.

MY AWARD….TA DA…

THE CHARMING AWARD………this award is given to the writers of blogs that “are exceedingly charming”. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement  Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award.

So, after the festivities (see post above) have died down, I will carefully select my 8 award winners.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, V V. I APPRECIATE BEING CHOSEN!!!!!

DISCLAIMER….TPB  can be (and usally is) influenced in granting awards by over-the-top flattering/and/or gifts.

 

“edited….7/8/09″……..I love my blog. I love my blogbecause I am blessed by having some of the funniest commentators (pronounced “common tators” around here) on any blog on the whole blogosphere. So, take some time and read the comments and get your chuckle in for the day.

Tags: 4th of July, Ahmondt Heare for president, Charming Award, coal miner's vacation, drinking beer, firework accident, funny blog comments, I Love This Country, illegal fireworks, Myrtle Beach SC, redneck 4th of July, redneck accidents, redneck fireworks, target practice, trailerpark life, uber liberal, UMWA, Vinyl Village, white trash celebration, white trash Independence Day

Road Trip….

I haven’t written here for a while. I was gone for a few days. Headed north to Amish land in Pennsylvania.

TPKen has been having huge problems with his blood pressure. I had to nag him to go to a doctor where he found out that it was 230/135….heart attack and stroke area. He was put on blood pressure meds and told to relax. So, I thought, “What could be more relaxing than driving north to gawk at people who don’t wear buttons or use electricity?” Seemed like a good antidote to hectic life of keeping up with technology in our every day life.  I could here the clip-clop of horse hooves on pavement as I packed my suitcase.

This was not our first sojourn to visit the Amish. We had gone several years ago when TPSkipper and TPMidge were younger. I remembered having a very relaxing and educational time. However, I forgot that your memory can be kind to you and not necessarily an accurate source of info.

For instance, I had forgotten that it was an eight hour drive. Eight hours of TPKen’s crazy-ass driving.TPK has an annoying (and somewhat dangerous) habit of constant use of cruise control. If one is in the car with TPK, they will find themselves in the exciting situation of going 80 mph in a 35 mph zone. Or, the extremely annoying situation of going 35 mph in a 80 mph zone. Not only is this annoying, it is seat-clutching scary. There we were on the interstate with cars passing us or…..not passing and riding our rear bumper just mere inches away from creaming us from behind.

And, if his reverse speed habit isn’t enough to make you white knuckled and green-faced, then I’m sure that his habit of U-turning would do the trick. Sure, we all U-turn at some time. But, how many of you U-turn in the middle of 5 lanes of traffic. Horns blowing all around. 18 wheeler drivers having to either slam on their breaks or pull a Nascar maneuver to keep from squashing you like a bug. NOT FUN!

At first, I figured that I had better keep my eyes wide open and on the constant look-out for cops, exits, landmarks, etc. It didn’t take too long before I found that this was raising my blood pressure.Not only to stroke/heart attack level but to SCREAMLOUD level. So, I figured that I’d be better off just not looking at anything around us at all. If we were going to be smashed, I wanted it to be a surprise. No last few seconds of my life playing before me.

I had brought two books to read. I started (and finished) one…the latest Sookie Stackhouse/True Blood novel. I really do love watching True Blood and had enjoyed the earlier Charlaine Harris’ Sookie tales. But, this one was really out there. Totally unbelievable. Fairies. Yeah, it’s mostly about Sookie/the Vamps/the 2-natured and how the dealt with the threat of fairies. When I told TPSkipper that this one was not believable, she said, “So, you believed the ones about vamps and weres?” I said that I didn’t excatly believe in them but they were not too far fetched to be real. Kind of like Stephen King’s books. I read everything that he wrote up until a few years ago when his stories became totally unbelievable. See…although, I know that all of this stuff (Sookie and The Stand) is fiction, I could imagine it actually happening in real life. But, I do have a limit to my willingness to accept “the crazy” and both King and Harris had supersceded my bullshit limit.

I had, also, brought along one of my fav snacks…Red Vine licorice. Yum yum good. I sure do love that stuff even if it does get stuck in my teeth and I walk around the better part of the day looking like my gums are bleeding. And, why in the hell aren’t most people kind enough to tell you that you have red gummy crap stuck between your front teeth? I would. You bet’cha! I would tell somebody if they had crap between their front teeth. Especially if it looked like they had bleeding gums. Listen, I don’t hestitate to tell a women that her skirt is stuck in the back of her panty hose (which I have done)  or she has toilet paper stuck to her shoe. Once, I told a man that he still had the 38/32 long clear sticker thingy on his Levi’s. He was not very gracious when I told him. He just jerked it off and walked away. Short, dumpy man acted like he was offended or something. Now, I would be happy if someone told me that I still had a sticker with my jeans size still stuck on my pants. Which reminds me that I did actually tell a women in WalMart that she still had her Faded Glory Sz 16Short tag still stuck on her behind. I’m pretty sure that the sticker started out on the front leg. Don’t know how it moved around to her hiney but there it was! Now, SHE was grateful….embarassed but grateful. Guys don’t get it. Women do NOT want to wear their size tag around to prove that they have new britches. Some guys do, though.

Sookie kept me pre-occupied for several hours. As I was reading about her fool-proof method of killing fairies by squiritng them with water guns loaded with lemon juice plus her late grandmother’s trusty iron garden trowel, I suddenly heard a familiar noise. The roar of motorcycles….Harley’s to be exact. And, lots of them. I looked up from the page where Sookie was getting all hot for Vampire Eric and saw that we were in Gettysburg. There were Harleys everywhere! I do know the sound of a Harley since there is a 1985 chromed-up, spit-shined black Harley softtail setting in my very garage. You might remember that in the past, I wrote a few posts about riding with a genuine motorcyle gang. Yes, I am dog-dead serious. Yep, had the “ol lady” patch, in a police raid, etc. You can read about some of it if you click on this link…. My so-called wild biker mama days  . (for Stan who is going to question it…he’s just jealous of my exciting life).

It turned out to be bike week in Gettysburg. That brought back some memories. I went to bike week in Sturgis S.D. once. That was a wild gathering. In our campground, the bikers would stand at the entrance with signs saying, “SHOW ME YOUR TITS!”. Ya know, I tried to comply but just could not get TPKen to take off his shirt at all! That was, also, my first time to ever see a streaker in real life. Every night at precisely 8:00pm, a guy would run up and down the campground in nothing but his birthday suit. Gosh…..I miss that walk on the wild side of life.

Leaving Gettysburg and the bikers in the rear view mirror, I went back to reading about Sookie and her great-grandpa, the fairy. Not THE FAIRY as in THE GAY. The fairy as in the mystical, magical creature. I finished the book  just as we rode into Lancaster. Downtown Lancaster….we were lost. Why do men not ever admit that they are lost? They will waste perfectly good time and expensive gas driving around acting like they know where they are. I don’t get it. Must be a blow to the manly self-esteem that has been handed down from generations all the way back to when the cave man wandered around til he was eaten by a dinosaur. He could have prevented that if he had just stopped long enough to read the “”signs” on the cave walls. Women are much smarter. We have sense enough to pick up our cellphones and call the motel/hotel and ask for directions (which is exactly what I did).

The Amish country was a big disappointment. It may have been because I distinctly remember if differently. What happened to the bus tours where the sweet, young Amish girls hopped onto the bus and sold their handmade goods? TPKEn says that never happened but I’m sure that it did (unless I’m getting mixed up with a Lifetime movie…which I admit is entirely possible).  And, that darn retired public school teacher who was our guide in Ye Old Amish Farmhouse and Gift Shoppe hurt my feelings and embarssed me when she yelled at me for trying on some of the bonnets and aprons that were on display. Well, it’s possible that I had pissed her off earlier asking questions that she obviously considered beneath her status as Official Guide of Ye Old Amish Farmhouse and Gift Shoppe. She did say that we could ask any questionsthat we had and I wanted to know if Amish women shave their legs and read trashy novels (like Sookie). And, then, she did catch me fiddling around with the Amish coffin that was on display. I swear it looked like a vamp could sleep in it.

Next, we went to The Bird In Hand bakery which was touted by our tour guide as having the best baked goods in all of Amish Land. I was none too happy to see a tour bus filled with elderly people disembark from it. I don’t take pride in telling ya that I had to elbow a couple of white haired grannys out of the way to get to the sweet rolls. Those sweet rolls were really delicous…warm and gooey. Yum!

After one whole day and two nites of Amish fun, I was ready to go home. The morning that we left, I saw MORGAN FREEDMAN in the free continental breakfast line. HOKE, himself. waiting on the waffle iron (ya had to make your own). Alright, it really wasn’t MF aka Hoke but he sure did look like him. I was disappointed and down in the dumps because he was not the real Morgan. So, to lighten my mood, I asked TPKen to let me ride in the back of the car and have him address me as “Miss Daisy”. He refused. Kill-joy!

.On the way back, I took out my second book to read…..”Do Ants Have Assholes?”

Yes, they do. I found that info interesting but not really something that I could apply to everyday life. Who knows? One day, I might be on Jeopardy and have a “Things That Have Assholes” category.

The book tackled such perplexing questions as…

If you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant, what do you do?  The answer was to kill them both. A long explanation was provided of which I did not understand most of it.

What does titfink mean? The titfink is a brightly colored Scandinavian bird.

So, dear readers, there you have it….my complete white trash vacation in a nutshell:

Crazy driving for 8 hours

Eating red licorice (having it stuck in my teeth).

Reading 2 books with really no substance of value

Seeing a Morgan Freedman lookalike

Hearing all the Harleys at Gettysburg bike week

and….well, that’s all.

And, it would have been worth it except TPKen had a doc appt this morning. His blood pressure had not gone any lower. The doc doubled his meds. I hope it wasn’t the “Miss Daisy” thing that caused it.

PS…Thank you, Stan. I needed to get this out of my system! Am I still a gobby camel?

Tags: Amish counry, biker chick, biker gang, do ants have assholes, fae, fairies, food stuck in your teeth, Gettysburg bike week, Harley Davidson, high blood pressure, Miss Daisy, Morgan Freedman, naive girls, Nascar, nerve wracking driving, police raid, Red Vine licorice, redneck vacation, Sookie Stackhouse, Stephen King, Sturgis South Dakota, True Blood, vampires, white trash vacation

R.I.P.Walter….

Did Everybody Really Love Walter Cronkite?

No, everybody did not love Walter Cronkite. Here are  Jackie and Dunlap’s opinions…..

“Old people don’t like all other old people”…..so very true.

I have a sneakin’ suspicion that we are not going to be bombarded for a solid week  of 24/7  tributes, “late-breaking news”, and “the life and times of”  on Walter Cronkite. He is neither a bleached blond ex-playmate (Anna Nicole) nor The King of Pop (Michael Jackson). Sorry, Walter….not enough scandals or weirdness about you to hold our attention for more than a day. Maybe, if you had been accused of being a pedophile, tried to buy the bones of the elephant man, was a Peter Pan wannabe, needed an DNA test on your children, or did a reality show while you were overweight, you might have stood a chance for a TMZ investigation. Living a relatively scandal free life just doesn’t cut the mustard with the media these days.

Tags: Anna Nicole Smith, Jackie and Dunlap, Micahel Jackson media coverage, red state opinion, scandals, Walter Cronkite

Dear Person Who Was Looking For….

….”a refurbished sex doll”.

As I was checking my spam for comments that were mistakenly marked as spam, I came across your search term.

REFURBISHED SEX DOLL

Your search was sandwiched in between such terms as “sex with a mare” and “my granny’s panties”. And, though, the” sex with a mare” search was quite disturbing, it did not jolt me nearly as bad as your endeavor to find a refurbished sex doll.

Just in case you happen across this post, I wanted you to know that your quest for a refurbished sex doll was the most disturbing and disgusting thing of which I have ever heard or read.

However, it does pique my curiosity a bit. How does one refurbish a sex doll exactly? I mean, surely, it would require a bit more than a quick wash and dry. Does it require re-gluing or re-sewing? You have me pondering what kind of repairs a sex doll would require.

 Prehaps, a new O mouth?

What became of the person who originally had it? Did they pass on to the Big Blow-up Beyond? Or, did they decide to trade up to a newer model?

I sure hope that you come back and answer these questions as I do not want to show up on somebody’s blog search terms( as “refurbished sex doll”)  looking for answers .

Tags: strange search terms

More White Trash Fun Than You Can Shake A Stick At….

 

 Bubba and Cooter Pick-Up Lines:

1) Did you fart?  cuz you just blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded?   cuz ya sure are special.

3) My love fer you is like diarrhea.  I just can’t hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card?   cuz I’d like to sign you out.

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?   cuz I can see myself in em.

6) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty’s only a light switch away.

7) I know I’m not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

8) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner. 
 
9) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon. 

AND  … the best for last!

10) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up.

The following is a true story. Only the names have been changed to protect the stupid.

I went to WalMart today to pick up a few things that I needed such as dog food, Mucinex (great stuff for that awful mucous drainage that keeps you awake at night), and Diet Coke. Also, bought a big-ass cake just because it was marked down. Now, I’m up to my eyeballs in sheet cake and at least 98 percent of my family either can’t or won’t eat due to dieting or in TPKen’s case….loss of appetite accompanied by fatigue. Side effects of his blood pressure medicine. Anyway, I do that almost every time I pass the marked down pastry/bread section in WalMart…buy a buggy load of deee-licious cakes, do-nuts, bread, etc. that I end up putting in the freezer. Once it’s in the freezer, I forget all about it. I have enough bakery items in my freezer to feed the Octomom’s kids until they are in middle school. This is a bad habit that I really need to break. I think it goes back to childhood poverty. Yummy store-bought pastries were non-existent in our house and my Mom only made cake or candy once a week. On Saturdays, she did house cleaning and we had to help. To reward us, she would make a cake or pan of  fudge. I can still remember the jelly cakes and my mouth starts watering. She made everything from scratch and the cake was two layers of yellow cake with her home-made jelly in the middle. She, also, made what we called a “dip-chocolate” cake. This cake came about by accident. She was making a yellow cake with chocolate icing and the icing did not get thick enough. So, we would ladle the warm chocolate syrupy icing on the cake while it was still warm. That icing would seep down all thru the cake. MAGNIFICENT!

This time of year, WalMart starts marking down a lot of stuff and a rack of denim shorts caught my eye. I’ll admit right here that I am easily distracted in stores, especially WalMart. I’ve yet to ever be able to go into that store with a list and buy only what is on it. I end up wandering up and down just about every aisle in the store. This is one reason that I avoid shopping at WalMart very often. This and the stupid people who crowd it during the first of every month. “hint”….checks come around the 1st of every month. Not saying that all people who rely on government checks are not smart but I do believe that a large percentage of them get disability for stupidity. And, drugs and alcohol….which make them more stupid. This area is swamped with generational welfare families.  And, what pisses me off is that I get the chance to take in their name-brand jeans labels along with their Dooney and Bourke or Coach purses. Of course, most of them are fake but in my opinion, if they’d spend as much time looking for work as tracking down and buying fake name-brand accessories, their kids might actually learn some work ethics. Here, I go again….off subject and getting more pissed off my the minute. So, I’ll stop thinking about that and write what I intended to in the first place.

I was looking at a rack of shorts when I heard a woman’s voice saying, “Excuse me, lady, can you tell me if these match?”

I looked up and into the face of a fairly large youngish woman who was looking back at me with a questioning expression on her face. Mama brought us up to be helpful anytime we could so I stopped what I was doing and turned to look at the items in question. She was holding up two scooter/skort type shorts and 2 tank tops. None of them matched. The colors were different and had she worn them together, she would resembled a bad attempt at circus clown fashion. So, I told her that they did not match. She sighed and seemed to be somewhat upset that I had been honest with her. I left her to her  somewhat frantic skort shopping and headed over to another rack which had t-shirts on it. But, then I heard her again, “Excuse me, but, do these match?” The shorts and tanks that she was now holding were closer to being a color match than the first ones but still did not go together. This was mostly due to the fact that both pieces had stripes and though, the stripes had similar colors, the stripes were, also, going in opposite directional angles.

I decided to try some tactfulness and said, “Well, if you passed me in this store while wearing them, I wouldn’t stop dead in my tracks and say,’Good grief, that girl does not match!’ “. I continued with, “But, if you were standing in front of me in line and I had time to look you over, I would notice that they do not match.”

She said, “Shucks! I really like these shorts. I have a pair just like them on right now.”

I looked at her lower body and sure enough, she did have a pair of them on. Her top did not match.  It was a gray t-shirt with a large Winnie the Pooh. I was trying to be kind when I said, “Well, the good thing about those shorts is….well, I guess that they will match most anything.” Which was not the truth. But, I’d had enough of Experiencing The Joy of White Trash Shopping. I’d already lost interest in the things that I had been looking at and just wanted to get in the check out line and leave.

As soon as she heard me say that she could probably match those shorts with just about anything, this is what she said…and I swear on my Mama’s jelly cake recipe that it’s the truth….

“Hey! You’re right!!!! I can just pick up a couple of wife beater’s in men’s and wear them together!” 

And, with that…she was off to men’s with her Fakenstocks covered feet, swinging her leopard print Doney and Bourk (fake labels are not always spelled correctly) beside her.

Awww….The Experience of White Trash Shopping….have to admit that it’s funner than fishing with cheese.

The thing is that girl was not the biggest fashion mess that I had seen today. While waiting my turn to pay for gas at the local gas station, there was one girl in front of me. And, she had somewhat of a problem with paying. She had lost/misplaced her money. And, here’s how she did it. She said upon getting ready to leave her house, she noticed that the pockets of her Levi’s were hanging down longer than her shorts (which she had apparently made by cutting off a pair of her jeans). She didn’t like the way that looked…..her pockets hanging low and all. So, she took some scissors and cut off the pockets. Guess where her money was…..yep, in one of her pockets which were now in her trash can. Lord have mercy….I could not quit looking at her shorts after she said that. I swear it looked like she was wearing a denim thong from the Ho’Fo’Sho’ line.  Her butt cheeks were hanging pretty low. Maybe, she should have took the scissors to them, too. Doesn’t this just make you wonder if some people own mirrors?

 

Tags: clearance sales at Wal Mart, fake name brands, fashion mess, low hanging butt cheeks, redneck compliments, redneck shopping, stupid redneck girl, white tash pick-up lines, white trash fashion, wife beater shirts

Copy and Paste Is Making Me Lazy….

Actually, that is not really true. I should say that I’m lazy, therefore I copy and paste.

This has been a stressful week. Refrigerator is leaking all over the floor. Phone keeps going out. TPKen is still riding his doc’s excuse for not doing anything due to high blood pressure. Hell’s bells, the man’s BP was lower than my mine yesterday and today. To be fair (which we all know that I ALWAYS AM not), his new meds are making him feel really tired. On the flip side, his new meds are making me tired. I’m having to do every damn thing.

First, let me go off about the friggin’ frig. When we started building this house, TPK insisted that we buy TOP O’ LINE appliances despite my protest. I mean, seriously, the man is lost in the kitchen. He’s never even loaded a dishwasher. He doesn’t know how to turn on the oven, run the washer/dryer, or use the microwave correctly. And, he’s an ENGINEER!  WTH?

So, we made a trip to another town to buy VIKING appliances. Those suckers are expensive. But, he would not even consider my suggestion that we run down to Sears and buy a Kenmore and let me remove the Kenmore label and write “VIKING” in magic marker. Now, I think that he wishes that he had even though he would never admit it. VIKING appliances are overpriced pieces of crap. This frig cost about what 3 Frigidaire brands would cost. Seriously. I had a Frigidaire before this Viking and it gave me little problems (and that was after is was over 12 years old). This Viking has done nothing but leak water from improperly placed seals. The Viking stove lost it’s numbers around the controls within 6 months. So, today, I thru a lil hissy fit and told him to call the damn Viking people and get this crappy refrigerator fixed. And, if he doesn’t, I’m not going to either. I’ll just keep large bath towels around to soak up water off the floor.

 

Monday, my phone started making buzzing sounds during conversations. After about 45 seconds of buzzing, you’d hear crunkclluckcrackylackaysmalcky or something like that. I called Verizon on Monday. They had be unhook the phones, hook them back up, wait while they did a line test, wait while they apparently took their morning break, wait while the Service Person went to the bathroom, wait…..you get the idea. LONG WAIT. Then, she comes back on the line and tells me that she has found the problem. It is in their line and they will get right to it.

Monday evening, got a call for one of those damn automatic voices telling me that ….YAY!….my phone was fixed.

Monday nite…..got a call at 3:00 from the woman who lives down the street from our company office trying to tell me that something had happened and…..klunkitycrackclackcack….call lost. I tried to call her back but couldn’t hear over what sounded like a huge bunch/group/whatever of angry hornets were on the line. I had to give up and call her on my cellphone….which I had to go retrieve from my car in the pouring rain. What had happened was someone had sped around the curve in front of  the bldg and clipped some poles and fence. Hit and run. At least, that’s what they thought. The neighbor had gotten the license plate number which really did us no good. TPK got dressed and went to the office. Then he drove down the road a little further and spotted the car. The car got the bad end of the deal.

Tuesday, I called Verizon again and this time I was told that the problem was in my line which I knew was bullshit because I know how to check it at the incoming jack with a wired phone. I insisted that they were wrong and had to wait again (this time I think they left and went home for lunch and then came back) and the tech came back and agreed with me that it was in THEIR line. She assured me that it would be fixed that afternoon.

Tuesday….still not working. I handed the phone to TPK and told him to take care of it before I lost it and got in my car and drove to the Verizon repair headquarters where I would get arrested for going redneck and kicking some ass. I should have known better than to let him handle it. He cowled down and let them tell him that they could come out August 4th to check it.

I’d had enough of this crap. I got on the Verizon website and fired off an angry email. Then another one. Then another one. Not sure if that would help anything but made me feel better.

A short while later, I got a call form one of those damn automated voices again telling me that my phone was fixed.

Of course, it isn’t. It’s still screwed up but I’m too tired to fool with those idiots tonight.

Which bring me to the Copy and Paste and Lazy statement…..now, I am too tired to write anything worth lining a bird cage with so, permit me to pass on a couple of fairly funny (some political….don’t get your panties in a bunch, now…I’m spoiling for a fight, remember?)

Here goes……

HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK
1. Open a new file in your computer.
2. Name it ‘Barrack Obama‘.
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
5. Your PC will ask you: ‘Do you really want to get rid of ‘Barrack Obama?’
6. Firmly Click ‘Yes.’
7. Feel better?
GOOD! – Tomorrow we’ll do Nancy Pelosi

Wine and Water
   
As Ben Franklin said:  
In wine there is wisdom,  
 

In beer there is freedom,  
 

In water there is bacteria.  

 

In a number of carefully controlled trials,  scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli,  

 

 (E.. Coli) – bacteria   ;found in feces.  

 

  In other words, we are consuming  
1 kilo of poop.  

However, we do NOT run that risk when  drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whisky or other liquor), because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.  

 

Remember:      
 

   Water = Poop,        Wine = Health .   

 

Therefore, it’s better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

 

 

 

 CHANGING A LIGHT BULB THE CHRISTIAN WAY

 

How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
 

 

Charismatic

 

: Only 1
Hands are already in the air.  

 

Pentecostal: 10

One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness

  
Presbyterians : None
Lights will go on and off at predestined times. 

Roman Catholic: None – Candles only.  

 

Baptists: At least 15.
One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.

Episcopalians: 3
One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.

Mormons : 5
One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Unitarians :
We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Methodists : Undetermined
Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass.

Nazarene : 6
One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

Lutherans : None
Lutherans don’t believe in change..

 

Amish

What’s a lightbulb?

 

 

So, that’s the best that I can do for right not. I know the whining about the appliances and the phone sucked. Hopefully, at least one of the jokes made your reading this worthwhile.As I said….THANK GOD FOR COPY AND PASTE!  

 

I’m gonna take a couple of these and call it a day….a very bad day!

 

As usual, I urge you to read the comments by Stan….they are usually better than the blog post.

Tags: Bad Day, bite me world, Christians changing lightbulbs, comments by Stan, drinking wine is good for you, fukitol pill, husband and wife struggles, Obama joke, Verizon sucks, Viking appliances suck

Oh My! I Thought It Said “Peanuts”!

I’m not much of a gardener anymore. Heck, y’all know how much trouble I had just trying to smuggle in some grass seed for my yard. TPSkipper has developed quite a green thumb, though. She throws out some seeds here and there and next thing ya know, ya got a whole meal of home grown vegetables. So, I decided to take a que from her and started buying packets of seeds at the local feed-and-seed-store. I just toss them out around the house and in the front field.  And, lately it has been raining and raining and raining. So, I wasn’t too surprised to glance out the big kitchen window this morning and see something undentifiable sticking up right in the middle of my needing-mowed  contraband grass. I grabbed my umbrella and went out to see what it was. Here is what I found….

It might be a good idea to wear my glasses when reading seed packages from now on. I could have sworn the package said “PEANUTS”.

Wait….that’s not all. There were multiple ones growing together……

  

AND……..Some appeared to be RIPE!

Something (or someone) very large and angry had stomped some of them…..

Maybe, Aunt Joonie wasn’t off her crazy meds when she said that she had seen Rosie O’Donnell around the trailerpark.

Now, what am I suppose to do with all these” peanuts”? I wonder if I can sell them on eBay?

 

 

 

 

edited to add following cartoon sent by a friend……

Tags: gardening, pecker heads, penis burial ground, penis mushroom, penis shaped toadstools, phallic mushroom, planting peanuts, Rosie O'Donell, WTF are those things?

Check Out Obama Man Song…..

Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, etc. cannot cry “racist” because this is a black man singing.

LOVED THIS!

“Who can take tomorrow and spend it all today?”

PS…my mushrooms have been massacred by the mowing guy. However, unless it stays sunny, I’m sure they will be back. In case you didn’t see them, here is a real picture of one…..

Tags: bailouts, Bob&TomTV, Greg Morton's Obama Man song, Obama is the Candy Man, Obama man song, penis shaped mushroom, penis shaped toadstool

Is This Weird Or What??????

“A MARRIED man has had his penis glued to his stomach by three scorned lovers”
Read it here  Women Glue Man’s Penis

OK, I agree that the story is bizarre. I first heard about it on Tweeter from my friend, Steph (she’s got a great blog….check it out…..Soulful Sepulcher )

The names in the following story have been changed to protect the innocent keep me from getting a good ass-whupping for telling it.

I don’t think that it will come as a big surprise to anyone to say that I actually know a woman that did that to her husband. This lady is quite large. Her husband is rather small. Yep, like Jack Spratt who could eat no fat and his wife could eat no lean. This lady became suspicious that her husband was up to something when he began to spend a lot of time at his friend’s houses (or, at least, that’s what he said). He claimed that they were drinking beer, working on cars, and just sitting around shooting the shit.  After a couple of weeks of him sneaking trying to sneak into the house in the early morning hours, she decided to do some investigating on her own. I only know these details because she told them to me.

One night, after Billy Bobby sneaked in and went to bed, Lolly got to work. She looked him over head to toe for any signs of  any bumping uglies with someone other than her. She didn’t see anything, so, she went on to Step 2…the smell test. No beer breath. No smell of any chemical or such that would be used while working on a car. But, she was not done. Oh no, sirree, she had more investigative tricks up her sleeve. She smelled lower down.  LOWER DOWN….hope you get my drift. There was an odor that smelled somewhat medicinal and she sat and tried to remember what it was. Finally, she knew what she was smelling….POLIDENT! Apparently, the hawt floozie messin’ with her man wore false teeth and most likely took them out for….a….hmmmm….how to say this with some resemblence of class….OK…a “special treat” for her married honey. Special treat is not the words that Lolly used. I’m trying to be sensitive to y’all, my loyal readers.

Lolly is a headstrong woman with unswayable ideas and opinions. Once she has decided what she is going to do about something, neither Hell nor high water can change it. And, she had already made up her mind that if he was cheating, she was gonna hurt him.

UmHummm, girl…..she actually did it. She superglued her cheating husband’s penis to his leg.

She said he woke her up screaming and begging her help. Lolly is basically a very good person. However, Lolly will extract as much revenge as she deems appropriate. She got out of bed and went over to the dresser where she pulled a sock out of her husband’s sock drawer. She stuck it in his mouth and then she sat on him. Remember, I said at the beginning that Lolly is a large lady. Lolly makes Ruby (the one with the reality show about losing weight) look like Amy Winehouse in size. I hope that you recall, too, that her husband is a small man. Therefore, he could not get away from her. Besides the fact that she was sitting on him, it hurt like hell to move with his penis stuck to the inside of his leg.

She told me that she sat on her and lectured him for over an hour. She told him that if she caught him cheating again, she would cut his manhood all the way off next time.

After things had calmed down, Lolly and hubby tried to get the penis loose but skin was getting pulled loose and hubby had tears of pain rolling down his face. They finally had to give in a go to the ER. Removal at the ER, also, caused some skin lost. The cheating hubby had to wear a bandage around his wiener for around a week. Plus, peeing was absolutely a nightmare.

I’ll bet he doesn’t do that again.

 

Next…..

I was watching Larry King earlier when Griffin O’Neal was on. He made some pretty bad allegations about his father, Ryan O’Neal. I don’t like Ryan O’Neal. I think he screwed up his kids really, really badly. So, I’m not claiming the following story is true. I do not know but here it is…..

“They had just put the casket in the hearse and I was watching it drive away when a beautiful blonde woman comes up and embraces me,” Ryan tells Vanity Fair. “I said to her, ‘You have a drink on you? You have a car?’ She said, ‘Daddy, it’s me — Tatum!’ I was just trying to be funny with a strange Swedish woman, and it’s my daughter. It’s so sick.”

But the bigger question is whether Ryan’s devotion to Farrah in her last days was just an act.

His son Redmond thinks it was.

 

“Ryan O’Neal admits that he was so frazzled at Farrah Fawcett’s funeral that he hit on his own daughter, Tatum O’Neal.” Read story here……

If true, that is just plain ol’ sick.  Here’s the Larry King interview:

What a screwed-up family!

 

Tags: dysfunctional family, Farrah Fawcett, Griffin O'Neal on Larry King, Griffin rips dad Ryan, Redmond O'Neal, Ryan jealous of Farrah, Tatum O'Neil

Why Women Take So Long To Go….

 

I did not write the following but, oh, how I wish that I had If anyone knows who wrote this, please leave a comment and tell me. I would love to give them credit for this great explanation of why women take so long to go to the bathroom.

( AN EXAMPLE OF HOVERING)

 

How true it is!!! This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with public restroom. And it finally explains to the men why it really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked question about why women go to the restroom in pairs. (answer at the end of this story)

We all know when you have to visit a public bathroom; you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it’s your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied

. Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won’t latch. It doesn’t matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern ‘seat covers’ (invented by someone’s Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn’t so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume ‘The Stance’ (also known as ‘hovering’). In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You’d love to sit down, but you certainly hadn’t taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold ‘The Stance’. To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother’s voice saying, ‘Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!’ Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday, the one that’s still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time .and let’s not forget also holding the door with the broken latch closed). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It’s still smaller than your thumbnail.

 Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn’t work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. ‘Occupied! ‘ you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it’s too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper, not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you’re certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, ‘You just don’t KNOW what kind of diseases you could get.’

 By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too. At this point, you give up. You’re soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You’re exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

 You can’t figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting. You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman’s hand and tell her warmly, ‘Here, you just might need this.’

 As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men’s restroom. Annoyed, he asks, ‘What took you so long and why is your purse hanging around your neck?’

The answer to the commonly asked question about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It’s so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door!

 This HAD to be written by a woman! No one else could describe it so accurately!

I hope this made y’all laugh as much as it did me. Kudos to the woman who described our visits to the bathroom so accurately!

Tags: broken bathroom locks, funny bathroom story, toilet paper stuck to shoe, where's the damn toilet paper, why it takes woman so long to go to the bathroom, why women go to the bathroom in pairs

Not My Usual “Insert Word” Self Today….

I feel like a big pile of cold dog shit today.

It’s my anniversary. Nobody remembered. Not even TPKen, but then if he did, they’d have to bring in the electric paddle thingys to bring me back to life. He hasn’t remembered in a long time.

I’m at a crossroads in my life. I need CHANGE! I’ve really had enough of living in this unfinished house in the boogerwoods. No neighbors. Of course, that is a plus sometimes. I’m thinking of getting an apartment and just visiting here once a week. 

Like I said. I’m in a sucky mood.

I tried to do a poll with polldaddy. I made the poll but couldn’t figure out how to get it in this post. Yeah, once again, I suck today.

So, here’s the poll and the answers. Choose one.

a. funny, creative

b. sarcastic, mean

c.caring, kind

d.biker chick/hooker

e. a word or two of your choosing

After, you decide which one, reply and tell me.

Then, tell me the funniest joke that you’ve ever heard, Or, tell me a big fat secret of your own. I could stand to hear some  trashing of somebody or something, too.

This is YOUR CHANCE to help out a down-in-the-dumps-feeling-useless-sorry-for-myself  redenck, white trash blogger (who doesn’t feel like blogging about a damn thing today. Who knows…you might inspire me!)

I’ll be sitting here waiting. Probably having a drinky-poo or six while I wait.

Tags: boogerwoods, depression, describe me poll, forgotten anniversary, friends, having a few drinks, LIFE, redneck, relationships, White Trash

Brenda’s Back…….Update On Mixed Up Texter

In a post from several months ago, I wrote about a lady who always mistakes me for someone named Brenda. You can read about it here…

WTF IS BRENDA?

I ran into that lady about 2 weeks ago. She was coming out of Long John Silver’s as I was going in. I intended to say a quick “Hi” and get on in and eat some chicken planks and crumblies. I love those crumblies….you know, the extra breading that falls off into the deep fryer and turns into a virtual feast of big, delicious, greasy crumbs. They are the only reason that I like to eat at LJS.

Anyway…back to my longtime, mysterious friend. She had more in mind then a quick “Hello” and proceeded once again to ask me how my boys were doing. In case you don’t read the link posted, I don’t have any boys. But, to avoid any awkwardness the first time she called me “Brenda”, I just pretended that I did have sons and made up a bunch of crap about them. Like how old they were and where they were going to school, etc. Now, if I had known that this was going to be one of many times that I ran into the woman, I probably would have just ‘fessed up and told her that she was confusing me with someone else. Well, I didn’t and now when I see her, I just assume my Brenda alias and fill her in on all the latest of my Brenda life.   Actually, it’s kinda fun to slip into the “Brenda persona” and assume a different identity and chat it up with my “friend”. “Brenda” has an interesting life…..lots of travel, plenty of invites to parties, and loads of loving friends and family. But, then, it’s always depressing when we part ways and I have to put Brenda away again.

So, here is what is happening now. I am receiving text messages from a complete stranger. NAUGHTY text messages. No, not from my bestest pretend friend who thinks that I am Brenda. I’m pretty sure that she would not be texting me messages like these…..

11:23am 8/12/09…..”Can I pound that ass girl?”

10:52am 8/13/09……..’Heyy baby) when we bangin?”

HUH?

I did a phone number look-up on the internet which resulted only in telling me the location of the phone. It’s in a small town about 25 miles from here.

So, I’ve been trying to decide what to do. The decent, moral side of me tells me to text back and tell him/her/I dunno that they are texting the wrong person.

BUT….the “grab the bull by the horns” and live life to the fullest (ok…the onery side) of me says that I could have some really good fun with this. I’m leaning toward  texting back with something along this line….

“Heeey baby…I miss u. How bout send me a pic?”

or

“ready for bangin’ + poundin’…meet me at….

Now, the problem with this is I don’t know anything about this person. I don’t know how well they know “me”. And, I’m not sure where they hang out or live, etc. So, I’ve got to figure out a way to fish the info from them.

I told TPSkipper that it would be awful if I texted them back and the person that they thought they had texted was with them at the time. But, they would kind of deserve it for not double-checking the number and for texting naughty messages.

I’ve got a little time to give it some thought. My phone battery is dead and I’m charging it right now. I was going to take pics of the messages so y’all would know that I’m not making this crap up.

What would y’all do?

hmmmmm…..maybe, they are trying to text Brenda??!!!!

Meanwhile, I’m gonna take a quick crash course in TM (text message)

121One to one

182I hate you

20Location

2BZ4UQTToo Busy For You Cutey

2moroTomorrow

2niteTonight

4QF*** You

?I have a question

A/S/L/PAge/Sex/Location/Picture

AMFAdios Mother F***er

ASAPAs Soon As Possible

ATABAin’t That A Bitch

AYSOSAre You Stupid Or Something

AYTMTBAnd You’re Telling Me This Because

BHOFBald Headed Old Fart

BMByte Me

BTOIYABe There Or It’s Your Ass

Didn’t realize that there are soooo many abbreviations and txt codes. I’m not even thru the “bs” yet.

edited….8-16-09

Been trying to decide what to do. In the meantime, I’ve received more text messages. I decided to test the water and see what info I could gather by texting back. Following is the actual text messages between me and “strange texter”. ST’s messages will be the italics. Mine replies will be in bold. Some explanations of my texting will follow the message in parenthesis.

9:44 am this morning, I get this….

“Let’s f*ck!!!!!!!!  (only there was no asterisk in the message).

“No way ahole“

“Y?”

“Where are you?”

“Congrats on cheer”

“Busy”    (here I was trying to buy some time to figure out what to text next because I had no clue what “cheer” meant)

“Yy?”

“W”      (as I said, I’m not tech saavy. I was going to write “what’s it to ya?” but hit the send button after just typing “W“.So, I immediately texted the next phrase….)

“Pissed off @u”

“Yy?”

“U know why”

“Well I threw myself at u n humilated me”

“What r u talking about”  (you may have noticed by now that I do not know how to use question marks in texting).

“That night“

“huh“

“Don’t be stupid”

“where are you”  (absence of question mark)

“im at ryans house. y?”

“Will call later”  (another automatic reply that came with my text svc cause I didn’t know what to answer)

“Why call me?”

“why shouldnt i”

“u never do come over later ill make it up to ya”

“need more info”  (another quick text that came with the text svc. I couldn’t think of anything to say)

“wtf is up w/u“

“will arrive in 15 minutes“ (yep, another quick text that came with text svc. I figured that would stir up something interesting).

“NO..you cant come here. Ryans granny is here “

“fine…go bang Ryan’s granny“ (just trying to converse on bangin’ boy’s level)

“u on ur period ur acting bitchy”

“KMA”  (see, studying up on text talk is useful. KMA= kiss my ass)

And, that’s the last message that I got today. Maybe, I should be ashamed of myself for having some fun at that poor guy’s expense….but, I’M NOT!!!! The little punk player shouldn’t be texting “let’s f*ck” to somebody that he apprently thought was his BOO or something.

So, maybe, I’ve received the last text from him. Or, maybe, not. Stay tuned and I’ll let you know.

Tags: alias, alter ego, anonymous lover, fun with idiots, lesson taught, mistaken idenity, nasty texting, naughty text messages, secret liver, secret lover, sexting, tech challenged, text message mix-up, texting wrong person, WTF is Brenda, x-rated text message

Welcome Aboard The TranStation….

Wasn’t going to post this morning because I have mucho going on. Have a doc appt shortly and still need to shower and gussy up for that.

However, I just had to take the time to post about this. I’ll just leave it named “this” and you can click on it to see what it is. It’s not suitable for all readers and some might get offended.

HUH? Where did that come from? When did I start caring whether readers got offended? It’s always been my policy that if you don’t like what you’re seeing or reading, close the window on it.So, I’ve changed my mind. I will leave the link in but am not going to censor from here on out.

Many of you know that I sell on ebay. I buy brand new stuff on clearance, close-out, etc. and resell on ebay.

One of the items that I resell is underwear….mostly women’s. And, yes, NEW…not used (although there is a market for that, I’m told)  And, it’s usually BIG…I mean really large as in 3X, 4X ,etc.

I’ve become accustomed to the fact that most of my buyers are men. And, I’m not so naive that I didn’ t suspect that the some of them were buying them for themselves. The evidence of that was the fact that I had repeat customers who emailed me sometimes wanting to know if I had more to list. Some divulge a little TMI about themselves.

Today, my suspicions were confirmed even more. A customer had purchased 2 pairs of ladies thongs in a size 12. Now, any of you readers who wear a size 12, don’t go gettin’ your panties in a bunch (or in this case…in a crack) because I don’t consider the size 12 freakishly large or anything. Please…no comments from TAFFP (the alliance for fat people) or OCC (official chubby chasers) or NAOLJITTL (national alliance of lottsa junk in the trunk lovers) or any other individuals or groups who think that I am making fun of larger people. I AM NOT! Some of my best friends are bigger than Ruby, the obese woman who has that television show. I like Ruby. She’s spunky and determined and full of life. WATCH HER! Plus, I’m no Victoria Beckham size. UGH…who would want to be?

Back to the size 12 thongs….which happened to be super-soft microfiber!!!!!!

This customer, who was male, was a repeat customer. He’s a really nice guy. He is not one of the ones who email me with all kinds of personal info. (some ebay customers will tell you their life story and even send you Christmas cards). I went to leave positive feedback for him and for some odd reason, the last feedback left by a seller for him caught my eye. And, I was curious about it.

The seller had sold him some Cocksox.

The Cocksox Microfiber Thong, from the Cocksox men’s underwear collection, is a low-rise thong made from super-soft stretch microfiber fabric. With a molded contour pouch for a streamlined fit, this Cocksox thong features enclosed elastic at the waistband and flatlock stitching. The Cocksox Microfiber Thong is the ideal minimal underwear choice for everyday wear or a night out on the town.

I was taken aback a little to read this and realize that it could be describing the Ladies Micro-fiber thongs that he had bought. Well, with the exception of the “molded contour pouch”.

I’m not being judgemental of anybody’s undergarments. What feels good for you….then wear it.

But, I did realize that I may have hit a gold mine here. Those cocksox costs $16.50 per pair plus shipping. I sold my thongs for $2.99 plus shipping.

So, here’s what I’m thinking…….I should open up a whole new store on eBay and name it the TranStation.” Tran” for transvestite. This is not saying that all men who wear women’s underwear are transvestites. Maybe, the women’s underwear just feels better.

Or, maybe, I could name it “Big Panties For Trannies”. Whaddya think?

I’ve got a doc appt today. If I have time after, I’m going “big bloomer/thong” shopping! I’ve got a fortune to make and need to get on it!

Tags: blogging about big underwear, cocksox, cross-dressing, lover of fat people, Ruby show, selling on ebay, transvestite clothes ebay

Bring In The Clowns…Don’t Bother, They’re Here

First, thank you to Stan for the last post. I enjoyed it very, very much. And, thanks for setting up our Q&A page.

I’ve got stuff to post about such as:

The latest news on “Lacy” of  Real Redneck Wedding post.

Plus, I, uh, well, it’s like this…no beating around the bush, I succumbed to the pressure from all the mags, television, movies, and social networking sites that tout products to make me look so young that I’d  need to be diapered.

I got BOTOX!!! Well, hell, y’all know that I can’t resist talking about this kind of stuff instead of being a classy woman and keeping my trap plum shut.

 So, two hopefully good reality post coming soon.

In the meantime, I want to share something that I got in my email. I don’t know who wrote it. If any of you do, let me know and I’ll give them the full credit that they so richly deserve.

 

How soon until reality sinks in? 

ass on ass

And it came to pass in the Age of Insanity that the people of the land

called America , having lost their morals, their initiative, and their

will to defend their liberties, chose as their Supreme Leader that

person known as “The One.”

He emerged from the vapors with a message that had no meaning; but He hypnotized the people telling them, “I am sent to save you.” My lack of experience, my questionable ethics, my monstrous ego, and my association with evil doers are of no consequence. I shall save you with hope and Change. Go, therefore, and proclaim throughout the land that he who proceeded me is evil, that he has defiled the nation, and that all he has built must be destroyed. And the people rejoiced, for even though they knew not what “The One” would do, he had promised that it was good; and they believed. And “The One” said ” We live in the greatest country in the world. Help me change everything about it!”

And the people said, “Hallelujah! Change is good!”

Then He said, “We are going to tax the rich fat-cats.” And the people said “Sock it to them!” “And redistribute their wealth.” And the people said, “Show us the money!” And then he said, “redistribution of wealth is good for everybody.”

And Joe the plumber asked, “Are you kidding me? You’re going to steal my money and give it to the deadbeats??” And “The One” ridiculed and taunted him, and Joe’s personal records were hacked and publicized.

One lone reporter asked, “Isn’t that Marxist policy?” And she was banished from the kingdom!

Then a citizen asked, “With no foreign relations experience and having zero military experience or knowledge, how will deal with radical terrorists?” And “The One” said, “Simple. I shall sit with them and talk with them and show them how nice we really are; and they will forget that they ever wanted to kill us all!” And the people said, “Hallelujah!! We are safe at last, and we can beat our weapons into free cars for the people!”

 

Then “The One” said “I shall give 95% of you lower taxes.” And one, lone voice said, “But 40% of us don’t pay ANY taxes.” So “The One” said, “Then I shall give you some of the taxes the fat-cats pay!” And the people said, “Hallelujah! Show us the money!”

Then “The One” said, “I shall tax your Capital Gains when you sell your homes!” And the people yawned and the slumping housing market collapsed. And He said, “I shall mandate employer-funded health care for every worker and raise the minimum wage. And I shall give every person unlimited health care and medicine and transportation to the clinics.” And the people said, “Give me some of that!” Then he said, “I shall penalize employers who ship jobs overseas.” And the people said, “Where’s my rebate check?”

Then “The One” said, “I shall bankrupt the coal industry and electricity rates will skyrocket!” And the people said, “Coal is dirty, coal is evil, no more coal! But we don’t care for that part about higher electric rates.” So “The One” said, Not to worry.. If your rebate isn’t enough to cover your expenses, we shall bail you out. Just sign up with the ACORN and you troubles are over!”

Then He said, “Illegal immigrants feel scorned and slighted. Let’s grant them amnesty, Social Security, free education, free lunches, free medical care, bi-lingual signs and guaranteed housing…” And the people said, “Hallelujah!” and they made him King!

And so it came to pass that employers, facing spiraling costs and ever-higher taxes, raised their prices and laid off workers. Others simply gave up and went out of business and the economy sank like unto a rock dropped from a cliff.

The banking industry was destroyed. Manufacturing slowed to a crawl. And more of the people were without a means of support..

Then “The One” said, “I am the “the One”- The Messiah – and I’m here to save you! We shall just print more money so everyone will have enough!” But our foreign trading partners said unto Him. “Wait a minute. Your dollar is not worth a pile of camel dung! You will have to pay more…” And the world said, “Wait a minute. That is unfair!!” And the world said, “Neither are these other idiotic programs you have embraced. Lo, you have become a Socialist state and a second-rate power. Now you shall play by our rules!”

And the people cried out, “Alas, alas!! What have we done?” But yea verily, it was too late. The people set upon The One and spat upon him and stoned him, and his name was dung. And the once mighty nation was no more; and the once proud people were without sustenance or shelter or hope. And the Change “The One” had given them was as like unto a poison that had destroyed them, and like a whirlwind that consumed all that they had built.

And the people beat their chests in despair and cried out in anguish, “give us back our nation and our pride and our hope!!” But it was too late, and their homeland was no more.

You may think this a fairy tale, but it’s not.

It’s happening RIGHT NOW

BRING ON THE CLOWNS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don’t bother, they’re here……. 

 

 

  

Tags: 2nd coming, Barack..The Chosen One, Botox, David Axelrod, economy, face fillers, Humor, Joe Biden, LIFE, obama, Obama the Messiah, Politics, real wedneck wedding, Rpbert Gibb, The ONE, voting, welfare, White Trash

Gold Medal Winner In The “Stupid” Category…..

I’ve been really busy for the last week or so. During that time, I’ve had lots of  true things from my life to write about. I think a lot of you can identify with having lots of time accompanied by writer’s block/brain drain or no time and many interesting things going on around you. That’s s how it’s been for me.

I was ready to write about my recent attempt at beautifying myself but am going to hold that one for the next post. Instead I’m going to write about a person who would definitely win the gold medal in the Stupid Event at the Olympics. She’s somebody that some of you have read about before……yep, it’s LACIE!

Ya see, I’ve got another story on “Lacie” , the subject of my Real Redneck Wedding  series of posts. In case you don’t remember Lacie or are a new reader, here’s the links to some of my posts about her.   Lacie is a constant source of wonderment for me. I just don’t understand how she has managed all these years being so stupid.

Although, there is plenty to laugh about in this post, some of the stuff that Lacie told me is quite disturbing.  Well, not disturbing to her since she doesn’t have the sense that God gave a walleyed fish but disturbing to anyone with even a few brain cells. So, let us travel now to LACIELAND……..

It was around 6pm yesterday evening when my phone rang. This is an account of the conversation that took place….

Me:  “Hello”

Person on the other end…..”Do you still go to church?”

I couldn’t quite place the voice. It was very familiar but no face came to mind immediately.

ME:…..”Yes, I do. Who is this?”   I’m thinking that it may be somebody trying to convert me to another church such as The Lego Church of Snake Handlers, which by the way is a real church about 30 minutes from my house. Or, it could be the Hare Krishna from The Palace of Gold. The Palace of Gold is located in the northern panhandle and I have actually been there. I need to make a note to myself to write about it one day.

Lacie….”giggle giggle” (Lacie giggles a hellova a lot)…..”It’s me…Lacie!”

Me….”Oh, OK. Why do you want to know if I go to church? What’s up?”

Lacie….”in her soap opera perfected drama voice”…….”Well, it’s Angie (not real name). I had to put her in the hospital”.

Angie is her 12 year old daughter.

Me….”My goodness! What’s wrong with her? Is she OK?”

Lacie….”sounding more like a Susan Lucci-wannabe with every sentence)…..”She had a nervous breakdown!”

nervous breakdown…..one of the greatest  medical misconceptions of all time.

On the historical note, the reason the term “Nervous Breakdown” came into being was that people preferred to have a physical (Nerves) illness as opposed to a psychological or psychiatric illness.

Me…..”She’s 12 years old. Who told you that she was having a nervous breakdown?”

Lacie….”The doctor at the ER”.

OK….this pisses me off if it’s true. ER doctors are not psych doctors. Although, I am sure they have had to take some classes in psychology, they would not be an authority on psychiatric conditions or disorders. On the other hand, I was seriously doubting that an ER doc gave the child that diagnosis. But, I was not there and only had Lacie’s word to go on…..which made me lean toward the doctor not saying that.

Me….”What did she do that would make you think that she is having a nervous breakdown?”

Lacie….”She got all crazy and started pulling knives out of the drawer and was threatening to kill herself.”

now, there is absolutely nothing funny about that

Me….”Why on earth would she do that, Lacie?”

Lacie….”Because of all the things that have happened in her life that she has had to deal with.”

oh….you mean like a crazy-ass mother who was willing to give her to her step-brother’s daddy so she could spend more time getting to know her convict, jobless, lazy loser husband

Me….”So, where is she?”

Lacie….”She is in the psych ward at the NoName hospital.”

she actually said the name. not wanting to get my ass sued by using the actual name

Me….”What are they doing for her?”

meanwhile, I’m shuddering while thinking about the hospital’s psych ward which is mostly populated by people over 18 yrs old….not exactly a nice place for a 12 year old girl….no way I’d put my kid there

Lacie….”I dunno. But, they had better not be giving her medicine without my permission.”

Me….”Well, usually, if a person is sick enough to put in the psych ward, medicine is almost always given. Who is her doctor? Haven’t you talked to them? And, how long has she been in there?”

Lacie….”giggle giggle” “I can’t remember his name. She’s been in there for 5 days and I haven’t had a chance to go and talk to him.”

Me….”Whaaaat? You put your 12 yr old in the psych ward and haven’t even gone to see her or ask her doctor anything????”

Lacie….”Well, when she first went in, he said that she was acting like a lot of kids her age act.”

this is ridiculous. this child is in a psych ward with serious drug users and mentally imbalanced people and her doctor says her behavior is normal to kid’s her age. makes no damn sense

Me…”Listen, Lacie….she’s not my kid but I’d be up there either demanding a full run-down of why she needs to be there and what treatment she is receiving OR I’D BE TAKING HER OUT OF THERE IMMEDIATELY!!!”

here comes the typical Lacie behavior…..the stuff of which my earlier Lacie posts are based…..apparently, it’s time to change scenes in the Lacie soap opera saga and put the focus on her….

Lacie…..(“who seemingly had either not heard a word I said or had already heard “Cut…that’s a wrap” in her head and was ready for Scene 2″…..)”I haven’t been sleeping at all since Angie went in the hospital. I’ve just been sitting around and crying. David (her husband written about in the other Lacie posts) said that I needed to not think about it until I feel better. I haven’t been eating or sleeping. Oh yeah, our marriage is going great. I’m happy and everybody was wrong when they said it wouldn’t last. And, he’s really good to me. He was kinda disppointed when Angie and Hailey (her other daughter) decided not to go to Va. and live with Scott so we could have time just for us. ”

WTF? I mean really…WTF? It was as if I had accidentally hit the remote control and changed channels. Again, I say, “WTF?” let me fill ya in on who Scott is. Scott fathered her first child, a son. The son left last year and went to live with Scott which was the best thing that could ever happen to him. Scott offered to take the 2 girls, too, even tho there is no blood relationship. He felt sorry for the girl’s having to live with a stupid mother and lazy, ex-con stepfather. And, now she’s stupid enough to tell me how disappointed that slimebag is that he couldn’t get rid of her girls?!!!!

  I decide to play the Lacie soap opera trivia game since there is no normal avenues to explore in conversations with Lacie…..

Me….”Does he have a job yet? I remember that you said he was almost done with his work release program the last time we talked.”

Lacie…..”No. And he’s getting real aggravated cuz he can’t find a job.”

Me….”Well, it’s kind of hard to find a job when you sit up watching  television and playing video games until the sun comes up and then sleep all day”.

yes, i was getting very irritated with her and in typical Lacie fashion, the conversation takes another strange turn…..

Lacie….”Get off of me, Ace!”

again, i am in a WTF loss for words….

Me…”Who is on you?”

Lacie….”Ace. He’s my new cat that David found and brought home to me. He’s Siamese and I really love him. I don’t know what I’d do if David hadn’t brought him home. He likes to get up on my chest and lay. Here, I’ll put him on the phone…..”

omg! i’m pretty sure that i’ve used up all my WTF’s allowed in one post….i am not going to talk to a cat on the phone…i am thinking of driving over to her house and getting knives out of the drawer and…….

Me…”No, Lacie….I don’t talk to cats on the phone. Do not put that cat on the phone! Do you hear me? How many times do I need to tell you that I don’t want to talk to one of your cats? Seriously, Lacie, your cats cannot talk! We’ve been through this at least a dozen times. I am not interested in your new cat or any of the other dozen that you have. I want to talk about Angie being in that hospital. You need to find out more about how they are treating her.”

and from the phone I hear…..”meow meow meow”

She has put that damn cat on the phone! This conversation has gone all the way down hill

So, I hung up.

Yes, I do believe she would win the gold in the Stupid Olympics.

 

 

 

 

Tags: 12 yr old committed to adult psych unit, cats that talk, ex-con husband, psych hospitals, really stupid people, Redneck Life, redneck marries ex-con, redneck wife, stupid relatives, talking cats, totally white trash

He Sounded Like An Ewok…..

I have plenty of material for posts but I’ve been a casualty of those damn penis shaped mushrooms this week. They’ve flourished in all the rain that we’ve received. Not only do I have the penis shaped ones,  but I, also, have mushrooms that look like sea anemones, dinner rolls, pancakes, and even big red berries. I have never seen anything like this. No joke…..big, small, round, red, yellow, brown, purple, and even some really nasty looking black ones have appeared in my field and yard. And, it’s creepy that they seem to pop-up overnight. Visiting kids (and me) like to “moosh the rooms” and have a really good time squashing, kicking, jumping on, and poking with sticks on/at the mushrooms and toadstools. 

But, poopie!…..I didn’t consider the fact that I am highly allergic to molds, mildews, fungus, and the like. I should have been able to put 2 and 2 together when I started feeling really crappy on Monday. Tuesday is when the hacking cough started. By Tuesday night, I felt like I had  cough-spasmed part of my lung out and had started praying that I could find it before the cat did. Wednesday was even worse. I had no energy and even the slightest effort to do anything tired me out. Plus, I had not been able to sleep due to the terrible cough which woke me up several times a night. For 3 nites straight, I stumbled down the hallway, carrying my pillow, to the couch to try to go back to sleep. I was trying to be thoughtful and not  awaken TPKen.What was I thinking?This is the same man that slept thru my nite of terror when I almost shot the paper man. This was the same man that sleeps thru the roar of 3-4 four-wheelers at 3:00 in the morning. This man can sleep thru anything. I swear that I could use our bed as a trampoline in the middle of the nite and he would not open even one eye.

This morning, I faced the fact that I needed to see a doctor. So, off I went, down to the ExpressCareClinic just a few miles away. Diagnosis was bronchitis (which I pretty much already knew) and seasonal allergies. Once I had loaded up with rx’s for an antibiotic, a cough syrup, and Clartin D , I came home and pretty much collapsed on the couch. BTW…Clartin D is not a prescription drug. Instead, it is one of the drugs that  low-life  meth cookers use and therefore, has been taken off the shelf and put behind the counter.

This has nothing to do with this post. Regular readers know that I sometimes will be writing about something and wander off…..oh, looky, a chicken…..

While looking up the spelling of psedoephedrine, I came across this criminal/legal forum which has some really interesting reading material. It’s funny that almost all of the people asking questions of the lawyers are “asking a question for their friend/relative. If you have a little extra time, I urge you to go there and read some of the Q & A’s.

OK…back to the regularly scheduled program/post…..as I said, I collapsed on the sofa but not before I ingested cough syrup, swallowed an antibiotic and a Claratin D and, inhaled a sterioid. I was hoping that all of that would bring on a sudden cure but no such luck. I still feel crappy and am hoping that tomorrow will be better.

I hated to not post at all and am wavering between copying and pasting some funny stuff from my email inbox or telling a short, true, and very embarrassing story about a friend of the family. HMMMMM……let me think.

Who am I kidding? The embarrassing story wins out. Of course, I’ll have to change the name of the innocent/guilty parties as to avoid a lawsuit ass-kicking. I just cannot resist telling on my family and friends. They do funny and crazy stuff plus it makes me feel better to not be the village-idiot of the hour. So, here goes. It’s partly a you-would-have-had-to-been-there story but most of it can be imagined in your mind. I really wanted TPSkipper to come on here and write it but that was a no-go since she was afraid that the guilty party (or his wife who knows nothing of this)  would somehow come across it here.

“Steve” is my son-in-law and works as a salesman. He has to travel quite a bit. “Tommy”, one of his best friends, is a salesman, too, and they often end up at the same out of town conferences.

On their last national conference together, Steve and Tommy went with the rest of the sales team down to the bar after sitting thru an all day seminar on How To Increase Sales or something like that. They found that about 90 percent of the people who attended the conference were in the bar drinking and relaxing. Before I go any further, let me tell you a little bit about Tommy.

Tommy is going bald at a very fast pace. Last year, Tommy, without informing anybody, went to a nearby city and got hair plugs. He left for work that morning with a John Gosselin look and came home with a full head of hair. What is freaky is that his wife never said a word about his new hair. She did call TPSkipper to tell her about the full head of hair that suddenly appeared on Tommy’s head. But,to this day, she has never said a word to Tommy about the plugs. Freaky and weird, huh?

Tommy wouldn’t be caught dead in any item of clothing that does not have an insignia of one of the popular clothing lines on it.

In other words, Tommy is a man who is extremely concerned about his physical appearance and his image. Keep that in mind when you read the following short tale….

This bar offered a mystery drink that was served in a gold-fish bowl. A whole lotta liquor! Tommy ordered one and proceeded to drink it while waiting on his dinner order to be served. Steve kept telling Tommy to slow down but with all the sales reps watching, Tommy wanted to show his drinking prowess and kept gulping down the mystery drink. About halfway thru dinner, Tommy was really feeling the effects of the fishbowl and was being quite loud and slurring his words. After a while, Tommy finished the last of the drink and was rip-roaring drunk. Suddenly, Tommy got THE URGE TO GO. And, off he ran to the nearest bathroom which was visible to many of the bar patrons and diners.

In Steve’s words…..”We all started hearing these Ewok noises coming from the bathroom. Sounds like

 ‘Oonga chingo pango chindo wah!!’ and ’Loollum lollum loolla.’

 And, the Ewok sounds kept getting louder and louder. I decided to go and see if  Tommy was OK. I knocked on the door and there was no answer. So, I tried the door knob, figuring that it would be locked. But, it wasn’t and I pulled the door open. The first thing that I saw was a bare ass sticking up in the air while Tommy was puking his brains out. Kneeling at the toilet with his pants down around his ankles. I guess nature had called at both ends and he had to choose which one needed the most attention. The freakiest thing was that his butthole contracted and released with every Ewok puke and it was almost hypnotizing to see.”

 

The bad thing……about half of the bar patrons and diners saw it, too. And, they laughed. He needs to be thankful that he got good hair plugs. Wouldn’t it be terrible to have your hair come out while puking like an Ewok?

One funny fact is that Tommy doesn’t know that any of us know about his fishbowl mystery drink and Ewok noises.

Makes me wonder how much stuff I think nobody knows about me when in fact, a lot of people do. 

Also, makes me think that Tommy must have had a bigger than average butthole to be so noticeable.

Tags: bare butt, bronchitis, drunk, embarrassing story, Ewok, Ewok sounds, fishbowl drink, gossip, hair plugs, puking, steroid inhaler, toadstools, weird mushrooms

I Bought This On Ebay…….

This is so cool………

I got it in the mail today. Can you tell what it is?

Come on….guess!

OK….I’ll tell ya. It’s a Barbie/Ken head vase. Seriously. The potter inserted Barbie heads and a Ken head in the clay.

This soooooo rocks!

Tags: ugly vase, unusual pottery vase, weird barbie head vase, weird collections, weird things I've bought on ebay

Quit Your Biotching Cuteasasa…..

Sorry, Your Majesty, don’t have time right now for a real post. But, since you have made your feelings known and it is perfectly clear that you do not want to look at my Barbie/Ken vase anymore, I’m stealing something from my email.

Think of it as a sorta placeholder piece. Then, I’ll do my very best to get back in the groove……..

Oh wait, there is something else I want to post from my email first…..oh looky, another chicken…….and here it is:

“gentlemens…..use your pleasure tool to make your wife happee”  …….Those spam Viagra/Cialis ads crack me up!

Love making tips for Seniors

1. Wear your glasses. Make sure your partner is actually in> the bed.

 2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

 3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

 4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you> begin.

 5. Write partner’s name on your hand in case you can’t remember.

 6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don’t end up under the bed.

 7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act..

 8. Make all the noise you want… The neighbors are deaf  too.

 9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!

 10. Don’t even think about trying it twice.

AND

Dear Abby,

I am a crack dealer in Beaumont , Texas, who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus. My parents live in Fort Worth .. One of my sisters lives in P flugerville and is married to a transvestite.

My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marij uana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Dallas

I have two brothers: one is currently serving a non-parole life sentence at Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Longview . She is a part time “working girl”.

All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her.

Should I tell her about my cousin who is an Obama supporter?

 

Signed,

Worried About My Reputation

 

AND ONE MORE FOR GOOD MEASURE

“TENJOOBERRYMUDS”…

 

By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND “TENJOOBERRYMUDS”…

In order to continue getting-by in America (our home land), we all need to learn the NEW English language! Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term “TENJOOBERRYMUDS”.

With a little patience, you’ll be able to fit right in.

Now, here goes…

The following is a telephone exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and call room-service somewhere in the good old U S A today……

Room Service : “Morrin. Roon sirbees.”

Guest : “Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service.”

Room Service: ” Rye. Roon sirbees…morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???”

Guest: “Uh….. Yes, I’d like to order bacon and eggs.”

Room Service: “Ow July den?”

Guest: “…..What??”

Room Service: “Ow July den?!?… Pryed, boyud, poochd?”

Guest: “Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. Scrambled, please.”

Room Service: “Ow July dee baykem? Crease?”

Guest: “Crisp will be fine.”

Room Service: “Hokay. An Sahn toes?”

Guest: “What?”

Room Service: “An toes. July Sahn toes?”

Guest: “I… Don’t think so.”

RoomService: “No? Judo wan sahn toes???”

Guest: “I feel really bad about this, but I don’t know what ‘judo wan sahn toes’ means.”

RoomService: “Toes! Toes!…Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?”

Guest: “Oh, English muffin!!! I’ve got it! You were saying ‘toast’… Fine…Yes, an English muffin will be fine.”

RoomService: “We bodder?”

Guest: “No, just put the bodder on the side.”

RoomService: “Wad?!?”

Guest: “I mean butter… Just put the butter on the side.”

RoomService: “Copy?”

Guest: “Excuse me?”

RoomService: “Copy….tea..meel?”

Guest: “Yes. Coffee, please… And that’s everything.”

RoomService: “One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy … Rye??”

Guest: “Whatever you say.”

RoomService: “Tenjooberrymuds.”

Guest: “You’re welcome”

Remember I said “By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND ‘TENJOOBERRYMUDS’ “……and you do, don’t you!

Tags: Cialis ad, dear abbey, erection ads, illegal aliens, my redneck life, Obama joke, senior sex, sex tips for seniors, tenjooberrymuds, Viagra ad

Can Vanity Kill You?

If vanity can kill a person, that is probably to what I will succumb. Regular readers (up to about a dozen now! ) know that I am constantly trying the newest and latest product/service that will lead you to the fountain of youth.

The funny thing about that is I live in a boogerwoods area where having all of your teeth makes you a candidate for beauty queen. If the teeth are in good shape and not rotten or yellow, you’re darn near about guaranteed to get crowned and sashed.

Miss Burger Queen…….

I have all my teeth. None are rotten or falling out or yellow. I should be satisfied, shouldn’t I. But, I’m not. What bothers me the most is wrinkles from smoking. I quit smoking but the wrinkles stayed behind (and front). I’ve been lasered, peeled, and sat under ultra-violet lights. I’ve bought products that are available only in a doctor’s office. The money that I’ve wasted is almost shameful. But, I don’t want y’all to think that I do this all of the time. No! It usually follows an episode of TPKen spending outrageous amounts of money on something stupid. You might remember that Christmas before last, he had ordered an armour piercing gun that cost around $7500.00. No, you didn’t read that wrong and I didn’t mistype. That is SEVEN THOUSAND FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS. That caused a cololsal size argument for many months. Who needs an armour piericing weapon? We have plenty of guns and rifles that will knock off an animal or an intruder with one clean shot. In the end, I won the argument and he canceled the order.

 He should have done it sooner….like before I decided to get even by spending money on whatever my whim was at the time. The thing is that I am usually a very thrity person. I use coupons at the grocery store. I eBay and make a little extra money doing that. I shop clearance racks. Heck, I can get just about anything on the market for at least 50% off of retail just by knowing where/when/how to buy.So, my indulgence in cosmetic stuff is the only real splurging that I do.

Anyway…..I did it again. About a month or so ago, I had to go to the dermatologists about a couple of suspicious moles. She froze them off. While there in the waiting room, I started looking at all the brochures on Botox, Restalyne, and Perline. All are fillers which means that they get shot into your face in the areas that you would like filled out. Botox is poison which paralyzes the muscles around wherever it is injected. I had been considering doing “some work” for a while. TPSkipper had even often to pay for some of it as a Christmas present last year but I chickened out. While thinking about all the fillers, my thoughts drifted to how I could justify spending money on this stuff with a TPKen overspending event. AHA! I remembered that just 2 weeks before, he had spent over two thousand dollars replacing a part of a fence in front of his office that had been hit by a drunken driver. Now, wait, all you male readers and don’t get your Fruit of the Looms in a bunch. Of course, he needed to replace it. But, we had several heated discussions about the material he was buying for it and the time he was paying men to work on it. Honestly, I could have gotten the same results with about $100 worth of material form Lowe’s. But, NOW, his spending habits were coming in handy for me. This is how I justified the money that I ended up spending at the dermatologist’s office.It began with a discussion of services and cost for just one needle full-injection of Botox. I’m really fortunate that the dematologist and I had a long and friendly relationship. I really like her and I think the feeling is mutual. So, she was giving me a discount that was greatly appreciated. She injected the Botox in the furrow between my eyes and had a little left for around the corners of my mouth. She shot it a little high up so I could experice the enjoyment of having a full, lucious upper lip. I loved it! But, the immediate results are not the results that you get over time.

 In a few days, my upper lip was not quite so Jolie but still was fuller than before the Botox.I had to go back this past Tuesday for a check-up. The problem was that I had been bitten by the FILLER BUG. I can see why people become addicted to plastic surgery. She asked me if I was happy with the results and I was honest and told her that I was hoping for a little more results. So, she asked me if I wanted to do some more. Without even stopping to inquire about the price, I answered with a big, loud, “YES!”.

So, I sat still while she injected another needle full of filler into my face. This time, she used Restalyne which is just a filler and does not paralyze anything. It, also, last twice as long as Botox. She, then, ask me if I wanted any more in other areas. Without hesitation, I said that I did. I had been bitten (or needled) by the Filler Bug.This time, she stuck the needle in my chin area. She had told me, at the last visit, that women do not think about the chin area when getting injections. She said that everyone was always amazed by the results of “filling in the chin”. I trust her and so, I agreed to the chin shots. I’m not a needle-wuss but that one hurt like hell! She saved a little bit and put it in my furrow between my eyes again. I swear the only thing deeper that my eye furrow is my belly button (which is freakishly deep and smells like ass) and we have already discussed in previous posts

.At the payment window, I pulled out my Saphire Visa and handed it to the lady. I was really taken aback when she handed me the statement to sign. I had just spent another $475.00!!!!! Oh, I need to add that I, also, bought some MIRACLE eyelash/eyebrow grower. I don’t know if it works yet since I’ve only used it for two nights and results cannot be seen until after 30 days. Hey…I figure if it works, $125.00 is a small price to pay to not have to draw on eyebrows that look like they should be on a crazy cat lady. I’m not good at making eyebrows. I can’t wear contacts and need my glasses to see anything (like eyelashes and brows) in order to put on mascara or whatnot.

This brings me back to the memory of having my eyebrows done with” permanent tatoo”. That really hurt like hell and was not permanent. It faded in quick time which was a good thing because I looked like John L. Lewis or Leonid Bresniv. My eyebrows were so bushy looking that they could have passed for a squirrel’s tail.

Tuesday evening, my face hurt. And, it had of big lumps….one between my eyes and a couple on my chin. I applied ice as directed and took some Tylenol.

 The next morning, my face was a little swollen but I was not alarmed since swelling usually takes place and last a day or so.

Wednesday morning, I looked in the mirror. I saw Dudley Dooright from the Rocky and Bullwinkle cartoon staring back at me. My chin was BIG. And, it was SQUARE…….Check Out This Chin!

OK….I told myself not to panic. So what if I had company coming in from out of town for Labor Day. I assured myself that it would go down.

This morning, it has receded a bit. But, it is still rather BIG. And, SQUARE! I’m just hoping that by tomorrow evening, it will be a normal size. If not, I will need to come up with some excuse like a giant mosquito bit me on the chin….and between the eyes, which is, also, a little abnormal looking.

You’d think I’d learn my lesson. When I had my face lasered, it stayed bright red as if I had been in a house fire for a week. When I had my eyebrows done, I was scary looking and had to go to the dentist looking like the head of the Teamster’s Union.

Now, I look like a vintage cartoon character.

But, I’m wondering how much it would cost to……………..

Tags: addiction to cosmetic procedures, armour piercing gun, boogerwoods, Botox, Bullwinkle, Burger Queen, cosmetic surgery, Dudley Dooright, large black eyebrows, missing teeth, perline, permanent tatooing, plastic surgery addiction, restalyne, spending spree, vanity

Need A Good Laugh?

  BREAKING NEWS……..Elvis and MJ found alive…..in  Mingo County , West Virginia!  

And, to beat it all, that trailer is located in the trailer park across the tracks from the trailer park where my cousin, Tessie Lou and her husband, Lester Lee, live

It seems that  Beaulah Mae Sufford was out looking for her lost kitty, Miss Fancy Pants, and was taken totally by surprise when she happened onto the above scene. Aren’t we glad that BM was able to guilt her son, Parnell, into buying her a fancy cellphone/w camera!

THANK YOU, Beaulah Mae and Parnell Sufford!!!!!! And, I would be totally remiss not to send a hearty thanks to Miss Fancy Pants for her wanderings.

In other news today…….

I did my favorite thing in the world yesterday……shopping. But, I am getting quite a bit better about buying stuff that I don’t need just because it’s on clearance.

The manager’s voice came over the sound system and said,

“Check out our tent sale right next door. You will find bargains galore.”

Well, I was tempted but decided to be strong and resist. Then, this came over the speaker…..

“Ladies…..we have lots of bargains on JOORY/JEWRY?? for you. Get a whole bag of JEWRY for just 20 dollars. You won’t find JEWRY any where else at this low price. So, hurry on over to our tent sale and buy yourself some really nice JEWRY at a really low price. The JEWRY is going fast, so get there before it’s gone.”

Jewry? Joory? Don’t know how that should be spelled. All I know is that I tried to stifle a laugh. But, the laughter couldn’t be stifled. It started with a little slip of a giggle and grew into a loud guffaw. The JEWRY struck me as one of the funniest things that I had heard in a long time.

It was not as loud as this bride, though. This bride had me laughing until tears rolled down my fast. A good, honest, clean belly laugh. I would love to be able to thank her personally. So, if any of you know her in real life, please give her my gratitude for the soul cleansing, mind clearing laugh. I hope that they live wawfully ever after.

Tags: breaking news, Elvis, is Michael Jackson really alive, Jackson death faked, jewry, joory, laughing bride video, Mingo County WV, MJ Elvis living in trailerpark, trailerpark news flash, wawfully ever after

Yes, I Am White Trash…..

Over the last two years, I’ve had a few people question my claim to be WTWM (White Trash With Money) and of having a screwed-up, totally dysfunctional family.

The events that have happened in my life over the last week or so should put any doubts to rest.

I, hereby, swear that every thing that I am about  to write is true……unfortunately.

My sister’s kids are losers. No, I’m not being mean. I’m stating a fact. They are screwed-up losers. Well, one of them is not a total loser. He’s just a whiner. But, other than that, he’s pretty much OK. The other two…..holyfreakinmoly…they should have very large L’s tatooed on their foreheads.

I don’t talk to my sister as often as I use to. We use to be really close and talk every week no matter what was going on. She moved away when her husband (our beloved, Butch…whom I miss every day) died. She has a new man in her life and he is really nice and good to her. He is, also, very, very good to her kids who have no qualms about taking advantage of him. They are contantly “borrowing” money…..money that NEVER gets paid back. And, if he ask for it, they all mumble under their breaths calling him a bastard and saying that “he has some nerve!” to ask.

Yep…they are losers. These aren’t the only family members that qualify me as having a dysfunctional family. Oh no….there is my flea-market selling brother who lived in a car wash for about a year. Yeah, I got all kinds of stories about him for later.

And, you’ve already been introduced to “Lacie”…..of Real Redneck Wedding and talking cats fame. I’m sure there will be more stories on her, too.

This post, though, is about two of my sister’s kids.

Her oldest son is a smart guy. He has gone to school for various trades and has always passed/graduated. He has owned a pizza joint, where he made fantastic pizza. He got tired of that. He went to school for some type of resperatory theray and got a job at a hopsital. He got tired of that. He went to school for welding and got a job welding. He got tired of that. So, he started making and selling meth and crack. He didn’t get tired of that. But,, the police did and arrested him. So, that is one strike. He married at 17 years old. His bride was 18. They stayed married for about 10 years and then mutually went there own ways. She is a reliable girl who had worked a steady job for their entire marriage. I guess she got tired of his career changes. That, plus the fact that he was running around with a very large woman named Bev. As soon as wife #1 was out of the picture, he moved in with Bev and her mother. My sister hated both of them….Bev and her mother. I’ll degress for a minute from The Nephew and tell a funny little story that happened with my sister and Bev’s mother. My sister had come for a very rare visit to stay with me. Her son kept calling wanting to borrow money, a car, or something. Then for some reason that I can’t remember, the mother called my sister. They seemed to be having a civil conversation about something. I don’t know what exactly they were talking about because I didn’t want to eavesdrop (plus I knew my sis would tell me everything anyway). My sis hung up the phone ( or thought she did) and said, “I hate that damn bitch!”.

The phone rang immediately. Apparently, my sis had hung up but not before the mother heard what she said. She called back wanting to know why she was being called a bitch. Uh-oh! Sis got caught big time. But, as is human nature for all of us, the first thing that she thought to do was deny it. Well, it couldn’t hardly be denied. That woman was totally pissed off. So much that I could hear her voice coming over the phone even though I was sitting clear across the room. My sis finally just hung up on her and turned her phone off. Then she looked at me, and we both cracked up. We left until tears rolled down both of our faces.

In this post, I will tell you about the two of my sis’s kids that make you go….”Whaaaaat? No, she/he didn’t!”

Mac is my sis’ son….the one with all the trade skills. As I told ya, he is divorced and has taken up with a really large woman named Bev. Mac is had several run-ins with the law over the last couple of years. The first involved his drug-making skills. Mac cooked up a batch of crack and sold it to his sister (who will be the other subject of this post). I don’t know much about meth labs or cookin’ crack up except for documentaries on televsion. So, I don’t know what makes a bad batch of drugs. Could be the wrong ingredients or maybe, not cooked long enough….I don’t know. But, Bobbie bought some bad shit and got sick enough to go to the hospital where she spilled the beans on her brother. I’d say that if you’re shaking, chilling, burning up, puking or whatever and at the ER, most people would not be in the frame of mind to protect the seller of the crap even if it is your own brother. Mac spent some time in jail for that. When Mac got out of jail, he and his hefty honey moved to a new house. Needing furniture and not having any money, Mac and Bev went to one of those rent to own centers and loaded up……living room furniture, bedroom furniture, and a large screen television. Then Mac got hard up for money and sold some of the stuff including the large screen television. The rent-to-own place didn’t take kindly to that and had him arrested. More jail time. In this weekend’s conversation with my sister, she told me that he was arrested again. This time on a domestic battery charge. Did I mention that Bev is a really Big Bertha? Yes, I did but I’ll state it again…..a really Large Marge. And…mean. She’s so big and mean that I hope that she never comes across this post even with the name changes. She will literally kick my ass. On the other hand, I’m sure that she can read. My sister told me that Mac and Large Marge Bev got into another altercation last week. Mac had been receiving text messages from another woman. He claimed that it was a girl that he went to grade school with. Uh huh! Bev got his phone and read all the text messages. I’m not sure if they were romantic in nature or not. Before I go any further, I need to describe Mac. When I describe some of these people, y’all might think that I’m just being a mean biotch. I’m not. They really look like I describe them and they are my family members…so there. Mac is the male version of a Big Bertha. Standing around 5′ 8″, he weighs in at around 200 pounds. He has terrible bucked teeth that needed braces many years ago. One thing that I do like about Mac is that he has an infectious laugh. When he laughs, everybody around him laughs, too. Of course, some of them might be laughing at the site of a bucked-tooth overweight redneck.  I’m laughing because he’s laughing.

Back to the text message story…..Bev was mad as hell when she read the messages. She totally ignored Mac trying to give her a explanation of any kind. She went out to the garage and came back in with a sledge hammer. And, she went after Mac with it. She got in a fairly decent blow to his shoulder, missing his head only because he instinctively ducked. She was drawing the hammer back to slug him with it again and he grabbed her by the hair. She lost her footing and fell to the floor. Mac fell right on top of her. She was throwing punches and he was trying to get her off of him.

 Somebody (it’s unclear who) called the cops and Mac was arrested on domestic battery. Bev should have been arrested, too, but was not. At the time of my conversation with my sister, Mac was still in county jail.

My sister is so use to this kind of behavior, she didn’t even seem to find it alarming or upsetting that her son is sitting in county jail.

Maybe, that’s because of one of her other kids…..her daughter. Now, I’m dead serious when I say Bobbie is a really loo-loo. She’s my neice so I can talk about her anyway that I want. If you think that I am being cruel when I describe her, than you have never met her. If you do happen to get the opportunity to ever meet Bobbie, you’ll think that I am being kind in her description.

Bobbie is ugly. Bobbie was not born ugly. Bobbie has somehow managed to make herself ugly and gets uglier ever year. Yes, I know that some of y’all are saying, “She shouldn’t say that. Maybe, Bobbie is pretty inside.”

No….Bobbie is not pretty inside. Bobbie possesses every ugly trait that you can think of. She’s a terrible mother. She’s really lazy. Her house is almost unihabitable. And, Bobbie is STUPID. Bobbie recently bought a huge sectional couch. She didn’t think when she bought it whether it would fit into her trailer living room or not. It didn’t. Well, it did if you didn’t have to use the front door or had to exit the living room in a normal manner. The couch was taken home and put into the living room. You couldn’t open her front door more than 6 inches. You had to squeeze yourself into her house and then inch along that monsterous couch to get into the kitchen before you could quit holding your breath. Once in the living area, you had to jump over the couch to get out of it. No joke.

Bobbie is not much into personal hygiene. And, her teeth are more bucked than Mac’s. Or, maybe, they are just more noticable because Bobbie has never made friends with a toothbrush. So, her teeth are bucked and yellow.

Bobbie has a penance for jelly shoes. She has worn jelly shoes since they were popular back in the 80′s (or whatever the decade that jelly shoes were the rage). Bobbie has her original jelly shoes. Bobbie’s jelly shoes are caked with decades of dirt. Apparently, she doesn’t know that plastic/rubber can be washed. Bobbie, also, had a thing for ho’fo’sho’ clothes. No bra. Backless. And, Bobbie is built like a midget wrestler. Thick, no waist. Yes, Bobbie is a unique looking person. She has a lovely shade of red hair. I’m not being sarcastic about that. Her hair color is really pretty. But, she neglects it. She doesn’t wash it often and she usually has it pinned back with some really ugly-ass black bobby pins or a chipped, cracked butterfly clip. She never matches. She will wear a flowery shirt and striped pants. And…those dirty, ugly-ass jelly shoes. And…cracked butterfly clip. I’m not kidding and I’m not exaggerating. She’s a doozy.

Bobbie got married when she was 19 to Arnie. Arnie was a pretty good looking guy. And…clean. To be perfectly honest, our whole family was confused as to why Arnie hooked up with Bobbie. When Arnie’s dysfunctional family and past came to light, we figured that’s why the Arnie/Bobbie hookup happened.

Here’s where this whole post gets very interesting. I am about to tell you of a family tree that may branch a bit but defintely does not fork. You may find it hard to keep up but I’ll probably get mixed up telling it, too.

Arnie and Bobbie have had lots of marital spats. Spats that ended up with them seperating. Following is an account of who was with who and it gets confusing.

First, Arnie ran off with a woman named Carol. Carol’s husband works for my husband. Carol returned and all was OK. Then, Arnie’s sister married Carol’s husband’s brother. Then she divorced Carol’s brother-in-law and married  Carol’s brother. Carol’s husband’s brother has a seventeen year old daughter. Arnie left Bobbie and took up with the seventeen year old daughter. Arnie’s sister told my sister that Arnie left Bobbie because she was lazy. I had to laugh when my sister said this, 

“Don’t give me that shit. Arnie is not leaving Bobbie because she is lazy. She has always been lazy. She was lazy when he met her. She was lazy when he married her. She’s been lazy for all the years they have been married. He’s not leaving her because she is lazy. He’s leaving her for that 17 year old piece of ass!”

My sister…..gotta love her!!!!!!

So, then,  Bobbie took up with Carol’s husband’s brother.

Following me? Confusing, I know.

Then Arnie’s mother took up with Carol’s daddy. Then Arnie’s other sister took up with Carol’s uncle but left him for the uncle of the guy who works for us.

That whole bunch can actually go to a family reunion with different spouses/partners and still see the same people. Jerry Springer would love them.

This is how the relationships were last week when I talked to my sister. Things could have changed by now.

I’m wondering if any of y’all would like to figure out and tell me who is what to whom now?

Don’t tell me that I don’t have a white trash, dysfunctional family ever again.

 

 

Tags: being your own grandpa, buck teeth, cooking and selling bad drugs, dating your grandpa, dysfunctional family, family tree that doesn't fork, hit with a sledgehammer, Ho'Fo'Sho', jelly shoes, Jerry Springer guests, my aunt is my girlfriend, redneck weddings, story of my redneck family, stupid people, trailerpark white trash, white trash family, who's my daddy

Patriots…Show Yourselves!!!!

 

 

WALK NAKED IN AMERICA DAY

              Don’t forget to mark your calendars.  As you
may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any
woman other than his wife naked.  He must commit suicide if
he does.  So next Saturday at 4 PM Eastern Time, all
American women are asked to walk out of their house
completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood
terrorists.  Circling your block for one hour is
recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.   All patriotic
men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front  of
their house to prove they are not Muslims and to demonstrate
they think its okay to see nude women other than their wife
and to show support for all A merican women.  Since Islam
also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side
is further proof of your anti-Muslim sentiment..  The
American government appreciates your efforts to root out
terrorists and applauds your participation in this
anti-terrorist activity.

               God bless America !

Tags: America, cold 6 pack, naked protest, naked protestors, naked women, obama, patriotic men, terrorists

Goats? R U Freakin’ Kidding Me?

This has been a busy, busy, busy weekend. Helped TPMidge move into her new house. Worked all day Saturday on it.

I woke up this morning with sore muscles and aches and pains all over. I didn’t even go to church. Instead, I laid on my living room floor doing stretching exercises and running a massager over my shoulders.

TPKen started on the laundry room last week….putting in cabinets. Today, he decided to put the shelf he had promised me up. TPKen can never go anything the easy or quick way. Being a design engineer by trade, he measures, remeasures, takes a break and thinks about the measurements, then measures again to be sure. I can’t knock him too much, though. I rarely ever measure anything and am known to just throw something together or up on a wall. You can tell who did what if you come to my house. TPK’s stuff is perfectly straight and in order. By contrast, my stuff has no rhyme or reason. One of these days, I’m going to become more structured. That will be the same days that monkeys fly out my butt.

After finally ungluing myself from the floor, I went in the kitchen to have some coffee. TPKen had just left to go get some supplies from Lowe’s. I looked out the window and found myself almost staring a deer directly in the eyes. The deer are pretty brave around here and wandered close to the house, especially the kitchen windows. When the deer realized that I was not going to hurt it, it went back to grazing. Three more came up and joined it. After a short while, they wandered off into the woods which border our yard.I like watching the deer. They make me feel serene.

But, what does not make me feel peaceful and serene lately, is the flock of turkeys that keep showing up in the field. Those turkeys are big-ass fowl. And, they’ve started doing something weird. They are forming a line looking at my house. It looks like a Turkey Charge Line. I keep expecting to see them out their with little tiny turkey helmets on talking into little walkie  talkies and planning a rebellion against me. They are seriously growing in numbers and size.

They stand around like these turkeys in this picture except there are a lot more of them….

I’m used to seeing the deer, the turkeys, the foxes, and even the occasional bear out my window.

But, today, I saw something that through me for a loop. I was just taking it easy, lying on the bed watching some television when I caught some motion out of the corner of my eye.

I jumped up and pulled back the curtain and looked outside. My yard was full of…..GOATS! I counted 27 goats wandering around my back yard. One was doing some kind of humping or scratching on a tree. One had jumped up in the back of the farm truck. One was eating something off of the dog house roof. The rest were just meandering around eating weeds and grass. Where did those goats come from? I ran to get my camera but they had started off into the woods before I could get a picture. I hope that they come back so I can shoot them…with a camera. They were fun to watch.

My last post proved that I really am WTMW (white trash with money). This post proves that I live in the boogerwoods!

Tags: boogerwoods living, fox, redneck living.white trash life, turkey attack, wild goats, wild turkeys, wild wonderful WV, WV black bears, WV wildlife

Deers, and Turkeys, and BEARS! OH MY!!!

My last few posts have been about the wildlife that I’ve seen around my house lately. There have been a multitude of big-ass turkeys, lots of deer, and even a wandering herd of goats. I enjoy watching these animals and am not one bit of afraid of going outside when they are in my yard. Although , an angry deer can do damage to people and property, these deer seem placid and just wanting to graze. We’ve had hoards of turkeys ever since we moved in here three years ago. The only run-in that I’ve had with any is the time that one really big and aggressive turkey was pecking at the glass in my door. You might remember the post about it. I was in the bathroom sitting on the commode when I heard a loud pecking/knocking on the family room door. Not being able to see what it was, I thought someone was trying to break into my house. I hurried and pulled up my pants and ran to the hallway to peep into the family room. Yes, I said “peep”. If it was an intruder, I sure didn’t want them to see me. I would need time to run and get my gun. Although, I wouldn’t want to shoot anyone, I am always at the ready to do just that if someone tries to come into my house without an invitation.

At the door stood a huge (big-ass) Tom Turkey. He had a  big waddle on his neck that could have been used as a backpack. And, he was PISSED. He saw another big-ass Tom looking at him and he was in war mode. Of course, the turkey that he was seeing was just his own reflection in the glass. Since, he did not know this, he was ready to fight till his last feather fell to the earth. He PECKED and PECKED at that glass until I seriously thought he was going to shatter it. I went to the door and tried to shoo him away. But, I think that what he saw then was his reflection (a humongous turkey pecking back) and a human standing behind it. I don’t think turkeys can think very much but if he could, he probably thought that he was fighting the other turkey plus a human. So, this just made him angrier and he began to peck at the window even harder. At this point, I was seriously afraid that he was going to break the glass which would allow him access to where I was. I was picturing myself knocked to the floor and having my blue eyeballs plucked out by this fearless fowl. So, I started grabbing stuff and throwing it at the door in hopes of scaring him away. I threw some sofa pillows which just seem to piss him off more. I threw magazines and shoes. He was not giving up. Thanks to God that TPKen arrived home about that time. He went outside to distract the bird. It worked and the turkey began giving chase to TPKen. I don’t think that I have ever seen TPKen run so fast. TPKen runs funny anyway. Now that I think about it, he runs kind of like a turkey. He keeps his arms close to his side when running. We have argued about this several times. As I have told you, TPKen is an engineer and sees everything in blueprint drawings and measurements.He swears that keeping your arms close to you when you run makes you more aerodynamic and allows faster movement.That’s bullshit and y’all know it. If that were the case, why don’t we see Olympic runners crossing the finish line looking armless?

TPKen kinda looks like a weeble when he’s running…… I keep expecting him to wobble and then fall down.

Anyway, Ken made it to the front door in his armless running fashion a few feet ahead of  Tom Turkey. He rushed inside and shut the door. The angry turkey stood on the front porch for a few minutes looking for something to fight and following waddled off to the woods.

We’ve also seen some pretty foxes. Not often. Maybe, 2 or 3 a year. The animals that I was most amazed to see were some coyotes. I didn’t realize that we even had any in this neck of the woods but we do. One thing that I have not seen in the 3 years that I have lived here is a snake. Not even one snake. I’m not sure why but it’s OK with me.

TPKen and I have been walking around the property after supper for exercise. TPKen has quit smoking and it helps him to not think about cigarettes right after he eats (which is the worse time for smokers). On Tuesdays walk, we spotted two piles of unidentifiable animal poop. That evening, my SIL came out to target practice and brought a friend with him. They are both avid hunters. Before he left, he came in the house and told me that they had spotted several piles of BEAR poop.

We’ve had bears before. They have turned over huge garbage cans and left big scratch marks. I don’t mind having bears around as long as I can see them out the window. But, I have no desire to come up on one while we are both outside.

Yesterday, TPKen asked me if I was ready for our walk. I told him that I would walk only if we carried weapons. He said that we didn’t need any guns or anything because our voices alone would scare the bears away. Nuh uhhh. If that were the case, you’d never read or hear about bear attacks, would ya? So, I refused to go. The bears should be getting ready for hibernation. I guess they are looking for food to fatten themselves up before they take their long winter’s nap. I don’t know what they could be eating here since all of the berries and fruit are long gone.

I’m just hoping that I won’t be on the commode and hear a loud tapping at my glass door again. And, I’m seriously praying that if I do, it won’t be a bear.

Now…gotta run. I have so many things to do that I’m stuck in paralyzed mode wondering which ones need done first.

Here’s my list of TTD….

1. Oil change

2. Haircut

3.Post office and banks

4.Grocery store

5. Take computer back under warranty. Which reminds me. If I’m not here for a few days, my computer is being sent back to Dell. The CD hickey (where you insert the CD) will not open. And, when I turn on the computer, it makes a terrible grinding racket sound. I’ve spent this morning transferring pictures to a Virtual Expander so as not to lose them. Have any of you ever had this problem? If so, how did you fix it?

Time to tackle my list!

Tags: angry turkey, bear poop, bears roaming around house, deer, fox, living in the boogerwoods, living in the woods, mean turkey, my life in the wild, my white trash life, running like a weeble, screw-ups.redneck living, turkey chasing husband, turkey knocking at door, weebles, WV wildlife

Leno, Chipmunk Cheeks, and Goats….

Those of you who have been around here for a while know that I am always doing something that I believe will improve my appearance.  And, that most always encompasses the latest/greatest procedure that doesn’t involve actual plastic surgery. I have…

1. Had my skin on my face peeled off with lasers.

2. Had my skin on my face melted off with chemicals.

3. Had my eyelids….upper and lower…tatooed (which didn’t last).

4. Had my eyebrows tattooed (which didn’t last)

5.Had some fillers shot into my chin which left me looking like Jay Leno for a few days.

About 2 weeks ago, I went to the derma office and got Restalyn, Pearline, and Botox injections. It was my anniversary gift to myself. Now, y’all remember what I have said before about TPKen and his extravagant impulse buying. I use to get pissed off when he blew through a wad of money. Now, I relish it because I use it to justify something extravagant for myself. This derm visit was one of those times. He had spent a crap-load of money on something stupid so it was my turn! Ha!

After the fillers, I looked like a cross betweenDudley Dooright and Jay Leno       .

 You could have used my chin as a coffee table. Thank goodness, the swelling went down in about 24 hours or so.

This crap gets expensive. So, when my lovely dermatologist asked me if I wanted to be her “subject” for a training session, I didn’t even pause to ask her what she was going to do to me. All that I knew was that I would be receiving FREE FILLER in my face.

Today was the appointed time for the training session and I had to be at the derma office by 9:00 am. I was so determined to be there on time and not miss out that I hardly slept at all last night.

I arrived at the office which was closed for the day for training sessions to take place. The office is a big-ass building with lots of corridors and halls. The waiting room is usually packed with people that have big hairy moles to be removed or covered in all visible areas with rashes and bumps or, patients scattered here and there that are cosmetic procedure patients.

 In our boogerwoods area, it takes a little longer to get the newest stuff than people in big cities like New York. But, there is no shortage of women and men ready and willing to do whatever it takes to make them look younger/better. There is more money floating around in these hills than people think. We who live in WV are still portrayed as toothless, barefooted hicks who intermarry. But, nothing could be farther from the truth. We are actually toothless, barefoot hillbillies with perfect flawless skin.

 Just kidding.  Seriously, though, our Jed Clampett and Granny image has gone by the wayside for the most part. Sure there are still plenty of  “hollers” and old coal camps populated with people who like their laid back hillbilly lives. And, rest assured, that we have more than our share of generational welfare families who do nothing to improve their lives. An interesting fact is that in my area, there are lots of “Yankee furners” (aka Yankie foreigners) who have left the fast paced, stress filled life in big cities to live in WV.

Sorry, my ADD is in full swing today. I got off-track and will now return to the original post subject which is ME.

I signed in with the receptionist and wandered around the humongous waiting room looking for some magazines.  I think that you can tell a lot about a doctor by the magazines in the waiting room. My regular all-around physician has magazines in her office from 1999.  The only new ones that ever show up there are ones with the addresses torn off that people have brought in with them. And, there are lots of Avon catalogs.  From this, I gather that she is not the owner of the practice but an employee of some corporation or conglomerate. She comes in, does her job and goes home. The waiting room reading material is not her concern.

On the other hand, the derma office is full of recent issues of a variety of magazines. This tells me that the head derma doc (who is the owner) takes steps to make his waiting patients comfortable and entertained. This derma doc had just recently moved into the building which is huge…..lined with many halls and corridors that remind me of a maze.

In just a few short minutes, the nurse called me back….waaaay back….to a part of the building that I had never seen. Scenes from Dr. Frankenstein ran thru my head. Was I being escorted to the research lab? Was I going to come  face to face with 2-headed monkeys banging against cage walls? Or, lizards with human heads? Maybe, a lab rat with collage filled cheeks?

 I was relieved when I entered the room and saw a regular exam chair.

Soon, Tanya (the derma doc) came in accompanied by a nurse and 2 other women in lab coats. She introduced me to them. One was another derma doc, one was a nurse, and one was a rep of a big drug company that produced cosmetic drugs.

The rep really impressed me when she started talking about what she was going to do to me. It was going to be getting shots with some fillers in my cheeks and around my mouth.

Oh hell’s bells….the goats are back. That has nothing to do with this post but they scared the crap out of me. Two of them were up on my window sill. I don’t even know how they could stand on it. Here’s pictures……

This is just a few of them. There are about a dozen right outside my window where I am typing.

Sorry….I told y’all that my ADD is in full gear today. The goat thing was like a “looky, a chicken” distraction. Some days are like that from the time I get up until the time I go to bed. My mind is all over the place.

On with the show……..the derma rep and the derma doc (and onlookers) stood back from me and would tell me to move my chin up, or down, move my head slightly to the left or right, smile or frown. Then the rep took a pink marker and began marking areas of my face that she thought the filler would do the most good. The fun started…….needles shot in various areas of my face. Two needles in the cheek areas. Then, there was a debate about where to put more filler. I personally wanted filler between my eyes to fill in the furrow that I had developed over the years frowning at my kids. I ,also, tend to furrow my brows when I am thinking intently. I’ve tried to break the habit and gone so far as to put tape on the furrow to alert me when I was doing it. Of course, that didn’t work. It just left sticky tape marks that I had to scrub away. Tanya had already shot some botox in that area a few weeks before this. My next area that I wanted filled was around my mouth….you kow those mannequin folds/lines that we developed over time. The doc and rep agreed that the lines were perfect candidates for filling. So, Tanya shot that area about 4 times on each side.

The results were immediate and surprising. I had a picture taken the first time that I was there for my “before” pic. Then they took a new pic and compared them. WOW! I could really see a difference. I only wish that I had asked them to take 2 of each pic so that I could have them to post here.

After 2 hours, I was finished. It wasn’t 2 hours of shots.There was lots of conversation, too. Afterall, this was a training session.

Tanya told me to be sure and keep ice packs on the swollen areas until they went down. However, I had to stop by WalMart to get a few groceries since our family reunion is today and I had nothing to take. In hindsight, I know that I should have gone home and put ice packs on and gone later to the grocery store. It may have prevented me from looking like Alvin the Chipmunk.

This time, the rep showed Tanya a different way to do my chin so I didn’t have the Leno look. But, apparently, she thought that I needed more cheeks because when I looked in the mirror, I had that lovely cheeks-full-of-chewing-tobacco look. I felt like singing the Chipmunk song about Christmas.

I know that the swelling will go down. However, it has been 24 hours and it doesn’t show any sign of going down yet. And, today is our family reunion day! And, TPSkipper is, also, going to be singing at the Summersville Grape Festival/Kirkwood Wine Festival. The festival is a pretty big shin-dig. Lots of people come to stomp around in the grapes. There are bins of grapes set out that anyone can stomp if they want. I think that I am going to give it a try.

Anyway, I am hoping that the chipmunk look will go away at least a little bit before I have to leave for the reunion and the grape festival.

When I was little, I had round plump cheeks. My mom said that when I was a baby, she took me to the doctor for something (don’t remember what) and the doc mistakenly thought that I had the mumps because my cheeks were so fat……kinda like this baby….

So, now I’m off to go get ready. I’m hoping that I can do some make-up magic. If not, I need to be thinking of a reasonable explanation for these huge jowls. I welcome any suggestions about how to explain my Alvin look.

Tags: Alvin and The Chipmunks, Botox, cosmetic procedures, experimental cosmetic prodcedures, face fillers, fat cheeks, fat jowls, Jay Leno, Kirkwood Wine Festival, Pearline, restalyne, roaming goats, Summersville Grape Festival, The Songcatchers, trying to look younger

Why I Take A Book To The Doctor’s Office…

 

“note….I posted this at my other blog….Bipolar Chicks Blogging. I don’t like reposting from one blog to the other but wanted to share this with some of you. I didn’t post the whole thing here. But, I put the link to the other blog in if you liked to read the whole thing” TPB

 

A visit to a doctor’s office is always a good way to observe people and learn.

I had an appt. on Thursday at 1:30. This is a regular good ol’ GP who sees anybody for anything. My Phys. Assist. at my old pdoc’s office got me in with her. She’s very popular. Proof of that is the 1 1/2 hours that I had to sit in the waiting room.

Usually, I take a book along to read but this day, I forgot it on the kitchen table. Not in the mood for conversation, I sat and listened to other people talk. Soon, I found myself jumping in on the talk.

One guy told a really sad story about how his wife got hooked on prescription meds when his young son had died. A pdoc prescribed her several different emotion-numbing meds to get her through her grief. Soon, he said that she had become addicted. She would go through her month’s supply and than hit the streets to buy more. Poor guy said that he had lost his home, his car, and all of his savings to the insatiable appetite that she had for the drugs. He said that she weighed 140 lbs when their son died and was now down to 79 pounds. He had sought treatment for her from several venues but so far, had no luck in helping her kick the monkey on her back. So sad…….

One lady told a story about a local pdoc who is known in this area for his generosity in prescribing drugs. He and 3  other staff members at his office would see around 150 patients a day. That’s around 40 each.  Forty patients in eight hours….you do the math. Spending just enough time with each patient to “treat ‘em and street ‘em”…..handing out prescriptions like  Halloween candy. She said that as soon as you left his office, you’d be approach by people in the parking lot saying, “What did they give you? Do you want to trade it for what I have? Or, do you want to sell it?” Crying shame….pdoc parking lot transformed into a drug dealer’s paradise.

After the few people that I was talking to got called back into the doc’s office, I was sitting there reading the signs on the walls. You know….how to tell if a mole is cancerous, why it’s better to breast feed your baby, the importance of exercise in seeking wellness, etc.

Suddenly, I heard a garbled voice say, “Hey, you know anybody who wants to spend time with me?” The voice was coming from over my shoulder and I turned to see who was being addressed. It was me that the lady was talking to. Now, don’t get your panties in a wad and call me insensitive or politically incorrect…but….the lady had one of the illnesses/diseases that makes one talk in a halting manner and like you have your mouth full of marbles or something. I am not poking fun at her. I just want you to get the picture. 

“on my soap box”

I hesitate to use the word “retarded” because I know I’ll get somebody on their high horse giving me a lecture about using the word. Just like the word “midget”. We are no longer allowed to use that word. What’s wrong with using words that describe somebody? It’s stupid to have to think of a whole prhase to describe something when one word gives you the exact picture. I turned around and looked over the half-wall separating the waiting room into two halves. There was a dark haired lady wearing glasses peering over the wall at me.

“steps off soapbox”

“Excuse me?” I said.

Now remember, she was very hard to understand.

“Do you know anybody who wants a job driving me around? It would be on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday.  It pays $7.40 an hour.But, not Wednesday.”

This came out soundling like “Dyou know eeny buddy wants a job dwiving me awound. It would be on Money, Toosedee, Fursday, and Fwyday. But, no Wensdee”.

I stilled wasn’t sure what she was trying to say. As I said, she was hard to understand and what I am typing that she said is my best guess. Also, I got the impression that she thought seven dollars and forty cents was really high pay for driving her around.

As politely as I could, I said, “No, I do not know of anyone.” And, went back to reading about the results of chewing tobacco over a life time. There were some really ugly pictures in the brochure. I was fascinated by a picture of a young guy with half of his face gone as a result of smokeless tobacco aka dip, snuff when I heard this…..

“You’d need a dwirvers license, insurwance, no smoking, no swinking, and a back-up check”.

A BACK-UP CHECK???? WTF is a …..oh….then, it hit me that she meant a “background……

Read rest of the story at  BipolarChicksBlogging.

Tags: annoying woman, bipolar, depression, doctors who overprescribed meds, kissing bears, lying to a handicapped person, politically incorrect words, retarded woman, stories of addiction.waiting in the doctor's office, treat 'em and street 'em doctors, waiting room conversation

The Government Can….

Nothing need be said…..just watch the video…..

Tags: money, obama, song about taxes, taking your money, taxes, the government, the new administration, Tom Hawkins, youtube

19 lb 2 oz Baby….

A baby weighing over 19 pounds was born in Indonesia.

I only have one word to say……………OW!

Tags: 19lb 2oz baby, owow my poontang hurts, painful children, super larger baby

Senior Dress Code….

A friend emailed this to me. I thought that I would share it……..

SENIOR DRESS CODE Many of us ‘Old Folks’ ( WAY over 50) are quite confused today about how we should present ourselves. Feeling ‘young’ , we try to conform to current fashions and present a youthful image. Contrary to what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

 1. A nose ring and bifocals

 2. Spiked hair and bald spots

3.. A pierced tongue and dentures

 4. Miniskirts and support hose

 5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads

 6. Speedos and cellulite

7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar

 8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor

 9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge

10. Bikinis and liver spots

11. Mini skirts and varicose veins

And, Most importantly At some point you have to give up the ‘DAISY DUKE’ shorts

 

Seriously, a few years back, TPKen and I were at the Charlotte Motor-Speedway. I saw a woman about the age of the one in the pic wearing shorts very much like the ones in the pic. She had a horrible case of cellulite and had some ready-to-pop red pimples on her ass cheeks. It was very disturbing…..and funny.

Tags: body piercings, butt pimples, buttcheeks, cellulite, I see your a** hanging out, no she didn't, oh, old man Speedos, senior dress code, take a look in the mirror, too old for daisy dukes

Observations on Growing Older…..

I’ve had a leaky brain crack or something along that order lately. Thoughts gather in my head and lead out before I can write them down. So, today, I am posting Observations on Growing Older….a friend sent this to me. I added a few one-liners that are suppose to be jokes but I swear….everyone is true. Hope you get a laugh out of it. And, please, if you have any to add, don’t hestitate to do so.

Hopefully, I’ll get the crack in my brain fixed up with some super-glue or silly putty soon. I’ve got lots to write about but my mind is going in 10 directions at once. This last few weeks have been hopping with activity at the trailerpark. Hopefully, I’ll be able to organize my thoughts and tell ya about it soon.

Observations on Growing Older —

~It’s harder to tell navy from black!

~Everything old is new again, but if you wore it before, you’re too old to wear it the 2nd time around! ~

Your kids are becoming you…and you don’t like them! 

 ~Yellow becomes the big color…walls…hair…teeth!

 ~Going out is good. Coming home is better!

 ~When people say you look “Great”…they add “for your age”!

~When you needed the discount you paid full price. Now you get discounts on everything…movies, hotels …flights.

 ~You forget names…but it’s OK because other people forgot they even knew you.

`~The last 2 outfits you wore had spots on them.

~You ask your husband or friend how your outfit looks and they tell you the truth!

 ~The five pounds you wanted to lose is now 15 and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.

  ~The things you cared to do,you don’t care to do,but you care that you don’t care to do them anymore.

~Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring then he does in bed. It’s called his “pre-sleep”

~Remember when your mother said “Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident”? Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident!

  ~The best place to have a conversation with your husband is in the bathroom…you have his full attention.

(There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory. I forget the other two.}

~ `Who wants to wear 3″ heels anyway? `

~You miss the days when everything worked with just an “ON” and “OFF” switch

 ~You use more 4 letter words…”what?”…”when?” ???

(It’s hard to be nostalgic when you can’t remember anything)

 ~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it’s not safe to wear it anywhere.

(Young at heart. Slightly older in other places.)

 ~Your husband has a night out with the guys but he’s home by 9:00 P.M…next week it will be 8:30 P.M.

~ You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you’ve read it.

(One good thing about Alzheimers is you get to meet new people every day)

~Many of the people in People Magazine you’ve never heard of.

~Your concealer doesn’t conceal. ~Your lipstick bleeds. ~Your mascara clumps and your eyebrows are disappearing.

~You don’t have hair under your arms and very little on your legs but your chin needs to be plucked daily!

(The face is familiar but I can’t quite remember my name.)

 ~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

 ~Everybody whispers.

 ~Now that your husband has retired …you’d give anything if he’d find a job! ~`You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet….2 of which you will never wear.

You’re only young once, but you can be immature forever!!!!!!

Tags: elderly jokes.old people, forgetfulness, observations on getting old, old man, old woman, senior moments, wrinkles

Help! Help! Help!

Help!!! I’ve fallen and can’t get up……..

at least it seems that way. I’ve not been worth a bucket of warm turds lately. I just can’t seem to get going.

Somebody….HELP! Send me a case of Red Bull! Or, one of these buttons…..

Maybe, I just need a swift kick in the ass. I’m sure there are volunteers out there who would be willing to do that.

I feel like I’m in a state of suspension or as my Mama would say….I’ve got a case of the “droops”.

Off to the dentist. Maybe, the pain will wake me up. Or, hopefully, I’ll find something to inspire me to write about.

Tags: bipolar depression, help I've fallen, I can't get up, paralyzed by depression

Still Kickin’

I’m writing this to let my blogging friends know that contrary to rumor, (and some people’s wishes) I’m not dead. Well…not totally. Just brain dead. And busy.

I’ve got to get my act together and write about something original. Or, I’m going to get a reputation for copying and pasting crap all the time.

For some reason, last nite, I dreamed about this crazy idea for a Halloween costume that I made TPSkipper one year. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

I made her a “shower around her” outfit. I took a hula-hoop and attached a fake (aluminum foil and hangar) shower head to it. Then I hung a shower curtain on it. It was really cute.

She went off to a Halloween party dressed in her shower outfit. I was rather proud of my artistic endeavor. However, when she came home from the party, she said that she had to take it off soon after she got to the party. It seems that I had not taken into account that she couldn’t sit down, play games, or even really talk to anyone with that thing on. My ingenious idea turned out to be a bad idea.

The best laid plans of mice and moms.

Tags: bad idea for a Halloween costume, Halloween, redmeck Halloween costume, shower costume, what was I thinking

A Serious Post….But, A Little Humor, Too….

As my blogging buddies know, I usually write humorous or strange stories about my life here. If I lack the brain energy to do that, I might post a funny video or email that I have received. Today is different. This post is semi-serious but you might get a giggle or to at some of the stuff. So, if you feel like laughing….please, do. Laughing is good for you( Even if it is at my expense).

 

Week before last, I was sitting on the sofa and watching Modern Family (that show is really funny). I was eating a muffin when I felt something weird happening in my mouth. I quit eating the very, soft muffin (it was a Weight Watcher muffin. Darn, those things are expensive). I removed the muffin from my mouth on mid-bite and looked at it. Holy smokes, FatMan, there was half of my tooth inserted in the muffin. What the fduck? I called my dentist office and was told that he was in his Smmersville office and I could not see him until Monday. I was told to go to WalMart and buy some dental bonding stuff. I cannot remember the name of it right now. So, off to Wally World and then back home with a tube of dental glue. I cleaned my gums and the tooth really well and applied some of the bonding. Then I stuck the tooth back in place and held it for about 3o seconds. As soon as I let go, the tooth promptly fell out again. So, thinking that I didn’t hold it long enough, I re-glued it and stuck it back in my mouth and held it for a full minute. No luck. As soon as I let go, the damn tooth fell out again. I won’t bore you with the many attempts that I made after that.

This tooth is on the front left side of my face. ALthough, the face that I am missing  a tooth  is not readily noticable, it was really bothering me. You see…..I never had any dental care until I was old enough to work and provide it for myself. As I have told y’all, my family was really poor. Actually, we were so poor that we had an extra couple of “o’s” and we were pooor. My parents could barely afford to feed 5 kids much less pay for dental stuff. The lack of dental care has played havoc on my teeth. And, I have spent tens of thousands of dollars repairing, restoring, and maintaining my teeth. One of my worse fears is ever having to wear dentures. Not that I’m knocking any dentures wearers who may be reading this. It’s just that I have put so much moolah in my mouth, I cringe when I think that it might all go down the (dental sink) drain.

As I got near the end of the tube of bonding stuff, I got an idea. Y’all know how much I love duct tape and super glue. Of course, I couldn’t use duct tape in this situation but what about some Super Glue? So, I squirted the last bit of bonding from the tube onto my tooth (which was in my hand) and then I put some Super Glue into the bonding and mixed it together. I tried that. NO LUCK! Not one to give up easily, I decided the hell with it….I’d go all the way….and I put just super glue on the tooth. I held it in place for around 45 seconds. I was in for a shock when I removed my finger. The tooth was not glued in place to the broken off still in my gum. However, it was glue to my finger.

Reading what I just wrote is getting me tickled. Thinking about the whole scene is somewhat amusing and crazy. Y’all (frequent readers….all 9 of you) know that despite the fact that I LOVE duct tape and super glue, I rarely manage to use them without incident and have a low success rate with repairs involving them. I’ve accidentally put super glue in almost every orifice of my body (above the waist line…althoug I’m not ruling that possibility out in the future. Who knows when I might have to repair an important crack?). You’d think that by now, I would have learned my lesson and banned super glue from my kitchen junk drawer.  I guess I am a slow learner.

Anyway….here I was….still had a gap in my upper teeth and now had a tooth glued to my finger. It occurred to me (briefly) that I could just stick my finger with the tooth glue on in the hole in my mouth if I had to go out in public. But, of course, that was a stupid idea. So, I set about trying to get the tooth off of my finger without damaging it. I tried all sorts of removal stuff…Goo Gone, that stuff that takes bugs off of your windshield, extremely hot water (which just produced a burned finger with a tooth on it) among other things. Finally, I did what I always have to do…..I cut it off….meaning skin…..I had to cut the tooth away from the skin.

So, at that point, I had a gap in my teeth, a burnt finger, an empty tube of bonding, and was worse off then when I started trying to fix it. And, I was panicked. One of my worst nightmares is to be toothless. 

All three of my surviving siblings have either horrible teeth or false teeth. My youngest sister just got dentures about a month ago. She is having a terrible time trying to wear them. But, when she doesn’t, she looks at least 20 years older than her age. Both of my brothers have dental problems. Actually, it’s pretty common to see toothless people around here. I just don’t want to be included in their numbers.

I waited until Monday and called to get an appt. I couldn’t get one until Wednesday. I went in and had my teeth cleaned since it was time for it anyway. Then the dentist came in. He took a look at my tooth and said, “Sorry, there is nothing that I can do for that tooth except extract the rest of it”. WHAAAAT? OH NO!!!!!! But, I gathered my senses and asked him how we could replace it and he gave me 3 options. ….a bridge, a partial, or an implant. I chose implant. He told me that would have to wait several months to heal before he could do the implant. Although, I did not like that, I had accepted the fact that I would not have a tooth in that spot for a while. Besides, it wasn’t that bad. The hole was  only really evident if I smiled as big as an alligator. And, if it did become embarrassing, I figured that I could go and get one of these.They are cheap and can be purchased at any Spencer’s. 

BUT, that is when things took a turn for the worse. From here on thru the rest of the post, there is not one damn thing funny.

The dentist was taking an unusally long amount of time looking at my x-rays and making notes. I was getting nervous. As I have said before, I am a total dental wimp. I chalk that up to no preventive dental care when I was young which resulted in MAJOR painful work when I got older.

Then he informed me that I have …….Osteonecrosis of the Jaw. This condition is hard to describe so click on the link if you want more info. Osteonecrosis in a nutshell mean that your teeth are probably going to fall out. This news was devastating to me. I have been upset and depressed about this since last Wednesday. One cause of this condition is taking Actonel or Fosamax….medications used for the treatment of osteoporosis. I have been taking Actonel or Fosamx for the better part of 15 years.

AND, I AM PISSED….REALLY PISSED!!!!!!

Two doctor’s, one a so-called expert in arthritis and bones, and one was my gynecologist. Also, the dentist has it on my med records that I was on Actonel.

The internet is full of stories of people who have this problem. And, it’s full of stories of LAW SUITS.

My question is….why didn’t at least one of these people in the medical/dental field warn me about Fosamax and Actenol. FYI…Boniva (touted by perky Sally Fields) also, causes this.

I’ve got to wait until I’m facing the possibility of loosing most, if not all, of my teeth before I am told about this?

I’m not the sort of person who thinks lawsuit over every injustice done to me. But, in this case, I’m seriously considering it.

If anyone reading this has

1.Osteonecrosis of the Jaw

2.Knows somebody who has osteonecrosis of the jaw or suspects it

3. Is taking Actenol or Fosamax at present or have in the past

I would really appreciate your input and comments. Although, I can usually find humor in just about anything (see first part of blog and superglue accident), this is NOT FUNNY AT ALL.

Also, if any of you have had or known someone who has had treatment for this…..PLEASE COMMENT ABOUT IT. I’m desperate here.

 

Today’s Shitcake awards go to Dr. **cky, Dr. K**lid, and the drug companies.

Tags: Actenol, Billy Bob teeth, crumbling teeth, drug companies, Fosamax.Boniva, malpractice lawsuit, medical mal-practice, osteonecrosis, osteonecrosis of the jaw, shitcake awards, super-glue accident, superglue for teeth, toothless woman

Proud To Be A Redneck….

A friend from “up north” (one of those Yanks) sent this to me. I liked it and hope that you like it, too.

Face it…if you don’t, you are not a real REDNECK…..

 

We have enjoyed the redneck jokes for years. It’s time to take a reflective look at the core beliefs of a culture that values home, family, country and God. If I had to stand before a dozen terrorists who threaten my life, I’d choose a half dozen or so rednecks to back me up.. Tire irons, squirrel guns and grit — that’s what rednecks are made of. I hope I am one of those. 

 Ya’ll know who ya ‘ll are so stand up right this second and holler, “Hell Yes! I’m a bona-fide redneck and PROUD of it!”

 You might be a redneck if:

It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, ‘One nation, under God.’

 You might be a redneck if: You’ve never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.

 You might be a redneck if: You still say ‘ Christmas’ instead of ‘Winter Festival.’

You might be a redneck if you bow your head when someone prays.

 You might be a redneck if you stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem.

You might be a redneck if you treat our armed forces veterans with great respect, and always have.

 You might be a redneck if you’ve never burned an American flag, nor intend to.

 You might be a redneck if you know what you believe and you aren’t afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.

You might be a redneck if you respect your elders and raised your kids to do the same.

You might be a redneck if you’d give your last dollar to a friend.

OK…the next part is my own personal “Ya Might Be A Redneck”

Ya might be a redneck if your cleaning lady shows up with a shiner. I asked her who punched her in the eye and she said that she had gotten into a brawl with her ex-boyfriend’s new sweetie. I asked her if she had given the girlfriend a black eye to match her and she said that she not only black both of her eyes but had, also, put so many bruises on her that she will need one of those don-nut O pillows to sit on for a month.

I just love that girl. She’s a little redneck spitfire hellcat. We spent half of the time that she was here dancing to Lynard Skynard. Who says that you shouldn’t fraternize with the hired help. “S” is a lot of fun. So what if we waste half of her paid time laughing, dancing, and talking? And, TPKen comes home and says, “Didn’t “S” come to help you clean today?

BTW….I said that I wouldn’t NEVER hire someone to help me clean. But, when TPKen insisted on building “The Big House”,  I told  him that I was not going to spend my entire life cleaning. I said we could hire somebody to help out or call A&E to do a documentary on hoarding. Well, I’m not in the league of those people but there is a woman down the road who seriously could compete with any hoarder. Her yard is full of  broken concrete lawn-fawns, gnomes and grass-asses (you know…those wooden cut-outs of people bending over), Mother Mary statues with broken arms and noses, etc. She goes around the city on free garbage pick-up day (on that day, you can throw away big items like sofas and stuff) and grabs stuff. I’ve been wanting to take a picture of her house but I can’t tell when she is home or not. There certainly is no way to sneak up on her. And, she doesn’t hesitate to pull a pistol out of bra (yes, her bra) and aim. I’m not scared of many people but she is one of which I steer clear.

Back to “S”…..she has a tragic story, actually. Hooked on Oxycontin, crack, and other drugs, she hit rock bottom and is trying hard to climb back up. She lost custody of her kids but recently got them back. She cleans houses for a living and does a darn good job of it. She’s a hard worker and doesn’t mind doing anything that you ask of her. Ya know, she could be sitting on her ass like so many young women (she is 27) do around her and draw a welfare check. But, she knows that would only lead to a life of  probably getting back on drugs.

“S”‘s water got cut off a few months ago. She called the water company and they said that she had run up a $600 water bill in 2 months. She told them that was impossible and asked them to check for a leak. They did and told her that the leak must be in her house somewhere and that they could not do anything. So, turned off her meter and disconnected a water pipe. “S” went to Lowe’s, bought a new pipe, and hooked it back up herself. When the meter reader was in her neighborhood , he noticed the new pipe. He went to her door and told her that she owed the water company for the water that she was using. She said, “Prove it! I don’t have a meter to read” and shut the door in his face. That girl has more balls than most men that I know! Gotta love a Redneck Woman like that!

Tags: black eye, drug addiction, hired help, hoarders, Lynard Skynard, Oxycontin, redneck brawls, redneck dancing, redneck music, redneck pride, redneck woman, women fighting, ya might be a redneck, Yankees

Not Funny? So, Sue Me!

 

 

I’ve been working on some new posts. I’ve got 3 or 4 started on subjects ranging from the economy to my brush with the outlaw biker gang, The Pagans . But, I’m going thru one of those “wandering mind” periods. During my “brainquakes”, I tend to be all over the place and not be able to keep to the topic. Yes, I know that some of you are saying, “You always go all over the place in your posts.”

Tis true….but sometimes, it is much worse than the normal cerebral traveling that I do. And, this is one of those times.

So, I am taking the cheat-sheet way out and posting something that I got in my email today.

Yes, again. I know! I know! I’m getting a case of the blog lazies….so sue me! All you will get it the crap that I’ve bought on clearance and at bag sales.

When my brainquake after-shocks cease, I’ll write something original. But til then…..enjoy this copied and pasted stuff that I got in my email. Hey…it was either this or more misspelled Viagra ads, Nigerian friend emails and balloon boy jokes. And, I figured that y’all seen enough of them for a while.

The Economy Is So Bad……

The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

It’s so bad, I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, “Can you afford fries with that?”

The economy is so bad that CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.

The economy is so bad if the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

The economy is so bad Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

The economy is so bad McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

The economy is so bad parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.

The economy is so bad a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

The economy is so bad Motel Six won’t leave the light on anymore.

The economy is so bad, rapper 50 Cent had to change his name to 10 Cent.

The economy is so bad that the highest-paying job in town is jury duty.

The economy is so bad I saw a man in Costco buying one roll of toilet paper.

It’s so bad, a stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

The economy is so bad, that Martha Stewart did a show on creative uses for food stamps.

Got any more?

 

…..

 

Tags: balloon boy jokes, balloon boy twitters, brainquakes, i got nothing, lazy bloggers, living life each day, Nigerian scams, old friends, rambling writing, sentimental crap, Viagra ads

Halloween….Official White Trash Holiday…..

I sure miss the way we celebrated Halloween when I was a kid. It’s just not as much fun as it use to be . We didn’t have to worry about all the PC (politically correct) crap. White people could darken their faces and go as black people. Black people could paint there faces white and so as white people. Nobody got mad. Nobody called Al Sharpton or the KKK. It was all in good fun and no one got there panties in a wad and cried “racism!”.

As I have told ya many times before (and you’re probably sick of hearing it but it’s still my damn blog), we were really poor.Over my entire childhood, I nor my sisters or brothers ever wore a store-bought Halloween costume. Nope…we’d start planning and plotting in September to find things around the house that we could wear. I can remember us dressing in some odd things. Once, one of my brothers dressed like a tree simply by going out into the surrounding woods and grabbing up some branches and leaves. ‘Bout 15 minutes out trick or treating, he had developed a rash and had to discard his “costume” piece by piece. Then there was the time that my sister dressed up like a man. She borrowed my Dad’s long johns and when we got away from our house, she put 2 tennis balls in the crotch area along with a carrot.  I was not very old and didn’t really get it….her make-shift penis and balls. I didn’t understand why some people thought her costume was really funny and others looked disgusted or shocked when they opened their doors to us.

We didn’t have to be chaperoned by our parents or any other adults then. Unlike now, we knew all of our neighbors and we were safe wandering around till close to midnight. And, people still opened their doors at that time, too. We’d each take a pillow case and we’d usually get it at least 3/4 filled with yummy candy. No stupid apples or other healthy stuff. No sirree!

Being as poor as we were, we’d make sure that we got enough candy to last us for a month or so….and that was even after we had eaten enough to give us all bellyaches on Halloween night.

Yep…I miss those days!

But,  you still don’t have to buy those cheesy store-bought costumes if you have any imagination.

Here are some suggestions for really cool homemade costumes…

CHEAP AND EASY WHITE TRASH HALLOWEEN COSTUMES USING A BOX….

If you have a wino in your family, tell them to save you a box. If not, then go to WalMart,KMart,Kroger’s, etc. Ask for an empty box that wine came in. VOILA’……you’re a box of wine

Order pizza delivered the week of Halloween and save the box….VOILA’….you’re a pizza…..

Take a box, wrap it up, stick on a box and….VOILA’…you’re a present (just don’t drink any liquid before you go out since peeing in this thing would not be easy)…..

A few more cheap and easy ideas……

Silly Costumes in a Jiffy

Here’s a list of silly costumes you can make a home. Thanks to Funny Costume Ideas!

Tic Tac Toe - Glue a container of Tic Tacs to the toe of your shoe.

Paper Shredder – Get some sheets of paper or old bills and envelopes and punch a hole in them. Then put a ribbon or rope through the hole and tie it around your neck. When someone asks what you are, shred some paper!

Quarter Pounder – Carry around some quarters and a hammer. When someone asks you what you are, pound a quarter.

Freudian Slip – Wear a slip with a sign on it that says “Freud.”

Blessing in Disguise – Put on a pair of dark sunglasses and a dark hat and wear a sash that says, “Bless You”.

Black-Eyed Pea – Paint black circle around your eye and wear a white T-shirt with a large letter “P” on it.

A Shadow – Dress all in black and paint your face black, and then follow your friend, date or spouse around the Halloween party.

Buccaneer – Hang a dollar from each ear.

Babysitter – Strap a doll to your rear-end and sit on it.

Identity Crisis – Wear any color shirt and stick name tags, each with a different name, on the shirt.

Now, isn’t that easy? And, cheap!!!!

OK…It’s time to DECORATE! And, y’all know that one of my very favorite items to use for cheap and easy decorations for every holiday including Halloween is TAMPONS!

Here is a really great idea to make your house look great enough to be featured in “O” magazine or even Martha Stewart’s show….

This craft needs no instructions. Use the picture as a guideline but use your own imagination and start craftin’

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!!

Tags: cheapskate Halloween, ghosts, Halloween, home made costumes, tampon crafts, Trick or Treat, white trash Halloween costumes, white trash Halloween decorations

Too Old For Halloween….

You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when:



10. You get winded from knocking on the door.  

 9.  You have to have someone else chew the candy for you.  

8.You ask for high fiber candy only.

  7.  When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and

fall over.    
6.  People say: “Great Boris Karloff Mask,” and you’re not wearing a ask.  . 
5.  When the door opens you yell, “Trick Or .”  and can’t remember the

rest.

4.  By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders. 

3.  You have to carefully choose a costume that won’t dislodge your  hairpiece.

2.  You’re the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker. 

And the number one reason Seniors should not go Trick Or Treating…

*

*

*

1.  You keep having to go home to pee!

 

 

I have a feeling that the seniors in the following video do not apply to any

of those rules…..

 

 

 

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tags: 10 reasons why old people should not trick or treat, costumes for old people, elderly tirck or treaters, old people trick or treating, Richard Simmons, senior citizen dance, senior Halloween, senior joke, when are you too old to trick or trreat

80 Year Old Weiner….EWWWW!

Thursday, I went for my yearly boobogram. Ugh! Although, this one wasn’t too awful. Last year, the woman squeezed by boobs so hard that I actually had tears running down my face. Women will know what I am talking about when I say that she managed to get that loose skin right between your boob and your armpit clamped down between the glasses. I think she may have been a dominatrix in her spare time. Only the leather outfit and whip were missing. Painful, to say the least. This year, I tried some redneck marathon boobogram training and I think it helped.

 

 

 

This picture, also, reminds me of one of my Mother’s favorite sayings, “I ain’t laughed so hard so my Mom got her tit caught in the washing machine.” Kinda sad that younger people won’t have a clue what that means. People under 45 or so have most likely never seen a wringer washing machine and sure the heck have never used one.

I did this one every day for the last 3 weeks, too….. It toughened up my boobs really good!

I heard on the news that “Shaft” aka Richard Roundtree  fought and won a battle with breast cancer. But then, he always was a “bad mother…shut your mouth!” Hopefully, this will make men not be afraid of not being macho if they go and have a breast exam. Listen, guys, if Shaft can get breast cancer, anybody can.

(10-28-09 editing to add….saw on the news this morning that the drummer from Kiss, Peter Criss, also, fought breast cancer.)

Check out Jesse Jackson in this video! LMAO

 

 

  

H1N1 (swine flu) really hit home at the  place. About half of the people were wearing mask and the first questions that the registration lady asked me was if I had been around anybody with swine flu. I was surprised and pleased to see the precautions being taken. Some illiterate white trash around here think that “Purell” is something that your wife/husband/kids put you through on a daily basis….”pure ‘ell”. The swine flu vaccine is not available to the general public here. Well, I think it’s not available in many places.

Anyway……Ichecked in and was told to go sit in the waiting room and someone would call my name and register me. The waiting room only  had about 5 people in it. Three were wearing masks and looking at the two of us that didn’t have a mask on with disgust in their eyes. Maybe, their whole faces looked disgusted but all I could see was thier eyes. I noticed that they sat as far away from me and the other woman as possible. I don’t blame them really. Lots of people are becoming really paranoid about the H1N1 virus. So, in order to put them as ease, I decided to go and hunt down a mask but my name was called before I could  find one.   lead down the hall to the X-Ray department to another waiting room.

I had to go pee really bad. I was afraid they’d call me if I went. But, finally, I just had to go!  I went down the hall in search of a rest room. I spotted 2 and went to the first one. Someone was in that one. I went to the next one and somebody was in that one. So, I went back to the first (since it was closest to the x-ray dept. and waited). Noises began coming from behind the locked door. It was a sound of something bumping the door. BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!  By then, I really had to pee. Serious urination time! Just as I was getting ready to hunt down a third bathroom, the door behind #1 opened a couple of inches. I could see a man in a wheel chair was stuck in there. He was cursing a blue streak, using words that my Mama would wash out my mouth with soap for saying. I started to walk off with the urging of the little devil on my right shoulder. But, the little angel on my right shoulder was telling me to help him. I’ve always had a soft spot for elderly people. I looked around for hospital staff to help him but saw no one. So, I figured that I’d do my good deed for the day and rescue him. I went to the door and told him to try to move away from the door a few inches so that I could come in and  help him. I squeezed myself in the bathroom with him and his wheel chair. Now, folks, this was one of those one-holers (a bathroom with one commode) and was rather small. The man, his wheelchair, and myself were really crammed in that little rest room. I told him to put his feet up so that I could move his chair around but soon realized that he couldn’t move his feet by himself. So, being the good Samaritan, I bent down to lift his foot up on the foot rest. And, then the other foot. On the second foot, I realized that the man had no pants on. He only had a sheet spread across his lap. This presented his bare ass just inches from my face. That’s the closest that I’ve ever been to an old man’s ass and I did not relish it.

So, picture this….here we were….me turning the old man (and his nekkid ass) in his wheel chair inch by inch until I finally got him turned around facing the door. All the while, he is cussing and complaining. I believe that he thought that I worked there. Then I had to roll the wheelchair back as far as I could (which was just about a foot) in order to open the door. Meanwhile, I am wondering if they have called me for my mammogram and what am I going to do if they did and I didn’t answer. Would this put other boobs in line in front of my boobs? Would they think that I had left? Holy crapola…how do I get into these messes?????

Finally, I get the door opened and get the old man and his chair (and his nekkid ass) out of the bathroom and into the hall. And, I really have to pee so bad that I feel like I am going to burst and flood the hallway. So, I turn to go back into the bathroom when the old man starts telling me rather loudly that HE IS COLD!

“I’m cold! What’s the matter with you people? I can’t sit here and be cold! I’m cold!”…that’s what he was saying.

So, I decide to try to hold out and not pee all over the place and tell him that I will go find him a blanket. Still, no one anywhere as far as the eye could see up or down the hallway for me to get to help him.

“I have a blanket.”….he said. And,  he did…..the one spread across his lap.

What to do? I had already seen his old man ass and really did not want to see his old man pecker.

I saw that I had no choice and grabbed the blanket from his lap while trying to avert my eyes from his wrinkled (I image, didn’t see it) lil’ pal. I wrapped the blanket around his shoulders and pulled it far enough down to cover his butt. I brought the ends around to the front and told him to hold on to them. Meanwhile, he is still cussing me.

And, I can still hear him complaining as I go into the rest room and finally get to pee. It was one of those times when you have held it so long that it won’t come as first. When it did, I felt soooo much better.

I washed my hands (don’t forget to wash your hands) and peeked out the door. The old man was still sitting there. Thank goodness that I had moved him down from in front of the door. I snuck out of the bathroom as quietly as possible, not wanting to be spotted by the old codger again.

I made my way back to the X-Ray dept. and apparently, God was watching and rewarded me with my name being called just as I started to sit down.

I was soooo glad when all that was over with. I couldn’t wait to go home and just relax and try to get the picture of old dude buttocks out of my head. And, I thank God that I was able to avert seeing his wrinkled (I imagine…didn’t see!) wiener.

I pulled up to my house to a very strange and weird site. The goats were back! And, TPKen was chasing them around the house. I started to laugh and soon was laughing so hard that tears were running down my face. I got myself composed, opened my car door, and got out. This was just in time to see the goats leading TPK on an all out cartoon-type chase around the house. TPK was pissed! He ran in the house and got his gun. This worried me. Not that he would shoot a goat because he can’t hit the broadside of a barn. I was afraid that he would shoot something that would make the bullet ricochet and hit him or the windows.  He ran around to the back of the house where the goats were casually grazing on the roof of our dog house. I heard some shots and was going to find the phone to dial 9-1-1. ‘Bout that time, though, he came in the house.

“Did you shoot a goat?” I asked him (knowing full well that if he did, it was a miracle).

“No, I just shot up in the air to scare them away”, he said.

The next morning, they were back. He, thankfully, was at work. I like the goats. They are fun to watch even if they do chew up dog house roofs, hammocks, etc.

What a day in my WTWM (white trash with money) life. I’m glad that I have the ability to find humor in most things!

  

  

Theme From Shaft lyrics

Who's the black private dick
That's a sex machine to all the chicks?
SHAFT!
Ya damn right! 

Who is the man that would risk his neck
For his brother man?
SHAFT!
Can you dig it? 

Who's the cat that won't cop out
When there's danger all about?
SHAFT!
Right On! 

They say this cat Shaft is a bad mother
SHUT YOUR MOUTH!
I'm talkin' 'bout Shaft.
THEN WE CAN DIG IT! 

He's a complicated man
But no one understands him but his woman
JOHN SHAFT!

Tags: breast cancer, chasing goats, goats, good deed, good deeds, H1N!, Kiss drummer, male breast cancer, mammogram, naked butt, old nekkid butt, Peter Criss, Redneck Life, rescuing man from bathroom, Richard Roundtree, Shaft, stuck in the bathroom, swine flu, what a day, white trash day, white trash life

Swine Flu…Ugh!

My 8 yr old granddaughter got sick last week. Her Mom took her to a clinic to have her swabbed to see if it was swine flu. And, I hate to report this but it was. The next day, her little 4 yr old brother got sick and back to the clinic they went. He tested positive, too.

Deja’Vu…next day, their Dad got sick. Back to the clinic but he tested negative.

Thursday, TrailerParkMidge got sick and went to her doctor who swabbed her. Came back negative.

Last night, I got really ill. Temp of 102.3 which is really high for me because my temperature, when normal, is around 9 7.6. I’ve always run a little lower than what is considered average. My head hurt. My joints hurt.

All of the people who I have mentioned had almost identical symptoms. So, I am wandering if the swab test is accurate…2 tested positive and 3 tested negative. Were those false positives? Or false negatives?

It would seem a very strange coincidence that we all have the same symptoms but only two were treated with Tamiflu.

Tonight, I feel some better but still feel tired and have joint pain.

But, I can’t  end my post on a whiney note. So, for your enjoyment, I present…

THE SWINE FLU SONG

Tags: contractions in info on swine flu, H1N1, media hype, swabbing for swine flu, swine flu, swine flu is highly contagious, swine flu song, Tamiflu

Christopher Walken…Poker Face

I love Christopher Walken. He makes me laugh more than any other performer ever.

Christopher Walken Doing Lady GaGa’s Poker Face

Tags: a much needed laugh, Christopher Walken, Christopher Walken Poker Face video, Lady GaGa, Poker Face

Got A Cure For “Brain-Drain”?

I need one. I think the cobwebs are finally taking over in my gray matter. I can’t seem to get busy on writing or anything else for that matter.

There were 19 big-ass turkeys in my front field this morning. You think that I could come up with something to write about them. Maybe, later.

So, I’m taking the wuss way out again and posting something that I got in my email.

A Woman’s Poem  He didn’t like the casserole And he didn’t like my cake, He said my biscuits were too hard Not like his mother used to make.  I didn’t perk the coffee right He didn’t like the stew, I didn’t mend his socks The way his mother used to do. I pondered for an answer I was looking for a clue. Then I turned and smacked the shit out of him… Like his mother used to do.

 

 

 

Monday was TPKen’s birthday. Every year, it gets harder and harder to come up with a birthday gift for him. He’s one of those guys that goes out and buys whatever he needs or WANTS for himself. I’ve always thought that this was a selfish thing for people to do. When they know that their birthday, Christmas, etc. is fast approaching and they already have bought themselves what they want when they want it. It leaves family and friends out in the cold scratching their heads to come up with a gift idea.

So, this year, I decided that I was just not going to worry about it. He has done this for our entire marriage.

Monday evening I ran out and bought him some Levi’s, a book, and some candy.

He needed new jeans.

He didn’t like the book. How convenient it was for me that it was one that I had been wanting to read. “snicker”

He didn’t like the candy. Can you believe it that it just happened to be one of my favorites. “snicker snicker”

I’m on to something here. I can’t wait for Christmas!!!!

Tags: a women's poem, brain drain, buying gifts, Christmas, loving hubby's birthday presents, selfish people, what will I do next, wild turkeys

Christmas With A Capital “C”

Hi Friends and Fellow Bloggers!

I haven’t been around much lately. It seems that I am infected from head to butt. I’ve been feeling crappy lately. I finally went to an Urgent Care Clinic to get the scoop on the poop (which has been a lot).

I’m apparently eaten up with infection in almost every hole, pouch, and pocket in my body.

Here’s the list….

I’ve got bronchitis…AGAIN!

I’ve got an infected tooth. Still waiting for the referral from my dentist to a periodontist.

Last but not least….I have Diverticulitis  which .is swelling (inflammation) of an abnormal pouch
(diverticulum) in the intestinal wall.

I’m taking 2 antibiotics, cough syrup, and using an inhaler. I’m a mess. And, I have so many things that I need to do. If you pray, say one for me.

I have no energy so once again, I am taking the easy way out and posting a youtube video about Christmas. It’s not sleek and professional but has a great message about Christmas. I hope you will take time to listen to it.

As for me….back to laying on the sofa that close to the bathroom.

Hopefully, I’ll be back to normal by Christmas!

Tags: blogging, bronchitis, Christmas video, diverticulitis, fatigue, feeling crappy, infected teeth

Block, Punch…..What’s That Smell?

My daughters have gone exercise crazy. Seriously. From the standard YMCA fitness machines to the latest craze, Zumba, they have embraced it all with more zealous than Sean Penn has for Hugo Chavez.

And, of course, they want to drag me along. So far, I have managed to resist (mostly by hiding in the closet or not answering my telephone when they call). It’s not that I don’t want to be fit. I do! I really do! And, when they find me a class that offers HD TV and Ding Dong breaks, I’m totally in and ready to squat/jump/shake my booty/etc. Until then, my plan is to stick with the Sit and Be Fit Class on PBS. SABF is the only enjoyable exercise routine that I have found so far. It takes only a few minutes and I can participate while sitting on my butt on my overstuffed couch with my Diet Coke, cigs, and Kroger’s Red Velvet cake on a nearby table.

It’s not that I have never joined a group of  obese overly enthusiastic  people women with good intentions of dropping that last ten pounds of baby weight (OK….what if my youngest child is of voting and drinking age?) and fit into a pair of sleek, tight Baby Phat (haha..I made a pun) jeans. I have done my share of jumping jacks, rolling on off around on an exercise ball, and yoga stretches. I use to be one hellova hot and fit mama. These days, though, I’m fairly satisfied to be a luke-warm earth mother. And, who wants an earth mother whose ribs stab ya when you lay your head on their bosom for comfort? I mean…COME ON!…it’s my turn to be the fat-but-jolly friend/sister/mother/neighbor/etc. I’ve served my time in front of  86 lb instructors with long blonde hair held in place by a fashionable sweatband and names like Rain or JuJu.

TrailerParkSkipper has joined a kick-boxing class and keeps urging me to join her. Hmmm….NO!

I’ve actually taken kickboxing classes. Brutal. Inhumane. And, stinky. Never in my entire life have I experienced so  many gassy women. Yes, you read that right. Gassy as in farting. There has to be something about hitting a bag with all your might and then instantaneously turning 180 degrees to kick the same bag that releases foul hiney odor. Whatever the cause, it manifested itself while doing the kick-boxing stretch warm-ups and cool-downs, too.

I remember, vividly, my first class. I went with TrailerParkMidge who was just starting junior high. We took our places on the floor. I looked to the left of me and saw a woman who looked very much like Paris Hilton. I turned to the right and lo and behold, there was a Kate Moss look-a-like. I wondered how long they had been in the class and how much time it would take me to resemble them. Actually,to be real about it, I wondered how many kick s and punches it would take me to look like a much larger version of them.

Those bitches! Skinny and lithe! With their sleek black leotards, pink sweat shorts, and oh-so-carefully- applied hint of pink lip gloss.  I hated them. I loathed them….until they started FARTING! 

“poooooot” “pfsssst” “fffffftttttt”

OMG….Kate and Paris were regular pootie-tooties!

At that minute, I felt happier than I had in a long time. With every turn-and-kick, “Paris” made pootie sounds. And, “Kate” was emitting the kind of sounds that 10 year old boys make blowing on their arms during detention to amuse their fellow detainees. Week after week, the Farting Duet made kickboxing bearable for me. They both smelled like rotten poultry and I may have been sweating like a ho’ in church but at least, I was not gassing everyone around me. I think it was their diet of bean sprouts and carrot juice that turned their butts into a heavenly choir of poots and toots.

“rooty-toot-toot”

One week, the bulimic butt singers didn’t show up for class. Then, the next week, they were absent, too. I inquired about their absence and the instructor told me that neither had renewed their kickboxing fees. So, I quit, too.

Hmmm…..maybe, I’ll have TPSkipper check for squealy participants in her class. If she reports that there are some in attendance, I might just join! Afterall, I do still have my gloves.

Tags: exercise, farting, Kate Moss, kickboxing, life is strange sometimes, Paris Hilton, pooting, sit and be fit, skinny bitch, tooting, zumba

The Price of Shaniya…..

Regular readers (I’m up to around 1o now) know that I normally write about the crazy things that go on with my insane life. And, I came here intended to write, once again, about the mishaps and weird things that seem to always take place around me. But, I just cannot do it this time. My heart is breaking. My cheeks are wet from tears. There is no zany commentary this day.  Right now, nothing is funny. This day, there is nothing but sadness in my heart.

 R.I.P. little Shaniya Davis

How could she (Antoinette Davis) does such a horrendous, cruel, and inhumane thing? I have two daughters, one grand-daughter, and a grandson. I would give my life for them.

How much, Antoinette Davis, did you get for your beautiful, innocent little girl? Who set the price?  Did you have to barter? Did you have to counter offer?Was the amount worth the life of your innocent child? Do you regret selling your child? Or, getting caught selling your little girl?  Can you sleep without her appearing in your dreams?  But, most of all, how and why could you do this?  I am thanking God that you are locked up and will not be able to command a price for the unborn child that you are now carrying.

Does anybody out there understand how she could do this?

Andrette McNeil, the accused purchaser, deserves to rot in hell. How much did you pay for that innocent little girl, McNeil? It couldn’t have been much from the looks of you on the video. How many other children have you bought or attempted to buy? You are a monster. I hope that Shaniya haunts you every night for the rest of your life in your dreams.

I just don’t understand how any mother could do this. I just cannot wrap my mind around this deed.

This day, my thoughts and prayers are with Bradley Lockhart…little Shaniya’s father. I will be praying for you, Mr. Lockhart.

editing to add….kudos to the motel employee that spotted McNeil carrying Shaniya. So many times these days, people turn their heads and go about their business. That’s one more thing that I just don’t get.

Tags: 5 year old sold by mother, Andrette McNeil, Antoinette Davis, Bradley Lockhart, child prostitution, sad day, Shaniya, Shaniya Davis, the price of a life

Here’s Your Chance to Tell Me….

There are days when I cannot think of a single thing to write. It’s not that my life has become stagnent or boring. Never! But, my brain will not release the thoughts and holds out on the signal to make my fingers work the keyboard.

Yesterday was not one of those days, however. Thoughts were rapid firing like redneck hunters during deer season (which starts next week for guns…”note to self”…do not wear anything that has even the minute resemblence to antlers). It’s customary here for Black Friday to lower the checkered flag for Christmas shopping for the ladies and deer hunting* (see footnote at bottom) for the high testosteronedsex. Which, by the way, does not mean just the guys. No sirree…no bias ’round here. Y’all will see about as many femullets as mullets in the woods.

So, I’ve decided to let you, dear reader, choose my topic. Here is my plain, unedited list of weird, bizzarre, and maybe, downright disturbing topics. These are on a white, lined notebook right here beside my computer. Eventually, I’ll write about them all. But, you decide for me this time.

I just realized that my dentist’ name rhymes with Dr. Fucky.

Sweet Child Of Mine video that I am perfecting (starring me dressed as Axl Rose) for TPSkipper and TPMidge for Christmas. I started on it yesterday and got the giggles so bad that I just couldn’t finish it.

Bullet earrings and L L Bean

My friend gained 100 pounds in order to qualify for gastric bypass surgery.

New words that I have learned.

“Hey, looky here. I got me a squirrel right thru the eyeball!”

“Feels like the first day of squirrel season”

nasty dreams about Jon Bonjiovi

So…what will it be? And, if you lazy-ass biotches and baiostards don’t help me out, maybe, I’ll just write a post about….

PEOPLE WHO READ BUT NEVER COMMENT…..i’m just sayin’

*hunting season….a whole week away with the guys/girls. 3 hours of sitting in tree stands in subzero weather.  165 hours of sitting around with the guys/gals….spitting, farting, telling lies, and drinking suds.

Tags: Black Friday, BonJovi, bullet-hole earrings, femullets, gastric bypass surgery, hunting season, L L Bean, make your own Guns and Roses Christmas video, my dentist' name rhymes with a nasty word, nasty dreams, new words, people who don't comment, Redneck Life, redneck woman, squirrel season, white trash gifts, WV deer hunting season, WV deer season

I Thought That I Should Keep You Informed….

I have not forgotten about your votes. And, I have notes on all of them and many more.

I have been  busy making more notes. I’ve had a flow of creative juices (aka Red Bull and the manic stage of BP).

And, I am so mad at my myself.

Ya see…1  1/2 year ago, I began sponsoring two little kids in Malawi. One girl who is 8 and 1 little boy who is 3 1/2. I felt so good when I signed up and new that I was doing a good thing.

Went out and bought postcards of all the seasons where I live. Wrote them letters. Put some stickers and kid tattoos in them. Also, some pics of my family.

I couldn’t wait to hear from my little kids.

So, I waited one month. Then, I waited 2 months, 3 months!

Four months went by with narry a word of correspondence. I was not expecting a lot of letters but I wasn’t expected something….how ’bout a mud painting…not even a real one. They could go out in the bush and get big-ass leaf or something.

But, nothing. And, I hate to admit this but I was becoming very upset. Not only was I not getting correspondence from my kids, I was being flooded with pleas from the organization at least 4 times weekly. Help Lonjo’s family. They are starving. Help this poor widow. She as nothing. And, it’s not that I didn’t believe it, it was getting pretty tired of opening envelopes and having pictures of kids with flies around them, old grannies who needed a new thatch floor, etc. These pictures would make me sad. I would feel like a big-ass Scrooge not answering the outpouring of “gimmees”.And, what proof did I have that the kids even really existed? NONE

SO,yesterday I fired off a letter to Vorld Wison (don’t wanna get sued) and demanded that they remove me from their list. I told them that I gave money to my 2 kids there but I , also, give to people in my own area. I told them if they would quit hounding the donors that they have, people might stayed singed up

THey wrote me back and after a long, heart-wrenching explanation of why I get so much request for money, they promised to remove me.

Frankly, I thought I would be allowed to be more interactive with my 2 kids when I signed up. I had, already, seen them in  my head dressed up in new Ralph Loren shorts and T’s. And, maybe some Limited Too. But, that wasn’t allowed.

So, yesterday, I receive a letter from my little boy. It is the second pic that I have ever received of him. In the first pic, he is sorta skinny and doesn’t look happen.  In this pic, he has little round belly and is smiling .His letter informed me:

A few facts for you aboutAlfred(that is his name)

fav subject….chichewa…if anyone reading speaks the language of Malawi, please translate for me

fav food….nsima $ eggs

my health status….fine, because of the deworming that you paid for

your money has brought my family…mosquito net, maize flour, and goat

during free time, i like…..running

I feel so guilty. Will he get worms back if I don’t send money? Will he lose his goat?

Sheesh….the thought of Alfred getting worms back and shaking his fist to the sky and cursing that American woman is just too much to take.

So, I’m a sucker….I’m trying to get him back!

Tags: charity, charityorganizations, deworrming, donating, guilt, life in Malawi, shamed into giving money

The Christmas Mullet….A Non- Heartwarming Story

First, let me apologize again to those who voted in my informal poll….what to write about next. I haven’t forgotten. But, I have found over the years, that my bipolar brain tends to latch on to and wrap itself around a (or several) random thought.  It then hooks up with the OCD part of my brain. This result of that is like being poked in the hiney with a cattle prod welded by a famous person = the thoughts are not always fun or pleasant but you have this insane urge to tell everyone.

So, strap yourself in and hang on for the ride. Hopefully, I’ll be able to wander too far off the subject. No promises, though.

For some crazy reason, around this time of year (for several years), I have decided that I can cut my hair better than my hairdresser. I think to myself….it couldn’t be that hard to trim my own hair . Think of the money and time that I can save!  This idea ranks right up there with the famous redneck last words…”Hey watch this!”

  My reasonable self says, “No! Don’tdoitdon’tdoitdon’tdoitdon’tdoit!” But, around the holidays, I never listen to my reasonable self which could explain the boxes that TPKen just got out of the attic. They were labeled “Christmas decorations”, but were, in fact, filled with clearance Christmas crap that even Goodwill would not accept. Broken ornaments that I just knew I could fix with a little Super Glue ( I do love my SG). Hallmark ornaments dated  2008 for First Born, Our New Home, #1 Teacher, etc. Now if I could just find someone who had a baby in 2007-2008 who wants a cradle with a rocker broken off ornament or prehaps, a kid who forgot to give their teacher a gift last year or the year before that or a couple who just never got around to purchasing an ornament after they closed their house loan last year…..

I digress, as usual. Back to my Chrismullet. I’m very good at cutting my own hair….on the top and sides. Then, I look in a double mirror at the back and realize that I have a haircut that could pass for a Joe Dirt extra. So, I try to fix it. And, I look in the mirror and think…”Hmm, it’s not that bad, except for the uneven layers. No problem! This will be a piece of cake”.

clip, clip, clip…there. That should do it. Except, I can see in the mirror that one side in the back is about 1/2 to 1 inch (depending on which layer) longer/shorter than the other side. So, thus begins my traditional “fixing of the hair”.  The traditional hair fixing is always accompanied by my very own original  holiday carol (which even I am too ashamed to post due to the the fact that the entire song is nothing more than a series of cuss words sung to the tune of Jingle Bells).

Over the next 8-10 days, I spend a few hours (broken up in to 10-15 minute increments) in the bathroom cutting “stray hairs.”

At this time, a reasonable woman would throw up her hands and go get it cut professionally. Notice, I said “a reasonable woman”.

I don’t give up that easily.

By day 11 or 12, I realized that I am seriously in need of a real hairdressers help….or a hat. I, of course, go for the hats. Hats are easier than having to explain to a hairdresser why my hair looks like it was caught in a wood chipper. Especially, since my personal hairdresser has had to fix my haircuts on several occasions before this one.

By this time, I am sporting my own creation…..the Chrismullet.

I shouldn’t be allowed to own scissors.  Not even those kid’s safety scissors.

Hmmm….”wondering if I can start a Chrismullet holiday style”.

In the meantime, I’ll just bookmark these sites…..Surviving A Bad Haircut and Accessorize It! and wear a fun hat…..

editing to add a Christmas treat for my blogging friends and readers. ENJOY! And, laugh….this has to put you in a good mood!

 

Tags: bipolar stories. ocd writing, broken ornaments, Chrismullet, femullets, funny hat, hairdressers, holiday stress, home haircuts, o night devine, redenck haircut, sock monkey hat, surviving a bad haircut, white trash hair style, wore rendtition ever O Holy Night

My Classy, Sassy, and A Little White Trashy Christmas Tree….

When did theme trees become so darn “in”. I remember when I was very young, my family’s “theme” was whatever we could make with crayons, paper, and homemade paste (water and flour). We were poor. I’m talking embarrassingly poor. We were the kids that you prayed didn’t get your name when the class drew names for Christmas gifts (something that is not done any longer).  It never occurred to my Mom that anything such thing as a “theme tree” even existed.

I suppose we did have a theme tree of sorts….homemade ornaments and holly berry clippings. We made rows and rows of construction paper rings like those in the pic above. Our tree would be sooo full of them that we got scared everytime my Dad or Mom got too close to them with a ciggie. We were afraid that they’d actually hit one with a lighted cig and are tree would burn to the ground. We made so many of those construction paper linked ropes that we’d decorate the door frames, the windows, and anywhere else that my Mom would allow.

 And, I still don’t know how she managed it, but my Mom had managed to come up with a few strands of bubble lights. How I loved those I bubble lights!!!! I actually have severl strings of them now. Plus, two bubble nite lights. They are so relaxing to watch.I bubble lights!!!!

After I ascended to white trash with money throne (from WT without money), I had the resources to do any theme tree that I wanted to do. And, I made up for lost time with store-bought ornaments and all the other holiday decorations!

While TPSkipper and TPMidge were still little, I did the “balls and tinsel” theme. Plus, their homemade ornaments were always displayed right at the front of the tree.

After Skipper and Midge got older, I dared venture into the world of theme trees.

One year, I did my crystal tree. All ornaments were clear crystal. White lights lit up the crystal pieces. It could have almost rivaled several hoity-toity Buckingham Palace trees, or maybe,even the White Houe. I must say that it was gorgeous.  but a little too uppity for my white trash taste.

A couple of years ago, I did my maroon tree. Maroon balls, maroon ribbons, and white lights. Pretty…but it didn’t really do anything for me.

This year is the BEST THEME ever!  Ya see…..I got down all of my boxes of decorations. I love tree decorations and have been buying ornaments every year for around 28 years. I took them each out of their little boxes and looked at them. That’s when I knew that I had to put them on my tree this year.  ALL OF THEM! Who was gonna complain? The big-ass turkeys? The wandering goats? TPKen?  TPKen wouldn’t care if I hung buck racks or possum guts and proclaimed them to be “A Hunter’s Theme” deco. Seriously, I could hang big-ass bloomers or garage rags and he wouldn’t even notice.

In the first box were my beloved character ornaments. Lucy, Ethel, Mr. Potato Head, Elvis, and  so many more.

In the next box, were my  frosted white blown glass ornaments. They are so classy and delicate.

The next box held snowflakes of different sizes and colors. Love those, too.

Time to decide which to use this year. Then, I decided WTH…..I’ll put them all on the tree. And, I did.

Now, I will unveil to you (all seven regular readers) before letting anyone else see this masterpiece.

Presenting pictures of my Classy, Sassy, and a Little White Trashy Tree…..

Elvis standing hanging next to a European hand-blown crystal ornament bigger than he is. And, Elvis actually sings when you push his button! Notice Lucy trying to blend into the background. She’s afraid that Big E might hit on her….or ask her for some pharmaceuticals.

Santa Duck seems perplexed by the rather large handblown glass globe! And, I do believe that he crapped a large snowflake.

I’ll bet Lucy and Ethel are surprised to find themselves out of the candy factory and floating among expensive glass orbs!

I think Mr. Tator Head has been blinded by all the white lights around him!

No! Mr. Handyman….don’t use your chainsaw on that expensive glob o’ glass!

Slow down, Charlie Brown! That’s not that Dollar Store ornament that you were beside of last year!

 Who’s knocking on the door of the great WOZ? Maybe, they are  just trying to escape the big-ass berries!

 

Oh nooooo! Watch out, Mr. Sock Monkey and Mr. Orange Gumdrop. Little Miss Fancy Pants European artisan ornament is about to do a Tiger Woods on you! 

Last but, certainly, not least…..what self-respecting White Trash tree would be complete with The Christmas Leg?  But, it looks like Miss Fancy Department 57 Christmas Fairy would rather not be seen with Lamp Leg and has turned her back on it.

 So, this year’s theme tree ended up being “Sassy, Classy, and A Little White Trashy” AND, I LOVE IT!!!!

BTW…a big thanks to TPMidge for the title of the post and the tree. It came about when she did a quiz about me and described me as sassy, classy, and a little white trashy. XOXOXOXOXO to TPM! What would I do without her? And, this is why a saved a special spot for my TPMidge at 3 months old ornament……

Tags: bubble lights, Charlie Brown ornament, Christmas ornaments, hand blown Christmas ornaments, handyman Christmas, Lucy and Ethel Christmas ornament, redneck Christmas tree, theme Christmas trees, white trash Christmas tree

Praying for Tiger……

 

This is from someecards. Great site with really funny cards on today’s topics.

Tags: Elin Woods, Holidays, Rachel Uchitel, Tiger Woods, Tiger's alleged affair

White Trash Gift Idea #3…..

 

I’ve been rather remiss this year on helping y’all out with the gifts for the white trash/redneck women on your Christmas list. I apologize for that. Today, I scoured the internet for a gift suggestion. This scarf from the Ho’Fo’Sho’ collection is perfect for the small breasted or older white trash woman that you are buying a present for this Christmas. And, guys, if your white trash lady is counting on a boob job this year and you just don’t have the cash, buy her a couple of these fantastic and realistic looking boob scarves. I guar-o-damn-tee you that she’ll be immensely grateful!  I’ll bet she will run right out and buy you that pecker-stretcher that you’ve had your eye on for a while.

 I liked it so much that I’ve ordered several!

 

Do you sit unnoticed on the sidelines while others are picked?
Try the latest scarf fashion and you too will be the center of attention……………….     

Tags: boob job, boob scarf, Ho'Fo'Sho', pecker-stretcher, redneck woman Christmas ideas, white trash Christmas gift

White Trash Christmas Gift Suggestion #4…..

 I was cleaning out some of my hotmail stuff and found this in my drafts. While reading it, I got so tickled that I almost peed my pants (again). I wrote a post a while back about The Mighty White Hunter’s Boar Hunting trip but had forgotten many of the following details. I just had to share this even if it only makes one person laugh.

A couple of years ago at  Christmas, I couldn’t come up with a present for TPKen aka The Mighty White Hunter. I happened across this wonderful guy on eBay who was auctioning off a song. He would put your poem, thoughts, whatever to music. In my case, I sent him the following story and he put it to words and music. If anyone is stumped for a gift this year, I suggest that you contact  David Dubowski at easyorders.com. He is really good at this and his prices are very, very reasonable. 

 Men can be so silly sometimes!

My dear husband decided to go boar hunting with my son-in-law. My SIL had made reservations at a game hunting what-ever-you-call-it place. It cost 100 bucks each just to reserve a spot. Then, they had to pay more if they shot a boar. I was told that it would be 100 bucks a boar. So, I thought, “What the hell. It’s worth a hundred bucks to get him out of my hair all day Saturday.” And, since he had NEVER been hunting in his entire life, I figured his chances of shooting anything but his own foot was pretty slim.

So, at 4 am this morning, I am awaken by DH (aka Mighty White Hunter)  who is getting ready for his big manly, hunting trip. He never has consideration for things like he might awaken me. Instead of trying to be quite and let me sleep, he makes more noise than a crowd cheering at a special Olympics. He finally left but by then I was wide awake. I had a productive day and got quite a few things done while TMWH was out in the wilderness slaying wild beast. “snicker snicker”.

In fact, I have worked so hard that I needed a good, long nap. However,the gods are not smiling on me favorably today at all. I lay down around 6:30 to see if I could sneak in a quick nap. At 6:40, I hear the door open and “ye great, mighty white hunter” had returned from slaying the beasts.

Now, I had been told by my SIL aka G.I.Joe, that the rate of boar kill around here was extremely low. So, considering that and the fact that DH has NEVER gone hunting before, I was ready to hear him complaining about stomping around the woods in the rain all day. But, instead, he was in an unusually good mood. Ye brave and mighty warrior had killed TWO boars. So, OK……$300 bucks….or so I thought.
I ask him where the swine were and he said that he had dropped them off at a butcher shop on the way home. So, I asked him how much that was going to cost and he said $50 an animal. Now the total is up to $400.00, or so I thought.

Upon further questioning, I learned that the cost of each boar was actually $350.00….a total of $700.00. Mighty White Hunter was not forthcoming and truthful with me. I heard this fact from TPSkipper who was furious with G.I.Joe over his boar experience cost. Dont’cha think it’s kinda funny that MWH will go hunt down ferocious wild animals but is afraid to tell his little ol’ redneck wife how much he spent?

Seven hundred bucks plus the reserve fee plus the butcher comes to…..hmmmm…..holy friggin’ moly……$900!!!!!!!!

AND, it turns out that we are the proud owners of THREE HUNDRED POUNDS OF BOAR MEAT!!!!! Here, you are probably think….no big deal…..freeze it. Right?
But, here’s the kicker, MWH aka TPKen doesn’t eat pork and I refuse to eat any meat that doesn’t come from the grocery store already packed in plastic and stamped with the price per pound on it.

So, WHAT THE HELL am I gonna do with three hundred pounds of wild pig meat???????????????????????????????? Merry Christmas to all my friends and family. Be looking for the UPS truck to deliver you a freeze dried package of wild pig. Hoping my in-laws are gonna enjoy their present openings on Christmas eve. It’s WILD BOAR for all this year.

I’m just wondering if boar penis will sell on ebay. Maybe, I can find a pattern for boar testicle wallets or sumptin’?

I wonder if I can make it taste like chicken?

NOW…FOR THE REST OF THE STORY……

OMG!!!! I am so seriously LMAO!!!!! I’m gonna PMP soon. What I just found out is almost worth all that money.

Here’s the low-down…..the real story of mighty Appolo or Sachmo or whoever is the god of hunt.

Seems that MH’s first boar kill was a comical spectacle.

Before, I tell ya what happened, I want to describe how MH looked this morning when he left. Big, black cowboy hat. Gun in holster around waist. Rifle in hand.
Like a cross between the Marlboro Man and Billy Crystal on City Slickers. Bear in mind that this is a man who won’t even wear T-shirts…….Ralph Lauren button-up shirts all the way.

So, he’s out in the “wild” aka “controlled hunting reserve” (omg, that’s funnier than I can describe with mere human words) and a boar comes running out. Brokeback Plowboy readys his rifle. He aims and fires for a kill. He hits the boar in one of it’s hind legs. Only injured, the boar keeps running……AT HIM. He pulls his gun from the waist holster and shoots again. He hits the boar in a front leg. Now, the poor boar is in a shit-load of pain and…..still coming straight at him. “serious laugh tears are running down my face”

Now, the boar is upon him and makes a run for it…….right between MWH’s legs.
MWH has a serious problem here. He’s about to get rammed in the family jewels by an angry swine. So, he does the only manly thing possible….he aims and shoots the boar. IN THE ASS!!!!! Did you hear me….IN THE ASS!!!!!!

So, now, not only do I have 300 pounds of unwanted meat, I know it got killed with an ASS SHOT!!!!!!!

It’s almost worth all that money just to tell this story of Appolo, the MightyWhite Hunting ass-shooter!!!!!

Late breaking news……..add 500 bucks to the total of the Mighty Kill. MWH  is having the one of the boar heads mounted. But, I figure that I can make the best of this by dressing it up for different holidays. Anybody got a Santa hat that will fit a boar?

 

I am still LMAO. I snuck his jeans out of the dirty clothes. Look at the right lower leg. That big stain is boar blood. That pig literally ran between his legs. (*Note added 12-3-09…I had a pic of the Levi’s in the original letter to David, the song composer, but my photobucket account is no longer active and I could not get the picture to post now).

If I turned them over, I could probably get picture of a stain of sumptin’ else where he probably about shit  himself when a long toothed wild boar came running at his family jewels.

“can’t breathe”

And, he really shot it in the ass. I thought there was a possibility that it might have been the hindquarters. But, he admitted to me that he actually shot it right up the bunghole!!!! As it was going between his legs, he bent over and shot it!!! I have not laughed this hard in a long time. Of course, I think that it’s a lot funnier than he does.

I would give anything for a video of that. My SIL and another guy took some pics with their camera phones. I’ve just gotta get ahold of some of them. And I will post them here. My SIL said that he and his friend were about to die laughing.

 

Here is the song that Dave composed and uploaded to youtube about my “Mighty White Hunter”.

 

Tags: a gift for the man who has everything, boar hunting, David Dubowski, how to shoot a boar, mighty white hunter, Original Crazy Dave, original song composing, redneck Christmas present, redneck song, white trash Christmas gift

White Trash Gift Idea #5….

  Toothless Woman On Jerry Springer Show 12-04-09

Be sure and look for this chick on the link above……

I spent quite a bit of time on the net this evening trying to find an URL for this video so that I could put the video in the post. But, I had no luck with it.  This show was, of course, about “Messy Affairs”. I was cooking supper and not really watching the show but the following quote caught my attention…..

“I was in a hurry to get to the Jerry Springer show. That’s why I forgot my teeth at home….THANK YOU!”……an actual quote from a Jerry Springer guest when her husband was told that he needed to buy her some teeth.

So, my white trash gift idea today is TEETH. If you have a white trash family member/friend/co-worker/etc. on your Christmas list, teeth would be a wonderful idea!

I’m feeling like I need to give you something else since I couldn’t actually embedded that video. So, I have chosen one of my favorite White Trash Videos From My Top-10 Favorite TrailerPark Video Collection. I hope you enjoy it…….

Tags: Jerry Springer, redneck/white trash Christmas songs, teeth for the toothless, white trash gift suggestions

Tired, Wired, and Damn Near Expired….

WHEW!!!!  The last month of so has not been a bed of roses nor a rose garden……..Rose Garden by Lynn Anderson

“I beg your pardon,
I never promised you a rose garden.
Along with the sunshine,
There’s gotta be a little rain sometimes.
When you take, you gotta give, so live and let live,
Or let go.
I beg your pardon,
I never promised you a rose garden.”

I’ve been sick. I’m sick of being sick. And, I’m tired. I’m sick of being sick and tired.

Divertiulous is a mean bitch. I though tit was gone but noooooo……..I’ve having to do “bathroom mapping” before I go anywhere. I was seen and treated at one of those “treat ‘em and street ‘em” clinics. I guess it’s about time to break down and find a real doctor. One that I can see on a regular basis and will, in general, treat ALL of ME instead of seeing different clinic docs for problems of the mouth, butt ,and innards. On the up side, I have always harped about being regular to my kids (who make jokes about it  now).

TPSkipper…..”I don’t feel well. I have a headach and my belly hurts”

TPMidge….”Don’t tell Mom. She’ll just tell you that you are not crapping enough!”

It’s my potty and I’ll laugh if I want to…..and I am a firm believer that if you don’t rid yourself of waste, it just lays there in your  nice warm body and rots. The rotting fume gives off gases and makes you ill…..and fart a lot.  That’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it!!!!

And, I’m so very tired. But, then, who is not during this season? This was “one of those days”. This was a day that anything that could go wrong did go wrong.

Wired? Yes, sirree! My brain feel like it is experiencing short circuiting pertaining to thoughts. Here’s what it feels like…

you are driving down an interstate and listening to radio station. The signal fades and you pick up one or two background stations. Then, either the original station clears momentarily or one of the background stations becomes the loudest and has the most clarity. I feel like I might short-circuit ’bout anytime. WATCH OUT….THERE SHE BLOWS!

Forget about the stuff above…..this is soooo much better…..got this in my email today.

If that is not extreme obsession with hair, I don’t know what is.  Can this be considered child abuse?  I think it is, what do you think?  An infant with weave, are you kidding me?
 
 
 
The mother of an infant daughter wearing her first lacefront wig writes: “It’s never too early for my baby to start looking glamorous like Beyonce!”
Mom said she had the wig custom made human hair to match her own lacefront. “I wouldn’t be caught dead without my lacefront and my baby won’t either!” she wrote.

But is that adhesive glue safe or gentle enough for the child’s baby hairs?

 

 

Gosh, I hope this is not real and has just been photoshopped!

Tags: crazy people, pooping, regular bowel movements and good health, stress, tired wired and damn near expired, wigged baby, would you do this?

White Trash Gift Idea #6…..

Here’s a gift suggestion for all of your friends and relatives who have (or are being) bullied at school, work, church, sporting events, or anywhere else.

NINJA LESSONS FROM THE BOONE CO. NINJA (FYI…Boone county borders the county that I live in here in West Virginia)

Diamond Dave and his Wonder Woman assistant teach you all the basics and get you on the road to become a full-blown Ninja….judychopping, Ninja chopping, kayrate chopping, and even how to use a regular tobaccer can as a Ninja star!

Diamond Dave is quoted on another video as saying, “Once ya go Ninja, ya never go back!”

Also, be sure and heed Dave’s warning….”This is not a game. Don’tcha be tryin’ this at home on your kids or your dog.”

Tags: Boone County WV, Diamond Dave's Ninja class, judychop, Ninja and his Wonder Woman, Ninja classes, trailerpark ninja, trailerpark self-defense course, weapon made from tobacco can, white trash gift idea, white trash karate

Couldn’t Resist….White Trash Gift #7

Every year, I go Christmas shopping for the people on my list. My list has become pretty short for the last few years. I’m tired of trying to buy something for every Tom, Dick, Harry, Mary, and Bobbysue on my list. When you try to buy for many, you end up buying a lot of cheap stuff that nobody uses. So, I rewrote my list and am only buying for my immediate family. That way, I can buy them something nice that they will really use (hopefully).

I tend to buy ME stuff, too. That’s one of the problems with shopping so much this time of year. There are really good buys in stores, in cataglogs, and on the net. Free shipping, dollars off….etc.

This year I had been able to resist purchasing all of the things that I have seen that I wanted. Until last nite……

Right now, eBay is loaded with stuff. People are wanting to make extra cash and get rid of stuff. So, I was surfing my favorite catagory….ugly mug jugs. And, I found one that I HAD TO HAVE! I’ve been on the lookout for one or two female jugs to go along with the 12 guys jugs. I really didn’t intend to buy….but….I did and here she is…..

TA DA….”drumroll please”….PRESENTING…..

Can’t wait to get her! I got her at a really good price. This guy is a new artist/potter and I think he’ll go places. These jugs can cost a fortune. I told TPSkpper and TPMidge that the jugs were an investment and would be worth lots of $$$$ one day.

Their answer…..

“So would jewelry”. “sign” I’m gonna have to smack ‘em both til their artistic thinking takes over!

Gotta run…2 appts today. One dentist…ugh!!!!

Tags: buying gifts for yourself, Christmas shopping, ugly mug jug, unusual pottery, weird jug, white trash gift idea

Christmas Shopping Finished!

Well, I finished my Christmas shopping today! YEAH!

Didn’t intend to and actually, it’s by default so don’t go to thinking that I’m organized or nothing like that.

I had a dermatologist appointment. It was 2 for 1 day! Two vials of Botox for the price of one! This was going to be my birthday treat to myself. I deserved it, dammit! I’ve had a rough year (and it was showing on my face).

I should know by now that I cannot resist something if I want it. Or, the doc presents it as a real bargain.

Doc…”We have another special on a NEW product (I’m a sucker for new products). You get a $75.00 check back in the mail! Plus, it’s priced at a holiday rate.”

She had me at “NEW”, “check back” and “holiday rate”. I didn’t stand a chance. A part of my brain ( a very tiny part) was telling me to stop and think about it. I was not intending to spend more money that I had allotted for “maintenance”. LOL It cracks me up that it’s called a maintenance procedure. Seems that once you’ve attacked and gotten rid of those pesky wrinkles (not all of them, just some), you have to do UPKEEP!

Plus, I had shelled out over hundred bucks for Latisse, the new product being touted to grow long and luscious lashes. Brooke Shields says that it works and that’s good enough for me. Actually, I had bought the Latisse before and it did grow hair (warning…be careful if you buy it to watch where you put it!)  I am eyebrow-challenged….never really had any. Most people think that this is a blessing since I don’t have to pluck but do you have any idea how much like an old ,ancient,recently dead long time in-the-ground Bette Davis you can end up looking like if you don’t draw your eyebrows on just right with an eyebrow pencil. There has been more than one (dozen or more) occasions that I would get ready to go out and happen to catch sight of my eyebrows in my car’s rearview mirror and find myself looking at “What Ever Happened To Baby Jane?”. I’d be  several miles away from home and have nothing to fix them with. And, there has been the embarrassing occasion that I drew on one eyebrow and then would get distracted by the phone ringing or something. I’d realize that I’d had totally forgotten about the other one when while having conversations with people and find them staring at my eyebrows  one eyebrow. Regular readers (yeah, I’m up to *) know that I’ve had eyebrow mishaps in the past. So, I figured…heck, I’m WHITE TRASH WITH MONEY  now so I might as well do something white trashy with it. So, Happy Birthday to me from me. I can fulfill my dream to have an actual set of eyebrows.

So, long story short….I spent much more money than I had planned to de-wrinkle, maintain, and grow hair on my face. In fact, I spent just about all of the money that I had left to finish Christmas shopping. But, I’m not really too worried. I’ve got a plan! Everyone on my Christmas list who hasn’t been bought for yet will receive a Christmas card with one of the following pictures of me getting the needle. Yes, this are indeed actual pictures of me taken today. I asked the nurse to take them with my camera that I had been carrying in my purse. Why do I carry a camera around in my purse? Because I have been trying to get pics to send to the website People Of WalMart. Dang it…everytime I try to sneak up on someone in WalMart and take a pic, I get caught!

So, without any more jabbering, here I am…..(no make-up! Y’all don’t realize how much courage this took to post. NO MAKE-UP!)

Now….the BIGGER needle…

…..and once more, the BIG-ASS needle…..

So, one of these pictures (probably the first one) will be the cover of my Christmas card/letter to my nearest and dearest.

On the inside, I will write….

“I hope this proves how much that I love you all. This hurt like hell but being the wonderful person that I am, I subjected myself to intense pain and had to overcome the fear of big-ass needles so you would be proud of me as your mother/sister/aunt/niece/nana/wife/and, or, friend. I sacrificed because you deserve it!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

PS….just wait until you see what I do for you on your birthday/anniversary/promotion/new birth/Valentine’s Day/Easter/etc. I do it because I care!”

Unfortunately, I don’t have any pictures of me this evening. But, I promise you that I look very similar to this….

Now…gotta run and find some ice packs!

Tags: big-ass needle, Botox, Christmas shopping, eyebrow mishaps, holiday shopping story, Humor, just another white trash day, Latisse, make-up mishaps, no eyebrows, Redneck Life, self sacrifice, swollen face, white trash christmas, white trash shopping, white trash with money

An Open Letter to My Daughters….

For those of you who have come here expecting tales of wackiness, silliness, white trash/redneck living, etc, today will be a disappointment for you. I don’t apologize. It’s my blog and I’ll wax philosophical if I want. Today, it is TPSkipper adn TPMidge’s turn. This is a post for them. I considered just writing this in a word document. But, I thought that the few of you who read on might actually “get it”. And, I want the whole world to know how much I love them and how proud that I am of both of them. I grew up never really knowing whether my father was proud of me. I suspect that he was but since he never actually said it, I have no way of being 100% positive. It has left me wondering at times. Was he? I wish he had told me at least once. My Mother, on the other hand, did not have a “big-word” vocabulary. But, in contrast to my dad, I never doubted for one second that because I could see the pride in her eyes. I sure miss that woman!

Yes, this is about my daughters. But, for y’all, it could be for anyone.

This, no doubt, will be an emotional post for me. I surely will have to stop every once in a while and wipe tears away. But, they are tears of love and joy….not sadness.

Dear Annie and Meg,

This is a letter for each of you. Sometimes, it’s hard to say out loud what you want to say. Or, you find yoursel f waiting for the right time to say it. The older that I get, the more emotional that I become and I cry quite easily these days. Don’t get me wrong, girls….crying is not a bad thing. Crying, actually, is good for you. So, let the tears roll when you need. Tears are healing….they let you release so many emotions. I’m not being a hypocrite saying to you, “Cry ! Cry! Let the tears roll because it’s good for you.” The simple explanation of why I don’t want to cry is…..I’m not a pretty crier. Snot runs down my face. And, worse of all, I am hard to understand with all the blubbering. Now, don’t get me wrong here. I am not saying that I won’t cry in the future. I just want to be able to tell you what I need to and the best way for me is to write it. Writing has been an outlet for me for a long time. Until I began this blog, the writing would be mostly on post-it-notes. Reminders of things that I wanted to write about but could never seem to get around to doing. Meg, you took a FaceBook quiz and it asked you if I could live without the internet. You said, “No”. But, the truth is that I could leave without the internet. I just could not live without my computer. It has allowed me to put so many thoughts into writing. Being lefthanded had been a setback before my Dell. As a youngster, my teacher’s did their very best to switch me to righthandness. Well, the only thing that they succeeded in doing was screwing up how I hold a pencil. The way I hold a pencil or pen is soooo incorrect and very tiring. Thank you God for my computer (and the fact that I can type really fast!).

OK…I’ve been writing for a very few minutes and can, already, see that I’m not exactly sticking to the subject (how I feel about you). And, I thought about going back and deleting all the stuff about how I love the computer and being lefthanded. But, I’m not. This is how my mind works and you should get to see it. So, don’t be surprised if I write stuff and y’all find yourselves thinking, “What the heck (cause I’m positive that neither of you would say WTF or WTH since both of those have dirty words in them) is she talking about?” This is a good time to explain to you how my mind works. You know when you are on the interstate and have picked up a really good radio station but the signal goes in and out and you get other stations coming in and they are kinda fuzzy? They just kind and come and go. Well, that’s how the brain of your Mother works. I will have a clear and strong idea but the fuzzy, short ideas come in and out. Sometimes, the intruder thoughts take over and I find myself concentrating on them instead of the clear station that I had tuned in. So, ya see, all the time that you two were growing up and thought that I was not listening to you….I was. I was to the best of my ability. And, thankfully, the M & A station had the strongest signal and could (most of the time) ground out the” fuzzy signals”.

Now, while I have a clear signal, I want to say…

I remember clearly the day that I first fell in love. It was in September. The year was 1977. Although I didn’t know it, I had been waiting my whole life for this moment.  I fell so hard and so fast. I had been waiting for you for a long time….9 months (and a few weeks…to be exact) and it seemed like a lifetime. Actually, it was a lifetime…yours…from a few small cells to the dark haired 6 pound 18 inch long beauty that was God’s finished product. You had me, not at “hello”, but at your first cry. I had never heard anything so melodious in my entire life. Every bad feeling, injury, insult, etc that I had ever had experienced vanished when I held you. I had never felt such joy and peace ever.

(OK, Meg….I can see the puzzled look on your face. And, it’s not about you. It’s about your Dad. You are thinking, “Didn’t she love him first? How can she say that she fell in love for the first time at my sister’s birth?” And, I really have no solid explanation except that I did love your Dad first. But, this was totally different. I FELL in love and could feel myself falling in love when I saw your sister. It wasn’t a feeling that crept up on me or grew after getting to know someone. It’s just different. That’s the only thing that I can tell you).

I was sure that never again would I experience the emotions and love that I felt that day on a warm September evening. There was no way that a person could be fortunate enough to have this feeling of love more than once in a lifetime. Right? WRONG!

On a sunny April morning in 1983, I was once again blessed to feel that wonderous joy again. I would never have thought it possible but I fell in love again. Fell deeply and unconditionally in love with my Meg. Meg, the sunny, happy baby who startled us by whistling while sitting in her little punkin’ seat at only a few months old. My whistling girl. Who would have thought that there could be room in a heart for so much love? Sometimes, I felt like my heart would burst wide open because it was so full.  You were such a good, good baby. Did you know that I would regularly creep into your room while you were sleeping? I did it because you were so quiet. And, while I was there standing over you, listening to make sure that you were breathing, I would find myself staring at you. So beautiful with the moonlight dancing across your face. So wonderful! You still are, sweetie. I don’t know if you realize that sometimes.  And, if I had the opportunity now, even though you are grown, I would still creep into your room and watch you sleep. (..and here Annie is saying, “What about me? Why didn’t you creep into my room?” Here’s why….I didn’t have to. You slept in my bed until you were 2 yrs old. Then, I had to sleep in your bed until you were….uh…too old for me to be doing it.)

OK…this could become a novel if I’m not careful. So much I want to tell you. So many memories. Prehaps, I will write it all down one day. But, this day…this letter is to just to tell you both how much I love you and how very, very proud that I am of the ladies that you have become.

Once in a while, I ask myself this…”What did I contribute to the world to make it a better place?” And, the answer comes so swiftly to me….”God entrusted me with two of His most wonderful children and I have done my best to shape them into caring, considerate, and wonderful women.” And, I know that I can’t take credit for how wonderful the two of you are, I would like to think that maybe, I did contribute to it. God has blessed me and I thank Him everyday.

Annie…I watch you with your own children. You are a fantastic mother…the kind that would bare-handed kill a monster (real or imaginary…ex…Monster Spray) to protect them. And, you teach them about God, about love, to be kind and considerate. Of course, I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that you have passed down the ability to laugh. Laughing is good for the body and the soul.  And, sing…always sing. You touch so many people through song. I still get chill-bumps when I hear you. You have amazing talents. Never be afraid to explore those talents. Not only are you a wonderful gift but you have given me two amazing gifts in Gracie and Ian. They bring me so much happiness. I said my heart was close to bursting with the love that I feel for you and your sister. Well, God has shown me that the heart will not burst from too much love. It will just expand. I know this because my love doubled with the births of my grandkids. I have to say right now….I love them so much and am so proud of them.

Meg….you have so much talent. And, you will keep tapping into that talent until the day that God decides that he wants you back. You are strong. You have amazed me sometimes, with your strength. We’ve had some rough times but I have loved you every single second of every single day. Fight the good fight, honey. You are your own worse enemy sometimes. But, I have faith in the end that you will still be standing. You think that you don’t know me sometimes. Or, maybe, you don’t understand what I do or say at times. But, that’s not true. You know more deeply than almost anyone. You “get me” because you in many ways (like it or not), we are alike.

I’m not saying that I’ve always agreed with either one of  you 100 percent. But, for that, I am, also, grateful. To me that shows that you can think for yourself. And, the Mothers Club of the World would probably shun me for saying this…but, sometimes the kid is right. Mother’s don’t know everything. God didn’t make us that way. He just made us love our kids unconditonally. So, the times that you are angry and disagree with me, please be patient and kind. I am not always right. (But, neither are you…couldn’t resist writing that).

If I don’t quit now, this will turn into a sentimental, gushing novella that some one might decide to make into a Lifetime movie. Or, an after-school special.  And, I just know that they’d hire that crazy, liberal nutjob Roseanne Barr to play me and I can’t have that!

 So, girls…

Just know that I love you. I’m proud of you. And, I could not have been blessed with daughters any more wonderful that you two are.

Mom

“time out for nose blowing break”…..

PS…I am so happy that the two of you have become so close to each other. Prayers are answered!

edited 9:51 pm.

First, I need to tell y’all that this was hard for me to write. But,  I needed to tell those girls all of that.

Second….I got a blogging award……

This was award to me by Herrad at a wonderful blog (that you all should vist) named Access Denied—-LivingWith Multiple Sclerosis

THANK YOU SO MUCH, HERRAD! Now, can ya come by and tell me how to stick this over to the side in a widget?

Tags: a mother's love, an open letter to my daughters, daughters/mothers, God's blessings, watching your children grow

Not Too Late…White Trash Gifts and Crafts….

I apologize. I’ve been rather lax about helping y’all out with white trash crafts and gifts. I was sitting on the sofa, finishing the new Stephen King novel, Under The Dome, and a voice said, “Ya gotta go help them TPBarbie. They are your people. They are panicking and need some one to calm them down.” Well, I assume the voice was talking about my buddies and friends who have yet to make or buy their white trash gifts. Funny though, the voice sounded like Barbara Walters!

I am disclosing where I get all of my awesome gifts and some crashy (white trashy) ideas. Here is a great site for last minute crashy (trashy craft) gifts…..Regretsey. This site is just plumb full of good stuff. For example…..

Now, are these the cutest things that you’ve ever seen or what? You can spend the small price of $15.00 plus shipping or make your own. Your gift recipient more into vampires that sweet little bears, make them some with New Moon characters. You can’t sew, ya say? You don’t have to. Mend-It is like liquid thread in the form of a glue. But, if you gift-receiver happens to be a stripper, I would recommend actual sewing. The Mend-It has a tendency to melt under heat such as lights on a stripper stage. (And check out those pink, full size Barbie pumps!)

“You know, this reminds me of a fairy tale too; “The Girl Who Put Shit on Her Head and Thought it was a Hat”.

Only $18.00 at regretsey.com or use your imagination. Find an old hat around your house and then just starting hot-gluing random shit all over it.

This is an unisex necklace. I ordered 4. I’m giving two to Secret Sisters at church and 1 to my post office clerk (male) and 1 to my paper delivery guy. Only, I made my own and you can, too. Get a piece of white bathroom tile. Drill a small hole in top. Then paint the “Say What Guy” or anything else you want on it. Search around your house for a strong chain and “VOILA!”.

Only $20.00 at Regretsey. But, I have a feeling that if you want this gift for an ex-husband or ex-boyfriend, you have the creativity to paint one like it yourself.

Now, we know that Christmas is all about the little ones. So,here’s a great idea for kids from…well, you decide what age it is appropriate for……

KIDS WILL LOVE THIS!!!!!

So, there you have a few gift and craft ideas. You have a whole week to make them. Go get busy!!!!!

And, if you still feel like you are just not crafty enough, visit Regretsey.

Merry Christmas from all of your friends at the TrailerPark!

Tags: more white trash gift ideas, panic not...still time to make trashy crafts, Regretsey, things YOU can make, trashy crafts, white trash attire, white trash painting

Health Bill Vote….Bah Humbug!

The latest Rasmussen Reports weekly tracking update shows that 41% of voters nationwide favor the bill and 55% are opposed. Those figures are essentially unchanged from a week ago. This the fifth straight week with support for the legislation between 38% and 41%…..read more at Rasmussen Reports. 

I don’t often write posts about politics but this one has really gotten my panties into a big wad. 

In grade school when we first start studying government, we learned that people are elected by the citizens to represent the people…not their political party or their own self-interest groups. 

. So….WTF happened? 

I have on theory. Our Congress is paying no mind to the majority who are against the health care reform because they know that most voters will not take any action. They will not speak out. They will not contact their representatives. They will not attend meetings or tea parties. Why? Because, we have become an apathetic nation of whiners. We hear about things going on in Washington (or our state’s capitol ) and we grumble a bit to each other. But, then we do NOTHING because we have more important things to do, right? 

WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

I’ve heard many people saying, “Well, there is nothing that I can do about it!” 

THERE IS! One person can do something. I don’t know about y’all but I intend to put my money where my mouth is on this subject. If you choose not to financially support this, then will you at least, please, pass the word on about Harry Reid’s dirty tricks? We can no longer sit back and expect Sen. Rockefeller or Sen. Byrd to represent us. They are both hardline Democrats who would rather vote the way Reid, Pelosi, and other Democratic leaders tell them to vote than truthfully represent the beliefs of the people of West Virginia.
It’s time to speak up, stand up, and make these two representatives listen to us.
I know that it’s a pain in the butt to get a bazillion emails everyday that people want you to forward. And, I, admittedly, delete many of them. But, I am pleading with all of you to take a stand on this issue. We cannot sit back and let innocent babies be killed. We cannot afford to not stand up and take a stand on Cap and Trade issues. We can no longer expect our government to automatically do the right thing…because it will not. We have to come together and make our voices heard!
Please don’t just delete this. If you are tempted, just leave it in your email without forwarding it. Then, think about it. I’ll bet you will end up passing it on. I know each and every person that I sent this to is a good person…..one who cares about their families, their country, and their values.
  
STAND UP WITH ME AND MAKE YOUR VOICES HEARD!
  
This is what I personally wrote to our senators, Rockefeller and Byrd. You don’t have to use Liberty Action to send emails. You can find your representatives addresses on the internet.
  
“West Virginia is a state with Christian morals. We do not support abortion . And now it has come to light that there will be provision for abortion in this health care bill. I cannot tell someone what to do with their body or the body of an innocent child. But, I DO NOT want my taxes paying for it. I’ve had enough and am ready to put my money where my mouth is. I planned to fight you all the way on this vote. And, I will rally friends, neighbors, and loved ones to do the same.
SHAME ON YOU,Senator. Rockefeller!  When is the last time that you even stepped a foot into our state and asked the people of West Virginia what we thought about health reform…or anything, for that matter. No…you are too busy making sure that you are a straight tow-the -Democratic party-line kinda guy. One good challenger will knock you right out of your overstuffed Senate chair. And, with the grass-roots movements and Tea Party candidates, you might want to rethink who your loyalty should be with….the WV people or your cronies in the Senate (like Pelosi and Reid). 

And,especially, SHAME ON YOU, Senator Byrd! You have always loved West Virginia. I have no doubt about that. You have done many wonderful things for the people of our state. I am appealing to you as a fellow West Virginian (who lives very near your small hometown) to please, reconsider this vote. Vote the way the people of West Virginia want you to vote. Not the way the Democratic party wants. Please don’t let us down. Listen to your conscience not the shoutings of Pelosi or Reid.”……TPB (only I used my real name, of course).

  

The bill passed the Senate and that’s sad. But, what is sadder is that NOBODY that I emailed sent one damn letter to either senator. Oh they had plenty of time to read and send funny emails. But, no time to take a couple of minutes to write their representatives. 

Maybe, I should have sent the following pictures…… 

 

Credit for that picture goes to FreakingNews, (I give credit when I know who to give credit to,) 

 

 

Thanks to Darleen Click for this photo. Saved me a lot of time not having to look up pics of the rest of the gang! 

How very sad. How disappointed I felt. I emailed people who are intelligent, outspoken, and talk about their political beliefs with much passion. Maybe  that’s what it is….just TALK! 

I’m really sad….and extremely pissed off.  

If you don’t like what your government is doing, STAND UP! Remember…it is (suppose to be ) WE THE PEOPLE! 

Bah humbug….I hope they all get a lump of coal in their stockings.   

For those of you who feel it necessary to leave comments that are opposed to my point of you….do so at your own risk. I’m in no mood to argue with people who support this bullshit.  

Tags: apathy, butt buddies, corruption in government, Harry Reid, health care reform is a joke, I'm pissed off, nancy pelosi, obama, Senator Byrd, Senator Nelson, Senator Rockefeller, speak up, STAND UP, take a stand, we the people need to stand up, we're being screwed without being kissed first, West Virginia politics

WAKE UP, WEST VIRGINIA!!!!!!

I have been fighting to get my fellow West Virginians to WAKE UP…STAND UP…SPEAK  UP!

So, far, it has been a futile effort. I’m having a very hard time understanding why our state’s residents are being so apathetic. Yes, there are many who don’t care what the government does as long as they get their welfare checks which they think they are entitled to receive. Don’t get me wrong. We have  lot of people in WV who do need help. Men and women who have worked hard all their lives and lost their jobs should, certainly, be entitled to support to get back on their feet. However, it disgusts me that so many people on the welfare roll are generational…their grandpappy got a check, their pappy gets a check, and dammit, they deserve one, too. NO! They don’t.

I don’t know about y’all but I’m really tired of busting my ass along with my husband. We have both worked since we were teenagers and neither of us have ever received government aid. I’m fed up with my taxes paying for people who are just too damn lazy to work.

And, now, the Dumbocrats have decided to give even more of my money away in the so-called health care reform bill. Why am I ticked off about this…..not only do I not have insurance because I cannot afford the premiums, Scary Harry Reid, Fancy Nancy Pelosi, and their extremely out-of-touch-with-reality cronies are wanting to deny me any chance for health care. Damn right, I’m pissed off big-time. And, I’m going to be FINED because I cannot afford insurance for myself??????!!!!!!

Small business owners, especially, better WAKE UP! YOU will be responsible for providing insurance for your employees. And, I know that if you haven’t provided insurance for your employees as of yet, it is not because you don’t want to…it’s because you cannot afford it. Well, now, you will have NO CHOICE! Many small business will have to discharge full-time employees and contract labor out as needed. Or, shut their doors. This is serious stuff.

Furthermore, I cannot support any bill that has not had full disclosure to the citizens of this country. And, believe me….this bill has more secrets than Tiger Woods.

I’ve written Senator Byrd and Senator Rockefeller but I guess they are too busy patting themselves on the back for passing this offensive piece of crap bill to answer my emails. So, the phone calls will begin now. And, I’ll call all the way thru Christmas. I’m sure by then they will both be all warm and snuggled up with friends and family….congratulating themselves for pulling another one over on us. So, I’ll just leave messages on the answering machine.

I’m appealing to all my fellow Mountaineers…..(well, working ones)….PLEASE! STAND UP! SPEAK UP!  Or, don’t…then whine when you find yourself paying taxes on everything. If you don’t speak out…then shut up when you start feeling the effects of this disastrous health care bill.

If you believe in God…pray.

I received the following in my email today from Liberty Counsel. It contains the phone numbers of our senators. CALL THEM! You don’t have to be an eloquent speaker like Obama (oh wait…he uses a teleprompter all of the time). All you have to do is say, “NO! I don’t want my representatives voting for this bill. WE THE PEOPLE put you in office and WE THE PEOPLE can take you out.”

Email from Liberty Counsel….edited to remove my name. I’m not in the mood to be hunted down by bleeding heart liberals. However, if any BH liberals would like to comment or debate, you are welcome to do so here.

Mathew Staver, Founder and Chairman
Liberty Counsel

You and I have witnessed one of the most corrupt legislative schemes in American history! Now, Senate Democrats are
rightfully getting called on the carpet for it.
Please read below- Mat

For the past several weeks, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid has systematically bought off every Democrat member of the
Senate who could possibly derail his crucial cloture vote on ObamaCare. When all the “bribes” were handed out, Reid
had the required 60 votes to choke off debate in the middle of the night!

++Chicago on the Potomac

Honest Americans have been nauseated as we have watched:

** Senator Mary Landrieu (D-LA) get $300 million in extra federal spending for her state in what critics derisively
called “The Louisiana Purchase.”

** Senator Ben Nelson (D-NE) break the hearts of pro-life Americans by accepting a deal exempting his state from
any new Medicaid costs and several other long-term perks. Nelson’s purchase has been dubbed the “Cornhusker Kick Back.”

** Many other bribes and “special provisions” affecting the states of Vermont, North and South Dakota, Wyoming,
Massachusetts, Hawaii, Michigan, Florida, and Connecticut -you can easily associate each bought-and-paid-for senator’s
name with their state by reviewing recent news feeds.

But perhaps most painful of all was watching a condescending, smug Harry Reid justifying his corrupt acts by suggesting it
is every senator’s DUTY to get pay-offs for their votes!

“If they don’t have something in it important to them, then it doesn’t speak well of them,” Reid said in a post-cloture interview.
So much for the integrity of the United States Senate!

The liberal congressional leadership and the Obama White House arm twisters have drug our nation down to the level of a cheap
banana republic!

++On top of the corruption, ObamaCare is unconstitutional

If you wondered why Harry Reid has been rushing his 2,074-page bill and its 383-page “Manager’s Amendment” through in the
middle of the night with just hours to read them, Senator Jim DeMint (R-SC) and his staff found at least one answer…

Right there on page 1,020, the tyrannical Senate majority insists that no future Congress can repeal or otherwise
amend the section on “Independent Medical Advisory Boards.”

You will probably remember that socialists mocked Governor Sarah Palin for calling such independent boards “death panels.”
Yet Governor Palin was absolutely correct in her assessment -what else would you call boards with the power to grant or deny
life-saving care using some “cost-benefit” formula?

Carefully hidden away in Reid’s version of ObamaCare is a section that gives these boards far more power and permanence
than the Constitution allows to ANY government entity!

Thankfully, Senators Jim DeMint and John Ensign (R-NV) raised a “Constitutional Point of Order” on the Senate floor yesterday
concerning these “Advisory Boards.” The Senate cannot pass a law that can never be repealed by a future Senate. How
ridiculous is the thought? Sen. Reid is acting like a dictator!

They also called Reid out on the ObamaCare “Personal Mandate” that every American must buy insurance or face criminal charges.
Please pray that Senators DeMint and Ensign won’t be slapped down by the newly purchased 60-vote super-majority!

++ If this bill becomes law, Liberty Counsel is prepared to challenge its constitutionality in court!

Harry Reid’s version of ObamaCare (H.R. 3590) and its “Manager’s Amendment” are unconstitutional because:

1) Congress has NO authority to force every American to
carry insurance coverage, and,
2) Congress has NO authority to fine employers whose
policies do not have the mandated coverage.

If this monstrous healthcare bill passes, it must be strongly challenged in the federal judiciary from the moment
of its birth. Liberty Counsel stands ready to do exactly that!

++For now, as difficult as it may be, we MUST continue to make Congress hear our voice!

Major pro-life and conservative organizations are going all out this week to BURY the Senate in protest over Harry Reid’s and
Barack Obama’s dirty tricks.

After the Senate adjourns for the Christmas break (now planned for Thursday morning), we will have time to strategize the next phase
of our resistance to ObamaCare. But we MUST send them home with their ears ringing with protests against this outrageous bill and
the scandalous way it has been handled!

Americans nationwide are expressing OUTRAGE at this overt manipulation and total lack of integrity. Reid, Pelosi and
Obama have proven they will do anything to get this government takeover of our medical industry.

Now more than ever, the socialists and abortion advocates need to understand that WE HAVE NOT GIVEN UP and will resist to the
very end!

Here’s what I’m asking you to do…

#1 — Fax Your Senators TODAY!

Even if you have done so many times already, help us continue
flooding Senate offices with protests right up until the Senate
adjourns. Go here right now:

http://www.libertyaction.org/r.asp?U=23844&CID=297&RID=20486877

Of course, we always encourage you to send your own faxes if you
prefer. We have provided all the information you need to reach
the key senators here:

http://www.libertyaction.org/r.asp?U=23845&CID=297&RID=20486877

#2 – Call your Senators!

Please… take a moment to call your two Senators – even right
up to Christmas Eve – and let them know you are OUTRAGED by the
way this bill has been handled.

Sen. Byrd 202-224-3954

Sen. Rockefeller 202-224-6472

#3 – Pray that this bill will be miraculously derailed! Pray for
God’s deliverance from being forced to pay for abortions and from
the overt deceit and trickery that has become the norm from the
Obama/Pelosi/Reid power axis. PLEASE keep the heat on, especially
now that we have been shoved aside! Go here to raise your voice
in protest:

http://www.libertyaction.org/r.asp?U=23846&CID=297&RID=20486877

Now is NOT the time to be silent! Join like-minded Americans who
will be making Harry Reid and the Senate majority realize that
this power-play WILL be the undoing of everyone who votes for
the ObamaCare Abortion Bill of 2009!

God bless you,

Mathew Staver, Founder and Chairman
Liberty Counsel

P.S. This battle is not over, no matter how much the Pelosi/Reid/Obama
power axis wants us to think that it is. Now that there are serious
challenges to ObamaCare’s constitutionality, anything can happen!

Please pray! There is always hope in God! Continue taking action!
And let your Senators know that you WILL hold them accountable for
their decisions on ObamaCare and its outrageous handling! Once again,
thank you for praying and speaking out.
 

  

Come on fellow working West Virginians….don’t ignore this. Speak out!

Tags: apathy, Byrd, generational welfare, healthcare reform, Rockefeller, small business, stop your whining, threat to small business, Wake Up WV, welfare

Winter Driving….

Lots to write about but no time just yet to do it. So, I’ll cheat off of my email again. I thought this was pretty funny and hope you do, too. 

It happens to
all of
us… 

  

You’re driving
along 

just minding your own business, 

when all of a
sudden - 

 without
any warning, 

This Dick In A Truck 

pulls out right in front of you…… 

 

Tags: bad drivers, dangerous driving, dick in a truck, rude drivers, winter driving

Justin Bites Again…..

One of the most popular videos on youtube last year was “Charlie Bit My Finger“. It’s one of my all time favorites. For those of you who haven’t seen it, it’s two little brothers and the smallest one bites the biggest brother’s finger. Here is a parody of that video…..very funny and I got a really good giggle from it. Hope you do, too.

PS…Here’s another cute take-off on Charlie bit my finger. They guy is singing to the tune of “Hey There Deliah” by the Dirty White T’s (I think that is how they spell it).

Packing to go to Vegas, baby!!!! Only a 4-day trip but I’m just happy to be going somewhere. I need to get away and forgot about all the crap that needs done here. And, the best part is that I’ll be in Vegas for New Year’s Eve!!!!!

In the “What is Really Pissing Me Off” department today….some of you may remember that I developed a case of diverticulitis in November. I did not know that is what is was. I just knew that I had a case of  the all-of-a-sudden-with-no-warning  emergency runs. And, it was making life (especially getting ready for Christmas) very difficult.

I went to the Raleigh General Hospital  in Beckley WV. I signed in and waited. After a while, a nurse called me into a small room, took my temp and blood pressure, and stuck a cheap little plastic bracelet on my arm. Then, I was sent back into the waiting room where I waited…and waited…and waited for almost 2 1/2 hours. Running to the bathroom every few minutes was wearing me out. Finally, I asked a nurse how much longer it would be. She said that she didn’t know. I asked if she could check for me and she said, “Look around you! When we are done with the emergencies, then you’ll get called!”.

I’m not an unkind or unsympathetic person. If people are coming in with heart attacks, injuries from accidents, etc., I am prepared to wait. BUT, looking around me…here is what I saw:

One lady who was really sick…so sick that she had to keep her head laid down on a small table the whole time she was there. I don’t know how long that lady had been there but she was there before I got there. Finally, she left. Bless her heart. She was really sick.

One whole family who apparently were having a reunion in the waiting room. The whole clan seemed to be there….mama, daddy, paw-paw, mamaw,uncle, aunts, cousins, and maybe, even the family dog. I watched them for a long time and never could figure out which one was suppose to be “sick”. One name was called and I’ll be darn if the whole passel of them didn’t go thru the door. HUH?

Now…this was interesting to me…..several women and a couple of men (who I don’t think were together) kept coming out of the treatment room/rooms in their hospital gowns. Most of them did not have their gowns even tied in the back. They were just holding them together. They would go outside and then come back in. This happened every few minutes. Not always the same group together but mostly the same people making up different groups. What was going on?  I stood up and looked out to see where they were going. Have you guessed where yet? TO SMOKE! I’m not going to get on a soapbox about smoking. I’m pissed off that these people who were so damn sick that they were seen before me and the head-down lady were well enough to go outside and enjoy their ciggies. Now, guess who was paying for these SICK people to use the ER and take their cig breaks….YOU and ME!

So, after over 2 hours, I could not take it anymore and left. I went to an urgent care facility and was seen right away.

Now..here’s what has my panties in a bunch…

I got a bill yesterday for NINETY DOLLARS! I called the Raleigh General Hospital accounts department and told them that I thought that they had made a mistake since I didn’t even see a doctor. They informed me that ninety dollars was the charge for taking my temp, blood pressure, and giving me that cheap little plastic bracelet. I told them that I thought this was an exorbitant amount for what I received. They told me  (not in these words)….”tough luck, sister. It’s what you owe.” I asked for the supervisory body that regulates this stuff and the guy said that they regulate themselves. I told him that, no, health care corporations have to answer to somebody. He put me on hold and came back. He said that he had talked do this supervisor and I could lodge a complaint. BUT…he said the sup said that it wouldn’t do anything to change my bill.

So, now I’m on a quest to find out who regulates these charges from health care corporations. I want to talk to them.

Plus, as soon as I get back from my trip, I am going to write a letter to the editor to all the major newspapers in my states, plus one to the Cincinnati OH newspaper since that is where they are located.

BTW…all of you who have  into for criticizing  health care reform….screw you. Obama, Pelosi, and Reid are not helping me one bit. I fell thru the cracks when it came to insurance before the reform and it seems the crack just got larger.

:

 

Tags: Charlie Bit My Finger video, Harry Reid, health care reform, health care reform is a joke, Justin Bit Me, misuse of ER, nancy pelosi, obama, overcharged by Raleigh Gen Hospital, Raleigh Genral Hospital Beckley, who regulates hospital charges, who's watching out for me, youtube parody

Hit Me and Hit Me HARD!

My goal was to have 275,000 hits by the first of this year. I’m about 1,500 short. “wipes tears from face”

I might could reach my goal if I wrote a bunch and pimped it. But, I’m leaving town for a few days.

This is where you regular readers come in. I figure that by this time, I have around 12. So, if each of you would just come back and hit my blog about 100 times a day….that would give me 1200. Then, maybe, you could get a friend or 2 to hit it a couple of times for me????? Ya know that ya wanna make me feel important!!!!!!

Just to poke it up a little, I am writing this…..(so I can list it in tags…which is really ho’ing for the hits but a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do).

Charlie Sheen

Jon Gosselin

Sarah Palin

octo-mom

weight loss miracles

Kardashiens

Adam Lambert

AL Qaeda

Meredith Baxter Birney

Boone County Ninja

Avatar the movie

sex

hot sex

ugly Christmas sweaters

kinky sex

animal sex

Oriental sex workers

penis enlargers

New Year’s Resolutions

awful Christmas gifts

I could write more but I’m tired and need to go to bed.

CLICK AWAY!

Tags: Adam Lambert, Al Queada, animal sex, Avatar the movie, awful Christmas gifts, Charlie Sheen, gays, hell in a hand basket, hot sex, Joh Gosselin, Kardashians, kinky sex, lesbians, Meredith Birney, Merideth Baxter Birney, nancy pelosi, New Years Resolution, octo-mom, oriental sex workers, penis enlargers, Sarah Palin, Sex, ugly Christmas sweaters, weigt loss miracles

What Goes On In Vegas Needs To Stay in Vegas…..

I started this post a few days ago.I have lots to write about Vegas and other things but I am soooooo tired. Hopefully, I will get back in the swing of things soon. (My Christmas tree is still up!)

I have much to write about but am having a pretty rotten week. TPKen had a mini-stroke yesterday and it has turned everything here upside down. (Please V V, if you read this, don’t tell YCM. She will tell Granny and we don’t want Granny to know just yet. I’ll tell her after testing is done on Thursday. And, YCM has really loose lips….on her face, too. LMAO Couldn’t resist that one. Don’t be hatin’ on me!)

So, I’ll try to give y’all just the highlights. It’s going on 11 and I only slept 4 1/2 hrs last nite. Gonna try to hit the sack soon. But, the problem is, when I go to bed, I just can not turn off my mind. I will lay for hours and then get up for a while. Then back to bed where I might be lucky enough to fall asleep for 4 hours.

So, here’s the highlights from my big Los Vegas trip!

Bought two ticket to Los Vegas back in November. One for me and one for TPKen.

Got to the airport on morning of the 30th. Check in with the automatic machine. No problem. Tried to check TPK in and guess what?…..no damn ticket for him! Whaaaaat? How could this happen? Tickets booked at the same time with the same agent. Credit card given individually on each ticket. Thought we were good to go…but nooooooooo! Agent suggested that I go on ahead and they would stick TPK on a flight to Washington/Dulles where he could be on standby for a flight the next day. He might get a ticket. Prior to yesterday’s stroke, I thought that he had been acting kinda weird and was not about to leave him to go out on his phone. So, I told them, “no effing way’ and demanded they straighten this out. After around 2 hours at the counter, I’d had enough. I had asked them to see if any of the other airlines had any empty seats and they had checked and told me no. “BULLSHIT!” is what I thought. I got this sudden idea to go from counter to counter, using my really sad face and try to score some tickets. At US Airways, the guy was really nice but he did not have any empty seats. So, in my saddest/bout to cry/poor little me voice, I said, “Is there anyway that you can help me? Can you check the other airlines?” He was so nice and he started checking. Now, remember, United said they could not find any empty seats on any planes. But, Todd (that was his name, I checked his tag first thing so that I can call him by name. You know that little trick that makes people personalize ya and wanna help ya), bless his little pea-picking heart found 6 seats open on Delta leaving at 6 the next morning. So, I then marched myself over to the Delta counter to confirm and it was true. Then  back over to United and told them that I NEEDED 2 of those seats and I expected them to help me get them since this was their screw-up afterall. I was PISSED and the guy knew it. He went into high gear and got with the Delta agent and next thing  ya know….we had two tickets to Los Vegas at 6 the next morning. But, I was not finished with United and their eff-up. I told them that I fully expected them to pay for our hotel and our supper. He said that he couldn’t approve those unless it was the result of mechanical trouble. As far as I was concerned. it was mechanical trouble. Somebody didn’t hit the damn mechanical keys and enter TPK into the system. I think he knew that I had had enough of this crap and handed over a voucher for a room and two vouchers for meals. All’s well that ends well….but it didn’t end well as you will see later.

Got to the airport the next morning at 5. It’s a small airport and we thought that we’d have time to grab some breakfast. But, of corse, they were moving slow and we got on the plan hungry. So, we thought we’d get a bite to eat on the plane. Boy, plane food has really changed. You can buy a box of cheap, crappy cheese and cracker with about 5 grapes thrown in for 10 bucks. We bought them because we were starving.

Got to Vegas and met up with TPMidge’s husband (whom I haven’t named just yet. Any ideas?) Midge was working out as usual in the hotel gym. Shortly, she came back and we were trying to decide what to do first. Then, Midge noticed that her wallet was missing. She got on the phone and called all of the places that she had been to the night before and checked their lost and founds. No luck! She called her credit card companies and sure enough, someone had tried to charge a buttload of stuff….including a cheap $35 motel room, gas, and some TrimSpa (the stuff that Anna Nicole Smith use to plug).  So, we know the crook was cheap, fat, and riding in a car. The credit card companies immediately cancelled the cards which really relieved Midge (she sure don’t need no stinkin’ TrimSpa or cheap motel room).

We all got ready and Midge and Midge-hubby went to the police station and filed a police report. Then we all went down to the Strip and gawked at everything. I was feeling crappy because I still hadn’t eaten. Finally, I put my foot down and told them that I HAD TO EAT. So, we found a place and ate.

Then TPKen hit the 21 table in Caesars Palace. The Pussycat Dolls had a gambling area set up in the middle. TPKen sure did like sitting at that table. In fact, he liked it so much, that he didn’t even know where I was. Where was I? Hiding in the corner taking pictures of him and the scantily clad dealers! HAHAHAHA Since my camera is lost (hope it’s found for these pics alone), here is an internet pic of how the PC Dolls were dressed……

Later that night, we were on the Strip and it was so packed with people that I thought I’d have a panic attack a couple of times. People were smooshed together and moving as one-big-ass-person-crowd. Couldn’t hardly breathe! At midnight, 3 casinos let off identical fireworks from the top of their buildings and it was really beautiful. People were dancing with each other all over the place. I got in a few good bumpity-bump-humps with some good looking guys who were young enough to be my sons nephews.

Right after midnight, we headed to the front of Caesar’s Palace to catch a cab back to our hotel. We had been told by the police that since the streets were closed off to regular traffic, you could only hail a taxi in front of one of the big casinos/hotels. We were shocked by the lines of people waiting for a cab. So, we took our place at the end of the line and figured it would be around a 30 minute wait. What we didn’t count on was all the line jumpers.

Now listen….usually, I’ll just let things like that go. But, that nite, we all were exhausted, our feet hurt, we were hungry, and it was colder than a witch’s tit. So, I began to lose patience fast with the line jumpers and became a TATTLE-TELL!

We had been in line for around NINETY MINUTES and were about 4 families away from a cab when I noticed this tall (about 6’5″ )sixtyish looking man pull his wife up right beside me. Then he DID IT….started trying to edge me out. Now, I was in no mood for that inconsiderate asshole. So, as he tried to edge me, I nudge him with my elbow in his gut (actually closer to his balls since I’m only 5’2″). Finally, I looked at him and told him that he was suppose to get in the back of the line. Dismissively he said, “I AM in line!” Then he turned away from me. Turned away…not moved away. Smug…that’s what he was. He and his wife were very well dressed and spoke in Spanish. I got the idea that maybe they were rich professionals from out of the country. But, when he dismissed me, it pissed me off royally!!!!! I do not like being dismissed!!!!!! I said, “Excuse me…but if you think that you are grabbing my cab….well, that just ain’t gonna happen. If you even try, I will hit you right in the nuts. Don’t think that I won’t do it, Mister!”

And, as tired, cold, and hungry as I was, I would have done it. I would have socked that guy right in the gonads.

You can’t begin to imagine my joy when the original person who had told him to get in line happened along and saw him trying to push to the front. She sent him packing…..all the way to the back of the line.

As our cab pulled up and we got ready to get in it, I just couldn’t resist looking over at the crowd and finding him. And, conveniently, he was looking  back at me. So, I yelled….

“SUCK ON THAT, BIOTCH!”

I never dreamed at the time that TPMidge would come back home and tell that story on me. But, she did. Now, I’ve become a little infamous round here in the Boogerwoods. At the post office the other day, a guy that went to school with TPSkipper was pulling out of the lot when he suddenly stopped, rolled down his window, and gave me the thumbs up. I asked what that was for and he said, “Suck on that, biotch! You are my hero!”

Last night, TPSkipper’s husband (who is a drug rep) called to tell me that I am the bomb-diggity to a couple of the doctors that he has to call on. When I asked why…of course…he said, “They got the biggest kick out of you saying ‘Suck on that, biotch!”

Maybe, what happens in Vegas SHOULD stay in Vegas!

Tags: gonads, Las Vegas, New Year's Eve in Vegas, pickpockets, redneck brawling, rednecks in Vegas, socked in the nuts, stolen wallet, stressful vacation, suck on that bitch, United airline screwups, White Trash in Vegas

How Many Menopausal Women Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb?

Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light Bulb?

 

Woman’s Answer:

 
One! ONLY ONE!!!!

 And do you know WHY?

Because no one else in this House knows HOW to change a light bulb! They Don’t even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out.

And, once they figured it out, they wouldn’t be able to find the #&%!* light bulbs despite the fact that they’ve been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS!

But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would still be in the same spot! And underneath it would be the wrapper the freaking light bulb came in because NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!!!!

  

IT’S A WONDER WE HAVEN’T ALL SUFFOCATED

FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP

THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!!!!! IT WOULD TAKE

AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE!!!!!!

AND DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON

 WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL!!

I’m sorry. What was the question?

Tags: changing lightbulbs, menopause, woman's rant

You’re Going To Keeeel Me! Ahahahaha….

I’ve not been here for a while. Lots happening around the  ol’ trailer park. Most of it dealing with illnesses.

In my last post, TPKen had a “spell” that the family doctor thought was a min-stroke. After seeing a neurologists and having blood work, CT scan, and physical testing, nothing wrong was discovered. That’s good news! The slightly bad news is that we still don’t know what caused the episode in the first place. It sure was scary. He was sitting in the kitchen chair and suddenly, it was he was not “there”. His eyes were wide open and his face was slack. I immediately went over to him and tried to get a response. First, I got right in his face and shouted and told him to blink if he could hear me. No blink. Then, I slapped his face (not hard) thinking that would get  a respone but that was a no-go, too. Then I called 911 but the stubborn old codger refused to go to the hospital. After much pleading, he finally agreed to go to his family doctor. So, for now, everything is OK. Please pray that it will continue to be OK with him.

As for me….well, yuck…just plain ol’ yuck.       This has been a rough year already.

Back in November, over a period of around a week, I started feeling sick and then sicker. Since we don’t have insurance, I only go to the doctor if I feel that it is something that I cannot treat with homeopathic medicines or some of the old folks’ remedies that family has believed for generations. Some of them have been proven to work. However, there is one that I absolutely, for-n0-amount-of-money (well,I might do it if the price is right) will not try.  The following is true…cross my heart and hope to die..stick a needle in my eye.

My mother got the chicken pox when she was a little girl. Apparently, she only broke out in a few bumps and her parents were concerned. They believed that the “pox” was stuck inside of her and would do damage to her inside organs. Now, remember, these were Appalachian hill people. Now, I’m not clear on whether an actual doctor told them to do this or if it was, also, passed down by another generation. My grandmother made some sheep-dip tea. The tea contain actual sheep poop but I don’t know what else was in it. And, I don’t know how much “dip” was thrown in, either.  Then, she had to drink it. She did proceed to break out all over her body with the pox after that. It probably was a coincidence but who knows? Maybe, she super-willed herself to break out in fear of what else she might be made to drink. Yuck! 

So, back to November. I kept feeling weaker and sicker with each passing day. My kids kept hounding me to go to the ER. I finally agreed to go to an Urgent Care clinic. There I was examined and told that I had diverticulosis, an inflammation of the diverticuli (small air pockets).  The doc said that I had an infection and needed antibiotics. He diagnosed without X-rays or scans. But, since I knew this guy and know that he is extremely intelligent and a good doctor, I didn’t question it at all. He put me on a course of two antibiotics:

Ciprofloxacin

Ciprofloxacin (or Cipro) is an antibiotic used to treat bacterial infections such as diverticulitis. Ciprofloxacin stops the multiplication of bacteria by its inhibition and reproduction of the bacteria’s DNA. This antibiotic can cause such side effects as headaches, rashes, nausea and vomiting and restlessness.

Metronidazole

Metronidazole (Flagyl) is an antibiotic that is used in the treatment of anaerobic bacteria and certain parasites. Anaerobic bacteria are single-celled organisms that can live in environments without oxygen, especially in the abdomen. This can cause bacterial peritonitis, liver abscess and pelvic problems including abscess of the ovaries and Fallopian tubes. Metronidazole stops the functions that are within the bacterial cells and kills the parasites. Common side effects include numbness or tingling, previously unexperienced pain and weakness in the extremities.

I bold faced the side effects because I experienced every single one of them. I felt so bad after taking them for about 5 days that I went back to the Urgent Care Clinic to see what was wrong. The doc assured me that I was experiencing the side effects and I would fill better a few after I took them all. The antibiotics were a 10 day treatment. So, ten days plus 2-3 more days, I felt like a**. But, finally, I gradually started to feel better although still not back to normal. I went thru Christmas kinda dragging and not enjoying it as much as usual. Then, we went to Las Vegas with TPMidge and hubby. I was really looking forward to the trip. I needed a small vacation badly. We were only going for 4 days but I was so excited to just be going anywhere! As I wrote in a previous post, United Airline screwed up and didn’t have a ticket for TPKen when we got to the airport. So, there went one day. Well, three days are better than none, right? 

Holy-moly….so much went wrong on that trip! I’ll have to write more than one post to really get into it. If I start writing about it now, this post will be the longest in blogging history. So, I’ll get back to what I was writing about.

While in Vegas, on the second day, we were just being gawking tourists and looking at all the gaudy man-made buildings and stuff. Strolling along, all of a sudden, I felt an intense need to RUN to a bathroom. We ducked into a casino/shopping center where I found the nearest bathroom. My stomach was rolling and…well, I don’t have to go into detail about the rest but it was something like the scene out of Dumb and Dumber where Jeff Daniels was in the bathroom. Finally, after emptying fluid in my body, I left the bathroom and walked over to the slot machines where TPKen, TPM &H were playing video poker and slots. I sat down between them and took out some dollar bills. I put one dollar in the machine when…crapolo….I had to run again. And, again. And, again. Long story short….TPM and I ended up going back to the hotel where I could spend the rest of the evening in a non-public bathroom. TPM went to a little convenience store and bought me some Immodium which I took. And, she spent the rest of the evening taking really good care of her Mommy. She’s a great one to have around when you don’t feel very well. The next morning, we were flying out and I sure was worried about “my condition” on the plane not to mention having to run thru the terminal to find out gate.

I was very happy to be home with my own bathroom. I felt really ill for about 2 days and then began to feel better. Then, right after TPK’s unexplained episode, I started feeling really fatigued and not at all like myself. I attributed it to all the rush of Christmas and Vegas and having to drive TPK to work and the doctors and all that stuff. But, this past weekend, I felt like I was on the verge of death. I was so tired and fatigue that I couldn’t get off of the couch and do anything. My stomach was swollen and tender. After a lot of cajoling from Midge and Skipper & Co., I decided to go to the ER. Keep in mind…I have NO insurance. And, I’m a very frugal person. So, I had to be feeling pretty damn horrible to agree to go.

As I was showering, TPKen came in and said that my cousin, Charlene and her husband, from Charlotte had pulled up in the driveway. I don’t know how many of you have read about Nosey Charlene in past posts so I’ll briefly describe her. Charlene is one of those people who wants to constantly one-up everyone. You buy a small SUV, she’ll run out and buy a Hummer. You buy a coat from Penneys, she’ll run out and buy a mink. You get the idea? Charlene and her hubby started building their house at the same time that we began building ours. Now, I don’t see Charlene much or talk to her all that often, either. (I wonder why!). But, every time I do see/talk to her, she is always asking me stuff like, “How big is your house? What’s the square feet? What kind of floors did you put in? What kind of counter top? etc.”. NOSEY…and scared that someone will have something better than hers. Now, I don’t give a rat’s ass who has what…makes no difference to me. You might recall that Charlene and My Aunt Cary showed up here a few months back. I’m pretty sure that they intended to do a drive-by-looking. But, they didn’t realize that my house is on a dead end road and has a circular drive. Once they got up here, they had no choice but to pull all the way up to the front of the house where they would be spotted. So, they got out and came in and did some generalized noseying around. This time, Charlene got quite a shock when she pulled up and TPKen met her on the driveway and told her that this was not a good time to visit because I was going to the ER. Get this….Charlene said that she had called a few minutes before and when we didn’t answer, she thought that we were in church. Dumbass gave herself away. If she thought we were in church, why did she come here? To nose around, of course. Some people….

Gosh, I better get back to the original story or I’m going to have a small novella here.

So, I went to the ER and was promptly taken in. They were FAST! In a few minutes, a doctor appeared. He reminded me of the Chief on Grey’s Anatomy. Only, he had an accent that I thought sounded like Bob Marley. His first name was Samson. He asked me a few questions and I told him about the divertiulosis. He felt around my stomach and it really hurt when he pushed in on it. Then, he ordered a CT scan and some blood work…..and all the other usual stuff that hospitals love to tack onto your bill.

TPSkipper had accompanied me and TPKen to the ER. I’m so glad that Skipper went, too. That girl is really smart and soaks up info like a sponge. I was in too much pain to ask many questions and poor TPK has a hearing problem that he still will not admit to having. So, Skipper became my interpreter/go-betweeen for the doctor and me. In the meantime, TPMidge showed up to lend her support. It really is a good feeling to know that my girls care that much about me.

I went sent for the CT scan and then back to the room. A nurse came in and gave me a gastro-cocktail made up of maalox, lidocaine, and belladonna to numb and soothe my stomach. She had, also, brought me a pain shot which was worth a shit because it didn’t do anything (although it will probably cost me more than a junkie’s month worth of street drugs). Then, we waited.

The doctor came in with my chart with some very startling news. He said that I had kidney stones. KIDNEY STONES????? He said that I was passing a fairly large one now and had 3-4 more large ones to pass later. The room erupted in questions from Midge, Skipper, and myself. How could I have kidney stones when I had no symptom of kidney stones? Shouldn’t I be experiencing intense and sharp pain instead of a dull, burning, discomfort? He began to explain to  us that kidney stones affect people differently and proceeded to draw a picture of a kidney stone leaving the body. He said that he was going to prescribe some prostrate medicine that would make the stones easier to pass. Prostrate med? He said that I would be given a strainer and needed to strain all of my pee to spot any stones that might come out.  And, he was going to give me a prescription for a narcotic pain killer (at this point, I would have probably taken that). He left the room and we all sat there somewhat in shock. KIDNEY STONES? Nobody in my family has had kidney stones. TPKen has had kidney stones twice and the way I felt/acted was totally different than the way he felt/acted. He was in intense pain. But, the doctor said kidney stones and convinced us that is what it was. Plus, I had passing more stones to look forward to in the future. Not to mention, that straining my pee was not something that I was looking forward to doing. But, at least, the CT scan showed that I didn’t have diverticulosis either. I was relieved to know that I could go back to eating nuts, popcorn, stuff with seeds, etc.

Just as we got somewhat accepting of the fact that I had KS, Dr. “Marley” came back into the room. Thank God that I have a sense of humor because this is where it gets pretty funny.

Marley entered with a sheepish look on his face. He said (in his Marley accent)….”You’re going to keeeel me” and put the chart up in front of his face as if he were hiding. This was accompanied by a loud James Earl Jones laugh. AHAHAHAHA!

“Why?” we all said at once. “What’s wrong? Is it worse?”.

“No”, he said. “It’s good news. You don’t have kidney stones. I read the wrong chart. The guy in the next cubicle has kidney stones.”

WHAAAT????!!!!!!!

It turns out that I had a urinary tract infection, duodenitis, and gastritis. Even though those are bigger and scarier words than “kidney stones”, they are not nearly as bad. At least, I wouldn’t be passing any foreign objects out of my body. I received an antibiotic and Prevacid. It took several days but I am now feeling better. I felt well enough yesterday to go and pick up the ER records to take to my family doctor.

As I was leaving, Dr. Sampson said, “Aha…I bet you won’t forget this!”

I replied, “I’ll bet you want either. And, can I still have that pee strainer? I might need it sometime.”

He just laughed. Probably glad that he got somebody who can see the humor in life instead of an angry patient with a lawyer on the line.

According to the report, I have a dilated common bile duct and was dehyrated, also. Plus, I have a positive cocci. I’m not sure what my cocci is but I’m sure glad that it’s not negative. For the last few days, when I start feeling crapppy, I just tell myself, “Hey, don’t be so negative. Your cocci is not!”

So. regular readers (up to 6 now), that’s where I’ve been. Scheduled for an appt with family physician tomorrow. It’s suppose to icy rain tonight so I hope the roads will be clear and I can go and ask her about my rather strange ER visit and my cocci.

OMT…upon checking my email this morning, I think that I found the cure to all my ills….

It read…..”Wheen youur boenr coems beick so waill youur esex dirve‏.”

If boenr = cocci, what does esex equal?

Tags: cocci, CT scan, diverticulosis, ER fiasco, gastritis, Grey's Anatomy, humorous doctor story, humorous ER story, illness, kidney stones, Las Vegas, misdiagnosis in ER, misdiagnosis of diverticulosis, more trailerpark tales, nosey people, pee strainer, positive cocci, stroke, UTI, why I've been absent

Hello God, It’s Me, “Brenda”…..

 

I’ve posted in the past about a woman, who for the past few years, has mistaken me for a lady named Brenda. I run into her occasionally, usually in department stores. She’s a very friendly woman and would probably make a good buddy.

However, I am not Brenda.  I remember the first time that she thought that I was Brenda. She greeted me like a long-lost, dear friend that she had not seen in ages. I got the impression that she and Brenda, at one time, were schoolmates, neighbors, or maybe church buddies. Or, prehaps, Brenda had been involved in her children’s school activities with the woman. I don’t know. That first occasion was in my fav department store and she spotted me over some racks of jeans. Her face lit up and she called out, “Hey, girl! How you doing?” Then she came running over to where I was and gave me a big hug.

“You look good!” she said.

Not wanting to embarrass her (haven’t we all embarrassed ourselves with mistaken identities at some time), I replied, “I’m doing fine and how are you? You look good, too!”

Anyway, the back and forth conversation lasted about 5 minutes. I walked away patting myself on the back for not exposing the woman’s embarrassing mistake.

Since then, I’ve ran into the woman on at least 6 separate times. Every time, I promise myself that I will tell her that I am not Brenda. But, so far, I haven’t been able to do it. Each time, I figure that it will be the last and why ruin the woman’s obvious  joy at seeing her ol’ buddy, Brenda.

Now, I’ve been thinking. Unless I have a “twinner”, she must have known Brenda quite some time ago. What are the odds that I would pass for someone that she sees in the present days?

While Christmas shopping this year, I spotted her waving to me while I was in a check-out line. She was a few aisles over and I got checked out before she did. I hurried out of the store not wanting to “be Brenda” again.

This past Friday, I was in Kroger’s in the canned vegetable aisle (I was gonna make chili) when I heard a somewhat familiar voice. It was “my friend”.

“Well, Brenda, did  you have a good Christmas?”, “my friend” enquired.

I said, “Yes, I did. And, you?”

“Well, as you know, Janice had to come and stay with us for a while. Her crazy alcoholic husband was acting up and threatening to burn down their Christmas tree. But, I’m sure that Candy told you all about that!” she said.

Uh oh….now I was in trouble. She had started using names of people and I had no clue who they were. This was the time to tell her that I was not Brenda. But, I had developed a somewhat morbid interest in Janice, her husband, and the Christmas tree. “A few more minutes”, I thought to myself. Then, I’ll tell her.

“Actually, I haven’t talked to Candy lately. So, I didn’t know about Janice. Is she still staying with you?” I asked.

And, then it happened. Just like the other times that I had run into this woman. I felt myself becoming “Brenda”. Brenda, who knew this lady, Candy, and Janice. Once, “Brenda” takes over, I’m compelled to play along.

My “friend” said, “Whaaaat? How can you not have talked to Candy? You live right beside of her! She told me that she had been over to your house just a few days ago and drank coffee and gossiped. Please tell me that Candy is not making up stories again! You know how much troubled she caused the last time she started her lyin”.

“Uh uh uh uh”, was all I could say. This time I was in deep.

“TELL HER! TELL HER! the voice inside my head was yelling. “Tell her that you are not Brenda and have never been Brenda and do not know Brenda and apologize for not telling her sooner!”

I knew that was what I needed to do. But, of course, I didn’t. I kept on being “Brenda”.

“Oh, no. Candy’s not lyin’. I think she was over but I was gone. One of the kids was probably there. Yes, I’m sure that is what she was talking about.” I lied effortlessly.

Now what?  I needed to somehow get out of this conversation and away from this woman before I did some kind of  damage to somebody’s relationship. But, I knew that she would be extremely embarrassed and she seemed like such a nice person.

So, I changed the subject. “Did you get my Christmas card?” I asked.

She replied, “No. I sent you one and was wondering why I did not get one back. But, the post office is so screwed up and I figured that’s what happened to it. Did you like the picture on the front of my card? I took it at Uncle Jim’s farm and knew that you liked that little stream by the meadow.”

“Oh, it was beautiful” I replied.

My mind is working triple time trying to figure out how to get out of this mess. Then, like a miracle, my phone rang. It was a recruiter from a college who said that he had my name because I had filled out something indicating that I wanted to go back to school. Actually, he had the wrong number but seeing a way out, I faked enthusiasm about his college. Poor guy…..he was going into a lot of detail about enrollment, fees, etc. I acting excited about all of this as I saw it as a chance to get away from “my friend”.

“Hey, girl. I gotta take this call so I’ll catch you later!” I said to “my friend”.

Just as soon as I could get out of that aisle, I told the recruiter, “I’m sorry but you have a wrong number”. This obviously was confusing to him since no more than 30 seconds before, I was showing such interest.

“But….” he started. I hung up.

I seriously have got to figure out how to tell this lady that I am not Brenda.

Tags: a day in the life of a white trash woman, confusion with identity, I'm not Brenda, lying, mistaken identity, what a mess

Yes, I’m Still Kickin’

Contrary to rumors, I am not dead. I’m still here in the Boogerwoods and expending obscene amounts of energy to just make it from day to day lately.

This has been a very stressful and hard winter. And, although, I have loved snow for my entire life, I have had enough. This quiet little piece of Redneck Country is turning into the scary hotel from The Shining  and I’m starting to sign correspondences as Wendy. This would not only confuse my “Brenda” friend, but is also causing havoc with emails to my friends and family.

Ex……

Email to my best friend…..”Hey, girl! Here’s an article that I found on gluten-free food. Thought that you might find it interesting”. Love, Wendy.

Best friend….”Wendy who? If this is a damn scam, knock it off ahole!”

Email to hubby…..”Hey, would you please stop by the grocery store and pick up some bread and milk. It’s suppose to snow again tonight.”

Hubby….”Who is this? And, why are you using my wife’s email address? No prob on the bread and milk though. Except I don’t know where you live.”

Email to pastor…..”HELP! I’m beginning to feel very isolated up here. Please have the church pray for me.” Love, Wendy

Pastor….”In all honesty, I have thought for a long time that you have multiple personalities. And, now, I know it for sure. “Wendy”, are there any more of you in there? I’ll be up there just as soon as the road clears so we can talk about “your friends. In the meantime, do not let anyone else enter your house.”

Wendy Torrance: [crying] Stay away from me.
Jack Torrance: Why?
Wendy Torrance: I just wanna go back to my room!
Jack Torrance: Why?
Wendy Torrance: Well, I’m very confused, and I just need time to think things over!
Jack Torrance: You’ve had your whole FUCKING LIFE to think things over, what good’s a few minutes more gonna do you now?
Wendy Torrance: Please! Don’t hurt me!
Wendy Torrance: I’m not gonna hurt you.
Jack Torrance: Stay away from me!
Jack Torrance: Wendy? Darling? Light, of my life. I’m not gonna hurt ya. You didn’t let me finish my sentence. I said, I’m not gonna hurt ya. I’m just going to bash your brains in.
[Wendy gasps]
Jack Torrance: Gonna bash ‘em right the fuck in! ha ha ha
Wendy Torrance: Stay away from me! Don’t hurt me!
Jack Torrance: [sarcastically] I’m not gonna hurt ya…
Wendy Torrance: Stay away! Stop it!
Jack Torrance: Stop swingin’ the bat. Put the bat down, Wendy. Wendy? Give me the bat…

And, it would be a definite understatement to say that TPKen is getting on my nerves and I on his.

---

Jack Torrance: Wendy, let me explain something to you. Whenever you come in here and interrupt me, you’re breaking my concentration. You’re distracting me. And it will then take me time to get back to where I was. You understand?
Wendy Torrance: Yeah.
Jack Torrance: Now, we’re going to make a new rule. When you come in here and you hear me typing
[types]
Jack Torrance: or whether you DON’T hear me typing, or whatever the FUCK you hear me doing; when I’m in here, it means that I am working, THAT means don’t come in. Now, do you think you can handle that?
Wendy Torrance: Yeah.
Jack Torrance: Good. Now why don’t you start right now and get the fuck out of here? Hm?

Y’all get the drift, right?

And, getting out of here most days this winter have proven quite challenging…..

Wendy Torrance: I’m gonna go now.
Jack Torrance: Wendy?
Wendy Torrance: I’m gonna try and get Danny down to Sidewinder in the Snow Cat. I’ll send back a doctor…
Jack Torrance: Wendy?
Wendy Torrance: Yes?
Jack Torrance: You got a biiiig surprise coming to you. You’re not going anywhere. Go check out the Snow Cat and the radio and you’ll see what I mean. Go check it out.

Maybe, I should have titled this post “The Trailerpark Shining”?

This winter has not only brought a lot of snow and impassable roads but has proven to be the sickest year ever on record when it comes to me and my family. I’m certain that if there was a nationwide (prehaps worldwide) contest for Sickest Family of Winter 2009-2010, we would win hands down. The prize would be  a trophy with a person blowing his/her nose, a year’s worth of antibiotics and Kleenex, and a case of Tamiflu.

From unexplained seizures (TPKen), sinus infections, urinary tract infections to the flu, we’ve had just about everything that a family can get. Passing infections/colds/viruses around like a box of Russell Stover candy!

I sincerely thank my Mama for passing on her sense of humor about life to me. And, I passed it on to Skipper and Midge. Skipper has a really hilarious story about her hubby’s hospitalization that she has promised to come here and share with y’all. I would write about it but she totally cracked me up telling it. So, I’ll wait for her to write about the escapade.

So, that’s what has been happening around here. Lots of doc visits, medicines, illnesses, etc. And, I’m not dead….yet.

Hopefully, spring will bring the sunshine and fresh air that we desperately need around here!

Tags: I'm alive, isolation, multiple personalities, snow, The Boogerwoods, The Shining, visits to the ER, winter illnesses

Had Enough Snow Yet?????

 

A picture is worth a thousand words! Nuff said……

Tags: funny picture, no words needed, snowman hangs himself, suicidal snowman, tired of snow, tired of winter, winter 2009 2010

Can’t Keep A Good (White Trash) Woman Down….

Boy, this has been one of the worse winters that I can remember. Not just the snow (which there has been plenty of) but medical issues resulting in ER and doctor’s visits that have cost me a shitload (which is more than my usual term “buttload”) of hard-earned moolah. I thought O-I-Can-Fix-Everything-If-You-Elect-Me-Bama was going to save us all from going bankrupt due to medical expenses. I’m still waiting for the Big Rescue. Are you?

Being that it’s late and I’ve had a very rotten day, I will not go into all of the details at this time. So, I’ll just concentrate on the latest kick in the financial groin. Regular readers (up to around 8 or 9 now and damn proud of it!) will recall that I made an ER visit a few weeks ago. It was the one where Dr. “Bob Marley” gave me the wrong diagnosis and had me believing that I had kidney stones even though none of my symptoms were any that I had ever heard of in connection to kidney stones. I’ll give him this….he was an excellent actor, worthy of an Academy Award because he convinced not only me but TPSkipper, TPMidge, and TPKen that I was in the middle of passing a “very large stone”. Turns out that the guy behind the curtain next to me was passing the stone which would explain the loud moaning and screaming that was scaring the bejeesus out of all of us. “Marley” discovered his mistake right before sending the poor guy home with my diagnosis….urinary tract infection and gastroenteritis. Good for the guy but bad for me since “Marley” was writing me a RX for some hardcore pain meds. I sure could have used some controlled narcotics over the last few days when receiving bills for the ER visit. Let me correct that….I could have used some uncontrolled street drugs!

The first bill was for just a little under four grand. I managed to whittle it down to a little over 2 grand dickering with the billing department.

Today, I got a separate bill from “oh-my bad-you’re going to kill me-Doctor”. I almost hit the floor when I saw the amount….$700 bucks! No way! For seven hundred bucks, I expect a bit more than 5 minutes and a wrong diagnosis. Yes, we all thought the mix-up was funny. But, not THAT funny! I could have bought tickets to see Larry the Cable Guy and flown to another state to see him for SEVEN HUNDRED DOLLARS!

So, tomorrow, I will be on the phone trying to dicker with the billing department. In case they won’t budge, I already have my back-up strategy.  Actually, two….

1. I will drop all notions of a lawsuit for unnecessary stress to my already battered body due to the wrong diagnosis.

2. I will drop the idea of copying the bill and sending it to my attorney general, Darryl McGraw, who is rather well known for fighting for the little people (no, not midgets, the peons aka “the voters” )of WV.

On top of that, I was on the phone for 1 hr and 53 minutes (I timed it) with Staples today trying to get the extended warranty (that cost me $359.99 for 3 yrs) on my Dell computer honored. The fourth person that I talked to finally offered real help. The first three were rude or not understandable. One talked waaaaay too fast and I had to keep asking her to repeat stuff. One actually talked very slow and robotic and was just downright unpleasant. I will never, ever buy an extended warranty again.

And…yesterday, I went out to clean the ice off of my car. Underneath the one inch layer of ice, I found that my windshield was cracked all the way across. Oh hell, when it rains it pours!!!!!

Do I sound whiny? Damn right I do!

What a rotten winter!!!!!!

At least I can still find a little humor in all this mess of snow, ice, and bills. This past weekend, my lil’ TPMidge thought that I needed a break before I went beserk and started shootin’ up all the wildlife here in the boogerwoods. My power and cable had been off all day. So, she called me up and said to get ready because we were going out somewhere.  Here’s the thing….I looked a mess. No power = no hair dryer or curling iron. Also, no light in the bathroom to apply makeup.  Now, normally, I am one of those woman who will not go out looking skanky or unkempt. I’m not sayin’ that I dress to the nines or get all “dolled up” everytime that I leave my house. But, I do have a certain cleanliness standard that I hold myself to. Ya get the idea, right? It’s not due to vanity. It’s because of my unwritten rule….I can’t laugh at the people at WalMart if I look like them. I’ve always held the belief that if you can’t laugh at yourself, you have no right to laugh at others, too.  So, let’s laugh at ME now.

TPM was on her way and I was in a tizzy trying to figure out how in the world I could make myself presentable. The fact is that my hair is crazy (no other word would describe it) in the mornings. It kinda resembles a Kate Gosselin wig put on sideways. Business on the left side and party on the right side. The right side of my hair sticks out crazy. No matter what length or style that I am wearing at the time, that side resembles a porcupine in the mornings. I think that I sleep mostly on that side and must have some really wild, tossing and turning dreams in which I am either fighting, making woopie, or being rolled around on the ground by something or someone.  Whenever Lil TPSkipper Jr. spends the night, every morning, she will say….”Oh Nana…your hair!”  One of TPMidge’s first jobs was at a Dippin’ Dots in the mall. Her boss had a crazy hair-do that is just about impossible to describe. His name was Loyd. So, they describe my morning hair as “the Loyd”. I digress…back to going out with Midge. I was in a damn near panic trying to figure out what to do about my hair. I couldn’t go out with it wet since it was around 12 degrees outside. And, I don’t have a hat-head. I love hats…when others are wearing them. And, I buy hats and then give them away. I think that my problem with hats is that my face is too big or maybe, it’s my head that is too big. Whatever, I look like a chemo patient in hats. Not attractive (not that some chemo patients don’t look attractive in hats because they do).  I guess what I am trying to say is that a hat completely smooshes my hair and it appears that I am bald another the hat. However, I had to do something to cover my just-rolled-in-the-hay-scary-trampish-looking hair. I really didn’t want to go to People of WalMart  and find my picture with some sarcastic remarks underneath it. So, I grabbed a loosely knitted toboggan type of hat and stuck it on my head. I looked rather comical but at least I didn’t look scary. Then, I went to my closet to find some boots since the snow was high enough to cover any sneakers or other low shoes. I found a pair of old black Timberland boots. They look like a female lumberjack would wear. I hadn’t worn them in years and had actually forgotten that I had them. Oh, one more thing….I had a fever blister on my lower lip. Pretty, huh????

Midge picked me up and we went to our fav locally owned department store. This store is awesome. It is own by some brothers and they have expanded thru out this area at a rapid pace. This store gets buyouts and last years fashions. Most of the time, “last year’s fashion” looks pretty much like this year’s fashion unless it was just a fad last year. But, the basic clothing that we wear doesn’t really change much from one year to the next. Being last year’s or closeouts lets the store offer up major name brands at really low prices. The store attracts people from all income brackets and life categories. It’s really popular with the wives of foreign doctors, especially Phillipino. Some of the wives have told me that they buy a lot of the stuff to send it back to their relatives in their home countries. Smart women! And, very frugal. Both of my sons-in-law are drup reps. They both report that at big gatherings, the doctor’s wives will take their arms and sweep all samples/pens/cups/notepads/etc. off of the tables and into their purses. I hope I don’t get hateful comments from doctor’s wives for this. I’m not sayin’ that every foreign doctor’s wife does this just some around here) .

 At the same time,this store is really big with the “check people”, too. Welfare checks, disability checks, SS checks, etc. So, around the first of the month, it’s pretty busy in there. And, it was the first of the month. I saw all kinds of people in there. The ones that really stuck out were the 3 guys in their pj bottoms and t-shirts with their 2 friends who for some crazy reason were wearing shorts and tank tops (remember, it was around 12 degrees outside). TPMidge and I were having a good laugh at them when I said, “Look at me. I have no reason to talk about anyone.”

And, she said, “Actually, Mom, you look like a dyke undergoing chemo wearing that hat and those man-boots. And, from a distance, the place on your lip looks like a lip ring.”

I busted out laughing and then she did, too. We were laughing so hard that we were beginning to attract unwanted attention. I think some of the customers thought that we were laughing at them. I would have gladly told them that we were laughing at ME. So, we decided that we had better check out before somebody really got pissed off and wanted to “whup our butts”.

On the way home, Midge wanted an ice cream ( in 12 degree weather, go figure) and we drove thru McDonald’s. She ordered 2 cones. The girl at the speaker said, “Wssttalal dodoanta hakkkeaa” or least that’s what it sounded like. She was actually saying that they did not have ice cream that day (which is a code for the health dept shut the machine down). “OK”, Midge said, “How about 2 yogurt parfaits, then?” And the girl said, “Can you pay cash? Our credit card machine is broken”. I had cash so that was not a problem but I wondered what else was wrong there.

As Midge dropped me off, she hollered, “Bye bald-headed lip-ring wearing lesbo. I love you!”   See, ya just gotta be able to make fun of yourself or you are NOT allowed to make fun of others.

In case my computer blows up, my power goes out (which has also happened), my cable goes out (which goes out when the power does), or I end up going out my front door and just start walking thru the snow and ice in a mindless daze and get eaten by a hungry bear before Valentine’s Day, here is my Valentine card for all of you…….

Tags: bald dyke, cracked windshield, crazy hair, given the wrong diagnosis, outrageous doctor bill, rude customer assistance, snowed in at the boogerwoods home, stir-crazy woman, Toyota, Toyota recall, toyota valentine, white tarsh woman, winter 2010

Three Things That I’ve Learned Today….

1. Stop, drop, and roll doesn’t work in Hell.

2. If you mis-type “wordpress” by one letter, you get a really shocking surprise by getting a XXX rated site. Want me to tell you which letter to type wrong? Well, not gonna. Nasty little boys and girls will just have to go thru each letter one by one.

3.Food stamps and welfare really get people to respond on a local forum……Food Stamp Fatties as does this meth-head.

Tags: 3 things I've learned today.foodstamp fatty, drop, food stamps, meth head, roll in Hell, stop, XXX

First Drafts of Famous Love Poem…

Just in time for Valentine’s Day, I found a great site named I-Mockery.com . These drafts came from their site.

How Do I Love Thee, Draft One
Elizabeth Barrett Browning

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee really deep and wide and high
Like reaching for the sky on tippy toes
until I get a crick in my neck from the reaching
but that ‘crick’ is in my soul
‘Cause it’s metaphorical reaching,
But what’s the point on wasting lofty words
When you can barely write your name
In the dirt with a stick,
Let alone follow top notch erudition like this
Which is why all my girlfriends think
you must be tremendous in the sack.
Why else would a woman with a brain like mine
Date a mostly shaved ape such as yourself?
Low self esteem, thou art a complicated bitch.

Roses Are Scarlet
Anonymous

Roses are scarlet,
Violets are Purple,
My love for you is…
is…

Goddamnit.

Sonnet 18.1
By William Shakespeare

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s burn?
Thou art more crispy and more coppertone:
Rough winds drive sand into my bathing suit,
And the humidity doth make one moan:
The heat! Don’t even talk to me of heat!
And neither one of us is pretty when we sweat;
My point is, summer’s overrated and I like you better,
admittedly, the bar I’ve set is dreadful low;
I like cheese better than I like summer,
And I’d only date cheese in a pinch;
What, just because I am a poet It’s expected
I’ll write poetry? Fuck that noise.
You try being Shakespeare. Sonnets have too many rules
and something, something, something rhymes with ‘rules’.
I’m out.

Roses Are Red
Anonymous

Rose are red,
Violets are purple
Stop pretending you didn’t kiss me that one time
You weren’t that drunk
Oh, crap.

I Carry Your Heart With Me (attempt 1)
By E.E. Cummings

I carry your heart with me (I carry it in
a bowling bag) I am never without it (anywhere
I go you go, my dear; you axed for it
from me, you know you did, my darling)
I fear no fate (for you are heartless) I can’t
get caught (my dog told me I can turn invisible)
he started talking just around the time
I bit the shift key off my olivetti
a thing you overlooked because
I hid it (in parentheses)

The Owl and the Pussycat
By Edward Lear

The Owl and the Pussycat
went to Sea
In a beautiful Pea-green boat;
They took some money and plenty of honey
but soon tore each other to pieces
which is what happens
when you put two carnivorous predators
each at the top of their food chain
in a boat

Tags: Elizabeth Barrett Browning, famous love poems, I-Mockery, making fun of poetry, mocking famous poetry, roses are red so what rhymes with purple, Valentine's humor, Valentine's poems

Another White Trash Beauty Tip From TPB….

Ok….I admit it. I fall for all the newest, latest, most plugged beauty products on the market. From laser to skin peeling, I’m probably gonna try it.

My recent thing is Latisse….the eyelash growing MIRACLE! You know, the one that Brooke Shields pushes. It’s very expensive but I got some for Christmas. I’ve used it faithfully….more on my eyebrows than my lashes. I’m proud to say that I now have eyebrows that are almost visible without makeup. To me, this is fantastic since I’ve never had much in the eyebrow department. And, I have embarrassed myself more than once by going out in public with uneven, drawn on brows or even worse, only one brow because I got distracted while drawing them on.

So, even though I don’t  have the Brooke brows or lashes yet, I’m hopeful.

The Latisse comes in a very small bottle and you are suppose to squeeze just one precious drop on the applicator each night for each eye. And, I’m usually very, very cautious about not squeezing the bottle too tightly and thus releasing more than one drop at a time.

But, three times this week, I’ve screwed up. I don’t know if the snow is getting to my nervous system or what, but I somehow squeezed out 2 drops. Unfortunately, all 3 times, the 2 drops totally missed the  applicator and landed on the floor or the counter.  Talk about panic! I felt like crying. But, I kept my cool and proceeded to get down on my hands and knees and tracked down the elusive drops off of the floor. And, I managed to locate the ones on the counter (I think, but it could very well have splashed water, too)  Carefully, I took the applicator and managed to soak a drop back on to it.

Last night, I was ready to apply the precious liquid. Unlike the other times, I had on my glasses when I picked up the bottle. Holy-moly-angelina-jolie! It was not the Latisse bottle. Nooooooooo! What I had thought was Latisse (and panicked over) was only a sample bottle of eye drops from my eye doctor! I had gotten my panties in a wad for 3 nights over sample eye drops. I had been applying sample eye drops to my eyebrows! Boy, did I feel stupid!

So, girls (and boys), here’s my makeup tip of the day…..make sure you know exactly which bottle you are using. You will avoid feeling stupid and I’m pretty sure that you will get better results.

Now…time to venture out into this frozen tundra and try to get out of here before I go totally insane.

Tags: Brooke Shields, eyebrows, growing eyelashes, Latisse, make-up mistakes, white trash make-up tips

The Ugly Truth Behind the Humor….

I haven’t written much here lately. Not because I don’t have a shitload of ideas swirling around in my head. It’s because none of them are funny. And, we all know that I like nothing better than writing something that brings a smile or a chuckle to readers.

These swirling thoughts are ugly. And, dark. And, the truth. And, even though I know that I am risking losing some readers and disappointing others, I’ve decided that the time has come to use this blog for what it was intended in the first place. A safe place to write about my life, my history, my experiences, and whatever else I choose to write about….a writing therapy safe haven, if you will. So, buckle in and hold on, the ride might get a little hairy.

I HAVE THE NEED TO SPEED….

I’ve been trying to figure out where to start. The beginning is the most logical place but I’m not known for using logic always. So, just bear with me. Feelings are what drive me to write. And, memories. Memories don’t always follow a timeline. This story will most assuredly have no timeline, either.

I don’t know what the heck I am worrying about. It’s my story. It’s my memories. I’m not here to entertain you or make you understand anything. No, this is for ME.

God gifted me with a good sense of humor. He gave me the ability to mimmic, joke, make fun of myself, and do many other things to make people laugh. Of course, in earlier years, I would much rather God have gifted me with a tall, willowly figure. Or,the kind of looks that make people just give you what you want. I would ask God why he didn’t gift me with a normal family (more on that later). But, in His great wisdom, he chose to give me an excellent sense of humor. The kind that makes me appreciate stupid things that I’ve done, “learning experiences”, and, well….the ability to find something to laugh at in almost everything in life.

As an adult, I have thanked God many, many times for the laughter. He knew what He was doing and He did give me exactly what I needed, afterall.

My comedic ability allowed me to belong to snobby cliques in school.  Every group has to have a funny one. Because these school kids thought that I was funny, it allowed them to overlook the fact that I never had new clothes or shoes (well, it let them overlook it most of the time). When I showed up at school wearing my big sister’s much-too-large-on-me threadbare dress, I would make the first joke about it.  The fact that I was short and fat and she was taller and very skinny made me look like I was wearing a costume for a play or for Halloween. I guess that put the other kids at ease and allowed them to say mean and hurtful things that they thought was funny. They assumed that, since I would laugh, I thought they were funny, too.

I didn’t. But, I played along. Hey…..I needed friends. No excuse…just a fact.

Looking back now, I can see the “I-need-to-please-to survive” pattern being laid. Survival of the strongest. And, I was one strong kid to put up with all the times I was the butt of jokes and not visibly flinch. I got better and better in time. Hell, you could probably call me the most hurtful name in the world to this very day and I’d never give you a clue that it bothered me. I never, ever let it show. I kept (and keep) it inside me.  I was (and still am to some extent)….THE PLEASER.

HOW I LEARNED TO PLEASE

I was already in training at beomg a PLEASER  long before I started school. Not thru words, but thru action, my Mom taught me that by pleasing, you could avoid pain. In her case, the pain was physical. My Dad drank a lot back then. When he drank, he became very mean. One of my first memories is of my Dad beating my Mom so badly that my brothers, sisters, and I thought that she was lying on the ground dead. I do not remember his reason/justification for beating the hell out of his wife, who was half his size. I don’t know what she did or didn’t do that displeased him. Actually, she probably had done nothing. He was just a scary, mean drunk looking for someone weaker than himself to throw punches at and bring about a complete submission to his “mightiest”. I said earlier that I could find humor in anything. I just realized that there is /was nothing funny about that day. I was about 5 years old then. I don’t remember feeling a need to laugh but, instead, that memory makes me feel really, really sad. After beating her with his fists, he picked up a wooden bench (about 4 ft long 2 ft high) and threw it at her. It hit her directly in the chest and knocked the breath out of her. She fell down and lay on the green grass that was right outside of our kitchen door. He stomped off and as soon as he did, we rushed to her. I remember that my baby sister and I were crying. We were kneeling beside her and  begging her to open her eyes. It seemed like forever before her eyelids fluttered and her unseeing eyes were visible.She couldn’t seem to focus or recognize us at first. Finally, her eyes landed on me and she said, “Don’t cry. I’m OK.”

We heard him coming back around the house and she stumbled to her feet as fast as she physically could. She was swaying on her feet a bit but trying to look like she was just fine. I can still see her in her little lightweight cotton housedress…the one with tiny flowers. It had been washed so many time that the colors on the flowers had faded. Now, there was grass stains between the elastic waistband and the hem. And, it was sleeveless. Her thick black hair was pulled back in a plain rubber band. We were too poor to buy actual pony-tail elastic bands.  Funny, how we remember such details, isn’t it?

 I thought that he was coming back to see if she was alright but instead, he said, “Quit standing there and go start supper, you lazy bitch!”

And, she did. My wonderful, loving, sweet Mother had learned that to survive, you had to please. And, not realizing it, she had passed on that lesson to me. Most people think that “pleasers” just want to make others happy. This is not so. Some of us just want to avoid pain. It’s easier to please than hurt. But, it takes almost a lifetime to realize what a huge price you have paid just to be safe.

No, I’ve never put up with physical abuse. And, I never will. I will fight back if threatened with any kind of physical attack from anyone else. No time for that shit, I’ve been much too busy fighting my own inner chaos. I am my own worse enemy.

More to come…..

A LITTLE FAMILY HISTORY

Tags: cliques, comedian, comic ability, domestic abuse, growing up poor, inner chaos, need to please, pleasers

I’m Trying But It’s Really Hard….

In my last post, I told you that I was going to start writing the truth about my life here in this blog. The last post was painful to re-read.

I’ve come back here several times since writing that and started a new post. And, quit. Just couldn’t get the words out. I knew that rehashing the past here was going to be tough. And, it is. For the last two nights, I have not slept much. The dreams are too disturbing and I awake in a cold sweat.

My dad is laying on the faded linoleum floor. He is drunk again and has pissed himself. He has dressed in his only suit for his night out and his suit pants have a wet spot that is spreading down the leg.  He stinks of urine and cigarettes. He has been out most of the evening, stumbling home shit-faced sometime after midnight.  My sister is doing a dance around him. She is just out of his reach, her red hair swinging around her head as she does her skipping kinda dance. He keeps trying to grab her leg. She is singing, “The old son-of-a-bitch is dead. The old son-of-a-bitch is dead……”  And, she is laughing at him. This is making him extremely angry. If he can reach her, he will pull her to the floor and hurt her. But, she is defiant and keeps dancing around him and singing……”the old son-of-a-bitch is dead”.    She is a “pistol”. That’s what my Mom calls her. She is my Mom’s step-daughter. Her own mother died from cancer when she was just a little girl. My Mom also calls her a “real firecracker”. I’m afraid that he will hurt her and I love her very much. She is the only one who stands up to him. I think that he is actually in awe of her. I know that I am. She dances closer, just daring him to grab her. He is drunk but even intoxicated, he is clever. He acts like he no longer has the strength or desire to play her game. But, he is just waiting….like an angry, wounded animal….for her to come close enough to strike. She is enjoying her taunting so much that she gets careless and is taken my surprise when a hand firmly grabs her ankle…………

I awoke from this dream with my heart beating so loudly in my chest that I wondered if I was having a heart attack. No…just panic attacking again. Why? The event above happened before I was born. My sister told me the story in detail and when I questioned my mother about it, she verified it.  I see it so vividly in my dreams.

I’m beginning to dread nighttime. Bedtime. Time to sleep….but I don’t.

Have I awaken memories that should have been left stored away in the back of my mind? Probably.

This happens randomly and without warning. I’ve stuffed all the bad stuff away as best as I could but I guess the lock keeps breaking on the memory-box.

I don’t want to remember. IDONTWANTTOREMEMBERIDON’TWANTTOREMEMBERIDONTWANTTOREMEMBER!

But, I do……….

Writing here is therapeutic sometimes. I’m just not sure if it is right now.

Guess I’ll try writing again later………

Tags: alcoholic father, hurtful memories, insomnia, nightmares, pissing in pants, son-of-a-bitch dance, step-sister, traumatic memories, writing about past memories

My Insomnia Is So Bad….

I had an appointment with a periodontist yesterday. It was for the insertion of a titanium post into my jawbone.

Due to taking the wonder meds for osteoporosis, Actenol , Fosamax, Boniva, and others (yes I am being sarcastic), I have to undergo extensive dental work.  The first phase is to rebuild a whole tooth where one that seemed perfectly normal broke off when I bit into a soft, blueberry muffin. I wonder if Sally Field has loss any teeth, yet.

And, I’ve been suffering with insomnia for the last couple of nights (maybe, due to the horrible dreams that I’ve written about in my last couple of posts). I went into the periodontist’s office sooooo tired!

How tired was I? Well, I feel asleep and started to snore during the drilling into my jaw bone and the insertion of the post into the drilled-out hole. Also, slept thru being stitched up and the cleaning up of blood off of my face.  During a break when the periodontist left the room, I asked the assistant if I had really been snoring. Just wanted to see if it had happened or had I imagined it. Sure enough, I was snoring.

After it was all over, the periodontist commented that I was the most relaxed patient that he had ever seen. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I am not a relaxed patient. I am usually a very tense patient when anyone is working in my mouth. I was just too damn tired to be nervous.

Seriously, I cannot believe that I fell asleep during oral surgery. Maybe, I need to be sleep deprived on all my visits.

And, for the first time in a while, I am awarding my prestigious shitcake award…to the drug companies that have a habit of not being truthful about drug side effects until forced to come clean….

FRESH FROM MY OVEN TO YOU, PROCTER AND GAMBLE, MERCK, AND GLAXO SMITH-CLINE,  AND ROCHE LABORATORIES, THE MAKERS OF BONIVA, ACTENOL, AND FOSAMAX. AND, YOU DON’T NEED TEETH TO EAT IT.

Go ahead, grab yourself and big ol’ slice. You’ve earned it. Just be glad that this time, it wasn’t a lawsuit that I served up….(yet).

PS…I’ll bet Sally Field, The Flying Nun wouldn’t be on a commercial pushing that crap if her teeth started falling out. But, then, some people would sell their own mother for money, wouldn’t they?

Tags: Actenol, bone loss from bisphosphanates, Boniva, dental implants, Fosamax, Glaxo Smith Cline, insomnia, jaw bone loss, jaw necrosis, Merck, osteoporosis drugs, periodontist, Procter and Gamble, Roche Lab, Sally Field, shitcake award, sleep deprivation, The Flying Nun

The Weather Outside is a F@%&*@* Mess….

“Oh, the weather outside is frightful. But, the snow is….well..not delightful. No more snow! No more snow! No more snow!

I’m taking a break from my “dark” posts. Losing too much sleep thinking of things that happened in the past. So, here ya go…..

How much snow have we had? At least 2 ft….

Don’t know who made the snow sculpture or took the picture but it’s great. If anyone knows who made this, let me know. I’d love to give them credit for their humor and originality.

Tags: 2 feet of snow, enough snow already, funny winter picture, snow sculpture, tired of snow, weather, winter

Some Spam Is Downright Funny….

I’m not sure how or why I started getting at least one half dozen ads for anything and everything related to a penis every day. I must have signed up for something that generated all of this spam. And, believe me, whatever  I signed up for was totally unrelated to this crap because I do not nor never have had a penis. Most of the time, I just delete the email but every once in a while, one will catch my eye due to the seriously bad spelling. I got one today that caught my eye just as I hit the delete button. I was so curious as to what it said that I went into my deleted stuff and read it. I know that you’ve all gotten that email that has all of the words with letters left out to test you to see if you can read it. This email is kinda like that. Is it disturbing or strange that I can actually read all of it?

Let’s see if you can……

IfYouHadA H arde rPe ni sYouCoul dRe allyPlea sur eY our G i rl‏

Mnior injruies froum disrupetrs–graezs and falsh-cutes–wuold beign to heeil in egiht to a hudnred huors, utnended. Thais weis epdiermal tsisue oenly. Tehre weis no recnet rpeort on utnended inetrnal huamn injruies, execpt, of cuorse, somwehere in the flies of soume mercilsesly curiuos Kilngon laboraotry. If he colud stabliize Aaorn’s condtiion loeng enoguh to fiend nighthsade and ditsill a crdue herat stmiulant of soume kiend–if he colud mainatin blo-od-transfsuions to keepi his herat gonig–if he colud oenly get enoguh sle-ep to keepi froum maikng msitakes

I don’t know what “mnior injruies froum disrupetrs” has to do with one having a  H arde rPe ni s unless the minor injuries are from getting kick in the nuts for being an atrocious speller. I think that the originator of the email must  not  get enoguh sle-ep to keepi froum maikng msitakes!

Yeah, sometimes spam is almost worth reading.

BTW…This is especially for, Jan!

Tags: Cialis ad, cooter, freaky perverts, penis enlargers, poontang, really bad spelling, shrinking penis, spam, spam emails, viagra

Don’t Stop Believing…..

One of my favorite songs is by Journey….”don’t stop believing, hold onto that feeling…..”

My family was white trash poor. I’ve heard people talk about how poor they were growing up. Saying that they couldn’t afford to go to the movies but once a month or only got a couple of presents for Christmas. Hell, that’s not poor. Poor is when you have never seen a movie until you are 11 years old and your older sister’s fiance’  tries to impress her by taking her along with her brothers and sisters to an actual movie theater. Yeah, it was a drive-in and it was $5.00 a carload night but it was a real treat. He, also, brought along a carton of Double Cola. Do any of you remember Double Cola? It was not the best tasting soda as I found out when I got older and could actually buy soft drinks with my own money. But, you got more for your buck because the bottles were bigger.

We sure did like him and we were all happy when they got married. Unfortunately, it ended in divorce but I love that guy even now. He was and is still a “good ol’ boy”.

Poor is receiving one toy for Christmas and it was from a church mission distribution center. People donated clothing, toys, household items, etc. My Mom and Dad volunteered there one year in order to get us some Christmas presents. Volunteering wasn’t necessary but they wanted to feel like they had earned the stuff. Too bad that most people with their hands out these days just want to get something for nothing and have no work ethic.

That Christmas, I got a doll and I thought she was the most beautiful thing ever. She was a porcelain doll, not one that you actually played with. She had on a flowery dress and she had a hair net. The hair net covered brown hair that had, to most people, obviously seen better days and someone had tried to comb it back into place before donating it. But, to me it was lovely,especially since I had never had a doll with any hair before this one.  I remember that one detail plainly because my older brother made fun of it and made me cry. He said that it looked like she had poop in her hair. He hurt my feelings something terrible and I ran and hid in the well house around back of our house. Me and my doll. We laid behind the pump until my Mom found me and gathered me in her arms. She kissed me and talked to me softly. She told me that my doll was special and that I should ignore my brother because boys don’t understand anything about dolls. Then, my brother came in and hugged me and told me that he was sorry. Isn’t it funny how some memories are so clear and others are vague, no matter how hard you strive to remember them?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

About 7 years after that, I was getting ready to start high school. Junior high was behind me and I had gotten thru it with very good grades and the reputation of being the “funny one” of my jr high clique. I had a 4.0 grade level. And, I was active on the school newspaper. This was due to the fact that when I tried out for cheerleader, the teacher/coach had taken one look at me, a fat girl with a patched-up, faded wardrobe and told me that I should join the newspaper team since I had writing talent. I wasn’t stupid and knew that what she wanted to say was, “Honey, you are not cheerleader material. You’re better suited behind the scenes. In other words, you’ve got a radio face so don’t ever try out for television.” And, although, that hurt deeply at the time, I’m grateful to her now. I enjoy writing and being behind the scene in a lot of cases. But, not all of the time….NO!….I have a need to be in on the action and have a knack for getting myself into situations where I am the center of attention.  But, at least, I’m not doing those damn junior high cheers….Rah Rah Ree Hit Him In The Knee Rah Rah Ras Hit Him In The Ass!

By this time, my Dad was old enough to draw Social Security and he had finally been awarded a Veteran’s check for being shot 5 times in the war. Just a note: My Dad was in his late fifties when I was born. I never knew what it was like to have a physically fit Dad, one that was young enough to play sports with us. Although, he did try. I can remember rolling a big rubber ball back and forth with him. That’s about the limit of physical activity that I can recall doing with my Dad. Oh, and he did take me for walks sometimes. We walked very slowly as he was using a walking cane by then.

OK, I digressed again. Back to entering high school. With our windfall (hahahaha) of money, my Mom was able to buy each of us one new outfit for school…..PLUS SHOES! I was so excited to wear a brand new outfit for my first day at high school. But, then what? I knew I’d have to continue to wear my big sister’s hand-me-downs and trade clothes with my little sister in order to have a different outfit for other days. My big sister, who was by this time a married woman, was very generous and kind to us. Her husband was a coal miner and made fairly good money by local standards. The coal company that employed him actually owned one of those “company stores” that you may have heard about or seen in a movie like “Matewan”. The store let the miners have accounts where they could charge stuff between paydays and pay it off when they got their paycheck. Unfortunately, my sister had no financial teachings and apparently gave no thought to the idea that you should never charge more than you could pay back. She frequently took us to the store with her where she treated us to soda, candy, and other items that we were denied growing up. I think this was where her marriage started falling apart. Her husband would come home in a screaming, angry rampage after going to the store and finding out how much he owed due to her purchases.  She, also, bought clothes and I was thankful when she handed them down to me. However, trading with my little sister was almost comical. I was short and fat and she was taller and very slender. So, although, she could fit in my clothes, she would look silly because they hung off of her. On the other hand, when I tried to wear hers, it was like trying to fit big Polish sausage into a hotdog wiener casing. So, it ended up that she would wear my clothes but I could not wear hers. And, she was a slob! I would be so upset when I would go to put on one of my few shirts only to find that she had worn it the day before and gotten ketchup or something on it.  I think of this time in my life as The Wardrobe Nightmare Period.

My Mother was always trying to come up with a way to fix the clothing problem. She even tried to learn how to sew but she never could master that talent. On the other hand, I learned to sew in Home Economics in the ninth grade and loved it.  I made a few things in that class that I actually wore for several years. I remember making this long, sleeveless lined vest that I thought was the coolest thing ever. It was blue denim colored on the outside and bright stripes on the inside. Looking back now, I shudder thinking about how hideous that thing really was. At the time, long vest, fringed jeans, and faded-look stuff was in. So, I was halfway stylish since most of my clothes were actually faded and my pants were raveling at the hem due to being washed so much.

One day my Mom had gone to visit her sister. Her sister was pretty well off because her husband owned several businesses that were doing really well. My aunt had one daughter and she was lavished constantly with clothes, shoes, and whatever else she wanted. She was in the same grade as I was but she had gone to a private Catholic school thru grade school and junior high. So, high school was the first time that we were in the same school. We were not friends. We did not run in the same circles, mine being the hippie type crowd and hers being the “preps”. We would sorta nod at each other in the hallway but she ignored me all together when her friends were around. I don’t think any of them even knew we were cousins. I didn’t really care since I didn’t go around announcing it either. We were so totally different. While she might be out trying to find a shoe store that would dye her new shoes to match her gown for a school formal dance, I would be out listening to Led Zepplin and trying cigarettes, beer, or even pot for the first time. I’m pretty sure that I had a lot more fun than she did.

Back to the original story…yes, I know, I am “rabbit holing” (as one of my readers called it) again….

As I said, one day my Mom went to visit her sister. She didn’t get to go see her very much. My Mom couldn’t drive and had to rely on my Dad to take her every where (up until I got my license at 16 whereupon I became the official family chauffeur). When I got home from school, she was excited about a big black trash bag of something that she wanted to show me. It turned out to be my cousin’s clothing that she had tired of or could no longer wear. I need to mention that by this time, I had lost a lot of weight. I am not sure if it was due to natural body changes or the somewhat wild life that I was leading. Whatever it was, I was a normal size. My cousin was, also, a normal size but then she always had been. So, my aunt had sent me a big bunch of clothes. I was not happy at first. Afterall, this was my cousin’s clothes and we were going to the same school. I told my Mom that I didn’t want to be seen in her hand-me-downs because kids would make fun of me. She told me that my aunt had promised her that she would make sure that my cousin didn’t say anything at school about me wearing her old clothes. And, the clothes were nice, coming from some of the best and most expensive stores around. They were not my style but they were the nicest clothing that I had ever had. So, reinforced by the promise that my cousin wouldn’t say anything, I decided to wear them to school. There were enough to wear a new outfit for around ten straight days! The first couple of days, I felt like a million dollars! None of the clothes had anything at all wrong with them. All my friends thought that I had bought new clothes and I didn’t tell them any difference. For once, I didn’t feel like that poor, white trash girl. I felt like I  was fitting in with all the other girls.

Should have known better. My gut told me so and my gut is almost always right. By the end of the first week of my new wardrobe, I noticed some girls whispering around me. The girls were friends of my cousins. Uh oh. I felt sick to my stomach. After school that day, I told my Mom that I thought that my cousin had told her friends that I was wearing her used clothes. My Mom  called my aunt, who in turn ask her daughter about it. She denied telling anyone at school about me wearing her give-aways. Notice that “at school” is written in italics. It turns out that the little bitch used a technicality to humiliate me. She didn’t tell any of her friends at school. She told them out of school….when they were at her home or one of their snotty I’m-Better-Than-You social gatherings.

I wanted to beat the shit out of her. And, I could have. I was a tough, white-trash girl and she was a spoiled, over-protected rich bitch. I knew that I could smack her down to the floor and then kick her in her perfectly coiffed hair until she cried. But, I didn’t. Instead, I just quit wearing the clothes. And, I promised myself that one day would come when I could buy all the clothes, shoes, and whatever that I needed. And, they would ALL BE NEW and never, ever worn by someone else first. And, I believed this with all my heart. This embarrassing experience just gave me more determination and resolve to move ahead and not look back. And, I did. I never thought about this again for years until I started having memories pop up out of nowhere recently. I’m not gonna try to stick those memories back in the shelf corners in my brain anymore. I’m going to write about them as I have in a few posts previous to this one.  I’m not ashamed or embarrassed any longer. I write these memories with 2 intentions. One is to record my history for my daughters….who have never and will never (as long as I am alive) have to be embarrassed or humiliated by circumstances beyond their control. The second reason is….just in case you happen to read this….I want you to know that being poor or different should not be embarrassing.

……and don’t stop believing. I didn’t. Although, I will never be named on Forbes richest women list, now I can afford shoes, clothes, etc. all the time when I need it. And, most of the time when I just want it.

Even though some memories of being poor are painful, I can honestly say that I am glad that I grew up being poor white trash. I learned a lot from my childhood. I’ve learned that you can do without when you have to and you don’t die from it or anything. I’ve learned to appreciate everything that I have. I’ve learned that when I give something to someone, I don’t have to tell anybody else. Just knowing that I gave and helped is enough for me. I have no desire to ever humiliate or embarrass another person ever.

Yes, my cousin was a mean, spiteful little bitch. But, I thank her because that’s when I first started believing that things could get better. And, I will never stop believing…..

Tags: don't stop believing.high school cliques, growing up poor, wearing hand-me-down, white tash Christmas, white trash childhood, white trash memories, words hurt

Tell Me,How Wrong Is This?….

I love my church. It’s not very big but it’s just full of caring, wonderful people. Since it is small, everyone pretty much knows everyone else’s family, friends, and neighbors. It’s community oriented and tries to help anyone in the area that needs help.

But, I’ve got a problem.

We have a prayer chain and I’ve been on it for several years. No biggie. Someone calls me and tells me who and what needs prayer. This was a piece of cake for a long time. I would immediately get off of the phone and pray. However, lately, it’s become a little complicated for me. First, the person who calls me has changed. The lady that calls me now is a fantastic woman. I wish that I was more like her. She is always doing some kind of ministry, either at nursing homes or with children. BUT, if I’m not at home when she calls, she leaves a message and I cannot understand what she is saying.  And, I’ve gotten lazy about praying immediately upon hanging up the phone. I use to keep a notepad by the phone and write the prayer requests down. Some times, there would be several and I didn’t wanna leave anyone out. Now, since I can’t understand the lady (it’s really because she’s talking too fast), I’m not sure for whom I’m suppose to be praying. The messages sound kinda like this….

“Oh, hello…this Pansy (named changed) with a prayer chain. Mr. “mumblemumble” needs prayer for “mumblemumble”  and”can’tquitemakeitout’s” niece is having surgery for “mumblemumble”. Get the idea? I can’t make out the names or details.

To make matters worse, I am becoming very guilty of prayer procrastination. I fully intend to do it but lately, it slips my mind.

So, I’ve been trying to do One Big Combined Prayer and it goes something like this…

Dear Lord,

I’m sorry that I didn’t do this when I was suppose to do it. But, I guess it’s better late than never, right, God? So, please take care of Mr. “mumblemumble”. And, please be with  “mumblemumble”‘s neice while she is going thur “mumblemumble”. (I don’t actually say “mumblemumble”, I really just mumble cause I figure that God knows who they are). And, Lord, in case I didn’t get this prayer in on time and they died or something, please bring comfort to the family of the deceased. And, if they are still alive and have recovered, Lord, thank you for your blessings on them.  I will try to do better with this prayer chain in the future…..Amen!”

I’m just wondering if this is a bad thing to do? Should I just forget about praying or continue to do an umbrella prayer for I don’t know who? I’m just not sure.

Tags: church, correct way to pray, prayer chain, prayer warrior, praying, small town church

In Need Of A Laugh?…..

I am operating in an almost paralyzed state lately. Dunno exactly what the problem is but I just can’t seem to get moving on anything…..writing, reading blogs, cleaning, shopping….NADA…NUTTIN’….ZIP! I’m sure that you get the idea.

I was in need of a good laugh at something stupid…something that I didn’t have to think about first before I laughed. It had to require no reading or much thought. And, I found it…….

 

Hope this made you laugh, too!

I’ll be back to write something as soon as the head-fog clears.

Tags: annoying orange video, cheese video, funny video, goulda cheese, head-fog, in need of a laugh, stupid video

Trailerpark Skipper Needs a Sassy Gay Friend!!!!

A post by Trailerpark Skipper or TPS

Tags: fag hag, Friend, gay, Hamlet, Juliet, Romeo, Sassy, Skipper, trailerpark

Trailerpark Skipper Rants:Wrinkly Old Bitches

A post by TPS

I am good girl. Anyone that knows me will tell you that I am the uber good girl. I have no doubt in my mind that if you were to know me in real life you would have no trouble leaving your young child or elderly parent with me. Afterall not only am I a Teacher in a Christian Grade School but also our church piano player.

Being good is not always easy. Sometimes the angel on my left shoulder fights with the devil on my right. Almost always the angel wins out. However the devil on my right shoulder rails to have his say and that is what this section of this blog is all about. It’s the things that if I weren’t a good girl I would have said. It is exactly what is going on in my head that gets filtered out. Lucky you, you get to read it unflitered.

>:-)

>:-)

>:-)

Twice this week I’ve come across Wrinkly Old Bitches who have stared at my son like he is the plague. If you want to be bitchy that’s your business, when it affects my loved ones fear the wrath of Trailerpark Skipper.

Dear Wrinkly Old Bitches at Cracker Barrel and The Library,

My son is a normal 3 year old boy, not the plague for you to stare at down your nose like he is the bain to your existence. Yes he makes a mess in his wake, if your employer did not intend for you to clean these messes they would A)take the toy section out of your waiting area where we are forced to wait for 45 minutes. Having a 3 year old boy wait beside toys and asking him not to touch is like putting a Hungry Fat Chick in a Hostess Factory and asking her to keep her piggy finger to herself. B)take the Children’s Section out of the Library, so as not to encourage the Peanut Butter and Jelly Eating Monsters to visit. You would think you would be glad that he can read and wears shoes considering we are from WV.

I am so very sorry that your poor planning has your Wrinkly old ass working through your “Twilight” Years. However it is not acceptable to take it out on my child. Keep that shit up and I’ll encourage him to remove everything from the shelves you are responsible for, have him place the items in the floor and then sit back to laugh while I watch you return it to it’s rightful place.

Trailerpark Skipper

Tags: bad thoughts of a good girl, Cracker Barrel, good/bad girl, Hungry Fat Chick, Jelly Eating Monsters, old librarian, skipper rants, wrinkled bitches, wrinkled old bitches

Here Comes WT Peter Cottontail….White Trash Easter Crafts!

It’s almost Easter time. And, what does that mean?

It’s time for some white trash Easter fun!!!!!!! So, here we gooooo…..some Easter crafts, Easter basket ideas, and the best Easter outfits straight from the Trailerpark to you.

PART ONE: NIFTY EASTER CRAFTS!!!!!!

Let’s start out with a simple Easter craft. This cute little bunny always wows young and old alike around The Trailerpark and the best part is it uses an item that most of us already have in our bathroom closets….TAMPONS!

Tampon Easter Bunny

What’s fluffy and white and cottony soft? Tampons! And bunnies! That’s why this tampon Easter Bunny was such a natural. If he sticks around for your period, he’ll bring you some unfertilized eggs.

This fun and simple bunny craft is courtesy of Tampon Crafts. You’ll find the easy to follow directions there! There’s so much FUN STUFF at the Tampon Craft site.  Who knew that you could do soooo much with a box of Tampons (or, in my case, a box of Dollar Store generic tampons).

The next craft idea is an EASTER BUNNY MASK….

*Note from TPB….OK, I admit it. I stole this idea from another site. And, frankly, this is a little scary. That’s my own comments in red.

Make this fun rabbit mask to wear on Easter morning.
The white bath sponge cheeks are plump and soft.

The plastic straw whiskers are visible from even at a distance.
That makes the rabbit mask even more sensitive than a real one. (WTH? Are they comparing this to a real bunny’s whiskers? If so, how do they know how sensitive real bunny whiskers are?)

So, here we go: (Hang on…this is a little weird)
All you need:
Pipe cleaners
colored cards
child safe scissors
pencil
glue and brush
black felt-tip pen
two bath sponges
six plastic straws
small pieces of black & white paper
a ruler

Draw and cut out a rabbit’s face and ears from thin colored cards. Use your scale to measure 30cm(12 inches) wide and 60cm(24 inches) long cut out. (The only scale that I have is a bathroom scale and the thin colored cards weighed zero on them)

To make the rabbit’s cheeks, draw a large circle on both bath sponges and cut them out. Make the circles as large as possible. Then trim them to fit. (To fit what?)


Draw a mouth with the felt-tip pen. Cut out a nose from black paper. Then cut a pair of teeth from white paper. Glue them on to the mask. (I cut the first set of teeth too large and scared the hell out of myself).

Glue on the sponge cheeks using PVA glue. The sponge will absorb the glue. So apply lots. Allow plenty of time for the glue to get dried. (LOTS OF GLUE? That’s what it said so I did apply lots of glue. Spent the next 30 minutes cleaning that crap off of everything. “Lots of glue” is open to individual interpretation apparently).


Ask an adult to cut the pointy ends off the plastic straw. Dab a little PVA glue on to one end of each of those straws. Now insert three straws into each sponge discs. The whiskers are now ready. Well, if you think the whiskers are getting unnecessary long, you can trim those jut-out ends a little. (I guess 12 inches WAS a little long. )

Now make a small hole on either side of the mask. Thread a pipe-cleaner through each hole and twist the end to hold it in place. To wear the mask, hook the pipe-cleaners around your ears. (BE CAREFUL! Those wires in the pipe cleaners hurt like the dickens if you accidentally stick one in your eye!)

Hey you’re almost done. But if you want to make them a bit more realistic, use your imagination to paint the mask with black, white and red paints. (Tip from TPB….use your imagination only if you are not drunk, high, or have nightmares of killer rabbits).

Tips:
Mix black and white paint on a palette to make a pale gray color. Use a medium paintbrush to paint the front of the mask. But do not paint the ears.
When face is done, mix more of black and paint the ears with it.

Caution: If you decide to color do it before applying the glue. (I think it might have been a good idea to put this caution a little further up in the directions.  I spent an unnecessary 40 minutes cleaning home-made colored glue off my face!)

 

And…here is MY finished product…..

 

Be sure and come back for Part II…White Trash Easter. I’m hoping that Trailerpark Skipper will come up with some lovely Easter basket ideas!

 

And, for those of you who want some serious money saving tips, go visit LittleFrugalista’s blog. Her header picture alone is worth making the visit.

 

 

Tags: cheap Easter ideas, Easter crafts for all ages, Peter Cottontail, redneck crafts, scary bunny mask, tampon bunny, tampon crafts, trailerpark fun, white trash craft fun, white trash Easter crafts

Do You Get The Poots From FiberOne Bars?……

One of my FaceBook friends posted this link……..FiberOne